[FIC] Explanations, part 7 {Chapter 11}

[dd]

Sousuke walked swiftly down the hallway, his eyes seeing only walls and floors, and his ears aware only of his own heartbeat. The other people walking in the same area did not exist for him at that given moment.

He had finished the systems checks and mission download for Sgt. Weber's M9. He had gone over everything twice, as someone else's life rested in his hands. Momentarily short-staffed, the ECS technician and the assistant mechanic had asked for his assistance, and he had supplied the neccesary extra set of hands, back, and muscle. He had dropped a coolant cyliner on his foot, and the pain was still somewhat severe; but, that was not the reason for his black mood and single-mindedness.

Reaching the door he wanted, he opened it, walked into the dark room, closing the door behind him without increasing illumination. He strode forward too swifty and too far, earning his calf a painful contact with the unseen wooden bench-top. He sat down angrily, swallowed up by the darkness.

With his eyes having nothing to see, and his ears having nothing to hear, Sousuke's mind conjured up various images, as if it felt uncomfortable operating in a vacuum. He saw a fax machine. A halisen. A condom. Noodles and crab. The Captain's dress shoes. Sgt. Weber's soda bottle. Sgt. Major Mao's beer can. Oak chairs. Images from the briefing. All these things flashed by so fast, they seemed to blur together, taking on chapes and colors different than usual, then changing back again.

Sousuke rubbed his hands against his eyes, as if to stop the progression of images. He was unsuccessful, and considered turning on the lights. No, he must deal with this.

The images slowed down...solidified...became distinct. Voices rushed in as a part of a congregation and then dutifully sorted themselves out from the crowd, pairing up with their respective images.

*He heard Kaname telling him how she was afraid of being abandoned.

**He heard Captain Testarossa telling him she was disappointed with him.

***He heard Melissa worry about whether or not he was a risk.

****He heard Lt. Cmdr. Kalinin say a good soldier needed to learn about humanity.

*****He heard Sgt. Weber say that he and Sgt. Major Mao would face death while Sousuke remained behind.

These memories moved aside, having said their piece. Sousuke shook off the rush of images, limiting the scope of his remembrance. He recalled his meeting with Sergeant Major Mao shortly before the briefing. Her words still burned a hole in his conscious thoughts.

"Sousuke, I am truly sorry, I know things have been hard for you." she had said, followed by "At the command meeting, we were in unanimous agreement that you should sit this mission out. It was not a matter of trust or dissatisfaction...it was a matter of uncertainty. You need time to think and sort yourself out, and battle is no place for that. We cannot afford to use you if you are not at your best, not when there are other options available."

A number of days ago, his superiors and peers had been content with him. A number of days ago, he had been at peace with himself. A number of days ago, things had been EASIER! Just what had he DONE to earn this situation?

The absurdity of the situation struck him: his empire was crumbling because of a fax and a condom.

The best torturers from the Spanish Inquisition couldn't have tormented Sousuke any more than he tormented himself. Being blinded with a poker was no worse than seeing one's doubts and fears come to light. Being burned by hot coals might be preferable to the ruthless flame of conscience and self-examination. Being quartered by horses would be nothing compared the the tug-o-war between reality and expectations.

Suddenly the door opened, and the light from the hall blinded him. Sgt. Conrad turned on the room light and walked in, surprised to see the younger soldier there.

"Sousuke, what are you doing here with the lights off...is there something wrong...is there something I can do to help?" his fellow Arm Slave pilot inquired.

"No, Sergeant Conrad," Soususke said after a few moments, somehow feeling like a child who had been caught doing something wrong. "I needed a moment to myself. I thank you for your concern."

"I won't be long Sousuke...I just needed my chronometer...I had left it behind." He paused, looking at Sousuke. "Again, if there is something you need, don't hesitate to ask."

"Thank you Sergeant."

After the other man had left the room, the lights were still on, and the harsh glow almost made Sousuke feel like he a criminal under interrogation. Sousuke had chosen this room because he felt it would be the LAST place he would come across any of the four pilots chosen for this mission...they SHOULD have been suited up and finished with this place. He hadn't gone back to his own cabin because Sgt. Weber and Sgt. Major Mao were too prone to barge right in on him unannounced.

Just as the light had unexpectedly filled the room, a small chorus of thoughts entered Sousuke's mind unannounced. He cringed like a scolded child when these newer thoughts cut through the morass of anger and self-pity and placed themselves firmly on center stage.

He thought back to another day he had sat in this very room. He thought about Kaname following him in, finding him wrestling with his feelings. She had been trying to console him, but he drove her away crying. He had been so selfish that he had hurt someone he cared about...and who cared about him.

Sgt. Major Mao...Sgt. Weber...Sgt. Conrad...Sgt. Xiao...none of them were trying to cause him pain or grief. On the contrary, they treated him like a member of a fraternity, not an outsider. He had been so busy trying to avoid the present and hold off the future that he had run from the very things that had mattered to him in the past.

The cinema in his head had another reel loaded, and without his being consulted, the film began. Sousuke thought back to Afghanistan, the images stark in his mind. Names and images passed by---Gray. Jackson. Bill. Andy. Majesto. Followed by each and every squad member from earlier days. In his mind they saluted him. Then he saw them dead. The reel was changed, and his thoughts turned to a small American island base. He saw Sgt. Major Mao as she went in...and he saw how she had come out.

He thought back to Lt. Cmdr Kalinin's discussion with him. His commander had shared more words with him that afternoon than he had shared with him over the prior six months total. Sousuke had hoarded those words like a squirrel preparing for winter...and it was time now to make use of some of those provisions. Lt. Cmdr. Kalinin had talked about finding ones own path, without simply going it alone. He had talked about realizing potential. In essence, he had talked about growing up. Sousuke agreed. It was time to grow up.

After a more soothing period of self-affirmation, Sousuke stood up and headed back out into the hallway, his eyes taking in every facet of each thing he passed. He had a destination. He had something he wanted to do.

***********************************************************

While the hangar was not deserted, it almost seemed that way to Sousuke: only a few small clusters of people were present amidst the expanse of that huge room. As no fixed wing or rotary aircraft were part of the mission, those weapons platforms stood lonely, unattended. Sousuke was struck by the degree of quiet: things seemed so peaceful on the brink of such potential turmoil.

Sousuke headed over to the area where he would find his fellow pilots. He came upon Sgt. Conrad and Sgt. Xiao first. They exchanged pleasantries together and he wished them luck.

He did not see Sgt. Major Mao...she must be conferring with Lt. Concepcion or one of her aides.

He saw Sgt. Weber and headed over to speak with him. His fellow pilot was wearing brown contact lenses, and his hair and complection were...different. His once flowing locks were cropped short, and his hair and skin were considerably darker. Sousuke did not think much of the appearence, but kept his opinion to himself.

"Ha hahhh...Sousuke my boy, I knnneeewww you wouldn't let me down! How's it hangin,' stud?!" He slapped Sousuke on the back, grabbed him by the arm, and started to pull him over towards the M9 Sousuke had prepped for him. "Got something for you man!" Kurz said. "Something reeeaaalll special. Some day you will thank me Sousuke!"

Kurz walked over to an equipment cart and walked back carrying a wrapped package. "For you my friend!" he said, handing the package to Sousuke.

"Thank you. But it is not my birthday. And I am not aware that today is a holiday." Sousuke said, confused.

"Open it...open it...I just wanted to leave you something to serve as your guide when Melissa and I are away. SOMEBODY has to look after our favorite heartthrob, right?"

Melissa walked in and walked up to join Sousuke and Kurz.

"Hey sis, looks like I won our bet. The prodigal sergeant DID come to see his best buds off, just like I said he would." Kurz stepped back and took a bow. "Now, what should I claim as my prize? Oh, I know!" He walked close to Melissa and said "How about a big kiss for good luck?!"

When Melissa said nothing that would be repeatable in good company, he tried again "How about a grope because I'm just so clever and so handsome?!" Again no luck.

"Ahhh...I know what you're holding out for, babe...how about we head back to your cabin and look for that beast with two backs...just to shut me up?!!" That earned him a painful stomp on the foot.

Melissa eyed Kurz up and down, taking note of his new look. She laughed. "Why should I settle for something the cat would drag in and the dog would refuse to eat?!!"

She noticed Sousuke was holding a package. "What's that, Sousuke?"

"A present from Sgt. Weber" Sousuke replied.

"Are you going to open it, or take it to be X-rayed first?" Melissa said, laughing.

"I will open it. I shouldn't disappoint Sgt. Weber" Sousuke said.

"That could be a very big mistake, Sousuke, but it's your funeral." Melissa took a few steps back dramatically. Kurz had a huge grin.

Sousuke opened the package and took out a manilla folder...a manilla folder that had been turned into a book by the addition of multiple pages of medium weight white Mithril stationery and a large number of staples. He turned the 'book' over to read its title: 50 Best Uses For A Condom.

Sousuke blushed.

Melissa shook her head and grimaced.

Kurz beamed. 'Condom' had to be one of Sousuke's FAVORITE words!!!

When Sousuke hadn't moved for a few moments, Kurz said "Come on Sousuke...don't spoil the moment...open it up."

Sousuke looked to Melissa who just shrugged her shoulders. He looked at Kurz who smiled and nodded his head. Kurz then got down on one knee, took Sousuke's hand, and said "P-p-pleeeaaassseee Sousuke."

Sousuke opened the book, fully expecting to see 50 descriptions of various activities, mostly sexual in nature. Instead, he saw a list of names. Alphabetized names. Alphabetized woman's names.

Kurz said "Check under 'K,' Sousuke." When Sousuke did as he was instructed, he saw a number of names starting with 'K.' In the center of that page he saw the name 'Kaname,' capitalized and circled with a thick red mark. "You can check under 'T' later," Kurz continued, handing Sousuke a black marking pen.

"What is this for?" Sousuke asked.

"Ohhh...that's for when you look under 'M'...I forgot to circle 'Melissa..."

Kurz' triumph was short-lived.

"Ha ha ha, very funny" Melissa huffed. "I have a present for YOU!"

"It's called..." Melissa said.

****OOOOF**** from Kurz, punched hard in the gut.

"...50 Uses..." Melissa again.

****EEEEE****Kurz took a solid blow to the groin.

"...For..." Melissa's face was a sight to behold.

****UUUUH****Kurz' knee buckled.

"...Perscription Painkillers!!!" Melissa finished with a flurry.

***YEEEE****OWWW****UHHH****CHHH****Kurz had definitely seen better days.

Sousuke looked on patiently. He knew they'd be done soon. Instead of being shocked or disasppointed with their actions, he grinned. He even smiled when Melissa was chasing Kurz with the marker, saying the Medical Officer had instructed her to give Kurz a suppository.

When Kurz and Melissa had returned, a bit winded from their imitation of the Roadrunner and the Coyote, Sousuke marveled at the fact that he, Kurz, and Melissa had been acting the way they had with such a momentous day unfolding around them. He felt no need to feel contrite or ashamed...he was with friends.

***********************************************************

After he had said his farewells to his comrades, Sousuke walked over to stare up at his ARX-7. He didn't waste his time counting his regrets. He didn't take the time to wonder how he might have done things differently.
Instead, he looked at the sleek and sturdy Arm Slave and thought how they almost shared a kinship. Arbalest was relatively young, as was he. The ARX-7 had growing pains, just as he had. The Arm Slave had tremedous potential, and so did he.

Arbalest's day would come. So would Sousuke's.

Hearing footsteps behind him, Sousuke turned to see chief mechanic Robert "Bobbo" Taylor.

"Hey, Sonny, what's up with you?" Bobbo asked. To the chief mechanic, every man on board was 'Sonny,' with the lone exception of Lt. Cmdr. Kalinin, who was 'Son.'

Sousuke looked at the rotund mechanic, seeing his scraggly beard, oft-broken nose, and oversized biceps and thighs. The chief mechanic wore shorts and a t-shirt exclusively, always sporting the same grease stains and rips. It was best to stand upwind from him. Despite all that, Sousuke had the greatest respect for him: he was one of the rare breed of men who seemed able to fix any problem in existence with any tool at hand and with any supplies available. At times, to Sosuske, it seemed the success of Mithril's missions revolved around this unlikely man.

"I am here thinking, Chief."

"Do tell! Why? I certainly don't have no use for THAT...got enough bad habits already" Bobbo said, spitting. "What are you thinkin' ABOUT? Is it about your havin' to stay in the corral when them other horses get to run free?"

"Yes, Chief...I suppose that is part of it" Sousuke admitted.

"Well, I can tell you we all been there before. Hell yeh. But like my pappy used to tell me...If you don't see the bottom sometimes, it don't mean as much when you're on top!" Bobbo started. "Heh heh...I used to say that to one of my missus too!"

"I see" Sousuke said.

"And I'll tell you somethin' else, too. We grease-slappers don't say too much, and we don't give two shakes for too many people...but we sure like you, Sonny" Bobbo said.

"Me? Why?" Sousuke asked, curious.

"'Cause even though you look just like a lamb, you do a ram's job, and do it fine! Those of us in the pits like to get the job DONE. And that's what you do, Sonny, you get the job DONE. Hell, I got so many daughters, I wish even just one would catch a man like you."

"Thank you, Chief." Sousuke said, humbled.

"Don't do that! If you ever see me lookin' for for Thanks, I want you to kick me square in my breeches!!! Hard as you can!!! I don't say words for Thanks, Sonny...I say words 'cause they're true." Bobbo spat again. "Now, I got a question for you."

"Chief?"

"How's that pretty little somethin' you brought round here before? You two a match? If not, just let me know, 'cause I might just want to come callin'" Bobbo laughed loudly.

"Uh--" Sousuke started.

"Somethin' crawl in your mouth and eat your tongue, Sonny?" Bobby asked.

"We--" Sousuke tried again.

"Are you tellin' me you're havin' trouble with the ladies, Sonny?" Bobbo interest showed.

"I--" Sousuke searched for the right words.

"Well, do tell. That's all right. You came to the right place. I've had so many wives, and got so many girl children, that there probably ain't a man who knows more about the ladies than me." Bobbo sounded confident to Sousuke, not arrogant.

Sousuke looked at the chief mechanic skeptically, taking in his appearence. Then again, if a man who looked like that had good fortune, perhaps he knew something after all.

But, if he had been through so many wives....

"So, what's the rub, Sonny? What do you need to know?" Bobbo asked paternally.

"Chief...I don't know...I don't know enough to know what to ask." Sousuke said.

"I hear you. You might be the luckiest son of a bitch I ever heard of then, Sonny. Too many people think they know so much, but don't know squat. Too many think they know all they want to know, and don't have use for nothin' new" Bobbo said, pulling at his beard.

"Chief?"

"You got growin' to do, Sonny. That ain't no shame, if you try to grow right! Some people try to be what they think they should be, instead of what they are. Some try to grow before they meet the ladies, so they can be just the catch they think them gals want. Maybe it's better to grow with a lady and find out what you both want." Bobbo looked very serious as he spoke.

"That makes sense, Chief" Sosuske said sincerely.

"Damn right, Sonny. I got to fix you straight before I bring my daughters by, right?!! Bobbo guffawed.

"Uh--"

"That's all right, Sonny. Don't worry yourself none on that account, I'll sell'em all off sooner or later."

"It is not a problem."

"You can say that again! I got to get back to whackin' on some of them big toys, again. But I will tell you somethin' you ought to know before I do. Are your ears on tight?" Bobbo asked

"Yes, Chief. Damn tight." Sousuke said.

"Heh heh, good for you Sonny!!! Listen up then." Bobbo shared his truths with Sousuke.

"First, Sonny, don't spend your time thinkin,' spend your time doin.' If you like it, it's good for you. If she don't like it, find someone else."

"Second," the chief mechanic said, thinking as he went, "If you try too hard, you might chase away your gal...but if you don't try hard enough, you might just give her to another guy. You gotta find out how fast you can go, and see if it's fast enough for her."

"Third," Bobbo said after spitting, "You gotta be able to talk what's true, and you gotta be able to hear what's true. And, you can't say anythin' if you don't talk...can't see anythin' if you don't bother lookin.'"

The chief mechanic scratched him self vigorously, trying to remember something he had heard about Sousuke. "You like to fish, Sonny?"

"Very much, chief!"

"Alright then. I'll say it this way. A hook don't do much good without bait. And a fish ain't gonna jump up on the shore. You can't always tell how big the fish is by the pull of the line. And some times you don't know you have the biggest fish in the pond until you throw it back, and get nothin' but bait fish after that."

"I see"

"You gonna remember this, Sonny...or you want me to write it down?" Bobbo asked, smiling.

"I will remember, Chief. Thank you."

"Didn't I tell you not to thank me, Sonny? Hope you can remember better than that!" The chief mechanic headed off.

************************************************************

Sousuke couldn't help but smile. The Chief Mechanic was quite a different kind of person. And, he admitted to himself, his words made sense. Sousuke knew it would take time to see if they rang true.

Heading back out of the hangar, Sousuke saw Melissa, Kurz, and Captain Testarossa standing together near Melissa's M9, which was just then heading towards missile encapsulation. Captain Testarossa signalled to him, and he walked over to her.

"Good morning, Sousuke," Tessa said. "We were just talking about you?"

"Captain?" Sousuke said, with a guarded look.

"It was nothing bad, Sousuke" Tessa replied, interpreting the look correctly.

"I see."

"Ohhh yehhh...it wasn't bad" Kurz chimed in, "it was something reeeaaalllyyy good, Sousuke my boy. I can't wait to see you blush! Heh heh."

"Sergeant Weber!" Tessa said, "Stop teasing Sgt. Sagara"

"Sure, Captain babe, that's your job...." Kurz said under his breath, earning an elbow from Melissa, the only one who could hear the words.

Tessa looked towards Melissa, who raised an eyebrow slightly.

Tessa nodded ever so slightly, and Melissa gave Kurz another elbow for good measure.

"I had asked Sgt. Major Mao and Sgt. Weber how you were handling your involuntary withdrawal from the mission. They both spoke very highly of your actions" Tessa said.

"See! See! Isn't that something good?" Kurz asked. He eyed Melissa's midsection expectantly, and readied his own elbow. He stopped when--without looking at him--Melissa somehow knew to say "It would be the absolute last thing you did, Sgt. Weber!!!"

Seeing he wasn't going to have any fun at Melissa's expense, Kurz looked for another likely target. He found two birds to kill with one stone. He retrieved his marking pen and went to stand in front of Tessa. He slowly and deliberately drew a black 'X' on his left cheek."

"What are you doing, Sgt. Weber?" Tessa asked, taking the bait.

"Nothing Captain. I assure you. There is no problem" Kurz said, in good imitation of Sousuke. "I just thought you might want to give me a reeeaaalllyyy big kiss!"

Both Tessa and Sousuke blushed. Melissa started walking towards Kurz.

"Sousuke, I'm your best friend. Protect me!" Kurz said, moving to stand behind his younger companion.

Sousuke stepped aside, giving Melissa a full view of her target. "If you don't, Sousuke...I'll tell Tessa about your 'book!'" Sousuke stepped back in front of Kurz.

Curious, Tessa asked "What book, Sgt. Weber?"

"Sorry Captain, it's a secret: that knowledge is the only thing keeping me alive right now" Kurz said, watching Melissa try to get around a very determined Sousuke.

"I see. Sousuke?" She asked Sousuke sweetly.

"Sorry, Captain. It is my duty to protect Sgt, Weber!"

"Melissa?"

"Give it a rest Tessa!" Melissa said, with a wink only Tessa could see.

"Oh, yes Sgt. Major, you are correct. I must certainly mind my manners!" Tessa said with mock sincerity. Kurz grinned, suspicious as always.

Tessa looked at her watch and said "I must return to the bridge, gentlemen. I wish you the best of luck and the greatest success."

She turned to Sousuke and said "I have been very busy, as you have no doubt suspected. I must apologize for not being able to arrange a time to speak with you. Please stop by my quarters after all launch activity has ceased."

"Yes, Captain."

Tessa walked off towards the command center.

Melissa ran off to catch up with her M9.

Kurz put his hand on Sousuke's should and chuckled, watching while his own M9 started to move.

Sousuke---having need of some advice---went off in search of the chief mechanic. He would bring paper and pencil.

************************************************************

[full_metal_sousuke]

we need more. continue the story