Today, Yesterday and Tomorrow, Chapter 1--Paradise Lost
Posted: Sat Sep 27, 2003 4:34 am
Disclaimer: Full Metal Panic! belongs to Shinji Gatou, a very creative writer in Japan. I am not making any claim to his copyright on his work.
Many thanks to darkbane, my ever loyal beta-reader, for giving me so much of his time and energy to improve my work. Without him, this would chapter would not have reached its fullest potential.
---
Today, Yesterday and Tomorrow
Chapter 1 -- Paradise Lost
By Samantha
The waves crashed against the cliff, throwing white spray into the air. The two teenagers pulled on the fishing rod, the taller boy with his arms wrapped around the girl, the pair laughing. A smile crossed her face as she braced herself against him. “I can’t believe it,” she thought to herself. “He brings me here, to his private sanctuary. Then he shares his thoughts with me, saying that he wants me with him.” Her reverie was interrupted by the tension on her rod suddenly disappearing, and the loss of his arms around her middle. She stumbled several steps back in surprise. The laughter was silenced.
Sensing the fish got away, Sousuke released his hold on Kaname, remembering her reaction early in their acquaintance. One step back, two steps. Then a third. On the fourth step he dispassionately noticed the warmth in his cheeks. A frown crept onto his face as the confusion set in. His thoughts were jumbled together, most of them involving his blue-haired companion. His gray eyes drifted over to her to make sure she was all right, to assure himself she was still there. “Sousuke.” His name drifted on the wind. Her brown eyes bored into his, leaving him with the inexplicable desire to touch her again, to feel another body against his. He sighed, looking at his watch. It was time to return to base, and watch her leave for Tokyo, possibly for the last time.
“Sousuke.” The name hung in the air between them, neither knowing how to continue, neither wanting the moment to end. Dropping to the ground in a fluid movement, she sat, looking up at him. Several heartbeats later, he joined her. She repeated his name again. A rare smile greeted her as his eyes met hers for a second time. The words she wanted to say were stuck in her throat. Instead, she settled for “I like it when you smile.”
“As do I.” She giggled, and a blush covered his face. “I meant when you smile, Chidori.” Her head bobbed in a nod and she scooted closer to him. The blush intensified, increasing his confusion. The confusion he felt around her, and her alone. He idly considered asking Sergeant Major Mao or perhaps Kurtz. Reconsidering, he dropped Kurtz from the list and added Lieutenant Commander Kalinin instead.
“I knew that’s what you meant, Sousuke.” Kaname paused a moment before continuing, “I want you to stay a while, too.” Her voice dropped into a pained whisper, memories of him recently returned from Helmejistan in her mind’s eye, and his assurance in a darkened hallway that he would try not to leave her. “You said you wouldn’t leave. You have to, I know. Your duty dictates that. That does not change the fact…” She stopped in mid sentence, blinking back tears.
Without understanding why, his hand reached for hers. She did not resist, her face flushing, he noticed idly. He covered her hand with his own, squeezing gently. She smiled weakly, making his heart miss a beat. The smile did not stop a tear from making its way down her cheek. He found his other hand brushing it away, confusion and shock warring for control of his face, and hers, too. What was happening to him?
“Sousuke.” She said his name like a charm to herself. “It does not change the fact that you are very important to me. Since you can’t stay, will you come back?” Her voice sounded like a child’s, asking for reassurance.
Memories flooded over him, triggered by her words and tone. The images were none he’s seen in neither nightmare nor dream, nothing he could recall. Did they even happen to him, or were they entirely fictitious? Such thoughts were swept away in a torrent of longing and pain, permanently entwined. The young soldier remembered, with the skewed perceptions of childhood, a man sitting on the dirt floor of a hovel, looking into the eyes of his son. A pretty woman with long black hair, singing as she cooked their meager meal, still vibrant and alive. His younger sister crawling across the floor to a pile of rough wooden blocks he had made for her. They were uneven, and obviously made by someone unskilled, but, more importantly, the toys were made with love. For the first time in ten years, he could hear his father’s voice. The voice was a rumble, not unlike that of a helicopter flying overhead, telling his son that he has to leave for a time. That he’s proud of his son, and knows he’ll take good care of his mother and sister while his father is gone. The young child asking innocently, if he’ll be back soon, to make mama happy. The man nodding and smiling as his son solemnly promises to protect his mother and sister.
Another image superimposed itself over the childish vow, of the man returning, covered in blood, the sound of his mother crying out in pain shortly later as her husband dies in her arms, her hands covered in his blood. Gunfire punctuating the wails, as soldiers burst into the hovel, aiming at the woman. At the loud crack caused by a bullet discharging, his sister waking and crying loudly, the sound suddenly silenced by another crack. Closing his eyes on the present, Sousuke relived the memory to its conclusion, feeling every kick, every punch from the soldiers until they stop, believing him dead. His younger self struggling onto hands and knees, and then to a wobbly standing position. Slowly making his way to the lamps, knocking them to the ground, igniting the few belongings in the shack. He could feel the warmth of the fire dancing along his skin, quickly becoming unbearable. Hobbling out moments before the only home he knew went up in flames, sending his mother and sister to the heavens, all because he could not protect them.
Suddenly seeing Sousuke collapse into a fetal position, crying and shaking. Kaname crawled to his side, worriedly asking “Sousuke? What’s wrong?” What was so horrible to cause this kind of reaction in Sousuke? She did her best to force the fear to the back of her mind. Her arms pulled him into her lap, causing him to shudder violently. This required her to use every bit of strength she could muster to keep him in her arms. “Sousuke? You’re scaring me.” Keeping her grip, she repeated his name over and over like a mantra, barely controlling her fear. She held him tighter as he cried out, almost as if he was in pain. Unable to either wake him or calm him, she felt the tears that were threatening at their impending parting finally begin to flow. His cries became sobs punctuated by undecipherable names. A moment later his eyes began to blink. They were almost all pupil, and seemed unable to focus on anything.
Beginning to make sense of the sights and sounds around him, Sousuke’s eyes focused on Kaname, fear in her eyes and tears sliding down her face to soak into his hair. Unable to bear the sight of her tears he turned his head away. She should not be crying because of him. He heard her telling him gently that she missed her flight back to Tokyo, that she’ll take the next one, or the one after that. She would stay as long as he needed her.
Finally gathering his strength, he disentangled himself from Kaname’s embrace and stood up. “I don’t need her,” he thought to himself. He mused a moment longer, and clarified the thought. “I did not need her in the past. Then I understood the rules of engagement. Since then… she has saved the entire Urtz team several times by being whispered. Now, it seems something is different, and not the fact she is whispered. Ever since I met her, she constantly challenged me, saved my life, and showed loyalty I never dreamed of. Could that be why I want to stay here with her and forget duty for a time? Why does the thought that she would remain here for my sake make me feel this way?” He could not find a word to describe it in his limited vocabulary. “Is this what happiness feels like?” He opened his eyes and kneeled down next to her, and tried to smile. “Chidori?” Her eyes shifted to his face, searching for something. “Thank you.”
Shakily she replied, “You’re welcome, though you don’t have to thank me. It’s nothing a friend wouldn’t do for a friend.” Friend? He knew he was friends with his teammates, and the captain seemed to think she was his friend, but now Chidori? It did not feel the same with her…they had shared so much, brought each other back from the edge of death, several times. But hasn’t he done that with the sergeant major and Kurtz? He remembered a rain-drenched forest, Chidori facing him down when he told her to escape, that he and Kurtz would distract the enemy with their lives. She trusted him? She wanted to leave with him? It had gone against everything he ever imagined about civilians. Hearing her voice later telling him what to do was comforting, in a way. He knew what to do when given orders. Now he was lost, utterly lost.
Kaname looked up at him and felt pained by the confused expression on his face. “Sousuke, is something wrong?” What a stupid question. Something happened to the near fearless mercenary to make him collapse and cry out as he had. Something was obviously wrong. He looked dumbstruck, as if no one had ever asked him that question before. She patted the ground next to her. “Do you want to talk about it?” He nodded and settled next to her.
His gray eyes met hers nervously. “Chidori, I’m your friend?” She nodded. “Why?”
“Because I want to be. Even when I have done the unforgivable, you take the blame to spare me the guilt.” A smile graced her features. “You may be the most exasperating man on this planet, at least after Kurtz, but you’re a good one. How many others are willing to offer up their life for mine?” She gave him her best class rep look. “Don’t you dare say it was orders. Maybe it was at first, but I know it’s not anymore.” By the expression on his face, he was about to say just that. She looked at him sadly. “You don’t even understand any of this, do you?” Seeing his answer reflected in his eyes, she cursed. “Damn them, for robbing you of what matters. It’s a miracle you turned out the way you did.”
“It is?”
She frowned as she realized she was just adding to his confusion. “Suffice it to say I want you in my life. I’ll just have to keep up appearances to the contrary for Kyouko, though.” She winked and was answered by an uncertain smile, like he was making an attempt to understand the joke, but failing. “Is there anything else you want to talk about?”
He shook his head and retreated into his emotionless shell out of necessity. A mask dropped in front of his face, his eyes going dead again. His duty was to protect her, and how could he do that when these thoughts had him distracted? First, images of what he guessed to be his childhood, and then the swirling maelstrom of confusion centered on Chidori. So he retreated to the only way he knew to properly discharge his duties, which was to suppress everything outside the purview of the mission. As if to remedy the lapse in attention, he peered into the trees, half expecting an enemy AS to appear, with a maniacal voice from his past calling him by the hated name Kashim. But Gauron was dead; he had seen the explosion as the Venom self-destructed. He rose to a standing position and politely offered her his hand to Kaname. Matter of factly, he said, “Chidori, we should return to base so you can leave for Tokyo at the earliest opportunity.”
Kaname looked at him and the emptiness in his eyes with a sinking feeling. He was turning back into the Sagara she first met, minus being her overreacting shadow. She took his hand and nodded. Grasping for an excuse that he would accept for her to remain here for a while longer, she demurred. “Maybe not as soon as that. I still need to say my good-byes to Melissa and Kurtz.” Actually, talking to Melissa would probably be a good idea. As both Sousuke’s friend and superior officer, didn’t she need to know what had happened? Also, she knew Melissa would keep the confidence, while she was unsure about Kurtz.
The pair walked back to the base, immersed in their own thoughts. Sousuke seemed to be expecting kidnappers behind every bush, and acting accordingly, worrying Kaname even more. Maybe he was becoming her overreacting shadow again. She sighed and not even the bright sunlight could cheer her up a little.
Many thanks to darkbane, my ever loyal beta-reader, for giving me so much of his time and energy to improve my work. Without him, this would chapter would not have reached its fullest potential.
---
Today, Yesterday and Tomorrow
Chapter 1 -- Paradise Lost
By Samantha
The waves crashed against the cliff, throwing white spray into the air. The two teenagers pulled on the fishing rod, the taller boy with his arms wrapped around the girl, the pair laughing. A smile crossed her face as she braced herself against him. “I can’t believe it,” she thought to herself. “He brings me here, to his private sanctuary. Then he shares his thoughts with me, saying that he wants me with him.” Her reverie was interrupted by the tension on her rod suddenly disappearing, and the loss of his arms around her middle. She stumbled several steps back in surprise. The laughter was silenced.
Sensing the fish got away, Sousuke released his hold on Kaname, remembering her reaction early in their acquaintance. One step back, two steps. Then a third. On the fourth step he dispassionately noticed the warmth in his cheeks. A frown crept onto his face as the confusion set in. His thoughts were jumbled together, most of them involving his blue-haired companion. His gray eyes drifted over to her to make sure she was all right, to assure himself she was still there. “Sousuke.” His name drifted on the wind. Her brown eyes bored into his, leaving him with the inexplicable desire to touch her again, to feel another body against his. He sighed, looking at his watch. It was time to return to base, and watch her leave for Tokyo, possibly for the last time.
“Sousuke.” The name hung in the air between them, neither knowing how to continue, neither wanting the moment to end. Dropping to the ground in a fluid movement, she sat, looking up at him. Several heartbeats later, he joined her. She repeated his name again. A rare smile greeted her as his eyes met hers for a second time. The words she wanted to say were stuck in her throat. Instead, she settled for “I like it when you smile.”
“As do I.” She giggled, and a blush covered his face. “I meant when you smile, Chidori.” Her head bobbed in a nod and she scooted closer to him. The blush intensified, increasing his confusion. The confusion he felt around her, and her alone. He idly considered asking Sergeant Major Mao or perhaps Kurtz. Reconsidering, he dropped Kurtz from the list and added Lieutenant Commander Kalinin instead.
“I knew that’s what you meant, Sousuke.” Kaname paused a moment before continuing, “I want you to stay a while, too.” Her voice dropped into a pained whisper, memories of him recently returned from Helmejistan in her mind’s eye, and his assurance in a darkened hallway that he would try not to leave her. “You said you wouldn’t leave. You have to, I know. Your duty dictates that. That does not change the fact…” She stopped in mid sentence, blinking back tears.
Without understanding why, his hand reached for hers. She did not resist, her face flushing, he noticed idly. He covered her hand with his own, squeezing gently. She smiled weakly, making his heart miss a beat. The smile did not stop a tear from making its way down her cheek. He found his other hand brushing it away, confusion and shock warring for control of his face, and hers, too. What was happening to him?
“Sousuke.” She said his name like a charm to herself. “It does not change the fact that you are very important to me. Since you can’t stay, will you come back?” Her voice sounded like a child’s, asking for reassurance.
Memories flooded over him, triggered by her words and tone. The images were none he’s seen in neither nightmare nor dream, nothing he could recall. Did they even happen to him, or were they entirely fictitious? Such thoughts were swept away in a torrent of longing and pain, permanently entwined. The young soldier remembered, with the skewed perceptions of childhood, a man sitting on the dirt floor of a hovel, looking into the eyes of his son. A pretty woman with long black hair, singing as she cooked their meager meal, still vibrant and alive. His younger sister crawling across the floor to a pile of rough wooden blocks he had made for her. They were uneven, and obviously made by someone unskilled, but, more importantly, the toys were made with love. For the first time in ten years, he could hear his father’s voice. The voice was a rumble, not unlike that of a helicopter flying overhead, telling his son that he has to leave for a time. That he’s proud of his son, and knows he’ll take good care of his mother and sister while his father is gone. The young child asking innocently, if he’ll be back soon, to make mama happy. The man nodding and smiling as his son solemnly promises to protect his mother and sister.
Another image superimposed itself over the childish vow, of the man returning, covered in blood, the sound of his mother crying out in pain shortly later as her husband dies in her arms, her hands covered in his blood. Gunfire punctuating the wails, as soldiers burst into the hovel, aiming at the woman. At the loud crack caused by a bullet discharging, his sister waking and crying loudly, the sound suddenly silenced by another crack. Closing his eyes on the present, Sousuke relived the memory to its conclusion, feeling every kick, every punch from the soldiers until they stop, believing him dead. His younger self struggling onto hands and knees, and then to a wobbly standing position. Slowly making his way to the lamps, knocking them to the ground, igniting the few belongings in the shack. He could feel the warmth of the fire dancing along his skin, quickly becoming unbearable. Hobbling out moments before the only home he knew went up in flames, sending his mother and sister to the heavens, all because he could not protect them.
Suddenly seeing Sousuke collapse into a fetal position, crying and shaking. Kaname crawled to his side, worriedly asking “Sousuke? What’s wrong?” What was so horrible to cause this kind of reaction in Sousuke? She did her best to force the fear to the back of her mind. Her arms pulled him into her lap, causing him to shudder violently. This required her to use every bit of strength she could muster to keep him in her arms. “Sousuke? You’re scaring me.” Keeping her grip, she repeated his name over and over like a mantra, barely controlling her fear. She held him tighter as he cried out, almost as if he was in pain. Unable to either wake him or calm him, she felt the tears that were threatening at their impending parting finally begin to flow. His cries became sobs punctuated by undecipherable names. A moment later his eyes began to blink. They were almost all pupil, and seemed unable to focus on anything.
Beginning to make sense of the sights and sounds around him, Sousuke’s eyes focused on Kaname, fear in her eyes and tears sliding down her face to soak into his hair. Unable to bear the sight of her tears he turned his head away. She should not be crying because of him. He heard her telling him gently that she missed her flight back to Tokyo, that she’ll take the next one, or the one after that. She would stay as long as he needed her.
Finally gathering his strength, he disentangled himself from Kaname’s embrace and stood up. “I don’t need her,” he thought to himself. He mused a moment longer, and clarified the thought. “I did not need her in the past. Then I understood the rules of engagement. Since then… she has saved the entire Urtz team several times by being whispered. Now, it seems something is different, and not the fact she is whispered. Ever since I met her, she constantly challenged me, saved my life, and showed loyalty I never dreamed of. Could that be why I want to stay here with her and forget duty for a time? Why does the thought that she would remain here for my sake make me feel this way?” He could not find a word to describe it in his limited vocabulary. “Is this what happiness feels like?” He opened his eyes and kneeled down next to her, and tried to smile. “Chidori?” Her eyes shifted to his face, searching for something. “Thank you.”
Shakily she replied, “You’re welcome, though you don’t have to thank me. It’s nothing a friend wouldn’t do for a friend.” Friend? He knew he was friends with his teammates, and the captain seemed to think she was his friend, but now Chidori? It did not feel the same with her…they had shared so much, brought each other back from the edge of death, several times. But hasn’t he done that with the sergeant major and Kurtz? He remembered a rain-drenched forest, Chidori facing him down when he told her to escape, that he and Kurtz would distract the enemy with their lives. She trusted him? She wanted to leave with him? It had gone against everything he ever imagined about civilians. Hearing her voice later telling him what to do was comforting, in a way. He knew what to do when given orders. Now he was lost, utterly lost.
Kaname looked up at him and felt pained by the confused expression on his face. “Sousuke, is something wrong?” What a stupid question. Something happened to the near fearless mercenary to make him collapse and cry out as he had. Something was obviously wrong. He looked dumbstruck, as if no one had ever asked him that question before. She patted the ground next to her. “Do you want to talk about it?” He nodded and settled next to her.
His gray eyes met hers nervously. “Chidori, I’m your friend?” She nodded. “Why?”
“Because I want to be. Even when I have done the unforgivable, you take the blame to spare me the guilt.” A smile graced her features. “You may be the most exasperating man on this planet, at least after Kurtz, but you’re a good one. How many others are willing to offer up their life for mine?” She gave him her best class rep look. “Don’t you dare say it was orders. Maybe it was at first, but I know it’s not anymore.” By the expression on his face, he was about to say just that. She looked at him sadly. “You don’t even understand any of this, do you?” Seeing his answer reflected in his eyes, she cursed. “Damn them, for robbing you of what matters. It’s a miracle you turned out the way you did.”
“It is?”
She frowned as she realized she was just adding to his confusion. “Suffice it to say I want you in my life. I’ll just have to keep up appearances to the contrary for Kyouko, though.” She winked and was answered by an uncertain smile, like he was making an attempt to understand the joke, but failing. “Is there anything else you want to talk about?”
He shook his head and retreated into his emotionless shell out of necessity. A mask dropped in front of his face, his eyes going dead again. His duty was to protect her, and how could he do that when these thoughts had him distracted? First, images of what he guessed to be his childhood, and then the swirling maelstrom of confusion centered on Chidori. So he retreated to the only way he knew to properly discharge his duties, which was to suppress everything outside the purview of the mission. As if to remedy the lapse in attention, he peered into the trees, half expecting an enemy AS to appear, with a maniacal voice from his past calling him by the hated name Kashim. But Gauron was dead; he had seen the explosion as the Venom self-destructed. He rose to a standing position and politely offered her his hand to Kaname. Matter of factly, he said, “Chidori, we should return to base so you can leave for Tokyo at the earliest opportunity.”
Kaname looked at him and the emptiness in his eyes with a sinking feeling. He was turning back into the Sagara she first met, minus being her overreacting shadow. She took his hand and nodded. Grasping for an excuse that he would accept for her to remain here for a while longer, she demurred. “Maybe not as soon as that. I still need to say my good-byes to Melissa and Kurtz.” Actually, talking to Melissa would probably be a good idea. As both Sousuke’s friend and superior officer, didn’t she need to know what had happened? Also, she knew Melissa would keep the confidence, while she was unsure about Kurtz.
The pair walked back to the base, immersed in their own thoughts. Sousuke seemed to be expecting kidnappers behind every bush, and acting accordingly, worrying Kaname even more. Maybe he was becoming her overreacting shadow again. She sighed and not even the bright sunlight could cheer her up a little.
