Sousuke’s apartment was dark. Very dark. All of the shades were down, and no lights were on. Only the red, green, and yellow lights on the com console flickered on and off.
The smell was somewhat musty, almost like the first room inside a large gymnasium complex. There was a faint hint of yesterday’s dinner, and a subtle scent of lemon indicated that the dishwasher had been run earlier that day.
Rhythmic grunting and moaning were the only sounds heard. The falling sweat drops were silent. The fast and deep breaths were given little attention--- they were expected, part of the background.
It was time too stop. It wouldn’t do to push too hard. A muscle pull was the last thing the young soldier wanted. Feet strapped into boots that hooked to his exercise bar, he hung down in a Jesus Christ pose, his perspiration clinging to him like ripe fruit on a tree. He had finished his rigorous training regime. It was cool down time.
While his body relaxed, his mind took over. Sosuke felt his throat tighten. If the blood wasn’t already rushing to his head, he feared it might end up somewhere unexpected or embarrassing. It was December 23rd. The night before Christmas Eve. There was less than twenty-four hours to go. He hadn’t felt like this since the night before some of his first missions as a part of the Mithril Special Response Team.
The comparison was apt. Just this morning, he had been riding a wave of building excitement and expectation. Despite being the ultimate novice, he had begun feeling cocky. He could do this. All it took was courage and determination. People had done it many times before and lived to tell the tale.
Why couldn’t he?
What would be so difficult about a date?
Nothing. There would be nothing difficult about a date. It was the things one might be faced with on a date that were so daunting.
Sousuke breathed in deeply, then held his breath. Then, he exhaled. Trying to relax, he repeated the process a number of times. He closed his eyes. His thoughts traveled to a time in years past, where a young soldier had just earned his SRT badge.
That A.S. pilot reveled in the strength he controlled from inside his walking metal chariot. He felt invulnerable. There was nothing that could keep him from reaching his goal. He was a little nervous, but had done well on the simulators and had gotten the better of seasoned veterans on the training fields. But, when he glided down into the cauldron of battle, he learned an important lesson.
It was no video game
It did not matter how many people had piloted an M9 before him and lived to brag about it.
Things came at him at a speed he could never have understood without being there. Nothing followed the mission script. The slightest wrong move at an inopportune move could prove disastrous. 'What was he doing there?' 'How had he ever though he could do this?' He remembered having those types of thoughts.
Sousuke sighed. There was no retreating now. Like anything else, the experience may prove the key to victory some day. The upcoming encounter may simply serve as a first step. For him, a big first step.
If he survived.
Sousuke ran his hand through his hair. He flexed a number of tight muscles. Deciding it was time to get down, he swung up, grabbed the bar with both hands, then unhooked his boots. He landed on the ground silently, crouching momentarily like a large cat.
He made his way into the shower.
It would be cold water this evening.
That might help.
Lathering up, his thoughts went back to the previous night. The memory was pleasant. His hand was still on the cheek Kaname had kissed. The broom was in his hand, but it would be a while before he got back to sweeping. The image of Kaname hung in the air before him, long after she had hurried home.
“That’s for getting the right answer!”
Kaname had said before kissing him. Sousuke realized it was not much as kisses go, but who could have thought that the pressure caused by two lips on a small area of facial skin could stop a Specialist in his tracks. When he had put his lips on Mizuki’s, there had been no such electric feeling.
Right answers were a good thing when a Drill Sergeant is breathing down your neck. Sousuke had learned that the hard way. A correct answer is also an advisable thing on a Japanese History test. He had ample opportunity to discover that truth. It did not hurt to give the desired words when one was faced by a school Principal or a police officer investigating an explosion. Ditto.
There appeared to be potential benefits to answering Kaname’s questions the way she wanted. The fact that he now considered the kiss to be a good thing was more significant than the kiss itself. He didn’t know if it was because of male and female chemistry issues, or because it was a sign that someone cared and approved.
Which did he want it to be?
What did Kaname want?
Exactly what might she expect from him?
The topic of kissing was as intriguing as it was discomforting. It was true that he’d never really kissed a girl and meant it. And, Kaname’s kiss certainly was nothing like the ones he had seen in Kurz’ movie. But, the men and women in that film certainly seemed to be enjoying themselves.
He would need to keep an open mind.
As comfortable as it might have been, he could not remain a child forever in some things.
Sousuke had borrowed a number of books from the local library. What operative wanted to go into battle uninformed? Even so, to his credit, he eventually realized---after leafing through the fifth text---that things would not necessarily go by the book. Nevertheless, there were some things which he had read that stuck in his mind.
‘The sound of a kiss is not so loud as that of a cannon, but its echo lasts a great deal longer.’
That quote had caught Sousuke’s imagination.
‘Her kisses left something to be desired... the rest of her.’
That saying was general enough to raise Sousuke interest, without raising his alarm.
‘A kiss is the upper persuasion for a lower invasion.’
That earthy description had sent him out for a three mile run.
The other boys at the school laughed and joked about sex all of the time. Maybe they didn’t often realize their fantasies, but at least they were comfortable with the subject. They knew what they wanted. It was only a matter of time for them.
There had been little chance for Sousuke to laugh and joke with peers about sex, even had he compelled to do so. The soldiers he fought with spent most of their time bragging with men their own age. Some had made jokes at his expense, but most simply acted as if the young soldier wasn’t there. A number of comrades had given him money for prostitutes, but he was never certain whether they had done it to make him feel like he was part of the team... because they felt sorry for him... or as yet another joke.
In any case, he had never followed through.
He never saw the purpose in it.
The time he spent with the mujahadeen had been far worse. Their jokes and treatment had bordered on being cruel. Some had beaten him simply for looking in the direction of their daughters and wives. Others had told him that the goats and sheep were the only thing he could use for his pleasure-- -if he ever discovered that he actually was a man. There were those who suggested that he be castrated or more thoroughly emasculated.
It was the price he paid for being an outsider, no matter how good a fighter he became.
He brought his mind back to the present. There were important points to consider. He could not avoid thinking about certain possibilities.
Might a high school girl be thinking about sexual relations on Christmas Eve?
Would Kaname?
What should he do if she did?
‘It is not sex that gives the pleasure, but the lover.’
Sousuke was a fighter, not a lover. He knew nothing of intimacy. Specifically, he did not know if he wanted to have an intimate relationship with Kaname. It would be inappropriate, given his mission.
If he merely went ahead with things because Kananme desired it, would he be a blackguard and a liar if he did not feel the same way? Would he destroy their relationship if he refused? He should be honest with his feelings. There would be no reason to be ashamed of that.
‘For women the best aphrodisiacs are words. The G-spot is in the ears. He who looks for it below there is wasting his time.’
Sousuke had no knowledge the actual words that boys said to girls in simple romantic banter. Such conversations went on around him at school, but he never paid attention---they would merely be distractions. He certainly didn’t know what words would be appropriate for anything more serious than that. There was also the matter of the G-spot---the concept had him blushing so fiercely, he had never finished reading about it.
He looked down at his hand. Without realizing it, he had squeezed a new bar of soap in half.
“It is foolish getting worked up over nothing. I should not create problems.”
Chances were that Kaname would not be expecting an intimate relationship. She was still in high school. There were no boys with whom she dated. Gossip about her always brought quick and heated denials.
But, why had she invited him to a Love Hotel then? Melissa had made it clear that many people went to such places for physical love. But, her words suggested that a large number also went because of emotional love. That subject was almost as confusing as sex. In some ways, it was even more unnerving.
What did Sousuke know about love?
He had loved his mother and father. They were both torn from his life in traumatic fashion. He could only assume that he loved his brother and sister as well, but he had little memory of either of them. Who else had he ever loved after that? No one.
If love was what Kaname expected, should he honor his acceptance? He did not wish to get Kaname’s hopes up, only to disappoint her. He would make no assumptions about his ability to love or be loved.
In warfare, when someone had expectations that were too high, unfortunate results occurred. In combat, when a fighter acted outside of his level for expertise, he sometimes brought down others with him when he fell. Could that happen in the dealings between boys and girls too?
“I would never wish to do something that would hurt Kaname.”
That statement practically vibrated with truth. Sousuke was surprised by his own level of vehemence. He honestly knew that he would die to keep her safe. Taking things a step further, he realized that he would suffer any amount of pain, just to keep her from being hurt.
Could THAT be love?
Might it lead to such things?
‘In real love, you want the other person’s good. In romantic love, you want the other person.’
Sousuke certainly wanted what was good for Kaname. He might even want Kaname herself, if some of his thoughts were any indication. But, the platitude did NOT say that if you want the other person’s good, you are definitely in love.
As such, he had no guarantee that he was capable of loving Kaname. Or any girl, for that matter.
‘When women love us, they forgive us everything, even our crimes; when they do not love us, they give us credit for nothing, not even our virtues.’
The thought of love leading to forgiveness was attractive to a young man who had killed so many enemies in the name of justice and world peace. Yet, while he may not have earned the wisdom that comes from being struck down by love, but Sousuke suspected that the emotion carried with it the promise of both pleasure and pain.
Sousuke knew enough of duality from his times in battle. The rush and thrill of victory could turn to ashes in the hero’s mouth when he saw the results of his carnage up close. It also helped that he had stumbled across a rather powerful bit of verse in his reading:
‘When love beckons to you follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions
May wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams
As the north wind lays waste the garden.
For even as love crowns you
so shall he crucify you.
Even as he is for your growth
So is he for your pruning.’
The imagery was almost frightening.
Sousuke did not know if he would be completely prepared to go to Belles Des Belles. But, when he did so, it would be with Kaname. He would not forget the words he had spoken to her on that large rock, both of them about to go fishing at his secret spot: ‘When you’re with me, I can do anything.’
If he was to explore some new world, who better to be with than her?
He also remembered the time they had spent running through the forests of Khanka. At one point, bonded by their brush with death, they had fallen into each other’s eyes. Sousuke still didn’t know what he was feeling then, or whether he would see it’s like again. But, he remembered asking Kaname if she trusted him. She did, and they survived because of that.
He would place his trust in her now. He would do his best.
‘Love is, above all, the gift of oneself.’
Could he give that? He would try.
After toweling himself dry and getting dressed, Sousuke headed out into his living area. Turning on the lights, he looked at the chair in the far corner. A number of presents lay their, neatly wrapped.
Sousuke and Kaname did not participate in Christmas day as a religious event. They did, however, decide to exchange gifts on the night of the 24th. That had left Sousuke with a bit of a quandary. What should he buy her? What would his motivation be?
It did not feel right simply to buy Kaname a present because she expected it, or because she was getting him one. There had to be some other reason. Sousuke thought about buying her something based on how he felt about her. That wouldn’t work, because he still wasn’t entirely certain. He might not know how he stood until that night had come and gone. No, he would operate based on what she had done for an awkward soldier operating in a foreign environment.
Despite his proclivity for trouble, Sousuke had been generally well-treated by the girl he was assigned to protect. He could not count how many times she had done him an unexpected or undeserved kindness, or had forgiven him his clumsy actions. Kaname was the reason his stay at Jindai High School had gone as well as it had. She was the one who made an effort to help him fit in.
Kaname was almost like a squad mate. They had been through a lot together, good and bad, comical and tragic. That was why he had decided to give her his most prized possession. She had seen it before, and had even held it for him in the hospital. It was the photograph of his old team in Afghanistan. He had put it in a new frame.
“I am certain she will take good care of you,” Sousuke muttered to the package. “Despite her protestation, she has taken good care of me.”
Sousuke had gotten her a number of smaller gifts as well, the selection of which was aided by serendipity. He remembered overhearing her talk with Kyouko about music, mentioning the name of an album she wanted.
Swiss chocolates and French perfume were available at a local fancy store he had walked past He saw displays in the window . Girls supposedly liked candy and perfumes. As Kaname was a girl, he had a chance of being successful.
Kaname had kept his note, just as he had kept her card. Kaname should have a card as well. He had found one which seemed adequate.
It had been difficult deciding what to write. Sousuke was not good with words. One of the books provided his salvation. He combined two sayings that seemed adequate:
‘I need the starshine of your heavenly eyes, after the day’s great sun. And if I had a rose for every time I thought of you, I’d walk through a garden forever.’
He had found the urge to fight on, looking into Kaname’s eyes in Khanka. There was no doubt that he had spent a lot of time thinking about her, even though his thoughts were not recognizably romantic in the past. Girls appeared to like fancy words. He hoped Kaname would be satisfied.
Sousuke went over to his closet. Kaname had made two stipulations for their date. No weapons whatsoever, and nice clothes. Somewhat uneasy about the first, he had reluctantly agreed. Consulting with a woman in the nearby Men’s Shop helped him meet the second requirement.
He was about to look through his new clothes, selecting what to wear on the following night. He was interrupted by an unmistakable noise. The communications console. There was a call coming in.
Sousuke had a strong sense of foreboding.
“Urzu 7, this is Mithril base, over.” Sousuke did not recognize the voice.
Flipping a number of switches, and slowly turning a dial until frequency matching was optimal, Sousuke clenched his teeth. He was worried. If his services were needed, it couldn’t be at a more inopportune time.
“Mithril base, this is Urzu 7, I read you. Over.”
“Very good, Sgt. Sagara. I am patching through a call from Tuatha Da Danaan. They should be on when I hang up. God speed. Over.”
Sousuke looked over at the signal strength meter. It fluctuated wildly at first, then stabilized.
“Urzu 7, this is SRT lead, do you copy. Over.”
Lt. Cmdr. Kalinin.
He was not one to check in on him to see how he was doing. Sousuke’s heart sank. There could only be one reason for this call. All other communications would be handled by ancillary personnel.
“SRT lead, this is Urzu 7. I copy. What is the situation, Sir?”
“Your presence is required for a mission. More detail will be provided once you are on board. A helicopter is inward bound. You will need to be at the rendezvous point by 1200 hours tonight. That is all.”
“Sir, wait!” Sousuke went stiff. Melissa Mao might push the boundaries of military etiquette from time to time, but he never did.
“Yes, Sergeant? You realize this is a semi-secure line. We do not want the transmission traced back to the source.” Kalinin’s voice was stern and unyielding. Sousuke knew that he better have a good reason for breaking protocol. He did not. Still, he must do what he could.
“It is about Miss Chidori, sir.” Sousuke didn’t go into details yet. He was still searching for the appropriate words. He was unsuccessful. In all likelihood, there were none.
“She will not be left unprotected, Sergeant. Support personnel in the area will covertly keep an eye on her. Their presence should prove sufficient for the three to five days you are gone. If you are finished....”
“Lt. Cmdr., Miss Chidori had made arrangements for the two of us tomorrow evening, at considerable expense, and out of her own pocket.” Sousuke had done his part. He awaited whatever censure would follow.
“I see. I expected a day like this might come. I am glad to see you showing dedication to something out of your profession. However, this is NOT the time. Arbalest is required. Your duty is clear. The Finance Department will reimburse Miss Chidori. Ending transmission.”
The line went dead.
Sousuke hung his head.
There was nothing more he could have said. He had been walking dangerous ground as it was, as there were people in the High Command who felt that Sousuke’s skills were being wasted in Tokyo.
The duty and obligation of his job were intruding on the life he had hoped to explore. He knew how much Kaname hated ‘duty’ and ‘obligation’ as it was. This would make her very upset. The investment she made in time was regrettably lost. Her monetary investment would be a moot point. But, her emotional investment was what mattered. Sousuke was clever enough to see that.
She might indeed hate him for this. But, he had only two choices: he could accept the mission, or he could refuse and leave the organization. So, in actuality, he only had one choice. He would explain things the best he could and deal with the inevitable consequences.
The ARX-7 was necessary.
That meant that Sousuke was needed.
His desires were immaterial. There would be lives at stake.
He sat quietly for a few moments, staring at his open closet and at the presents on his chair. He looked over at the stack of books he had perused. Rising, he walked over and picked up the card Kaname had given him.
Sousuke reached for the phone. He stopped. Kaname should hear this in person.
An idea came to mind. Taking off his fatigues, he got dressed in one of the new outfits that he had purchased. There would be time to stop by Kaname’s apartment, return, get dressed again, and make it to the pick-up point in time.
Gathering up the presents in his arms, he walked towards the door. Turning out the lights, he headed on his way.
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Kaname was humming happily as she finished cleaning up the kitchen. She had eaten a simple meal, but it had tasted uncommonly good.
Everything had seemed particularly wonderful that day.
When she had gotten home from shopping, she had called the restaurant to confirm her reservations. Three times. Likewise, she called Belles Des Belles more times than they might want.
Walking by her mother’s picture, she stopped to say a quick word.
“Well Mom, I’ve finally done it. I’m going to see if Sousuke can mean something to me. Keep your fingers crossed, OK?” Walking on, Kaname stopped and came back. “I called Ayame and told her too. She was very jealous. Not that I was rubbing things in. I hope she keeps it a secret like she promised!”
Despite showering after gym at school, Kaname took another long hot shower when she came home. The expressed purpose was to determine which combination of soap, shower gel, and shampoo did best together. There was nothing wrong with getting things just right!
“I know one thing, it will NOT be a dandruff shampoo. Big idiot.” Kaname drew a picture of Sousuke on the fogged up shower stall door. She smacked it lightly with her wash cloth.
After using up a fair amount of bath products, she settled into a more difficult task. A number of new outfits lay on the bed. They would need to be tried on. A crucial decision would need to be made.
“Too provocative!”
The first outfit wasn’t racy by any stretch of the imagination, but it did accentuate things more than she liked considering where they would be going. Sousuke was incredibly naïve, but the old adage said it was the quiet ones that girls should be wary of. He was an all or nothing kind of guy. It didn’t pay to take too big a chance.
“Like inviting him to a Love Hotel isn’t a big risk!”
She shook her head. Trust logic to intrude on her happy thoughts. Kaname had decided to through caution to the wind, but she was not about to throw off all her clothes too.
“Not unless things are just right....”
Her face felt like it was on fire. That thought never failed to leave her flustered. She had been talking earlier as if Sousuke was some clueless farm boy, but she wasn’t much better herself. Biting her lip, she wondered if Sousuke ever had similar thoughts. Anout things being just right, that is.
That outfit set neatly aside, she moved on to the next.
“Too pedestrian.”
It was a very nice selection of clothes. But, it certainly was not quite right. She did want to accentuate certain things. Just because she didn’t wish to send the wrong message didn’t mean that she didn’t want to torture Sousuke some. It would be good for him. Right?
“He deserves it, the jerk!”
Kaname smiled. It would be nice to see Sousuke blush, stammer, and sweat. It would show that he appreciated her.
She moved onto her final selection. Looking in her full length mirror, she did a happy pirouette. Next, she practiced a slow walk. After that, she reclined on her chair and her couch. She stood staring at her bed a while, before running back to the mirror.
“It will do.”
Kaname smiled. The outfit was perfect. Everything was coming along so well. But, she was far from finished. There were different purses, watches, earrings and scarves to try on. Not to mention perfumes, nail colors, and breath mints.
When she was finally finished with her fashion and cosmetics parade, she went to her closet and took out fancy paper and other necessary items. She placed her gifts for Sousuke on the floor and began wrapping them.
The first one was just meant to be cute. She had found it weeks ago, buying it before she had even conjured up her idea for Christmas Eve. It was a pistol made out of milk chocolate. Sousuke didn’t care much for sweets, but he did like chocolate. Kaname tied a large red bow around the candy package before wrapping it.
Her second selection had been more practical. She had chosen a shirt that she thought Sousuke would look good in. That way, it would be just as much a present for her as it would be for him. It might be a little premature to be thinking that way, but she didn’t care. She was caught up in the moment.
Tears came to Kaname’s eyes as she wrapped the final gift. It was special to her. It was a scarf her mother had given her for her birthday. It had been one of the last presents she had gotten from her. She hoped that Sousuke would appreciate it and understand the significance.
It took a while before she figured out what she wanted to write in the card. It couldn’t be too forward, as this would be the first date, and who knows what either of them might be thinking afterwards. It shouldn’t be too stuffy, either. She was determined to wean Sousuke off of manuals, spec sheets, analyses, and the like.
Her choice was simple: ‘I believe in you.’
Looking at the clock, Kaname was shocked to see how late it had gotten. She still had dinner to fix and her homework to finish. Before she did those, there was something else she wanted to do. She ran to the phone and began dialing Sousuke’s number. She stopped.
“No. Maintain a little mystery. It’s just a date. We don’t want to overdo things!” Having said that, she went about putting away piles of clothes, boxes of bathroom items, and a whole slew of odds and ends.
To be safe, she would double check her homework in the morning. For some reason, she seemed a bit absent-minded.
Cooking dinner, she caught herself doing things she normally wouldn’t do. She had placed a package in boiling water, rather than the pouch it contained. Before that, she had wondered what was taking so long for the water to get ready---she forgot to turn on the heat. Salt took the place of pepper. Sugar took the place of salt. She put the soup through a colander.
Eventually she settled down and put together a pleasant meal. The entire time she ate, she thought about the dinner she would have the following night. She tried to think of things to talk about with Sousuke.
“So Sousuke, what do you think of the Defense Force’s new Arm Slave?”
Kaname smiled. That was one of the last things she would ask! And, if Sousuke made the mistake of coming anywhere near a military topic, she would make him pay. Big time!
“Have you given any consideration to what you might like to blow up next at school?”
Kaname laughed. There couldn’t be too much left that he hadn’t already exploded, torched, trashed, or otherwise dismantled. Besides, it was her duty to work on his means of personal expression.
“Sousuke, have you ever noticed just how pathetic short clumsy girls with platinum-colored hair are?”
Yes. That one had some promise!
Kaname smiled and shook her head. She didn’t need to force things. In fact, it was better if she didn’t. It would be important to see if she and Sousuke could have anything to talk about when they were alone in personal moments. Her own words from the night before stood out in her mind. ‘But just maybe he’s MY big idiot.’ Well, she reserved the right to change her mind. As early and as often as she liked. It was her prerogative as a woman. It was also a surefire way of always being right.
“Better treat me right, knucklehead. Or, I’ll toss you aside like that!” Kaname snapped her fingers. It sounded wimpy and pathetic. She tried again with the same results. Again. And again. “You know what I mean!”
Yes. She had the power. If she only accomplished one thing on Christmas Eve, it would be to make certain that Sousuke understood that!
“Hmmppff!!!”
Looking at the dirty pots and dishes, Kaname smirked. Tomorrow night, she wouldn’t have to do any dishes---not at dinner, and not at the hotel. That thought in mind, she filled the sink with soap suds and water and began attacking the dinnerware. Before she knew it, she was humming happily.
The day she had been waiting for was almost here.
She might be nervous, but it was a good kind of nervous.
“Please, don’t let anything go wrong!”
For a moment, she pictured Sousuke walking alone down town, visiting his favorite bookstore. On Christmas Eve. Having forgotten all about their date.
She dropped a plate. It shattered all over the floor, some of the pieces skittering far under the counter. The noise made Kaname jump.
“I’ll put handcuffs on him and me at the end of school if I have to!” Kaname growled as she reached for her broom. It was her time to do some sweeping. If there was any justice, Sousuke would show up to lend a hand.
The doorbell rang.
Kaname dropped the broom.
Her heart began pounding. Could it be him? Was it Sousuke?
She fought the urge to run to the door. She would maintain her dignity. She looked out through the small security window.
It WAS Sousuke!
How did she look? She didn’t have dishpan hands, did she? Why hadn’t she worn her rubber gloves? There wasn’t any time to do her hair. Damn him for showing up unannounced!
The bell rang again.
Kaname took a couple of deep breaths, annoyed at herself for behaving this way. What was wrong with her? It was only Sousuke. Putting on a nonchalant look, she opened the door.
“What’s up, Sousuke?” She asked, seeing him at the doorstep. Her words stuck in her mouth after that.
The young soldier was dressed in a very nice outfit, with pressed slacks and an expensive looking European style shirt. He wore a fancy watch and had a gold chain around his neck. His shoes were stylish and his belt was just right. He had presents and a card in his arms.
Kaname stood staring.
“Kaname, may I come in?” Sousuke’s voice was flat. It made Kaname’s heart skip a beat. Was something wrong? Had he changed his mind?
“Yes... uh.... SURE... please come in.” Kaname looked at Sousuke’s face. It was at odds with the clothing he wore. He looked troubled.
“Thank you.” It was Sousuke’s turn to stand and stare. Kaname wasn’t wearing anything special, but he wasn’t looking at her outfit. He was looking at her face.
“You look really nice, Sousuke. I hope you’re not confused. The date’s tomorrow night!” Kaname laughed, hoping to lighten the mood.
Sosusuke didn’t say anything. Now Kaname was beginning to worry in earnest.
“Sousuke? Is something the matter?” He had to say ‘No.’ He just had to. Kaname wanted to answer for him.
Sousuke merely nodded his head.
Kaname tensed up. Her arms were tight against her body, seemingly unable to move. Her mouth opened and closed.
“I will not be able to join you tomorrow night, Kaname. I am sorry.”
The sound of the breaking plate echoes through Kaname’s head again. She imagined her heart breaking this time. She should feel sad, but she didn’t. She should be angry too, but she wasn’t. She was numb. She didn’t want to accept what she just heard.
“W-W-Why?” It was all she could manage.
“I leave by helicopter tonight at 1200 hours. An urgent mission has come up.” Sousuke’s eyes were filled with sorrow, but Kaname could not see that.
“By their request, or yours?” A little anger had crept into her voice. With that first step taken, rage began to build up, tempered with sorrow and disappointment.
Sousuke blinked repeatedly. That barb had obviously hit the mark. Kaname immediately felt guilty. Her rage began to subside as quickly as it had arisen.
“Arbalest is needed. That means I am needed. It is....”
“Duty and obligation?” Kaname’s look was one of frustration. Tears welled in her eyes. She clenched her fists. She tried to think before she spoke, but the overwhelming sense of disappointment pushed too hard.
“Is there ever going to be more than that, Sousuke?” Her words started out as sarcasm but ended up as a plea. She turned and looked away from him. She began trembling ever so slightly.
“Yes, Kaname. Duty.” Sousuke spoke quietly. He placed the presents down on Kaname’s table. “I do not wish to go. I have no choice. I too looked forward to Christmas Eve.” He began to walk towards her, then stopped. He took a step back.
Kaname was silent. Her mind just couldn’t handle the turn of events. She had been soaring so high and had fallen so fast.
“I asked if I could stay. I cannot. But, they will reimburse you for the money you spent. I could do that much. Perhaps some other....” Sousuke was cut off.
“I see. You could do that much. You break our date... you break my heart... you throw all my hard work out the window... but you got my money back.” Kaname couldn’t stop the bitterness spilling out of her. This had been too important. She had set her hopes too high.
She had allowed herself to be vulnerable again.
“Thank you so very much, soldier.” The tears were streaming down her cheeks now.
Sousuke now stood silently. He had wondered how Kaname would take things. It looked as if his worse fears were being realized. He didn’t know what to do. He had no idea of what to say.
“I think I’d like to be alone now, Sousuke.” Kaname could hold back her sobbing for a little while longer. She would be damned if she let Sousuke see her break down.
“Yes, Kaname. But, I am not abandoning you.” Sousuke needed to make that point. He knew how Kaname felt about abandonment, given the hard times in her past.
“Aren’t you?” Kaname’s voice and posture indicated that she was in no mood to be reasonable.
“Kaname, I....”
“Sousuke, please go. I don’t want you here, now. I don’t know if I want you to come back.”
Kaname wasn’t certain if she spoke the truth, but it might be the best solution. She should have known better to place her faith in a scruffy vagabond soldier. What had she been thinking?! She hadn’t been thinking!
“As you wish.”
The words were bittersweet for Sousuke. He thought about one of his favorite movies, ‘The Princess Bride.’ Those words had a special meaning in that film. While it was too soon for him to feel that way about Kaname, her reaction left him feeling somewhat hollow.
He started walking towards the door, then stopped.
“The gifts on the table are for you. If you can bring yourself to think more kindly of me while I am gone, I hope that you will open them. I would not have brought them if I was rejecting you, Kaname.”
As he headed out the door, something flew by his head, hit the wall with the sound of breaking glass, then fell to the floor.
It was one of the presents. The picture. He went stiff, as if paralyzed.
“You get me a refund. You bring me presents. Do you think that makes everything OK?” Kaname’s anger began shoving her grief aside.
“I wanted something more than that, or is that too hard for a puppet like you to understand. Go on. The strings are pulling, aren’t they. All you have is guns and battles and fighting. You obviously don’t have what I need.”
The words hit Sousuke hard. He jerked ever so slightly. A ringing filled his ears.
“I am sorry you feel that way, Kaname. I would have given you everything I have.” Sousuke looked down at the picture, its gift wrapping partly torn.
“I gave you my best.” With that he left, leaving Kaname’s door open and untouched.
Kaname had followed Sousuke’s eyes. His words struck a chord in her. Without knowing exactly why, she walked over and picked up the present she had thrown.
A few pieces of broken glass fell out onto the floor.
When she took the paper off, her mouth fell open.
It was the picture of Sousuke’s old squad in Afghanistan. One of his most treasured possessions. He had put it in a new and beautiful frame. For her. He was giving it to her. Just as she had wrapped up the scarf for him.
Kaname looked at the picture again. She had first seen it during their time in Khanka. She had spilled her tears upon it in the hospital, thinking she’d never see Sousuke again. It had sat in a place of prominence in Sousuke’s room, one of the first things she saw every time she paid him a visit.
It was for her. He was giving it to her. Despite what she just did. In spite of what she had said.
‘I gave you my best.’
Her tears fell on the picture again. How could she have said the things she said? Sousuke wasn’t doing things to hurt her purposely. He was doing his job. His life would be at risk. Like the men in the picture, he might never come back.
“Who doesn’t have what the other one needs?” She whispered, feeling terribly ashamed.
She walked over to the table and carefully set the broken picture down. Staring at the other gifts, her head snapped up. What was she doing standing here while Sousuke was walking home alone, wounded by words he didn’t deserve.
Kaname’s eyes zeroed in on the card. After all of the things that had happened because of that other card, she felt a tremendous compulsion to read this one. ‘I need the starshine of your heavenly eyes, after the day’s great sun. And if I had a rose for every time I thought of you, I’d walk through a garden forever.’ The words were so beautiful. They made Kaname feel even worse.
Those words. The photograph. The new clothes he wore tonight because he wouldn’t be here tomorrow. Coming over to see her. Sousuke had obviously tried hard. He had done his best. That best was more than she had any right to expect. And she couldn’t see that until now.
Not taking the time to put her shoes back on, Kaname ran out her door, not bothering to close it. Feeling a growing urgency in her, she would not wait for the elevator. She ran down the stairs faster than a sane person should, sliding down one long straight stretch of railing.
Bursting out of the front door of her apartment building, Kaname nearly knocked over an elderly couple out for a stroll. A cat shot up a tree as if it were chased by the very hounds of Hell. The blue-haired girl was oblivious to it all.
“Damn you” Kaname cursed herself. She was feeling sick at heart. As much as Christmas Eve had meant to her, it paled in significance to someone’s life. Especially the life of someone who had risked his life for her on numerous occasions.
Kaname was growing winded. Her throat felt sore. The muscles in her legs were knotting up. She wouldn’t slow down, though. Turning one corner, she saw Sousuke.
“Sooo-uuu-ssss-uuu-k-a-a-a-a-a-y....” Kaname called out as she ran, slowing down when she saw him stop and turn. Leaning up against a fence momentarily, she looked at him while her breaths came in ragged gasps.
He stood still. He did not rush up to see how she was like he normally would do.
“Sousuke.......... please.......... wait..........” Kaname began walking forward slowly, a little unsteady on her feet. She felt somewhat light-headed. “Please...”
Sousuke began walking towards her. She bowed her head. For some reason, his coming to meet her halfway gave her hope.
“Kaname, are you OK? Is there some kind of emergency?”
Sousuke looked concerned, not sad. That in itself threatened to bring the tears back to Kaname’s eyes. Soon to be headed off to who knows where... just hurt by someone unjustifiably... and he’s worried about that person. Me. I’m that person.
Sousuke.
Who else would ever do that?
“Yes, Sousuke.” Kaname almost smiled, seeing Sousuke go through his usual routine of surveying the immediate area.
“You almost walked away with hearing my apology. That was very inconsiderate of you.” Despite her feelings of guilt and shame, Kaname felt some of her spunk returning.
“Kaname?” Sousuke looked incredulous. Kaname almost smiled. She didn’t, though. She couldn’t. Not yet.
There were a number of minutes of awkward silence. As hard as Kaname tried, she couldn’t get the words to come out. Sousuke stood patiently.
When Kaname looked up, her eyes looked haunted. “I’m sorry, Sousuke. I’m so so-or-eeeeeeee...” She ran up and threw herself up against a startled Sousuke, Her arms went around his back and locked tight. She placed her face into his chest and began sobbing uncontrollably.
Sousuke did not know what to do. Kaname obviously regretted her earlier words. That made him feel somewhat better. But, he now had a trembling girl latched onto him.
What does one do with an inconsolable woman?
Buried though they might be, the young soldier did have normal human instincts. He began stroking Kaname’s hair with one hand. He placed the other around her waist. His own pain slowly ebbed away. He started to take note of Kaname’s sorrow. He was in part to blame.
“It is not a problem.”
Kaname stopped crying and looked up into Sousuke’s face. ‘It’s not a problem.’ Those words seemed like the world to her. He could have said ‘I love you, Kaname’ and it wouldn’t have moved her as much. He didn’t hate her.
She began to take notice of Sousuke’s stroking. Closing her eyes, she enjoyed the feeling, momentarily forgetting why she was standing in the darkness in her stocking feet. When Sousuke stopped, Kaname frowned.
“Who told you to stop, soldier?”
“Uh....”
Try as she may, Kaname couldn’t make light of the situation. Her conscience would have nothing of it.
“I’m sorry, Sousuke.” Kaname stepped away from him and bowed. “I’m so ashamed. I will understand if you don’t want to speak with me now. I.... I....”
“I understand, Kaname. You were upset. Once again I have ruined things for you, even though it was not my intention. But I suppose that does not matter, when you always find yourself miserable because of me.” Sousuke looked at the hand that had been caressing Kaname’s hair.
Those words struck Kaname square in the heart.
“Sousuke.... no.... it’s not your fault. You have a responsibility that would break most men. I should know that by now. You can’t blame yourself when I set my expectations too high. It’s... I....”
“Kaname...”
“No, Sousuke. Let me finish. I’m selfish. I could only think of what was important to me. A lot of people will probably die if you don’t succeed. I’m not important compared to that. I’m just one person.”
Kaname began crying again. She shook her head, but the tears wouldn’t stop.
“That may be so, Kaname. There was something I read that makes sense to me now. ‘To the world you might be one person, but to one person you might be the world.’” Sousuke looked into Kaname’s eyes and blushed. Why did he say that?
How much did Kaname mean to him?
Kaname looked up slowly, a look of disbelief on her face. “Sousuke?”
Now that the words had spilled out, Sousuke’s discomfort grew. “It is cold out here, Kaname. You should have a coat. Shoes also.”
She was not about to be distracted now. Not at that moment. Pulling the hair out of her face, she wiped her eyes.
“What were you trying to say, Sousuke?” Kaname looked hopeful. Suddenly, her grief and shame melted away. It was as if the earlier events had never happened, or had taken place days ago.
“I... uh... the night air is somewhat cold and chill. Warm clothing would be advisable.”
Kaname scowled. She knew Sousuke understood the spirit of her question. She could tell by the uncomfortable look on his face.
“Sousuke. You’re right. I’m cold, tired, and near freezing. I can’t stand out here much longer. So, will you please tell me what you meant?”
Sousuke sighed.
He looked away, glancing up at the moon. He ran his hand through his hair.
“You are important to me, Kaname.”
Somehow, Kaname realized that she wouldn’t be able to coax anything more out of Sousuke that night. It could be because of the way she treated him earlier. It could be the setting. Or, he might not be entirely certain of his own feelings.
It didn’t matter.
Those words were more than she deserved. They warmed her up more than any coat would have.
“Thank you, Sousuke.” Kaname paused until Sousuke looked her in the eyes. “You are important to me too. Very important. That’s what I wanted to find out on Christmas Eve---just how important.”
“Yes.” Sousuke nodded his head. He obviously had the same question.
Both Sousuke and Kaname took a step towards one another, then stopped. It was as if they could read each other’s mind. More than anything, Kaname wanted to be kissed. Sousuke had an urge he wasn’t certain of. Neither felt comfortable enough forcing things.
“I...you...could you come back to my apartment for just a moment, Sousuke? Is there enough time? There is something I really want to give you tonight before you go.” Kaname’s heart was in her eyes. There was something she needed to do.
“There is still time,” Sousuke answered. “I will come.”
When the two of them finally made it to their destination, Kaname handed Sousuke a package and a card. She had him open the card first.
“I believe in you,” Sousuke said, reading. He bowed his head and found it heard to look up again. No one had ever said that to him before in a personal manner. His commanding officers and fellow soldiers believed in his skills and abilities, but not even Melissa or Kurz had spoken words that touched him this much.
He sat that way for a while, not knowing exactly what he was feeling. There was a joy he was afraid to acknowledge for the fear that something would come and snatch it away. There was the weight of so many years alone, suddenly feeling heavier than they ever had before.
Kaname watched with an odd mix of happiness and sorrow. She walked over and wrapped her arm around Sousuke’s shoulders. “I really do, Sousuke.” She leaned her head against his.
“Thank you.” If Kaname hadn’t been so close, she never would have heard the words.
“Here. It’s time to open this.” Kaname handed Sousuke the present. “The other’s can wait until you get back.” Kaname forced herself not to think the word ‘if.’
As Sousuke removed the wrapping, Kaname told him about the scarf. She marveled at how the two of them had independently chosen gifts that had such great value to them.
“I would like to ask a favor of you, Sousuke.”
“Kaname?”
“When you go into battle, will you wear that scarf for me?” Kaname’e eyes were very wide.
“Like a knight wearing a lady’s favor?”
“No. If you wear that, I will feel that I am still close to you. Maybe you can feel the same.”
Sousuke looked at Kaname, taking note of the look in her eyes.
“Yes. I will do that.”
He hesitated, suddenly knowing what he wanted to say next. The inspiration caught him by surprise. The urge inside him would not give him any peace. But, it was so rash, so unlike him. It might be a mistake.
He was afraid of doing things wrong, or making a fool of himself.
Especially at a moment like this.
“Under one condition,” he said, stepping past the point of no return.
“And that is?” Kaname arched an eyebrow.
“Uh...”
Sousuke...”
“Uh...”
“SOUSUKE!!!”
“Kaname, there is something I would like to do, but I need your assistance to get it right.” Sousuke was sweating. He was teetering on the edge.
“And?”
“I would like to kiss you, Kaname.”
Kaname froze. She couldn’t believe what she just heard. Her heart began beating wildly in her chest. With her heart stunned, her mischievous part took over .
“Maybe when you get back. If you take good care of the scarf.” She sniffed loudly. “Big idiot!”
“Uh...”
Kaname threw her arms around Sousuke and kissed him. He was shocked at first, but soon showed that he was an apt pupil.
“So, was that wonderful for you too, Sousuke?” Kaname felt like gloating when the embrace broke.
There was a moment where no one spoke.
“I will let you know when I get back,” Sousuke said.
He was an apt pupil indeed.
[FIC] Christmas Cake (pt. 4)
Moderators: KiLlEr, HELLFIRE, Taurec
[FIC] Christmas Cake (pt. 4)
Last edited by dd on Tue Jun 08, 2004 4:53 pm, edited 4 times in total.
you had me worried there dd-sama! Thankyou for not letting Kaname mess it up too badly. Sigh. You write faster than I do, but I always have a hard time waiting for your next chapter! 
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Sgt. Sagara Sousuke
- Cannon
- Posts: 1195
- Joined: Thu Jun 03, 2004 2:08 pm
(just kidding - write it anyway!)-
Sgt. Sagara Sousuke
- Cannon
- Posts: 1195
- Joined: Thu Jun 03, 2004 2:08 pm