FullMetal*Panic!

A/N:

Yeh, it's not FMP. I suppose I could have written it happening to Sousuke, but it seemed more like something that might happen to a certain loud-mouthed ninja.

I owe a debt of inspiration to Taurec. This story was propted by something he posted on the 'Other Topic' site under the heading of 'The Hazards of Cat Ownership'. Ouch. I had to write something after reading it.

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The shower water was coming in spurts again.

Worse, every so often, the hot water just died, leaving an icy cold spray to torment the angry shinobi.

“This sucks,” Naruto shouted, enraged. “This really sucks big time!” It had not been his day. No. Rewind that. It had not been his week.

First, after getting back from a mission he had gone off on with Sai, Yamato, and Sakura, he returned to the village to find out that the senior city council members had finally managed to twist Tsunade’s arm.

‘You’re confined to Konoha for the next two weeks,’ the Hokage had said. The threats she had used were a clear indication that she was serious, and in no mood to argue. Worse, since he wasn’t going anywhere and Iruka had come down with some kind of freaking respiratory illness, the village’s loudest and most unpredictable ninja had been assigned to teach the Academy students.

“Stupid brats!” Naruto cursed when the soap slipped out of his fingers. Reaching for it, he banged his elbow on the shower tiles, leaving his arm tingling. “What is Iruka-sensei teaching them? The little jerks wouldn’t listen.” Blind to the irony, he slipped on a slick part of the shower floor and landed hard on his rump, sending a shooting pain right up his coccyx.

Yes, being held in the village like some diaper-wearing genin was bad enough. But, because he was available, and seeing that most experienced shinobi from chuunin on up were off on missions, Naruto found a lot of people at his door asking for favors.

He had Kakashi’s plant to water. Sakura’s parakeet held off screeching until he fell asleep at night, miraculously stopping every time that he woke up. Shikamaru had asked him to look after some chocolate he had bought Temari, making him swear a blood oath not to tell Choji about it. Ino had come by with a bag of fresh muffins, looking for information on Temari. No answer. No muffins.

“This is all ridiculous,” Naruto said, snorting after breathing too much water in through his nose. “I’m going to be Hokage some day. I’m not some kind of frigging temp agency!” He slammed his hand hard against the wall. The soap dish broke free of its flimsy caulking and landed hard on his toe. It was the same toe that he had injured kicking a wall earlier. “Owwww-www-ww-w…”

Suddenly, he crouched, turning the water off. He listened carefully. There were two things that caught his attention. First, there was a scratching noise at his bathroom door. Second, a horrible gurgling sound was coming from further off in his apartment.

“Shit!” Naruto wind milled his arms wildly, barely keeping his balance when she stepped out of the shower. He ran past the waiting towels, wondering just what was going on. If there was some kind of summoning in his room, he would have to deal with it while it was still somewhat disoriented. “Look out!” He banged his shin hard on the door frame, trying to avoid stepping on a small calico kitten.

Naruto ran into the kitchen area, leaving a trail of water behind him. With each droplet that fell, the kitten leaped as high as it could, batting at the moist bounty with its small clawed feet.

“Great,” Naruto said, banging his hand against his forehead. “Just great.” The noise was coming from the sink. From the food disposal, specifically. He had forgotten about that. Not one of his more clever decisions. “This is all your fault, furball.” He glared at the cat, which was busy batting around an empty Instant Noodles wrapper.

Walking over to shut off the disposal, oblivious to his naked state, the unlucky ninja wondered why he had taken in the small cat. It was Hinata’s. She had almost passed out again, seeing him, when she showed up at his doorstep with a large cardboard box and those puppy dog eyes. He wondered if she had learned that look from Akamaru.

‘I… it’s a terrible inconvenience… I’m sorry, Naruto-kun… but there is nowhere else to turn…’ Hinata had been about to leave on a mission with her team. Her father and sister were headed off to an enclave the Leaf clans and would not return for days. Neji was off on his own mission, as were Ten Ten and Ino. The last time Hinata had left a pet with the Hyuuga retainers, she had returned home to find her beloved goldfish belly up in its bowl.

“Stupid little cat!” Naruto shook his head, remembering the first moment that he realized he was doomed. Not long after a grateful Hinata had run off, he had found the cat sitting on one of his limited edition anime towels. It was sharpening its claws, having already decided that the warm fabric was the closest thing to a litter box in the apartment. Given a choice of stuffing either the towel or the kitten down the garbage disposal, as his fit of senseless pique demanded, he humanely chose the inanimate fabric. “The only thing dumber than you is me.”

Once the machine died down, it was time to take it apart and remove all evidence of his idiocy. As he expected, he dropped the tool box on that same toe. When he took the cover off of the unit, water rushed out and headed for the living room carpet. But, he would not have a chance to sweat the small stuff.

Sighing loudly and squatting down, Naruto found himself attacked. No, not by the fearsome metal teeth of the garbage disposal. That might have been kinder. Hinata’s kitten, which she had named ‘Whiskers,‘ had previously spotted a fascinating object hanging between Naruto’s legs. Not being trained in human anatomy, she stalked him after he headed into the kitchen. The precise moment that her target was most vulnerable, the cat leaped at her new found toy, sinking its needle-like claws into Naruto’s masculinity.

“EEEEEE-OWWWWWW-ARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH...”

Naruto lost all pretense at logical though. He was reduced to a pre-human state of intelligence, reacting out of sheer pain. Reacting blindly, he swung around, the victorious kitten hanging from his manhood. At that moment, there was no such thing as a ‘Fight or Flight’ response. There was only Flight.

The unfortunate boy hit his head against the sink with a hideous amount of chakra-boosted strength, practically knocking himself cold right then and there. After watching Whiskers crawl up onto his belly to start washing herself, he had blacked out temporarily. When he regained consciousness a short while later, he was still spread-eagled naked on his kitchen floor. This time, there was a group of concerned medical ninjas surrounding him, alerted by someone who had heard a horrible yell. He blacked out for good after seeing that.

When Naruto woke up again, he was lying in a hospital bed. He was shocked to find out that a number of days had passed. Looking around the room, his eyes came upon the familiar cardboard box. Hearing an inrush of breath, he slowly swung his head around.

“Naruto-kun, you’re finally awake!” It was Hinata. She looked as if she had been crying. Whiskers was purring happily in her arms. “I… ummm… I was really worried about you.” She looked down at her feet for a moment. “What happened?”

Naruto’s eyes went wide. He may have knocked himself senseless, but his memory was intact. He brought a hand to his forehead, feeling a bandage there. “Head wound,” he said.

At that moment, Sakura walked in. Just back from her mission, she wanted to check in on her teammate. Picking up his hospital chart, she immediately recognized Shizune’s handwriting. She read Naruto’s most recent progress report, and then flipped back to the report of the team that had arrived on site at the scene of the accident. She began chuckling.

Naruto wanted to slide under his covers. He made a face at Sakura, daring her to say anything in front of Hinata.

“What’s wrong, Naruto?” Sakura raised one eyebrow when her friend failed to acknowledge her presence. “Cat got your… tongue?”

Whiskers meowed and snuggled comfortably against Hinata’s chest.

THE END

LOL, Brilliant adaption..

LOL, Brilliant adaption.

Thankee...

Here's a bonus epilogue :

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The lunch time crowd was present with a vengeance.

Civilian workers customarily used this time of day as a break, wanting a place to sit and eat in peace, or gather with friends for a pleasant conversation.

Likewise, the staggered and rotated training schedules for shinobi always had a number of groups wandering the streets at this time in between sessions. As a result, the food shops and restaurants in that part of the village were always quite busy at mid-day.

“I… I wanted to thank you… Naruto-kun…” Hinata sat at one end of the table, wearing her newest coat. Team Kurenai had the day off, and she had worked up the courage to do this, but only after the Hokage had told her and Naruto’s other friends that he could use companionship during the days he was restricted to Konoha.

“Huh?” Naruto scratched himself, making a face. “Thank me for what?” He shrugged, wondering what Hinata was talking about. He had his suspicions, but that was a subject he had absolutely no desire to think about. Not that he could focus on anything but food at the moment. She had offered to treat him to lunch.

“Ummm… you know…” Hinatas coat seemed to move on its own. “When I went off on my mission… you… ummm…” She paused when a waitress brought her a menu. Naruto didn’t need one, having everything memorized, including price and portion weight.

“I’ll take two ‘Number 5s,’ one ‘Number 12,’ four ‘Number 23s,’ a ‘Number 8,’ and a side order of ‘Number 3.’” Naruto smiled, hoping that Hinata had a large purse. He stared at her coat, which caused the shy white-eyed girl to blush and fight to maintain her balance. She always wore something like that. It made it very difficult to see how she had grown, in a matter of speaking. Not that he really needed to be staring at Hyuuga Hinata, naturally. He was just bored. That’s all. “What the?” The coat was moving, but Hinata’s hands were both in view.

“I… ummm… Naruto-kun, is there something wrong?” Hinata swallowed hard. She put her hand on her coat. There couldn’t be any kind of stain, since she had picked it up at the cleaners today. “You… you’re staring…” She thought a moment and unzipped her coat half way. Only after she had done so, did she realize how Naruto might interpret such an act. She almost passed out, imagining his thoughts.

“I thought I saw something move,” Naruto said, trying not to look at Hinata’s chest. It was no big thing. Well, figuratively speaking. There was no need to look at Hinata. Well, except for the fact that she was sitting directly across from him. Of course she would be larger, since she had grown a fair bit herself, just as he had. But, he was taller than her now. Yes, he could safely think about that! “Not that I’m crazy or anything.” He still wasn’t wearing his forehead protector, since a large bandage was still wrapped around the top of his head. “I didn’t hit my head that hard.”

“I was very worried,” Hinata admitted. “I had thought that you might have… ummm… left the village against orders, and were injured after running across an unexpected enemy.” She giggled for a moment, feeling something tickling her belly. She blushed, having made such a noise in front of Naruto. A kunoichi should never giggle. “I was very surprised to… well… find out that you had hurt yourself at home.” She took a deep breath, held it, and then let it out again. She was doing better than she expected. She could talk to Naruto the same way that she talked to everyone else. Almost. One step at a time.

“Thanks for rubbing it in,” Naruto said, making a sour face. He couldn’t help but think back to the manner in which he was hurt. Hinata owed him a lot more than she knew. At least, she better not know! Sakura, Shizune, and Tsunade were honor bound to keep things secret. Patient confidentiality, and stuff like that. He twitched a bit, seeing Hinata’s coat moving again. He rubbed his eyes.

“Ohhh… I’m sorry, Naruto-kun.” Hinata looked down her coat and smiled, despite feeling embarrassed that she had made Naruto feel upset. “I almost forgot… I was thanking you…” Her smile grew larger. Whiskers crawled up until her head was clearly visible above the ‘V’ of her coat.

“Meow!” The young cat clearly recognized Naruto. It wriggled free and jumped down onto the table top.

“That thing!” Naruto stood up, drawing the attention of the other patrons. “But… how… why…” One mystery solved. The kitten was responsible for Hinata’s moving coat. “Hey! Hinata! They probably don’t allow pets in here. Health code stuff.” His voice came out in a squeak until he coughed to clear his throat.

“Purr-r-r-r-r-r…” Whiskers jumped, fell flat, and then siddled over to rub against Naruto’s hand.

“The store keeper let’s me bring her here,” Hinata said, watching her kitten leap onto Naruto. Trying to grab hold on his jumpsuit, it worked its little paws in a blur, unable to gain any purchase. It tumbled down into his lap.

“No!” Naruto practically shouted. “Not my lap!” He picked the happy little creature up by the ruff of its neck and placed it on the table. “Bad cat!” Looking over at Hinata, he felt like a total idiot. Whiskers hadn’t jumped onto his lap on purpose. It’s not like the kitten had any memory of what it had done before. Watching the small animal play with a straw wrapper that Hinata dragged across the table top, he tried to maintain his composure. He had stood up bravely in front Gama Bunta, Manda, Shukaku, and the like. He could deal with a cat.

“Here’s your order, Hinata.” The shop keeper’s daughter smiled as she placed a number of dishes in front of Hinata. “You have quite a few, Naruto.” She lined up a large row of plates, bowls, and boxes in front of the eager-looking ninja. “And, I haven’t forgotten the little lady’s favorite.” Removing the last dish from her tray, the serving woman placed a sausage link in front of Whiskers.

“Gah…” Naruto knocked over his bowl of Ramen With Pork. He was staring at the kitten’s meal. So was the young cat, which had taken up a stalking posture. “Th-That can’t be h-healthy for a c-cat…” He clenched his fists. It certainly hadn’t been healthy for him!

“It’s just a treat,” Hinata said, smiling down at her little friend. “She usually doesn’t eat much. She just likes to play with it.” She looked over at Naruto, who was choking on the tea he had swallowed. “Naruto-kun, are you OK?”

“Gurk…” Naruto coughed for a few moments, while the serving girl and her father patted him on the back. He assured them that the food was fine. “I’m fine, Hinata. I’m great. Really. Nothing can keep Uzumaki Naruto down for long!” He tried to smile, but his mouth looked crooked. Unable to meet Hinata’s eyes, and ignorant of that irony, he wondered if the kitten had developed a liking for sausage after its stay with him, or before.

“I’m… I’m glad to hear that...” Hinata began feeling shy again, but focused on Whiskers, making it easier for her to sit there without getting too tongue-tied. Surprising herself, she began telling Naruto about her latest mission.

“It sounds like you’re getting stronger, Hinata. That’s great!” Naruto’s natural enthusiasm had him starting to forget about the cat and its breakfast. He tugged at one ear, wondering why Hinata was turning bright red. “I really think that…" He lost track of what he had intended to say. Hinata was swinging the sausage back and forth like a pendulum. Whiskers was jumping and taking swipes at it.

“Naruto-kun?” Hinata let the sausage dangle, looking at Naruto’s face. Why did he look pale? “Are you sure you’re alright? They didn’t… ummm… release you too soon?” No one had told her about the embarrassing details of his hospitalization, so she truly was at a loss for his behavior.

“That’s just wrong!” Naruto stiffened, watching as Whiskers batted at the unmoving sausage. He grimaced when the cat leaped, claws extended, and hooked its paws on either side of the link. “It…” He gripped the sides of the table when Hinata began gently swinging the sausage with the cat still attached. “You shouldn‘t…” He closed his eyes.

“Oi! Naruto!” A loud voice called out. Someone had recognized the characteristic orange and black jumpsuit.

“Kiba!” Naruto stood up again, glad for the distraction. “And Shino!” He watched as his two friends headed over.

“I’m amazed that he knew who I was,” Shino said, his head covered by the large cowl of his new style robe. He was still somewhat miffed that Naruto hadn’t immediately recognized who he was, when they met for the first time after Naruto’s long absence from the Hidden Leaf village. “Hinata is here too, sitting with him.”

“Really? Is she conscious?” Kiba laughed. He looked outside the shop window to see if Akamaru was alright. His friend was much too large to come into shops with him anymore. “Oi, Hinata. Finally worked up the courage to speak?” A huge smile lit up his face and a wicked gleam came to his eyes. “Trying to sink your claws into him?” He too happened upon the sore topic by accident.

Crash. Crash. THUNK. Crash. Crash Crash. Tinkle Tinkle Tinkle Tinkle.

“Naruto-kun!” Hinata brought her hand to her mouth. Kiba and Shino looked down at the floor, wondering what had just happened.

“This is just not my week…” Naruto moaned from the floor, laying on his back, covered by fallen bowls,and surrounded bybroken dish fragments. He had tripped over his bench seat, hearing the ‘sink your claws into him’ part.

Whiskers jumped down to sit on Naruto.

“Purr-r-r-r-r-r…”