[FIC] Higher Education (Pt 14)
Posted: Mon Aug 09, 2004 9:28 pm
Kaname placed the older photo album on her lap.
She sighed.
It was time.
The wounds she had from long ago were stronger. Time hadn’t taken away their ability to sting and bite.
Sousuke was looking on patiently, a look of concern on his face.
Kaname respected him for that. He had been through so much, that he could have burned out altogether.
He didn’t.
There was no way to miss the fact that he was still affected and influenced by his past life; but, he still showed an ability to learn and grow. And, with all the pain and suffering he had gone through, he could have grown blind to suffering in others… blind, or uninterested.
He hadn’t.
She hoped that she could help him reach his potential. Sousuke could end up being something very special. No, he was that already. He could end up being more than he was.
“Would you like any coffee or tea, Sousuke? Soda?”
“No, thank you. But I will get you some, if you wish.” Sousuke began to stand up.
Kaname shook her head. She looked at the album. Taking a deep breath, she opened it.
“He’re me as a baby, Sousuke.” It was a picture of her in her mother’s arms. It had been taken at their first home. Her mother looked so beautiful.
They spent some time looking at pictures from Kaname’s early childhood.
“This is a picture of me when I was seven, Sousuke.” Kaname pointed to a picture of her playing outside in the snow. “That’s my sister. Her snow suit was way to large for her.”
“You had short hair, Kaname?” Sousuke replied. He ran his hand over the photograph gingerly.
“What are you feeling, Sousuke?” Kaname’s voice was low. She had seen a look in the young man’s eyes that she couldn’t place.
“It must be nice, having pictures of your youth.” Sousuke’s thoughts went deeper than that. He thought that it must have been nice having that kind of existence when one is young. “You also have a sister.”
“Do you have any family at all, Sousuke?” Kaname knew that Sousuke’s mother and father had been killed by soldiers in Afghanistan.
“No. I had a brother and sister. They died with my parents, Only I managed to escape. There was a place I used to hide when I was scolded.” Sousukes face went blank.
Kaname caressed Sousuke’s cheek. Sousuke had one-upped her again, in a sense. Yet, she felt no competitiveness now.
Neither of them had deserved what they had gone through before. If anything, they deserved some happiness now.
“Do you remember them, Sousuke? Do you have any pictures?” Kaname wished she could somehow give him some if he didn’t. If she had the chance, she would find a way to get pictures of the two of them whenever she able.
“I barely remember my father. He was strong and kind. When he had time, he carved things for me and told me stories. My mother’s face has not faded as much as my father’s. It was the first thing I saw when I woke most mornings. She held me a lot, and would comfort me when I was hurt or frightened. My brother and sister would follow me around. They would try to do all the things that I did. I do not remember much of what they looked like.” Sousuke ran his fingers over another picture of Kaname, roughly similar in age.
“Oh. I’m so sorry, Sousuke.” She put her hand on Sousuke’s and interlaced their fingers. “This is another picture of me when I was seven.” Kaname tightened her grip on Sousuke’s hand. “A month or so after this picture, I ran away from home.”
“Were you under attack, Kaname?” Sousuke looked startled. Kaname had a home. Why else would she had wished to leave such a place?
“No, Sousuke. I just wanted to run away. I didn’t really understand why until later.” Kaname’s eyes looked troubled.
“My mother and father fought a lot. It was loud. I was frightened. I think I may have come to believe that I was at fault.” Kaname swallowed hard.
“My parents loved each other. But, in those days, my father’s job wasn’t going well, I’ve been told. There were a lot of stresses on him. I also had some problems at school. I had a speech impediment, and the other children made fun of me.”
“Your voice is beautiful now.” Sousuke felt an urge to tell that to Kaname. He had never spoken to anyone who told him about a bad childhood. He wished that Kaname had not had to face that.
But, he somehow felt closer to her now.
“Thank you, Sousuke. I’m glad you think so. Do I have a beautiful voice when I shout at you, too?” Kaname managed a smile. She mussed Sousuke’s hair, then laughed when he made a face. Then, her face went serious again. “My father’s voice was very scary when he shouted. Especially if he ever shouted at me.”
“Did your father strike you, or your mother?” Sousuke had to work up the nerve to ask. It was more difficult discussing someone else’s difficult times than it was reminiscing about his own.
“I never saw him hit my mother. He wasn’t really angry at her. He was frustrated, and under a great deal of stress. It wasn’t her fault. He struck me sometimes, and it frightened me. But, it didn't happen very often, and he always held me afterwards, sorry that he hurt me.” Kaname sat back a moment and worked a kink out of her wounded shoulder. It was still sore.
“I think part of the problem was that Ayame was a needy child. She got a lot of attention, when my parents didn’t have a lot to spare.”
“You felt abandoned? Left out?” Sousuke remembered references that Kaname had made to that kind of feeling in the past.
“No, not yet. That came later. I guess I just needed attention too, but didn’t get as much as I wanted. My parents were very busy, each of them working. They didn’t have a lot of time for each other as it was. Neither seemed to understand my point of view, I think. It made me think they didn’t care. My father would lecture me, telling me the right way to do things and the proper way to feel. Maybe I felt they didn’t respect me.” Kaname leaned over against Sousuke for a moment, closing her eyes.
Sousuke remained quiet until Kaname opened her eyes and sat up straight again. “You feel a need for attention now, Kanamae? You wish for people to understand you and respect you?”
“Yes,” Kaname answered. “You remember that. Kaname needs attention. And, a lot of it. Always agreeing with me is a great way to show respect. Kisses are too. That, and showering me with gifts.”
“Kaname?” Sousuke looked skeptical.
“I know you respect me, Sousuke. Don’t think that doesn’t mean a lot to me. It does. It did in high school too. You also paid attention back then. It may have mattered to my head that you did it as an assignment. But, my heart was glad that someone noticed me and took me seriously.” Kaname’s eyes filled with tears. “Thank you. I shouldn’t have been so hard on you Sousuke.”
“You were hard on me Kaname?” Sousuke tentatively stroked Kaname’s hair, keeping his hand still when she leaned her head against it. “That was nothing after Mithril training camp, or the time I spent in the mujihadeen. Even their name roughly translates to 'The Strugglers.' You did not harm me much.”
“That is not the point, Sousuke!” Kaname spoke in a mock shout. “If I say I was hard on you, then I was. It was an apology. Sheesh.”
Kaname moved her head and kissed Sousuke’s hand. “Big idiot!” After a few moments of silence, she got back to the business at hand.
“Things got better when my parents brought me back from the police station. It must have been a big eye opener to them. My father no longer yelled much at my mother after that, and he never struck me again, even when he disciplined me."
Kaname continued flipping through the pages, pointing out special memories and describing how she felt at those times. For a while, her life had been very happy.
“This is me when I was nearly ten. My father’s job required that he move to America.” Kaname stared at that picture, thinking. “That was very hard on me. My speech had been corrected, and I had finally begun making friends. I didn’t want to leave that. I didn’t want to leave Japan. I didn’t want to learn a new language or culture.” Kaname moved around some and looked at Sousuke. “In a way, I can imagine what things must be like for you Sousuke, when they uproot you from one place and plant you in another.”
“Yes. But, for me it is not as hard. Each of the places I go may not be as nice as the place before, but they are all a great deal better than the place that Mithril found me in.” Sousuke still felt a great debt of gratitude to the organization. “Though, there have been places that I wished very much that I could stay at.”
He didn’t need to give an example.
“I was so angry at my parents for dragging me to a place where I felt alone again. I grew rebellious for a while, but was too afraid to run away again. I hated the food. I couldn’t understand the television shows. All of the sights and sounds seemed wrong at first. I couldn’t go to school yet, and had to be tutored in Japanese until I learned English, and I did not WANT to learn English.” Kaname’s face looked angry now, just thinking about the past.
“Yes, English is a difficult language, but there are many others that are more difficult.” Sousuke nodded his head.
“Oh really, Mister Know So Very Much. Just how many languages do YOU speak, Sousuke?” Kaname was scowling, her lips pursed together.
“I was once fluent in Dari, and could understand some Pashto without being able to speak much. I am fairly well versed in English, as a disproportionate number of people in Mithril speak it, including my commanding officers. I also leaned a great many swear words from Sgt. Major Mao. I have a decent understanding of Russian. I know a few words in Khmer, Kurdish, and Spanish.” Sousuke did not seemed impressed with his own accomplishment. He had merely done what he had thought was necessary to be a good fighter, and then a good soldier.
“I see.” Kaname’s eyes narrowed for a moment. Then, she shook it off, and a sly smile creased her face. “I’m very disappointed to hear that. A lot of my friends know English. Now I can’t tell them any secrets when you’re around. Well, I guess I still can in Girl Language….”
“Girls have a secret language?” Sousuke looked shocked. Girls would be the last people he would expect to be able to keep anything secret. “That would explain a lot of things….”
The young soldier thought about what he knew of nushu, a single-sex writing system that Chinese scholars believe to be the only one of its kind. That exclusive language, with letters based on sound rather than ideas, may have developed as long ago as the third century.
Sounds rather than ideas? He would not mention that to Kaname.
The women in small areas of south central China had just wanted a way to express themselves. That was understandable. But, women these days---and Kaname in particular---had an over-abundance of ways to express themselves....
Kaname giggled. “I was just kidding, Sousuke. You’re cute when you’re gullible.”
Sousuke frowned. “Kaname, I’m not cute, I’m---”
“A Specialist. I KNOW, Sousuke!” Kaname couldn’t help herself. She started laughing at the expression on Sousuke’s face. Here she was discussing weighty matters, and she was laughing. She didn’t know if that were a good or a bad thing.
“I can’t wait to tell that one about the language to my friends. Melissa too, if I ever see her again.”
Sousuke opened his mouth mutely. Kaname noticed, and stopped laughing. She tried to put on a straight face. “It’s OK, Sergeant. I will not do anything that might damage the faith that your commanders have in you.” She had spoken in a very serious voice, but began laughing again as soon as she finished.
Sousuke looked scandalized. Then he narrowed his eyes and smiled. “Sometimes your sense of humor eludes me, Kaname. It is not a problem. When I return to Da Danaan for my next routine update in systems and subroutines, I will ask Tessa to explain things to me. No doubt she would be glad to assist me in any way necessary.
Kaname’s face froze.
Sousuke rubbed his hands together. He looked at Kaname. He did not smirk.
He didn’t need to.
“I will ask you to refrain from swearing in front of me, Sousuke. I’m a lady, after all.” Kaname looked very serious.
“Kaname?” Sousuke didn’t recall swearing.
“When you left Tokyo, 'Tessa' became a dirty word. I still haven’t gotten over it. Hmmppff!” Kaname smiled, hit Sousuke lightly in his uninjured shoulder, then pointed back at her photo album.
“It took me a while to adjust entirely. When I did, I picked up on a lot of the things that I had done before, finding different ways to do them in my new country. I ended up having more friends than before. I tried harder at sports, because I thought that my classmates would like me and accept me more that way. I also wanted to make my parents proud of me.” Kaname looked up a moment, stared off into space, then sighed.
“It was more than that. “I placed first in the Junior swimming contest in Chofu when I was eight. My parents made a big fuss over it, and wanted to see me excel in sports. I know now that they wanted me to find something to occupy myself, and to see just what I could become. To me….I guess… I thought my parents loved me more when I did well. It made me try harder. Because of that, I had a harder time understanding why they would take me away from my home.”
“Did you win more competitions, Kaname? After you moved….” Sousuke would guess that she did. He began to see some of the reasons for Kaname’s competitive nature. Also, he could see why she might have trouble letting too close to people. As a child, she must have always wondered when she would be forced to pick up and go.
In Tokyo, it had been him who had picked up and gone… away from her.
“Yes, Sousuke. I placed second in a large track and field tournament in the States when I was almost twelve. I have been involved in athletics in some fashion ever since.” Kaname looked at Sousuke’s inquisitive look. “I’m a member of the College softball club.” She smiled. “Want to join the team. If I remember correctly, you once tried to join our squad in high school.”
“My apologies, Kaname. My love for the sport left me, when I was struck on the back of the head by a base thrown by a crazed girl.” Sousuke kept a straight face. He rubbed the back of his head. “It still hurts sometimes.”
Kaname looked at Sousuke and squinted. “Well, I don’t know who would do a thing like that. But, I must say it worked wonders. You got better and better after that…. And look at you now. You owe that girl a lot of thanks.” She fluffed her hair. “In fact, if you ever meet her again, you should give her anything she wants. Immediately. Any time she asks.”
“I will do that,” Sousuke said. He saw Kaname smile a big smile. “After she apologizes to me.” He tried hard not to grin after seeing Kaname flinch.
“Well, don’t get your hopes up. No girl with any shred of pride would apologize to an otaku.” She turned her nose up. A few moments later she leaned over and whispered in Sousuke’s ear. “Unless she cares about him very much. I’m sorry, Sousuke.”
Sousuke looked at Kaname, then nodded his head. “That’s right, you did that to me as well. I almost forgot.” He then untied one shoe and began tying it better.
“Someone else ever do that to you Sousuke?” Kaname looked incredulous.
“Kaname, you are also cute when you are gullible.” Sousuke looked back down at the photo album. He thought a moment. Was it alright for a Specialist and one time member of the SRT to use the word ‘cute?’
Yes, if it made the woman he cared about happy.
It just wouldn’t do to have it become a habit.
Kaname opened her mouth, but closed it again. It was nice that Sousuke had called her cute… she would encourage that under different circumstances… but she was NOT about to yield another point to him.
“Things finally began going well for me again. I found that I had not only grown accustomed to America, but also had begun to love a lot of things about my new home.” Kaname’s face took on a sad look. She let out a long and shaky breath. She looked over at Sousuke. “Not to long after I won that last trophy…..” Her voice died on her.
Sousuke could guess what Kaname wanted to talk about next. He knew that her mother had died of cancer. Very slowly, he reached out and pulled some hair away from the front of her face. He had lost a mother he never got a chance to know too well, having only seen her through the eyes of a young boy. Kaname would have grown not only to love her mother, but also to see her as someone to model herself after and teach her the things needed to be a woman.
“I’m OK, Sousuke. Really.” Kaname moved Sousuke’s hand.
“My mother began having minor problems. Nothing anyone would pay much attention to, because they could be caused by so many different things. Indigestion. A reduced appetite. Constipation. Occasional nausea. If someone could just have seen reason to examine her then!” Kaname shook her head.
“I… I know there was no reason to do extensive tests at that point… but I later became angry at the doctors, and at my mother for not knowing what was wrong with her. That would come back to haunt me after she die. I blamed my father too….” She bowed her head and went silent.
A small number of tears fell from her eyes, making dark spots on her dress.
“I understand, Kaname.” Sousuke’s eyes looked down as well. He was uncomfortable seeing Kaname looking that way. “Today, I would say that Lt. Cmdr. Kalinin is the closest thing I have to a father. But, for a while, I blamed him for the death of my parents, because he was Russian.”
Sousuke ran his hand through his head. “I later learned that he had been censured by his superiors because he spoke out against atrocities. It was one of the reasons he eventually joined Mithril.”
Kaname looked over at Sousuke. She had always thought he was so clueless, because he didn’t understand the small things in daily life, and because his judgment in a civilized environment was questionable at best. But, he had insights that few other people might have, simply because he had been forced to deal with so many things at so many points throughout his life.
“I said a lot of wrong things to him, Kaname. He turned out to be the one who fought hardest to bring me into the organization, and to add me to the training queue for the SRT.” He rubbed at his eyes. “We all make mistakes towards those we care about, or for those who care about us.”
Kname was grateful for those words. She knew they would make her feel better later. At that moment, however, they had her shaking. Her throat went dry. She could help herself, beginning to sob.
“I’m so sorry, Sousuke. I… I was so hurt…. I… I… wanted to hurt you too, when you left.” The confession spilled out of her like water rushing past a demolished dam. “It wasn’t just to keep my own pain as little as possible.”
Sousuke moved to console her.
“No. Don’t touch me Sousuke. I don’t deserve that. Not when I have something like that inside of me.” Kaname put her face into one of the pillows on the couch, silencing her sobs. “I’m sorry.”
Sousuke felt stricken. Kaname’s secret did not hurt him. He had not been as kind to Melissa and Kurz as he could have been, when he was pulled back to Da Danaan. As part of Mithril, he had held them accountable to some degree as well. He was not proud of his actions. He stood up and walked out of the living room.
Kaname looked up from the pillow.
Was he going to leave?
Did he intend to abandon her for real this time?
Hadn’t she earned that?
After a few minutes, Sousuke returned, a towel draped over his hand. He walked over in front of Kaname and looked down at her. His eyes were very intense, and his face was drawn.
“I am very disappointed in you, Kaname Chidori.” The sound of his voice was deep, and full of emotion. Kaname swallowed hard, bowing her head. “If you think you can shock me with such an admission, you are mistaken. If you think you are undeserving of happiness because you struck out at someone who hurt you, what does that say about me. You refused to speak to me, You refused to read my letters and to write me in return. That hurt. It took effort, but I recovered.”
It was Sousuke turn to shiver some as a chill passed through him.
Kaname looked up at him, scarcely believing his words.
Why wasn’t he condemning her?
“People hurt me when I was younger, Kaname. When I was able, I took up arms and killed people just like them. They never recovered after that. They never had another chance have any emotions at all. I erased everything that those people might have gone on to be or do. They may have been soldiers fighting against the land I had learned to think of as home, but I doubt many if any were the actual one’s who had orphaned me.”
“Souske….” Kaname had stopped crying. Sousuke’s voice had gone completely flat. His face showed no sign of any emotion at all.
He turned his eyes towards Kaname. Seeing her, he opened his mouth. His eyes softened some.
“If you will not forgive yourself Kaname, does that mean that you will hate me for the things that I have done in my life?”
“No… Sousuke…. No. Those men you killed… they were bad men. You….”
“Kaname, they may not all have been bad men. They were soldiers doing their job.” Sousuke walked closer to Kaname. “When I left Tokyo, so…… was….. I…..” He shook his head, clenching his fists.
“We were soldiers doing our jobs. We hurt people. I hurt you. I left you. You were depending on me to protect you, and I abandoned you. You worked hard to prepare me for school, but I left that too. Am I supposed to hate you because you felt pain and acted on it?”
Kaname sat stunned, her mouth open. She didn’t know what to think. She didn’t know what to say.
“You have shown me a lot of pictures tonight, Kaname. Allow me to show you the person I have grown to respect above most others. I would like to show you the face of the only person who has given me reason to think about tomorrow with any kind of real hope.” he took away the towel he held. It had been covering a picture of Kaname and her friends at graduation. “She is right here. I believe you will find her face familiar.”
He was pointing to Kaname’s face.
Kaname sat wordlessly, her emotions swirling around her like a swarm of bees. She looked up at Sousuke through a haze of tears.
“I will give you some time alone,” Sousuke said. “I will go hang this picture where it belongs. After that, I will go for a short walk to clear my head, if I may.” He went to hang the picture. When he turned to head back, he saw Kaname in the hallway behind him. She was taking his coat off the wall rack. A moment later, she grabbed her own as well.
She looked over at him.
He looked back, wondering what she was thinking of doing. Was she going somewhere as well? If so, the evening might be over.
“Sousuke….” Kaname’s voice was very soft. “When we both go out for our time alone… can we walk together?”
Sousuke stared a moment, then nodded his head. “Affirmative. You need protection after dark, Kaname. Who knows what kind of trouble you might get into. It will be professional courtesy. You need not feel any debt.” He tilted his head some. “Unless you want to.”
“Oh. I see. Professional courtesy. Well, Sergeant Social, you seem to run into a bit of trouble on your own. Who knows what might happen if those girls were to corner you. We can’t have that, can we?” Kaname stood with her hands on her hips. At that moment, it was a good thing.
“No, we cannot. I will say however, I will do the better job of protecting.” He felt the impulse to grin, but did not.
“Really. And what makes you think that, Mr. Flip a Girl In Her Own Kitchen?” Kaname shook her fist at Sousuke.
“I’m a Specialist. By definition, I will be better. My apologies.” Sousuke did grin that time.
“Were a Specialist. Were. Specialists do NOT use the word ‘cute.’ Ever.” Kaname managed a smile, trumping Sousuke’s grin.
“Ah. If that is indeed true, I shall not be able to protect you. There would be no reason to accompany you then. Please, stay safe Kaname.” He walked towards the front door. Kaname stepped in front of him.
Sousuke gently picked Kaname up… turned around… and deposited her on her feet behind him. He then opened the door and stepped out into the chill evening air, his breath forming small clouds.
“You’re really going without me, Sousuke?” Kaname stood looking at him, biting her lip.
“Only if you want to stay at home, Kaname.” He held out his hand.
Kaname smiled. Then, she furrowed her brow. “Sousuke! Don’t be stupid. I’m not going the leave until I put my coat on!” When she was finished, she walked outside, locked her door, then gave Sousuke a hug. “You shouldn’t be this good to me, you know.”
“Kaname?”
“I might not give you permission to leave me again.” Kaname ran down the steps up to her apartment. “Well, why aren’t you down here already?”
Sousuke broke out of his reverie. He wasn’t about to tell her that her words had started him thinking about the future. Even he had no idea where such thoughts might lead.
“I enjoyed watching you walk down the stairs, Kaname.” That one ought to do well.
Kaname ran back up to him. He thought she was going to hug him or kiss him. Maybe even grab his hand and pull him down the stairs.
He was wrong.
“OK, I’ll do it again, then.” Kaname tossed her hair.
She did.
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The calmness of the weather had been deceptive.
With the storm seeming to have passed, neither Kaname nor Sousuke had thought about bringing an umbrella.
Each of their thoughts had been somewhat jumbled.
Both needing to cleanse their palates in an emotional sense, the young couple made their way to a small and secluded cafe, taking in the sights and sounds of the night time streets. Sitting down at a well worn table near a koi pool, Kaname ordered a spiced latte and Sousuke asked for a glass of mineral water.
As the establishment’s clientele smoked, drank, ate, lounged, and conversed, the world seemed to shrink in size for the pair of one-time Jindai High School students. As far as Kaname was concerned, Sousuke was the only other person existing at that moment. Sousuke was also affected by the mood. His vigilance was restricted to the ring of tables nearest to them, rather than the entire cafe and the street outside.
For her part, Kaname filled Sousuke in on the whereabouts and lives of their previous classmates. Sousuke gave Kaname the run down on the people that she knew in Mithril.
“Kurz and Melissa?!!” Kaname looked shocked after hearing one story.
“Yes. Once. While the two of them had been stranded in an abandoned cabin behind enemy lines. Things had looked bleak. They discovered a cache of alcoholic beverages.” Sousuke shook his head. Kurz still crowed about that night from time to time, despite the fact that it earns him a rather painful response from Melissa.
Kaname wrapped her hair around her finger absent-mindedly. “You never got stranded in a cabin with anyone, did you Sousuke?” Kaname’s mouth was asking one question, but her heart wanted to know the answer to another.
Sousuke nodded his head. “Once. In Cambodia. A young peasant girl helped to tend my wounds.” Sousuke thought back in time, remembering a time where bad intelligence almost lead to a terrible outcome. Members of the ousted Khmer Rouge had stayed in contact with one another and helped facilitate a plot by one of Mithril’s shadowy rivals. “She looked somewhat like you did in high school.”
Kaname started coughing, having aspirated a small amount of her latte.
“Kaname, are you alright?” Sousuke pushed his chair back and began to stand.
“I-I...” Cough. “I-I-I’m...” Cough. Cough. “It’s OK, Sousuke.” Kaname fought more to control her surging suspicions than to normalize her ability to speak. Coughing a few more times, she chided herself over her reaction to anything that Sousuke might have done in the past.
Sousuke sat looking at Kaname a moment. Better able to read people and examine things in a social context, he had an idea of what had caused her reaction. “There was no intimacy between us, Kaname.”
Kaname began coughing again. “R-Really....” Cough. “Well, i-it’s none of my concern, anyway.” Cough.
Sousuke looked across the table at her a bit longer, noticing how the candle flame was mirrored in her eyes at certain angles. “I see.” His inflection was subtle, but there was no doubt that he had seen through Kaname’s response.
Kaname frowned for a moment. There were obviously certain drawbacks about a wiser and more observant Sousuke. She smiled. She would just have to persevere.
It was a dirty job, but someone had to do it.
When they had finished with their drinks and pleasant conversation, the two of them mutually decided that it was time to head back to Kaname’s apartment. They hadn’t walked too far before the sky opened up again. Fortunately, they could run under an awning outside of a darkened shop. Not too long after that, Sousuke decided to try flagging down a Taxi the conventional way.
Kaname asked him whether or not he minded her using her prior method, just for old time’s sake.
In answer, Sousuke pulled down on the awning, sending a stream of water splashing down at Kaname’s feet. Her shoes and stockings were soaked. Smiling, she tried to do the same thing to Sousuke, but only managed to drench herself from head to toe.
“Don’t you say word! So help me God, if you do... I’ll put you in the hospital this time....” Kaname couldn’t help but laugh.
“It is not a problem, Kaname. It is nothing more than friendly fire. Unfortunate, but unavoidable at times.” Sousuke expected that the otaku reference would spark Kaname.
He was right.
“Ooooooh!” With all her might, Kaname pushed Sousuke out near a large puddle, just as a bus came thundering by. A huge sheet of water jumped upward and outward from the deep gutter.
With an exquisite move, Sousuke ducked down and slid, avoiding the water. Kaname, on the other hand, took the torrent full on. Before she knew it, she was standing there sputtering, water running off of her in small streams.
“At least that will help rinse out the detergent from your food stains, Kaname.” A dry Sousuke was back under the awning.
Kaname fumed. Damn that Sousuke.
He was still dry!
Smiling, Kaname slowly strode towards him, her shoes making an odd squishing noise with each step. “Sousuke. I’m cold. I need a b-i-i-i-i-i-g hug.” She smiled when she saw his eyes widen. “And a long one, too.”
That would get him pretty wet himself.
Salvation came in the shape of a taxi cab. Kaname refrained from following up with her plan once they inside the car. First, who knew what the driver might think. Second, Sousuke didn’t have a spare set of clothes. She could change at home, but he couldn’t.
While it might be fun to picture Sousuke wearing her robe... or that apron... while his clothes dried, she knew he would never go for that. He also would not simply go home and change. No, the stoic idiot would simply sit in her living room wet and uncomfortable.
Worse, he would make some otaku comment on how he had been in much worse situations.
Sometimes, she was just going to have to let Sousuke have his victories.
He wasn't due another one for at least a month
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When they both made it to Kaname’s apartment, the couch was still there waiting for her. While Sousuke leafed through the photo albums, Kaname went and changed into something dry and casual. After she sat back down next to him, she took up her tale where she had left off.
“When my mother began vomiting frequently, she went to see a doctor. They ran a number of tests and found blood in her stool. That led to a more directed examination. To make a long story short, they found that she had stomach cancer. That was devastating to all of us, as you can imagine. It was just one more thing that had me believing that fate was against me.” Kaname pointed to one picture.
“She was very brave, Sousuke. See that smile? This picture was taken not to long after we received the bad news.” Kaname teared up.
“You take after your mother, then.” Sousuke placed his hand on Kaname’s.
“Thank you, Sousuke.” Kaname turned the page. “I promised my parents that I would be good. I swore to the heavens, that I would do whatever they wanted me to do, if only my mother would get better. I ran harder. I spent more time doing my schoolwork. I tried to help Ayame understand, and had her help me do chores to make things easier for my mother.”
Sousuke listened attentively. He realized something about having a family. It gave you people to love. It also gave you people to mourn. It came down to a matter of degree and good fortune.
“It was a terrible time." Kaname hung her head. "Cancer of the stomach is not very common in the United States, but is in Japan. But, it was rare in someone my mother’s age. I had been in the room when the doctor discussed things with my parents. Hearing that gave me one more reason to be angry at the world." She looked over at Sousuke to see if he understood the point she was trying to make.
Sousuke nodded his head.
"There was more to make me angry. That kind of tumor was two times more frequent in men than women. Obviously she was not a man. There were a number of common risk factors. She had none of them. I later learned that a diet high in fruits and vegetables could reduce the risk of someone getting the disease. She ate plenty of both.” Kaname slammed her hand down on the book.
Sousuke refrained from offering Kaname comfort. She knew that he was there. They both now knew that he cared for her. This was something she needed to work through again.
“She was scheduled for surgery. I was so afraid that she was going to die from that, Sousuke. I almost ran away again. I was also afraid of what the surgery would show, and what examination of her specimen by pathologists might reveal. The doctor had gone on to discuss her chances, when I was there during the one visit. I should have stayed out of the room. The things that he mentioned that would make things very bad… if they were not bad enough… were not found in her stomach. I know, because I asked my mother to tell me what her report showed.” Kaname looked over at Sousuke.
“The things that would suggest worse prognosis were not there? You mistakenly took unrealistic hope from that?” Sousuke was certain that must have been the case.
“Yes. I also mistakenly believed that the radiation therapy and chemotherapy could be cures. They aren't. They simply serve to relieve symptoms and slow the progression of disease. Not only did they not cure her, but they caused my mother more discomfort than the tumor originally had.” Kaname shook her head, trying to stop from seeing a particularly painful memory.
"Your trust in other people suffered. Other people failed you, so you eventually came to rely only on yourself alone." Sousuke could say the same things about his earlier self.
Kaname nodded, before continuing.
“I watched her slowly deteriorate, Sousuke. It hurt me terribly. I couldn’t understand why such a good and wonderful person had to suffer like that. I asked myself why someone should bother behaving or working hard, if they could be punished when they had done nothing wrong.”
“I see,” Sousuke said, feeling a need to speak about something himself. “My parents were in Afghanistan doing charitable work of some sort. As much as I can recall, they were well thought of by the people of Kabul. I believe I had similar questions as a child, when they died without doing anything wrong.”
Kaname looked at Sousuke for a moment, blinked repeatedly, then resumed talking.
“My father was probably struck harder than anyone, with the exception of my mother. In retrospect, I realize just how brave he had been, and how hard he tried to keep things as normal as possible for Ayame and me.” Kaname bowed her head. She looked at a picture of her father holding her mother.
“I grew very angry at him though. Maybe I thought that coming to America gave my mother cancer. I may have simply bristled at his insistence that my sister and I had allow our mother sufficient time to rest. I would later come to think that he had stolen from me what few moments I had left with my mother.”
Sousuke felt very uncomfortable, seeing someone bear her soul this way. But, he was realized it was important. It would provide him with explanations for why Kaname was the way that she was.
More importantly, it would help Kaname find peace.
"Are you still angry at your father today, Kaname?" Sousuke hoped that Kaname had a strong relationship with her family.
"No Sousuke. I love my father very much. I do have trouble with authority figures from time to time. And, I once had trouble accepting someone who was assigned to protect me." She gave Sousuke a poignant look.
Kaname was quiet for a few moments, just leafing through the album and thinking of some of the pleasant memories she had. In time, she looked up at Sousuke and began again.
“Because my mother did not want to die in a foreign land… and because of the timing of school Japan , we moved back home in time for me to enroll in Junior High School. My lateness of application meant that I had to settle for one of the less requested schools. That was a minor thing to me. I had grown to love the nation I had once dreaded. I left a lot of friends behind me, again. My mother had entered her terminal stages. It was horrible.” Kaname’s face was pale.
She couldn’t help but see an image of her mother, so tired and frail looking.
Why did she have to remember that?
Why?
“She died three months after I started school. We were all terribly devastated. I can’t describe a lot of what I felt at the time. I know that I came to be angry at my mother for leaving us. I know it doesn't make any sense, but I blamed her for abandoning me.” Kaname’s eyes welled with tears again. “I began wondering when my father and Ayame were going to leave me as well. I didn’t want to care about anyone ever again. Not family. Not friends. No one.”
Sousuke found himself feeling numb just from hearing Kaname’s past. He couldn’t have imagined how she could have felt, despite having lived through his own series of hardships.
“I was unhappy at home, Sousuke. But, that was nothing compared to how I felt at school. I hated that place, the moment I stepped into it. No, I hated it before my father had even driven me to my first day. It wasn’t my previous school. My latest group of friends were not there. The attitudes and behavior of the students was so different than that of the American children. The teachers were more demanding and more strict. Even at that age, everyone was talking about grades and the future. It was too much.”
Kaname let out an exasperated sigh. Years later, she could feel what she had felt at that time.
“Even before my mother died, things were bad for me. I can understand now, that I brought most of it on myself; but, that was not something I could possibly see at the time. A month before my mother died, I was given three days house detention for doing malicious damage to school property. I broke things. I had gotten so angry, that I threw things all across my classroom. I wrote angry things on the walls with markers. I ripped things up and tore things down.” Kaname’s hands clenched. She was embarrassed now for what she had done then. “I did worse things later, but the authorities were lenient after my mother passed away.”
"You were frustrated. You felt you had no control over things. You felt alienated... alone... unwanted." Sousuke remembered his first days in the mujahideen camps. He had been thrown to live with the dogs. Until he proved his worth, the only ones who showed him the slightest bit of kindness were the camp followers.
Kaname nodded.
Sousuke couched his next words carefully. Captain Testarossa had once told him about something that Kaname had told her when they were both being held prisoner by A21. “You wanted to kill yourself, Kaname?”
Kaname was shocked. How had Sousuke known that? Was he guessing? Had he felt the same way himself at some time?
“Yes. Later. How….”
Sousuke looked at Kaname for a moment without speaking “You told that to someone once. I did not know whether or not it was merely an exaggeration. I shall not mention the name, as it is not one you would wish to hear.”
“Oh.” Kaname frowned momentarily. “Yes. I did tell her, didn’t I?” Kaname thought back to the holding cell that she and Tessa had shared. For a moment, her eyes brightened, even though her face looked pained. “I also remembering her saying something you couldn’t hear, because she had you shut off Arbalest’s external sensors.”
Sousuke’s look grew worried.
“Let me see. How did it go? Ah yes, she said that she thought that she might be falling in love with a certain sergeant.” Kaname watched Sousuke’s face as that statement got past his original shock. If she wasn't feeling so solemn at the moment, she might have pulled a muscle laughing.
"The Captain...." Souske was well aware that Tessa had been chasing after him. But, hearing things put in those terms had him rattled.
“She also implied that the two of us were in competition for that sergeant. Do you think we should tell her who won?” Kaname still had her mischievous side in working order.
“Uh… you do not wish to be a poor sport, do you Kaname?” Sousuke was actually perspiring.
Kaname’s look told Sousuke precisely what she wished to do.
She managed a grin. Teasing Sousuke had lifted her spirits some.
With him by her side, she had been able to speak about her past without retreating back inside her shell. The irony had her smiling. He was probably the most withdrawn person she had ever met.
At least he used to be.
Watching him watch her, Kaname felt some more of the weight lift away from her. For some reason, it felt easier for her to continue.
“There were times when I wished that I could die too, Sousuke. The students at the school treated me terribly. My life was miserable enough as it was, but that made it far worse. At the time, I felt unfairly picked on and ostracized. I realize now that my own behavior probably contributed to a lot of it.” Kaname sighed, thinking about just how much additional pain she had caused herself.
“I grew stronger though, in a way. After a while, I began smiling and having a good time again, despite the way I felt. In its own way, that too ended up being a problem.”
“Kaname?” Sousuke couldn’t fathom how being stronger was deleterious.
“My father’s career called for him to return to the States. He must have debated a long time with himself, deciding what to do about me. There was no question about Ayame needing to go back with him. I was a great big question mark. If he knew how I was truly feeling, he never would have enrolled me in a Japanese high school. As it was, he came to believe that it would be important for me to finally find a place I could call home. He expected that I would want to attend a Japanese university some day, and believed that going to a Japanese high school would best prepare me for the examinations.” Kaname turned to a page showing her farther and Ayame waving as they walked through the airport.
“That wasn’t easy for me either.” She had broken down and cried when their plane had taken off.
“But you did very well at Jindai, Kaname. You were well respected and had many friends.” Sousuke was all the more amazed by the things that Kaname had accomplished, having heard her history.
“Yes, Sousuke. It was a fresh start. I had learned to deal with my sorrows. I needed something to do, to take my mind off of other things that were painful to me. Even though I understood my father’s reasoning… and agreed with it myself… it still felt as if he had abandoned me. It’s silly, I know…. But that’s how I felt." Kaname closed the album.
"Making friends sort of made up for all that. I found a lot of ways to prove things to myself. Being an over-achiever… and getting noticed for it… somehow made me feel better about myself and my life.” She looked over at Sousuke. “At least until some scraggly looking new boy showed up at school with a gun in his bookcase….”
“Uh….”
“Yes, you know what happened after that.” Kaname stood up and stretched. She felt relieved, simply because she had finished doing something she had been dreading. It hadn’t been a comfortable thing to do… and she would probably have to deal with fresh feelings of guilt and sorrow and loss… but, she was done.
Hopefully Sousuke could now begin to understand some of the reasons behind her treatment of him when he left Tokyo.
And to make sense of the way that she had initially treated him when he came to Jindai High School….
She was too emotionally spent to specifically spell out why she had felt a need for order in her life, and why she had needed stability, not surprises. There would be another time when she could talk further about her need to be in control of things. She could also wait to explain why she had been viewed as an idol, and how no boy had any interest in her in a meaningful way, until a certain clueless misfit appeared.
Yes. There were other points she could make.
Just not tonight.
“Affirmative.” Sousuke nodded his head, a thoughtful expression on his face. “It certainly explains a lot of things, Kaname.”
“So… do you still want a woman with that much baggage as a girlfriend?” Kaname spoke in a flippant manner, but her posture gave away how she was truly feeling.
“Yes,” Sousuke said, not wanting to answer so quickly that Kaname would think he was merely making a rote response. “If anything, I believe it leaves me feeling more impressed with you than before.”
He felt good when he saw Kaname’s eyes grow watery. “It took a very strong person to survive all that. It takes a very special person to face so much adversity and still be able to care so much about others.”
Kaname reached out and caressed Sousuke’s arm slowly, a smile forming on her face.
Sousuke had another thought. It would probably not be wise to act on it. Especially, since the observation was based on something that Kurz Weber had once exclaimed in his presence, looking at Sgt. Major Mao when she was carrying her gear towards an awaiting helicopter.
He decided to say it anyway.
“Besides, it is very attractive baggage that you are carrying.” He looked Kaname up and down, feeling a bit self-conscious in the process.
“What… oh… OH!” Kaname pinched Sousuke’s arm. “Baggage, is it? Well let me tell you something Mr. Complimentary. I don’t care if we go away together on a trip some day or not. You’ll be the last person handling MY baggage….”
Kaname's mood continued to lift. She was up for a challenge.
Sousuke blushed briefly, but was not incapacitated or concerned.
“It is not a problem.” That ought to do it.
“What?” The nerve of him not appreciating her. And after she had gone through all that to offer him an explanation. Hmppff! Kaname's mock indignation breathed more life into her.
“As I understand it, all girls come with SOME baggage.” Sousuke was growing more comfortable with innuendo and inferences all the time. Kurz and Melissa would be shocked indeed. He could only imagine their faces the next time they became embroiled in one of their games and he joined in.
Kaname narrowed her eyes and began tapping her fingers against her thigh. She certainly wasn’t too pleased with the idea of Sousuke becoming too observant regarding other girl’s ‘baggage.’ He was joking of course, making a different play on words. That didn’t mean he should be excused, however.
The problem was, she was too emotionally drained to think of a comeback right then.
“I’m going to have to ask you for a rain check, Sousuke.” She gave him a very reasonable look.
“Kaname?” Sousuke looked perplexed. Kaname was glad he didn’t make some remark about the weather.
“A rain check, Sousuke. Sheesh. I guess that’s what happens when you have to cheat your way into college. Hmmppff!” Kaname smiled, enjoying the sour expression on Sousuke’s face.
“A rain check was a ticket for future use issued to spectators at an outdoor event that has been postponed or interrupted by rain. In this case, you can consider it a voucher entitling you to receive at a later date…. for the same price…. a special service that is temporarily out of stock.”
Sousuke still looked befuddled.
“I’m too exhausted to put you in your place in the manner you deserve. We’ll save that for another day, OK?” Kaname smiled, showing all of her teeth.
Sousuke’s look made her feel triumphant.
As Sousuke opened his mouth to answer, a huge clap of thunder followed almost immediately on the heels of a great flash of lightning. As the couch was situated directly beneath a window, and the blinds were open, the natural occurrence mimicked an explosion.
The young soldier’s instinctual reactions took over.
In one fluid motion, he pushed Kaname over and covered her with his body. He looked around to take stock of the situation. “I apologize. It was only thunder and lightning.”
Catching her breath, a surprised Kaname realized what must have happened. Big otaku idiot! But, the situation had certain advantages.
“Uh huh. Nice try, soldier. No doubt you were looking for an excuse to put me in my place.” Kaname grinned.
“Kaname, I----“
“This is my place, Sousuke….” She wrapped her arms around his neck.
“But… I… uh….”
“Aren’t you going to kiss me now?” Kaname gave Sousuke a sly and sultry look, readjusting her position slightly to something more comfortable.
Sousuke stared down at Kaname, his heart pounding. He wanted to do just as Kaname had asked. The urge to kiss her was near uncontrollable. Still, he wanted to do it on his own terms.
“Can I ask for another rain check, Kaname?” That would suffice. He hoped that she wouldn’t change her mind, though.
Kaname smiled. “No.” She pulled him down to her.
She sighed.
It was time.
The wounds she had from long ago were stronger. Time hadn’t taken away their ability to sting and bite.
Sousuke was looking on patiently, a look of concern on his face.
Kaname respected him for that. He had been through so much, that he could have burned out altogether.
He didn’t.
There was no way to miss the fact that he was still affected and influenced by his past life; but, he still showed an ability to learn and grow. And, with all the pain and suffering he had gone through, he could have grown blind to suffering in others… blind, or uninterested.
He hadn’t.
She hoped that she could help him reach his potential. Sousuke could end up being something very special. No, he was that already. He could end up being more than he was.
“Would you like any coffee or tea, Sousuke? Soda?”
“No, thank you. But I will get you some, if you wish.” Sousuke began to stand up.
Kaname shook her head. She looked at the album. Taking a deep breath, she opened it.
“He’re me as a baby, Sousuke.” It was a picture of her in her mother’s arms. It had been taken at their first home. Her mother looked so beautiful.
They spent some time looking at pictures from Kaname’s early childhood.
“This is a picture of me when I was seven, Sousuke.” Kaname pointed to a picture of her playing outside in the snow. “That’s my sister. Her snow suit was way to large for her.”
“You had short hair, Kaname?” Sousuke replied. He ran his hand over the photograph gingerly.
“What are you feeling, Sousuke?” Kaname’s voice was low. She had seen a look in the young man’s eyes that she couldn’t place.
“It must be nice, having pictures of your youth.” Sousuke’s thoughts went deeper than that. He thought that it must have been nice having that kind of existence when one is young. “You also have a sister.”
“Do you have any family at all, Sousuke?” Kaname knew that Sousuke’s mother and father had been killed by soldiers in Afghanistan.
“No. I had a brother and sister. They died with my parents, Only I managed to escape. There was a place I used to hide when I was scolded.” Sousukes face went blank.
Kaname caressed Sousuke’s cheek. Sousuke had one-upped her again, in a sense. Yet, she felt no competitiveness now.
Neither of them had deserved what they had gone through before. If anything, they deserved some happiness now.
“Do you remember them, Sousuke? Do you have any pictures?” Kaname wished she could somehow give him some if he didn’t. If she had the chance, she would find a way to get pictures of the two of them whenever she able.
“I barely remember my father. He was strong and kind. When he had time, he carved things for me and told me stories. My mother’s face has not faded as much as my father’s. It was the first thing I saw when I woke most mornings. She held me a lot, and would comfort me when I was hurt or frightened. My brother and sister would follow me around. They would try to do all the things that I did. I do not remember much of what they looked like.” Sousuke ran his fingers over another picture of Kaname, roughly similar in age.
“Oh. I’m so sorry, Sousuke.” She put her hand on Sousuke’s and interlaced their fingers. “This is another picture of me when I was seven.” Kaname tightened her grip on Sousuke’s hand. “A month or so after this picture, I ran away from home.”
“Were you under attack, Kaname?” Sousuke looked startled. Kaname had a home. Why else would she had wished to leave such a place?
“No, Sousuke. I just wanted to run away. I didn’t really understand why until later.” Kaname’s eyes looked troubled.
“My mother and father fought a lot. It was loud. I was frightened. I think I may have come to believe that I was at fault.” Kaname swallowed hard.
“My parents loved each other. But, in those days, my father’s job wasn’t going well, I’ve been told. There were a lot of stresses on him. I also had some problems at school. I had a speech impediment, and the other children made fun of me.”
“Your voice is beautiful now.” Sousuke felt an urge to tell that to Kaname. He had never spoken to anyone who told him about a bad childhood. He wished that Kaname had not had to face that.
But, he somehow felt closer to her now.
“Thank you, Sousuke. I’m glad you think so. Do I have a beautiful voice when I shout at you, too?” Kaname managed a smile. She mussed Sousuke’s hair, then laughed when he made a face. Then, her face went serious again. “My father’s voice was very scary when he shouted. Especially if he ever shouted at me.”
“Did your father strike you, or your mother?” Sousuke had to work up the nerve to ask. It was more difficult discussing someone else’s difficult times than it was reminiscing about his own.
“I never saw him hit my mother. He wasn’t really angry at her. He was frustrated, and under a great deal of stress. It wasn’t her fault. He struck me sometimes, and it frightened me. But, it didn't happen very often, and he always held me afterwards, sorry that he hurt me.” Kaname sat back a moment and worked a kink out of her wounded shoulder. It was still sore.
“I think part of the problem was that Ayame was a needy child. She got a lot of attention, when my parents didn’t have a lot to spare.”
“You felt abandoned? Left out?” Sousuke remembered references that Kaname had made to that kind of feeling in the past.
“No, not yet. That came later. I guess I just needed attention too, but didn’t get as much as I wanted. My parents were very busy, each of them working. They didn’t have a lot of time for each other as it was. Neither seemed to understand my point of view, I think. It made me think they didn’t care. My father would lecture me, telling me the right way to do things and the proper way to feel. Maybe I felt they didn’t respect me.” Kaname leaned over against Sousuke for a moment, closing her eyes.
Sousuke remained quiet until Kaname opened her eyes and sat up straight again. “You feel a need for attention now, Kanamae? You wish for people to understand you and respect you?”
“Yes,” Kaname answered. “You remember that. Kaname needs attention. And, a lot of it. Always agreeing with me is a great way to show respect. Kisses are too. That, and showering me with gifts.”
“Kaname?” Sousuke looked skeptical.
“I know you respect me, Sousuke. Don’t think that doesn’t mean a lot to me. It does. It did in high school too. You also paid attention back then. It may have mattered to my head that you did it as an assignment. But, my heart was glad that someone noticed me and took me seriously.” Kaname’s eyes filled with tears. “Thank you. I shouldn’t have been so hard on you Sousuke.”
“You were hard on me Kaname?” Sousuke tentatively stroked Kaname’s hair, keeping his hand still when she leaned her head against it. “That was nothing after Mithril training camp, or the time I spent in the mujihadeen. Even their name roughly translates to 'The Strugglers.' You did not harm me much.”
“That is not the point, Sousuke!” Kaname spoke in a mock shout. “If I say I was hard on you, then I was. It was an apology. Sheesh.”
Kaname moved her head and kissed Sousuke’s hand. “Big idiot!” After a few moments of silence, she got back to the business at hand.
“Things got better when my parents brought me back from the police station. It must have been a big eye opener to them. My father no longer yelled much at my mother after that, and he never struck me again, even when he disciplined me."
Kaname continued flipping through the pages, pointing out special memories and describing how she felt at those times. For a while, her life had been very happy.
“This is me when I was nearly ten. My father’s job required that he move to America.” Kaname stared at that picture, thinking. “That was very hard on me. My speech had been corrected, and I had finally begun making friends. I didn’t want to leave that. I didn’t want to leave Japan. I didn’t want to learn a new language or culture.” Kaname moved around some and looked at Sousuke. “In a way, I can imagine what things must be like for you Sousuke, when they uproot you from one place and plant you in another.”
“Yes. But, for me it is not as hard. Each of the places I go may not be as nice as the place before, but they are all a great deal better than the place that Mithril found me in.” Sousuke still felt a great debt of gratitude to the organization. “Though, there have been places that I wished very much that I could stay at.”
He didn’t need to give an example.
“I was so angry at my parents for dragging me to a place where I felt alone again. I grew rebellious for a while, but was too afraid to run away again. I hated the food. I couldn’t understand the television shows. All of the sights and sounds seemed wrong at first. I couldn’t go to school yet, and had to be tutored in Japanese until I learned English, and I did not WANT to learn English.” Kaname’s face looked angry now, just thinking about the past.
“Yes, English is a difficult language, but there are many others that are more difficult.” Sousuke nodded his head.
“Oh really, Mister Know So Very Much. Just how many languages do YOU speak, Sousuke?” Kaname was scowling, her lips pursed together.
“I was once fluent in Dari, and could understand some Pashto without being able to speak much. I am fairly well versed in English, as a disproportionate number of people in Mithril speak it, including my commanding officers. I also leaned a great many swear words from Sgt. Major Mao. I have a decent understanding of Russian. I know a few words in Khmer, Kurdish, and Spanish.” Sousuke did not seemed impressed with his own accomplishment. He had merely done what he had thought was necessary to be a good fighter, and then a good soldier.
“I see.” Kaname’s eyes narrowed for a moment. Then, she shook it off, and a sly smile creased her face. “I’m very disappointed to hear that. A lot of my friends know English. Now I can’t tell them any secrets when you’re around. Well, I guess I still can in Girl Language….”
“Girls have a secret language?” Sousuke looked shocked. Girls would be the last people he would expect to be able to keep anything secret. “That would explain a lot of things….”
The young soldier thought about what he knew of nushu, a single-sex writing system that Chinese scholars believe to be the only one of its kind. That exclusive language, with letters based on sound rather than ideas, may have developed as long ago as the third century.
Sounds rather than ideas? He would not mention that to Kaname.
The women in small areas of south central China had just wanted a way to express themselves. That was understandable. But, women these days---and Kaname in particular---had an over-abundance of ways to express themselves....
Kaname giggled. “I was just kidding, Sousuke. You’re cute when you’re gullible.”
Sousuke frowned. “Kaname, I’m not cute, I’m---”
“A Specialist. I KNOW, Sousuke!” Kaname couldn’t help herself. She started laughing at the expression on Sousuke’s face. Here she was discussing weighty matters, and she was laughing. She didn’t know if that were a good or a bad thing.
“I can’t wait to tell that one about the language to my friends. Melissa too, if I ever see her again.”
Sousuke opened his mouth mutely. Kaname noticed, and stopped laughing. She tried to put on a straight face. “It’s OK, Sergeant. I will not do anything that might damage the faith that your commanders have in you.” She had spoken in a very serious voice, but began laughing again as soon as she finished.
Sousuke looked scandalized. Then he narrowed his eyes and smiled. “Sometimes your sense of humor eludes me, Kaname. It is not a problem. When I return to Da Danaan for my next routine update in systems and subroutines, I will ask Tessa to explain things to me. No doubt she would be glad to assist me in any way necessary.
Kaname’s face froze.
Sousuke rubbed his hands together. He looked at Kaname. He did not smirk.
He didn’t need to.
“I will ask you to refrain from swearing in front of me, Sousuke. I’m a lady, after all.” Kaname looked very serious.
“Kaname?” Sousuke didn’t recall swearing.
“When you left Tokyo, 'Tessa' became a dirty word. I still haven’t gotten over it. Hmmppff!” Kaname smiled, hit Sousuke lightly in his uninjured shoulder, then pointed back at her photo album.
“It took me a while to adjust entirely. When I did, I picked up on a lot of the things that I had done before, finding different ways to do them in my new country. I ended up having more friends than before. I tried harder at sports, because I thought that my classmates would like me and accept me more that way. I also wanted to make my parents proud of me.” Kaname looked up a moment, stared off into space, then sighed.
“It was more than that. “I placed first in the Junior swimming contest in Chofu when I was eight. My parents made a big fuss over it, and wanted to see me excel in sports. I know now that they wanted me to find something to occupy myself, and to see just what I could become. To me….I guess… I thought my parents loved me more when I did well. It made me try harder. Because of that, I had a harder time understanding why they would take me away from my home.”
“Did you win more competitions, Kaname? After you moved….” Sousuke would guess that she did. He began to see some of the reasons for Kaname’s competitive nature. Also, he could see why she might have trouble letting too close to people. As a child, she must have always wondered when she would be forced to pick up and go.
In Tokyo, it had been him who had picked up and gone… away from her.
“Yes, Sousuke. I placed second in a large track and field tournament in the States when I was almost twelve. I have been involved in athletics in some fashion ever since.” Kaname looked at Sousuke’s inquisitive look. “I’m a member of the College softball club.” She smiled. “Want to join the team. If I remember correctly, you once tried to join our squad in high school.”
“My apologies, Kaname. My love for the sport left me, when I was struck on the back of the head by a base thrown by a crazed girl.” Sousuke kept a straight face. He rubbed the back of his head. “It still hurts sometimes.”
Kaname looked at Sousuke and squinted. “Well, I don’t know who would do a thing like that. But, I must say it worked wonders. You got better and better after that…. And look at you now. You owe that girl a lot of thanks.” She fluffed her hair. “In fact, if you ever meet her again, you should give her anything she wants. Immediately. Any time she asks.”
“I will do that,” Sousuke said. He saw Kaname smile a big smile. “After she apologizes to me.” He tried hard not to grin after seeing Kaname flinch.
“Well, don’t get your hopes up. No girl with any shred of pride would apologize to an otaku.” She turned her nose up. A few moments later she leaned over and whispered in Sousuke’s ear. “Unless she cares about him very much. I’m sorry, Sousuke.”
Sousuke looked at Kaname, then nodded his head. “That’s right, you did that to me as well. I almost forgot.” He then untied one shoe and began tying it better.
“Someone else ever do that to you Sousuke?” Kaname looked incredulous.
“Kaname, you are also cute when you are gullible.” Sousuke looked back down at the photo album. He thought a moment. Was it alright for a Specialist and one time member of the SRT to use the word ‘cute?’
Yes, if it made the woman he cared about happy.
It just wouldn’t do to have it become a habit.
Kaname opened her mouth, but closed it again. It was nice that Sousuke had called her cute… she would encourage that under different circumstances… but she was NOT about to yield another point to him.
“Things finally began going well for me again. I found that I had not only grown accustomed to America, but also had begun to love a lot of things about my new home.” Kaname’s face took on a sad look. She let out a long and shaky breath. She looked over at Sousuke. “Not to long after I won that last trophy…..” Her voice died on her.
Sousuke could guess what Kaname wanted to talk about next. He knew that her mother had died of cancer. Very slowly, he reached out and pulled some hair away from the front of her face. He had lost a mother he never got a chance to know too well, having only seen her through the eyes of a young boy. Kaname would have grown not only to love her mother, but also to see her as someone to model herself after and teach her the things needed to be a woman.
“I’m OK, Sousuke. Really.” Kaname moved Sousuke’s hand.
“My mother began having minor problems. Nothing anyone would pay much attention to, because they could be caused by so many different things. Indigestion. A reduced appetite. Constipation. Occasional nausea. If someone could just have seen reason to examine her then!” Kaname shook her head.
“I… I know there was no reason to do extensive tests at that point… but I later became angry at the doctors, and at my mother for not knowing what was wrong with her. That would come back to haunt me after she die. I blamed my father too….” She bowed her head and went silent.
A small number of tears fell from her eyes, making dark spots on her dress.
“I understand, Kaname.” Sousuke’s eyes looked down as well. He was uncomfortable seeing Kaname looking that way. “Today, I would say that Lt. Cmdr. Kalinin is the closest thing I have to a father. But, for a while, I blamed him for the death of my parents, because he was Russian.”
Sousuke ran his hand through his head. “I later learned that he had been censured by his superiors because he spoke out against atrocities. It was one of the reasons he eventually joined Mithril.”
Kaname looked over at Sousuke. She had always thought he was so clueless, because he didn’t understand the small things in daily life, and because his judgment in a civilized environment was questionable at best. But, he had insights that few other people might have, simply because he had been forced to deal with so many things at so many points throughout his life.
“I said a lot of wrong things to him, Kaname. He turned out to be the one who fought hardest to bring me into the organization, and to add me to the training queue for the SRT.” He rubbed at his eyes. “We all make mistakes towards those we care about, or for those who care about us.”
Kname was grateful for those words. She knew they would make her feel better later. At that moment, however, they had her shaking. Her throat went dry. She could help herself, beginning to sob.
“I’m so sorry, Sousuke. I… I was so hurt…. I… I… wanted to hurt you too, when you left.” The confession spilled out of her like water rushing past a demolished dam. “It wasn’t just to keep my own pain as little as possible.”
Sousuke moved to console her.
“No. Don’t touch me Sousuke. I don’t deserve that. Not when I have something like that inside of me.” Kaname put her face into one of the pillows on the couch, silencing her sobs. “I’m sorry.”
Sousuke felt stricken. Kaname’s secret did not hurt him. He had not been as kind to Melissa and Kurz as he could have been, when he was pulled back to Da Danaan. As part of Mithril, he had held them accountable to some degree as well. He was not proud of his actions. He stood up and walked out of the living room.
Kaname looked up from the pillow.
Was he going to leave?
Did he intend to abandon her for real this time?
Hadn’t she earned that?
After a few minutes, Sousuke returned, a towel draped over his hand. He walked over in front of Kaname and looked down at her. His eyes were very intense, and his face was drawn.
“I am very disappointed in you, Kaname Chidori.” The sound of his voice was deep, and full of emotion. Kaname swallowed hard, bowing her head. “If you think you can shock me with such an admission, you are mistaken. If you think you are undeserving of happiness because you struck out at someone who hurt you, what does that say about me. You refused to speak to me, You refused to read my letters and to write me in return. That hurt. It took effort, but I recovered.”
It was Sousuke turn to shiver some as a chill passed through him.
Kaname looked up at him, scarcely believing his words.
Why wasn’t he condemning her?
“People hurt me when I was younger, Kaname. When I was able, I took up arms and killed people just like them. They never recovered after that. They never had another chance have any emotions at all. I erased everything that those people might have gone on to be or do. They may have been soldiers fighting against the land I had learned to think of as home, but I doubt many if any were the actual one’s who had orphaned me.”
“Souske….” Kaname had stopped crying. Sousuke’s voice had gone completely flat. His face showed no sign of any emotion at all.
He turned his eyes towards Kaname. Seeing her, he opened his mouth. His eyes softened some.
“If you will not forgive yourself Kaname, does that mean that you will hate me for the things that I have done in my life?”
“No… Sousuke…. No. Those men you killed… they were bad men. You….”
“Kaname, they may not all have been bad men. They were soldiers doing their job.” Sousuke walked closer to Kaname. “When I left Tokyo, so…… was….. I…..” He shook his head, clenching his fists.
“We were soldiers doing our jobs. We hurt people. I hurt you. I left you. You were depending on me to protect you, and I abandoned you. You worked hard to prepare me for school, but I left that too. Am I supposed to hate you because you felt pain and acted on it?”
Kaname sat stunned, her mouth open. She didn’t know what to think. She didn’t know what to say.
“You have shown me a lot of pictures tonight, Kaname. Allow me to show you the person I have grown to respect above most others. I would like to show you the face of the only person who has given me reason to think about tomorrow with any kind of real hope.” he took away the towel he held. It had been covering a picture of Kaname and her friends at graduation. “She is right here. I believe you will find her face familiar.”
He was pointing to Kaname’s face.
Kaname sat wordlessly, her emotions swirling around her like a swarm of bees. She looked up at Sousuke through a haze of tears.
“I will give you some time alone,” Sousuke said. “I will go hang this picture where it belongs. After that, I will go for a short walk to clear my head, if I may.” He went to hang the picture. When he turned to head back, he saw Kaname in the hallway behind him. She was taking his coat off the wall rack. A moment later, she grabbed her own as well.
She looked over at him.
He looked back, wondering what she was thinking of doing. Was she going somewhere as well? If so, the evening might be over.
“Sousuke….” Kaname’s voice was very soft. “When we both go out for our time alone… can we walk together?”
Sousuke stared a moment, then nodded his head. “Affirmative. You need protection after dark, Kaname. Who knows what kind of trouble you might get into. It will be professional courtesy. You need not feel any debt.” He tilted his head some. “Unless you want to.”
“Oh. I see. Professional courtesy. Well, Sergeant Social, you seem to run into a bit of trouble on your own. Who knows what might happen if those girls were to corner you. We can’t have that, can we?” Kaname stood with her hands on her hips. At that moment, it was a good thing.
“No, we cannot. I will say however, I will do the better job of protecting.” He felt the impulse to grin, but did not.
“Really. And what makes you think that, Mr. Flip a Girl In Her Own Kitchen?” Kaname shook her fist at Sousuke.
“I’m a Specialist. By definition, I will be better. My apologies.” Sousuke did grin that time.
“Were a Specialist. Were. Specialists do NOT use the word ‘cute.’ Ever.” Kaname managed a smile, trumping Sousuke’s grin.
“Ah. If that is indeed true, I shall not be able to protect you. There would be no reason to accompany you then. Please, stay safe Kaname.” He walked towards the front door. Kaname stepped in front of him.
Sousuke gently picked Kaname up… turned around… and deposited her on her feet behind him. He then opened the door and stepped out into the chill evening air, his breath forming small clouds.
“You’re really going without me, Sousuke?” Kaname stood looking at him, biting her lip.
“Only if you want to stay at home, Kaname.” He held out his hand.
Kaname smiled. Then, she furrowed her brow. “Sousuke! Don’t be stupid. I’m not going the leave until I put my coat on!” When she was finished, she walked outside, locked her door, then gave Sousuke a hug. “You shouldn’t be this good to me, you know.”
“Kaname?”
“I might not give you permission to leave me again.” Kaname ran down the steps up to her apartment. “Well, why aren’t you down here already?”
Sousuke broke out of his reverie. He wasn’t about to tell her that her words had started him thinking about the future. Even he had no idea where such thoughts might lead.
“I enjoyed watching you walk down the stairs, Kaname.” That one ought to do well.
Kaname ran back up to him. He thought she was going to hug him or kiss him. Maybe even grab his hand and pull him down the stairs.
He was wrong.
“OK, I’ll do it again, then.” Kaname tossed her hair.
She did.
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The calmness of the weather had been deceptive.
With the storm seeming to have passed, neither Kaname nor Sousuke had thought about bringing an umbrella.
Each of their thoughts had been somewhat jumbled.
Both needing to cleanse their palates in an emotional sense, the young couple made their way to a small and secluded cafe, taking in the sights and sounds of the night time streets. Sitting down at a well worn table near a koi pool, Kaname ordered a spiced latte and Sousuke asked for a glass of mineral water.
As the establishment’s clientele smoked, drank, ate, lounged, and conversed, the world seemed to shrink in size for the pair of one-time Jindai High School students. As far as Kaname was concerned, Sousuke was the only other person existing at that moment. Sousuke was also affected by the mood. His vigilance was restricted to the ring of tables nearest to them, rather than the entire cafe and the street outside.
For her part, Kaname filled Sousuke in on the whereabouts and lives of their previous classmates. Sousuke gave Kaname the run down on the people that she knew in Mithril.
“Kurz and Melissa?!!” Kaname looked shocked after hearing one story.
“Yes. Once. While the two of them had been stranded in an abandoned cabin behind enemy lines. Things had looked bleak. They discovered a cache of alcoholic beverages.” Sousuke shook his head. Kurz still crowed about that night from time to time, despite the fact that it earns him a rather painful response from Melissa.
Kaname wrapped her hair around her finger absent-mindedly. “You never got stranded in a cabin with anyone, did you Sousuke?” Kaname’s mouth was asking one question, but her heart wanted to know the answer to another.
Sousuke nodded his head. “Once. In Cambodia. A young peasant girl helped to tend my wounds.” Sousuke thought back in time, remembering a time where bad intelligence almost lead to a terrible outcome. Members of the ousted Khmer Rouge had stayed in contact with one another and helped facilitate a plot by one of Mithril’s shadowy rivals. “She looked somewhat like you did in high school.”
Kaname started coughing, having aspirated a small amount of her latte.
“Kaname, are you alright?” Sousuke pushed his chair back and began to stand.
“I-I...” Cough. “I-I-I’m...” Cough. Cough. “It’s OK, Sousuke.” Kaname fought more to control her surging suspicions than to normalize her ability to speak. Coughing a few more times, she chided herself over her reaction to anything that Sousuke might have done in the past.
Sousuke sat looking at Kaname a moment. Better able to read people and examine things in a social context, he had an idea of what had caused her reaction. “There was no intimacy between us, Kaname.”
Kaname began coughing again. “R-Really....” Cough. “Well, i-it’s none of my concern, anyway.” Cough.
Sousuke looked across the table at her a bit longer, noticing how the candle flame was mirrored in her eyes at certain angles. “I see.” His inflection was subtle, but there was no doubt that he had seen through Kaname’s response.
Kaname frowned for a moment. There were obviously certain drawbacks about a wiser and more observant Sousuke. She smiled. She would just have to persevere.
It was a dirty job, but someone had to do it.
When they had finished with their drinks and pleasant conversation, the two of them mutually decided that it was time to head back to Kaname’s apartment. They hadn’t walked too far before the sky opened up again. Fortunately, they could run under an awning outside of a darkened shop. Not too long after that, Sousuke decided to try flagging down a Taxi the conventional way.
Kaname asked him whether or not he minded her using her prior method, just for old time’s sake.
In answer, Sousuke pulled down on the awning, sending a stream of water splashing down at Kaname’s feet. Her shoes and stockings were soaked. Smiling, she tried to do the same thing to Sousuke, but only managed to drench herself from head to toe.
“Don’t you say word! So help me God, if you do... I’ll put you in the hospital this time....” Kaname couldn’t help but laugh.
“It is not a problem, Kaname. It is nothing more than friendly fire. Unfortunate, but unavoidable at times.” Sousuke expected that the otaku reference would spark Kaname.
He was right.
“Ooooooh!” With all her might, Kaname pushed Sousuke out near a large puddle, just as a bus came thundering by. A huge sheet of water jumped upward and outward from the deep gutter.
With an exquisite move, Sousuke ducked down and slid, avoiding the water. Kaname, on the other hand, took the torrent full on. Before she knew it, she was standing there sputtering, water running off of her in small streams.
“At least that will help rinse out the detergent from your food stains, Kaname.” A dry Sousuke was back under the awning.
Kaname fumed. Damn that Sousuke.
He was still dry!
Smiling, Kaname slowly strode towards him, her shoes making an odd squishing noise with each step. “Sousuke. I’m cold. I need a b-i-i-i-i-i-g hug.” She smiled when she saw his eyes widen. “And a long one, too.”
That would get him pretty wet himself.
Salvation came in the shape of a taxi cab. Kaname refrained from following up with her plan once they inside the car. First, who knew what the driver might think. Second, Sousuke didn’t have a spare set of clothes. She could change at home, but he couldn’t.
While it might be fun to picture Sousuke wearing her robe... or that apron... while his clothes dried, she knew he would never go for that. He also would not simply go home and change. No, the stoic idiot would simply sit in her living room wet and uncomfortable.
Worse, he would make some otaku comment on how he had been in much worse situations.
Sometimes, she was just going to have to let Sousuke have his victories.
He wasn't due another one for at least a month
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When they both made it to Kaname’s apartment, the couch was still there waiting for her. While Sousuke leafed through the photo albums, Kaname went and changed into something dry and casual. After she sat back down next to him, she took up her tale where she had left off.
“When my mother began vomiting frequently, she went to see a doctor. They ran a number of tests and found blood in her stool. That led to a more directed examination. To make a long story short, they found that she had stomach cancer. That was devastating to all of us, as you can imagine. It was just one more thing that had me believing that fate was against me.” Kaname pointed to one picture.
“She was very brave, Sousuke. See that smile? This picture was taken not to long after we received the bad news.” Kaname teared up.
“You take after your mother, then.” Sousuke placed his hand on Kaname’s.
“Thank you, Sousuke.” Kaname turned the page. “I promised my parents that I would be good. I swore to the heavens, that I would do whatever they wanted me to do, if only my mother would get better. I ran harder. I spent more time doing my schoolwork. I tried to help Ayame understand, and had her help me do chores to make things easier for my mother.”
Sousuke listened attentively. He realized something about having a family. It gave you people to love. It also gave you people to mourn. It came down to a matter of degree and good fortune.
“It was a terrible time." Kaname hung her head. "Cancer of the stomach is not very common in the United States, but is in Japan. But, it was rare in someone my mother’s age. I had been in the room when the doctor discussed things with my parents. Hearing that gave me one more reason to be angry at the world." She looked over at Sousuke to see if he understood the point she was trying to make.
Sousuke nodded his head.
"There was more to make me angry. That kind of tumor was two times more frequent in men than women. Obviously she was not a man. There were a number of common risk factors. She had none of them. I later learned that a diet high in fruits and vegetables could reduce the risk of someone getting the disease. She ate plenty of both.” Kaname slammed her hand down on the book.
Sousuke refrained from offering Kaname comfort. She knew that he was there. They both now knew that he cared for her. This was something she needed to work through again.
“She was scheduled for surgery. I was so afraid that she was going to die from that, Sousuke. I almost ran away again. I was also afraid of what the surgery would show, and what examination of her specimen by pathologists might reveal. The doctor had gone on to discuss her chances, when I was there during the one visit. I should have stayed out of the room. The things that he mentioned that would make things very bad… if they were not bad enough… were not found in her stomach. I know, because I asked my mother to tell me what her report showed.” Kaname looked over at Sousuke.
“The things that would suggest worse prognosis were not there? You mistakenly took unrealistic hope from that?” Sousuke was certain that must have been the case.
“Yes. I also mistakenly believed that the radiation therapy and chemotherapy could be cures. They aren't. They simply serve to relieve symptoms and slow the progression of disease. Not only did they not cure her, but they caused my mother more discomfort than the tumor originally had.” Kaname shook her head, trying to stop from seeing a particularly painful memory.
"Your trust in other people suffered. Other people failed you, so you eventually came to rely only on yourself alone." Sousuke could say the same things about his earlier self.
Kaname nodded, before continuing.
“I watched her slowly deteriorate, Sousuke. It hurt me terribly. I couldn’t understand why such a good and wonderful person had to suffer like that. I asked myself why someone should bother behaving or working hard, if they could be punished when they had done nothing wrong.”
“I see,” Sousuke said, feeling a need to speak about something himself. “My parents were in Afghanistan doing charitable work of some sort. As much as I can recall, they were well thought of by the people of Kabul. I believe I had similar questions as a child, when they died without doing anything wrong.”
Kaname looked at Sousuke for a moment, blinked repeatedly, then resumed talking.
“My father was probably struck harder than anyone, with the exception of my mother. In retrospect, I realize just how brave he had been, and how hard he tried to keep things as normal as possible for Ayame and me.” Kaname bowed her head. She looked at a picture of her father holding her mother.
“I grew very angry at him though. Maybe I thought that coming to America gave my mother cancer. I may have simply bristled at his insistence that my sister and I had allow our mother sufficient time to rest. I would later come to think that he had stolen from me what few moments I had left with my mother.”
Sousuke felt very uncomfortable, seeing someone bear her soul this way. But, he was realized it was important. It would provide him with explanations for why Kaname was the way that she was.
More importantly, it would help Kaname find peace.
"Are you still angry at your father today, Kaname?" Sousuke hoped that Kaname had a strong relationship with her family.
"No Sousuke. I love my father very much. I do have trouble with authority figures from time to time. And, I once had trouble accepting someone who was assigned to protect me." She gave Sousuke a poignant look.
Kaname was quiet for a few moments, just leafing through the album and thinking of some of the pleasant memories she had. In time, she looked up at Sousuke and began again.
“Because my mother did not want to die in a foreign land… and because of the timing of school Japan , we moved back home in time for me to enroll in Junior High School. My lateness of application meant that I had to settle for one of the less requested schools. That was a minor thing to me. I had grown to love the nation I had once dreaded. I left a lot of friends behind me, again. My mother had entered her terminal stages. It was horrible.” Kaname’s face was pale.
She couldn’t help but see an image of her mother, so tired and frail looking.
Why did she have to remember that?
Why?
“She died three months after I started school. We were all terribly devastated. I can’t describe a lot of what I felt at the time. I know that I came to be angry at my mother for leaving us. I know it doesn't make any sense, but I blamed her for abandoning me.” Kaname’s eyes welled with tears again. “I began wondering when my father and Ayame were going to leave me as well. I didn’t want to care about anyone ever again. Not family. Not friends. No one.”
Sousuke found himself feeling numb just from hearing Kaname’s past. He couldn’t have imagined how she could have felt, despite having lived through his own series of hardships.
“I was unhappy at home, Sousuke. But, that was nothing compared to how I felt at school. I hated that place, the moment I stepped into it. No, I hated it before my father had even driven me to my first day. It wasn’t my previous school. My latest group of friends were not there. The attitudes and behavior of the students was so different than that of the American children. The teachers were more demanding and more strict. Even at that age, everyone was talking about grades and the future. It was too much.”
Kaname let out an exasperated sigh. Years later, she could feel what she had felt at that time.
“Even before my mother died, things were bad for me. I can understand now, that I brought most of it on myself; but, that was not something I could possibly see at the time. A month before my mother died, I was given three days house detention for doing malicious damage to school property. I broke things. I had gotten so angry, that I threw things all across my classroom. I wrote angry things on the walls with markers. I ripped things up and tore things down.” Kaname’s hands clenched. She was embarrassed now for what she had done then. “I did worse things later, but the authorities were lenient after my mother passed away.”
"You were frustrated. You felt you had no control over things. You felt alienated... alone... unwanted." Sousuke remembered his first days in the mujahideen camps. He had been thrown to live with the dogs. Until he proved his worth, the only ones who showed him the slightest bit of kindness were the camp followers.
Kaname nodded.
Sousuke couched his next words carefully. Captain Testarossa had once told him about something that Kaname had told her when they were both being held prisoner by A21. “You wanted to kill yourself, Kaname?”
Kaname was shocked. How had Sousuke known that? Was he guessing? Had he felt the same way himself at some time?
“Yes. Later. How….”
Sousuke looked at Kaname for a moment without speaking “You told that to someone once. I did not know whether or not it was merely an exaggeration. I shall not mention the name, as it is not one you would wish to hear.”
“Oh.” Kaname frowned momentarily. “Yes. I did tell her, didn’t I?” Kaname thought back to the holding cell that she and Tessa had shared. For a moment, her eyes brightened, even though her face looked pained. “I also remembering her saying something you couldn’t hear, because she had you shut off Arbalest’s external sensors.”
Sousuke’s look grew worried.
“Let me see. How did it go? Ah yes, she said that she thought that she might be falling in love with a certain sergeant.” Kaname watched Sousuke’s face as that statement got past his original shock. If she wasn't feeling so solemn at the moment, she might have pulled a muscle laughing.
"The Captain...." Souske was well aware that Tessa had been chasing after him. But, hearing things put in those terms had him rattled.
“She also implied that the two of us were in competition for that sergeant. Do you think we should tell her who won?” Kaname still had her mischievous side in working order.
“Uh… you do not wish to be a poor sport, do you Kaname?” Sousuke was actually perspiring.
Kaname’s look told Sousuke precisely what she wished to do.
She managed a grin. Teasing Sousuke had lifted her spirits some.
With him by her side, she had been able to speak about her past without retreating back inside her shell. The irony had her smiling. He was probably the most withdrawn person she had ever met.
At least he used to be.
Watching him watch her, Kaname felt some more of the weight lift away from her. For some reason, it felt easier for her to continue.
“There were times when I wished that I could die too, Sousuke. The students at the school treated me terribly. My life was miserable enough as it was, but that made it far worse. At the time, I felt unfairly picked on and ostracized. I realize now that my own behavior probably contributed to a lot of it.” Kaname sighed, thinking about just how much additional pain she had caused herself.
“I grew stronger though, in a way. After a while, I began smiling and having a good time again, despite the way I felt. In its own way, that too ended up being a problem.”
“Kaname?” Sousuke couldn’t fathom how being stronger was deleterious.
“My father’s career called for him to return to the States. He must have debated a long time with himself, deciding what to do about me. There was no question about Ayame needing to go back with him. I was a great big question mark. If he knew how I was truly feeling, he never would have enrolled me in a Japanese high school. As it was, he came to believe that it would be important for me to finally find a place I could call home. He expected that I would want to attend a Japanese university some day, and believed that going to a Japanese high school would best prepare me for the examinations.” Kaname turned to a page showing her farther and Ayame waving as they walked through the airport.
“That wasn’t easy for me either.” She had broken down and cried when their plane had taken off.
“But you did very well at Jindai, Kaname. You were well respected and had many friends.” Sousuke was all the more amazed by the things that Kaname had accomplished, having heard her history.
“Yes, Sousuke. It was a fresh start. I had learned to deal with my sorrows. I needed something to do, to take my mind off of other things that were painful to me. Even though I understood my father’s reasoning… and agreed with it myself… it still felt as if he had abandoned me. It’s silly, I know…. But that’s how I felt." Kaname closed the album.
"Making friends sort of made up for all that. I found a lot of ways to prove things to myself. Being an over-achiever… and getting noticed for it… somehow made me feel better about myself and my life.” She looked over at Sousuke. “At least until some scraggly looking new boy showed up at school with a gun in his bookcase….”
“Uh….”
“Yes, you know what happened after that.” Kaname stood up and stretched. She felt relieved, simply because she had finished doing something she had been dreading. It hadn’t been a comfortable thing to do… and she would probably have to deal with fresh feelings of guilt and sorrow and loss… but, she was done.
Hopefully Sousuke could now begin to understand some of the reasons behind her treatment of him when he left Tokyo.
And to make sense of the way that she had initially treated him when he came to Jindai High School….
She was too emotionally spent to specifically spell out why she had felt a need for order in her life, and why she had needed stability, not surprises. There would be another time when she could talk further about her need to be in control of things. She could also wait to explain why she had been viewed as an idol, and how no boy had any interest in her in a meaningful way, until a certain clueless misfit appeared.
Yes. There were other points she could make.
Just not tonight.
“Affirmative.” Sousuke nodded his head, a thoughtful expression on his face. “It certainly explains a lot of things, Kaname.”
“So… do you still want a woman with that much baggage as a girlfriend?” Kaname spoke in a flippant manner, but her posture gave away how she was truly feeling.
“Yes,” Sousuke said, not wanting to answer so quickly that Kaname would think he was merely making a rote response. “If anything, I believe it leaves me feeling more impressed with you than before.”
He felt good when he saw Kaname’s eyes grow watery. “It took a very strong person to survive all that. It takes a very special person to face so much adversity and still be able to care so much about others.”
Kaname reached out and caressed Sousuke’s arm slowly, a smile forming on her face.
Sousuke had another thought. It would probably not be wise to act on it. Especially, since the observation was based on something that Kurz Weber had once exclaimed in his presence, looking at Sgt. Major Mao when she was carrying her gear towards an awaiting helicopter.
He decided to say it anyway.
“Besides, it is very attractive baggage that you are carrying.” He looked Kaname up and down, feeling a bit self-conscious in the process.
“What… oh… OH!” Kaname pinched Sousuke’s arm. “Baggage, is it? Well let me tell you something Mr. Complimentary. I don’t care if we go away together on a trip some day or not. You’ll be the last person handling MY baggage….”
Kaname's mood continued to lift. She was up for a challenge.
Sousuke blushed briefly, but was not incapacitated or concerned.
“It is not a problem.” That ought to do it.
“What?” The nerve of him not appreciating her. And after she had gone through all that to offer him an explanation. Hmppff! Kaname's mock indignation breathed more life into her.
“As I understand it, all girls come with SOME baggage.” Sousuke was growing more comfortable with innuendo and inferences all the time. Kurz and Melissa would be shocked indeed. He could only imagine their faces the next time they became embroiled in one of their games and he joined in.
Kaname narrowed her eyes and began tapping her fingers against her thigh. She certainly wasn’t too pleased with the idea of Sousuke becoming too observant regarding other girl’s ‘baggage.’ He was joking of course, making a different play on words. That didn’t mean he should be excused, however.
The problem was, she was too emotionally drained to think of a comeback right then.
“I’m going to have to ask you for a rain check, Sousuke.” She gave him a very reasonable look.
“Kaname?” Sousuke looked perplexed. Kaname was glad he didn’t make some remark about the weather.
“A rain check, Sousuke. Sheesh. I guess that’s what happens when you have to cheat your way into college. Hmmppff!” Kaname smiled, enjoying the sour expression on Sousuke’s face.
“A rain check was a ticket for future use issued to spectators at an outdoor event that has been postponed or interrupted by rain. In this case, you can consider it a voucher entitling you to receive at a later date…. for the same price…. a special service that is temporarily out of stock.”
Sousuke still looked befuddled.
“I’m too exhausted to put you in your place in the manner you deserve. We’ll save that for another day, OK?” Kaname smiled, showing all of her teeth.
Sousuke’s look made her feel triumphant.
As Sousuke opened his mouth to answer, a huge clap of thunder followed almost immediately on the heels of a great flash of lightning. As the couch was situated directly beneath a window, and the blinds were open, the natural occurrence mimicked an explosion.
The young soldier’s instinctual reactions took over.
In one fluid motion, he pushed Kaname over and covered her with his body. He looked around to take stock of the situation. “I apologize. It was only thunder and lightning.”
Catching her breath, a surprised Kaname realized what must have happened. Big otaku idiot! But, the situation had certain advantages.
“Uh huh. Nice try, soldier. No doubt you were looking for an excuse to put me in my place.” Kaname grinned.
“Kaname, I----“
“This is my place, Sousuke….” She wrapped her arms around his neck.
“But… I… uh….”
“Aren’t you going to kiss me now?” Kaname gave Sousuke a sly and sultry look, readjusting her position slightly to something more comfortable.
Sousuke stared down at Kaname, his heart pounding. He wanted to do just as Kaname had asked. The urge to kiss her was near uncontrollable. Still, he wanted to do it on his own terms.
“Can I ask for another rain check, Kaname?” That would suffice. He hoped that she wouldn’t change her mind, though.
Kaname smiled. “No.” She pulled him down to her.
I did love hearing about Kaname's past, it was very well reasoned and makes sense both within the story and with canon. I will say, cutting off just as she pulls him down to kiss her..... you are -> 
Evil!! Their first kiss and we don't even get to see it onscreen???? 
Maybe Kaname could be the one in the know for once. 
a wonderful sultry kiss.... 
