[FIC] Higher Education (pt 17)
Posted: Fri Aug 13, 2004 12:29 am
All of the hallways were dimly lit, the rheostats turned down low.
It was almost eerie, walking through the building under those conditions. A single door on one floor had been left open. Bright light shone out of it.
That was where that big idiot would be!
The nerve of him. Just because she got him good, he had to get her better. At least her joke had been cute and funny. His prank was cruel and demeaning.
That was her story, and she was sticking to it.
“Please come in, Kaname. You are fully dressed, I presume?” Sousuke’s voice drifted down the hallway. But, she was four rooms away!
Damn his otaku hearing….
When Kaname stepped inside the room, she realized that it was Sousuke’s study. There was a small bookshelf… a number of world maps on the wall, seemingly for decoration… a large wooden desk… a nice computer… a fax-scanner-copier combo… and a very nice computer set-up. A bright halogen lamp mounted on a swing swivel arm shone light down upon the monitor, a precarious stack of books, and a disordered pile of typed papers.
Sousuke looked over at Kaname, a neutral look on his face. “My tour wasn’t enough?”
Kaname clenched her teeth. It had taken her a twenty minutes to track him down. “Sousuke….” Her voice was a touch irritated.
“I made these up. I thought they might be insulting, so I did not use them.” he held up a copy of a large arrow. Written in the center were the words ‘Sousuke is this way.’ “I thought it might serve you well to check out the available rooms, in case you do decided to stay here some day.
“Sousuke… you… you….” Kaname fought her temper. After all, she had started things, helped them along, and took what she thought was the coup de gras. She was still learning things about Sousuke. ‘How far she could push him’ was one thing. ‘His manner of retaliation’ was another.
She had almost said that she would not be staying there any time soon.
That wasn’t necessarily true, as she needed to take plenty of time to think things over. The last thing she wanted to do was cause Sousuke to remove the offer from the table.
“Kaname?” Sousuke looked ready to weather any storm. Kaname was actually glad to see that. Sousuke could take care of himself. She could say and do whatever felt right to her, without being too worried that she might offend him or turn his feelings against her.
“Is this your study, Sousuke?” Kaname already knew the answer, but wanted some way to bring things back on a shared playing field. “What are you working on?”
“Yes, Kaname. This is where I do my research and writing. I am working on a number of comparative essays. One details the similarities between the Samurai and the Spartans, some of the ultimate warriors in each of their times. Another touches on the similarities between the Samurai and Bushido on one hand, and the Knights and Chivalry on the other.”
“Oh. What class are they for?” Kaname thought Sousuke was fortunate to have a class that allowed him to exercise and exploit his otaku tendencies.
“They are not for a class, Kaname. Although, they might be useful some day. I am writing these for submission, either to military journals or some more mainstream literary source. I thought it would be a practical use of my time, as I have read much on those subjects over the years.” Sousuke tidied up his papers, then moved to fix the wobbling pile of books and journals.
“I see.” Kaname was surprised. She had never thought about Sousuke in regards to his intellect. She had been annoyed by his unintentional one-upmanship in class, and had held a pretty dim opinion of him in high school. For a moment, she wondered if his proclivity for research and writing might some day suggest a different career for him. “You read about those things when you were on the submarine?”
“Affirmative. Also when I was in the training camps. A soldier who was about to retire gave me some books on warfare throughout the ages. They caught my interest and helped me improve my ability to read. Italso gave me another reason to improve my English.” Sousuke turned off his light. “Would you like to retire to some place more comfortable? Or, have I angered you sufficiently that you wish me to walk you home?”
“I’m not angry any more, Sousuke.” She walked over and gave his a brief hug. Then abruptly, she stamped on his toe. “At least not too much.”
“I will need to start wearing steel-toes boots again,” Sousuke said, wincing. “While I’m at it, I should go back to uniforms, weapons, the like….”
“NO!” Kaname bit her lip. He was just kidding. Right? “No, Sousuke. Let’s go find that comfortable couch. Perhaps there will be another thunderstorm tonight….” She winked.
“Uh….” Sousuke caught himself too. Why should her hints make him uncomfortable? He had enjoyed their time together the night before. Part of him worried that things were moving too quickly for him to control. Another part thought it might good for him to have something he could not control. “Yes. I’ll show you there, then go get us something to drink.”
“That’s OK. I’ll walk with you. We can get things together. And, that way you won’t have a chance to disappear again. Hmmmpppfff!” She put her arm around Sousuke and helped usher him out into the hallway.
After they gathered what they wanted, Sousuke took her back to the top floor, this time leading her into the sitting area. He offered her the choice of an antique French sofa, or any number of hard-backed and stuffed chaired arranged throughout the room. She chose the sofa.
They both took a few moments to look out over the neighborhood beyond the rear-facing picture window. Kaname pulled Sousuke’s arm around her, just content to stand there with him for a while. These quiet times were so nice, especially compared to all of the danger and misadventures they had together when they were younger.
She realized how used to this she could get… this view… this building… the closeness to Sousuke.
It got her to thinking. She understood that she and Sousuke had only been dating for a very short period of time, but she felt like they had never parted before. There were things she wanted to know about him, and things he wanted him to understand about her.
It might be better to wait, but Kaname knew all too well that the unknown could reach out its great hand and grab Sousuke at any moment. If he did have to go away for any length of time, she wanted to be certain that she had said what was on her mind and in her heart.
Some things were just too important to take any chances with.
x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x
The lights were down low in the sitting area. Sousuke opened a number of windows, allowing a pleasant cool cross draft.
“Sousuke?” Kaname sat on the sofa, waiting for Sousuke. She placed her glass of fruit drink on a fancy coaster.
“Yes?” Sousuke noted the change in Kaname’s voice. He wondered if she had made a decision in answer to his offer, or was thinking about something that was important to her.
“Do you ever think about the future?” Kaname tried to remain on an even keel.
The way that Sousuke would answer the questions that she had would be very telling.
“Kaname?” Sousuke lit a number of wax tapers on the wall, putting their glass globes back in place when he was done. He had never felt any desire to light them before.
“You know. Have you given any thought to what you might be doing in a year… five years… ten years… stuff like that.” Kaname pushed her hair out of her face. “I have.”
Sousuke walked over to the sofa, moved a few fancy tassled pillows, and sat next to Kaname.
“Yes, Kaname. Some. Lately. Before that, I was not really concerned about things. I have grown accustomed to going where I’m sent, and handling things as they come up.” He put his drink down next to Kanames. “Perhaps if I had thought in that manner three years ago….” His face looked somewhat melancholy.
Kaname lowered her eyes a moment. She didn’t want to dwell on the past tonight. What was done was done. She was more concerned about the things that could be, and the things that would be.
A worrisome thought had her bite the inside of her cheek every so softly.
“Did you feel that way because you think you’re going to die in battle some day?” Her voice caught in her throat. “Do you care whether or not you die, Sousuke?” She hoped that Sousuke did not answer ‘yes’ to the first question, or ‘no’ to the second.
Sousuke stared at Kaname a while. He didn’t have to think about the question. Rather, he was trying to figure out Kaname’s context.
“I do not wish to die, Kaname. Given a choice, I would much rather live. Even without a beautiful woman sitting on my couch.” Sousuke watched Kaname closely. She did not blush. There was no happiness or gratitude in her expression. Her attention was focused on him and the answers she wanted.
Kaname remained silent. Sousuke went on to answer her other question.
“Do I think that I am going to die in battle? I do not worry about that. At least I have not up to now. To be able to perform my best, I approach each battle with the assumption that I am already dead.” Sousuke wondered how she would react to that statement.
Kaname’s eyes widened.
She opened her mouth to speak, unable to look Sousuke in the face for a moment. “D-Does that mean… you do not fight to stay alive? If you already think that you will die….then… but you just said….”
Kaname put his elbow on the back of the couch, and his chin on his hand. He watched Kaname’s eyes, trying to judge her mood.
“It will take a bit of an explanation, Kaname. It will be otaku, and it may well bore you. But, if you like, I will tell you what I mean… and expanding the subject, offer some insight into questions you may not have asked yet.” There were a number of things that he wanted to talk about himself. Hearing his own words would give himself a chance to analyze his own feelings.
“OK….” Kaname wanted desperately to understand what Sousuke meant. She hoped with all his heart that he wasn’t fatalistic, or some kind of fanatic. She had always carried that question close to her heart, never really wanting to ask it.
“I have spent most of my life getting by moment by moment and day by day. There was always a need to plan for missions, and to consider what skills, training, or practice might help me there. But, I was not concerned about life after the next battle. I am always aware that I might die in any fight, but I do not go in expecting to die. Do you remember the topics of those essays I’m writing?”
“Yes. What….” Kaname looked perplexed.
“I’m as much of a mystery to myself sometimes, as I must seem to you. I have no way of knowing how much of my personality and beliefs come from my parents. I am not certain how much has come from the other people I have subsequently came to know. Much could well come from things that I’ve seen, read, and been told.” Sousuke looked deep in though.
He closed his eyes and took a deep easy breath, then let it out.
“I sometimes think that I have taken unto myself, some of the things that the Samurai, the Spartans, and Knights held dear or found to be true for them.” Sousuke looked to see if understanding had begun to dawn in Kaname’s eyes.
Not surprisingly, it had not.
“Is this going to be a lecture, Sousuke? There are things I really want to know. I also have things that I really want you to know.” Kaname would gladly listen to Sousuke’s papers some day, but she didn’t want things to move too far off course.
“No, Kaname. As I implied, I think that I can anticipate some of your questions and concerns. I find that examples often help people understand someone else’s point of view. Such things will also help me organize my thoughts.” Sousuke ran his hand through his hair a couple of times, trying to find the words he wanted.
Kaname leaned back on the couch.
After looking at Sousuke for a moment, she nodded her head. “OK.”
“If one were asked to distill down to the essence what being a samurai was, he would say that it lay first in devoting one’s body and soul to his master. If one were then asked what mattered beyond this, he would say to fit oneself inwardly with intelligence, humanity, and courage. The combining of those virtues may seem unobtainable to anyone who was not a samurai. But, to them, it was it easy.” Sousuke knew that he was taking a somewhat roundabout route, but he wanted Kaname to understand some contextual things.
“Those are things that you have, Sousuke. At least, you have great humanity, courage, and devotion to Mithril.” Kaname stuck out her lower lip, a good natured sparkle in her eyes.
“Yes. Well, intelligence is nothing more than discussing things with others. Limitless wisdom comes from that. Humanity is something done for the sake of others, simply comparing oneself with them and putting them in the fore. Courage is gritting one’s teeth; it is simply doing that and pushing ahead, paying no attention to the circumstances. Anything that seems above those three things was not thought to be truly important. So, you can see, the samurai were not simply fierce warriors or stoic heroes.”
“I don’t understand how that relates to your thoughts about dying….” Kaname looked puzzled.
“You said ’OK,’ Kaname.” Sousuke leaned back on the couch himself.
“Sorry.” Kaname should have known that Sousuke had a purpose in mind.
Jerk.
“To a samurai, service was very important. Their name even meant ‘those who serve.’ A man was considered a good retainer to the extent that he earnestly places importance in his master, not his own well being. Mithril is my master, Kaname. Throughout my servitude, I have made it a point to advance daily, becoming more skillful than the day before. This is primarily for the purpose of being a good soldier, but also for my own personal benefit as well. The samurai believed that there was surely nothing other than the single purpose of the present moment. A man's whole life is a succession of moment after moment. If one fully understands the present moment, there will be nothing else to do, and nothing else to pursue. They sought to live being true to that principal.” Sousuke nodded his head. “Just as I used to.”
“I… I’ve changed that, Sosuke?” Kaname’s eyes went big.
Her lip quivered for a moment.
“Some.” Sousuke answered honestly. “Before, and recently. It’s too soon to see how strong it will hold, or how far it will take me.” He smiled, then rubbed his shoulder. “Remember high school? How I rushed into everything? The amount of thought I gave to the consequences? Some of that should make sense, now.”
“Oh….” Kaname’s throat tightened up a bit, thinking that she was having a positive effect on Sousuke. She could also look back on Sousuke’s past misadventures and confounding attitudes with some bit of understanding.
“Courage and sacrifice were important to the Samurai, Spartan, and Knight alike. The thought of death was one that was never far away from any of them. Each of those warriors could well be faced with almost certain death when going into battle. They prepared for that death, yet did not let it intrude in their fighting. With the Spartans, the war would be fought till all Spartans were dead or the battle had been won. That was not simply a casual disregard of life. They saw the State and the Law as worth dying for.”
Sousuke folded both hands together in his lap. Kaname continued to listen patiently.
“Dying in battle was the most honorable way in which the Spartans could die…. fighting for his country….his children…. the things he valued. I would not necessarily give my life for Mithril, Kaname. But I willingly risk it for those people that are unable to fight back for themselves.”
“Sousuke….” Kaname felt a lump in her throat. She reached out and touched Sousuke’s hand.
“Like the samurai, most knights acted as retainers to greater lords, more renown fighters, and the enforcers of policy and morality. Both were hired to protect the land and the people. I feel the same way myself, like a knight or Samurai in his armor, when I am strapped into an Arm Slave. Both types of warrior were supposed to follow a code of honor. I try to as well. There were significant ways in which the samurai and Spartans were different than the vast majority of knights.” Sousuke was glad that his research would actually serve a practical purpose.
Kaname opened her mouth a moment, intending to ask a question. She shook her head, then folded her hands and put them in her lap.
“You were going to say something?” Sousuke did not mind the interruption.
“No. It’s silly. You’re trying to explain things to me….” Kaname tried to brush away her own irrelevant question.
“No. Please. Go ahead.” Sousuke was curious what she had been thinking.
“I was just thinking… no, it really isn‘t important….” Kaname blushed.
Sousuke folded his arms across his chest. He began drumming his fingers against his upper arm. Kaname took notice and continued.
“If you think of yourself as a knight in armor… I was wondering if you would fight differently if you had a Lady waiting for you….” Kaname lowered her eyes.
“That would depend on whether or not I was any early knight, or one that lived later on. The earliest knights treated women very poorly, more like possessions. I can certainly see the benefit in that.” Sousuke kept a straight face.
“What?!” Kaname frowned. “You better NOT start thinking about me as your possession, Sousuke!”
“Hmmmm. You are someone else’s, then? Pity….” He did grin that time.
Kaname gave him the evil eye.
“But, when the crusaders returned to Europe, their view of women changed, after seeing how the Muslims treated their women. Courtly love… sweet songs… troubadours… those kind of things became popular. That kind of love between a knight and his ‘lady’ was very mature and romantic.” Sousuke watched for Kaname’s reaction.
“There you go. Thhat's what I want, Sousuke.” Kaname gave Sousuke a rather possessive look.
“That type of love, though, wasn’t very… hmm… uh… sexual.” Sousuke stiffened up a bit.
“Never mind then, Sousuke.” Kaname had spoken quickly without thinking. She turned bright red.
“The woman often gave the knight a handkerchief that he would take into battle with him. He would fight with that cloth on his arm or tucked away somewhere safe.” If he was correct, Kaname would flip flop again.
“Oooooh. That’s really romantic. If you go into battle again, don’t forget to ask for something from me Sousuke. OK?” Kaname’s eyes looked very eager and excited.
“Affirmative. I should continue. For a Spartan, to be captured was a disgrace. For the samurai, ritualistic suicide was something that they had perfected, and it was preferred above being captured, or being defeated. I will also mention the Knights Templar, the Poor Knights of Christ, founded in in the aftermath of the First Crusade to help the new Kingdom of Jerusalem maintain itself against its defeated Muslim neighbors. They were the most effective fighting unite ever assembled by Christendom. They were forbidden to surrender in battle and often fought to the death. They never retreated unless given a direct order, an order that was never given unless outnumbered three to one.” Sousuke felt no need to describe the interesting history of the Templars, or delve into the mysticism that surrounded them.
“I do not hold to any of those ways myself. But, up until now, I have prepared myself for battle in a way that would not appear strange to a Samurai. It was their way. A way I have already alluded to.” Sousuke wondered if that way of thinking that way made him an anachronism, or whether there were still groups of people who still followed a similar philosophy.
“What way was that, Sousuke?” Kaname was entranced by Sousuke’s voice. It was richer somehow, now that he was discussing something he was familiar with.
“The Samurai had a unique way of living. They lived as though dead, in order to increase their fighting awareness. While they wanted to live, it was impossible to go into battle with the fear of death hanging over their heads. Therefore, the Samurai adopted a way to get around this. By living as though dead, they had no fear of death…. they were already dead.” Sousuke watched Kaname’s eyes. They widened. She put her hand to her mouth.
“Does that mean you fight without caring if you come back? You said….” The thoughts ran quickly through her head. Would Sousuke be able to care enough about a person, to put her needs ahead of his own way of fighting? Should she even think that?
So far, his way had kept him coming back alive….
“No, Kaname. Like myself, the samurai did not want to die. But, they were dedicated to trying to reach their goals. If they died but did not reach their goals, it was acceptable. But if they did not reach their goals and lived, that was the mark of cowardice and shame. I am not that fanatical, I assure you.” He stopped to let that point sink in.
Kaname looked somewhat relieved.
“For Samurai and Spartans, there was also an expectation of glory on the battlefield. Being remembered, and looked up to after death was a common goal; both the Spartans the and Samurai expressed the hope that they would be honored by the living. Deserting, or retreating was seen as cowardice, and unworthy of either warrior. To die in battle was the ultimate goal for both the Spartans and the Samurai, and to be denied that was abhorrent. I do not wish to die in battle. I care nothing for appearances. Before meeting you, I never cared whether or not anyone remembered me.”
That last sentence had Kaname touching Sousuke’s cheek tenderly.
“There’s more I feel a need to explain, Kaname. But you said you had questions. Why don’t you ask another one now.” Sousuke wanted to keep Kaname involved in the conversation.
“Is being a soldier all you want in life, Sousuke? I know it has been everything that you have known since you were a young child. I just wonder….” Kaname didn’t want to say anything that sounded judgmental, or made Sousuke think she didn’t approve of the life he had lived. But, it was very important for her to get some idea of what he might see in his future.
“I am not certain, Kaname. As I mentioned, until recently, I never had much reason to consider that. Again, I beg your indulgence as I try to think things out for myself. I’m not boring you too much, am I?” He hoped that Kaname had greater staying power than she did as a Jindai student.
Much of the time he was still very quiet, holding to the philosophy that if something couldn’t be said in a few words, it wasn’t worth saying. But, as he matured, he began following a stream of consciousness that ran from a wellspring within him---there were times when he wanted to discuss things he found interesting or important.
In the past, Kaname had struggled to get him to speak. Would the Kaname of the here and now try to shut him up?
“Don‘t worry about me, Sousuke. It’s an important question for both of us….” Kaname moved closer to Sousuke, kicked off her shoes, and swung her legs up onto the couch. “Is it OK if I lay down? With my head in your lap?”
“Yes.” Sousuke moved a bit, making things easier for Kaname. When she was settled, he rubbed her temples gently, watching her close her eyes and smile.
“I have told you a little bit about my youth. The hardships I faced were not unlike those purposefully placed on young Spartans and Samurai. I was never fortunate enough to be treated like a Squire until I reached Mithril. With them, I was expected to be a knight before I was totally ready. Regardless, in my early days… after the death of my parents… I merely took what life gave me, and tried to move on.”
Kaname reached up and clasped her hand around one of Sousuke’s. She opened up her eyes and looked ahead of her, focusing lightly on the tiny and vague reflections on the far windows.
“Maybe it helped me become a better soldier. Spartan women did not bathe their newborn babies with water, but with wine, making it a sort of test of strength. They looked for the epileptic and sickly ones to lose control and go into convulsions. They believed that healthy ones would be toughened like steel and strengthened in their physique. The caretakers made certain to raise them as sensible, not fussy about their food… afraid of the dark or frightened of being left alone… or inclined to be unpleasantly awkward or whining. Young children went barefoot and naked, and were given little to eat. This was to encourage them to forage for food on their own, or steal. If they were caught, their punishment was for getting caught, not for stealing. At twelve, their training became more intense. They were weighed down by hard work and continuous exercises. They were also trained in physical exercises, such as dancing, gymnastics, and ballgames. Their clothing was kept to a minimum-often they only received one set for both winter and summer.” Sousuke yawned, then excused himself.
Kaname followed suit, and scolded him.
“My parents no doubt treated me well; but, once they died, my life was much like that of the Spartan youths, except that there was no dancing or ball games. I was thrown into battle early. The greater aptitude I showed, the more I was encouraged to do.”
Kaname looked very sorrowful. “Your life was so hard, Sousuke. I know mine was rough too… but I feel guilty ever having felt sorry for myself after hearing that.”
Sousuke squeezed Kaname’s hand. “Young Samurai were also put through vigorous exercise to teach them to endure hardship. They fasted… marched barefoot in the snow… and maintained rigid postures for long periods of time. Even when doing leisure activities… playing a musical instrument… dancing… young samurai had to be constantly on guard. Like the Spartans, it was important that they did not complain or showing signs of discomfort. In the same way, my masters and teachers in the mujahideen were tough. They wanted me vigilant. They would have driven me away had I shown any signs of weakness.“
Kaname began to understand how Sousuke could be so alert. She wondered if that alertness carried over into his sleep. She also wanted to know whether or not his days in Mithril had allowed had him a chance to normalize in some ways? Perhaps being in the college environment would help….
“There are two stories I have quoted in my works. Would you like to hear them? They are illustrative.” Sousuke coughed a moment, then yawned again.
“Go ahead Sousuke. If you hear me snoring, I’ll just be pretending.” Kaname smiled and looked up at Sousuke. “I’m just kidding. Big idiot!”
“If you say so. The Spartans had a legend about how a boy who had snuck away to check a trap for food, found a fox, and came back to camp only to discover that his commander had come to check on the group. Hiding the fox beneath his tunic, the boy came back to camp to take his punishment. The commander began to yell at him and give the boy a lecture. Meanwhile, the fox, who was still alive, had clawed into the boy’s stomach, and was gnawing the insides of the boy. The boy gave no sign that anything was happening, and finally keeled over and died. The boy was praised in his death when it was found out that he had ignored the pain.” Sousuke smiled at the look on Kaname’s face.
“That was horrible, Sousuke!” She sounded upset that he would even tell her such a tale.
“True. But, I learned to behave the same way after I was severely beaten once. The first time I was shot, I told no one. They found out when I passed out from a lack of blood. A similar Japanese story tells of a young swordsman who apprenticed himself to a famous fencing master. One day, while cooking rice, he was given a painful whack with a wooden sword by his master. This treatment was repeated at unexpected hours of the day and night, until the youth learned never to relax his guard and became the greatest swordsman in the land. I was treated severely when I let my guard down, so I made a habit of never doing it again.” Sousuke caught a hand that Kaname was swinging towards him playfully, seeing if she could prove otherwise.
“Sousuke… you’re going to hurt my feelings if you don’t let me win now and then!” Kaname scowled, but couldn’t keep it up.
“You need more training, Kaname” Sousuke moved a bit, trying to find a more comfortable way to sit.
“Do you want for me to get up, Sousuke?” Kaname lifted her head after propping herself up on her arm.
“Negative. I’m used to discomfort, remember?” He knocked her arm out from under her. “And, I’m fine.”
“Bully!” Kaname said with a laugh.
Sousuke’s face went a little stiff, then relaxed again.
“Sousuke?” Kaname had been looking at him. Why did his face suddenly change like that?
“My experiences as a child shaped me in many ways. No doubt you will realize that more and more as you spend time around me again. But, after going through what I did, I came to want to help others.” Sousuke thought a moment.
Another insight came to mind. He decided to go with it before it slipped away.
“I was not alone in my rough apprenticeship. Many young boys native to Afghanistan fought against the Soviet invasion. Those who survived, remained in war-fighting capacity. Many of those children were recruited, or fought because family members did. That was not he case with me. I needed food. I needed shelter. And I wanted to kill Russians. Maybe my need for vengeance was unusual for such a young age. But, it drove me to fight, and it left me scarred, physically and mentally. Some of what I do today might also be a means to balance out what I did as a child. If you like some day, perhaps you can watch some anime with me. Rurouni Kenshin. There are parallels there.” Sousuke felt his throat tighten.
As a child, he had killed many men. Not only that, his thirst for vengeance had led him to interrogate and torture captives in terrible ways. There were still memories that could awaken him from a sound sleep covered with sweat.
“Yes. I will do that. I would like to spend time doing things that you like, Sousuke. I hope you will feel the same way in regards to me.” Kaname’s voice and face were very sincere. That had Sousuke feeling hopeful, as she had been somewhat self-centered when he knew her before.
“Affirmative. I would like to spend time with you Kaname, no matter what we choose to do.” Sousuke did not feel sheepish or embarrassed to make that admission.
Kaname smiled.
“There are too many children in the world today that face terrible lives.” His words had the Kaname’s smile fading fast. “Mithril has attempted to stabilize certain areas of the globe that serve as breeding grounds for terrorist recruits. Despite that, there are more than 300,000 child soldiers around the world today, fighting in places like Sierra Leone, Liberia, Congo, Sudan, Sri Lanka, Afghanistan, and Burma. In Uganda, the ‘Lord’s Resistance Army’ is made up by more than 60% children.”
Kaname sat up again. It somehow didn’t feel right to be relaxing comfortably when Sousuke brought up facts like those.
“Children are fearless, Kaname. They can be made more so with pharmaceuticals. They are also unpredictable, a characteristic that some heartless men find very useful. Children eat less and are easier to manipulate. Armies raid villages... kill parents... beat children... supply them with drugs. Some of the boys may actually survive. The girls, most of who are usually used for cooking and sexual slavery, do not.” Sousuke remembered some of the scenes he saw fighting terrorists in Africa. Those too gave him sleepless nights. Worse, when there was no recourse, he had been forced to kill children who had been attempting to do the same to him and his allies.
That had been rough. Very rough. To come into a situation wanting to help children, only to end their lives… the pain was indescribable. It might be worth thinking about a life beyond fighting, simply to avoid any more situations like that.
“This is not a new thing. Children fought as far back as David versus Goliath. Youths fought in the Crusades. In the battle of New Market in the American Civil War, boys of the Virginia Militia fought, held their ground, and won the day. The Hitler Youth fought for the homeland. The Viet Cong used small numbers of child soldiers. But, the problem is growing and becoming more far-reaching. Children are not simply abducted. Some join willingly, just for shoes or food. Hunger and poverty drive parents to sell their child’s services. Daughters are sent to be soldiers when their marriage prospects are poor. I feel a need to help people like that, Kaname.” Sousuke sighed.
The choices ahead of him would certainly be difficult.
“I’m proud of you, Sousuke. Really, I am.” Kaanme scooted around some, then leaned over and gave Sousuke a kiss. “I just hope you understand that you can’t save them all. No one can.”
“Yes. You are right. In any case, when such children are set free from that horrible life, they do not go on to become soldiers with a cause…… like I did. The boys often wish to become priests. The girls want to become nurses.” Sousuke sighed again.
“Sousuke, it’s never too late to change, if you really want to. I hope you can understand that, too.” Kaname rested her forehead against his briefly, praying that Sousuke would take her words to heart.
“I would like to believe that, Kaname. My head may come to see that point, but my heart might have a hard time letting go. The same goes for your other statement.” Sousuke thought about one of the biggest hurdles he would have to clear, if he ever wanted to step away from Mithril altogether. “I have skills. I am very good at what I do. Mithril has need of soldiers of my caliber, and pilots who can work the Lambda Driver systems. Mithril works for the good of mankind as a whole, and had prevented a number of serious catastrophes. I have been instrumental in a number of those victories. That’s an awesome thought, Kaname. A very powerful truth.”
Kaname looked at Sousuke with something akin to sympathy. He really was very noble. Too noble for his own good. But, that was better than being arrogant or selfish.
Was that what she was doing? Being selfish? Arrogant? Should Sousuke change, just because she wanted to have him to herself?
Would she be able to sleep soundly at night, knowing that somewhere… probably many places… people were suffering that Sousuke might have helped? Then again, wouldn’t Mithril be able to find someone to replace him?
She might not be so fortunate herself.
“But what do you want? What would you feel happiest doing?” Kaname asked very softly. The answer might not change anything, but it would be important to her. “Just because you were raised like a samurai or a Spartan doesn’t mean that you have to spend your entire life the way they did. They are all gone. So are the knights. Things change, Sousuke.”
“I realize that, Kaname. But, the ideals of Bushido and Chivalry still have a place today. There were things that were common to both. Be loyal to one’s lord. That can mean being loyal to the one’s you pledge your service too, no matter how great or how meager they may be. Act on justice. If nobody is willing to make a stand, how will things get any better? Honor bravery. What kind of bravery would there be from turning away from my duty? Observe fidelity. Can I be faithful to Mithril AND a rather special individual at the same time? Value honor.” Sousuke had been ticking points off on his fingers, one by one. He didn’t know if he was serving as advocate… Devil’s advocate… both… or neither.
Kaname sat quietly. In one way, it was wonderful to see how Sousuke’s mind worked. It was reassuring to see just how strong his character was. But, she was feeling more worried by the minute.
Could Sousuke ever let go?
Had the ideals that he embraced been narrowly and rigidly assigned? Might he instead find some way to apply those same principles in the civilian world?
“Kaname, when I was brought into the organization, I pledged it my life, because it had given it back to me. I may have been much younger at the time, but my word still holds. Could you trust me completely if I broke my vow?” Sousuke wondered if he was being too strict. He would need to think about that as well.
“The codes were used to control and channel aggressive warlike spirits into behavior that was more acceptable to and safer for society. Following those principals helped me turn from a violent and bitterly hedonistic youth into the man I am today. To those warriors, it was important to be benevolent. Can I possibly do as much good away from Mithril, as I can do as a contributing member?” Sousuke’s eyes looked troubled. He was wrestling just as much with guilt as he was with an eagerness to do good.
Kaname opened her mouth to say ‘yes.’ She didn’t. Sousuke obviously needed to finish what he was trying to say. Also, it would bind him much more strongly, if she could help him see it and fell things for himself, not just hear the words coming off of her lips.
“Be polite. Aim at simplicity. Those do not pose any quandaries. Keep one’s principles. Be honest. Control oneself and have patience. Love one’s country. Pursue learning. Train in one’s martial arts. Believe in God or Buddha. Build up one’s courage and cultivate one’s fighting spirit. Broaden one’s mind. None of those are conflicting. Do one’s duty. That is the one that serves as the linchpin. The cornerstone. The pivotal question. What is my duty? Can you tell me that? Should I trust my own views? Could Mithril let me go without weakening itself and touching on its own duty and obligation to the world?” The thoughts just poured out of Sousuke. He grew more tense with every question he considered. This was not an issue that could be dealt with sitting on the couch with Kaname.
“It looks like you have a lot of thinking to do. I want you to promise me that you will tell me the conclusions you arrive at, Sousuke. I know we have only been going together for a couple of days; but, the things you decide on will greatly affect me too. Me, and the decisions that I need to make.” Kaname was disappointed. She understood that Sousuke had a very complex issue to deal with, but part of her had hoped that she could convince him to see things her way tonight.
“But, you still didn’t answer the one question. What would make you the happiest?” Kaname stood up and walked over to the window. She wanted to give Sousuke some space.
Looking down at his hands, Sousuke sat silently for a few minutes, the thoughts whirling about in his head. Want and happiness had been foreign terms to him for so long. He wasn’t entirely comfortable with the concept as it was. But, one image kept coming up.
Kaname. Kaname smiling. Kaname safe, smiling, and happy.
“I would be happiest being with you, Kaname. If it was what you wanted, and if it truly made you happy. But I would not be happy if it held you back in some way, or prevented you from meeting someone who was the perfect match for you.” Sousuke looked up at Kaname. She had blown her breath out, frosting the window. She sketched a quick heart.
Sousuke wondered if he had somehow betrayed himself, his code, or Mithril by making such an admission. He knew well the sanctions were that were used to punish deviation from the code of the samurai. Seppuku. That suicide was viewed as exquisite, allowing the samurai to regain his honor and demonstrating his sincerity by cutting his belly where his soul was thought to reside. That type of atonement was based on maintaining family honor, and from the Zen concept of the closeness of life and death. When life has more value than death, one should seek life; however, when death has more value, then one should choose death.
No, there was never any need to think about killing himself.
Kaname blew on the window again to highlighting her drawing. She then headed towards Sousuke. He was still caught up in thought.
The Church did not approve of the taking of one‘s own life, so suicide was not a sanction in Western Chivalry. In the West, warriors would be expelled from membership. They were taken out in public, insulted, disarmed, and expelled.
Could that happen with him, if he let his relationship with Kaname grew strong enough to the point that it was the driving force in his decision making?
Was there a middle road? Could he somehow pursue both things? Would it be possible to maintain some link to Mithril and further his relationship with Kaname? To find that answer, he needed to know more about himself. He needed to know more about Kaname.
She sat down on the floor by his feet, leaning back against his legs. “You sure can talk a lot, Sousuke.” She smiled. His honest answer had made her feel very good. “But I’ll keep you just the same.
“Kaname?” Sousuke thought that the best way to find answers was simply to ask questions. He would assume nothing. He was not good enough at reading cues to piece together the facts he needed.
“Yes, Sousuke?” Kaname shivered for a moment, hitting just the right spot as she rubbed her back along Sousuke’s leg.
“I am left with a need to consider the future. What about you? Have you considered what you need, or what you want?” Sousuke stretched out his arms, then moved one to loosen up his tight shoulder
Kaname stretched, herself. She was very glad that Sousuke had asked that question. It was something she had wanted to talk about. And, it gave her reason to think that he truly was going to start thinking more about the future.
“Yes, Sousuke. I’ve thought about things a lot, for different reasons on different days. Sometimes I get all gung ho and full of energy, then decide to think about all of the things I want to do and be. On other days, when I’m feeling down or discouraged, I think about the things I don’t have and wonder if I ever will.
Kaname turned around to glance at Sousuke. It had been and involuntary move, but it spoke volumes to the two of them.
“There are a lot of things to worry about, and a number of things to look forward to.,” Kaname picked up her legs for a moment, then swung around so that she was facing Sousuke. “Two of them have to do with the University. I need to worry about my course of study, and how I’m doing in my classes. I also have reason to consider what kind of job I want to have some day. That leads to more questions.”
“Where your job would be?” Sousuke asked.
“Yes. It might or might not be a moot point, depending on how many job interviews I get, and how many offers follow. But before I can even decide what kind of job I want, there is something else I have to consider.” Kaname looked at Sousuke a bit wistfully, then brought her knees up to her chest and hugged them. “I want to be a mother some day. I think I might like to have a number of children. I would want to give them the good things that I had as a child.”
Sousuke felt a certain uneasiness inside him. The thought of his having children had never been big on his mind. He had never been concerned about having his line continued through history. There had never been a woman other than Kaname who had even gotten him to think about relationships.
Did he want to have children? Could he ever live up the responsibilities that a father had? What exactly were all of the responsibilities?
Kaname watched as Sousuke turned pensive. She correctly predicted his thoughts. “Have you ever thought about having children Sousuke? If you gave your sons and daughters the same kind of dedication that you have shown Mithril, you might make a very good father.”
“It was never anything I had reason to contemplate, Kaname. At times, however....” Sousuke’s gaze seemed distant, distracted. “When I have rescued young children in the past, some have been very much in need. Others were very happy, and expressed their joy by wanting me and the other soldiers to take care of them. At those times....” Sousuke had felt something stir inside him in the past, but he had never known what to make of it.
Kaname smiled. There was a heart within that human Arm Slave. She was certain of it. Just what depths of emotion would Sousuke be capable of, considering all he had gone through in his life? How would his terrible life as a child affect the way he behaved as a parent? If he had normal paternal instincts, he might be a very protective father. Hopefully not overly so.
She also wondered just what kind of mother she would be. That thought suddenly seemed more relevant, sitting there talking with Sousuke.
“Well.... it looks like you have yet another thing to think about. And you thought school was hard.” Kaname laughed. “I guess life is just one big school. But, the teacher doesn’t always tell you what the assignments are, and there can be a test at any moment.” She grew a bit more solemn. “The assignments are very hard sometimes, Sousuke. And the grading isn’t always fair, is it?”
“No. But nobody ever said they would be.” Sousuke sighed. “It looks like I have a lot of extra studying to do.” He looked out of his window again. The city vista seemed to stretch on forever.
Kaname reached over and tugged on his pants leg. “It’s a group assignment, Sousuke. You can have as many people help you with it as you like. Want a study partner?”
Sousuke turned back to look at Kaname. “Yes.” It was an honest answer. That in itself taught Sousuke something. For some reason, he felt like lightening the mood some. “I need to go about finding one. Perhaps if I post a note on the campus bulletin board….” He rubbed his chin.
“Sousuke....” Kaname was glad to see that Sousuke wouldn’t become withdrawn or moody after coming to terms with the task ahead of him.
“I do know where I can find four partners. However, they may be a bit angry after today’s competition....” Sousuke expected Kaname to say ‘Sousuke!’
“Sousuke!” Kaname switched positions, moving so that she was now perched on her knees.
“Would it be simpler just to choose one of them? Perhaps. Would you help me with that, Kaname? I trust your judgment.” Sousuke kept a straight face. What would Kaname do, besides shouting? Smack him in the leg? Hug him and laugh? Make some kind of sarcastic rejoinder?
“SOUSUKE!” Kaname leaned over and bit Sousuke’s leg lightly.
“Owwwww.” Sousuke closed his eyes in mock pain. “You have kept your word, Kaname.”
“Sousuke?” Kaname didn’t remeber saying that she was going to nip him.
“Yes. It looks like I will now need the attention of the hospital staff. Human bites are potentially more dangerous than animal bites due to the number of bacteria in the human mouth. Streptococci. Staphylococci. Anaerobic organism. Eikenella corrodens. Potentially more pathogenic species.” He looked down at Kaname as if he were examining her. “ At times over the past few days, you have behaved wildly and erratically. I may also read to consider a rabies vaccine.”
“Rabies vaccine? Sousuke....” Kaname got to her feet. “Oooooh. That was just a love bite.” She smiled. “But, if you’re concerned, part of the treatment would be to wash the wound with soap and water under pressure. Like from a faucet... or a strong shower....” She sat next to him and whispered in his ear. “Want a real shower this time, soldier?”
Sousuke swallowed hard. His nonverbal answer was somewhere between ‘maybe’ and ‘yes.’ But, the two of them were in the middle of an important conversation. Besides, while part of him might want to play more serious romantic games with Kaname, he was not quite comfortable with that yet.
“Uh... that sounds like a nice idea. Can I have a rain check? I believe the wound is not as severe as I originally feared.”
Kaname had only been playing, but Sousuke’s answer suddenly made her consider the idea for real. She blushed, picturing herself in the shower with Sousuke. “Yes. Redeemable whenever you are ready. But, it’s only good for your shower, Sousuke.” Kaname still couldn’t get over the opulent nature of certain parts of the apartment building.
“I see. Very good. It is a very nice shower.” Sousuke cleared his throat. “What other things have you considered, Kaname. Besides school, work, and raising a family?”
“Romance, of course. A long term serious relationship. That’s what would lead to my having a family.” Kaname decided that she wouldn’t be too specific, even though she knew that Sousuke would know who she was thinking about. “I would like to find the right man. There is someone I’m interested in, but I still need to find out what he wants, and whether or not it makes sense taking a chance on him.”
She felt a little guilty putting things that way. She really did want Sousuke to give his life an honest appraisal, without making him feel pressured. He cared about her. Probably more than he had cared about anyone in his life. But, that by itself wouldn’t be enough. There were more things to say, and they would give him more information to squirrel away.
“I see. He must be a very fortunate man.” Sousuke did feel fortunate, almost humble. He hated waste himself, just as Kaname did. He did not want to develop a strong attachment to Kaname and get her hopes up, only to realize that his life did not have a place for her, her wants, and her needs. It was easy to get caught up in the moment. He needed to start thinking, not just reacting.
“Some people wouldn’t be so sure,” Kaname looked Sousuke in the eyes. “I don’t want to end up like a gypsy, Sousuke. I want to have a home some day. One I can work on together with my husband. A place where we can raise a family. I wouldn’t want to move from town to town, or base to base. I would rather be able to say ‘Hello’ to new friends, rather than ‘Good bye’ to old ones.
It was a dream she had. She truly hoped that it would come true, some day. So may of her other dreams had fallen through.
“You deserve stability, Kaname. It would appear that you would wish for someone who is usually at home, even though you have done well on your own.”
“Yes. I’ve done well on my own because I really haven’t had any other choice. When the day comes when I do have options, I want to be certain that I choose wisely. Don’t get me wrong. I understand that someone has to make sacrifices so that other people can remain free. I’m not certain that I want to be the one making such a sacrifice. It’s a high price to pay, a very hard life. I’ve already lived one of those. My Mother. The moving we had to do. Being Whispered. Everything. It is a tough thing to die for one’s country or for the sake of other people around the world. But, I think that it would be tougher to live without someone who died.” Kaname looked at Sousuke with a great deal of concern.
She didn’t want him to feel that she was some how rejecting him now, before they ever had a chance to see where their realtionship might go.
“I can understand that, Kaname. It is good to know how you feel.” Sousuke rubbed his hand over his cheek, then rubbed his lower lip with his finger.
“I hope you don’t think less of me Sousuke, seeing everything that you have been through yourself. I just want to be able to know what school my children will be going to each year. I want someone who can go to see the school plays, concerts, and sporting events. I want someone who will be there for the birth of those children, and for birthdays and anniversaries. When I buy furniture, I don’t want to wonder if it will fit in the next apartment, or whether it will survive traveling. I don’t want to buy different size drapes and curtains ever year or so.” Kaname took note of the intensity of her own feelings. She was speaking what she really felt. It was important to know just what she wanted, too.
Sousuke would not be the only one with difficult decisions to make.
“I think very highly of you, Kaname. I hope you let yourself believe that. There are few things that would cause me to lose faith in you, or see you in a different light.” Sousuke thought a moment, wanting to find the right words. “I have already told you that I would die for you. If my current feelings are any indication, it may be that I would also wish to live for you.”
“Sousuke….” Kaname was moved to kiss Sousuke again.
“I will ask you a favor, though.” Sousuke reluctantly pushed Kaname back so he could see her face.
“What favor, Sousuke?”
“We both have a lot of things to discover, and to consider. I would ask you to be patient with me. I would also ask if you could spend your time with dealing with nothing more than the single purpose of the present moment. Can you take one small thing at a time, just seeking to be true to that purpose?” Sousuke looked at Kaname intensely. He wanted their relationship to grow without a series of preset boundaries. He wanted to learn who Kaname was in every way possible, without worrying too much about the future.
Kaname understood what Sousuke meant. It was a surprisingly wise and mature request, and a timely one. She was very much on edge, feeling a need for some kind of answer as soon as possible. It was part of her nature. But just as Sousuke had ways in which he would have to change to be right for her, there were way that she would have to change as well.
If she rushed things, she might push Sousuke away, or arrive at the wrong conclusion.
“I can try, Sousuke. I will do my best for you, just as I know you always do your best for me. I have a question, though. I have a romantic view of how knights and their maidens lived. But, what kind of lives did Spartan women have? What was it like to be a samurai’s wife?” Kaname put her arms behind her neck and stretched her back. She wasn’t doing it to tease Sousuke.
“Uh…” Sousuke lost track of the question for a few seconds. “Yes. Sorry. I do not think you would have enjoyed being a Spartan woman, Kaname.” Sousuke eyed Kaname a moment longer, waiting to see if she would go through her stretching again.
Kaname blushed. “Behave, Sousuke.” She grinned. She certainly didn’t mind his attention. “What was wrong with being a Spartan’s wife?”
“A girl’s education was equally as brutal as the men's, and included many athletic events such as javelin, discus, foot races, and staged battles. In many such events, Spartan women would run naked in the presence of their male counterparts, and were respected for their athletic feats.” Sousuke looked away from Kaname.
“Really? If I did that, would you respect me for my athletic feats?” Kaname stretched again.
“Uh… yes… that too….” Sousuke couldn't help looking. He scolded himself. A Specialist should have some level of control.
“Well then, maybe being a Spartan wouldn’t be so bad.” She put her hands down on the couch, pushed, and slid closer to Sousuke.
“Hmmm. Really? Marriage for a Spartan woman was an almost non-ceremonial event. The woman was abducted in the night by her suitor….. her head was shaved….. she was made to wear men's clothing…. and she was made to lie on a straw pallet in the dark. From there on she would meet with her husband for almost entirely… um… procreative reasons. If she was formerly a girl, she became a woman through marriage.” Sousuke grinned at the look on Kaname’s face. When she put her hand to her hair, Sousuke smiled. That made her look somewhat cross.
“Hmmmpppfff!!!”
“Any Spartan man could abduct a wife, which led to a system of polyandry. There could be many husbands and one wife, or just the opposite. When a child was born, the woman had little to do with it's upbringing, rather nurses handled the child's care. A female Spartan child was subject to the same tests of strength as a male child.
“A woman could have a number of men?” Kaname smiled widely, hoping to send a small jolt of jealousy through Sousuke.
“Affirmative. A man could have more than one wife. Though, it was not as pleasant of a life as a sultan had with his harem.” Sousuke could play the same game. His jab had more sting, given the day’s events.
“No Spartan stuff!” Kaname made a rather sour face. It had Sousuke smiling again and Kaname shaking her fist at him.
“Affirmative,” Sousuke said. “The samurai class did not consist solely of men. Though frequently overlooked in history books, women had an important role during the samurai period, particularly in the early days. Samurai wives took on the responsibilities of running the households during times of war, overseeing the crops, servants, and finances.”
“That’s probably why there were samurai for so many years!” Kaname looked at Sousuke, daring him to claim otherwise.
“You are correct, Kaname.” Sousuke waited until Kaname put on a self-satisfied grin. “Without women, how could there ever have been future samurai?”
Kaname turned her head away from Sousuke.
Big jerk!
It wouldn’t hurt him any to admit that women were important, too.
“The women were trained in martial arts, and were expected to be skilled in the use of the naginata, a type of lance. Many samurai women defended their homes when under attack. Sometimes they even fought alongside the men in battle. One of the most famous female warriors was Tomoe Gozen, wife of Minamoto Yoshinaka. She fought bravely against the Taira clan during the Gempei War and was hailed as a gifted archer and swordswoman.” Sousuke wondered how Kaname would respond to that. An idea crossed his mind… a way they could spend time together… he could keep his skills sharp…. and Kaname could learn practical means of defense.
“I see. Is that the kind of woman you want, Mister? A warrior woman?” Kaname crossed her arms over her chest.
“It is not a necessity, Kaname. Women have many skills. I would not be adverse to having a woman who complimented me.” Sousuke wanted to make certain he didn’t leave Kaname with any misconceptions.
“I see. Fishing for compliments, are you?” Kaname flattened her lips.
“No… that’s not what I meant….” Sousuke answered before he realized that Kaname was playing with words.
“I know. I just wanted you to see who was more clever, that’s all.” Kaname held her nose up.
“Oh. I see. Well I’ve never had any doubt of that.” Sousuke’s inflection turned things around some. “Because you are so attractive, I have given you certain allowances.”
“Allowances?” Kaname’s eyes narrowed. “Well, let's talk about the things that I am going to allow you to do. Big idiot.”
“I see. I have upset you. Now is not the time to speak about something I had hoped to interest you in.” Sousuke stood up. He picked up the two empty glasses. “Would you like something more to drink, Kaname?”
Kaname ignored the offer. “What were you going to interest me in, Sousuke?”
“It is not important, Kaname. I do not wish to be disallowed any more than I have already been.” Sousuke grinned.
“Sousuke!” Kaname stood up.
“It is nothing weird. Nothing dangerous. But, you probably would not wish to do it. It probably is best to left it unsaid. Would you like something to snack on? Fruit, perhaps?” Sousuke turned as if he was about to carry the glasses down to the kitchen.
“What…… were….. you….. going….. to….. ask ….. me…..” Kaname’s one hand twitched. It was the hand she used to hold her halisen in.
“I attend a martial arts class a number of nights per week. It would be simple enough to teach another person the skills that I have obtained. Additionally, I visit a shooting range routinely. While I maintain my proficiency, I could also take time to teach anyone who might be interested.” he looked at Kaname, realizing that he very much wanted her take him up on at least one offer.
Kaname stood still, hit first by the sheer otaku nature of the idea. What made that moron think that she wanted to do or learn any of those things?
But, as she opened her mouth to make some flippant reply, she remembered that she wanted to find things to do with Sousuke…. Things she liked, and things that he liked.
And, there might be a pragmatic way to consider things as well. She was Whispered. While she hadn’t been troubled by anyone in three years, her good fortune could potentially turn at any time. All someone needed to do was realize just what she was.
“That’s a very nice offer, Sousuke. I may well take you up on that. As your guest, though…. I would ask if you would consider my offer for training first.” Kaname reached down to the table and opened up her purse.
“Kaname?”
“Do you like flavored lip balm Sousuke?” Kaname held a small applicator up to her lips.
It was almost eerie, walking through the building under those conditions. A single door on one floor had been left open. Bright light shone out of it.
That was where that big idiot would be!
The nerve of him. Just because she got him good, he had to get her better. At least her joke had been cute and funny. His prank was cruel and demeaning.
That was her story, and she was sticking to it.
“Please come in, Kaname. You are fully dressed, I presume?” Sousuke’s voice drifted down the hallway. But, she was four rooms away!
Damn his otaku hearing….
When Kaname stepped inside the room, she realized that it was Sousuke’s study. There was a small bookshelf… a number of world maps on the wall, seemingly for decoration… a large wooden desk… a nice computer… a fax-scanner-copier combo… and a very nice computer set-up. A bright halogen lamp mounted on a swing swivel arm shone light down upon the monitor, a precarious stack of books, and a disordered pile of typed papers.
Sousuke looked over at Kaname, a neutral look on his face. “My tour wasn’t enough?”
Kaname clenched her teeth. It had taken her a twenty minutes to track him down. “Sousuke….” Her voice was a touch irritated.
“I made these up. I thought they might be insulting, so I did not use them.” he held up a copy of a large arrow. Written in the center were the words ‘Sousuke is this way.’ “I thought it might serve you well to check out the available rooms, in case you do decided to stay here some day.
“Sousuke… you… you….” Kaname fought her temper. After all, she had started things, helped them along, and took what she thought was the coup de gras. She was still learning things about Sousuke. ‘How far she could push him’ was one thing. ‘His manner of retaliation’ was another.
She had almost said that she would not be staying there any time soon.
That wasn’t necessarily true, as she needed to take plenty of time to think things over. The last thing she wanted to do was cause Sousuke to remove the offer from the table.
“Kaname?” Sousuke looked ready to weather any storm. Kaname was actually glad to see that. Sousuke could take care of himself. She could say and do whatever felt right to her, without being too worried that she might offend him or turn his feelings against her.
“Is this your study, Sousuke?” Kaname already knew the answer, but wanted some way to bring things back on a shared playing field. “What are you working on?”
“Yes, Kaname. This is where I do my research and writing. I am working on a number of comparative essays. One details the similarities between the Samurai and the Spartans, some of the ultimate warriors in each of their times. Another touches on the similarities between the Samurai and Bushido on one hand, and the Knights and Chivalry on the other.”
“Oh. What class are they for?” Kaname thought Sousuke was fortunate to have a class that allowed him to exercise and exploit his otaku tendencies.
“They are not for a class, Kaname. Although, they might be useful some day. I am writing these for submission, either to military journals or some more mainstream literary source. I thought it would be a practical use of my time, as I have read much on those subjects over the years.” Sousuke tidied up his papers, then moved to fix the wobbling pile of books and journals.
“I see.” Kaname was surprised. She had never thought about Sousuke in regards to his intellect. She had been annoyed by his unintentional one-upmanship in class, and had held a pretty dim opinion of him in high school. For a moment, she wondered if his proclivity for research and writing might some day suggest a different career for him. “You read about those things when you were on the submarine?”
“Affirmative. Also when I was in the training camps. A soldier who was about to retire gave me some books on warfare throughout the ages. They caught my interest and helped me improve my ability to read. Italso gave me another reason to improve my English.” Sousuke turned off his light. “Would you like to retire to some place more comfortable? Or, have I angered you sufficiently that you wish me to walk you home?”
“I’m not angry any more, Sousuke.” She walked over and gave his a brief hug. Then abruptly, she stamped on his toe. “At least not too much.”
“I will need to start wearing steel-toes boots again,” Sousuke said, wincing. “While I’m at it, I should go back to uniforms, weapons, the like….”
“NO!” Kaname bit her lip. He was just kidding. Right? “No, Sousuke. Let’s go find that comfortable couch. Perhaps there will be another thunderstorm tonight….” She winked.
“Uh….” Sousuke caught himself too. Why should her hints make him uncomfortable? He had enjoyed their time together the night before. Part of him worried that things were moving too quickly for him to control. Another part thought it might good for him to have something he could not control. “Yes. I’ll show you there, then go get us something to drink.”
“That’s OK. I’ll walk with you. We can get things together. And, that way you won’t have a chance to disappear again. Hmmmpppfff!” She put her arm around Sousuke and helped usher him out into the hallway.
After they gathered what they wanted, Sousuke took her back to the top floor, this time leading her into the sitting area. He offered her the choice of an antique French sofa, or any number of hard-backed and stuffed chaired arranged throughout the room. She chose the sofa.
They both took a few moments to look out over the neighborhood beyond the rear-facing picture window. Kaname pulled Sousuke’s arm around her, just content to stand there with him for a while. These quiet times were so nice, especially compared to all of the danger and misadventures they had together when they were younger.
She realized how used to this she could get… this view… this building… the closeness to Sousuke.
It got her to thinking. She understood that she and Sousuke had only been dating for a very short period of time, but she felt like they had never parted before. There were things she wanted to know about him, and things he wanted him to understand about her.
It might be better to wait, but Kaname knew all too well that the unknown could reach out its great hand and grab Sousuke at any moment. If he did have to go away for any length of time, she wanted to be certain that she had said what was on her mind and in her heart.
Some things were just too important to take any chances with.
x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x
The lights were down low in the sitting area. Sousuke opened a number of windows, allowing a pleasant cool cross draft.
“Sousuke?” Kaname sat on the sofa, waiting for Sousuke. She placed her glass of fruit drink on a fancy coaster.
“Yes?” Sousuke noted the change in Kaname’s voice. He wondered if she had made a decision in answer to his offer, or was thinking about something that was important to her.
“Do you ever think about the future?” Kaname tried to remain on an even keel.
The way that Sousuke would answer the questions that she had would be very telling.
“Kaname?” Sousuke lit a number of wax tapers on the wall, putting their glass globes back in place when he was done. He had never felt any desire to light them before.
“You know. Have you given any thought to what you might be doing in a year… five years… ten years… stuff like that.” Kaname pushed her hair out of her face. “I have.”
Sousuke walked over to the sofa, moved a few fancy tassled pillows, and sat next to Kaname.
“Yes, Kaname. Some. Lately. Before that, I was not really concerned about things. I have grown accustomed to going where I’m sent, and handling things as they come up.” He put his drink down next to Kanames. “Perhaps if I had thought in that manner three years ago….” His face looked somewhat melancholy.
Kaname lowered her eyes a moment. She didn’t want to dwell on the past tonight. What was done was done. She was more concerned about the things that could be, and the things that would be.
A worrisome thought had her bite the inside of her cheek every so softly.
“Did you feel that way because you think you’re going to die in battle some day?” Her voice caught in her throat. “Do you care whether or not you die, Sousuke?” She hoped that Sousuke did not answer ‘yes’ to the first question, or ‘no’ to the second.
Sousuke stared at Kaname a while. He didn’t have to think about the question. Rather, he was trying to figure out Kaname’s context.
“I do not wish to die, Kaname. Given a choice, I would much rather live. Even without a beautiful woman sitting on my couch.” Sousuke watched Kaname closely. She did not blush. There was no happiness or gratitude in her expression. Her attention was focused on him and the answers she wanted.
Kaname remained silent. Sousuke went on to answer her other question.
“Do I think that I am going to die in battle? I do not worry about that. At least I have not up to now. To be able to perform my best, I approach each battle with the assumption that I am already dead.” Sousuke wondered how she would react to that statement.
Kaname’s eyes widened.
She opened her mouth to speak, unable to look Sousuke in the face for a moment. “D-Does that mean… you do not fight to stay alive? If you already think that you will die….then… but you just said….”
Kaname put his elbow on the back of the couch, and his chin on his hand. He watched Kaname’s eyes, trying to judge her mood.
“It will take a bit of an explanation, Kaname. It will be otaku, and it may well bore you. But, if you like, I will tell you what I mean… and expanding the subject, offer some insight into questions you may not have asked yet.” There were a number of things that he wanted to talk about himself. Hearing his own words would give himself a chance to analyze his own feelings.
“OK….” Kaname wanted desperately to understand what Sousuke meant. She hoped with all his heart that he wasn’t fatalistic, or some kind of fanatic. She had always carried that question close to her heart, never really wanting to ask it.
“I have spent most of my life getting by moment by moment and day by day. There was always a need to plan for missions, and to consider what skills, training, or practice might help me there. But, I was not concerned about life after the next battle. I am always aware that I might die in any fight, but I do not go in expecting to die. Do you remember the topics of those essays I’m writing?”
“Yes. What….” Kaname looked perplexed.
“I’m as much of a mystery to myself sometimes, as I must seem to you. I have no way of knowing how much of my personality and beliefs come from my parents. I am not certain how much has come from the other people I have subsequently came to know. Much could well come from things that I’ve seen, read, and been told.” Sousuke looked deep in though.
He closed his eyes and took a deep easy breath, then let it out.
“I sometimes think that I have taken unto myself, some of the things that the Samurai, the Spartans, and Knights held dear or found to be true for them.” Sousuke looked to see if understanding had begun to dawn in Kaname’s eyes.
Not surprisingly, it had not.
“Is this going to be a lecture, Sousuke? There are things I really want to know. I also have things that I really want you to know.” Kaname would gladly listen to Sousuke’s papers some day, but she didn’t want things to move too far off course.
“No, Kaname. As I implied, I think that I can anticipate some of your questions and concerns. I find that examples often help people understand someone else’s point of view. Such things will also help me organize my thoughts.” Sousuke ran his hand through his hair a couple of times, trying to find the words he wanted.
Kaname leaned back on the couch.
After looking at Sousuke for a moment, she nodded her head. “OK.”
“If one were asked to distill down to the essence what being a samurai was, he would say that it lay first in devoting one’s body and soul to his master. If one were then asked what mattered beyond this, he would say to fit oneself inwardly with intelligence, humanity, and courage. The combining of those virtues may seem unobtainable to anyone who was not a samurai. But, to them, it was it easy.” Sousuke knew that he was taking a somewhat roundabout route, but he wanted Kaname to understand some contextual things.
“Those are things that you have, Sousuke. At least, you have great humanity, courage, and devotion to Mithril.” Kaname stuck out her lower lip, a good natured sparkle in her eyes.
“Yes. Well, intelligence is nothing more than discussing things with others. Limitless wisdom comes from that. Humanity is something done for the sake of others, simply comparing oneself with them and putting them in the fore. Courage is gritting one’s teeth; it is simply doing that and pushing ahead, paying no attention to the circumstances. Anything that seems above those three things was not thought to be truly important. So, you can see, the samurai were not simply fierce warriors or stoic heroes.”
“I don’t understand how that relates to your thoughts about dying….” Kaname looked puzzled.
“You said ’OK,’ Kaname.” Sousuke leaned back on the couch himself.
“Sorry.” Kaname should have known that Sousuke had a purpose in mind.
Jerk.
“To a samurai, service was very important. Their name even meant ‘those who serve.’ A man was considered a good retainer to the extent that he earnestly places importance in his master, not his own well being. Mithril is my master, Kaname. Throughout my servitude, I have made it a point to advance daily, becoming more skillful than the day before. This is primarily for the purpose of being a good soldier, but also for my own personal benefit as well. The samurai believed that there was surely nothing other than the single purpose of the present moment. A man's whole life is a succession of moment after moment. If one fully understands the present moment, there will be nothing else to do, and nothing else to pursue. They sought to live being true to that principal.” Sousuke nodded his head. “Just as I used to.”
“I… I’ve changed that, Sosuke?” Kaname’s eyes went big.
Her lip quivered for a moment.
“Some.” Sousuke answered honestly. “Before, and recently. It’s too soon to see how strong it will hold, or how far it will take me.” He smiled, then rubbed his shoulder. “Remember high school? How I rushed into everything? The amount of thought I gave to the consequences? Some of that should make sense, now.”
“Oh….” Kaname’s throat tightened up a bit, thinking that she was having a positive effect on Sousuke. She could also look back on Sousuke’s past misadventures and confounding attitudes with some bit of understanding.
“Courage and sacrifice were important to the Samurai, Spartan, and Knight alike. The thought of death was one that was never far away from any of them. Each of those warriors could well be faced with almost certain death when going into battle. They prepared for that death, yet did not let it intrude in their fighting. With the Spartans, the war would be fought till all Spartans were dead or the battle had been won. That was not simply a casual disregard of life. They saw the State and the Law as worth dying for.”
Sousuke folded both hands together in his lap. Kaname continued to listen patiently.
“Dying in battle was the most honorable way in which the Spartans could die…. fighting for his country….his children…. the things he valued. I would not necessarily give my life for Mithril, Kaname. But I willingly risk it for those people that are unable to fight back for themselves.”
“Sousuke….” Kaname felt a lump in her throat. She reached out and touched Sousuke’s hand.
“Like the samurai, most knights acted as retainers to greater lords, more renown fighters, and the enforcers of policy and morality. Both were hired to protect the land and the people. I feel the same way myself, like a knight or Samurai in his armor, when I am strapped into an Arm Slave. Both types of warrior were supposed to follow a code of honor. I try to as well. There were significant ways in which the samurai and Spartans were different than the vast majority of knights.” Sousuke was glad that his research would actually serve a practical purpose.
Kaname opened her mouth a moment, intending to ask a question. She shook her head, then folded her hands and put them in her lap.
“You were going to say something?” Sousuke did not mind the interruption.
“No. It’s silly. You’re trying to explain things to me….” Kaname tried to brush away her own irrelevant question.
“No. Please. Go ahead.” Sousuke was curious what she had been thinking.
“I was just thinking… no, it really isn‘t important….” Kaname blushed.
Sousuke folded his arms across his chest. He began drumming his fingers against his upper arm. Kaname took notice and continued.
“If you think of yourself as a knight in armor… I was wondering if you would fight differently if you had a Lady waiting for you….” Kaname lowered her eyes.
“That would depend on whether or not I was any early knight, or one that lived later on. The earliest knights treated women very poorly, more like possessions. I can certainly see the benefit in that.” Sousuke kept a straight face.
“What?!” Kaname frowned. “You better NOT start thinking about me as your possession, Sousuke!”
“Hmmmm. You are someone else’s, then? Pity….” He did grin that time.
Kaname gave him the evil eye.
“But, when the crusaders returned to Europe, their view of women changed, after seeing how the Muslims treated their women. Courtly love… sweet songs… troubadours… those kind of things became popular. That kind of love between a knight and his ‘lady’ was very mature and romantic.” Sousuke watched for Kaname’s reaction.
“There you go. Thhat's what I want, Sousuke.” Kaname gave Sousuke a rather possessive look.
“That type of love, though, wasn’t very… hmm… uh… sexual.” Sousuke stiffened up a bit.
“Never mind then, Sousuke.” Kaname had spoken quickly without thinking. She turned bright red.
“The woman often gave the knight a handkerchief that he would take into battle with him. He would fight with that cloth on his arm or tucked away somewhere safe.” If he was correct, Kaname would flip flop again.
“Oooooh. That’s really romantic. If you go into battle again, don’t forget to ask for something from me Sousuke. OK?” Kaname’s eyes looked very eager and excited.
“Affirmative. I should continue. For a Spartan, to be captured was a disgrace. For the samurai, ritualistic suicide was something that they had perfected, and it was preferred above being captured, or being defeated. I will also mention the Knights Templar, the Poor Knights of Christ, founded in in the aftermath of the First Crusade to help the new Kingdom of Jerusalem maintain itself against its defeated Muslim neighbors. They were the most effective fighting unite ever assembled by Christendom. They were forbidden to surrender in battle and often fought to the death. They never retreated unless given a direct order, an order that was never given unless outnumbered three to one.” Sousuke felt no need to describe the interesting history of the Templars, or delve into the mysticism that surrounded them.
“I do not hold to any of those ways myself. But, up until now, I have prepared myself for battle in a way that would not appear strange to a Samurai. It was their way. A way I have already alluded to.” Sousuke wondered if that way of thinking that way made him an anachronism, or whether there were still groups of people who still followed a similar philosophy.
“What way was that, Sousuke?” Kaname was entranced by Sousuke’s voice. It was richer somehow, now that he was discussing something he was familiar with.
“The Samurai had a unique way of living. They lived as though dead, in order to increase their fighting awareness. While they wanted to live, it was impossible to go into battle with the fear of death hanging over their heads. Therefore, the Samurai adopted a way to get around this. By living as though dead, they had no fear of death…. they were already dead.” Sousuke watched Kaname’s eyes. They widened. She put her hand to her mouth.
“Does that mean you fight without caring if you come back? You said….” The thoughts ran quickly through her head. Would Sousuke be able to care enough about a person, to put her needs ahead of his own way of fighting? Should she even think that?
So far, his way had kept him coming back alive….
“No, Kaname. Like myself, the samurai did not want to die. But, they were dedicated to trying to reach their goals. If they died but did not reach their goals, it was acceptable. But if they did not reach their goals and lived, that was the mark of cowardice and shame. I am not that fanatical, I assure you.” He stopped to let that point sink in.
Kaname looked somewhat relieved.
“For Samurai and Spartans, there was also an expectation of glory on the battlefield. Being remembered, and looked up to after death was a common goal; both the Spartans the and Samurai expressed the hope that they would be honored by the living. Deserting, or retreating was seen as cowardice, and unworthy of either warrior. To die in battle was the ultimate goal for both the Spartans and the Samurai, and to be denied that was abhorrent. I do not wish to die in battle. I care nothing for appearances. Before meeting you, I never cared whether or not anyone remembered me.”
That last sentence had Kaname touching Sousuke’s cheek tenderly.
“There’s more I feel a need to explain, Kaname. But you said you had questions. Why don’t you ask another one now.” Sousuke wanted to keep Kaname involved in the conversation.
“Is being a soldier all you want in life, Sousuke? I know it has been everything that you have known since you were a young child. I just wonder….” Kaname didn’t want to say anything that sounded judgmental, or made Sousuke think she didn’t approve of the life he had lived. But, it was very important for her to get some idea of what he might see in his future.
“I am not certain, Kaname. As I mentioned, until recently, I never had much reason to consider that. Again, I beg your indulgence as I try to think things out for myself. I’m not boring you too much, am I?” He hoped that Kaname had greater staying power than she did as a Jindai student.
Much of the time he was still very quiet, holding to the philosophy that if something couldn’t be said in a few words, it wasn’t worth saying. But, as he matured, he began following a stream of consciousness that ran from a wellspring within him---there were times when he wanted to discuss things he found interesting or important.
In the past, Kaname had struggled to get him to speak. Would the Kaname of the here and now try to shut him up?
“Don‘t worry about me, Sousuke. It’s an important question for both of us….” Kaname moved closer to Sousuke, kicked off her shoes, and swung her legs up onto the couch. “Is it OK if I lay down? With my head in your lap?”
“Yes.” Sousuke moved a bit, making things easier for Kaname. When she was settled, he rubbed her temples gently, watching her close her eyes and smile.
“I have told you a little bit about my youth. The hardships I faced were not unlike those purposefully placed on young Spartans and Samurai. I was never fortunate enough to be treated like a Squire until I reached Mithril. With them, I was expected to be a knight before I was totally ready. Regardless, in my early days… after the death of my parents… I merely took what life gave me, and tried to move on.”
Kaname reached up and clasped her hand around one of Sousuke’s. She opened up her eyes and looked ahead of her, focusing lightly on the tiny and vague reflections on the far windows.
“Maybe it helped me become a better soldier. Spartan women did not bathe their newborn babies with water, but with wine, making it a sort of test of strength. They looked for the epileptic and sickly ones to lose control and go into convulsions. They believed that healthy ones would be toughened like steel and strengthened in their physique. The caretakers made certain to raise them as sensible, not fussy about their food… afraid of the dark or frightened of being left alone… or inclined to be unpleasantly awkward or whining. Young children went barefoot and naked, and were given little to eat. This was to encourage them to forage for food on their own, or steal. If they were caught, their punishment was for getting caught, not for stealing. At twelve, their training became more intense. They were weighed down by hard work and continuous exercises. They were also trained in physical exercises, such as dancing, gymnastics, and ballgames. Their clothing was kept to a minimum-often they only received one set for both winter and summer.” Sousuke yawned, then excused himself.
Kaname followed suit, and scolded him.
“My parents no doubt treated me well; but, once they died, my life was much like that of the Spartan youths, except that there was no dancing or ball games. I was thrown into battle early. The greater aptitude I showed, the more I was encouraged to do.”
Kaname looked very sorrowful. “Your life was so hard, Sousuke. I know mine was rough too… but I feel guilty ever having felt sorry for myself after hearing that.”
Sousuke squeezed Kaname’s hand. “Young Samurai were also put through vigorous exercise to teach them to endure hardship. They fasted… marched barefoot in the snow… and maintained rigid postures for long periods of time. Even when doing leisure activities… playing a musical instrument… dancing… young samurai had to be constantly on guard. Like the Spartans, it was important that they did not complain or showing signs of discomfort. In the same way, my masters and teachers in the mujahideen were tough. They wanted me vigilant. They would have driven me away had I shown any signs of weakness.“
Kaname began to understand how Sousuke could be so alert. She wondered if that alertness carried over into his sleep. She also wanted to know whether or not his days in Mithril had allowed had him a chance to normalize in some ways? Perhaps being in the college environment would help….
“There are two stories I have quoted in my works. Would you like to hear them? They are illustrative.” Sousuke coughed a moment, then yawned again.
“Go ahead Sousuke. If you hear me snoring, I’ll just be pretending.” Kaname smiled and looked up at Sousuke. “I’m just kidding. Big idiot!”
“If you say so. The Spartans had a legend about how a boy who had snuck away to check a trap for food, found a fox, and came back to camp only to discover that his commander had come to check on the group. Hiding the fox beneath his tunic, the boy came back to camp to take his punishment. The commander began to yell at him and give the boy a lecture. Meanwhile, the fox, who was still alive, had clawed into the boy’s stomach, and was gnawing the insides of the boy. The boy gave no sign that anything was happening, and finally keeled over and died. The boy was praised in his death when it was found out that he had ignored the pain.” Sousuke smiled at the look on Kaname’s face.
“That was horrible, Sousuke!” She sounded upset that he would even tell her such a tale.
“True. But, I learned to behave the same way after I was severely beaten once. The first time I was shot, I told no one. They found out when I passed out from a lack of blood. A similar Japanese story tells of a young swordsman who apprenticed himself to a famous fencing master. One day, while cooking rice, he was given a painful whack with a wooden sword by his master. This treatment was repeated at unexpected hours of the day and night, until the youth learned never to relax his guard and became the greatest swordsman in the land. I was treated severely when I let my guard down, so I made a habit of never doing it again.” Sousuke caught a hand that Kaname was swinging towards him playfully, seeing if she could prove otherwise.
“Sousuke… you’re going to hurt my feelings if you don’t let me win now and then!” Kaname scowled, but couldn’t keep it up.
“You need more training, Kaname” Sousuke moved a bit, trying to find a more comfortable way to sit.
“Do you want for me to get up, Sousuke?” Kaname lifted her head after propping herself up on her arm.
“Negative. I’m used to discomfort, remember?” He knocked her arm out from under her. “And, I’m fine.”
“Bully!” Kaname said with a laugh.
Sousuke’s face went a little stiff, then relaxed again.
“Sousuke?” Kaname had been looking at him. Why did his face suddenly change like that?
“My experiences as a child shaped me in many ways. No doubt you will realize that more and more as you spend time around me again. But, after going through what I did, I came to want to help others.” Sousuke thought a moment.
Another insight came to mind. He decided to go with it before it slipped away.
“I was not alone in my rough apprenticeship. Many young boys native to Afghanistan fought against the Soviet invasion. Those who survived, remained in war-fighting capacity. Many of those children were recruited, or fought because family members did. That was not he case with me. I needed food. I needed shelter. And I wanted to kill Russians. Maybe my need for vengeance was unusual for such a young age. But, it drove me to fight, and it left me scarred, physically and mentally. Some of what I do today might also be a means to balance out what I did as a child. If you like some day, perhaps you can watch some anime with me. Rurouni Kenshin. There are parallels there.” Sousuke felt his throat tighten.
As a child, he had killed many men. Not only that, his thirst for vengeance had led him to interrogate and torture captives in terrible ways. There were still memories that could awaken him from a sound sleep covered with sweat.
“Yes. I will do that. I would like to spend time doing things that you like, Sousuke. I hope you will feel the same way in regards to me.” Kaname’s voice and face were very sincere. That had Sousuke feeling hopeful, as she had been somewhat self-centered when he knew her before.
“Affirmative. I would like to spend time with you Kaname, no matter what we choose to do.” Sousuke did not feel sheepish or embarrassed to make that admission.
Kaname smiled.
“There are too many children in the world today that face terrible lives.” His words had the Kaname’s smile fading fast. “Mithril has attempted to stabilize certain areas of the globe that serve as breeding grounds for terrorist recruits. Despite that, there are more than 300,000 child soldiers around the world today, fighting in places like Sierra Leone, Liberia, Congo, Sudan, Sri Lanka, Afghanistan, and Burma. In Uganda, the ‘Lord’s Resistance Army’ is made up by more than 60% children.”
Kaname sat up again. It somehow didn’t feel right to be relaxing comfortably when Sousuke brought up facts like those.
“Children are fearless, Kaname. They can be made more so with pharmaceuticals. They are also unpredictable, a characteristic that some heartless men find very useful. Children eat less and are easier to manipulate. Armies raid villages... kill parents... beat children... supply them with drugs. Some of the boys may actually survive. The girls, most of who are usually used for cooking and sexual slavery, do not.” Sousuke remembered some of the scenes he saw fighting terrorists in Africa. Those too gave him sleepless nights. Worse, when there was no recourse, he had been forced to kill children who had been attempting to do the same to him and his allies.
That had been rough. Very rough. To come into a situation wanting to help children, only to end their lives… the pain was indescribable. It might be worth thinking about a life beyond fighting, simply to avoid any more situations like that.
“This is not a new thing. Children fought as far back as David versus Goliath. Youths fought in the Crusades. In the battle of New Market in the American Civil War, boys of the Virginia Militia fought, held their ground, and won the day. The Hitler Youth fought for the homeland. The Viet Cong used small numbers of child soldiers. But, the problem is growing and becoming more far-reaching. Children are not simply abducted. Some join willingly, just for shoes or food. Hunger and poverty drive parents to sell their child’s services. Daughters are sent to be soldiers when their marriage prospects are poor. I feel a need to help people like that, Kaname.” Sousuke sighed.
The choices ahead of him would certainly be difficult.
“I’m proud of you, Sousuke. Really, I am.” Kaanme scooted around some, then leaned over and gave Sousuke a kiss. “I just hope you understand that you can’t save them all. No one can.”
“Yes. You are right. In any case, when such children are set free from that horrible life, they do not go on to become soldiers with a cause…… like I did. The boys often wish to become priests. The girls want to become nurses.” Sousuke sighed again.
“Sousuke, it’s never too late to change, if you really want to. I hope you can understand that, too.” Kaname rested her forehead against his briefly, praying that Sousuke would take her words to heart.
“I would like to believe that, Kaname. My head may come to see that point, but my heart might have a hard time letting go. The same goes for your other statement.” Sousuke thought about one of the biggest hurdles he would have to clear, if he ever wanted to step away from Mithril altogether. “I have skills. I am very good at what I do. Mithril has need of soldiers of my caliber, and pilots who can work the Lambda Driver systems. Mithril works for the good of mankind as a whole, and had prevented a number of serious catastrophes. I have been instrumental in a number of those victories. That’s an awesome thought, Kaname. A very powerful truth.”
Kaname looked at Sousuke with something akin to sympathy. He really was very noble. Too noble for his own good. But, that was better than being arrogant or selfish.
Was that what she was doing? Being selfish? Arrogant? Should Sousuke change, just because she wanted to have him to herself?
Would she be able to sleep soundly at night, knowing that somewhere… probably many places… people were suffering that Sousuke might have helped? Then again, wouldn’t Mithril be able to find someone to replace him?
She might not be so fortunate herself.
“But what do you want? What would you feel happiest doing?” Kaname asked very softly. The answer might not change anything, but it would be important to her. “Just because you were raised like a samurai or a Spartan doesn’t mean that you have to spend your entire life the way they did. They are all gone. So are the knights. Things change, Sousuke.”
“I realize that, Kaname. But, the ideals of Bushido and Chivalry still have a place today. There were things that were common to both. Be loyal to one’s lord. That can mean being loyal to the one’s you pledge your service too, no matter how great or how meager they may be. Act on justice. If nobody is willing to make a stand, how will things get any better? Honor bravery. What kind of bravery would there be from turning away from my duty? Observe fidelity. Can I be faithful to Mithril AND a rather special individual at the same time? Value honor.” Sousuke had been ticking points off on his fingers, one by one. He didn’t know if he was serving as advocate… Devil’s advocate… both… or neither.
Kaname sat quietly. In one way, it was wonderful to see how Sousuke’s mind worked. It was reassuring to see just how strong his character was. But, she was feeling more worried by the minute.
Could Sousuke ever let go?
Had the ideals that he embraced been narrowly and rigidly assigned? Might he instead find some way to apply those same principles in the civilian world?
“Kaname, when I was brought into the organization, I pledged it my life, because it had given it back to me. I may have been much younger at the time, but my word still holds. Could you trust me completely if I broke my vow?” Sousuke wondered if he was being too strict. He would need to think about that as well.
“The codes were used to control and channel aggressive warlike spirits into behavior that was more acceptable to and safer for society. Following those principals helped me turn from a violent and bitterly hedonistic youth into the man I am today. To those warriors, it was important to be benevolent. Can I possibly do as much good away from Mithril, as I can do as a contributing member?” Sousuke’s eyes looked troubled. He was wrestling just as much with guilt as he was with an eagerness to do good.
Kaname opened her mouth to say ‘yes.’ She didn’t. Sousuke obviously needed to finish what he was trying to say. Also, it would bind him much more strongly, if she could help him see it and fell things for himself, not just hear the words coming off of her lips.
“Be polite. Aim at simplicity. Those do not pose any quandaries. Keep one’s principles. Be honest. Control oneself and have patience. Love one’s country. Pursue learning. Train in one’s martial arts. Believe in God or Buddha. Build up one’s courage and cultivate one’s fighting spirit. Broaden one’s mind. None of those are conflicting. Do one’s duty. That is the one that serves as the linchpin. The cornerstone. The pivotal question. What is my duty? Can you tell me that? Should I trust my own views? Could Mithril let me go without weakening itself and touching on its own duty and obligation to the world?” The thoughts just poured out of Sousuke. He grew more tense with every question he considered. This was not an issue that could be dealt with sitting on the couch with Kaname.
“It looks like you have a lot of thinking to do. I want you to promise me that you will tell me the conclusions you arrive at, Sousuke. I know we have only been going together for a couple of days; but, the things you decide on will greatly affect me too. Me, and the decisions that I need to make.” Kaname was disappointed. She understood that Sousuke had a very complex issue to deal with, but part of her had hoped that she could convince him to see things her way tonight.
“But, you still didn’t answer the one question. What would make you the happiest?” Kaname stood up and walked over to the window. She wanted to give Sousuke some space.
Looking down at his hands, Sousuke sat silently for a few minutes, the thoughts whirling about in his head. Want and happiness had been foreign terms to him for so long. He wasn’t entirely comfortable with the concept as it was. But, one image kept coming up.
Kaname. Kaname smiling. Kaname safe, smiling, and happy.
“I would be happiest being with you, Kaname. If it was what you wanted, and if it truly made you happy. But I would not be happy if it held you back in some way, or prevented you from meeting someone who was the perfect match for you.” Sousuke looked up at Kaname. She had blown her breath out, frosting the window. She sketched a quick heart.
Sousuke wondered if he had somehow betrayed himself, his code, or Mithril by making such an admission. He knew well the sanctions were that were used to punish deviation from the code of the samurai. Seppuku. That suicide was viewed as exquisite, allowing the samurai to regain his honor and demonstrating his sincerity by cutting his belly where his soul was thought to reside. That type of atonement was based on maintaining family honor, and from the Zen concept of the closeness of life and death. When life has more value than death, one should seek life; however, when death has more value, then one should choose death.
No, there was never any need to think about killing himself.
Kaname blew on the window again to highlighting her drawing. She then headed towards Sousuke. He was still caught up in thought.
The Church did not approve of the taking of one‘s own life, so suicide was not a sanction in Western Chivalry. In the West, warriors would be expelled from membership. They were taken out in public, insulted, disarmed, and expelled.
Could that happen with him, if he let his relationship with Kaname grew strong enough to the point that it was the driving force in his decision making?
Was there a middle road? Could he somehow pursue both things? Would it be possible to maintain some link to Mithril and further his relationship with Kaname? To find that answer, he needed to know more about himself. He needed to know more about Kaname.
She sat down on the floor by his feet, leaning back against his legs. “You sure can talk a lot, Sousuke.” She smiled. His honest answer had made her feel very good. “But I’ll keep you just the same.
“Kaname?” Sousuke thought that the best way to find answers was simply to ask questions. He would assume nothing. He was not good enough at reading cues to piece together the facts he needed.
“Yes, Sousuke?” Kaname shivered for a moment, hitting just the right spot as she rubbed her back along Sousuke’s leg.
“I am left with a need to consider the future. What about you? Have you considered what you need, or what you want?” Sousuke stretched out his arms, then moved one to loosen up his tight shoulder
Kaname stretched, herself. She was very glad that Sousuke had asked that question. It was something she had wanted to talk about. And, it gave her reason to think that he truly was going to start thinking more about the future.
“Yes, Sousuke. I’ve thought about things a lot, for different reasons on different days. Sometimes I get all gung ho and full of energy, then decide to think about all of the things I want to do and be. On other days, when I’m feeling down or discouraged, I think about the things I don’t have and wonder if I ever will.
Kaname turned around to glance at Sousuke. It had been and involuntary move, but it spoke volumes to the two of them.
“There are a lot of things to worry about, and a number of things to look forward to.,” Kaname picked up her legs for a moment, then swung around so that she was facing Sousuke. “Two of them have to do with the University. I need to worry about my course of study, and how I’m doing in my classes. I also have reason to consider what kind of job I want to have some day. That leads to more questions.”
“Where your job would be?” Sousuke asked.
“Yes. It might or might not be a moot point, depending on how many job interviews I get, and how many offers follow. But before I can even decide what kind of job I want, there is something else I have to consider.” Kaname looked at Sousuke a bit wistfully, then brought her knees up to her chest and hugged them. “I want to be a mother some day. I think I might like to have a number of children. I would want to give them the good things that I had as a child.”
Sousuke felt a certain uneasiness inside him. The thought of his having children had never been big on his mind. He had never been concerned about having his line continued through history. There had never been a woman other than Kaname who had even gotten him to think about relationships.
Did he want to have children? Could he ever live up the responsibilities that a father had? What exactly were all of the responsibilities?
Kaname watched as Sousuke turned pensive. She correctly predicted his thoughts. “Have you ever thought about having children Sousuke? If you gave your sons and daughters the same kind of dedication that you have shown Mithril, you might make a very good father.”
“It was never anything I had reason to contemplate, Kaname. At times, however....” Sousuke’s gaze seemed distant, distracted. “When I have rescued young children in the past, some have been very much in need. Others were very happy, and expressed their joy by wanting me and the other soldiers to take care of them. At those times....” Sousuke had felt something stir inside him in the past, but he had never known what to make of it.
Kaname smiled. There was a heart within that human Arm Slave. She was certain of it. Just what depths of emotion would Sousuke be capable of, considering all he had gone through in his life? How would his terrible life as a child affect the way he behaved as a parent? If he had normal paternal instincts, he might be a very protective father. Hopefully not overly so.
She also wondered just what kind of mother she would be. That thought suddenly seemed more relevant, sitting there talking with Sousuke.
“Well.... it looks like you have yet another thing to think about. And you thought school was hard.” Kaname laughed. “I guess life is just one big school. But, the teacher doesn’t always tell you what the assignments are, and there can be a test at any moment.” She grew a bit more solemn. “The assignments are very hard sometimes, Sousuke. And the grading isn’t always fair, is it?”
“No. But nobody ever said they would be.” Sousuke sighed. “It looks like I have a lot of extra studying to do.” He looked out of his window again. The city vista seemed to stretch on forever.
Kaname reached over and tugged on his pants leg. “It’s a group assignment, Sousuke. You can have as many people help you with it as you like. Want a study partner?”
Sousuke turned back to look at Kaname. “Yes.” It was an honest answer. That in itself taught Sousuke something. For some reason, he felt like lightening the mood some. “I need to go about finding one. Perhaps if I post a note on the campus bulletin board….” He rubbed his chin.
“Sousuke....” Kaname was glad to see that Sousuke wouldn’t become withdrawn or moody after coming to terms with the task ahead of him.
“I do know where I can find four partners. However, they may be a bit angry after today’s competition....” Sousuke expected Kaname to say ‘Sousuke!’
“Sousuke!” Kaname switched positions, moving so that she was now perched on her knees.
“Would it be simpler just to choose one of them? Perhaps. Would you help me with that, Kaname? I trust your judgment.” Sousuke kept a straight face. What would Kaname do, besides shouting? Smack him in the leg? Hug him and laugh? Make some kind of sarcastic rejoinder?
“SOUSUKE!” Kaname leaned over and bit Sousuke’s leg lightly.
“Owwwww.” Sousuke closed his eyes in mock pain. “You have kept your word, Kaname.”
“Sousuke?” Kaname didn’t remeber saying that she was going to nip him.
“Yes. It looks like I will now need the attention of the hospital staff. Human bites are potentially more dangerous than animal bites due to the number of bacteria in the human mouth. Streptococci. Staphylococci. Anaerobic organism. Eikenella corrodens. Potentially more pathogenic species.” He looked down at Kaname as if he were examining her. “ At times over the past few days, you have behaved wildly and erratically. I may also read to consider a rabies vaccine.”
“Rabies vaccine? Sousuke....” Kaname got to her feet. “Oooooh. That was just a love bite.” She smiled. “But, if you’re concerned, part of the treatment would be to wash the wound with soap and water under pressure. Like from a faucet... or a strong shower....” She sat next to him and whispered in his ear. “Want a real shower this time, soldier?”
Sousuke swallowed hard. His nonverbal answer was somewhere between ‘maybe’ and ‘yes.’ But, the two of them were in the middle of an important conversation. Besides, while part of him might want to play more serious romantic games with Kaname, he was not quite comfortable with that yet.
“Uh... that sounds like a nice idea. Can I have a rain check? I believe the wound is not as severe as I originally feared.”
Kaname had only been playing, but Sousuke’s answer suddenly made her consider the idea for real. She blushed, picturing herself in the shower with Sousuke. “Yes. Redeemable whenever you are ready. But, it’s only good for your shower, Sousuke.” Kaname still couldn’t get over the opulent nature of certain parts of the apartment building.
“I see. Very good. It is a very nice shower.” Sousuke cleared his throat. “What other things have you considered, Kaname. Besides school, work, and raising a family?”
“Romance, of course. A long term serious relationship. That’s what would lead to my having a family.” Kaname decided that she wouldn’t be too specific, even though she knew that Sousuke would know who she was thinking about. “I would like to find the right man. There is someone I’m interested in, but I still need to find out what he wants, and whether or not it makes sense taking a chance on him.”
She felt a little guilty putting things that way. She really did want Sousuke to give his life an honest appraisal, without making him feel pressured. He cared about her. Probably more than he had cared about anyone in his life. But, that by itself wouldn’t be enough. There were more things to say, and they would give him more information to squirrel away.
“I see. He must be a very fortunate man.” Sousuke did feel fortunate, almost humble. He hated waste himself, just as Kaname did. He did not want to develop a strong attachment to Kaname and get her hopes up, only to realize that his life did not have a place for her, her wants, and her needs. It was easy to get caught up in the moment. He needed to start thinking, not just reacting.
“Some people wouldn’t be so sure,” Kaname looked Sousuke in the eyes. “I don’t want to end up like a gypsy, Sousuke. I want to have a home some day. One I can work on together with my husband. A place where we can raise a family. I wouldn’t want to move from town to town, or base to base. I would rather be able to say ‘Hello’ to new friends, rather than ‘Good bye’ to old ones.
It was a dream she had. She truly hoped that it would come true, some day. So may of her other dreams had fallen through.
“You deserve stability, Kaname. It would appear that you would wish for someone who is usually at home, even though you have done well on your own.”
“Yes. I’ve done well on my own because I really haven’t had any other choice. When the day comes when I do have options, I want to be certain that I choose wisely. Don’t get me wrong. I understand that someone has to make sacrifices so that other people can remain free. I’m not certain that I want to be the one making such a sacrifice. It’s a high price to pay, a very hard life. I’ve already lived one of those. My Mother. The moving we had to do. Being Whispered. Everything. It is a tough thing to die for one’s country or for the sake of other people around the world. But, I think that it would be tougher to live without someone who died.” Kaname looked at Sousuke with a great deal of concern.
She didn’t want him to feel that she was some how rejecting him now, before they ever had a chance to see where their realtionship might go.
“I can understand that, Kaname. It is good to know how you feel.” Sousuke rubbed his hand over his cheek, then rubbed his lower lip with his finger.
“I hope you don’t think less of me Sousuke, seeing everything that you have been through yourself. I just want to be able to know what school my children will be going to each year. I want someone who can go to see the school plays, concerts, and sporting events. I want someone who will be there for the birth of those children, and for birthdays and anniversaries. When I buy furniture, I don’t want to wonder if it will fit in the next apartment, or whether it will survive traveling. I don’t want to buy different size drapes and curtains ever year or so.” Kaname took note of the intensity of her own feelings. She was speaking what she really felt. It was important to know just what she wanted, too.
Sousuke would not be the only one with difficult decisions to make.
“I think very highly of you, Kaname. I hope you let yourself believe that. There are few things that would cause me to lose faith in you, or see you in a different light.” Sousuke thought a moment, wanting to find the right words. “I have already told you that I would die for you. If my current feelings are any indication, it may be that I would also wish to live for you.”
“Sousuke….” Kaname was moved to kiss Sousuke again.
“I will ask you a favor, though.” Sousuke reluctantly pushed Kaname back so he could see her face.
“What favor, Sousuke?”
“We both have a lot of things to discover, and to consider. I would ask you to be patient with me. I would also ask if you could spend your time with dealing with nothing more than the single purpose of the present moment. Can you take one small thing at a time, just seeking to be true to that purpose?” Sousuke looked at Kaname intensely. He wanted their relationship to grow without a series of preset boundaries. He wanted to learn who Kaname was in every way possible, without worrying too much about the future.
Kaname understood what Sousuke meant. It was a surprisingly wise and mature request, and a timely one. She was very much on edge, feeling a need for some kind of answer as soon as possible. It was part of her nature. But just as Sousuke had ways in which he would have to change to be right for her, there were way that she would have to change as well.
If she rushed things, she might push Sousuke away, or arrive at the wrong conclusion.
“I can try, Sousuke. I will do my best for you, just as I know you always do your best for me. I have a question, though. I have a romantic view of how knights and their maidens lived. But, what kind of lives did Spartan women have? What was it like to be a samurai’s wife?” Kaname put her arms behind her neck and stretched her back. She wasn’t doing it to tease Sousuke.
“Uh…” Sousuke lost track of the question for a few seconds. “Yes. Sorry. I do not think you would have enjoyed being a Spartan woman, Kaname.” Sousuke eyed Kaname a moment longer, waiting to see if she would go through her stretching again.
Kaname blushed. “Behave, Sousuke.” She grinned. She certainly didn’t mind his attention. “What was wrong with being a Spartan’s wife?”
“A girl’s education was equally as brutal as the men's, and included many athletic events such as javelin, discus, foot races, and staged battles. In many such events, Spartan women would run naked in the presence of their male counterparts, and were respected for their athletic feats.” Sousuke looked away from Kaname.
“Really? If I did that, would you respect me for my athletic feats?” Kaname stretched again.
“Uh… yes… that too….” Sousuke couldn't help looking. He scolded himself. A Specialist should have some level of control.
“Well then, maybe being a Spartan wouldn’t be so bad.” She put her hands down on the couch, pushed, and slid closer to Sousuke.
“Hmmm. Really? Marriage for a Spartan woman was an almost non-ceremonial event. The woman was abducted in the night by her suitor….. her head was shaved….. she was made to wear men's clothing…. and she was made to lie on a straw pallet in the dark. From there on she would meet with her husband for almost entirely… um… procreative reasons. If she was formerly a girl, she became a woman through marriage.” Sousuke grinned at the look on Kaname’s face. When she put her hand to her hair, Sousuke smiled. That made her look somewhat cross.
“Hmmmpppfff!!!”
“Any Spartan man could abduct a wife, which led to a system of polyandry. There could be many husbands and one wife, or just the opposite. When a child was born, the woman had little to do with it's upbringing, rather nurses handled the child's care. A female Spartan child was subject to the same tests of strength as a male child.
“A woman could have a number of men?” Kaname smiled widely, hoping to send a small jolt of jealousy through Sousuke.
“Affirmative. A man could have more than one wife. Though, it was not as pleasant of a life as a sultan had with his harem.” Sousuke could play the same game. His jab had more sting, given the day’s events.
“No Spartan stuff!” Kaname made a rather sour face. It had Sousuke smiling again and Kaname shaking her fist at him.
“Affirmative,” Sousuke said. “The samurai class did not consist solely of men. Though frequently overlooked in history books, women had an important role during the samurai period, particularly in the early days. Samurai wives took on the responsibilities of running the households during times of war, overseeing the crops, servants, and finances.”
“That’s probably why there were samurai for so many years!” Kaname looked at Sousuke, daring him to claim otherwise.
“You are correct, Kaname.” Sousuke waited until Kaname put on a self-satisfied grin. “Without women, how could there ever have been future samurai?”
Kaname turned her head away from Sousuke.
Big jerk!
It wouldn’t hurt him any to admit that women were important, too.
“The women were trained in martial arts, and were expected to be skilled in the use of the naginata, a type of lance. Many samurai women defended their homes when under attack. Sometimes they even fought alongside the men in battle. One of the most famous female warriors was Tomoe Gozen, wife of Minamoto Yoshinaka. She fought bravely against the Taira clan during the Gempei War and was hailed as a gifted archer and swordswoman.” Sousuke wondered how Kaname would respond to that. An idea crossed his mind… a way they could spend time together… he could keep his skills sharp…. and Kaname could learn practical means of defense.
“I see. Is that the kind of woman you want, Mister? A warrior woman?” Kaname crossed her arms over her chest.
“It is not a necessity, Kaname. Women have many skills. I would not be adverse to having a woman who complimented me.” Sousuke wanted to make certain he didn’t leave Kaname with any misconceptions.
“I see. Fishing for compliments, are you?” Kaname flattened her lips.
“No… that’s not what I meant….” Sousuke answered before he realized that Kaname was playing with words.
“I know. I just wanted you to see who was more clever, that’s all.” Kaname held her nose up.
“Oh. I see. Well I’ve never had any doubt of that.” Sousuke’s inflection turned things around some. “Because you are so attractive, I have given you certain allowances.”
“Allowances?” Kaname’s eyes narrowed. “Well, let's talk about the things that I am going to allow you to do. Big idiot.”
“I see. I have upset you. Now is not the time to speak about something I had hoped to interest you in.” Sousuke stood up. He picked up the two empty glasses. “Would you like something more to drink, Kaname?”
Kaname ignored the offer. “What were you going to interest me in, Sousuke?”
“It is not important, Kaname. I do not wish to be disallowed any more than I have already been.” Sousuke grinned.
“Sousuke!” Kaname stood up.
“It is nothing weird. Nothing dangerous. But, you probably would not wish to do it. It probably is best to left it unsaid. Would you like something to snack on? Fruit, perhaps?” Sousuke turned as if he was about to carry the glasses down to the kitchen.
“What…… were….. you….. going….. to….. ask ….. me…..” Kaname’s one hand twitched. It was the hand she used to hold her halisen in.
“I attend a martial arts class a number of nights per week. It would be simple enough to teach another person the skills that I have obtained. Additionally, I visit a shooting range routinely. While I maintain my proficiency, I could also take time to teach anyone who might be interested.” he looked at Kaname, realizing that he very much wanted her take him up on at least one offer.
Kaname stood still, hit first by the sheer otaku nature of the idea. What made that moron think that she wanted to do or learn any of those things?
But, as she opened her mouth to make some flippant reply, she remembered that she wanted to find things to do with Sousuke…. Things she liked, and things that he liked.
And, there might be a pragmatic way to consider things as well. She was Whispered. While she hadn’t been troubled by anyone in three years, her good fortune could potentially turn at any time. All someone needed to do was realize just what she was.
“That’s a very nice offer, Sousuke. I may well take you up on that. As your guest, though…. I would ask if you would consider my offer for training first.” Kaname reached down to the table and opened up her purse.
“Kaname?”
“Do you like flavored lip balm Sousuke?” Kaname held a small applicator up to her lips.
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