FullMetal*Panic!

Two years ago Siberia former USSR special storage facility (maximum security prison for individuals of special circumstances)
It was another cold dank day but they all were the smell of blood and other bodily fluids was especially foul but after three years in the same cell prisoner number 3409 was used to it. He sat on his rack eating his meal to a prisoner here what he had was a banquet he had earned it and the swollen shut left eye broken arm and bruises were proof of that.
One he thought long ago he had could remember a day when he would have considered what he was eating “dog food” but those days were long dead, dead as his mother his father and his younger brother they had all been killed back in Helmajistan..
All killed by him the man he had tried to kill the man who had put him here in this perpetual purgatory a place of constant struggle where the only way to survive was to bend to the will of the guards and every so often but another poor prisoner out of his misery before he returned the favor.
“oh Sousuke I am glad you died my little brother you never had to live like this never had to kill your dreams and denies your soul the way I have.”

Just a few comments:
1. Make use of the full-stop.
2. Homogistan is actually Helmajistan.
3. Is that it? I'm sure you'll add to that...

Sniff... How sad.

It was hard to read tho - not cause of the sadness - but it all ran together.

You gonna tell us if this bro of Sousuke's escapes/gets rescued? Or are you gonna leave the poor soul there.

Av the optimist (hoping you pull the poor guy out of that hell hole)

And then that voice came from the darkness the voice he had wanted never to here the voice of the devil. the voice of Gauron
“Oh poor child you still have hope do you my oh my and I though this place would have killed it, but I am glad to see you have grown stronger from it.”
At first 3409 thought that the voice was in his head. He had gone through times when his inner demons had played with his mind before. But then he realized that the voice was real and coming from just out side the door.
“So the Devil come to watch his lions why don’t you come in and I ll show you my hopes.”
The Devil Gauron chuckled
“sorry but I am not here for that besides I don’t think you’d survive not in your condition.”
Now 3409 chuckled
“Who said any thing about survival after life here hell would be a luxury.”
“its amazing a man of you age surviving here but then again your brother also found a way to survive…”
the devil Gauron let that linger
“YOU LIE!!!”
“No I don’t he is alive and well and I can let you see him in of course I there is a price.”
“Let me guess my immortal soul sorry but it kinda died the same day as you killed my family.”
“Oh please nothing so dramatic I want you to work for me and my people in exchange you get to see your beloved brother Sousuke.”
“And I suppose you have proof of this?”
A manila envelope slid through the slit the guards use to slip food to prisoners.
3409 picked it up and opened it like a child on Christmas morning. In it was a photo of a young man though it took him a moment the first thing that came to him were the eyes. The eyes he had seen so often in his dreams and memories, yes it was his brother there was no doubt this was his brother.
Though it took him a moment to figure out what the moisture running down his face was 3409 soon put a word to it tears he was crying, Yeshe was crying because he had to put his love for his baby brother over his hate and, Choose the evil that would lead him to his only blood to his only hope to the one thing he lived for his brother Sousuke.
“Ok so now Devil I am ready but if you so much as think of my brother with a smile on that corrupted face I will rip your heart out.”
“I would not have it any other way.”
3409 stood and the door opened for the second time in his life Shinji Sagara was lead in to shadows.

Hmmm - is there hope when you make a deal with the devil himself?

(This section was MUCH more readable. thanks!)

I will keep reading, TE.

----------------------------------------------
I think I will post my comments on the rest of the story here in my old post - so my comments don't interrupt the reading so much.

(WARNING SPOILERS THEN....)


-The fact that he'll talk with Chidori has lots of potential.
-How old do you suppose Sousuke was when he lost his family? (you gave no clue - but maybe that will be touched on later...)
-Will Shinji meet him on the other side in a battle (that would be very sad)

0120 hours Japan Sousuke’s safe house
“SHINJI!!”
Sousuke leaped out of bed covered in a cold sweat his USP in hand.
He pointed his gun in to the darkness looking for a target but finding none. He took several deep breaths put the guns safety back on and returned it to under his pillow. In his mind he ran the dream over and over it was the same night mare an assemblage of fact and fiction the destruction of his village the death of his parents and that strange addition, that boy he did not know yet he knew him.
Sousuke got out of bed and washed his face. That boy Shinji who was he? Was he real or just an illusion some part of his mind trying to emerge from the darkness?
Ever since he had meet Ms Chidori he had slowly been changing reviling more of him self not only to her and the others but also him self. Before he had always been afraid to get close too people and even now that was true. The scares of losing that unit back in Helmajistan were still fresh in his mind, but still he had realized that he could no longer shut others out he could no longer play the roll of a cold unfeeling robot, because he had realized that he liked to be with people not just fellow solders but people his own age people who had problems that he had never thought were problems, like dating, love letters and arguing over what’s for dinner.
But for the past week this nightmare had been on his mind like a parasite constantly feeding off him. What was it he had always been told oh yes “when some thing is on your mind talk to some one about it”. This was the last straw tomorrow he was going to talk to Ms Chidori about it.

Well, it's a new style to write a fic this way... euh, I'll have to get used
to it, I guess. Keep it up TE!









Regards

Good to see you've decided to use the full-stops. Thanks...
Keep the story rolling...

0920 hours. USA the former, Nevada nuclear test range north of Los Vegas Groom Lake Air Base “Area 51”

The black hawk helicopter they were riding in was making the cuvee sitting next to the Major sick. The Major was sure of it. After all no one was that pale in the desert but the Major was safe as long as the poor S.O.B. kept looking out the open door.

The major also had his eyes locked out; word on the glorious titans making high speed maneuvers on the ground, it was the sixteenth test run of the new ARX-1100 Angel series Arm slaves and all was going well. The Angels, what an appropriate name. They were a joint project between the services to clear the last hurtle that prevented true instant mobilization of Arm slaves. No longer would a landing ship have to risk harm just off the coast of an enemy shore line to deploy AS squads deep behind enemy lines. No longer would deploying a unit of Arm Slaves require the costly practice of disposable booster rocket packs or the rumored ICBM module they were the next generation of Arm slaves.

But soon the major would have his turn in the most advanced AS ever built, the ARX-1100X Arch Angel, a special version fitted with the llama generation 2 driver. He could see it now how a single AS could be sent in and take threats of huge sizes without endangering a single innocent or having to lay a single Old glory on a coffin and thanking a mother or wife for allowing a there son or daughter to death.

“Well doc, are you proud of your toys?”
“Why yes, major. They are one of my greatest accomplishments, and the best is yet to come.”
“I can’t wait to try out that special toy of yours. Just amazing the implications of your gizmos. I mean, just the projections make this thing sound like some kind science fiction."
“Yet if you told some one twenty years ago about an Arm Slave, they would tell you that was sci-fi. It truly is amazing the leaps and bounds we have gone through in the last twenty years."
“yah I remember my daddy brining home an apple 2 how it took him minutes to set it up but it took longer to boot and doe any thing then to set it up yet today a computer small enough to sit in a ladies hand bag has a thousand times more capacity.”

Hope you don't mind. Just thought I'd correct somethings here. If you do mind though, tell me. Corrections are in bold.

terran empire wrote:0920 hours. USA the former, Nevada nuclear test range north of Los Vegas Groom Lake Air Base “Area 51”

The black hawk helicopter they were riding in was making the cuvee sitting next to the Major sick. The Major was sure of it. After all no one was that pale in the desert but the Major was safe as long as the poor S.O.B. kept looking out the open door.

The major also had his eyes locked out; word on the glorious titans making high speed maneuvers on the ground, it was the sixteenth test run of the new ARX-1100 Angel series Arm slaves and all was going well. The Angels, what an appropriate name. They were a joint project between the services to clear the last hurtle that prevented true instant mobilization of Arm slaves. No longer would a landing ship have to risk harm just off the coast of an enemy shore line to deploy AS squads deep behind enemy lines. No longer would deploying a unit of Arm Slaves require the costly practice of disposable booster rocket packs or the rumored ICBM module they were the next generation of Arm slaves.

But soon the major would have his turn in the most advanced AS ever built, the ARX-1100X Arch Angel, a special version fitted with the llama generation 2 driver. He could see it now how a single AS could be sent in and take threats of huge sizes without endangering a single innocent or having to lay a single Old glory on a coffin and thanking a mother or wife for allowing a there son or daughter to death.

“Well doc, are you proud of your toys?”
“Why yes, major. They are one of my greatest accomplishments, and the best is yet to come.”
“I can’t wait to try out that special toy of yours. Just amazing the implications of your gizmos. I mean who just the projections make this thing sound like some kind science fiction."
“Yet if you told some one twenty years ago about an Arm Slave, they would tell you that was sci-fi. It truly is amazing the leaps and bounds we have gone through in the last twenty years."

hmm - anxious to see where this will lead.

special request: A few paragraph spaces would be nice (extra blank line between the two areas of words) - would make it a bit easier to read.

09:23 hours, McCarran International Airport

Johnson and Dylan were bored there. They sat waiting for an eternity.
“When is he going to get here?”
“Damn customs! Overly dependent on outdated search techniques -- just slows things down, that’s all.”
“Shut up!”
The pair looked how they felt -- dressed in bad, sweaty suits, blending in to the row upon row of fresh foolish tourists come seeking a quick buck. What they were seeking was more interesting, but to get it they would need a special individual: the one they were waiting for.
“Hey, one of these tourists is not like the others,” Dylan said, pointing at a tall Asian man with black hair, blue eyes and a goatee, wearing a trench coat, with only a duffel bag for luggage. As the man approached, more of his face became clearer. He bore the signs of a hard life, his face scarred, his walk strong and a fighting spirit in his walk.
“I am a traveler from the east, come to meet the hope of salvation in the city of sin,” he said in a deep, authoritative voice that seemed unearthly from a man who looked about 21 years old. That was the code word to identify him to them as the man they had been waiting for.
“Aren’t we all, my friend? An odd place for salvation is this, but hope springs eternal!”
And that was their way of confirming that these men were his contacts.

They led him to a van waiting outside, and once they were moving Johnson handed the young man a Colt 1911.
“I am Johnson. This is Dylan.”
“Akari. Steven Akari.”
“Nice knowing you, Steve. This is all the data we have on the target of acquisition. As you can see from these surveillance photos, security will be tight.”
“Hey, more fun that way.”
Steven Akari aka Shinji Sagara pulled the slide back on the .45 caliber pistol and smiled.
"Oh yes much more fun."

Only serious errors are in bold...

terran empire wrote:0923 hours McCarran international airport

Johnson and Dylan were bored there they sat waiting for an eternity.
“When is he going to get here?”
“Damn customs! Overly dependent on out dated search techniques just allows things down. That’s all.”
“Shut up!”

The pair looked how they felt. Dressed in bad sweaty suits blending in to the row upon row of fresh foolish tourist come seeking a quick buck. But what they were seeking was more interesting but to get it, they would need a special individual the one they were waiting for.

“Hey, one of these tourists is not like the others,” Dylan said pointing at a tall Asian man with black hair, blue eyes, a goatee, wearing a trench coat with only a duffle bag for luggage.

As the man approached, more of his face became clearer. He bore the signs of a hard life; his face scared, his walk strong and a fighting spirit in his walk.

“I am a traveler from the east come to meet the hope of salvation in the city of sin,” he said in a deep authoritative voice that seemed unearthly from a man that looked about 21 years old.

That was the code word to identify him to them as the man they had been waiting for.

“Aren’t we all, my friend an odd place for salvation is this but hope springs eternal?”
And that was their way of confirming that these men were his contacts.

They led him to a waiting van sitting outside, and once they were moving, Johnson handed the young man a Colt 1911.

“I am Johnson. This is Dylan.”
“Akari, Steven Akari”
“Nice knowing you, Steve. This is all the data we have on the target of acquisition. As you can see from these surveillance photos security will be tight.”
“Hay, more fun that way.”

Here cometh the copy editor.

terran empire wrote:09:23 hours, McCarran International Airport

Johnson and Dylan were bored there. They sat waiting for an eternity.
“When is he going to get here?”
“Damn customs! Overly dependent on outdated search techniques -- just slows things down, that’s all.”
“Shut up!”
The pair looked how they felt -- dressed in bad, sweaty suits, blending in to the row upon row of fresh foolish tourists come seeking a quick buck. (deleted "but") What they were seeking was more interesting, but to get it they would need a special individual: the one they were waiting for.
“Hey, one of these tourists is not like the others,” Dylan said, pointing at a tall Asian man with black hair, blue eyes and a goatee, wearing a trench coat, with only a duffel bag for luggage. As the man approached, more of his face became clearer. He bore the signs of a hard life, his face scarred, his walk strong and a fighting spirit in his walk.
“I am a traveler from the east, come to meet the hope of salvation in the city of sin,” he said in a deep, authoritative voice that seemed unearthly from a man who looked about 21 years old. That was the code word to identify him to them as the man they had been waiting for.
“Aren’t we all, my friend? An odd place for salvation is this, but hope springs eternal!”
And that was theirway of confirming that these men were his contacts.

They led him to a van waiting outside, and once they were moving Johnson handed the young man a Colt 1911.
“I am Johnson. This is Dylan.”
“Akari. Steven Akari.”
“Nice knowing you, Steve. This is all the data we have on the target of acquisition. As you can see from these surveillance photos, security will be tight.”
“Hey, more fun that way.”

Does the readability improve significantly?

Yea. that's better. I was afraid TE will think we're being too nosy...