[fic][oneshot]The Heart's Desire
Posted: Sun Oct 23, 2005 3:20 pm
The Heart's Desire
On the floor of Kaname Chidori’s apartment laid a white collared shirt soaked through with blood. A small trail of drops led to it from her front door.
“Sousuke, maybe we should take you to the hospital, just in case,” the blue haired girl voiced her concern over the gunshot wound her protector had sustained to his left arm.
“I can’t do that,” he responded flatly. “Gunshot wounds are required to be reported to the police. I can’t risk doing that. Besides, the bullet passed through. The injury has been cleaned and properly stitched. It won’t be a problem.” He’d been shot several times before during his life on the battlefield. Though the pain was undeniable, he knew this injury wasn’t very serious. His first aid skills had proved useful, as he’d stopped the bleeding, cleaned the area, and stitched it up himself. He now sat on a folding chair shirtless in the girl’s kitchen as she wrapped his arm in bandages.
Kaname finished the task in silence. Under normal circumstances, she might have been distracted by the handsome young man sitting so close to her with his hardened physique exposed. But at the moment, she was overwhelmed with worry and guilt. It had been her fault that he’d been injured after all.
Earlier that day...
They’d been walking home when they noticed a rough-looking man, perhaps a few years older than them, yelling at an elderly lady. Evidently, she’d bumped into him and he wasn’t about to let it slide.
However, Kaname wasn’t about to let his bullying slide either, and felt her temper flair.
“Hey, you jerk! Leave her alone!” she shouted as she began stalking towards them. Sousuke stopped her with a hand on her shoulder.
“We shouldn’t interfere. For now, he appears to only be verbally abusing her. Unless provoked, he most likely won’t attack her out in public,” he said as he appraised the situation. “And besides that...”
“How can you stand there and say that? He’s harassing someone who can’t possibly defend herself! It doesn’t matter if he hurts her or not, it’s still not right!” she glared at him for a moment for his cold reasoning and ran over to assist the old woman… and to dish out her own brand of justice.
“Chidori, wait!” But it was too late. ‘This is not good.’
Kaname hadn’t noticed that the thug wasn’t alone. On the other side of the street, Sousuke had observed the punk’s friends laughing and shouting for him to join them. There were at least a dozen of them. The man harassing the old woman probably would have eventually left quietly, but now the alert mercenary feared things were about to get out of hand.
“You got a problem, little girl?” the large bully yelled at Kaname when she bravely confronted him.
“Only when I see someone as ugly as you picking on little old ladies!”
“You should mind your own business, you brat.”
“I might have been able to but your stench too strong to ignore from up the road!”
The punk couldn’t believe what he was seeing. Here was a cute high school girl chewing him out. Him. People usually walked on the other side of the street when they saw him coming, and this little bitch thought she was going to cow him down? His friends were on the other side of the street laughing at him now because of the scene, further humiliating him. Kaname of course, was so intent on what she was doing that she’d never noticed his friends.
“You damn bitch!” he lunged to grab her, but she was already prepared. The athletic teenaged girl met his advance by leaping forward and driving her knee squarely into the bridge of his nose. She may not have been a soldier, but she was more than a match for some muscle headed thug. He fell backwards onto the sidewalk unconscious.
At seeing their friend being knocked out though, the gang stopped their laughing and joking. And before Kaname could check on the elderly lady, they were running towards her to stand up for their buddy. The girl heard the shouting and turned to see them moving in her direction. She then turned pale, finally realizing what Sousuke had been trying to warn her about.
As the pack neared her, she shut her eyes preparing for the worst. Then two gunshots were heard. When her eyes open, she watched as the two closest to her fell to the ground. Everyone turned to face the young man with a scar on his face holding a Glock pistol.
“Sousuke!” shouted Kaname, suddenly remembering he was there. She was quite relieved.
“Those were only rubber stun bullets, but they will be enough to cause considerable pain. So consider this your warning: leave the girl and the old woman alone and be on your way.” His voice was firm and assertive.
Kaname groaned. “Don’t tell them that, you idiot…” she muttered to herself.
“Rubber bullets? C’mon, guys! They won’t kill you and he doesn’t have enough to stop all of us!” shouted one of the more determined members of the group. But it was enough to rally the rest of the gang and they all charged at Sousuke.
The mercenary realized that telling them the rounds weren’t real might have been a mistake. He acknowledged that the thug was right; he didn’t have enough rounds to stop all of them. Even if he did, he didn’t have enough distance to take them all down before they were upon him. And using a stun grenade was out of the question with Kaname and other civilians so close by. Only one thing to do...
He fired off five rounds, dropping a few more of the enemy, and put his gun away to engage them in hand to hand combat.
The soldier made short work of the thugs. Some of them may have been larger than him, but their attacks were sloppy and unrefined. One by one they fell to his blows. But while he was dealing with them, the one that Kaname had knocked out started to stir. He looked around to see his friends fighting with someone and a pretty girl with blue hair cheering him on. As his thoughts came back to him, he suddenly remembered who she was. Rage overcame him at being humiliated by her.
After he’d finished with the last of the thugs, Sousuke saw him pulling a small handgun out of his pocket and aiming it at Kaname. “Chidori, get down!” Without thinking, he dived at Kaname, pushing her out of the way as the shot was fired. Sousuke grunted as the round hit his left arm. While falling, the Mithril agent pulled out his Glock again and returned fire, knocking the thug out.
Sousuke protectively covered Kaname with his body. The girl groaned from having the wind knocked out of her. “Thanks, Sousuke. I guess that was pretty careless of...” When Kaname saw her companion lying on the ground covered in blood, a wave of terror swept over her. Her good intentions had backfired horribly.
“Sousuke!” She got to her feet to help him up with tears forming in her eyes.
Present...
Having finished the task of wrapping his arm, the guilt-ridden girl could only stare at the floor in shame.
“…Sousuke?”
“Yes?” he acknowledged, while checking his bandage.
“I’m really... sorry,” she meekly told him while bowing deeply.
The man was a little stunned by this display and stopped fiddling with the bandage.
“Chidori, it’s all right. The injury is nothing significant and will heal up in…”
“It’s not all right! Sousuke, I could have gotten you kill! I’m always doing things like this! I jump to conclusions and do stupid things without thinking them through.” She was quiet for a moment before continuing in a whisper. “And this time it almost cost you your life.” She felt too ashamed to look him in the eye anymore. Both were silent for several seconds before Sousuke spoke up.
“...You were just... doing the right thing.”
“No, you were right. She wasn’t in danger. And I hadn’t been paying attention to everything else going on. I picked a fight I shouldn’t have and you had to jump in to help me again.”
Sousuke was very surprised to hear her talking like this. Considering how usually the roles were reversed, with him blowing something or another up and her trying her best to cover for him, she was being very modest. But bringing that up didn’t seem like it would help the situation. He hesitated for a while but finally decided to say what was on his mind.
“Chidori... there’s something I want you to know...” he told her, averting his eyes to the ground.
“Huh?” This was unexpected to Kaname and she looked up at Sousuke.
“Chidori, you’re rash, short-tempered, stubborn, and often act too heavily on your emotions at times, making protecting you difficult...”
“WHAT!” The shocked young woman looked like Sousuke had just slapped her. Though she felt she may have deserved it, she never expected Sousuke to be bluntly cruel to her when she was already feeling bad. But before she could explode at him for being an insensitive jerk, he continued speaking.
“…And there are times I really wish I could be more like you,” he confessed, finally looking her in the eye.
“I... I don’t understand...” Kaname replied, not really knowing what to make of what he was telling her.
Sousuke’s expression went grim and he hesitated for a long moment. “I’ve spent my entire life relying on my training to see me through whatever situation I came across. I had always believed that relying on your emotions would get you killed on the battlefield. I never questioned that logic because I believed that was the only way I could live. And it kept me alive for a long time but...”
Kaname swallowed hard. Her heart was pounding in her chest. She could see that he was striving to say something important to her. He struggled to find the words. Being open with his thoughts wasn’t something that came naturally to the mercenary. He closed his eyes and took a breath.
“I’ve done things that... in my heart, I didn’t feel were right or I didn’t want to do. We write those off as “acceptable losses” or “casualties of war” because tactically we stand to lose more if we don’t. Eventually, you learn to accept that way of thinking because if you don’t the guilt and doubt can get you killed or drive you insane. I’ve seen it happen.” Sousuke didn’t elaborate on the issue and Kaname didn’t press it. From what he’d said, there’d probably been times people had died and some part of him felt guilt over it. His past evidently had many scars that would take a long time to heal, if at all. She was curious, but through her own losses and hardships, the girl well understood that they were issues Sousuke would need time to sort out.
“...But since I’ve met you, I’ve started wondering if maybe I had another choice. Looking back, it was so easy for me to just follow my orders and assume that there was no other way. But I see how you live your life. Even in life or death situations you do things that are often downright reckless that no experienced, rational soldier would ever dream of doing,” Sousuke said incredulously, shaking his head. Kaname briefly pondered the irony of that statement. “Yet you often throw yourself into harms way for no reason other than it being the right thing to do at the time. And somehow... we always manage to come out okay,” he whispered that last part. “It makes me think that maybe there were times that I was wrong in how I've lived my life up until now.”
He looked up at her compassionate smile for a moment and did his best to return it before looking back down. It was moments like these that she seemed more beautiful than anything he’d ever known. Seeing the expression on her face was like looking into the sun. His hands were stained with blood. Someone like him didn’t deserve her concern or sympathy. It hurt to even see it.
Kaname leaned back against the wall with her hands folded behind her back. She looked up at the ceiling and smiled to herself, her cheeks a slight shade of pink. “I guess... I just feel that people should always try to do what they believe is right. It may be naïve, but I think there’s always a way to do the right thing. Someday my luck might run out, but... I have to be me, you know?”
Sousuke smiled a little at this. “That’s why I admire you. Everyone I know who has had to face death regularly has compromised who are to at least some degree in order to survive. Everyone but you. You’re the only one I know who’s been strong enough to stay true to yourself.”
That comment caused Kaname to blush. To hear Sousuke say something like that to her was quite flattering, but it was so unexpected that she didn’t know how to react. She could only stare open-mouthed for a moment, but quickly straightened up and dealt with her awkwardness the best way she knew how. “Knock it off! You’re embarrassing me!” she laughed in embarrassment. But she also felt greatly relieved as the burden of guilt was at least somewhat lifted from her.
Sousuke tensed when he heard her outburst. It was as if he’d just realized where he was and what he was saying. He suddenly felt very uncomfortable. He stood up from his seat abruptly. “Um… I apologize,” he said curtly. “I just... wanted you to know that. Thank you for tending to my injuries. I should be leaving now to write up my report for today,” he said in a rush, as he moved past her and towards the door. But she stopped him before he could leave by grabbing his right arm and holding it in both hands.
“Sousuke, wait,” she nearly pleaded. She waited for him to look at her. “What I meant to say was... thank you,” she offered him with her sincerest smile. Feeling slightly self-conscious, she let go of his arm and folded hers in front of her. Sousuke’s shoulders relaxed at her honest, shy smile. He hadn’t realized it, but he’d actually been very tense the whole time. But for him to be able to open up some of his feelings to her and for her to accept them made him feel a lot lighter.
Kaname’s smile disappeared when a sad thought came to her. She bit her lip deciding if she was ready to tell him what she was thinking. But if he could tell her the things he’d said, she could afford to open up to him a bit as well. “I’m not... as strong as you think I am, Sousuke. I’m really not that different from you. It may not seem like it, but I hold a lot of my feelings back... from the people I care about,” she added with a touch of sadness in her tone. “It’s easier to take being betrayed be someone when you haven’t put your heart in their hands than it is after you’ve told them how you feel.” She didn’t go into how she’d felt when her mother died or how close they’d been. The memories were too painful to bring up. And she certainly couldn’t bring herself to tell him her comment had been largely referring to him. “I guess it’s a lot like that for you. When you’re in a situation where people are probably going to die either way, it’s less painful to just let someone else make the call, isn’t it?”
Sousuke could only nod. He’d never thought about it like that but... he realized that she was right. “Maybe... we have more in common than I thought.” Something about that comment made the young woman feel very warm inside. It lifted both their spirits to know that despite their differences, somehow they understood each other.
She suddenly pushed herself away from the wall and grinned at him. “But you know, Sousuke...” she said with a little more liveliness in her voice. “The only reason I can act the way I do is because I know I have you with me. Yeah, you get us in a lot of trouble and I have to clean the mess up a lot of times, but I’ve caused my fair share too.” She almost sounded proud of the fact. “And it usually means more work for you.”
She briefly recalled how she’d gotten him into that fight with a rugby team. Another time, her rash judgment could have potentially ruined Mithril’s mission on the cruise ship during Christmas to protect her and her classmates. And on yet a different occasion, she’d almost been raped when she stood up for Ena Saeki who was being harassed while waiting for Sousuke to respond to her love letter. She had no doubt that she’d done the right thing. But it was frightening to think about how that would have turned out if Sousuke hadn’t been there to save them.
“The reason I’m still the way I am isn’t because I’m stronger than anyone else. It’s because of you. Because I know that no matter what happens, you’ll be right there for me. Even when you cause trouble for everyone, I can lose my temper because I know you’ll still accept me for who I am when it’s over.” She shook her head. “Not everyone would,” she whispered recalling how her life was when she first returned to Japan. “So don’t think you have to be like me. Just being yourself has gotten me out of more problems than I care to remember...” she said, smiling warmly at him, but it turned to a mischievous grin when she added “and gotten me into even more.”
It was Sousuke’s turn to blush. “Affirmative...”
Normally Kaname would have been far too self-conscious to tell Sousuke such things. But the things he’d told her made her feel stronger. And beside that... something in her heart told her not to let this moment slip. She realized that it might never come again. It wasn’t often that they had this type of conversation. Had they ever?
The girl moved closer to Sousuke and placed a hand on his sturdy bare shoulder, feeling a little daring. “I guess we’re both pretty extreme at times,” she admitted. “But between the two of us looking out for each other, I think we manage to get by all right.”
“I agree,” the soldier replied, returning her smile.
The two just smiled at each other for a long moment before mischievous thought came to the blue-haired girl. “Hey, I’ve got an idea. You said that you admired that I do what I think is right even though it’s sometimes reckless, right?”
Her wide, scheming grin left him somewhat uncomfortable. "Chidori?" He was worried where this was going.
"Why don't you try doing something wild and reckless?" She sounded almost giddy.
"Uh... I was under the impression that you considered most things I do to be reckless."
"I don't mean blowing things up or shooting people! I mean doing something your heart tells you to do even though it's against your training."
"I... don't think that's such a good idea." Her suggestion had him feeling nervous. "I follow my training because it's a sure way to keep you safe. Going against it could be dangerous."
She rolled her eyes. "I can't believe you, of all people, are telling me about danger! Look, you were just telling me how you thought you should be more like me. Now here's your chance to prove you're not all talk! There's got to be something you've always wanted to try! A full body massage! A gut-busting meal at an all-you-can-eat buffet! Maybe we can even try to give you another haircut at the saloon. Anything!"
He was quiet for a long moment. None of the things she'd mentioned really appealed to him. But there was one thing that he'd wanted to do for a long time. "...Anything?" he asked, skeptically.
"Sure! I trust you. It's not like your heart's desire is to blow up buildings or go on a shooting spree, right?"
Sousuke shook his head. "No, nothing like that. It's just... no, this is silly. I really should get--"
"Oh, c'mon! I can tell you just thought of something. Whatever it is, let's do it! It'll be your first step to finally being your own person."
Sousuke was getting his first dose of peer pressure and was slowly but surely cracking under her infectious enthusiasm. "I don't--"
"You might even have fun doing it!"
"I..."
"Sousuke, just do it!"
Her tone had suddenly changed from happy and enthusiastic to one of agitation. The sharp command in her voice stunned him out of his indecision. Before he could even consider the consequences, he gave into her demands, as well as his own hidden desires, and did one of the most stupid and reckless things a soldier could do...
He kissed her.
It was a clumsy kiss at first. Neither had really kissed anyone for real before. But by the time they realized what was happening, Kaname had already unconsciously started returning the kiss and closed her eyes, and the inexperienced pair slowly got used to the feeling. Sousuke noted how incredibly soft and warm her lips felt against his. The moment was both terrifying and exciting at the same time. Kaname simply couldn't stop trembling from the overwhelming feelings running through her. They couldn't summon the courage to wrapped their arms around each other, save for the right hand Sousuke had placed on her cheek to pull her to him. But they didn't dare break the kiss either, afraid of ending this incredible moment. But finally, after several seconds that seemed all too short, they finally parted.
When Leonard had kissed Kaname, it had been nothing like this. She'd never returned it. She'd never felt the feelings she'd felt with this one. And Sousuke's kiss with Mizuki had been nothing more to him than the mundane act of pressing his lips to hers. No more intimate than CPR. It occurred to the young couple that this had been their first real kiss and nothing could be compared to it.
Both their faces were red and neither could bring themselves to look at the other. But as the fog slowly cleared from their minds, Kaname finally spoke.
"That... was the reckless thing that you really wanted to do?" Sousuke could only bring himself to nod. When she'd made her suggestion to him, this had been the last thing she'd expected he'd do.
"I'm sorry," he said, ashamed, unsure of her feelings regarding it. But at the tone of his voice, doubt started to set into her mind.
"Do you... regret it?" she asked, sounding terribly vulnerable.
"I... I don't if you don't," he responded, unsure of what the right answer would be.
The girl smiled at seeing her strong and stoic bodyguard behaving so timidly. She gently lifted his chin to look at her. "Thank you, Sousuke."
Sousuke smiled back at her. They stared at each other for a long moment, trying to think of what else to say.
Sousuke wanted to tell her more. He wanted to tell her so much more. He wanted to pull her close and kiss her again. But in the end, all he could bring himself to say was, "I... suppose I should... go home now."
Kaname also had more she wanted to say. She wanted to tell him she loved him. She wanted to say how the kiss made her feel. Part of her even wanted to beg him to stay with her tonight. But all she could bring herself to do was offer to walk him out, after carefully helping him put his bloodied shirt back on.
They both sighed, disappointed at their lack of courage. She'd offered for him to do anything he'd wanted and kissing her was the one thing he'd chosen to do. It must have meant that he felt the same way she did, right? So why was she so afraid?
He'd kissed her and she'd accepted it. She'd even returned it. He was sure she wouldn't shoot him down if he suggested they become more than friends. So why was he hesitating?
At the door they could only smile sadly at each other, both knowing what the other wanted, but unable to act on it.
"Thank you again for tending to my injury. I'll see you tomorrow?" She nodded her head to him and with that he headed off on the lonely trek back to his own apartment. Kaname slowly closed the door behind him and leaned against it for several minutes, touching her fingers to her still trembling lips.
The next day things would probably go back to normal. They would act as if nothing had happened. Though unspoken, they both knew that it would be this way. It made them sad, but alone in their respective bedrooms, they both smiled slightly. In the end, whatever their reasons for hesitating, they just weren't ready. But even if they didn't say it today, they knew the feelings were still there. The rest could wait. Someday they'd find the courage to say how they felt out loud. But for now, the tender sensation on their lips and the warm feeling in their hearts was enough.
******
A/N: This was my first attempt at straight WAFF outside of internalization. None of my other fics have really gotten that far just yet.
With all the complications involved in Sousuke and Kaname's characters, I think it'd be very difficult to justify them putting all that aside and becoming a couple in a short oneshot fic. So this story is a contrast to my other work. Normally my main focus is characterization and I try to fit everything else around that. This time, I wanted certain emotions and confessions to come out, and tried my best to justify them saying some things to each other that they normally would keep locked within themselves. It's possible that I stretched characterization just a tad to move them along. While it's not something I normally do, I'm pretty happy with the result.
I also explored another angle of their relationship. Generally, it's Sousuke who jumps to the wrong conclusion and Kaname who has to clean up after him. However, there are times that gets careless and needs to be bailed out. Here I addressed what might happen if one of those times things went horribly wrong.
And finally, even after the kiss, I didn't want to end this story with them becoming a couple. I thought it would be too much, too fast. I was already pushing it by having Sousuke kiss her in the first place, but tried to justify it by making it a spur-of-the-moment thing. So instead of having them completely drop their shells, they peaked out of them briefly before returning to them. Frankly, I think it's that type of behavior marks their entire relationship throughout the series.
I hope you enjoyed reading it and please give me some feedback on it.
On the floor of Kaname Chidori’s apartment laid a white collared shirt soaked through with blood. A small trail of drops led to it from her front door.
“Sousuke, maybe we should take you to the hospital, just in case,” the blue haired girl voiced her concern over the gunshot wound her protector had sustained to his left arm.
“I can’t do that,” he responded flatly. “Gunshot wounds are required to be reported to the police. I can’t risk doing that. Besides, the bullet passed through. The injury has been cleaned and properly stitched. It won’t be a problem.” He’d been shot several times before during his life on the battlefield. Though the pain was undeniable, he knew this injury wasn’t very serious. His first aid skills had proved useful, as he’d stopped the bleeding, cleaned the area, and stitched it up himself. He now sat on a folding chair shirtless in the girl’s kitchen as she wrapped his arm in bandages.
Kaname finished the task in silence. Under normal circumstances, she might have been distracted by the handsome young man sitting so close to her with his hardened physique exposed. But at the moment, she was overwhelmed with worry and guilt. It had been her fault that he’d been injured after all.
Earlier that day...
They’d been walking home when they noticed a rough-looking man, perhaps a few years older than them, yelling at an elderly lady. Evidently, she’d bumped into him and he wasn’t about to let it slide.
However, Kaname wasn’t about to let his bullying slide either, and felt her temper flair.
“Hey, you jerk! Leave her alone!” she shouted as she began stalking towards them. Sousuke stopped her with a hand on her shoulder.
“We shouldn’t interfere. For now, he appears to only be verbally abusing her. Unless provoked, he most likely won’t attack her out in public,” he said as he appraised the situation. “And besides that...”
“How can you stand there and say that? He’s harassing someone who can’t possibly defend herself! It doesn’t matter if he hurts her or not, it’s still not right!” she glared at him for a moment for his cold reasoning and ran over to assist the old woman… and to dish out her own brand of justice.
“Chidori, wait!” But it was too late. ‘This is not good.’
Kaname hadn’t noticed that the thug wasn’t alone. On the other side of the street, Sousuke had observed the punk’s friends laughing and shouting for him to join them. There were at least a dozen of them. The man harassing the old woman probably would have eventually left quietly, but now the alert mercenary feared things were about to get out of hand.
“You got a problem, little girl?” the large bully yelled at Kaname when she bravely confronted him.
“Only when I see someone as ugly as you picking on little old ladies!”
“You should mind your own business, you brat.”
“I might have been able to but your stench too strong to ignore from up the road!”
The punk couldn’t believe what he was seeing. Here was a cute high school girl chewing him out. Him. People usually walked on the other side of the street when they saw him coming, and this little bitch thought she was going to cow him down? His friends were on the other side of the street laughing at him now because of the scene, further humiliating him. Kaname of course, was so intent on what she was doing that she’d never noticed his friends.
“You damn bitch!” he lunged to grab her, but she was already prepared. The athletic teenaged girl met his advance by leaping forward and driving her knee squarely into the bridge of his nose. She may not have been a soldier, but she was more than a match for some muscle headed thug. He fell backwards onto the sidewalk unconscious.
At seeing their friend being knocked out though, the gang stopped their laughing and joking. And before Kaname could check on the elderly lady, they were running towards her to stand up for their buddy. The girl heard the shouting and turned to see them moving in her direction. She then turned pale, finally realizing what Sousuke had been trying to warn her about.
As the pack neared her, she shut her eyes preparing for the worst. Then two gunshots were heard. When her eyes open, she watched as the two closest to her fell to the ground. Everyone turned to face the young man with a scar on his face holding a Glock pistol.
“Sousuke!” shouted Kaname, suddenly remembering he was there. She was quite relieved.
“Those were only rubber stun bullets, but they will be enough to cause considerable pain. So consider this your warning: leave the girl and the old woman alone and be on your way.” His voice was firm and assertive.
Kaname groaned. “Don’t tell them that, you idiot…” she muttered to herself.
“Rubber bullets? C’mon, guys! They won’t kill you and he doesn’t have enough to stop all of us!” shouted one of the more determined members of the group. But it was enough to rally the rest of the gang and they all charged at Sousuke.
The mercenary realized that telling them the rounds weren’t real might have been a mistake. He acknowledged that the thug was right; he didn’t have enough rounds to stop all of them. Even if he did, he didn’t have enough distance to take them all down before they were upon him. And using a stun grenade was out of the question with Kaname and other civilians so close by. Only one thing to do...
He fired off five rounds, dropping a few more of the enemy, and put his gun away to engage them in hand to hand combat.
The soldier made short work of the thugs. Some of them may have been larger than him, but their attacks were sloppy and unrefined. One by one they fell to his blows. But while he was dealing with them, the one that Kaname had knocked out started to stir. He looked around to see his friends fighting with someone and a pretty girl with blue hair cheering him on. As his thoughts came back to him, he suddenly remembered who she was. Rage overcame him at being humiliated by her.
After he’d finished with the last of the thugs, Sousuke saw him pulling a small handgun out of his pocket and aiming it at Kaname. “Chidori, get down!” Without thinking, he dived at Kaname, pushing her out of the way as the shot was fired. Sousuke grunted as the round hit his left arm. While falling, the Mithril agent pulled out his Glock again and returned fire, knocking the thug out.
Sousuke protectively covered Kaname with his body. The girl groaned from having the wind knocked out of her. “Thanks, Sousuke. I guess that was pretty careless of...” When Kaname saw her companion lying on the ground covered in blood, a wave of terror swept over her. Her good intentions had backfired horribly.
“Sousuke!” She got to her feet to help him up with tears forming in her eyes.
Present...
Having finished the task of wrapping his arm, the guilt-ridden girl could only stare at the floor in shame.
“…Sousuke?”
“Yes?” he acknowledged, while checking his bandage.
“I’m really... sorry,” she meekly told him while bowing deeply.
The man was a little stunned by this display and stopped fiddling with the bandage.
“Chidori, it’s all right. The injury is nothing significant and will heal up in…”
“It’s not all right! Sousuke, I could have gotten you kill! I’m always doing things like this! I jump to conclusions and do stupid things without thinking them through.” She was quiet for a moment before continuing in a whisper. “And this time it almost cost you your life.” She felt too ashamed to look him in the eye anymore. Both were silent for several seconds before Sousuke spoke up.
“...You were just... doing the right thing.”
“No, you were right. She wasn’t in danger. And I hadn’t been paying attention to everything else going on. I picked a fight I shouldn’t have and you had to jump in to help me again.”
Sousuke was very surprised to hear her talking like this. Considering how usually the roles were reversed, with him blowing something or another up and her trying her best to cover for him, she was being very modest. But bringing that up didn’t seem like it would help the situation. He hesitated for a while but finally decided to say what was on his mind.
“Chidori... there’s something I want you to know...” he told her, averting his eyes to the ground.
“Huh?” This was unexpected to Kaname and she looked up at Sousuke.
“Chidori, you’re rash, short-tempered, stubborn, and often act too heavily on your emotions at times, making protecting you difficult...”
“WHAT!” The shocked young woman looked like Sousuke had just slapped her. Though she felt she may have deserved it, she never expected Sousuke to be bluntly cruel to her when she was already feeling bad. But before she could explode at him for being an insensitive jerk, he continued speaking.
“…And there are times I really wish I could be more like you,” he confessed, finally looking her in the eye.
“I... I don’t understand...” Kaname replied, not really knowing what to make of what he was telling her.
Sousuke’s expression went grim and he hesitated for a long moment. “I’ve spent my entire life relying on my training to see me through whatever situation I came across. I had always believed that relying on your emotions would get you killed on the battlefield. I never questioned that logic because I believed that was the only way I could live. And it kept me alive for a long time but...”
Kaname swallowed hard. Her heart was pounding in her chest. She could see that he was striving to say something important to her. He struggled to find the words. Being open with his thoughts wasn’t something that came naturally to the mercenary. He closed his eyes and took a breath.
“I’ve done things that... in my heart, I didn’t feel were right or I didn’t want to do. We write those off as “acceptable losses” or “casualties of war” because tactically we stand to lose more if we don’t. Eventually, you learn to accept that way of thinking because if you don’t the guilt and doubt can get you killed or drive you insane. I’ve seen it happen.” Sousuke didn’t elaborate on the issue and Kaname didn’t press it. From what he’d said, there’d probably been times people had died and some part of him felt guilt over it. His past evidently had many scars that would take a long time to heal, if at all. She was curious, but through her own losses and hardships, the girl well understood that they were issues Sousuke would need time to sort out.
“...But since I’ve met you, I’ve started wondering if maybe I had another choice. Looking back, it was so easy for me to just follow my orders and assume that there was no other way. But I see how you live your life. Even in life or death situations you do things that are often downright reckless that no experienced, rational soldier would ever dream of doing,” Sousuke said incredulously, shaking his head. Kaname briefly pondered the irony of that statement. “Yet you often throw yourself into harms way for no reason other than it being the right thing to do at the time. And somehow... we always manage to come out okay,” he whispered that last part. “It makes me think that maybe there were times that I was wrong in how I've lived my life up until now.”
He looked up at her compassionate smile for a moment and did his best to return it before looking back down. It was moments like these that she seemed more beautiful than anything he’d ever known. Seeing the expression on her face was like looking into the sun. His hands were stained with blood. Someone like him didn’t deserve her concern or sympathy. It hurt to even see it.
Kaname leaned back against the wall with her hands folded behind her back. She looked up at the ceiling and smiled to herself, her cheeks a slight shade of pink. “I guess... I just feel that people should always try to do what they believe is right. It may be naïve, but I think there’s always a way to do the right thing. Someday my luck might run out, but... I have to be me, you know?”
Sousuke smiled a little at this. “That’s why I admire you. Everyone I know who has had to face death regularly has compromised who are to at least some degree in order to survive. Everyone but you. You’re the only one I know who’s been strong enough to stay true to yourself.”
That comment caused Kaname to blush. To hear Sousuke say something like that to her was quite flattering, but it was so unexpected that she didn’t know how to react. She could only stare open-mouthed for a moment, but quickly straightened up and dealt with her awkwardness the best way she knew how. “Knock it off! You’re embarrassing me!” she laughed in embarrassment. But she also felt greatly relieved as the burden of guilt was at least somewhat lifted from her.
Sousuke tensed when he heard her outburst. It was as if he’d just realized where he was and what he was saying. He suddenly felt very uncomfortable. He stood up from his seat abruptly. “Um… I apologize,” he said curtly. “I just... wanted you to know that. Thank you for tending to my injuries. I should be leaving now to write up my report for today,” he said in a rush, as he moved past her and towards the door. But she stopped him before he could leave by grabbing his right arm and holding it in both hands.
“Sousuke, wait,” she nearly pleaded. She waited for him to look at her. “What I meant to say was... thank you,” she offered him with her sincerest smile. Feeling slightly self-conscious, she let go of his arm and folded hers in front of her. Sousuke’s shoulders relaxed at her honest, shy smile. He hadn’t realized it, but he’d actually been very tense the whole time. But for him to be able to open up some of his feelings to her and for her to accept them made him feel a lot lighter.
Kaname’s smile disappeared when a sad thought came to her. She bit her lip deciding if she was ready to tell him what she was thinking. But if he could tell her the things he’d said, she could afford to open up to him a bit as well. “I’m not... as strong as you think I am, Sousuke. I’m really not that different from you. It may not seem like it, but I hold a lot of my feelings back... from the people I care about,” she added with a touch of sadness in her tone. “It’s easier to take being betrayed be someone when you haven’t put your heart in their hands than it is after you’ve told them how you feel.” She didn’t go into how she’d felt when her mother died or how close they’d been. The memories were too painful to bring up. And she certainly couldn’t bring herself to tell him her comment had been largely referring to him. “I guess it’s a lot like that for you. When you’re in a situation where people are probably going to die either way, it’s less painful to just let someone else make the call, isn’t it?”
Sousuke could only nod. He’d never thought about it like that but... he realized that she was right. “Maybe... we have more in common than I thought.” Something about that comment made the young woman feel very warm inside. It lifted both their spirits to know that despite their differences, somehow they understood each other.
She suddenly pushed herself away from the wall and grinned at him. “But you know, Sousuke...” she said with a little more liveliness in her voice. “The only reason I can act the way I do is because I know I have you with me. Yeah, you get us in a lot of trouble and I have to clean the mess up a lot of times, but I’ve caused my fair share too.” She almost sounded proud of the fact. “And it usually means more work for you.”
She briefly recalled how she’d gotten him into that fight with a rugby team. Another time, her rash judgment could have potentially ruined Mithril’s mission on the cruise ship during Christmas to protect her and her classmates. And on yet a different occasion, she’d almost been raped when she stood up for Ena Saeki who was being harassed while waiting for Sousuke to respond to her love letter. She had no doubt that she’d done the right thing. But it was frightening to think about how that would have turned out if Sousuke hadn’t been there to save them.
“The reason I’m still the way I am isn’t because I’m stronger than anyone else. It’s because of you. Because I know that no matter what happens, you’ll be right there for me. Even when you cause trouble for everyone, I can lose my temper because I know you’ll still accept me for who I am when it’s over.” She shook her head. “Not everyone would,” she whispered recalling how her life was when she first returned to Japan. “So don’t think you have to be like me. Just being yourself has gotten me out of more problems than I care to remember...” she said, smiling warmly at him, but it turned to a mischievous grin when she added “and gotten me into even more.”
It was Sousuke’s turn to blush. “Affirmative...”
Normally Kaname would have been far too self-conscious to tell Sousuke such things. But the things he’d told her made her feel stronger. And beside that... something in her heart told her not to let this moment slip. She realized that it might never come again. It wasn’t often that they had this type of conversation. Had they ever?
The girl moved closer to Sousuke and placed a hand on his sturdy bare shoulder, feeling a little daring. “I guess we’re both pretty extreme at times,” she admitted. “But between the two of us looking out for each other, I think we manage to get by all right.”
“I agree,” the soldier replied, returning her smile.
The two just smiled at each other for a long moment before mischievous thought came to the blue-haired girl. “Hey, I’ve got an idea. You said that you admired that I do what I think is right even though it’s sometimes reckless, right?”
Her wide, scheming grin left him somewhat uncomfortable. "Chidori?" He was worried where this was going.
"Why don't you try doing something wild and reckless?" She sounded almost giddy.
"Uh... I was under the impression that you considered most things I do to be reckless."
"I don't mean blowing things up or shooting people! I mean doing something your heart tells you to do even though it's against your training."
"I... don't think that's such a good idea." Her suggestion had him feeling nervous. "I follow my training because it's a sure way to keep you safe. Going against it could be dangerous."
She rolled her eyes. "I can't believe you, of all people, are telling me about danger! Look, you were just telling me how you thought you should be more like me. Now here's your chance to prove you're not all talk! There's got to be something you've always wanted to try! A full body massage! A gut-busting meal at an all-you-can-eat buffet! Maybe we can even try to give you another haircut at the saloon. Anything!"
He was quiet for a long moment. None of the things she'd mentioned really appealed to him. But there was one thing that he'd wanted to do for a long time. "...Anything?" he asked, skeptically.
"Sure! I trust you. It's not like your heart's desire is to blow up buildings or go on a shooting spree, right?"
Sousuke shook his head. "No, nothing like that. It's just... no, this is silly. I really should get--"
"Oh, c'mon! I can tell you just thought of something. Whatever it is, let's do it! It'll be your first step to finally being your own person."
Sousuke was getting his first dose of peer pressure and was slowly but surely cracking under her infectious enthusiasm. "I don't--"
"You might even have fun doing it!"
"I..."
"Sousuke, just do it!"
Her tone had suddenly changed from happy and enthusiastic to one of agitation. The sharp command in her voice stunned him out of his indecision. Before he could even consider the consequences, he gave into her demands, as well as his own hidden desires, and did one of the most stupid and reckless things a soldier could do...
He kissed her.
It was a clumsy kiss at first. Neither had really kissed anyone for real before. But by the time they realized what was happening, Kaname had already unconsciously started returning the kiss and closed her eyes, and the inexperienced pair slowly got used to the feeling. Sousuke noted how incredibly soft and warm her lips felt against his. The moment was both terrifying and exciting at the same time. Kaname simply couldn't stop trembling from the overwhelming feelings running through her. They couldn't summon the courage to wrapped their arms around each other, save for the right hand Sousuke had placed on her cheek to pull her to him. But they didn't dare break the kiss either, afraid of ending this incredible moment. But finally, after several seconds that seemed all too short, they finally parted.
When Leonard had kissed Kaname, it had been nothing like this. She'd never returned it. She'd never felt the feelings she'd felt with this one. And Sousuke's kiss with Mizuki had been nothing more to him than the mundane act of pressing his lips to hers. No more intimate than CPR. It occurred to the young couple that this had been their first real kiss and nothing could be compared to it.
Both their faces were red and neither could bring themselves to look at the other. But as the fog slowly cleared from their minds, Kaname finally spoke.
"That... was the reckless thing that you really wanted to do?" Sousuke could only bring himself to nod. When she'd made her suggestion to him, this had been the last thing she'd expected he'd do.
"I'm sorry," he said, ashamed, unsure of her feelings regarding it. But at the tone of his voice, doubt started to set into her mind.
"Do you... regret it?" she asked, sounding terribly vulnerable.
"I... I don't if you don't," he responded, unsure of what the right answer would be.
The girl smiled at seeing her strong and stoic bodyguard behaving so timidly. She gently lifted his chin to look at her. "Thank you, Sousuke."
Sousuke smiled back at her. They stared at each other for a long moment, trying to think of what else to say.
Sousuke wanted to tell her more. He wanted to tell her so much more. He wanted to pull her close and kiss her again. But in the end, all he could bring himself to say was, "I... suppose I should... go home now."
Kaname also had more she wanted to say. She wanted to tell him she loved him. She wanted to say how the kiss made her feel. Part of her even wanted to beg him to stay with her tonight. But all she could bring herself to do was offer to walk him out, after carefully helping him put his bloodied shirt back on.
They both sighed, disappointed at their lack of courage. She'd offered for him to do anything he'd wanted and kissing her was the one thing he'd chosen to do. It must have meant that he felt the same way she did, right? So why was she so afraid?
He'd kissed her and she'd accepted it. She'd even returned it. He was sure she wouldn't shoot him down if he suggested they become more than friends. So why was he hesitating?
At the door they could only smile sadly at each other, both knowing what the other wanted, but unable to act on it.
"Thank you again for tending to my injury. I'll see you tomorrow?" She nodded her head to him and with that he headed off on the lonely trek back to his own apartment. Kaname slowly closed the door behind him and leaned against it for several minutes, touching her fingers to her still trembling lips.
The next day things would probably go back to normal. They would act as if nothing had happened. Though unspoken, they both knew that it would be this way. It made them sad, but alone in their respective bedrooms, they both smiled slightly. In the end, whatever their reasons for hesitating, they just weren't ready. But even if they didn't say it today, they knew the feelings were still there. The rest could wait. Someday they'd find the courage to say how they felt out loud. But for now, the tender sensation on their lips and the warm feeling in their hearts was enough.
******
A/N: This was my first attempt at straight WAFF outside of internalization. None of my other fics have really gotten that far just yet.
With all the complications involved in Sousuke and Kaname's characters, I think it'd be very difficult to justify them putting all that aside and becoming a couple in a short oneshot fic. So this story is a contrast to my other work. Normally my main focus is characterization and I try to fit everything else around that. This time, I wanted certain emotions and confessions to come out, and tried my best to justify them saying some things to each other that they normally would keep locked within themselves. It's possible that I stretched characterization just a tad to move them along. While it's not something I normally do, I'm pretty happy with the result.
I also explored another angle of their relationship. Generally, it's Sousuke who jumps to the wrong conclusion and Kaname who has to clean up after him. However, there are times that gets careless and needs to be bailed out. Here I addressed what might happen if one of those times things went horribly wrong.
And finally, even after the kiss, I didn't want to end this story with them becoming a couple. I thought it would be too much, too fast. I was already pushing it by having Sousuke kiss her in the first place, but tried to justify it by making it a spur-of-the-moment thing. So instead of having them completely drop their shells, they peaked out of them briefly before returning to them. Frankly, I think it's that type of behavior marks their entire relationship throughout the series.
I hope you enjoyed reading it and please give me some feedback on it.
