Today, Yesterday and Tomorrow, chapter 7--Inner Conflicts
Posted: Sat Nov 01, 2003 3:46 pm
Disclaimer: Full Metal Panic! does not belong to me.
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Today, Yesterday and Tomorrow
Chapter 7--Inner Conflicts
By Samantha
Sousuke looked at the sleeping Kaname, a small smile on his face, but his thoughts a roiling maelstrom. I enjoyed what we just shared, he thought. It felt right, but was it the right thing to do? Did I just violate unspoken orders? Is it right to become this close to the one I am to protect? Will this make me more or less effective in protecting her? She deserves better than me, an emotionless soldier who would rarely be there for her. His smile turned into a frown as he extricated himself from her. He padded silently into the kitchen area to think more over a glass of milk, finding only the sergeant major there, reading a book.
As he sat down, Sgt. Major Mao looked at him with a knowing smile on her face, after putting her book on the table. Sousuke conscientiously noted it was an American romance novel, probably from the recent package addressed to her. “Sousuke, is something bothering you?” She asked him, immediately noticing the small frown on his face and the distant look in his eyes. Based on her other sergeant’s comments, she had an idea of his inner quandary.
He nodded, and said only a single name. “Kaname.”
“What about her?”
“Before she fell asleep again, we had a moment of intimacy.” He spoke slowly, willing to confide in her, but unable to find words. “Sergeant major Mao, I request to be taken off this mission.”
Shock was quickly replaced by understanding on her face. “You’re worried that she’ll affect your ability to protect her, with how close you two are becoming?”
Sousuke nodded in response. “I am. A good soldier cannot become too involved. I cannot react logically to threats involving Chidori now.”
Melissa laughed gently. “Sousuke, almost from the beginning you were what you would consider ‘too involved.’ I know when the plane was hijacked, your orders put rescuing Kaname second, yet you did not. Even knowing that, I did not request your removal from the mission. Actually, when the captain wanted you back on the ship after that incident, I convinced her, with Lieutenant Commander Kalinin’s support, you were key to the success of the mission.” Melissa mused, “I think she wanted you near her, and was grasping at any excuse to do so.” She paused for a moment before saying, “I refuse your request.”
He nodded slowly. “Why?”
“Sousuke, she has given you something that, until now, was missing from your life. I know you have been on the frontlines for half of your life, if not more. It ground out your capacity to care for others, because they could die in the next sortie. Weber and I had more typical upbringings, so we can trust and care more easily. Did you know Weber joined Mithril to give his girlfriend the best care possible? She’s very ill, with one of those drug resistant strains of tuberculosis, I think. They managed to cure the disease, but it left her an invalid. Appearances to the contrary, he loves her dearly. Unlike him, you’re starting to learn how to care and trust Kaname and it must be utterly alien to you.”
“It is. Even if this is not detrimental to the mission, I believe she deserves better than me.”
“First let me allay your fears. Caring for her is not detrimental to your mission. Quite the contrary. Now you have a reason to fight, a reason to fulfill your entire potential so you can return to her.” He nodded slowly while she paused to think how to word the next thing she had to tell him. “If I see that your emotions make you unable to fulfill your duty towards Kaname, I will have Lieutenant Commander Kalinin remove you from this mission. It will not be an easy decision, Sousuke, as you are one of the only people we have qualified for this mission, for several reasons. First of all is your age. You are young enough to blend in at a high school, or as close as you can come to blending in anywhere. Second you can, as Kurtz put it, ‘do those crazy things’ and be our pointman. Finally, and most importantly, is the rapport you have with Kaname. She trusts you implicitly, and you two make a good team with this lambda driver stuff, and in general.” With a small laugh, she added, “She’s pulled your chestnuts out of the fire more than once.” She continued, serious again. “Don’t you dare use this as an excuse to cut yourself off from Kaname. She was extremely worried about you, and probably still is. Now, why are you not good enough for her, Sousuke?”
With a sigh he answered, raising one finger. “My duties with Mithril will keep me away from her more than allow me to be with her. Then she has to worry about whether I will be coming back.” Second finger. “I am, as you hinted, emotionally stunted. She deserves better than that.”
She smiled and wrapped her hand around his, pushing his fingers down again. “Sousuke, military wives are used to their loved one being away from them for long periods of time, and the uncertainty. Kaname may be willing to deal with that, if she cares for you that much. You have to ask her.” She stopped and squeezed his hand before continuing. “You are not stunted, Sousuke. You are simply learning something you were denied the opportunity to do so at a more normal age. Honestly, she could not do much better than you, Sousuke.” Melissa inclined her head towards the sleeping area. “Why don’t you talk to her when she wakes up?”
“I will. Thank you, sergeant major.” He walked back to the sleeping quarters and crawled under the bed, his thoughts still jumbled, but with the newfound opportunities awaiting him.
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Today, Yesterday and Tomorrow
Chapter 7--Inner Conflicts
By Samantha
Sousuke looked at the sleeping Kaname, a small smile on his face, but his thoughts a roiling maelstrom. I enjoyed what we just shared, he thought. It felt right, but was it the right thing to do? Did I just violate unspoken orders? Is it right to become this close to the one I am to protect? Will this make me more or less effective in protecting her? She deserves better than me, an emotionless soldier who would rarely be there for her. His smile turned into a frown as he extricated himself from her. He padded silently into the kitchen area to think more over a glass of milk, finding only the sergeant major there, reading a book.
As he sat down, Sgt. Major Mao looked at him with a knowing smile on her face, after putting her book on the table. Sousuke conscientiously noted it was an American romance novel, probably from the recent package addressed to her. “Sousuke, is something bothering you?” She asked him, immediately noticing the small frown on his face and the distant look in his eyes. Based on her other sergeant’s comments, she had an idea of his inner quandary.
He nodded, and said only a single name. “Kaname.”
“What about her?”
“Before she fell asleep again, we had a moment of intimacy.” He spoke slowly, willing to confide in her, but unable to find words. “Sergeant major Mao, I request to be taken off this mission.”
Shock was quickly replaced by understanding on her face. “You’re worried that she’ll affect your ability to protect her, with how close you two are becoming?”
Sousuke nodded in response. “I am. A good soldier cannot become too involved. I cannot react logically to threats involving Chidori now.”
Melissa laughed gently. “Sousuke, almost from the beginning you were what you would consider ‘too involved.’ I know when the plane was hijacked, your orders put rescuing Kaname second, yet you did not. Even knowing that, I did not request your removal from the mission. Actually, when the captain wanted you back on the ship after that incident, I convinced her, with Lieutenant Commander Kalinin’s support, you were key to the success of the mission.” Melissa mused, “I think she wanted you near her, and was grasping at any excuse to do so.” She paused for a moment before saying, “I refuse your request.”
He nodded slowly. “Why?”
“Sousuke, she has given you something that, until now, was missing from your life. I know you have been on the frontlines for half of your life, if not more. It ground out your capacity to care for others, because they could die in the next sortie. Weber and I had more typical upbringings, so we can trust and care more easily. Did you know Weber joined Mithril to give his girlfriend the best care possible? She’s very ill, with one of those drug resistant strains of tuberculosis, I think. They managed to cure the disease, but it left her an invalid. Appearances to the contrary, he loves her dearly. Unlike him, you’re starting to learn how to care and trust Kaname and it must be utterly alien to you.”
“It is. Even if this is not detrimental to the mission, I believe she deserves better than me.”
“First let me allay your fears. Caring for her is not detrimental to your mission. Quite the contrary. Now you have a reason to fight, a reason to fulfill your entire potential so you can return to her.” He nodded slowly while she paused to think how to word the next thing she had to tell him. “If I see that your emotions make you unable to fulfill your duty towards Kaname, I will have Lieutenant Commander Kalinin remove you from this mission. It will not be an easy decision, Sousuke, as you are one of the only people we have qualified for this mission, for several reasons. First of all is your age. You are young enough to blend in at a high school, or as close as you can come to blending in anywhere. Second you can, as Kurtz put it, ‘do those crazy things’ and be our pointman. Finally, and most importantly, is the rapport you have with Kaname. She trusts you implicitly, and you two make a good team with this lambda driver stuff, and in general.” With a small laugh, she added, “She’s pulled your chestnuts out of the fire more than once.” She continued, serious again. “Don’t you dare use this as an excuse to cut yourself off from Kaname. She was extremely worried about you, and probably still is. Now, why are you not good enough for her, Sousuke?”
With a sigh he answered, raising one finger. “My duties with Mithril will keep me away from her more than allow me to be with her. Then she has to worry about whether I will be coming back.” Second finger. “I am, as you hinted, emotionally stunted. She deserves better than that.”
She smiled and wrapped her hand around his, pushing his fingers down again. “Sousuke, military wives are used to their loved one being away from them for long periods of time, and the uncertainty. Kaname may be willing to deal with that, if she cares for you that much. You have to ask her.” She stopped and squeezed his hand before continuing. “You are not stunted, Sousuke. You are simply learning something you were denied the opportunity to do so at a more normal age. Honestly, she could not do much better than you, Sousuke.” Melissa inclined her head towards the sleeping area. “Why don’t you talk to her when she wakes up?”
“I will. Thank you, sergeant major.” He walked back to the sleeping quarters and crawled under the bed, his thoughts still jumbled, but with the newfound opportunities awaiting him.
