[FIC] Explanations, part 2 {Chapter 6}
Posted: Sun Sep 21, 2003 4:39 pm
The helicopter arrived at the designated coordinates at the expected time. The subsequent flight had been smooth, mechanically. However, for Sousuke, the trip was anything but smooth, mentally.
The events of the fateful day ran through his memory, not as recrimination, but as a means to set the stage for further thoughts. Sousuke was adept at adapting to changes in his combat environment, but he was poorly equiped to deal with changes within himself. He was confused to the point of being uncertain of himself, and that was something that he felt must not continue. An uncertain soldier is a soldier at greater risk. And a soldier at greater risk might be an unacceptable danger to his mission and his fellow soldiers. He would need to talk to someone, and soon. Not only for his own sake, but for the sake of others.
There was something else he must find opportunity to do. He must explain things in detail to Captain Testarossa. Some of what she had said was invariably true. His explanation might not change those truths, and might not change his fate, but he was was too honest to allow her misconceptions to continue, whether or not they would influence her decisions. To say nothing would be the same thing as being an accomplice to a lie! And, he admitted to himself, he did not want her to think unfavorably of him. She had been so angry, that she must be very unhappy with his performance on that mission. And her anger had been so quick in its growth, that she must have had serious misgivings about him for some time now. He felt uncomfortable, wondering what she must think of his personal judgement as well as his professional performance.
For some reason he was unaware of, Sousuke's thoughts turned next to the concept of friendship. In his youngest days, friendship and family had meant something good, but he no longer had a clear memory of the why and the how of it all. Simply a subtle and distant warmth. In later days, days he could all too vividly remember, family meant the people you fought with, and friends were simply those who fought the same enemies you fought. Family and friends often meant people who would join you briefly and then leave. Family and friends who remained by your side often meant people you could soon lose...and often would lose. It was never a matter of choice. It was a matter of fact, and of destiny. And by those definitions, so many people could be your family or friends, that no one person seemed to have any more emotional value than another. No one was irreplaceable. No one had been especially important to him personally.
Even now, as a member of Mithril, choice and destiny were something beyond his control. But something felt different. He thought of his relationship with Sgt. Weber and Sgt. Major Mao. He respected both immeasurably, even though there were certain things he greatly disapproved of. He trusted their judgement, at least in professional matters. He had no doubt whatsoever regarding their willingness to cover his back in battle. But...he found himself thinking that he did not wish to disappoint them, not just their rank. He found himself realizing that he did not want to lose them, knowing that their loss would leave a void. These newer feelings had grown stronger, or at had at least become more evident, ever since he had reported to that school. Ever since he had started protecting Kaname.
Kaname. He pictured her now, with a sigh. She was another matter altogether. She could be a spring breeze one moment, and a violent storm the next. He was learning what to expect, at least in some situations...but she had the amazing talent to continually surprise him. He even felt the beginning of a grin when he thought that. Good and bad. Yin and Yang. What effect was she having on his life? What effect was he having on her life? What did he want from her? How did it all factor into his understanding of friendship? What type of things did people find beyond friendship....
His thoughts eventually completed their circle, and he considered Captain Testarossa in a different light. He had accepted her as his commander on sight, with no consideration given to her gender or her age. The results of her decisons were mostly positive. Her scope of knowledge was admirably broad. She was a good leader. She was physically limited, but never let that stop her. He had never doubted her in any way until those days with A21, when her judgement and performance had wavered briefly. And the recent events made him recall her attitude towards him in his apartment, the night she and Kaname had been abducted. She had been casual. She had made simple requests of him that he had seen as confusing and discomforting. And Kurz had repeatedly baited him about the her orders to shut off the hearing sensors of the AS, without ever giving him sufficient clues of what he thought was going on, but leading him to believe it was not a professional matter. And that recent night at his apartment, the night of the misunderstandings: her reasons for visiting him...had they had anything to do with friendhip?
Sousuke had no difficulty accepting that his squadmates could be his friends. But Captain Testarossa? His commanding officer? Was she even permitted to be his friend? For what reasons might she want him for a friend?
Sousuke's explanations of himself and to himself took time, and great effort. It was new to him, in some regards...but one must learn the skills necessary to best carry out his or her mission, correct? And Sousuke had assigned himself an important mission: there were people he needed to speak to...things he needed to understand...and he must be prepared.
The events of the fateful day ran through his memory, not as recrimination, but as a means to set the stage for further thoughts. Sousuke was adept at adapting to changes in his combat environment, but he was poorly equiped to deal with changes within himself. He was confused to the point of being uncertain of himself, and that was something that he felt must not continue. An uncertain soldier is a soldier at greater risk. And a soldier at greater risk might be an unacceptable danger to his mission and his fellow soldiers. He would need to talk to someone, and soon. Not only for his own sake, but for the sake of others.
There was something else he must find opportunity to do. He must explain things in detail to Captain Testarossa. Some of what she had said was invariably true. His explanation might not change those truths, and might not change his fate, but he was was too honest to allow her misconceptions to continue, whether or not they would influence her decisions. To say nothing would be the same thing as being an accomplice to a lie! And, he admitted to himself, he did not want her to think unfavorably of him. She had been so angry, that she must be very unhappy with his performance on that mission. And her anger had been so quick in its growth, that she must have had serious misgivings about him for some time now. He felt uncomfortable, wondering what she must think of his personal judgement as well as his professional performance.
For some reason he was unaware of, Sousuke's thoughts turned next to the concept of friendship. In his youngest days, friendship and family had meant something good, but he no longer had a clear memory of the why and the how of it all. Simply a subtle and distant warmth. In later days, days he could all too vividly remember, family meant the people you fought with, and friends were simply those who fought the same enemies you fought. Family and friends often meant people who would join you briefly and then leave. Family and friends who remained by your side often meant people you could soon lose...and often would lose. It was never a matter of choice. It was a matter of fact, and of destiny. And by those definitions, so many people could be your family or friends, that no one person seemed to have any more emotional value than another. No one was irreplaceable. No one had been especially important to him personally.
Even now, as a member of Mithril, choice and destiny were something beyond his control. But something felt different. He thought of his relationship with Sgt. Weber and Sgt. Major Mao. He respected both immeasurably, even though there were certain things he greatly disapproved of. He trusted their judgement, at least in professional matters. He had no doubt whatsoever regarding their willingness to cover his back in battle. But...he found himself thinking that he did not wish to disappoint them, not just their rank. He found himself realizing that he did not want to lose them, knowing that their loss would leave a void. These newer feelings had grown stronger, or at had at least become more evident, ever since he had reported to that school. Ever since he had started protecting Kaname.
Kaname. He pictured her now, with a sigh. She was another matter altogether. She could be a spring breeze one moment, and a violent storm the next. He was learning what to expect, at least in some situations...but she had the amazing talent to continually surprise him. He even felt the beginning of a grin when he thought that. Good and bad. Yin and Yang. What effect was she having on his life? What effect was he having on her life? What did he want from her? How did it all factor into his understanding of friendship? What type of things did people find beyond friendship....
His thoughts eventually completed their circle, and he considered Captain Testarossa in a different light. He had accepted her as his commander on sight, with no consideration given to her gender or her age. The results of her decisons were mostly positive. Her scope of knowledge was admirably broad. She was a good leader. She was physically limited, but never let that stop her. He had never doubted her in any way until those days with A21, when her judgement and performance had wavered briefly. And the recent events made him recall her attitude towards him in his apartment, the night she and Kaname had been abducted. She had been casual. She had made simple requests of him that he had seen as confusing and discomforting. And Kurz had repeatedly baited him about the her orders to shut off the hearing sensors of the AS, without ever giving him sufficient clues of what he thought was going on, but leading him to believe it was not a professional matter. And that recent night at his apartment, the night of the misunderstandings: her reasons for visiting him...had they had anything to do with friendhip?
Sousuke had no difficulty accepting that his squadmates could be his friends. But Captain Testarossa? His commanding officer? Was she even permitted to be his friend? For what reasons might she want him for a friend?
Sousuke's explanations of himself and to himself took time, and great effort. It was new to him, in some regards...but one must learn the skills necessary to best carry out his or her mission, correct? And Sousuke had assigned himself an important mission: there were people he needed to speak to...things he needed to understand...and he must be prepared.
