Para Bellum 2/?? (Sequel to Le Jeu Sinistre)

[grateful_days]

Disclaimer: I don’t own Full Metal Panic. This is a parody. Acorporationwhowaivestheirrighttosuesayswhat.

Chapter Two: Set Up

Sousuke awoke to find his eyes totally covered by a mop of blue hair. He was confused for a second, wondering if he had fallen asleep underwater or something. Then, he realized there was a very large, very warm and surprisingly… soft… something… lying next to him.

With some trouble, the soldier found his hand and brushed Kaname’s hair out of his face. She was sleeping soundly, a look of pure and unadulterated satisfaction on her face.

“Chidori,” Sousuke said, nudging her gently. Like a cat, she yawned and stretched, waking slowly. She looked up at him and smiled shyly.

“Hey,” she said, little more than a whisper and then turned over to go back to sleep. Sousuke caught her by the shoulder, pulling her back.

“We have to go to school. Aren’t the class representative elections today?”

He felt Kaname go stiff under his hand.

“Sousuke, what time is it?” she asked slowly, in a totally controlled manner. Sousuke glanced at the clock.

“7:45. Hmmm… I should’ve picked up Tessa by now…”

Kaname let out a scream, leaping out of bed and taking most of the covers with her. She charged into the bathroom, yelling at him.

“We’re late, you dumbass! School starts in fifteen minutes!”

Sousuke scratched his chin. “I must not have set the alarm.”

“You didn’t set the alarm?!” The shower turned on and Kaname’s screams were muffled for about three minutes. Then, she came running out of the bathroom, a towel wrapped around her waist and one around her hair, still wet.

“Ugh, where’re my clothes?! C’mon, hurry, go shower! Go-“ Sousuke was just staring at her dumbfounded. Kaname stopped for a second and looked down. Her chest wasn’t covered by either towel.

“Oh, damn it, don’t pretend you haven’t seen them before! Just go! Shower!”

~

After getting dressed and grabbing a box of Pocky for breakfast, the two teens actually ran down the hall, ran down the stairs and charged out the front door, diving into Sousuke’s car.

And then they were off for Tessa’s. It was 7:54. Kaname, sitting in the front passenger’s seat, stuck her head out the window, letting the air rushing past her dry her hair. Sousuke drove much the same way one might fly a jet fighter: Very, very fast.

Tessa was waiting outside her apartment, checking her watch every few seconds and looking very upset. Suddenly, at 7:55, when she was about to give up and call a limo (because god knows she could afford it), there was a great commotion at the end of the street. When she leaned out to see what was wrong, she was grabbed by a speeding blue thing… and pulled inside the car.

“Where were you?” Tessa cried, on the verge of tears, as she tumbled into the backseat of the car.

“Long story, terrorists, Bonta-kun, Gackt, water main broke,” Kaname said, her voice like a machinegun, before sticking her head back out the window.
And so, the trio sped on. Although it looked like a dark red 1989 Toyota Camry on the outside, Sousuke had made several special modifications to his car. It was the closest thing to a “Bond Car” possible. In addition to four 12.7mm machine guns, two missile launchers, a tear gas launcher, a flame thrower, a pop up 75mm cannon, an inner-skeleton made out of a kevlar/titanium compound AND a deluxe drink holder, it’s engine was turbo charged. Made in Germany, it was specially designed for rich Autobahn drivers who consider 90 miles per hour amateurish and could reach speeds of 150 miles per hour without trouble.

By the time the car came to a rest in front of Jindai, it was smoking and the fender had turned bright red. In several spots, the paint had liquefied and was slowly dripping off the car.

The three teens had no time for Sousuke’s car, which was slowly burning a whole in the asphalt. With comparable speed, they sprinted to their classroom.

~

“Aomoya?”

“Here.”

“Asaka?”

“Here.”

“Atsuya?”

“Here.”

“Chidori?”

The door to class 4-2 burst open and three blurs spilled into, taking their seats. Several moments later, a great rush of wind came into the room, a final testament to their speed.

“Chidori?”

“H…Here…” Kaname said, raising her hand, panting.

The teacher for the year, Mr. Fujiwara, a very old and stooping man with glasses, peered over his list and her.

“Chitsuku?”

“Here.”

~

“So, Sagara-san, who are you voting for?”

It was lunchtime and Sousuke was enjoying his pork bun. Because, out of all of his friends, Sousuke was easily the strongest, he would provide vanguard support for Kaname as they pushed their way to the front of the lunch line to get food for everyone. Kaname was required because she was good at yelling.

It was Tessa who posed the question. She was eating a vegetarian broccoli bun. She was also running for Class Representative.

“I think it’s obvious,” Kaname said, smiling smugly. She, too, was running for Class Rep. She was eating a beef bun.

“Oh, really?” Tessa said with faked ignorance, shooting a smile at Sousuke. “I don’t know about you, Sagara-san, but I feel that regime changes are a natural part of the political system…”

“This isn’t real politics,” Kaname growled.

“…of any society.” She smiled at Kaname. “Even a classroom.”

“This is true,” Sousuke said thoughtfully, finishing his bun. “However, if the society is prosperous under the current leader, than a certain amount of conservatism is healthy.”

“Ha!” Kaname said in triumph.

“However,” Sousuke continued. “Prosperity is a subjective thing.”

“Ha!” Tessa returned.

“Those two have been going at it for the past week…” Kyouko sighed. She was eating a tuna bun. Almost involuntarily, she pulled her camera from her pocket and took a picture of Tessa and Kaname arguing.

“They’re both so… cutthroat. I hope they never become politicians,” said Shinji through bites of his spinach bun.

“Yeah… But Tessa can’t win. Sousuke belongs to Kaname,” commented Mizuki. She munched on a chicken bun.

“What makes you say that? Sure, he’s under her thumb but…” said Shirai, trailing off into his shrimp bun.
\
“With all the errands he runs for her? She’s either sleeping with him or blackmailing him…” Mizuki said, smirking.

“…and in Analects IV:5, Confucius says…” Kaname was saying, her Ancient Literature textbook out.

“What does Confucius have to do with anything? Can’t you think for yourself?” rejoined Tessa.

“Japan is a Confucian Society!”

“…under Japanese rule.”

“Who else would rule it? You?!”

Tessa just smiled sweetly. “Maybe.”

And poor Sousuke was caught in the middle of it. The constant crossfire of political theory between his girlfriend and former commanding officer was quickly taking its toll on the young man.

“Sagara, you don’t look so well there,” Mr. Fujiwara said, squinting through his glasses.

“It’s nothing, sir…”

“No. I’m sending you to the nurse’s office. I’ve not had a student faint on me in class and I’ll keep that record.”

“What about his vote?” Kaname and Tessa cried out in unison.

Sighing, Mr. Fujiwara pulled a ballot out of his desk drawer and beckoned Sousuke forward.

“Vote now and I’ll put it in for you,” he said, handing Sousuke the paper.
Feeling a bit lightheaded, Sousuke looked over the ballot. There were only two boxes: One for “Chidori Kaname” and another for “Theresa ‘Tessa’ Testarossa.” The two girls stared at him intently as he contemplated the ballot.

Sousuke considered his options carefully. If he voted for Kaname, Tessa would cry. If he voted for Tessa, however, Chidori would hit him.

So, Sousuke did what anyone would do: He wrote “Bonta-kun” on the ballot and placed a check next to it.

“Done, sir,” Sousuke said, handing it to Mr. Fujiwara before stumbling out of class. He walked to the Nurse’s Office, figuring he would chat with Melissa for a few minutes before returning to class.

When he got there, a note was on the door: “Out for lunch. Be back at 1:00. – Mao.” The message was followed by a smiley face.

Unperturbed, Sousuke went into the office and lay down on one of the beds, intending to wait out the rest of the election there.

Had he looked out the window just then, he would’ve seen a small fleet of black cars descending upon the school…

~

Jindai’s principal was sitting at her desk, enjoying her lunch when the door to her office burst open. She looked up, surprised.

“I wasn’t expecting any visitors…”

A tall, strongly built Asian man with a scarred face entered, flanked by a smaller, European man wearing a leather trench coat, looking very much like a WWII-movie Nazi and a teenage girl with red hair down to her shoulders, dressed in jeans and a T-Shirt.

“Good morning,” the big man said, flashing her a strange grin.

“Who are you?”

The big man kept smiling and pulled out a gun, pointing it in her face. “I’d like to be principal for the day…”

~

Back in the classroom, the votes were being tallied.

“Alright…” Mr. Fujiwara said. “One for Chidori…”

A “Yes!” was heard.

“One for Testarossa…”

Another, slightly different “Yes!”

Before Mr. Fujiwara could count another ballot, however, there was a great boom and the classroom door flew off its hinges.

“Go! Go! Go! Go! Hands on your heads! Move! Everyone on the ground!”

A troop of men, dressed in black kevlar vests, carrying submachine guns shuffled into the room quickly, guns aimed and yelling. Predictably, several students screamed and covered their heads, several others got on the ground, screaming and a few others sat still in confusion.

“You! Old man! On the ground now!”

Mr. Fujiwara sighed, putting the ballot box down.

“What’s the meaning of this?” he said, almost uninterested.

“Get down on the ground!”

“I’m an old man. I can’t do that.”

The one who was barking orders, the leader and a sergeant, looked confused for a few seconds. “Uhh… Then… Sit down.”

Mr. Fujiwara sighed and complied.

“Now, what’s going on? Was breaking the door really necessary?”

“No… No, I suppose not…”

“Would it have been too much trouble to knock?”

“Well…”

“Now, you’ll have to pay for that door.”

“I’m sorry, sir, I…” The Sergeant shook his head. “No! We’re here for the classroom rep. We have orders to bring him or her to the principal’s office.”
Mr. Fujiwara sighed. “We’re currently holding elections. If you’ll wait a few minutes, I’ll finish counting the ballots.”

The Sergeant stared at Fujiwara for a moment before nodding dumbly.

“O…kay…”

“Now,” Mr. Fujiwara began, “We have to begin all over.” He put the two ballots back in the box but then pulled them out again.

“That’s one for Chidori… One for Testarossa… One for… Bonta-kun? Hmm… Another for Bonta-kun… I see I have a class of jokesters this year. A third for Bonta-kun… Really not that funny.”

A minute later, he was finished. “Now, that’s one for Chidori, one for Testarossa and twenty three for Bonta-kun…” He sighed.

Kaname turned and looked at the class.

“What. The. Hell?!” she growled. Shinji stood up.

“I… I think I speak for all of us…” he began nervously, sweating and adjusting his glasses. "When I say that, if we voted for you, Tessa would cry. And if we voted for Tessa… You would hit us.”

Mr. Fujiwara sighed and addressed the Sergeant. “I’m sorry but it seems as though we’ll have to have a second election…”

The Sergeant muttered a curse and shook his head. “No, we’ll just take the two candidates with us. Seize them!”

Two of the soldiers stepped forward to apprehend Kaname and Tessa. Mr. Fujiwara, sighing again, stepped out from behind his desk and grabbed one of them. He punched him in the gut and the soldier doubled over. Then, from where he was standing, he leapt over several desks, kicking the other soldier in the face. He too crumpled.

“Oh, that’s right,” Kyouko said suddenly, putting her finger to her chin. “Mr. Fujiwara is the karate coach.

“I’m sorry but I can’t allow you to do that.”

The Sergeant stared at him for a second before yelling. “Shoot him!”

The rest of the soldiers took aim and Mr. Fujiwara sighed heavily, taking off his glasses and cleaning them. “I’m an old man…”

“You just knocked two of my soldiers out!”

“I’m an old man… Are you really going to shoot an old man?”

Sergeant scowled. “Fine. We’ll take you with us. But no karate!”

Three soldiers went forward to get Kaname, Tessa and Mr. Fujiwara.

“Wait,” Mr. Fujiwara said, looking up. The soldier about to grab him jumped back in fear.

“I need to appoint a substitute for my next class.”

“What? No!”

“Are you, sir,” Mr. Fujiwara said, his glasses flashing. “Going to deny these children, Japan’s future, an education?”

“Well… No…”

“Good. You’ll be their substitute. You’ll be teaching Geometry. The book is in the bottom drawer of my desk. We’re on page 58.”

“But…” Sergeant protested. “I’m not good at math.”

“Well, you should have thought of that before, now shouldn’t you have?”

And so, Mr. Fujiwara, Kaname and Tessa were led away. Sergeant got the book out and stared at it for a few seconds before looking at the class. He turned around and drew a triangle on the black board.

“This,” he said, clearing his throat. “Is a triangle. Any questions?”

Author’s Notes:
M’kay, that was a fun chapter, huh? A bit short but fun nonetheless.
Yes, the role call part was a slight spoof of Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. Superb film.

2/25 Edit: This was originally posted on Blissgul Ignorance and FF.net.

[Teletha Testarosa]

hee hee, a good chapter, hmmm, would have voted for tessa

[HELLFIRE]

@grateful_days
Nice to see you remembered about us here, grateful

Little suggestion, you may want to find your old fic posts here
and put them into the reader shortcuts thread here, now that your
collection here is growing... and it'd be a shame for ppl to miss your
previous work.






Best Regards!

[pilot03]

1 vote for Bonta-kun! Great chapter and series so far, but that should be no surprise. Can't wait for the next chapter.