Let Sleeping Dogs Lie (chapter 3) [FIC]

[dd]

The walk home was difficult.

With every step he took, Sousuke grimaced, gasped, or groaned. A big proponent of gun safety, he had messed up big time, distracted by a very touchy matter, so to speak.

He had no idea who Sir Robert Walpole was. If someone had told him the historic figure had said ‘Every man has his price,’ he probably would have agreed. Today, he would give an awful lot, to make the pain go away.

Furthermore, if he were informed that the one time leader of the Whigs in the House of Commons had also coined the phrase ‘Let sleeping dogs lie’… in reference to Britain’s dealings with the North American colonies… he would have been pleased to know the origin of the famous phrase.

“Kaname should have left things alone,” the young soldier said as he limped along. “I do not know why she felt compelled to go looking for trouble.” So far, most of the trouble had landed squarely on him. And, given the fact that his girlfriend had overheard at least part of his discussion with the school nurse, the future promised even more pleasantries. “No doubt I will be blamed…”

After a walk that seemed ten times longer than usual, Sousuke found himself walking into his apartment building. He hoped to make his way past the manager’s window unseen, since his landlord was a very nosy woman. But, he was in no condition to be at his stealthy best.

“Mister Sagara, are you alright?” So much for that idea. “Are you hurt? Did you get into another tussle with that pretty blue-haired girl?” The elderly woman smiled, loving to collect gossip. “Is it because she knows about your older visitor?” Her eyes glowed with an unholy hunger. The world seemed alive with so many possibilities. She might just have to put an empty glass to her ear, setting it against the boys door.

“Visitor?” Sousuke swallowed hard. That did not sound good. Clueless as he might be, he realized that the woman was implying a female visitor. The ‘older’ part effectively excluded Tessa, who had showed up at the school, not here. There could only be one reasonable explanation.

Not feeling cowardly in the least, he reversed field. It had to be Mao. Lt. Melissa Mao was the last person that he wanted to see at that moment. Well, either her or Kurz Weber. If she ordered him to tell her what happened, he would feel compelled to obey.

“S-O-U-S-U-K-E-!”

Sousuke closed his eyes and swore under his breath. It was Melissa, alright. He should have known that Mithril would have sent someone to keep an eye on Tessa. Tessa herself may even have arranged for this.

“Sousuke… where are you going…” Melissa walked up jauntily, her outfit showing a fair bit of skin, despite the season. She yawned. There was a definite scent of beer about her. “I happened to look out the window when you came dragging along.” She eyed him up and down, seeing no sign of blood. “What happened?” She narrowed her eyes, thinking professionally. “Why aren’t you watching Tessa?”

“I had an accident,” Sousuke said truthfully. “The school nurse treated me and commanded me to go home.” He stood stiff, at attention. He was still uncertain whether or not a specific part of him would be able to do the same again. He tensed up. That was not the kind of thing he wanted bandied about aboard the TDD-1, or at the complexes being rebuilt at Sydney and Merida Island.

“Accident, huh?” Melissa draped herself over Sousuke, seeing the busybody manager eying them. “He’s so-o-o-o-o hot,” she called over. “Wouldn’t you agree? Want a video tape? We can make a new one, if you have any special requests.” She chuckled, seeing the other woman hurry to call her friends. “So, did this accident have blue hair and a short temper? Tessa do something to set her off?”

“I… you…” Sousuke looked over at the elderly woman. “She…”

“It doesn’t hurt to bring some sunshine into someone’s life, Sousuke.” Melissa turned him around, and began marching him towards the elevator. “I’m certain the old woman won’t say anything to Kaname.” She shrugged. “And, if she does say something, Kaname ought to know better than believe someone like her.” She laughed. “At least I hope so, for your sake. It wouldn’t do you much good to get kicked hard in the balls...”

“Uhhh…” Sousuke twitched. That was an understatement.

“I can’t wait to hear what it was this time,” Melissa said, as the door closed and she pushed the button for Sousuke’s floor. “Not that I’m happy you’re injured, of course.” She thought a moment. “If it’s a good story, I’ll share my beer with you. You look like you might need to get drunk.” She mussed Sousuke’s hair. She and Kurz had been very worried about him… not to mention themselves… when Amalgam had carried out their first round of attacks. “I’ll make sure that Kaname doesn’t take advantage of you.”

“Uhhh…” Sousuke swallowed hard. Now he was thinking about ‘that’ again, not that he had ever really stopped. He almost walked into the elevator doors just before they opened.

“OK… spill it!” Melissa collapsed unceremoniously on Sousuke’s couch after walking back into his apartment.

“It…” Sousuke decided to volunteer the information. “You see…” He made certain that the communications console was not on ‘transmit.’ He coughed. “This is embarrassing.”

“Better yet,” Melissa said, opening a fresh beer. She grabbed another and tossed it to Sousuke.

The young soldier began telling his sad tale. He watched his fellow SRT member’s face go through a series of changes.

“You fell off the roof! That is so you…” Melissa chuckled. “But… I never though Tessa would go that far…” She smiled. “I have to give Kaname a lot of credit. That took a lot of guts.” She finished off the beer on a long chug and tossed the empty in the direction of the kitchen. “I can imagine the look on Tessa’s face. Priceless. F-cking priceless.” Getting up, she went to retrieve the noodles she had left boiling, talking as she opened a can of crab. “So… is the fall what did you in?”

“Negative.” Sousuke began to sweat. He hated to tell his superior something like this. Any tyro knew how to handle a pistol safely. “It happened in class… I was distracted…” He took a deep breath and got things out in a rush.

“YOU SHOT YOURSELF IN THE FAMILY JEWELS?”

Melissa began choking on some crab and noodles she swallowed the wrong way. That would teach her to shout with a mouth full of food. For a moment, she looked like something out of a H.P. Lovecraft story, with large streamers of Ramen hanging down from her mouth. She slurped them in and began laughing, holding her belly.

“That is too damn rich,” Melissa said. “What Kurz wouldn’t give to hear that story!” She rubbed her hands together. “I guess I can reassure Mardukas, if he gets wind of things. You won’t be firing your gun any time soon.” She was not referring to his Glock.

“I… uhhh… that was not…” Sousuke felt somewhat relived, in a way. Kaname definitely wouldn’t be breathing too heavily tonight: not with his current condition… not with Tessa and Melissa around… and not after that incident in the Nurse’s Office. “I wasn’t planning on…”

“Hey, don’t blow a fuse or something, Sousuke.” Melissa slid the remaining noodles towards Sousuke along the counter top. “My being here is a formality.” She opened another beer. “And, I wanted a chance to see you again. We haven’t gone on a mission together for a while.” She didn’t know if they ever would again. Mithril was fighting to get back on its feet again, and Sousuke had to choose between college and a continued career in the organization.

The two of them spent time catching up on things. Sousuke had never gotten a detailed report on the things that happened after Sydney and Merida were hit, and Arbalest was defeated at the hands of Leonard and Belial. Mao had never heard the story about Kaname, Leonard, and Sousuke’s role in things. After giving her a run down on all that, he told her about the other goings on at school that day.

“They were behind the curtain?” Melissa put a hand to her forehead. She passed an entire six pack over to her subordinate. “Man, do you have a good reason to get shit-faced. I know how tightly Kaname holds on to a grudge.” She sighed. “Tessa won’t be too happy, either.”

There was the sound of metal jingling at the front door. Sousuke automatically rolled off of the couch, grabbing the TMP he leapt underneath it. Once again, he should have thought fist. The pain had him gasping like a fish out of water.

“That will be Kaname with your spare key, right?” Melissa hadn’t moved an inch. She tossed another empty onto a growing stack.

“Owww-ww-w… affirmative…” Sousuke watched the door open from his vantage point on the floor. “Awww-ww-w…”

Sure enough, the door opened, showing Kaname standing there. Tessa stood right behind her. Both took a look at Sousuke sprawled out on the floor and began frowning. Melissa took note of that… yawned… and then smiled, an evil look in her eyes.

“Want to give me a hand taking the curtains down and setting them up in the middle of the room?” Kaname had said that to Tessa. Having a common target, the two of them had put aside their differences for a while.

“That’s a very good idea,” Tessa said. “I think a certain sergeant might feel more comfortable that way.” She tugged angrily on her pony tail, causing herself to wince. “Who knows what he might say.”

“Uhhh… I did not know that you were there…” Sousuke winced, picking himself off the floor.

“Did you hear something?” Kaname asked, pretending not to see Sousuke.

“No,” Tessa said, shaking her head.

“You’re right,” Kaname said, tossing a notebook on the couch near Sousuke. “Silly me.” She had written his assignments down for him.

“Uhhh… I apologize… I was only speaking the truth.” Sousuke was suddenly quite visible in Kaname’s and Tessa’s eyes. The growling was evidence of that. “However… if you have made your presence known… instead of skulking…”

Melissa smiled. Sousuke Sagara was the only person she knew who would try to get out of a hole he fell into by digging deeper down.

“Skulking?” Kaname and Tessa spoke at the same time. “Skulking!”

“Uhhh…” Sousuke began to sweat. This could be a very long night. No, it could be an exceedingly long week.

“I’m too short to skulk,” Tessa said with a wry face.

“You left out childish,” Kaname said. “I couldn’t possibly stay still long enough to skulk, seeing I’m on weight loss pills.”

“Yes,” Tessa said, still smarting from the mention of ‘childish.’ “Not to mention bloated and cramping?” She gave Kaname a sweet smile. The two of them stared each other down for a few moments. That had Sousuke thinking back to the Nurse’s comment son catfights.

“It sure sounds like you two had an interesting day,” Melissa said, like cat sizing up a pair of canaries. “Want a beer?” She held out a six pack. “It’s OK, as long as you’re not planning to go out on the roof or something.”

“Did you tell her everything, Sousuke?” Kaname put her hands on her hips. The look on her face had Sousuke sweating even more heavily.

“Did you bring my name into it, Sergeant?” Tessa didn’t look too pleased herself. The last thing she wanted was the story to make its way aboard Da Danaan. She had been pwned more than she wanted to admit.

“Affirmative,” Sousuke said, his throat tightening. “But… Melissa is a friend and comrade… I’m certain…”

“He’s dead,” Tessa said.

“So dead,” Kaname agreed.

“Actually, I think Sousuke deserves a round of applause,” Melissa said. “It’s not every young man who could be honest about such things.” She hid a smile behind her hand. How many guys would readily admit they shot themselves in the nads? “It seems to me that he was very responsible in his talk with the nurse. Wouldn’t you agree?” She handed Sousuke another beer. He was going to need it.

Kaname stuck her nose in the air and looked away. Tessa busied herself pulling threads off of her uniform blouse.

“At the very least, he behaved better than someone who was trying to make up stories about being kissed,” Melissa said. That had Tessa turning pink and tripping over an empty beer can. “I’ll tell Kaname the true story later.” She turned to look at Kaname. “And, he certainly didn’t try to use birth control pills as a way to rub something in someone else’s face, right?”

“Uhhh…” Sousuke was grateful that Melissa was standing up for him. But, he questioned her motives. And, while Kaname and Tessa both looked somewhat sheepish, each gave him a brief look that promised bad things when Melissa was out of the room.

“So, I think we need to hold our own little class here tonight.” Melissa walked over to the refrigerator. She had thrown out some of Sousuke’s food, to make room for her beer. Taking out three sixes, she walked back into the living room area and put one in front of Sousuke, Kaname, and Tessa. “I will be the teacher, of course.”

“I don‘t understand,” Tessa said, suddenly looking anxious and uncomfortable.

“Just what kind of class?” Kaname raised one eyebrow. She knew Melissa Mao well enough to wonder what kind of trouble she had in mind.

“Sexual Education… Mao style…” Melissa smiled. “Tonight we’ll start with Contraceptives, seeing it’s a rather hot topic.”

“Melissa!” Tessa went stiff. “You wouldn’t.”

“You’re just joking,” Kaname said.

“You think so?“ Melissa’s smile would have shamed a crocodile. “Well, you think wrong.” She looked over at Sousuke. “Don’t you think that’s a good idea, Tiger?”

“Uhhh…” Sousuke just closed his eyes. If he answered ‘No,’ Melissa would do things just to spite him. If he answered ’Yes,’ she’d credit him with everything, and he would face the wrath of Tessa and Kaname. He stayed quiet.

“See… Sousuke agrees…” Melissa took a long chug of beer, and then let out a satisfied sigh when she was done.

“You can do whatever you like,” Kaname said, squaring her shoulders. She was not about to be intimidated by Melissa Mao, no matter how forceful the other woman’s personality was. “Since you’re here to reassure your superiors about Tessa‘s stay, I can head home any time I like.”

“That’s true,” Melissa said, grinning. “I can do whatever I like.” She looked at Sousuke and shrugged apologetically. “I can mention the whole episode to Kurz. That ought to earn me a cabin full of beer, and a closet full of smokes.”

“B-… B-… But…” Kaname’s eyes went wide. She was about to say ‘You wouldn’t,’ but knew the opposite was true. “So… if we do this… you promise not to tell anyone…” She hated to give in under pressure. That definitely was not her style. But, she knew the meaning of the saying about cutting off one’s nose to spite one’s face.

“Bingo.”Melissa ripped one can out of the plastic rings and sent it tumbling through the air towards Kaname.

“I can order you not to say anything.” Tessa felt like a rabbit ready to run. She knew all too well that Lt. Mao never felt pressured by that threat. “And… well… you can’t make me listen to anything…” She stuck out her lower lip, feeling a little bit defiant.

“Order away,” Melissa said, laughing. She winked at Sousuke, who saw a dark future coming no matter what happened. “You might actually prefer to listen to my little talk. Dr. Mao is a wonderful teacher.” She smiled. “But, if you prefer, I’ll brief the other motivational speakers…” Melissa prepared to drive the knife home. “Dr. Weber…and Dr. Mardukas…”

“We’re screwed,” Kaname said, shaking her head.

“Not yet,” Melissa said cheerfully. “That’s the whole point!”

“Uhhh…” Sousuke had just sat down on the edge of the couch. He slid off.

Tessa knocked over a lamp before she made her way to the couch. She sat next to Sousuke, who Mao had helped up. Glaring at everyone for a moment, Kaname elbowed her way between Sousuke and Tessa, but made a big show of ignoring Sousuke.

“Alright then,” Melissa said, a look of satisfaction on her face. “Teacher has such eager students.” Looking at the three teenagers on the couch, she chuckled, picturing them as the See-no-evil, Hear-no-evil, and Speak-no-evil monkeys that show up on kitschy statues in gift shops world wide. “Let me get a few things I need.” She went to grab the bag she kept weapons, clothing, and other gear in.

“Great job, Sousuke.” Kaname grumbled.

“Yes,” Tessa said. “Just wonderful.”

Sousuke just sat quietly. It was like any other mission gone awry. One had to do one’s best to survive, hopefully learning something in the process. Putting himself in that frame of mind… as if he was merely sitting in on a briefing… he felt less anxious.

“I’ll just be a minute longer,” Melissa said, grabbing a glass jar in the refrigerator and sliding open a number of plastic drawers before closing the door on the appliance. “Feel free to experiment while you wait. I’ll critique you when I get there.” She busied herself working with something over the sink.

Sousuke, Kaname, and Tessa all blushed, making certain not to look at one another. Tessa bit her lip… stood up… and then walked over to sit on the other side of Sousuke. Kaname looked like she blamed the young soldier for leaving a space there.

“OK.“ Melissa reached into her bag. She took out a long white coat she had ‘borrowed’ from a hospital once. It made it easy to sneak through medical and research facilities whenever necessary. “Class… today we’re going to talk about birth control. It’s a controversial topic in some countries… but I say, f-ck’em…” She grinned.

Kaname closed her eyes and sighed. It was going to be a long night. All because she had decided to drop a simple plastic container on the snow at Tessa’s feet.

“Probably the oldest method of contraception is coitus interruptus,” Mao said. “Do I have any volunteers from the audience who want to help demonstrate this?” She grinned, seeing the three sit stone stiff. “Maybe later. During sexual intercourse, the man removes his penis from the woman's vagina just before he shoots his load. He can ejaculate all over her if she likes… or somewhere else for that matter… as long as it’s not inside her. Got that Tessa?”

Tessa looked rather pale. She opened her mouth, but no sound came out. That had Kaname grinning, even though she was feeling somewhat uncomfortable herself.

“That might not be much fun for the woman, if she didn’t get what she wanted yet,” Melissa said. “And, it might be hard for the guy to force himself to do it in the heat of passion.” She ran a hand through her hair. “Anyway, timing is the key. You’ll know what I mean soon enough, Sousuke. Lucky dog.”

“Uhhh…” Sousuke swallowed hard. He could feel both Tessa and Kaname brushing against him ever so slightly. He needed a bigger couch.

“That method has a lot of nicknames,” Mao said. “One of the most popular is ‘the Hail Mary,’ due to its low rate of success as well as its connotations for use in the Catholic community.” She explained the meaning of a Hail Mary pass in football. She tried not to think about her own Catholic upbringing. “It’s inexpensive… requires no artificial devices… has no physical side effects… and can be practiced without a prescription or medical consultation. But, it can be unreliable.” She looked at Kaname. “Sousuke told me about the day your class had at the beach. Imagine you’re wearing that skimpy white bikini… and your belly is swollen like the watermelon…”

“That…” Kaname’s eyes went wide. She then frowned, not wanting to be reminded of Sousuke’s reaction to her bathing suit. If he reacted the same way to the lingerie she had felt so dirty buying, he would end up in worse condition than the watermelon had.

“Uhhh…” Sousuke began to sweat again. The whole subject of parents and parenthood was difficult for him, for the obvious reasons. But, at that moment, he pictured a crib with a baby in it. He had to shake his head to clear the image. The infant had been teething on the pull-pin of a grenade.

“Oh my…” Tessa blushed. A spark of mischief danced across her eyes. “Weight loss pills won’t help with that…” She smiled when Kaname muttered angrily.

“Celibacy, is of course the best birth control method.” Melissa said, waving that off with a dismissive gesture. “That can be intentional, or follow the accidental shooting of the male partner in the nuts.” She blew Sousuke a kiss. “I can also result from a pissed off partner.” She saluted Kaname. “But then, the guy can always find someone else.” She nodded to Tessa.

Sousuke felt like a book between two bookends. Both Kaname and Tessa were leaning more heavily against him now.

“I guess I should mention the Rhythm method,” Melissa said. “That does not mean doing it to music, Sousuke. You were probably thinking that.” She couldn’t resist pulling his chain.

“Negative,” Sousuke replied.

“Although, I wouldn’t be surprised if twangy country music or some of that rap shit might kill sperm better than spermicidal cream.” Melissa made a face. “If they don’t, that military bagpipe music you listen too probably will.” She looked over at Kaname. “It might make things more spontaneous if Sousuke started wearing a kilt, though. What do you think?”

“No!”Kaname shook her head vehemently.

“Tessa, if you ordered him to wear one, he probably would,” Mao said. “It would make it easy to sneak a peek…”

“Never!"Tessa couldn’t help but look down where Sousuke had his hands covering his crotch area. She turned bright pink.

“Caught you,” Melissa said, cocking her finger like a gun and pointing it at her Captain.

“The Rhythm Method means having sex only at times in the month when the woman is less likely to get pregnant.” She shook her head. “It’s definitely better than nothing; but, the human body can be unpredictable.”

“Some people are too predictable,” Kaname griped, folding her arms across her chest and looking at Sousuke.

“So true,” Tessa said, looking at Kaname. “Right, Sousuke?”

Sousuke looked straight ahead. He had felt less stress going up against five Venom class Arm Slaves in Hong Kong, or trying to keep Gauron’s self-destruct mechanism from sending the TDD-1 to Davy Jone’s Locker.

“Now it’s time to move on to barrier methods,” Melissa said. She looked over at Kaname. “It doesn'tmean putting something in front of the door to keep Sousuke out.” She began rummaging inside of her bag as she spoke.

“We’ll see about that,” Kaname said sourly.

“The door on my cabin opens outward,” Tessa mused, blushing when she realized that she had spoken out loud. That had Kaname sinking her fingernails deep into one of the couch cushions.

“Here’s the old tried-and-true.” Melissa held up a box of condoms. “Don’t leave home without them.” She took out packets and threw them to her ‘students.’ Tessa bobbled hers like it was a hot coal. “ Prophylactics. Rubbers. Call them whatever you want. Not only do they keep a girl from being late… if you know what I mean… they also protect against shit you don’t want to catch.” She gave a brief but colorful description of sexually transmitted diseases.

Tessa looked like she was seriously considering joining a nunnery.

“Open it up and look inside,” Melissa said. “The condom is designed to be applied to the tip of the erect member and then rolled over it.” She talked about proper application, plus a few caveats. “Water-based sexual lubricants… such as KY Jelly… are safe for use with condoms; but oil-based lubricants… such as Vaseline… weaken latex and cause it to tear or develop holes. Be careful if you have long sharp fingernails. If you put holes in the thing, you’re asking for trouble. The condom, I mean.”

Sousuke grimaced. He didn’t want to think about holes being put in his thing either. He already felt like there was a swarm of bees in his briefs, even though the pain was subsiding. Needing to take his mind off of his discomfort, he looked down at the open package. He shouldn’t be feeling funny. He had opened one on more than one occasion, when he needed an emergency canteen.

“So Sousuke, are you thinking about water jugs again?” It was almost as if Melissa could read his mind. She remembered how shocked she had felt when Sousuke told her and Kurz that he had used condoms, before he ruined her illusions by telling them how he had used them.

“Uhhh… I… yes…” Sousuke thought back to the same day. It seemed so long ago now. So many things had happened since then.

“Big otaku idiot,” Kaname said.

“Let’s do a little hands-on practice now,” Melissa said, a wicked gleam in her eyes. She put a jar of pickles down on the floor in front of the couch. “These will have to do, unless you girls can convince Sousuke to let you use the real thing.”

“No way!” Kaname blurted out.

“He’s… well… he’s hurt...” Tessa blushed.

“Well, too bad.” Melissa grinned. She opened the jar and held up a rather large pickle. “This will do. It’s about actual size.” She winked at Sousuke. “I’ve seen Sousuke naked.” The pickle was more than eight inches long and nearly as broad as her wrist.

“Omigod!” Kaname’s mouth fell open.

Tessa put her fingers on her lips, looking like she was about to pass out.

“Just kidding,” Melissa said, taking a bite out of the pickle. That had Sousuke going cross-eyed for a moment. “This is probably more accurate.” She held up a small carrot.

“Hmmmpppfff!” Kaname turned red after hearing her own reaction.

“I heard Sgt. Weber once say that size doesn’t matter…” Tessa blinked rapidly.

Melissa broke the carrot in half and threw a piece to each of the girls. Sousuke winced at the snapping sound. Neither girl made any effort to eat her snack. Melissa shrugged, took out another carrot, and began nibbling. “Well, I was joking again,” she admitted. “I must say Sousuke is being a good sport. Just like he always is, when Kurz and the other losers drag him off with them to visit hookers during shore leave.”

“Wh-… Wh-… What?” Kaname turned to face Sousuke.

“Sergeant Sagara!”Tessa made a face.

“I always refuse my comrade’s offer of money,” Sousuke rushed to say. “Just as I always refuse the women’s offer of sexual activity.” His tongue outran his brain again. “The time the women pulled off my pants, it was not my fault.”

”WHAT?”

Kaname stood up. Hands on her hips, she glared down at Sousuke.

“Uhhh… I managed to pull them back on again before they were able to put their mouth on…” He was wise enough not to finish that sentence. “It required the use of three stun grenades. They were very persistent.”

Melissa grinned. That was one of her favorite stories. The way that Kurz told it made her laugh, no matter how many times she had already heard it.

“Clueless… stupid… weapons crazy… jerk…” Kaname sat back down again.

“I think it’s kind of sweet,” Tessa said, blushing again. “Sousuke was saving himself for someone special.”

“I agree,” Melissa said, willing to use anything to further Sousuke‘s cause. She didn‘t truly put any value on virginity. “I hope a certain girl realizes that. She’s pretty lucky. If he were a few years older… or I were a few years younger…” She gave Kaname a meaningful look.

Kaname looked over at Sousuke, her face softening for a moment. Them she tossed her hair made it a point to look unconvinced.

“Here’s something you’ve probably never seen.” Reaching inside her bag again, she took out a different box. “Female condoms… femidoms… not to be confused with femdoms.”

“Femdoms?” Sousuke had never heard that term before. Neither had Kaname or Tessa.

“Female dominance,” Melissa said, chuckling. “It refers to Bondage and Discipline and Sado-Masochism practices where the dominant partner is female.” She looked at Kaname. “You’re pretty handy with that halisen of yours, I hear. You might make a good dominatrix.” That had Tessa giggling. Kaname leaned over to say something to the other Whispered, not realizing she pushed down on Sousuke’s sore spot.

“Awwww-www-ww-w…” Sousuke bit his tongue.

“See. You’re a natural.” Mao laughed. “But, I don’t know if Sousuke would be into things like strap-on stuff, panty fetishism , boot worship, erotic spanking, or heavy torture.” She pursed her lips. “But you never know. Right, Tessa?”

“Me?” Tessa sat upright, banging her head against Sousuke’s by accident. “Why are you asking me?”

“Ohhh-hhh-hh-h…” Sousuke put his hand to his head. That one would leave a mark.

“If you’re finished with foreplay Mistress Tessa, I’ll try to get things back on subject.” Melissa went to get some ice, and handed it to Sousuke wrapped in a dishrag. “These are larger than male condoms… have a stiffened ring-shaped opening… and are designed to be inserted into the vagina.” She reached over to the counter and grabbed a few things she had stashed under a newspaper. “If you want to practice, go ahead.” She tossed one half of a hollowed out grapefruit to Kaname, and a similar half of a tangerine to Tessa.

“What?” Kaname stared at the fruit rind.

“But how…” Tessa looked perplexed.

“Those should be about to scale,” Melissa said, making another size-related joke. “Give it a try. Aside from cost, one of the reasons for poor sales is that inserting the female condom takes considerably more skill. And, they can make a ‘rustling’ sound during sex that turns some people off.” Neither Kaname nor Tessa made any effort to open their packages. “So Sousuke, what do you prefer, grapefruits or tangerines?”

“It better be grapefruits!” Kaname twitched after saying that.

“Uhhh…” Sousuke was not about to answer. Even he knew a double entendre when he heard it.

“When I get back, I’m going to have to make some changes to the duty roster,” Tessa whispered. She glared at Melissa for a moment, before lowering her eyes.

Melissa continued to give her spiel, taking ever opportunity she could to make jokes at Tessa’s and Kaname’s expense, and zinging a few in there to keep Sousuke on his toes. She spoke about Diaphragms, Cervical Caps, Contraceptive Sponges, and a new Intra Vas Device being developed by a company that Mithril had financial ties to. She also said a few words about IUDs before talking about male and female birth control pills, and the contraceptive patch for women..

“You guys made it through all that pretty well.” Mao looked over at Tessa and Kaname. They looked pretty frazzled. No doubt they would be too discombobulated to give Sousuke any trouble that night.

“Whatever,” Kaname said. That had indeed left her feeling somewhat numb. But, she was not about to let things slide entirely. “Sousuke… I think you and I should have a little talk…” She laced her fingers together and cracked her knuckles.

“Uhhh…” Sousuke looked over at Melissa.

“That was the boring part,” Mao said, impressed by Kaname’s resiliency. “The precautions.“ It looked like she had to keep going. She didn’t mind. There was plenty of beer, and she wasn’t planning on going anywhere. “Now it’s time for us to get down to the nitty gritty…”

“Oh no…” Tessa hung her head.

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END

[full_metal_sousuke]

that was pretty funny. i hope the next one will be as funny as this one was. and i hope it will be up soon.