[FIC] Explanations, part 8 {Chapter 15}
Posted: Mon Sep 29, 2003 5:58 pm
Captain Teletha Testarossa sat quietly at her desk, glad to have been able to step away from the bridge of the TDD-1 for a while. But she would not be able to find full respite from her duties and responsibilities. A number of reports from Mithril's Intel division stared at her eagerly from her in-box. An open joint manifesto from the Financial and Supply divisions was open on the desktop, and her computer screen displayed summaries of her recent CT scan, PET scan, and Synaptic Challenge tests.
She sighed. She took a sip of exotic Burmese tea, brewed from tea leaves sent to her by a grateful British Parliment member who served as a Mithril operative.
The alarm went off on her watch, pulsing slowly but demandingly. She shut off the alarm, and reached for a bottle of medication in her top drawer. She had been suffering intermittent headaches, and occasional brief plunges into the Whispered state, both accompanied by transient tinnitus and photophobia. All of her senses, while generally normal, were prone to fade to nothing or become hyperacute without antecedent prodromes. Her previous contribution to the conflict with the Pakastani cabal had not been without its risks...and was not without its consequences.
She closed the manifesto and placed it in her out-box. The mission had struck the Mithril coffers, which were already at a finacial trough following a spate of small and large missions over a brief stretch of time. While small supplies were adequate verging on bountiful, there was a significant ordinance and heavy equipment deficit. Three M9s were gone, a costly but necessary expenditure. Four cruise missiles had been fired...also expensive, and also necessary. Fortunately, a resupply ship should meet them before too long.
Funds would flow back into Mithril...that was not the issue. It would take time. Resupply would exhaust the remaining reserve Arm Slaves, and come close to leaving the cupboard bare of cruise missiles. Manufacture and acquisition of new stock would also take time.
Tessa looked at one memo paper-clipped to an accounting form, smiling a brief smile. "Well, that's mighty big of them. Perhaps I should send THEM some tea," she chuckled. It appeared that her American contacts were willing to eat the cost of multiple drones, and were inclined to write off the cost of fuel and maintenance work for their experimental reconnaissance high altitude vehicle. They would not be sending Mithril a bill, and would not deduct the costs from the next covert aid package!
"Oh brother!" she said, opening the missives from Intel. This was heavy-duty stuff, and she didn't feel up to it yet. The paperwork contained early theorizing about the motives and methods of the unknown force that had manipulated the cabal, and Intel had need of her input regarding prioritization of resources available for prompt and necessary research into the matter. She briefly skimmed some of the suppositions. Was the purpose of the attack to draw Mithril into a trap, or was that simply a lagnape? Was one of the goals of the plot the testing of the resources and resolve of Mithril, a fellow covert organization with access to Black Technology? Was one of the goals of that phantom organization the triggering of significant expenditure of Mithril resources, causing a diminuation of Mithril's current effectiveness? Etc. etc. ad nauseum.
Her use of the word "brother" prompted Tessa to think about her older sibling for a moment. They had always been an odd lttle family group, spinning closer together at one moment, and then rocketing in diametrically opposed directions shortly thereafter. Tessa loved her brother, and at times missed him. She was jealous of his greater mental talent and excellent athletic abilities, but knew that he lacked her constancy and stability. Suspicion and significant concerns were another ingredient to the blend, and she wondered where he was and what he was doing. And, strangely enough, two of the few scant things she remembered from her recent Whispered endeavor were a quick sound and a brief odor she now realized reminded her of her brother.
A firm knock sounded on her door. "Please come in," she said.
Sgt. Sousuke Sagara walked into her quarters to announce "I am here as requested, Madame Captain."
Two emotions vied for Tessa's attention. She was glad to see Sousuke, and had been looking forward to talking with him. She was also disappointed that he had not resumed his temporary use of "Tessa," something that had meant a great deal to her at recent moments of physical exhaustion and mental vulnerability.
She thought back to the note she had written to him on the wall of the chamber room. She remembered smearing the words I THINK I LOVE YOU in that message, rendering them unreadable. She remebered Sousuke's message, and how it had buoyed her at a time should could have drowned in the confusion following her risky effort.
"Sousuke...if I remember correctly, it was 'Tessa' not too long ago. And for someone as adherent to tradition as you are, the number of times you said 'Tessa' should require that designation to be standard operating protocol now" she said in an amiable and slightly yearning manner.
"Uh...Captain?"
"Tessa, Sousuke. T...E...S...S...A" she said, thinking that he should be thankful that she were not trying to train him to say 'Tessa, dear' or 'Tessa, my love.'
"My spelling is judged very good academically, Captain." Sousuke said, knowing full well the point Tessa was trying to make.
"Yes, I KNOW that Sousuke...it's Japanese History you are having the most trouble with...and Algebra." Tessa made no mention of Sousuke's tutoring in History, having no desire to hear HER name right now. But, she had unconsciously added mention of 'Algebra,' no doubt as a result of her desire to discuss specific matters that had passed between herself and Sousuke...and between Sousuke and HER.
Sousuke wince slightly. "Captain...Tessa...I need to say something first, before we go further in our coversation."
"Yes?" Tessa replied, experiencing an odd mixture of anticipation, dread, and curiosity.
"Recent events have forced me to think a lot. More than I normally would. About things I usually do not...or did not...think about. I had plenty of thinking to do on the way to this mission. I thought much before the mission. And there is much on my mind now after the mission." Sousuke said, barely animated, but still more expressive than Tessa recalled from days past.
"Yes, I suspected as much. That is one of the reasons you are here today." Tessa said.
"If I may continue Captain, I would like to make a specific point up front, as it would appear to have great relevance to the manner of our conversation." Sousuke said.
"Please do."
"I realize I can be very rigid in my behavior...a 'moody military maniac' as Miss Chidori puts it." Tessa frowned at that name...but at least it had not been 'Kaname.' Sousuke continuing, saying "And I know that I do not respond in a fashion that would ultimately please many of the people I most depend on, and who matter most to me. Yourself. Sgt. Major Mao. Sgt. Weber. Lt. Cmdr. Kalinin. Miss Chidori." She watched his expressions: respect, and perhaps friendship for Tessa. Great concern for his missing teammates. Respect and admiration for the Lt. Cmdr. A confused mix of feelings for HER.
"Captain, growth is slow. And it is not easy. I do not know what will come of it, and if it will last. I am still confused, and have things to learn." Sousuke said.
Softly, Tessa replied "I can see that, Sousuke, and I understand. I have many things to go through too, as I grow...."
"Captain? Yes, I see, I sometimes forget that you are my age."
"I know Sousuke, and I guess that is part of my problem. But we can get to that later. You were discussing your behavior and your growth." Tessa said.
"I will not go into detail. I will say that at times when we are at a place or in a situation where you are a Captain and a commander, and I am a sergeant and a subordinate of yours, I will refer to you as 'Captain.' That is unavoidable. But, because of things I have learned...and because of the great effort you make for us all...I will make an effort to call you and think of you as 'Tessa' in situations other than those I stated." Sousuke looked and sounded earnest. Tessa would have preferred enthusiastic. And knowing Sousuke's adherence to even the smallest things, she had no doubt that he would construe many things to be mission-related.
"Well...I truly appreciate the effort Sousuke, and hope we can find times and places that allow you to call me Tessa." She sighed at first, but then smiled brightly and perked up her mood. A small victory WAS a victory after all. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. "Then, I suppose hugs are also subject to the same restrictions?" she added mischieveously.
"Hugs, Captain?!" Sousuke asked, eyes widening.
"Yes, Sousuke...you know, wrapping your arms around someone whose body is close to yours." Tessa was building up steam.
"Uh--...I know what a hug is, but...."
"Sousuke, it takes a lot to get a hug from you. A terrible mutiny and deadly plot by traitors and a crazed enemy. A threat against world stability requiring my risky overuse of Whispered abilities. Your pulling me down on top of you on a sunny beach, delaying my training in Arm Slave piloting" Tessa said, her latter claim a blatant reshaping of past events. "But wait...Sousuke...all those times were related to duty and to Mithril! If you can be so bold as to hug me at those times, why can you not call me by my name?"
"Captain!"
"But, I suspect I will accept that duality. As long as you will continue to hug me in some circumstances, I will accept your calling me 'Captain' in all other instances. How's that, do we have a deal?" Tessa said very sweetly, very deliberately batting her eyes until she was certain that Sousuke had taken notice.
"Uh--"
"Sousuke?" Tessa asked with a grin.
"Uh--"
"Well, as Captain, I will use my authority to take that as a 'yes!'" Tessa laughed.
"CAPTAIN!"
"Relax, Sousuke. Relax. I am simply joking with you." Tessa said, still laughing.
"I must say, Captain, that your jokes can be very...disconcerting."
"I suppose that's true. And that reminds me of one of the major reasons I wanted to talk to you Sousuke. About my fax. About my reactions." Tessa said, her mood sobering some.
"Yes, Captain. I have been so caught up in thought, and you have been so busy. I had wanted to explain the situation to you so...." Sousuke paused, uncomfortable in expressing To Tessa his desire to remain as Kaname's bodyguard.
"I understand, Sousuke. Regarding both your past actions and your likely preference in choice of missions." Tessa said.
"Captain?"
"Sgt. Weber came and spoke to me after you both arrived on board. I had not realized that he could be so serious for so long. He detailed everything you said to him, and he gave me his estimation of your wishes." Tessa said, not entirely happy with the truth and its implications.
"I see. He was serious. And you accept the reasons for my action?" Sousuke asked.
"Yes, Sousuke, I do. I must say, however, that I still hold reservations about your level of interaction with Miss Chidori." Tessa steeled herself, knowing what she had chosen to do here today. "She is your charge, Sgt. Sagara, someone whose care has been placed for the most part in your two hands. You must understand that there are risks that come with different levels of emotional attachment. Risks to you charge, regarding her safety. And regarding her emotions. Risks regarding your effectiveness as an operative. And regarding your emotions. I still see you as the best option in this situation, and...." she paused.
"Captain?" Sousuke asked, after the pause had grown exceedingly long. "Is there something wrong Captain? Are you having an after-effect of your Whispered state?" He sounded deeply concerned.
"Sousuke. This will be hard for me. Please be patient...." Tessa said, a plaintive sound to her voice.
"Certainly, Captain."
"What I am trying to say is that I understand what dilemma you are faced with, because I am faced with a dilemma of similar nature and significance. What I am saying is that I find myself willing to offer you ccertain allowances and freedom of growth, because I want to be able to allow myself the same things." Tears welled in the corner of her eyes. "I...I..."
"Captain" Sousuke started gently and with the utmost respect, "I believe I know what you are trying to say to me. You do not need to go any further if it is difficult for you. I have started learning many things of late, and I know I will not finish growing any time soon. My understanding is incomplete, including my understanding of myself."
"Thank you Sousuke. Truly...thank you. However, I must say this. To put it plainly, I am forced to have reservations regarding my level of attachment to you. I must also consider my effectiveness as your commanding officer and my fairness to you as my subordinate . I must also consider your emotions as well as my own." Tessa somewhat seemed relieved, as if she were Atlas and someone lifted the weight of the world off of her shoulders.
"Tessa," Sousuke said deliberately, "I thank you for your candor and have the utmost respect for the courage it took to say what you did. I must say I admire you greatly." Those words brought tears to Tessa's eyes again. "I must unfortunately add to your uncertainty by saying that I do not know what I may truly end up wanting in life, and I have no idea how long it may take me to find such answers."
"Thank you Sousuke. Uncertainty gives more hope than unfortunate certainties. It seems you and I share much more than common ages."
Tessa went on to speak of her early life, and how it was difficult to be so bright at so young an age. She spoke of the loneliness of the command chair, and how that loneliness was magnified by her age. She also mentioned how her command responsibilities limited both her time and opportunity to grow as a teenager. She said the professional Tessa was not able to make many allowances for the personal Tessa. She envied Sousuke's opportunity to be amongst individuals of his own age.
Sousuke spoke of his youth, telling Tessa what it was like to be forged as a figurative weapon at so young an age. He spoke of the things he had done and the places he had seen. He did not wish to discuss the people he had killed, but seemed eager to share treasured facts about people he had lost. He explained that it was not exactly easy for him to go from one world to another, and described how being in highschool could be very difficult in itself.
Seemingly out of the blue, Tessa asked Sousuke a question when he had finished reminiscing. "Sousuke, have you ever wondered how a trophy might feel? You know, about the things people will do to try and win it? Or why people would want it, given its simple appearence and its total lack of understanding of its own worth?"
Sousuke thought a moment, and then smiled very slightly and very briefly. "I cannot say that I have ever looked at things that way, Captain. But...If I may, I would like to share some things that I have learned recently."
"Certainly, please do" Tessa said.
"It is not a problem to simply be young and inexperienced..."
"There is no value in being falsely certain about one's level of understanding or being unwilling to learn new things..."
"Sometimes it is good for people to learn things on their own and sometimes it is good to grow with someone else..."
"Sometimes doing is much more important than thinking..."
"It can be dangerous too try too hard and it can be hazardous not to try hard enough..."
"It is important to be able to speak the truth and to be able to hear the truth..."
"A hook is useless without bait, and a fish will not likely jump into your pail."
When Souske had finished, Tessa smiled and shook her head in admiration. "That was excellent insight, Sousuke...I wish I had written it all down." For some reason Souske smiled when she said that.
"Uh...I do have a written copy, Captain, and you are most welcome to borrow it."
"I see," Tessa laughed. "Just how and when did you become so wise, Sousuke?"
Sousuke described his conversations with the chief mechanic. "Ahh...I will have to remember to invite him to our next strategy meeting," Tessa joked, "he seems to have such a refreshing view of things."
The buzzer on the room intercom went off and a green light glowed. "Madame Captain, will we still be having an Intelligence update session at 1700 hours?" Lt. Cmdr. Kalinin's voice.
"Yes, Mr. Kalinin, we certainly will." Tessa answered.
"Thank you, Madame Captain." The green light went out.
The brief break in his coversation with Tessa allowed Sousuke to ask a question that was constantly at the tip of his tongue. "Captain...I know it is not my place to know all of the particular details...but can you please tell me if there has been any word of Sgt. Major Mao, Sgt. Weber, or Sgt. Conrad?"
"I am truly sorry, Souske" Tessa said with true concern, "But we have heard nothing good or bad about any of them up to this moment. If I hear anything from tonight's briefing, I promise to let you know promptly."
"Thank you, Captain."
The sound of Lt. Cmdr. Kalinin's voice led Tessa's thoughts in a new direction. "Sousuke, I have not heard from Mr. Kalinin regarding his conversation with you. I would like to hear your recollection of that talk, and would like your personal analysis of the situation. You may certainly omit anything that you feel is too personal to discuss."
"Certainly, Captain!"
Sousuke gave a thourough recollection, and an excellent analysis. But, by reporting things quickly and in talking by rote, he made a significant error. Without going into details, he mentioned that Lt. Cmdr. Kalinin had given him a written assignment to fill out when he got home. And, he had mentioned Kaname's name in connection with it.
"I see. You have an assignment that involves Miss Chidori...." Tessa said, pausing briefly. "As I should be aware of everything that is significant in the performance and evaluation of your mission, I should like very much to see that assignment, Sgt. Sagara. Consider that an order." Tessa's voice brooked no disobedience.
"Uh--"
"Was I unclear in the nature of my demand, sergeant?!" She asked.
"Uh--"
"Do you doubt my authority or see reason to challenge my order?"
"Uh--"
Tessa punched a number into the intercom, but did not activate the device. "Do I need to find this out from Mr. Kalinin...immediately after I inform him of your insubordination?"
"Uh....Uh....Uh-"
Tessa thought of hooks. She thought of bait. "I will give you only one more chance and one more choice. You may bring your assignment to me to review, or you may bring me the 'book' that Sgt. Weber made for you...I would be VERY curious to see why he wanted me to see it!"
"I will retrieve my assignment immediately, Captain." Sousuke said, leaving his chair and heading for the door.
"Thank you, sergeant" is what Tessa said. "I KNEW you would..." was what Tessa was thinking.
Sousuke returned. Tessa was glad she had not had to send MPs out to fetch him back.
Sousuke took a few steps back from the desk after handing the papers to Tessa. "Sousuke, I won't bite" Tessa complained. "There can't be anything in here that...." She had intended to say "....can be that bad."
The expression on Tessa's face was remarkable for its intensity and for the speed of its birth. The look on her face was a concerted attempt on her part to keep her TRUE feelings from showing. "I see..." She said after reading the papers. "A most enlightening exercise."
Compelled to take a risk, rather than lose a potential golden opportunity, Sousuke said "I am certain that Lt. Cmdr. Kalinin would understand if you decided such an assignment was inappropriate, Captain." He waited almost expectantly for her reply.
"No, sergeant, I do not take his experience or his suggestions lightly, and this is not such a crucial issue as to risk humiliating him by countermanding a standing order."
'Not crucial' she had said. Sousuke begged to differ, but had no opportunity to voice his opinion before things went from 'Bad' to 'Worse.'
"And, I see there are two sets of paper here, Sousuke?" Tessa inquired.
"Yes, Lt. Cmdr. Kalinin implied that one set was an emergency back-up, should the first set suffer a canine gastonomical disaster. He also said..I think in jest...that I might consider giving one set of questions for Miss Chidori to fill out." Sousuke explained.
Tessa's face progressed through the spectrum, starting at slight pink and ending at beet red. " I see!" she said. "Well, while I will NOT countermand Mr. Kalinin's order, I WILL modify it slightly." She took out a red pen and began writing on one set of papers.
When she was finished with her task, she handed all of the papers back to a very concerned Sousuke. While he looked to see what the changes were, Tessa said "Oh...I almost forgot. You may show one set to Mr. Kalinin as he requested. You will show BOTH sets to me thereafter. Do you understand?"
"Uh--" Sousuke had little trouble finding the changes. In one set of questions Miss Chidori's name had been crossed out and 'Tessa/Captain Testarossa' was written in its place!!!
Are we back to THAT again, sergeant?!" Tessa asked.
"Uh--"
"I thought you had said you were doing some growing, Sousuke!" Tessa said, displeased by the monotony of Sousuke's responses.
"Uh---"
"I see, it looks as if I may need to talk with Mr. Kalinin after all...." Tessa said. She thought brieftly, grinned wickedly, and continued before Sousuke could repeat his current favorite word.
"....But this may just be the opportunity all of Mithril has been waiting for. As I understand it, sergeant, the medical staff has been looking for someone to speak on an open topic at the upcoming symposium. I have come up with a topic that should be talked about in ALL military forces, just as it should be discussed in ALL highschools. Your coincidental partcipation in both those organizations must be considered an act of providence. In lieu of my request regarding your homework assignment, I will give you the opportunity to speak about the Aquisition, Nature of, and Prevention of sexually transmitted diseases at the symposium!!!"
"Captain...how soon would you like the answers?"
Before Tessa could answer, there was a knock at her door. She said "Enter."
When Lt. Cmdr. Kalinin walked in, Tessa asked "Is there a matter that cannot wait until our meeting, Mr. Kalinin?"
"I am afraid so, Madame Captain" the older gentleman replied, "And it is very fortuitous that Sgt. Sagara is present.
"Please, continue Mr. Kalinin." Tessa said.
"We have only just heard advance word, Madame Captain. We have no details whatsoever. What we do know is that Kaname Chidori is being taken to Tokyo General Hospital."
************************************************************
Finis
She sighed. She took a sip of exotic Burmese tea, brewed from tea leaves sent to her by a grateful British Parliment member who served as a Mithril operative.
The alarm went off on her watch, pulsing slowly but demandingly. She shut off the alarm, and reached for a bottle of medication in her top drawer. She had been suffering intermittent headaches, and occasional brief plunges into the Whispered state, both accompanied by transient tinnitus and photophobia. All of her senses, while generally normal, were prone to fade to nothing or become hyperacute without antecedent prodromes. Her previous contribution to the conflict with the Pakastani cabal had not been without its risks...and was not without its consequences.
She closed the manifesto and placed it in her out-box. The mission had struck the Mithril coffers, which were already at a finacial trough following a spate of small and large missions over a brief stretch of time. While small supplies were adequate verging on bountiful, there was a significant ordinance and heavy equipment deficit. Three M9s were gone, a costly but necessary expenditure. Four cruise missiles had been fired...also expensive, and also necessary. Fortunately, a resupply ship should meet them before too long.
Funds would flow back into Mithril...that was not the issue. It would take time. Resupply would exhaust the remaining reserve Arm Slaves, and come close to leaving the cupboard bare of cruise missiles. Manufacture and acquisition of new stock would also take time.
Tessa looked at one memo paper-clipped to an accounting form, smiling a brief smile. "Well, that's mighty big of them. Perhaps I should send THEM some tea," she chuckled. It appeared that her American contacts were willing to eat the cost of multiple drones, and were inclined to write off the cost of fuel and maintenance work for their experimental reconnaissance high altitude vehicle. They would not be sending Mithril a bill, and would not deduct the costs from the next covert aid package!
"Oh brother!" she said, opening the missives from Intel. This was heavy-duty stuff, and she didn't feel up to it yet. The paperwork contained early theorizing about the motives and methods of the unknown force that had manipulated the cabal, and Intel had need of her input regarding prioritization of resources available for prompt and necessary research into the matter. She briefly skimmed some of the suppositions. Was the purpose of the attack to draw Mithril into a trap, or was that simply a lagnape? Was one of the goals of the plot the testing of the resources and resolve of Mithril, a fellow covert organization with access to Black Technology? Was one of the goals of that phantom organization the triggering of significant expenditure of Mithril resources, causing a diminuation of Mithril's current effectiveness? Etc. etc. ad nauseum.
Her use of the word "brother" prompted Tessa to think about her older sibling for a moment. They had always been an odd lttle family group, spinning closer together at one moment, and then rocketing in diametrically opposed directions shortly thereafter. Tessa loved her brother, and at times missed him. She was jealous of his greater mental talent and excellent athletic abilities, but knew that he lacked her constancy and stability. Suspicion and significant concerns were another ingredient to the blend, and she wondered where he was and what he was doing. And, strangely enough, two of the few scant things she remembered from her recent Whispered endeavor were a quick sound and a brief odor she now realized reminded her of her brother.
A firm knock sounded on her door. "Please come in," she said.
Sgt. Sousuke Sagara walked into her quarters to announce "I am here as requested, Madame Captain."
Two emotions vied for Tessa's attention. She was glad to see Sousuke, and had been looking forward to talking with him. She was also disappointed that he had not resumed his temporary use of "Tessa," something that had meant a great deal to her at recent moments of physical exhaustion and mental vulnerability.
She thought back to the note she had written to him on the wall of the chamber room. She remembered smearing the words I THINK I LOVE YOU in that message, rendering them unreadable. She remebered Sousuke's message, and how it had buoyed her at a time should could have drowned in the confusion following her risky effort.
"Sousuke...if I remember correctly, it was 'Tessa' not too long ago. And for someone as adherent to tradition as you are, the number of times you said 'Tessa' should require that designation to be standard operating protocol now" she said in an amiable and slightly yearning manner.
"Uh...Captain?"
"Tessa, Sousuke. T...E...S...S...A" she said, thinking that he should be thankful that she were not trying to train him to say 'Tessa, dear' or 'Tessa, my love.'
"My spelling is judged very good academically, Captain." Sousuke said, knowing full well the point Tessa was trying to make.
"Yes, I KNOW that Sousuke...it's Japanese History you are having the most trouble with...and Algebra." Tessa made no mention of Sousuke's tutoring in History, having no desire to hear HER name right now. But, she had unconsciously added mention of 'Algebra,' no doubt as a result of her desire to discuss specific matters that had passed between herself and Sousuke...and between Sousuke and HER.
Sousuke wince slightly. "Captain...Tessa...I need to say something first, before we go further in our coversation."
"Yes?" Tessa replied, experiencing an odd mixture of anticipation, dread, and curiosity.
"Recent events have forced me to think a lot. More than I normally would. About things I usually do not...or did not...think about. I had plenty of thinking to do on the way to this mission. I thought much before the mission. And there is much on my mind now after the mission." Sousuke said, barely animated, but still more expressive than Tessa recalled from days past.
"Yes, I suspected as much. That is one of the reasons you are here today." Tessa said.
"If I may continue Captain, I would like to make a specific point up front, as it would appear to have great relevance to the manner of our conversation." Sousuke said.
"Please do."
"I realize I can be very rigid in my behavior...a 'moody military maniac' as Miss Chidori puts it." Tessa frowned at that name...but at least it had not been 'Kaname.' Sousuke continuing, saying "And I know that I do not respond in a fashion that would ultimately please many of the people I most depend on, and who matter most to me. Yourself. Sgt. Major Mao. Sgt. Weber. Lt. Cmdr. Kalinin. Miss Chidori." She watched his expressions: respect, and perhaps friendship for Tessa. Great concern for his missing teammates. Respect and admiration for the Lt. Cmdr. A confused mix of feelings for HER.
"Captain, growth is slow. And it is not easy. I do not know what will come of it, and if it will last. I am still confused, and have things to learn." Sousuke said.
Softly, Tessa replied "I can see that, Sousuke, and I understand. I have many things to go through too, as I grow...."
"Captain? Yes, I see, I sometimes forget that you are my age."
"I know Sousuke, and I guess that is part of my problem. But we can get to that later. You were discussing your behavior and your growth." Tessa said.
"I will not go into detail. I will say that at times when we are at a place or in a situation where you are a Captain and a commander, and I am a sergeant and a subordinate of yours, I will refer to you as 'Captain.' That is unavoidable. But, because of things I have learned...and because of the great effort you make for us all...I will make an effort to call you and think of you as 'Tessa' in situations other than those I stated." Sousuke looked and sounded earnest. Tessa would have preferred enthusiastic. And knowing Sousuke's adherence to even the smallest things, she had no doubt that he would construe many things to be mission-related.
"Well...I truly appreciate the effort Sousuke, and hope we can find times and places that allow you to call me Tessa." She sighed at first, but then smiled brightly and perked up her mood. A small victory WAS a victory after all. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. "Then, I suppose hugs are also subject to the same restrictions?" she added mischieveously.
"Hugs, Captain?!" Sousuke asked, eyes widening.
"Yes, Sousuke...you know, wrapping your arms around someone whose body is close to yours." Tessa was building up steam.
"Uh--...I know what a hug is, but...."
"Sousuke, it takes a lot to get a hug from you. A terrible mutiny and deadly plot by traitors and a crazed enemy. A threat against world stability requiring my risky overuse of Whispered abilities. Your pulling me down on top of you on a sunny beach, delaying my training in Arm Slave piloting" Tessa said, her latter claim a blatant reshaping of past events. "But wait...Sousuke...all those times were related to duty and to Mithril! If you can be so bold as to hug me at those times, why can you not call me by my name?"
"Captain!"
"But, I suspect I will accept that duality. As long as you will continue to hug me in some circumstances, I will accept your calling me 'Captain' in all other instances. How's that, do we have a deal?" Tessa said very sweetly, very deliberately batting her eyes until she was certain that Sousuke had taken notice.
"Uh--"
"Sousuke?" Tessa asked with a grin.
"Uh--"
"Well, as Captain, I will use my authority to take that as a 'yes!'" Tessa laughed.
"CAPTAIN!"
"Relax, Sousuke. Relax. I am simply joking with you." Tessa said, still laughing.
"I must say, Captain, that your jokes can be very...disconcerting."
"I suppose that's true. And that reminds me of one of the major reasons I wanted to talk to you Sousuke. About my fax. About my reactions." Tessa said, her mood sobering some.
"Yes, Captain. I have been so caught up in thought, and you have been so busy. I had wanted to explain the situation to you so...." Sousuke paused, uncomfortable in expressing To Tessa his desire to remain as Kaname's bodyguard.
"I understand, Sousuke. Regarding both your past actions and your likely preference in choice of missions." Tessa said.
"Captain?"
"Sgt. Weber came and spoke to me after you both arrived on board. I had not realized that he could be so serious for so long. He detailed everything you said to him, and he gave me his estimation of your wishes." Tessa said, not entirely happy with the truth and its implications.
"I see. He was serious. And you accept the reasons for my action?" Sousuke asked.
"Yes, Sousuke, I do. I must say, however, that I still hold reservations about your level of interaction with Miss Chidori." Tessa steeled herself, knowing what she had chosen to do here today. "She is your charge, Sgt. Sagara, someone whose care has been placed for the most part in your two hands. You must understand that there are risks that come with different levels of emotional attachment. Risks to you charge, regarding her safety. And regarding her emotions. Risks regarding your effectiveness as an operative. And regarding your emotions. I still see you as the best option in this situation, and...." she paused.
"Captain?" Sousuke asked, after the pause had grown exceedingly long. "Is there something wrong Captain? Are you having an after-effect of your Whispered state?" He sounded deeply concerned.
"Sousuke. This will be hard for me. Please be patient...." Tessa said, a plaintive sound to her voice.
"Certainly, Captain."
"What I am trying to say is that I understand what dilemma you are faced with, because I am faced with a dilemma of similar nature and significance. What I am saying is that I find myself willing to offer you ccertain allowances and freedom of growth, because I want to be able to allow myself the same things." Tears welled in the corner of her eyes. "I...I..."
"Captain" Sousuke started gently and with the utmost respect, "I believe I know what you are trying to say to me. You do not need to go any further if it is difficult for you. I have started learning many things of late, and I know I will not finish growing any time soon. My understanding is incomplete, including my understanding of myself."
"Thank you Sousuke. Truly...thank you. However, I must say this. To put it plainly, I am forced to have reservations regarding my level of attachment to you. I must also consider my effectiveness as your commanding officer and my fairness to you as my subordinate . I must also consider your emotions as well as my own." Tessa somewhat seemed relieved, as if she were Atlas and someone lifted the weight of the world off of her shoulders.
"Tessa," Sousuke said deliberately, "I thank you for your candor and have the utmost respect for the courage it took to say what you did. I must say I admire you greatly." Those words brought tears to Tessa's eyes again. "I must unfortunately add to your uncertainty by saying that I do not know what I may truly end up wanting in life, and I have no idea how long it may take me to find such answers."
"Thank you Sousuke. Uncertainty gives more hope than unfortunate certainties. It seems you and I share much more than common ages."
Tessa went on to speak of her early life, and how it was difficult to be so bright at so young an age. She spoke of the loneliness of the command chair, and how that loneliness was magnified by her age. She also mentioned how her command responsibilities limited both her time and opportunity to grow as a teenager. She said the professional Tessa was not able to make many allowances for the personal Tessa. She envied Sousuke's opportunity to be amongst individuals of his own age.
Sousuke spoke of his youth, telling Tessa what it was like to be forged as a figurative weapon at so young an age. He spoke of the things he had done and the places he had seen. He did not wish to discuss the people he had killed, but seemed eager to share treasured facts about people he had lost. He explained that it was not exactly easy for him to go from one world to another, and described how being in highschool could be very difficult in itself.
Seemingly out of the blue, Tessa asked Sousuke a question when he had finished reminiscing. "Sousuke, have you ever wondered how a trophy might feel? You know, about the things people will do to try and win it? Or why people would want it, given its simple appearence and its total lack of understanding of its own worth?"
Sousuke thought a moment, and then smiled very slightly and very briefly. "I cannot say that I have ever looked at things that way, Captain. But...If I may, I would like to share some things that I have learned recently."
"Certainly, please do" Tessa said.
"It is not a problem to simply be young and inexperienced..."
"There is no value in being falsely certain about one's level of understanding or being unwilling to learn new things..."
"Sometimes it is good for people to learn things on their own and sometimes it is good to grow with someone else..."
"Sometimes doing is much more important than thinking..."
"It can be dangerous too try too hard and it can be hazardous not to try hard enough..."
"It is important to be able to speak the truth and to be able to hear the truth..."
"A hook is useless without bait, and a fish will not likely jump into your pail."
When Souske had finished, Tessa smiled and shook her head in admiration. "That was excellent insight, Sousuke...I wish I had written it all down." For some reason Souske smiled when she said that.
"Uh...I do have a written copy, Captain, and you are most welcome to borrow it."
"I see," Tessa laughed. "Just how and when did you become so wise, Sousuke?"
Sousuke described his conversations with the chief mechanic. "Ahh...I will have to remember to invite him to our next strategy meeting," Tessa joked, "he seems to have such a refreshing view of things."
The buzzer on the room intercom went off and a green light glowed. "Madame Captain, will we still be having an Intelligence update session at 1700 hours?" Lt. Cmdr. Kalinin's voice.
"Yes, Mr. Kalinin, we certainly will." Tessa answered.
"Thank you, Madame Captain." The green light went out.
The brief break in his coversation with Tessa allowed Sousuke to ask a question that was constantly at the tip of his tongue. "Captain...I know it is not my place to know all of the particular details...but can you please tell me if there has been any word of Sgt. Major Mao, Sgt. Weber, or Sgt. Conrad?"
"I am truly sorry, Souske" Tessa said with true concern, "But we have heard nothing good or bad about any of them up to this moment. If I hear anything from tonight's briefing, I promise to let you know promptly."
"Thank you, Captain."
The sound of Lt. Cmdr. Kalinin's voice led Tessa's thoughts in a new direction. "Sousuke, I have not heard from Mr. Kalinin regarding his conversation with you. I would like to hear your recollection of that talk, and would like your personal analysis of the situation. You may certainly omit anything that you feel is too personal to discuss."
"Certainly, Captain!"
Sousuke gave a thourough recollection, and an excellent analysis. But, by reporting things quickly and in talking by rote, he made a significant error. Without going into details, he mentioned that Lt. Cmdr. Kalinin had given him a written assignment to fill out when he got home. And, he had mentioned Kaname's name in connection with it.
"I see. You have an assignment that involves Miss Chidori...." Tessa said, pausing briefly. "As I should be aware of everything that is significant in the performance and evaluation of your mission, I should like very much to see that assignment, Sgt. Sagara. Consider that an order." Tessa's voice brooked no disobedience.
"Uh--"
"Was I unclear in the nature of my demand, sergeant?!" She asked.
"Uh--"
"Do you doubt my authority or see reason to challenge my order?"
"Uh--"
Tessa punched a number into the intercom, but did not activate the device. "Do I need to find this out from Mr. Kalinin...immediately after I inform him of your insubordination?"
"Uh....Uh....Uh-"
Tessa thought of hooks. She thought of bait. "I will give you only one more chance and one more choice. You may bring your assignment to me to review, or you may bring me the 'book' that Sgt. Weber made for you...I would be VERY curious to see why he wanted me to see it!"
"I will retrieve my assignment immediately, Captain." Sousuke said, leaving his chair and heading for the door.
"Thank you, sergeant" is what Tessa said. "I KNEW you would..." was what Tessa was thinking.
Sousuke returned. Tessa was glad she had not had to send MPs out to fetch him back.
Sousuke took a few steps back from the desk after handing the papers to Tessa. "Sousuke, I won't bite" Tessa complained. "There can't be anything in here that...." She had intended to say "....can be that bad."
The expression on Tessa's face was remarkable for its intensity and for the speed of its birth. The look on her face was a concerted attempt on her part to keep her TRUE feelings from showing. "I see..." She said after reading the papers. "A most enlightening exercise."
Compelled to take a risk, rather than lose a potential golden opportunity, Sousuke said "I am certain that Lt. Cmdr. Kalinin would understand if you decided such an assignment was inappropriate, Captain." He waited almost expectantly for her reply.
"No, sergeant, I do not take his experience or his suggestions lightly, and this is not such a crucial issue as to risk humiliating him by countermanding a standing order."
'Not crucial' she had said. Sousuke begged to differ, but had no opportunity to voice his opinion before things went from 'Bad' to 'Worse.'
"And, I see there are two sets of paper here, Sousuke?" Tessa inquired.
"Yes, Lt. Cmdr. Kalinin implied that one set was an emergency back-up, should the first set suffer a canine gastonomical disaster. He also said..I think in jest...that I might consider giving one set of questions for Miss Chidori to fill out." Sousuke explained.
Tessa's face progressed through the spectrum, starting at slight pink and ending at beet red. " I see!" she said. "Well, while I will NOT countermand Mr. Kalinin's order, I WILL modify it slightly." She took out a red pen and began writing on one set of papers.
When she was finished with her task, she handed all of the papers back to a very concerned Sousuke. While he looked to see what the changes were, Tessa said "Oh...I almost forgot. You may show one set to Mr. Kalinin as he requested. You will show BOTH sets to me thereafter. Do you understand?"
"Uh--" Sousuke had little trouble finding the changes. In one set of questions Miss Chidori's name had been crossed out and 'Tessa/Captain Testarossa' was written in its place!!!
Are we back to THAT again, sergeant?!" Tessa asked.
"Uh--"
"I thought you had said you were doing some growing, Sousuke!" Tessa said, displeased by the monotony of Sousuke's responses.
"Uh---"
"I see, it looks as if I may need to talk with Mr. Kalinin after all...." Tessa said. She thought brieftly, grinned wickedly, and continued before Sousuke could repeat his current favorite word.
"....But this may just be the opportunity all of Mithril has been waiting for. As I understand it, sergeant, the medical staff has been looking for someone to speak on an open topic at the upcoming symposium. I have come up with a topic that should be talked about in ALL military forces, just as it should be discussed in ALL highschools. Your coincidental partcipation in both those organizations must be considered an act of providence. In lieu of my request regarding your homework assignment, I will give you the opportunity to speak about the Aquisition, Nature of, and Prevention of sexually transmitted diseases at the symposium!!!"
"Captain...how soon would you like the answers?"
Before Tessa could answer, there was a knock at her door. She said "Enter."
When Lt. Cmdr. Kalinin walked in, Tessa asked "Is there a matter that cannot wait until our meeting, Mr. Kalinin?"
"I am afraid so, Madame Captain" the older gentleman replied, "And it is very fortuitous that Sgt. Sagara is present.
"Please, continue Mr. Kalinin." Tessa said.
"We have only just heard advance word, Madame Captain. We have no details whatsoever. What we do know is that Kaname Chidori is being taken to Tokyo General Hospital."
************************************************************
Finis
