one more week to go, and that's only from my archives. hopefully the website is up already and they updated it. Inuyasha
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RussianFox
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HELLFIRE
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New News: IY m3 has been kindly ENG subbed by IY & S^M
...as usual, don't ask where to get it, but please review if you do find it
// we now return you to your RF-scheduled anime tv-reality programming
Regards
...as usual, don't ask where to get it, but please review if you do find it
// we now return you to your RF-scheduled anime tv-reality programming
Regards
SEARCH Function | Forum Rules | Forum Fansubs Policy | Boku-Tachi Novel FAQ
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On a good day, a Tomahawk can fly into the door of a two-car garage at the distance of several hundred miles. And that can ruin your whole day.
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On a good day, a Tomahawk can fly into the door of a two-car garage at the distance of several hundred miles. And that can ruin your whole day.
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RussianFox
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- Joined: Fri Jan 30, 2004 5:55 am
- Location: Sengoku Jidai Era
thank you, HF. coming up on BB - it's the weekend! and if you think our housemates won't be bovered this weekend, well, let's just see what's up.
Weekend
Saturday
It’s Saturday, and the closed circuit cameras are off. Yes, viewers, it's another weekend, the Big Buttocks cast are granted two days of privacy thanks to Sesshoumaru’s contract with his own company, Sesshoumaru TM âã all rights reserved.
This weekend, the cast have been asked to perform a little activity. At 11 on Saturday morning, everyone was asked to draw a picture of what they think Big Buttocks looks like. After all, they can only hear his voice and the rest is left up to the imagination (except for Sesshoumaru, who has had the very rare opportunity to see what he looks like...)
Here are the results!
Okay, okay, so the first message wasn't a one off. It's SJS again, here with a semi-pointless message. I just wanted to say I'm so surprised at how far Big Buttocks has come! Thank you for all your suggestions and comments; keep em coming! You'll see that the poll has changed...we might have a little manga surprise coming up for you! (And i'm very sorry for the delay in this BB...deadlines, u know...) Here are some little stats on BB-
Thus far it is 35,500 words. The word files they are written in take up 400kb, nearly one megabyte. That's a lot of text!!! It is pretty much one third of the way through....aaaand there are many special events I think you will like planned in the future!
Please join me, the Fluffy crew, Laina Bug, Big Buttocks, the tellytubbie voice actor and others in the Fluffy forum, located on the sidebar to your left to discuss anything about the house, to put forward your suggestions!!! Also, we'd love it if you had any art to send in!!! I'm so surprised at how BB is taking off, and the phenomenon is just beginning!!
You might notice that the content of this weekend isn't as big as the previous one...that's because specials might appear here and there among the actual days of the week. Just keep your eyes peeled and who knows what might come up! FOr instance, an interview with the BB man himself is up and coming...
Stay tuned!
Love Sarah Jane Smith
So there you go! The BB team hopes you've enjoyed this weekend's little extra, and assure you readers that Monday's episode is up and coming, and is full of excitement, drama, and ...excitement. And humour. Hopefully.
Stay Tuned....
Weekend
Saturday
It’s Saturday, and the closed circuit cameras are off. Yes, viewers, it's another weekend, the Big Buttocks cast are granted two days of privacy thanks to Sesshoumaru’s contract with his own company, Sesshoumaru TM âã all rights reserved.
This weekend, the cast have been asked to perform a little activity. At 11 on Saturday morning, everyone was asked to draw a picture of what they think Big Buttocks looks like. After all, they can only hear his voice and the rest is left up to the imagination (except for Sesshoumaru, who has had the very rare opportunity to see what he looks like...)
Here are the results!
Okay, okay, so the first message wasn't a one off. It's SJS again, here with a semi-pointless message. I just wanted to say I'm so surprised at how far Big Buttocks has come! Thank you for all your suggestions and comments; keep em coming! You'll see that the poll has changed...we might have a little manga surprise coming up for you! (And i'm very sorry for the delay in this BB...deadlines, u know...) Here are some little stats on BB-
Thus far it is 35,500 words. The word files they are written in take up 400kb, nearly one megabyte. That's a lot of text!!! It is pretty much one third of the way through....aaaand there are many special events I think you will like planned in the future!
Please join me, the Fluffy crew, Laina Bug, Big Buttocks, the tellytubbie voice actor and others in the Fluffy forum, located on the sidebar to your left to discuss anything about the house, to put forward your suggestions!!! Also, we'd love it if you had any art to send in!!! I'm so surprised at how BB is taking off, and the phenomenon is just beginning!!
You might notice that the content of this weekend isn't as big as the previous one...that's because specials might appear here and there among the actual days of the week. Just keep your eyes peeled and who knows what might come up! FOr instance, an interview with the BB man himself is up and coming...
Stay tuned!
Love Sarah Jane Smith
So there you go! The BB team hopes you've enjoyed this weekend's little extra, and assure you readers that Monday's episode is up and coming, and is full of excitement, drama, and ...excitement. And humour. Hopefully.
Stay Tuned....
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RussianFox
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- Location: Sengoku Jidai Era
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Guest
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RussianFox
- Cannon
- Posts: 1174
- Joined: Fri Jan 30, 2004 5:55 am
- Location: Sengoku Jidai Era
unfortunately.-
HELLFIRE
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// tuning away from RF a moment
IY m3 brief summary: [SPOLIERS]Inuyasha's father died shortly after IY's birth -- injuries
sustained fighting forget-demon's-name. IY's mother's retainer?/guard
loved her but hated how she'd fallen for a demon and killed her. IY's
dad revived her with Tensaiga<sp?> and fights a final battle with said
retainer in a burning building... ohkay...
FF to Kagome's time, while cleaning out the temple, spirit of the third
sword possessed by IY's dad says he can no longer contain the sword
-- something about only being able to do it for 700 years. IY's mucking around
when he comes into contact with this sword, who offers IY a chance to
conquer the world; THANKFULLY IY's not into that crap, but you can't
deny the power this third sword bestows on the possessor. In IY's case,
he becomes a full demon.
Sword returns to Feudal era when IY's determined to get rid of it himself
-- cue the Kagome 'why can't you stop playing hero once in awhile' crack
Sesshomaru drawn to the third sword as well... IY v Sesshormaru,
with IY actually holding his ground for once...
Sword falls out of IY's possession when Kagome helps him rid himself of
its evil, works its way back to retainer-guy -- nicely decomposing BTW
Offers life in exchange for his body and his promise to help kill IY & Sesshomaru...[/SPOILERS]
Going to catch more of this maybe tomorrow. I'm HOPING for some kick
ass fight scenes!! Maybe some more interesting flashbacks... kinda short
on the Sesshomaru & father stuff, other than the obligatory 'Sesshomaru,
what do you have to protect?'
Regards
IY m3 brief summary: [SPOLIERS]Inuyasha's father died shortly after IY's birth -- injuries
sustained fighting forget-demon's-name. IY's mother's retainer?/guard
loved her but hated how she'd fallen for a demon and killed her. IY's
dad revived her with Tensaiga<sp?> and fights a final battle with said
retainer in a burning building... ohkay...
FF to Kagome's time, while cleaning out the temple, spirit of the third
sword possessed by IY's dad says he can no longer contain the sword
-- something about only being able to do it for 700 years. IY's mucking around
when he comes into contact with this sword, who offers IY a chance to
conquer the world; THANKFULLY IY's not into that crap, but you can't
deny the power this third sword bestows on the possessor. In IY's case,
he becomes a full demon.
Sword returns to Feudal era when IY's determined to get rid of it himself
-- cue the Kagome 'why can't you stop playing hero once in awhile' crack
Sesshomaru drawn to the third sword as well... IY v Sesshormaru,
with IY actually holding his ground for once...
Sword falls out of IY's possession when Kagome helps him rid himself of
its evil, works its way back to retainer-guy -- nicely decomposing BTW
Offers life in exchange for his body and his promise to help kill IY & Sesshomaru...[/SPOILERS]
Going to catch more of this maybe tomorrow. I'm HOPING for some kick
ass fight scenes!! Maybe some more interesting flashbacks... kinda short
on the Sesshomaru & father stuff, other than the obligatory 'Sesshomaru,
what do you have to protect?'
Regards
SEARCH Function | Forum Rules | Forum Fansubs Policy | Boku-Tachi Novel FAQ
---
On a good day, a Tomahawk can fly into the door of a two-car garage at the distance of several hundred miles. And that can ruin your whole day.
---
On a good day, a Tomahawk can fly into the door of a two-car garage at the distance of several hundred miles. And that can ruin your whole day.
-
RussianFox
- Cannon
- Posts: 1174
- Joined: Fri Jan 30, 2004 5:55 am
- Location: Sengoku Jidai Era
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RussianFox
- Cannon
- Posts: 1174
- Joined: Fri Jan 30, 2004 5:55 am
- Location: Sengoku Jidai Era
Tuesday
4.59 am
“Mm…globbitsh…yaaaa…yae bente whrote ku…*snork* …and since when were ear cleaners a fashion accessory?”
5.00 am
“No, not again!”
The housemates are awoken by the sudden turning on of the lights.
5.02 am
If talking is detected among the housemates, then Big Buttocks will turn on the lights and they won’t be turned out until the evening. This is a ploy that punishes the housemates for waking up too early and also makes for good daytime viewing.
The automatic talk light (or the “anti-babble bitch” as Kikyou would refer to it) is a source of constant irritation, as a certain member of the cast tends to talk in his sleep and is subject to abuse and ridicule by his peers each morning for causing them to wake so early.
7.00 am
Breakfast is crumpets and museli; Naraku is obviously not inspired to come up with the usual gastronomic delights he feeds his fellow housemates.
For a start, someone appears to have taken all the honey, and Inuyasha wakes to find himself glued to his bed, with a note stuck to his forehead, on which is written… “that will teech yu for tawking in yor sleep yu stooped dog terd!”
Kouga is in high spirits and does twirly tricks with his fork.
“Heeeey Sangu,” He addresses Sango for no apparent reason, “I’m Tarzan!”
“Um…great…” Sango says, and Miroku shifts in his seat.
Silence.
“Yeah,” Kouga continues, jiggling up and down, “I’m healthy and strong and I’m gonna beat you up good one day, tog durd!”
Inuyasha doesn’t hear the last remark, sitting down to eat his breakfast slowly and looking with unease at Naraku who seems to be trying to send him hate messages with his eyebrows.
“Good for you, Kouga!” Big Buttocks booms. “I’m glad you are, because today all of you are having a heath check.”
“What?!” Sango says and Miroku chokes on his museli. “That’s fantastic!” Kagome says, “I must admit I’ve been feeling a bit under the weather recently.”
“What about me?” Says Kikyou.
“You get a check too,” Big Buttocks says. “Just because you can make yourself transparent doesn’t mean our nurses can’t tell if you’ve got a hell of a fever…”
Big Buttocks chuckles to himself untill he notices that nobody is listening.
“Yes…well…your nurse will be here in an hour or so. So be on your best behavior.” Big Buttocks hangs up.
8.00 am
The doorbell rings. Kouga races to get it, to prove to the others how fit he is. He leaves whirlwinds of dust behind, which get caught in Sesshoumaru’s eyelashes, giving him a nice ‘Man Ray’ effect that he decides to keep for the day.
Kouga opens the door to reveal a pretty girl with pink looped hair in a nurse uniform.
“Hi!” She says brightly, “I’m Nurse Joy! I’ll just bring in my super duper Nurse’s kit, and my friends will bring in the rest of the equipment!”
She goes into the bedroom, while Kouga stands at the door watching five more girls walk through, each who bear an exact resemblance to Nurse Joy. They all address him with a sweet “Hello!” before walking on, and Kouga starts to tremble, worried that the mysterious replicating effects of the house will cause him to multiply again.
8.10 am
“Right!” Nurse Joy says, “I’ve set everything up! I’ll be testing you in alphabetical order, so Inuyasha, would you come into the bedroom?”
“Uur….right.”
He steps inside the bedroom, which has been fitted with an x-ray machine, a bed for surgery and some eye charts.
“Right!” Nurse Joy says brightly. “Sit down there, and read out the letters that you see on that chart!”
Inuyasha sits and peers at the chart on the wall.
The two sit there for a while before Inuyasha says defensively, “I don’t need no test! I’m healthy! I’m as strong as the rest as them!”
“I’m sure you are,” Nurse Joy smiles, “but just to be certain, please read out the letters!”
Inuyasha squints at the chart.
“Urr…” He blushes. “They’re all…blurry.”
“Blurry?” Nurse Joy asks. “How blurry? Can you read the top row?”
Inuyasha turns crimson. “Er… no. They’re all blurry.”
“Really!” Nurse Joy exclaims. “How well can you see?! Can you see me?”
Inuyasha looks flustered. “Yes…yeah…sort of…it’s blurry…sometimes…maybe…no...probably.”
“Goodness!” Nurse Joy begins to rummage in her bag.
8.15 am
After searching through several of her ‘friends’ bags, Nurse Joy finally pulls out a small black case, and beams at Inuyasha.
“This should do the trick” she tells the uneasy Inuyasha.
“Um…it won’t involve any sort of…well, surgery will it?” he mumbles, remembering the horrific tales that Sesshoumaru had been sharing, mostly involving someone called Orlando and getting those peachy buttocks that you always wanted.
“None at all!” Nurse Joy says soothingly. “Now just hold still while I adjust them…”
8.20 am
“There! All done!”
Nurse Joy pushes in one more screw and steps back.
“Errr…so is that it?” Inuyasha asks.
“Yes, that’s all. Would you like to have a look?”
Nurse Joy pulls a hand mirror out of her pocket, and hands it to Inuyasha.
“Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh! What is it? It’s hideous! I’ve never seen THAT before!” Inuyasha yells.
“No, that’s your nose!” Nurse Joy giggles. “Those things around your eyes – that’s what I put on.”
“Oh.”
“So can you see better now? Is it better?”
“Uh, yeah.” Inuyasha mumbles, apparently embarrassed from his outburst.
“Shall we continue the checkup?” Nurse Joy smiles.
‘Uh, yeah.”
8.25 am
“I do hope you’re not pregnant again…” Sesshoumaru says to Naraku, his eyes brimming with concern.
“Yeah…me thoo..” Naraku smiles back. “Will you look after me if I am?”
“Of course! How could you ever have doubthed me?”
Kagome paces up and down impatiently.
“They’ve been in there far too long…far too long” she tells Sango, flopping into a vacant chair in defeat. However, the chair appears to be not as vacant as Kagome thought it was, and with a muffled yelp, a Big Buttocks maintenance worker pulls himself out and flees through the back door. The cast are baffled for one millisecond, but are soon on their feet, bombarding the worker with cries of –
“Pickles! We need more pickles!”, “Call Orlando! Please! I need a new appointment! I’ll pay!” and “ Bring me beer! I’ll do anything!” However the worker manages to escape, and the dejected cast return to the living room.
“I didn’t see him! I couldn’t see him!” Kagome cries defensively.
“I believe you.” Kouga tells her seriously, looking deep into her eyes.
“Please all settle down.”
Nurse Joy has come out of the bedroom, with what the cast thinks is a new visitor. However on closer inspection it appears to be Inuyasha. Inuyasha in glasses. Not just glasses, but ones with thick lenses, thick black rubbery edges, and straps around his ears.
8.30 am
“Please calm down! We still have to inspect everyone else!” Nurse Joy pleads with the hysterical cast.
Sesshoumaru has tears in his eyes, Naraku is rolling around on the floor, and even Kikyou is cackling away.
Inuyasha is completely baffled by the display.
“What? What! WHAT!!!!”
He dashes across the room, and grabs Sesshoumaru by the collar of his latest Versace kimono, and shakes him violently. “What’cha laughing at!!! C’mon!!!” This proves unsuccessful, as Sesshoumaru only laughs harder.
Kagome appears to have gained control, and approaches Inuyasha with caution.
“It’s just that…well, your glasses…they’re just-“ Kagome cuts off, as she tries desperately not to laugh.
Inuyasha eyes widen. “My…glasses…you’re laughing at my glasses?” He looks dejected for a moment, but it was blink-or-you’ll-miss-it, and the freak expression was soon replaced with anger, and Inuyasha storms from the room, bumping into a few walls on the way out.
Nurse Joy sighs, and looks at her list.
“Kagome, you’re next.”
Kagome wipes her eyes, and follows Nurse Joy into the bedroom.
10.00 am
Nurse Joy has nearly finished inspecting everyone, just Sesshoumaru to go. She leads Sango out to the living room, where Sesshoumaru is talking to Naraku with concern.
“You can tell me! What is it, twins, triplets! I’ll be there for you…”
Naraku has tears rolling down his cheeks, and turns to Sesshoumaru with a sob.
“Can I really tell you.”
“Of course.” Sesshoumaru smiles bravely.
“Well…” Naraku starts shakily. “I’m not pregnant (“Oh!”), but…but…”
Naraku finished with a heartfelt sob.
“She said I didn’t have a heart!”
“Oh no!” Sesshoumaru cries. “Are you dying?”
“No! But everyone has to have a heart!” Naraku sobs.
Nurse Joy strides past a dejected Kouga (“I can’t believe it’s acne…”), a ecstatic Miroku (“I have a high fertility rate!”) and an angry Kikyou (“It is SO not a third nipple!”).
She stops in front of Sesshoumaru and smiles kindly.
“Lucky last!”
“I’m always lucky.” Sesshoumaru says smugly.
10.05 am
Nurse Joy seats Sesshoumaru down, and performs the normal tests.
“Alright, Mr. Sesshoumaru, now all you need to do is read the eye chart and then you’re free to go!”
Sesshoumaru calmly stares at the chart and says –
“A U, C I B D X E S T”
Nurse Joy gives him a confused look.
“But that’s not what it says…”
Sesshoumaru grins, and repeats it slower.
“Ayy, yoouuu seee iiiii beee deee sexxxx-iii-esssst…”
10.06 am
Nurse Joy appears to have come to the end of her tether, and with an icy “You are in good health, Mr. Sesshoumaru”, she ‘removes’ him (using a pair of neverfail tweezers) from the bedroom. After the initial shock, Sesshoumaru makes his way to the living room, where Naraku is mopping the floor, singing to the classic ‘Wizard of Oz’ song – If I only had a heart.
11.00 am
Nurse Joy and her colleagues have stayed behind, not only to perform a standard health and safety check on the house but to keep an eye on Naraku in case he develops a pulse.
One Nurse Joy opens the pantry and grimaces. “Does your cottage cheese usually gurgle at people like this?”
Naraku looks up. “Oh, that’s not cottage cheese, that was some yogurt we were trying to breed with yeast in there. Is it trying to communicate again? Whack it with a celery and it’ll stop bothering you.”
“Where’s Inuyasha?” Kagome asks.
11.05 am
Kagome walks into bedroom one, where she comes across an O’Brian’s mirror replacement man picking up some shattered mirror remains on the floor. “My goodness!” She says, “What happened here?!”
The O’Brian’s guy grins. “Oh, your little dog thing here took a peek at himself in the mirror and shut ‘imself up in that big wardrobe over there.” He finishes the sentence with a snigger, and Kagome gives him a withering glance.
“Inuyasha!” She says kindly to the cupboard, “Why don’t you come out and show me your…glasses?”
A barely audible voice emanates from the cupboard - “No.”
“You don’t have to be ashamed, you know!” Kagome says, “Why, the best of people wear glasses! Like, the Queen… John Lennon… Scary Spice…my grandpa…”
The cupboard sniffles. “Feh!”
Kagome makes one last effort. “Come on Inuyasha, show just me! I’m sure you look quite handsome in them!”
The cupboard starts rocking to and fro. “That’s all you know, stupid dolt!”
Kagome is taken aback. “Well, excuse me for trying to help you!”
“Go away!”
Kagome storms out of the room.
12.00 pm
Naraku and Sesshoumaru are discussing selling their organs on E-bay, an internet auction site.
“How much do you think not having a heart will mean in losses? If I sold half my organs?” Naraku asks anxiously as Sesshoumaru quickly pushes calculator buttons with a shimmering blue fingernail. Sesshoumaru has decided that horn-rimmed glasses are decidedly trendy, and they give him a ‘sexy accountant’ look that he flaunts as much as is physically possible.
“Weeeeell…” He drawls in accountant speak, “About a 15% loss, but if you grew a few extra arms and maybe some lips… what about a kidney? Can you grow a kidney?”
Nurse Joy is packing up, and Kagome approaches her.
“Um…it’s about Inuyasha and his glasses.”
Nurse Joy looks thoughtful. “Yes…his confidence levels have dropped rather, since I made him wear them… he’s as shy as a pimply schoolboy going to a formal!”
Kagome turns pink. “Well… I thought maybe you could talk to him, you know, tell him in boy speak that glasses make him stronger or something…”
Nurse Joy bangs her fist on the wall, and Kagome jumps. “I’ve got JUST the idea! Oh yes, I have a friend who could talk to Inuyasha and build up his confidence! This guy had to overcome a lot of emotional barriers to deal with the idea of glasses too… I’ll call him up. Is that ok?”
“Permission granted,” Big Buttocks says, and Kikyou looks excited. “An unexpected visitor! We don’t get them often!”
“Mmm… seems I have to deal with unwanted visitors on a day to day basis…” Sango says, and grabs Miroku’s hand from a certain area to give it a Chinese burn.
2.00 pm
The doorbell rings, and Kouga runs to get it. He has been playing in the central heating ducts, and has filth, dust and spiders scattered throughout his hair. He opens the door to reveal a handsome young man, not much older than 19, with messy black hair and startlingly green eyes. He has a faded scar in the middle of his forehead and looks at Kouga with a strange expression. “Er…this is the Big Buttocks house, right?” He says with an English accent.
Nurse Joy shoves Kouga aside to greet the guest with a sparkling smile.
“Hello Harry!” She says.
“Hey Jocelyn,” Harry replies, and Kagome blanches.
“Hang on a second…” She says, “You’re Harry… Harry Potter? Where did your glasses go?”
Harry smiles a mysterious smile and taps the side of his nose.
“Well, let’s just say I have this little secret they call…contacts.”
“Aaah!” Kagome nods.
“Yeah,” Harry scratches his head, “I sell them for a living now… in fact, I’ll tell you another secret… I’ve worn green tinted contact lenses most of my life. Even under the glasses I used to wear. Look-” Harry reaches up to his eyes and fiddles with them. When he pulls his hands away, he reveals that in reality his eyes are a deep blue.
“I kept forgetting to put them on when I shot that movie,” He states.
2.30 pm
Nurse Joy has led Harry to the bedroom where Inuyasha has hidden himself inside the cupboard. Harry and Inuyasha have been in conversation for a good half hour, and Kagome paces up and down. Finally, when the door opens, Inuyasha comes out wearing a dazed expression and falls head first over the couch.
“Can you see now?” Sango asks.
“Aa…yeah…perfect vision,” Inuyasha mutters, blinking erratically and looking at his hands.
“Six fingers…eeeer…”
“Crikey…,” Harry says. “I don’t know what’s wrong- I gave him the strongest contacts possible, considering the diabolical marks he got on his eye test…”
Inuyasha squints at Kikyou, who floats 5cm from his face. “Who’s this?” He says coarsely. “A new visitor? I don’t remember ever seeing him!”
Kikyou floats off in tears and Nurse Joy frowns (a rare event).
“Inuyasha,” She says, “Would you please read this eye chart one more time?”
Inuyasha blushes. “Er…no need to, yeah, I can see just fine…” He sits down on the couch, apparently failing to see Miroku in the spot where he chooses to sit.
“I don’t remember this couch being this bony,” Inuyasha mumbles, as the cast are silenced in shock.
“Um...” Nurse Joy tentatively approaches Inuyasha. “Would you please read this eye chart? Just once? Just to test?” she asks, as Miroku regains his senses and growls, “Would someone get this dog off my lap?!”
Inuyasha leaps 3m in the air, and backs away from the couch terrified. “It…it spoke! It’s a youkai!”
“It’s Miroku,” Kagome says, “You sat on him!”
Harry approaches him and pulls out a slender magic wand from nowhere. “Sedere daemon canis!” He bellows, and Inuyasha thumps to the floor.
“Now!” He says, “Please, read this eye chart! It’s for your own good!”
Quite taken aback, Inuyasha averts his eyes and mutters in a low voice “I can’t… I can’t r…r…”
“Of course you can. C’mon!”
“Wait till I’ve finished talking!” Inuyasha roars. Then as soft as a whisper, he utters-
“I can’t…I can’t…r-read.”
3.20 pm
Nurse Joy and Harry Potter have left the house, leaving behind gifts of colored contact lenses for the house to experiment with, and some ‘Do-it-yourself literacy’ books for Kagome to go through with Inuyasha. The cast feel ambivalent, unsure what to do next. Inuyasha is at the most embarrassed anyone has ever seen him and he doesn’t yell at anyone for the next hour or so, keeping a low profile.
4.30 pm
Big Bollocks calls the housemates to the lounge room to discuss nominations. They must elect two housemates of their choice, in order of whom they would most like to evict out of the house. The one they want most to leave the house receives two points, the other one point.
Kagome-
“I have to say that I’m sick of Kikyou- all her floating around makes me giddy and I actually saw her looking very intensely at Inuyasha’s tooth brush the other day… I mean, what’s with that? Her behaviour is very creepy, so she gets two points. And Sesshoumaru gets one point- why? Because he’s actually been using Inuyasha’s toothbrush recently! What’s with that? It must be a brother thing…”
Naraku-
“I mutht say that Kikyou should be allocated two points for the impending contracthual eviction procethss… she doesn’t eat her greens. I keep telling her they’re vital for bone growth and heart rate- then she has the nerve to tell me that she doesn’t have any bones and gave up her heart ages ago. She gave up her heart! Just gave it up! Like that! When people like me don’t even have one! *bottom lip trembles* And also… Miroku. I just don’t… like the guy.”
Inuyasha-
“Kouga… bastard… what makes him think Kagome even likes him? Heh heh, well, he’s got a bad case of acne now so he won’t be goin’ near her for ages! Heh heh! I never went through acne! Heh heh! (Inuyasha seems to have had a quick recovery from embarrassment…) Also, Naraku… he’s just…freaky. Heh heh. He don’t have a heart! Heh… well, I sorta knew that already, I mean, I’ve neva had a pancreas but imagine not havin’ a heart! Heh heh heh! Heh heh. Heh. Er.”
Sango-
“There’s this sort of bond women have you know, like this mental link? A sort of… open vibe? Well, that vibe’s being interrupted and it’s all Kikyou’s fault! She’s so totally not a proper woman… if she was, then she wouldn’t have put Kagome’s signed baseball hat into the wash! Ayumi Hamasaki or somebody signed that for Kagome, a very special gift, apparently she’s someone famous and you know what? Kikyou put it in the wash and the autograph was washed off! So she gets two points. For my one point- Sesshoumaru. He used Miroku’s toothbrush once! Urgh… he must go through four of them a week…it’s those youkai teeth of his…”
Kouga-
“Normally I’d go first for that stupid dog turd thing, you know, normally yeh? Well, that human punk, Miroko, you know, he’s a real dodgy one, ooh, he’s been boasting about his high fertility rate you know, and you know what? He told me that my little acnies wander around my face! He said that they migrated, and one day the acne might be on my cheeks and the next day they might be on my forehead! Well, I won’t have that, you know, I hate little acne things and Kagome won’t like my acnes! Apparently they’re not handsome! So! Miroko gets two points and Inuyasha gets one point- just for teasing me.”
Kikyou-
“Kagome. Two points. *wipes away a tear* She’s stealing…*sniff* my Inuyasha away… he didn’t even recognise me with those contact lenses in! I think that merits an eviction, doesn’t it? Honestly… for my next vote… Miroku… ever since we had those medical tests the guy’s been strutting around the house like… an overgrown peacock with a Nobel Peace prize… is it possible to extract excess hormones from somebody?!”
Miroku-
“I find Kouga’s personal hygiene disgusting! He’s been using the couch cushions as pillows, and that excess acne of his will transfer to the rest of us if he keeps it up! He also is fond of pressing his cheeks up against the window for some deranged reason, and I really hate having to clean off the grease. My second point evictee is Naraku. I just don’t like the guy.” *grins*
Sesshoumaru-
“Inuyasha, dear brother, I must nominate you for eviction once more… your little “I can’t read” escapade has gone on for long enough and I’m sick of your whinging. You’d be able to read if it wasn’t for your silly pride- remember when I offered to teach you? I was just 14, out of adulthood, and you were 5- you didn’t want me to teach you because my moon tattoo transfer scared you. Well, who’s suffering now? And for my second nomination, I must allocate my vote to Miroku- though I am the embodiment of feminine grace, I still am the no. 1 symbol of sexy masculinity and Miroku seems to be challenging me to that title… so he must go. Goodbye.”
5.00 pm
To while away the time while Big Buttocks counts up the results, Kagome has tried to go through some of the Easy Learning Teach yourself to Read books with Inuyasha.
“’And I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll blow myself in!” Cried the Big Bad Wolf,” Kagome reads.
“Bloody Kouga,” Inuyasha grumbles. “How dare he harass those little pigs… they weren’t doing nothing!”
“This is Big Buttocks!” Big Buttocks cries, “The nominates for this week are Miroku, Kouga and Kikyou!”
Kikyou and Kouga seem to have been expecting this; they sit in silence and look sour. It would appear that somebody has tried to play ‘connect the dots’ with Kouga’s acne and he sits looking especially lethal with lines drawn all over his face. Miroku looks stunned.
“What did I ever do to anybody?” He demands. Everybody looks at their feet, and there is tension in the room. Miroku looks at them all, and then storms outside.
6.00 pm
“Well I didn’t vote for him!” Inuyasha says, and Kikyou agrees.
Naraku looks flustered and slams a soup tureen full of chicken stock with mushrooms on the table. “I wouldn’t have voted if I had known he’d get so upset about it!”
“Look everybody, we’re in a situation where we’re pitted against each other!” Kagome says. “We’ve got to understand that we can’t take these nominations to heart! We can’t take them personally!”
Sango has gone outside to look for Miroku, who is sitting on the edge of the spa.
“I suppose you voted for me too,” He says without turning around.
“If I had, I wouldn’t be out here, would I?” Sango says, and Miroku perks up.
“Really? Oh Sango, that really means a lot to me you know, I mean, I thought we…”
“I came to tell you dinner’s ready,” She says, and swiftly leaves before an interested hand makes contact.
1.00 am
The cast have spent the night living it up/drowning their sorrows with the remainder of Miroku’s sake. The three nominees have realized that this night could be their last in the house, and have lived it up to the full- Kikyou by completing a 356 page sonnet on death by decapitation, Kouga by discovering an acne dissolving cream in Sango’s bag and Miroku by attempting to chat up Sango (only achieving a little success on the grounds that Sango was intoxicated at the time). At one point during the night, the tipsy cast decided it would be a good idea to make one large trampoline out of all their beds, and now, at one in the morning, they have all fallen asleep on it.
4.59 am
“Mm…globbitsh…yaaaa…yae bente whrote ku…*snork* …and since when were ear cleaners a fashion accessory?”
5.00 am
“No, not again!”
The housemates are awoken by the sudden turning on of the lights.
5.02 am
If talking is detected among the housemates, then Big Buttocks will turn on the lights and they won’t be turned out until the evening. This is a ploy that punishes the housemates for waking up too early and also makes for good daytime viewing.
The automatic talk light (or the “anti-babble bitch” as Kikyou would refer to it) is a source of constant irritation, as a certain member of the cast tends to talk in his sleep and is subject to abuse and ridicule by his peers each morning for causing them to wake so early.
7.00 am
Breakfast is crumpets and museli; Naraku is obviously not inspired to come up with the usual gastronomic delights he feeds his fellow housemates.
For a start, someone appears to have taken all the honey, and Inuyasha wakes to find himself glued to his bed, with a note stuck to his forehead, on which is written… “that will teech yu for tawking in yor sleep yu stooped dog terd!”
Kouga is in high spirits and does twirly tricks with his fork.
“Heeeey Sangu,” He addresses Sango for no apparent reason, “I’m Tarzan!”
“Um…great…” Sango says, and Miroku shifts in his seat.
Silence.
“Yeah,” Kouga continues, jiggling up and down, “I’m healthy and strong and I’m gonna beat you up good one day, tog durd!”
Inuyasha doesn’t hear the last remark, sitting down to eat his breakfast slowly and looking with unease at Naraku who seems to be trying to send him hate messages with his eyebrows.
“Good for you, Kouga!” Big Buttocks booms. “I’m glad you are, because today all of you are having a heath check.”
“What?!” Sango says and Miroku chokes on his museli. “That’s fantastic!” Kagome says, “I must admit I’ve been feeling a bit under the weather recently.”
“What about me?” Says Kikyou.
“You get a check too,” Big Buttocks says. “Just because you can make yourself transparent doesn’t mean our nurses can’t tell if you’ve got a hell of a fever…”
Big Buttocks chuckles to himself untill he notices that nobody is listening.
“Yes…well…your nurse will be here in an hour or so. So be on your best behavior.” Big Buttocks hangs up.
8.00 am
The doorbell rings. Kouga races to get it, to prove to the others how fit he is. He leaves whirlwinds of dust behind, which get caught in Sesshoumaru’s eyelashes, giving him a nice ‘Man Ray’ effect that he decides to keep for the day.
Kouga opens the door to reveal a pretty girl with pink looped hair in a nurse uniform.
“Hi!” She says brightly, “I’m Nurse Joy! I’ll just bring in my super duper Nurse’s kit, and my friends will bring in the rest of the equipment!”
She goes into the bedroom, while Kouga stands at the door watching five more girls walk through, each who bear an exact resemblance to Nurse Joy. They all address him with a sweet “Hello!” before walking on, and Kouga starts to tremble, worried that the mysterious replicating effects of the house will cause him to multiply again.
8.10 am
“Right!” Nurse Joy says, “I’ve set everything up! I’ll be testing you in alphabetical order, so Inuyasha, would you come into the bedroom?”
“Uur….right.”
He steps inside the bedroom, which has been fitted with an x-ray machine, a bed for surgery and some eye charts.
“Right!” Nurse Joy says brightly. “Sit down there, and read out the letters that you see on that chart!”
Inuyasha sits and peers at the chart on the wall.
The two sit there for a while before Inuyasha says defensively, “I don’t need no test! I’m healthy! I’m as strong as the rest as them!”
“I’m sure you are,” Nurse Joy smiles, “but just to be certain, please read out the letters!”
Inuyasha squints at the chart.
“Urr…” He blushes. “They’re all…blurry.”
“Blurry?” Nurse Joy asks. “How blurry? Can you read the top row?”
Inuyasha turns crimson. “Er… no. They’re all blurry.”
“Really!” Nurse Joy exclaims. “How well can you see?! Can you see me?”
Inuyasha looks flustered. “Yes…yeah…sort of…it’s blurry…sometimes…maybe…no...probably.”
“Goodness!” Nurse Joy begins to rummage in her bag.
8.15 am
After searching through several of her ‘friends’ bags, Nurse Joy finally pulls out a small black case, and beams at Inuyasha.
“This should do the trick” she tells the uneasy Inuyasha.
“Um…it won’t involve any sort of…well, surgery will it?” he mumbles, remembering the horrific tales that Sesshoumaru had been sharing, mostly involving someone called Orlando and getting those peachy buttocks that you always wanted.
“None at all!” Nurse Joy says soothingly. “Now just hold still while I adjust them…”
8.20 am
“There! All done!”
Nurse Joy pushes in one more screw and steps back.
“Errr…so is that it?” Inuyasha asks.
“Yes, that’s all. Would you like to have a look?”
Nurse Joy pulls a hand mirror out of her pocket, and hands it to Inuyasha.
“Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh! What is it? It’s hideous! I’ve never seen THAT before!” Inuyasha yells.
“No, that’s your nose!” Nurse Joy giggles. “Those things around your eyes – that’s what I put on.”
“Oh.”
“So can you see better now? Is it better?”
“Uh, yeah.” Inuyasha mumbles, apparently embarrassed from his outburst.
“Shall we continue the checkup?” Nurse Joy smiles.
‘Uh, yeah.”
8.25 am
“I do hope you’re not pregnant again…” Sesshoumaru says to Naraku, his eyes brimming with concern.
“Yeah…me thoo..” Naraku smiles back. “Will you look after me if I am?”
“Of course! How could you ever have doubthed me?”
Kagome paces up and down impatiently.
“They’ve been in there far too long…far too long” she tells Sango, flopping into a vacant chair in defeat. However, the chair appears to be not as vacant as Kagome thought it was, and with a muffled yelp, a Big Buttocks maintenance worker pulls himself out and flees through the back door. The cast are baffled for one millisecond, but are soon on their feet, bombarding the worker with cries of –
“Pickles! We need more pickles!”, “Call Orlando! Please! I need a new appointment! I’ll pay!” and “ Bring me beer! I’ll do anything!” However the worker manages to escape, and the dejected cast return to the living room.
“I didn’t see him! I couldn’t see him!” Kagome cries defensively.
“I believe you.” Kouga tells her seriously, looking deep into her eyes.
“Please all settle down.”
Nurse Joy has come out of the bedroom, with what the cast thinks is a new visitor. However on closer inspection it appears to be Inuyasha. Inuyasha in glasses. Not just glasses, but ones with thick lenses, thick black rubbery edges, and straps around his ears.
8.30 am
“Please calm down! We still have to inspect everyone else!” Nurse Joy pleads with the hysterical cast.
Sesshoumaru has tears in his eyes, Naraku is rolling around on the floor, and even Kikyou is cackling away.
Inuyasha is completely baffled by the display.
“What? What! WHAT!!!!”
He dashes across the room, and grabs Sesshoumaru by the collar of his latest Versace kimono, and shakes him violently. “What’cha laughing at!!! C’mon!!!” This proves unsuccessful, as Sesshoumaru only laughs harder.
Kagome appears to have gained control, and approaches Inuyasha with caution.
“It’s just that…well, your glasses…they’re just-“ Kagome cuts off, as she tries desperately not to laugh.
Inuyasha eyes widen. “My…glasses…you’re laughing at my glasses?” He looks dejected for a moment, but it was blink-or-you’ll-miss-it, and the freak expression was soon replaced with anger, and Inuyasha storms from the room, bumping into a few walls on the way out.
Nurse Joy sighs, and looks at her list.
“Kagome, you’re next.”
Kagome wipes her eyes, and follows Nurse Joy into the bedroom.
10.00 am
Nurse Joy has nearly finished inspecting everyone, just Sesshoumaru to go. She leads Sango out to the living room, where Sesshoumaru is talking to Naraku with concern.
“You can tell me! What is it, twins, triplets! I’ll be there for you…”
Naraku has tears rolling down his cheeks, and turns to Sesshoumaru with a sob.
“Can I really tell you.”
“Of course.” Sesshoumaru smiles bravely.
“Well…” Naraku starts shakily. “I’m not pregnant (“Oh!”), but…but…”
Naraku finished with a heartfelt sob.
“She said I didn’t have a heart!”
“Oh no!” Sesshoumaru cries. “Are you dying?”
“No! But everyone has to have a heart!” Naraku sobs.
Nurse Joy strides past a dejected Kouga (“I can’t believe it’s acne…”), a ecstatic Miroku (“I have a high fertility rate!”) and an angry Kikyou (“It is SO not a third nipple!”).
She stops in front of Sesshoumaru and smiles kindly.
“Lucky last!”
“I’m always lucky.” Sesshoumaru says smugly.
10.05 am
Nurse Joy seats Sesshoumaru down, and performs the normal tests.
“Alright, Mr. Sesshoumaru, now all you need to do is read the eye chart and then you’re free to go!”
Sesshoumaru calmly stares at the chart and says –
“A U, C I B D X E S T”
Nurse Joy gives him a confused look.
“But that’s not what it says…”
Sesshoumaru grins, and repeats it slower.
“Ayy, yoouuu seee iiiii beee deee sexxxx-iii-esssst…”
10.06 am
Nurse Joy appears to have come to the end of her tether, and with an icy “You are in good health, Mr. Sesshoumaru”, she ‘removes’ him (using a pair of neverfail tweezers) from the bedroom. After the initial shock, Sesshoumaru makes his way to the living room, where Naraku is mopping the floor, singing to the classic ‘Wizard of Oz’ song – If I only had a heart.
11.00 am
Nurse Joy and her colleagues have stayed behind, not only to perform a standard health and safety check on the house but to keep an eye on Naraku in case he develops a pulse.
One Nurse Joy opens the pantry and grimaces. “Does your cottage cheese usually gurgle at people like this?”
Naraku looks up. “Oh, that’s not cottage cheese, that was some yogurt we were trying to breed with yeast in there. Is it trying to communicate again? Whack it with a celery and it’ll stop bothering you.”
“Where’s Inuyasha?” Kagome asks.
11.05 am
Kagome walks into bedroom one, where she comes across an O’Brian’s mirror replacement man picking up some shattered mirror remains on the floor. “My goodness!” She says, “What happened here?!”
The O’Brian’s guy grins. “Oh, your little dog thing here took a peek at himself in the mirror and shut ‘imself up in that big wardrobe over there.” He finishes the sentence with a snigger, and Kagome gives him a withering glance.
“Inuyasha!” She says kindly to the cupboard, “Why don’t you come out and show me your…glasses?”
A barely audible voice emanates from the cupboard - “No.”
“You don’t have to be ashamed, you know!” Kagome says, “Why, the best of people wear glasses! Like, the Queen… John Lennon… Scary Spice…my grandpa…”
The cupboard sniffles. “Feh!”
Kagome makes one last effort. “Come on Inuyasha, show just me! I’m sure you look quite handsome in them!”
The cupboard starts rocking to and fro. “That’s all you know, stupid dolt!”
Kagome is taken aback. “Well, excuse me for trying to help you!”
“Go away!”
Kagome storms out of the room.
12.00 pm
Naraku and Sesshoumaru are discussing selling their organs on E-bay, an internet auction site.
“How much do you think not having a heart will mean in losses? If I sold half my organs?” Naraku asks anxiously as Sesshoumaru quickly pushes calculator buttons with a shimmering blue fingernail. Sesshoumaru has decided that horn-rimmed glasses are decidedly trendy, and they give him a ‘sexy accountant’ look that he flaunts as much as is physically possible.
“Weeeeell…” He drawls in accountant speak, “About a 15% loss, but if you grew a few extra arms and maybe some lips… what about a kidney? Can you grow a kidney?”
Nurse Joy is packing up, and Kagome approaches her.
“Um…it’s about Inuyasha and his glasses.”
Nurse Joy looks thoughtful. “Yes…his confidence levels have dropped rather, since I made him wear them… he’s as shy as a pimply schoolboy going to a formal!”
Kagome turns pink. “Well… I thought maybe you could talk to him, you know, tell him in boy speak that glasses make him stronger or something…”
Nurse Joy bangs her fist on the wall, and Kagome jumps. “I’ve got JUST the idea! Oh yes, I have a friend who could talk to Inuyasha and build up his confidence! This guy had to overcome a lot of emotional barriers to deal with the idea of glasses too… I’ll call him up. Is that ok?”
“Permission granted,” Big Buttocks says, and Kikyou looks excited. “An unexpected visitor! We don’t get them often!”
“Mmm… seems I have to deal with unwanted visitors on a day to day basis…” Sango says, and grabs Miroku’s hand from a certain area to give it a Chinese burn.
2.00 pm
The doorbell rings, and Kouga runs to get it. He has been playing in the central heating ducts, and has filth, dust and spiders scattered throughout his hair. He opens the door to reveal a handsome young man, not much older than 19, with messy black hair and startlingly green eyes. He has a faded scar in the middle of his forehead and looks at Kouga with a strange expression. “Er…this is the Big Buttocks house, right?” He says with an English accent.
Nurse Joy shoves Kouga aside to greet the guest with a sparkling smile.
“Hello Harry!” She says.
“Hey Jocelyn,” Harry replies, and Kagome blanches.
“Hang on a second…” She says, “You’re Harry… Harry Potter? Where did your glasses go?”
Harry smiles a mysterious smile and taps the side of his nose.
“Well, let’s just say I have this little secret they call…contacts.”
“Aaah!” Kagome nods.
“Yeah,” Harry scratches his head, “I sell them for a living now… in fact, I’ll tell you another secret… I’ve worn green tinted contact lenses most of my life. Even under the glasses I used to wear. Look-” Harry reaches up to his eyes and fiddles with them. When he pulls his hands away, he reveals that in reality his eyes are a deep blue.
“I kept forgetting to put them on when I shot that movie,” He states.
2.30 pm
Nurse Joy has led Harry to the bedroom where Inuyasha has hidden himself inside the cupboard. Harry and Inuyasha have been in conversation for a good half hour, and Kagome paces up and down. Finally, when the door opens, Inuyasha comes out wearing a dazed expression and falls head first over the couch.
“Can you see now?” Sango asks.
“Aa…yeah…perfect vision,” Inuyasha mutters, blinking erratically and looking at his hands.
“Six fingers…eeeer…”
“Crikey…,” Harry says. “I don’t know what’s wrong- I gave him the strongest contacts possible, considering the diabolical marks he got on his eye test…”
Inuyasha squints at Kikyou, who floats 5cm from his face. “Who’s this?” He says coarsely. “A new visitor? I don’t remember ever seeing him!”
Kikyou floats off in tears and Nurse Joy frowns (a rare event).
“Inuyasha,” She says, “Would you please read this eye chart one more time?”
Inuyasha blushes. “Er…no need to, yeah, I can see just fine…” He sits down on the couch, apparently failing to see Miroku in the spot where he chooses to sit.
“I don’t remember this couch being this bony,” Inuyasha mumbles, as the cast are silenced in shock.
“Um...” Nurse Joy tentatively approaches Inuyasha. “Would you please read this eye chart? Just once? Just to test?” she asks, as Miroku regains his senses and growls, “Would someone get this dog off my lap?!”
Inuyasha leaps 3m in the air, and backs away from the couch terrified. “It…it spoke! It’s a youkai!”
“It’s Miroku,” Kagome says, “You sat on him!”
Harry approaches him and pulls out a slender magic wand from nowhere. “Sedere daemon canis!” He bellows, and Inuyasha thumps to the floor.
“Now!” He says, “Please, read this eye chart! It’s for your own good!”
Quite taken aback, Inuyasha averts his eyes and mutters in a low voice “I can’t… I can’t r…r…”
“Of course you can. C’mon!”
“Wait till I’ve finished talking!” Inuyasha roars. Then as soft as a whisper, he utters-
“I can’t…I can’t…r-read.”
3.20 pm
Nurse Joy and Harry Potter have left the house, leaving behind gifts of colored contact lenses for the house to experiment with, and some ‘Do-it-yourself literacy’ books for Kagome to go through with Inuyasha. The cast feel ambivalent, unsure what to do next. Inuyasha is at the most embarrassed anyone has ever seen him and he doesn’t yell at anyone for the next hour or so, keeping a low profile.
4.30 pm
Big Bollocks calls the housemates to the lounge room to discuss nominations. They must elect two housemates of their choice, in order of whom they would most like to evict out of the house. The one they want most to leave the house receives two points, the other one point.
Kagome-
“I have to say that I’m sick of Kikyou- all her floating around makes me giddy and I actually saw her looking very intensely at Inuyasha’s tooth brush the other day… I mean, what’s with that? Her behaviour is very creepy, so she gets two points. And Sesshoumaru gets one point- why? Because he’s actually been using Inuyasha’s toothbrush recently! What’s with that? It must be a brother thing…”
Naraku-
“I mutht say that Kikyou should be allocated two points for the impending contracthual eviction procethss… she doesn’t eat her greens. I keep telling her they’re vital for bone growth and heart rate- then she has the nerve to tell me that she doesn’t have any bones and gave up her heart ages ago. She gave up her heart! Just gave it up! Like that! When people like me don’t even have one! *bottom lip trembles* And also… Miroku. I just don’t… like the guy.”
Inuyasha-
“Kouga… bastard… what makes him think Kagome even likes him? Heh heh, well, he’s got a bad case of acne now so he won’t be goin’ near her for ages! Heh heh! I never went through acne! Heh heh! (Inuyasha seems to have had a quick recovery from embarrassment…) Also, Naraku… he’s just…freaky. Heh heh. He don’t have a heart! Heh… well, I sorta knew that already, I mean, I’ve neva had a pancreas but imagine not havin’ a heart! Heh heh heh! Heh heh. Heh. Er.”
Sango-
“There’s this sort of bond women have you know, like this mental link? A sort of… open vibe? Well, that vibe’s being interrupted and it’s all Kikyou’s fault! She’s so totally not a proper woman… if she was, then she wouldn’t have put Kagome’s signed baseball hat into the wash! Ayumi Hamasaki or somebody signed that for Kagome, a very special gift, apparently she’s someone famous and you know what? Kikyou put it in the wash and the autograph was washed off! So she gets two points. For my one point- Sesshoumaru. He used Miroku’s toothbrush once! Urgh… he must go through four of them a week…it’s those youkai teeth of his…”
Kouga-
“Normally I’d go first for that stupid dog turd thing, you know, normally yeh? Well, that human punk, Miroko, you know, he’s a real dodgy one, ooh, he’s been boasting about his high fertility rate you know, and you know what? He told me that my little acnies wander around my face! He said that they migrated, and one day the acne might be on my cheeks and the next day they might be on my forehead! Well, I won’t have that, you know, I hate little acne things and Kagome won’t like my acnes! Apparently they’re not handsome! So! Miroko gets two points and Inuyasha gets one point- just for teasing me.”
Kikyou-
“Kagome. Two points. *wipes away a tear* She’s stealing…*sniff* my Inuyasha away… he didn’t even recognise me with those contact lenses in! I think that merits an eviction, doesn’t it? Honestly… for my next vote… Miroku… ever since we had those medical tests the guy’s been strutting around the house like… an overgrown peacock with a Nobel Peace prize… is it possible to extract excess hormones from somebody?!”
Miroku-
“I find Kouga’s personal hygiene disgusting! He’s been using the couch cushions as pillows, and that excess acne of his will transfer to the rest of us if he keeps it up! He also is fond of pressing his cheeks up against the window for some deranged reason, and I really hate having to clean off the grease. My second point evictee is Naraku. I just don’t like the guy.” *grins*
Sesshoumaru-
“Inuyasha, dear brother, I must nominate you for eviction once more… your little “I can’t read” escapade has gone on for long enough and I’m sick of your whinging. You’d be able to read if it wasn’t for your silly pride- remember when I offered to teach you? I was just 14, out of adulthood, and you were 5- you didn’t want me to teach you because my moon tattoo transfer scared you. Well, who’s suffering now? And for my second nomination, I must allocate my vote to Miroku- though I am the embodiment of feminine grace, I still am the no. 1 symbol of sexy masculinity and Miroku seems to be challenging me to that title… so he must go. Goodbye.”
5.00 pm
To while away the time while Big Buttocks counts up the results, Kagome has tried to go through some of the Easy Learning Teach yourself to Read books with Inuyasha.
“’And I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll blow myself in!” Cried the Big Bad Wolf,” Kagome reads.
“Bloody Kouga,” Inuyasha grumbles. “How dare he harass those little pigs… they weren’t doing nothing!”
“This is Big Buttocks!” Big Buttocks cries, “The nominates for this week are Miroku, Kouga and Kikyou!”
Kikyou and Kouga seem to have been expecting this; they sit in silence and look sour. It would appear that somebody has tried to play ‘connect the dots’ with Kouga’s acne and he sits looking especially lethal with lines drawn all over his face. Miroku looks stunned.
“What did I ever do to anybody?” He demands. Everybody looks at their feet, and there is tension in the room. Miroku looks at them all, and then storms outside.
6.00 pm
“Well I didn’t vote for him!” Inuyasha says, and Kikyou agrees.
Naraku looks flustered and slams a soup tureen full of chicken stock with mushrooms on the table. “I wouldn’t have voted if I had known he’d get so upset about it!”
“Look everybody, we’re in a situation where we’re pitted against each other!” Kagome says. “We’ve got to understand that we can’t take these nominations to heart! We can’t take them personally!”
Sango has gone outside to look for Miroku, who is sitting on the edge of the spa.
“I suppose you voted for me too,” He says without turning around.
“If I had, I wouldn’t be out here, would I?” Sango says, and Miroku perks up.
“Really? Oh Sango, that really means a lot to me you know, I mean, I thought we…”
“I came to tell you dinner’s ready,” She says, and swiftly leaves before an interested hand makes contact.
1.00 am
The cast have spent the night living it up/drowning their sorrows with the remainder of Miroku’s sake. The three nominees have realized that this night could be their last in the house, and have lived it up to the full- Kikyou by completing a 356 page sonnet on death by decapitation, Kouga by discovering an acne dissolving cream in Sango’s bag and Miroku by attempting to chat up Sango (only achieving a little success on the grounds that Sango was intoxicated at the time). At one point during the night, the tipsy cast decided it would be a good idea to make one large trampoline out of all their beds, and now, at one in the morning, they have all fallen asleep on it.
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RussianFox
- Cannon
- Posts: 1174
- Joined: Fri Jan 30, 2004 5:55 am
- Location: Sengoku Jidai Era
you probably already noticed that BB has nothing to do with the series. except chars and soem of their relations. and even some chars' personalities have been changed. for more effect. notice sesshoumaru and naraku.
i have a feeling hough, that your question is about the series. is so, .... i have no idea.
i have a feeling hough, that your question is about the series. is so, .... i have no idea.
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RussianFox
- Cannon
- Posts: 1174
- Joined: Fri Jan 30, 2004 5:55 am
- Location: Sengoku Jidai Era
Wednesday
8.00 am
Sango and Kagome wake up in silly moods after their night of partying. They are spotted in their nighties on camera 3D waking early to partake in an activity they seem to enjoy- playing the ‘baby face game’. Last night, for some reason unbeknownst to viewers, the cast decided to merge all their beds into one big trampoline, which makes playing this game especially easy. Sango and Kagome sneak around the bedroom and carefully pull back the sheets of various cast members in order to look at their ‘baby’ faces while they’re sleeping.
“Miroku now!” Sango whispers in a giggle and they both bound over and pull back his blanket to reveal Miroku deep in sleep.
“Awwwwwwwwww!”
The girls say, peering into his ‘sleeping baby face’, with his lips slightly open and hair everywhere. “So sweeeet! You’d never guess he was a pervert,” Sango says. “Quick, quick, take a photo!”
Kagome takes a snap.
“Now Inuyasha!” Kagome cries, and they skip over to Inuyasha who has fallen off the bed onto the floor.
They pull back his blanket and look at his sleeping face.
“Awwwwwwwwwww! Baaaaby! Isn’t he cute?”
The girls gush. Inuyasha makes a little sleepy-growly-baby noise as he dreams of talking walnuts, and the girls have to bite on their fists to stop themselves from screaming at the cuteness.
“Shall we look at Kouga?” Kagome says, and Sango nods. They walk over to a fruit box Kouga has shoved himself into and pull back his sheets.
“Awwwwwwwwwwww! He’s sucking his thumb! Adorable!”
“And he wears his leg warmers to bed! Sweetie!”
“Shall we do Sesshoumaru?”
“Yeah, he rarely sleeps so this is a perfect opportunity!”
The girls tiptoe over to Sesshoumaru’s patch and pull back the velvet face cover he wears so nobody sees him sleeping.
“Awww- eerhrhhhh!”
Sesshoumaru has dribbled in his sleep, and his lips are now stuck to the pillow. He looks like an entirely different person- his makeup has all been taken off, and he has a cold as well and seems to have shoved a tissue up his nose to prevent mucus from coming out. His hair is all plastered together and he cuddles a mangy soft toy something. Sango and Kagome are horrified, and slowly back away from the bed.
“My god...”
“Well, at least now we know why it takes him 5 hours in the bathroom...”
“Must take at least 1 to scrub off all that dribble!”
Sango stifles a laugh, and Kagome has recovered enough to make a suggestion; “Let’s look at Kikyou!”
Sango looks horrified. “Noooo!”
“Yes, lets! And we’ll take a photo!”
Sango giggles. “Shall we?” She whispers.
“Yes, shall we?”
“Let’s go!”
“You first!”
Giggling, Kagome and Sango tiptoe over to a Kikyou-shaped lump and pull back the covers to reveal a skeleton.
8.05 am
“EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
8.07 am
“Oh my god, she finally died!” Sango exclaims. “Brilliant!”
“You’re not serious!” Kagome cries.
“What are we going to do? People will think we killed her!”
“Oh no!” Kagome says and hurriedly replaces the sheet.
“Quick, let’s go,” Sango says, and they turn around to find themselves face to face with a floating Kikyou.
“Oh ho ho,” She says snidely. “Thought you’d topped me, did you? Well, as soon as I saw you playing the baby face game with my sweetheart, I thought I’d better protect myself. You’ll NEVER get a photo of me sleeping, you know why? Because I NEVER SLEEP! The hours of the night are the hours of the dead, bet you didn’t know that, did you? Oh no, the gates of hel- hey, where are you going? Listen to me! Wait up! Don’t leave me here!”
8.10 am
The male members of the cast emerge from the bedroom bleary eyed and tousle-haired, and even more spaced out than usual. Kagome and Sango are in bright spirits and greet them cheerfully.
8.30 am
After a nourishing breakfast, bathroom 2 has been taken over by Sesshoumaru and his daily routine, and the rest of the cast are enjoying a leisurely chitchat on the couches.
“Come on Kouga!” Kagome encourages. “Tell us! We told you ours!”
“No. It’s…embarrassing”.
“Puhlese?”
“Well…”
The cast leans in eagerly.
“I really want to be reincarnated as…a butterfly”.
“A butterfly!” Inuyasha snorts. “Whayddaya want that for?”
Kouga turns red.
“Well, it’s better than yours llama-boy!” he snarls.
“Well... at least llamas are dignified!”
“Calm down…it’s ok” Kagome says. “Everyone’s entitled to their own opinion! A butterfly is quite lovely, Kouga!”
“Hmmmph.”
Kikyou suddenly floats down from the ceiling, and lands in front of Kagome.
“Well, I still say that I got the worst reincarnation. God, imagine being incarnated as this! Do you know how hard it is to move this sack of clay and bones?”
Inuyasha jumps to his feet, all eyes upon him. His face is determined, and he walks right up to Kikyou. Then, right past Kikyou.
“I’m going to the loo.” He says, going out the back door.
“Uh, Inuyasha..” Kagome says quietly. “We discussed this before…right?”
“Er, yeah...”
Face red, Inuyasha comes inside, and heads towards bathroom 1.
9.10 am
Bored with the endless chitchat, the cast search for something else to do.
“Doesn’t this worry you though?” Miroku says. “I mean, Big Buttocks hasn’t asked us to actually do anything yet…shouldn’t we just await further instructions?”
“Maybe he’s letting us have a day off? Maybe he’s being nice!” Kagome says in shock.
“Mmm. Maybe.”
Kouga sighs femininely. “Such a nice day!”
“Kouga. Don’t sigh like that. It’s unmanly.” Inuyasha says.
“I agree with Kouga,” Miroku says, and changes the subject. “Why don’t we use this nice day to take a swim? I’d love to see Lady Kagome and Lady Sango in their bathe- getting some exercise.”
“Actually, I haven’t been swimming for ages!” Kagome agrees. “That’s a good idea, Miroku. Who’s coming?”
9.20 am
Changed and ready, the cast heads down to the pool. Keeping a straight face at Inuyasha’s chosen form of swim wear, Kagome asks him if he is planning to swim – after all, he hasn’t before.
“Well, duh Kagome,” Inuyasha replies, adjusting the straps on his wetsuit and inflating his floaties.
“But wouldn’t something like this be better?” Kagome asks, holding up a pair of board shorts.
“…No, why?”
9.30 am
On the other side of the pool, Miroku and Sango are enjoying an intelligent conversation, when a disturbing sight catches Sango’s attention.
“Wha..wha…what…what are you doing in my ‘ki ki the one legged pelican’ bathers, Naraku?!” she yells.
Naraku looks quite a sight in a pair of double frilled pink bathers, with a triple lace swimming cap.
“And that’s my ‘po po the dung beetle’ swimming cap you- nothing.” Miroku says as Sango gives him a funny look.
Narakus bottom lip begins to quiver.
“So…so..so what if I forgot my bathers..” he wails. “I didn’t think you’d mind”
“Didn’t…think..” Sango mutters. “What is wrong with him…”
“You’re…you’re… so MEAN!” Naraku yells, and sobbing, runs to the other side of the pool, shredding tissues in his wake.
9.45 am
“AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGHHH!”
The cast looks up to see Kouga stumbling away from the diving board. It appears that he has brained himself on the metal edge, while attempting to perform a triple somersault. Allowing himself too much room resulted in him somersaulting onto the actual board.
“AAAA…MY HEAD!!!”
Kagome rushes over to Kouga, sitting him down against a tree.
“Are you ok?” she asks. “Let me see…”
Inuyasha watches grumpily as Kagome treats Kouga’s wound.
“Oh, Inu-dear. Would you like to swim with me?”
Inuyasha looks up to see Kikyou in a stunning set of black bathers.
“Uh..uh..ok…”
9.55 am
Most of the cast are now in the swimming pool, and even Kouga is splashing around.
Inuyasha bobs up and down in his floaties, holding tightly to Kikyous hand, coughing and spluttering as he does his best to stay afloat.
“Inuyasha,” Miroku says. “I thought you could swim.”
“I can!” Inuyasha snaps defensively. “I just can’t float.”
“Isn’t that…”
“….the same thing?” Sango and Miroku agree.
Suddenly Sesshoumaru walks towards them. His beauty session is now over, and bathroom 2 is free again.
“Excuthe me. Big Buttocks wants you all.” He says importantly. ‘You’d betther all go dry off.”
The cast scramble to get out of the pool, and get dressed.
10.00 am
The cast sit around impatiently in the living room, awaiting their instructions.
“Good Morning!” Big Buttocks booms.
“Morning.” Comes the grumpy reply.
“Just when I thought we might get a day off” Miroku whispers to Sango.
“I heard that!” Big Buttocks says. “Now your task for today.”
“What is it, Big Butthocks?” Naraku asks eagerly.
“Heh heh. That’s for me to know and you to find out!” Big Buttocks booms.
“For him to know…” Kagome wonders.
“…And us to find out.” Sango says.
“Then that must mean…that we have to find out what our task is!” Miroku says.
“It must be around the house somewhere!” Kouga agrees.
“Ok. The eathieset way to figure this out ith to make groupth.” Sesshoumaru says.
“Yeth.” Naraku says.
“Well then. Sango and I will look outside for clues.” Miroku says.
“Yes,” Says Sango. “Why don’t Naraku and Sesshoumaru look in the bedroom...”
“I’ll take Inuyasha into the bathrooms,” Kikyou hisses, leaving Kagome with Kouga to search in the kitchen.
“Is that settled?” Miroku asks.
“Uh..” Big Buttocks interrupts.
“Okay, so everyone go to your designated areas and start looking for clues!” Miroku orders. “Good luck!”
“Right!” The cast choruses.
“Uh…wait…” Big Buttocks starts as the cast leave the room. “Oh, never mind.”
10.15 am
Kouga and Kagome begin their search in the kitchen. Neither of them has had much experience here, as it tends to be Narakus domain.
“Eeehh…” Kagome grimaces as she picks her way through some dark green substance. “Where are we meant to begin looking?”
“Ummm…what exactly are we looking for, wohman?”
Kagome stops looking through the tomato chocolate fondu from three nights ago and smiles at Kouga.
“Well, something that helps us to know what our task is. For example, a bit of writing on some paper saying ‘go to bathroom 3 to find your task’, or some other bit of writing saying ‘your task is…’ or maybe a cake in the shape of Germany with instructions on it for German folk dancing. You get the picture?”
“Like this one?” Kouga asks holding up a cake in the shape of Antartica with instructions of building an igloo.
“Ah, no. Naraku just ordered that in a catalogue.”
10.30 am
Outside in the garden Miroku and Sango begin their search. The garden is fairly big and they decide to work from one side to the other.
“Hey houshi-sama!” Sango calls from the top of one tree. “There’s a note up here, but I think it’s just another one of Inuyasha poetry pieces. This is his tree after all.”
“I don’t know. Read it out,” Miroku calls back.
“Sure. *ahem*.
Both have black hair.
One has evil stare.
One has loose socks.
I like pork chops.”
“Yep, I’d say that that’s Inuyasha’s poetry!”
10.45 am
Sesshoumaru and Naraku are having a ball, roaming through everyone’s stuff.
“Ooh, Fluffy, look at this!” Naraku exclaims holding up a pair of sexy black knickers. “I wonder who owns these!”
Sesshoumaru turns a little pink.
“I thought we agreed to go through our own shtuff, by ourshelves.” He snaps.
“Oh. Oh! I’m sorry!” Naraku mumbles pushing the underwear away.
“Ah! Now this ishn’t mine!” Sesshoumaru exclaims holding up a red g-string. “Is it yours?”
“No! How could you, my Fluff-bum? I’m not a size 10! I’m size 8! I’m soooo upshet!” Naraku cries.
“I’m sorry, my snokle pie.” Sesshoumaru soothes. “I’ll give you a skin cleanser makeover to apologize.”
11.30 am
Kagome and Kouga are not having much luck in the kitchen, having looked through the pantry, and under the sink encountering all sorts of strange things in the process.
“Kouga, don’t you think that it’s strange that we haven’t seen any food yet?” Kagome queries.
“Our…master….where is he….tell us…now”
“Hmm…Kouga…did you just say something?” Kagome asks absent mindedly.
“Where is he…where is he…where is Naraku?”
“Kouga?” Kagome asks.
She turns around. Kouga is staring transfixed at the fridge, which appears to be rocking back and forth.
“It…it…” Kouga stutters. He looks terrified. “The fridge…it…it..spoke!”
“Non...nonsense!” says Kagome, much more confidently than she feels.
Suddenly the fridge bursts open, showering the two with all sorts of strange… food?
Kagome looks up to see a creature standing over her, which looks something like artichoke cheesecake.
“Tell us where our master is…why are you here? Where is our master, Naraku?” it rumbles.
“I…I…don’t know!” Kagome cries. “Kouga…Kouga!”
Kouga is flat of his back, being held down by strawberry-pork pasties and orange-cucumber club sandwiches. All she can see are his eyes, which are filled with terror.
“AAAaaaaaaaaaaaa!”
12.00 pm
Sango and Miroku are having a very interesting time. It seems that Inuyasha has been storing his poetry in different trees, and some are quite amusing.
“Hey…hey listen to this one!” Miroku says.
“Ok, but you gotta hear this one, houshi-sama!” Sango smiles.
“Sure. *ahem*
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
The girl that I like,
Wears a sailor-fuku.”
“This one is so much bette- what! The girl that he likes…”
“…wears a sailor-fuku!” Miroku continues. “And I doubt Kikyou has ever worn a sailor-fuku in her life.”
“Well, you gotta hear this one!” Sango says.
“*ahem*
Big Buttocks is a turd,
My brother is absurd.
Kagome is kind of sweet,
Miroku has nice feet,
Naraku is just weird,
Shippou went and grew a beard.
Kouga is really hairy,
Kikyou is really scary.
Sango’s gone round the bend,
And this is the end.”
“I have nice feet?” Miroku says, amused.
“Well, it’s partially true. The poem, that is.” Sango says. “And you have got nice feet.”
1.00 pm
“Alright! Back off now! I’m armed!” Kagome threatens. She has been backed into a corner by a pair of evil broccoli-shortbread fritters and has resorted to arming herself with…a fork.
“Do you want to join my breakfast?” Kagome asks menacingly.
“Bwahahahaha! You wouldn’t dare eat us!” say the fritters, advancing further.
“You’re right! I wouldn’t! Aaaaa!”
Kagome drops the fork and falls to her knees, trembling.
“Get her boys!” yells the microwave.
“Yeah!” agrees the toaster.
“Show her pain!” screams the blender.
“Why are all these appliances talking?!” Kagome yells. “Right that’s it! I’ve had enough! I’m sick of being intimidated by date-abalone puddings!”
“But you know!” cackles the asparagus pie. “Dates are best at intimidate-ing. They’re also very good at dating! Bwahahahah!”
Grabbing another fork, Kagome prepares herself, and with a yell launches herself at a broccoli-shortbread fritter and shreds it. And another. And another.
“It’s no good!” she puffs. “There’s just too many!”
1.30
“Oi! Houshi-sama! I’ve found another poem, but no clues.” Sango calls, from the very last tree.
“Well, lets hear it!” Miroku says.
“Ok.
*ahem*
Today
Bright
Sunny
A day to live
I like pork chops”
“He’s very disturbed isn’t he.” Says Miroku as Sango hops out of the tree.
“Yes.”
“Hey Sango. How come you always say *ahem* at the beginning of the poem?”
“Hm? Oh, I don’t! He writes it! See?” Sango laughs, showing Miroku the poem.
“Oh…hey, I found another poem. You want to hear?”
“Yeah…”
“Ok.
*ahem*
Since I first met her,
I could tell that she were different from the rest.
There was something in her eyes, in her posture, in the way she composed herself.
She was definitely different.
I knew then,
That I would be with her forever.”
“He…he wrote that!” Sango exclaims, shocked.
“No…Sango. I wrote that!” Miroku says, looking deep into her eyes.
“Oh! Houshi-sama…I…I…I”
“Shit!”
“Huh? Houshi-sama?”
“A bloody bird shat on my head!” Miroku says grumpily.
“Eewwww. That’s disgusting! Go and wash it off!” Sango says, turning around. “I’ll keep looking here.”
“Damn.”
Miroku heads off inside, hand to head covering the sticky mess.
1.40 pm
Kagome is just about ready to cry. The appliances have also ganged up on her, and there seems no escape. She drops her forks.
“I…I surrend-
“Freddie-goo! Mark-poo! Helga! What are you all doing!” a voice suddenly cuts her off.
Naraku walks in, hands on hips.
“How could you! I’m very dishappointed in all of you!” he says.
Like magic, the appliances all backtrack to their spots, and the fritters and food slowly make their way back to the fridge. Kouga sits up, coughing and spluttering.
Naraku kneels beside him.
“I’m so sorry! I should have told them that they would have unexpecthed visitors!” Naraku says.
Kagome sinks to the floor, relieved.
“How about some lunch!” Naraku asks cheerfully.
1.50 pm
The cast sit around the table, eating lunch. Everyone has gathered together to take a break while searching.
“Anyone had any luck?” Sango asks, through a mouthful of food.
The cast shake their heads in unison.
“Nothing.” Sesshoumaru says dejectedly. “But someone owns a sexthy red g-sthring”.
There’s an outburst of coughing from Inuyasha on the other side of the table, as he chokes.
“I thought you didn’t buy it!” Kikyou says angrily to Kagome.
“I didn’t!” Kagome says defensively.
“Eh?” Inuyasha returns to the table. “Kagome, how come you’re not eating anything?”
“Not hungry.”
“Have some of my broccoli-shortbread fritter?” he says generously
“Or date-abalone pudding?” he adds, surprised by her flinch.
“Aarrgh. It’s hopeless” Sango says, frustrated. “Big Buttocks, please just tell us what the task is!”
“Of course.” Big Buttocks booms.
“What?”
“Well, I was only kidding when I said that, and you all disappeared and I didn’t know what to do. So I just let be. All you had to do was ask!” Big Buttocks explains.
“Aaarghhhhh! Why didn’t you say so from the beginning!” Miroku roars.
“Settle, petal! You were all so into it, I decided to let you be!” Big Buttocks says.
Miroku looks deflated.
“So do you want to know what your task is?” Big Buttocks asks.
“Yeah. Fire away.” Kagome says.
“Could I have a volunteer to come to the bedroom?”
“I’ll go.”
Sango walks over to the bedroom, and walks inside.
“Bring out the package.”
Sango comes out struggling with a massive, flat parcel.
“Who’s job was it to search the bedroom” Miroku says dangerously.
Sesshoumaru and Naraku giggle nervously.
“Open the parcel.”
Sango does, and it reveals a huge canvas, quite a few meters in length. It also holds some art materials such as paints.
“Rightio. Your job is to paint a mural of some sort – it can be anything.” Big Buttocks says.
“Paint!” Inuyasha says panicking.
“That’s ok…isn’t it?” says Kagome. “I mean, it’s not too hard.”
“I’m not done yet!” Big Buttocks booms. “You must all contribute in the painting and the decision making. But.”
“But?”
“But your can’t talk to each other. You must communicate another way.”
“Another way?”
“Your time begins…now!”
The cast look around at each other.
Suddenly Sesshoumaru jumps up and rolls around on the floor making grunting noises.
“No youkai language!” Big Buttocks roars. “And no writing either!”
2.00 pm
The cast are now seated on and around the couches, trying to decide on a theme. The atmosphere is not a happy one. Sesshoumaru and Naraku are sprawled out on the floor, plaiting each others hair.
Suddenly Kagome stands up. She puts an arm up to her face and stretches it out. Then she bends over double and sways the arm from side to side. Inuyasha’s eyes open slightly, and he also stands up. He puffs his hair up and winds it around his neck. Then he spreads himself over the edge of the couch and starts roaring.
“Ah!”
Sango joins them, by going on all fours and throwing Naraku’s zebra skin jacket over herself.
One by one, the cast members join the strange activity, except for Sesshoumaru.
“I don’t get it. AH! Wait”
Sesshoumaru stands up, flapping his arms up and down vigorously.
“Right! You’ve all decided, you can start talking and painting.” Big Buttocks interrupts.
Kagome smiles.
“I’m so happy! I didn’t think that anyone could tell that I meant a zoo!”
“Zoo? I was being an airplane!”
“Airplane? I thought you were a forklift!”
“Oh dear. I was being a farmer.”
“Ehhh. Well, lets just draw a zoo anyway!” Kagome says cheerfully.
2.20 pm
The cast have started painting and each person has about a 30cm times 60cm rectangle to fill out. Kagome has started to draw an elephant enclosure, and next to her Kikyou is working on an enclosure titled ‘Animals from hell’. It includes three gorillas with iguana heads, and two sheep with the legs of a seagull.
Kikyou looks at Kagome’s work.
“That’s an elephant?!?! It looks more like a vegetable!” she laughs.
“Well…at least I can draw a normal animal.” Kagome says.
“Hm.”
Kagome turns to wash out her paintbrush, and when she returns to her elephant to discover that it has sprouted antennae and red stripes.
“Aah! Oh no!”
Kagome looks at her ruined work with disappointment.
“That’s horrible Kikyou!”
“Too bad!” Kikyou scolds.
“If you see the bloody mess.
You will die, but it’s for the best.
Has no one told you you can’t draw?
You- in fact- are one big flaw!
Bwahahahahahaha!”
Kagome looks really hurt, and turns away.
“Oi! Kikyou! Leave her alone!” Inuyasha yells.
All eyes turn to Inuyasha.
“Please.” He adds.
“Ooohh! He defends her, doesn’t he Fluffy-poo!” Naraku giggles.
“And he watches her when she’s asleep, doesn’t he Narakuuu!”
“And he-
“That’s enough!” growls Inuyasha.
“Oooohh!” Naraku and Sesshoumaru giggle.
2.30 pm
Both Kouga and Inuyasha are working with enthusiasm on their paintings. However, nobody can actually tell what Inuyasha’s is. There are a few green splotches and a couple of yellow streaks. Kouga’s, however is quite good – the best out of the cast. His picture contains frolicking zebras and happy polar bears.
“Kouga that’s fantastic!” Kagome cries. “Um, Inuyasha that’s very…interesting…”
“Do you see…do you see?” Inuyasha says eagerly. “It’s a giraffe!”
“Mmm…of course!” Kagome says. “And that’s a…neck?”
Kagome points to a thick yellow blur.
“No..no…it’s a tree!” he says. “Can’t you see the leaves?”
“Aren’t they just green dots on the gorillas?” Kikyou interrupts.
“No! And it’s a llama!” Inuyasha says stubbornly.
Our favorite hanyou is covered from head to food in paint smears, where he has wiped his hands; he uses them instead of a paintbrush.
“Um…Inuyasha…didn’t you just tell me it was a giraffe?”
3.00
At the other end of the room are Naraku and Sesshoumaru, both painting away happily. Naraku sneaks a look at Sesshomaru’s art.
“Oh my, fluff-muggy that’s just exquisite! Just divine! The way that you’ve positioned the animals next to the Hugo Boss poster, and added the Christian Dior billboards in the background is just so perfect! I would never have thought of that!”
“Of course you wouldn’t have, my Nari-wai!” Sesshoumaru says smugly. “Yours is also very unique.”
Naraku seems to have drawn the heads of all his children onto the bodies of kangaroos, and placed a thick iron cage around them.
“Yeth. It’s very unique, isn’t it?” Naraku says, beaming. “I really thought that drawing kangaroos in a zoo was very original!”
“But Nari-splat-fump, how come you drew the heads of your children on them?”
“What?” Naraku says, surprised. “But my Fluffy-wugle-gugle, I didn’t!”
3.30 pm
Sango and Miroku are very busy on their paintings, Sango is drawing birds while Miroku is drawing the zoo cafeteria.
“Are you sure that you can paint that, houshi-sama?” Sango queries. “I mean, it’s not as if it’s a major part of the zoo.”
“I think it is.” Miroku replies. “Without the cafeteria, the visitors would get hungry – thirsty! And they need to be refreshed, and wash off horrible little things left behind by your little critters!”
He points an accusing finger at Sango’s bird painting.
“You’re still bitter about that, aren’t you houshi-sama.” Sango says, washing out her paintbrush.
“Well, you would be too you know” he says, flicking her nose affectionately. Unfortunately the gesture doesn’t come off that well when it results in the seal on his hand unwinding, and his vortex being exposed.
“Turn it off!” Sango yells, grabbing onto the closest thing – Kikyou. (‘get your hands off me you little…’)
Paint, paintbrushes and all sorts of things are flying into Miroku’s hand before he has a chance to seal it again.
“Eh…sorry about that. Oh dear!”
His air pressure has caused a few pots of paint to hit the canvas, splattering different colors all over it.
“Miroku!” Sesshoumaru says tearfully. “How could you!”
“I guess…I’m sorry!” Miroku says.
“You guess!” Kouga yells. “You mean you’re unsure!”
“Calm down guys!” Kagome says. “Accidents happen. The only thing we can do now, is to try and fix it up.”
The cast set to work, trying to cover up the splodges, or disguise them somehow.
4.00 pm
“Right! Times up!” Big Buttocks booms.
The cast look up, startled.
“But…”Kagome begins.
“I have an announcement to make!” Big Buttocks tells them. “Your wonderful painting which we have called ‘Creatures from Outer Space” has been sold with the profit donated to charity!”
“Creatures from…” Sesshoumaru chokes.
“Outer Space…” Naraku finishes.
“Can’t you tell that’s it’s a zo-“ Inuyasha begins.
“Osuwari!” Kagome yells. “Thank you Big Buttocks. I’m glad you like it. I take it we passed the task?”
“Yes you have!” he booms. “And by the way, I never said I liked it. Over and out”.
4.30 pm
Sango finishes putting the last of the paints away and Kagome dries the last paintbrush. Miroku is putting away the vacuum cleaner, and Naraku has gone to start cooking dinner.
There is a peaceful aura surrounding the house now that the stressful task is over and even Kikyou is relaxing in a chair, reading “Ode to the Dead – Survival in the Post Office”.
The painting has since been taken away by the Big Buttocks crew, who have also replaced the unsafe diving board.
Sighing, Kagome replaces the paintbrushes, and goes outside to join Inuyasha and Kouga, who are having a daisy-chain competition.
Inuyasha appears to be winning, as his claws are sharp enough to cut perfect slits in the stems.
“Hah!” Inuyasha jumps up brandishing the finished chain in Kougas face. “I win!”
“Stoopid dog turd.” Kouga mumbles.
Inuyasha suddenly notices Kagome, and blushes.
“He challenged me. It wasn’t like I would do this normally or nothing.” He says grumpily. “Here. You can have it.”
Inuyasha tosses the daisy chain into Kagomes lap, and walks inside.
“Awww…he’s just embarrassed” Miroku laughs.
5.00 pm
The whole cast, excluding Naraku, are relaxing on the porch, sipping lemon squashes (with a chicken twist) provided by Naraku.
“Look!” Kagome exclaims. “The first star!”
“Beautiful!”
“Stunning!”
“Magnificent!”
“As good as blood!”
“Lovely!”
“It’s an airplane, you know.”
5.30 pm
“Aaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrgggghhhhhhhhhhh!”
Inuyasha jumps off his tree, and storms over to the rest of the cast.
“Who was in the garden!” he yells. “Who?”
Sango and Miroku raise their hands.
“You…you…read…my...” he begins, but stops. The entire cast look at him, listening. Even Naraku sticks his head out the kitchen window.
“You know…my…nothing”.
Inuyasha sits down in defeat.
“*ahem*
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
The girl I like
Wears…” Miroku starts to say, but is cut off as Inuyasha throws a heavy jug on his head.
“Shut up!”
6.00 pm
“Delicious, Naraku!”
“Yeah, this is really good!”
“What is it?”
The cast are sitting around the table, enjoying Naraku’s dinner.
“Honey Chicken with rose and Christmas tree!”
Miroku chokes, and spits out a furry angel.
“Kagome, how come you’re not eating anything?” Inuyasha asks, concerned.
“I’m just fine.”
“Guess what we’re having for dinner tomorrow?” Naraku says excitedly. “The Easter bunny!”
6.30 pm
The cast help to clean up, their stomachs still rather empty.
“Honestly. Christmas tree. Easter bunny. Soon we’ll be eating Santa himself.” Miroku says grumpily.
Inuyasha wears a funny look, and stacks the dishes away.
“My god!” Big Buttocks announces suddenly, making the speakers whine. “I forgot to announce our evictee this week!”
“Oh no!” Cries Sango, “I completely forgot!”
“It was really a tough one this week,” Big Buttocks announces. “A lot of passionate fans have expressed their wishes for certain members of the cast to stay in and out of the house... and we’re sure that at least half of them will be terribly upset by this result. However... the time had to come for somebody and I announce that... our evictee this week is Kouga!”
Kouga races in from outside. “Did I miss something?”
Kagome breaks the news. “Kouga... you’ve just been evicted!”
“Yay!” He cries, then- “But that means I’ll leave you behind, woh-man!”
“Yes... it does, I suppose...” Kagome says, and Inuyasha stands behind her with crossed arms, looking smug.
Kouga grabs Kagome’s hands. “Why not come with me, woh-man! Leave all this scum behind!”
“Um...” Kagome catches herself genuinely contemplating leaving behind the scum (namely the toaster and it’s cronies) before saying “No... I’ve got to keep going here, Kouga... but I anticipated your leaving so I made you a pair of leg warmers!” She offers him some of her own socks which have been cut into leg warmer shape.
The Big Buttocks events organizers propose another trip outside, this time to a clothes shop, on the grounds that Kagome seems to have a bad habit of making presents out of her own garments for lack of other materials, and is quickly running out of things to wear.
“Aw... geez, thanks woh-man...” Kouga says, touched.
“Now off you go,” Kagome says, giving him a peck on the cheek (being careful to avoid the acne) and feeling a touch wistful as the overgrown wolf prances out of the house, crying “Bye, woh-man!”
7.30 pm
The cast sit quietly on the couches, with only the occasional “I saw this coming months ago...” from Miroku. Inuyasha sits grumpily on the couch picking small stones out of his feet. Sango restlessly shifts from side to side on her armchair. Finally, she jumps up, and throws the pillow off.
“I swear, there’s something underneath!” she says irritably.
And so there is. A plate of steamed dim sims and a portable Bangladesh dictionary.
“Ah! This was Kougas!” Kagome exclaims hurrying over to seize the objects. She holds them with a sad half smile on her face.
“Bah!” Inuyasha grumbles, and stalks over. Seizing the plate of dim sims, he downs the contents all at once.
7.35 pm
“Blaaaeeeerrghh!”
Inuyasha clutches his stomach, which is growling- literally.
“What was in those??!”
Naraku walks by nonchalantly. “I believe Kouga was intending to keep them as pets- those dim sims bonded to him earlier in the kitchen today... I think they were quite attracted to him! The spring rolls gave their consent for them to leave the fridge unaccompanied.”
Inuyasha looks quite ill and Kagome resolves to become a vegetarian.
8.30 pm
The cast have gone to bed early after a day that could only be described as surreal; Kagome feels that the number of ‘sane’ people in the house has decreased, and she and Sango have chosen to sleep in adjacent beds for comfort.
10.00 pm
Strange sounds are heard emanating from somewhere outside the Big Buttocks house...
“Lettme back in! I forgot to say goodbye to my bubbuses! Lemme iiiiiiiiiiin!”
8.00 am
Sango and Kagome wake up in silly moods after their night of partying. They are spotted in their nighties on camera 3D waking early to partake in an activity they seem to enjoy- playing the ‘baby face game’. Last night, for some reason unbeknownst to viewers, the cast decided to merge all their beds into one big trampoline, which makes playing this game especially easy. Sango and Kagome sneak around the bedroom and carefully pull back the sheets of various cast members in order to look at their ‘baby’ faces while they’re sleeping.
“Miroku now!” Sango whispers in a giggle and they both bound over and pull back his blanket to reveal Miroku deep in sleep.
“Awwwwwwwwww!”
The girls say, peering into his ‘sleeping baby face’, with his lips slightly open and hair everywhere. “So sweeeet! You’d never guess he was a pervert,” Sango says. “Quick, quick, take a photo!”
Kagome takes a snap.
“Now Inuyasha!” Kagome cries, and they skip over to Inuyasha who has fallen off the bed onto the floor.
They pull back his blanket and look at his sleeping face.
“Awwwwwwwwwww! Baaaaby! Isn’t he cute?”
The girls gush. Inuyasha makes a little sleepy-growly-baby noise as he dreams of talking walnuts, and the girls have to bite on their fists to stop themselves from screaming at the cuteness.
“Shall we look at Kouga?” Kagome says, and Sango nods. They walk over to a fruit box Kouga has shoved himself into and pull back his sheets.
“Awwwwwwwwwwww! He’s sucking his thumb! Adorable!”
“And he wears his leg warmers to bed! Sweetie!”
“Shall we do Sesshoumaru?”
“Yeah, he rarely sleeps so this is a perfect opportunity!”
The girls tiptoe over to Sesshoumaru’s patch and pull back the velvet face cover he wears so nobody sees him sleeping.
“Awww- eerhrhhhh!”
Sesshoumaru has dribbled in his sleep, and his lips are now stuck to the pillow. He looks like an entirely different person- his makeup has all been taken off, and he has a cold as well and seems to have shoved a tissue up his nose to prevent mucus from coming out. His hair is all plastered together and he cuddles a mangy soft toy something. Sango and Kagome are horrified, and slowly back away from the bed.
“My god...”
“Well, at least now we know why it takes him 5 hours in the bathroom...”
“Must take at least 1 to scrub off all that dribble!”
Sango stifles a laugh, and Kagome has recovered enough to make a suggestion; “Let’s look at Kikyou!”
Sango looks horrified. “Noooo!”
“Yes, lets! And we’ll take a photo!”
Sango giggles. “Shall we?” She whispers.
“Yes, shall we?”
“Let’s go!”
“You first!”
Giggling, Kagome and Sango tiptoe over to a Kikyou-shaped lump and pull back the covers to reveal a skeleton.
8.05 am
“EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
8.07 am
“Oh my god, she finally died!” Sango exclaims. “Brilliant!”
“You’re not serious!” Kagome cries.
“What are we going to do? People will think we killed her!”
“Oh no!” Kagome says and hurriedly replaces the sheet.
“Quick, let’s go,” Sango says, and they turn around to find themselves face to face with a floating Kikyou.
“Oh ho ho,” She says snidely. “Thought you’d topped me, did you? Well, as soon as I saw you playing the baby face game with my sweetheart, I thought I’d better protect myself. You’ll NEVER get a photo of me sleeping, you know why? Because I NEVER SLEEP! The hours of the night are the hours of the dead, bet you didn’t know that, did you? Oh no, the gates of hel- hey, where are you going? Listen to me! Wait up! Don’t leave me here!”
8.10 am
The male members of the cast emerge from the bedroom bleary eyed and tousle-haired, and even more spaced out than usual. Kagome and Sango are in bright spirits and greet them cheerfully.
8.30 am
After a nourishing breakfast, bathroom 2 has been taken over by Sesshoumaru and his daily routine, and the rest of the cast are enjoying a leisurely chitchat on the couches.
“Come on Kouga!” Kagome encourages. “Tell us! We told you ours!”
“No. It’s…embarrassing”.
“Puhlese?”
“Well…”
The cast leans in eagerly.
“I really want to be reincarnated as…a butterfly”.
“A butterfly!” Inuyasha snorts. “Whayddaya want that for?”
Kouga turns red.
“Well, it’s better than yours llama-boy!” he snarls.
“Well... at least llamas are dignified!”
“Calm down…it’s ok” Kagome says. “Everyone’s entitled to their own opinion! A butterfly is quite lovely, Kouga!”
“Hmmmph.”
Kikyou suddenly floats down from the ceiling, and lands in front of Kagome.
“Well, I still say that I got the worst reincarnation. God, imagine being incarnated as this! Do you know how hard it is to move this sack of clay and bones?”
Inuyasha jumps to his feet, all eyes upon him. His face is determined, and he walks right up to Kikyou. Then, right past Kikyou.
“I’m going to the loo.” He says, going out the back door.
“Uh, Inuyasha..” Kagome says quietly. “We discussed this before…right?”
“Er, yeah...”
Face red, Inuyasha comes inside, and heads towards bathroom 1.
9.10 am
Bored with the endless chitchat, the cast search for something else to do.
“Doesn’t this worry you though?” Miroku says. “I mean, Big Buttocks hasn’t asked us to actually do anything yet…shouldn’t we just await further instructions?”
“Maybe he’s letting us have a day off? Maybe he’s being nice!” Kagome says in shock.
“Mmm. Maybe.”
Kouga sighs femininely. “Such a nice day!”
“Kouga. Don’t sigh like that. It’s unmanly.” Inuyasha says.
“I agree with Kouga,” Miroku says, and changes the subject. “Why don’t we use this nice day to take a swim? I’d love to see Lady Kagome and Lady Sango in their bathe- getting some exercise.”
“Actually, I haven’t been swimming for ages!” Kagome agrees. “That’s a good idea, Miroku. Who’s coming?”
9.20 am
Changed and ready, the cast heads down to the pool. Keeping a straight face at Inuyasha’s chosen form of swim wear, Kagome asks him if he is planning to swim – after all, he hasn’t before.
“Well, duh Kagome,” Inuyasha replies, adjusting the straps on his wetsuit and inflating his floaties.
“But wouldn’t something like this be better?” Kagome asks, holding up a pair of board shorts.
“…No, why?”
9.30 am
On the other side of the pool, Miroku and Sango are enjoying an intelligent conversation, when a disturbing sight catches Sango’s attention.
“Wha..wha…what…what are you doing in my ‘ki ki the one legged pelican’ bathers, Naraku?!” she yells.
Naraku looks quite a sight in a pair of double frilled pink bathers, with a triple lace swimming cap.
“And that’s my ‘po po the dung beetle’ swimming cap you- nothing.” Miroku says as Sango gives him a funny look.
Narakus bottom lip begins to quiver.
“So…so..so what if I forgot my bathers..” he wails. “I didn’t think you’d mind”
“Didn’t…think..” Sango mutters. “What is wrong with him…”
“You’re…you’re… so MEAN!” Naraku yells, and sobbing, runs to the other side of the pool, shredding tissues in his wake.
9.45 am
“AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGHHH!”
The cast looks up to see Kouga stumbling away from the diving board. It appears that he has brained himself on the metal edge, while attempting to perform a triple somersault. Allowing himself too much room resulted in him somersaulting onto the actual board.
“AAAA…MY HEAD!!!”
Kagome rushes over to Kouga, sitting him down against a tree.
“Are you ok?” she asks. “Let me see…”
Inuyasha watches grumpily as Kagome treats Kouga’s wound.
“Oh, Inu-dear. Would you like to swim with me?”
Inuyasha looks up to see Kikyou in a stunning set of black bathers.
“Uh..uh..ok…”
9.55 am
Most of the cast are now in the swimming pool, and even Kouga is splashing around.
Inuyasha bobs up and down in his floaties, holding tightly to Kikyous hand, coughing and spluttering as he does his best to stay afloat.
“Inuyasha,” Miroku says. “I thought you could swim.”
“I can!” Inuyasha snaps defensively. “I just can’t float.”
“Isn’t that…”
“….the same thing?” Sango and Miroku agree.
Suddenly Sesshoumaru walks towards them. His beauty session is now over, and bathroom 2 is free again.
“Excuthe me. Big Buttocks wants you all.” He says importantly. ‘You’d betther all go dry off.”
The cast scramble to get out of the pool, and get dressed.
10.00 am
The cast sit around impatiently in the living room, awaiting their instructions.
“Good Morning!” Big Buttocks booms.
“Morning.” Comes the grumpy reply.
“Just when I thought we might get a day off” Miroku whispers to Sango.
“I heard that!” Big Buttocks says. “Now your task for today.”
“What is it, Big Butthocks?” Naraku asks eagerly.
“Heh heh. That’s for me to know and you to find out!” Big Buttocks booms.
“For him to know…” Kagome wonders.
“…And us to find out.” Sango says.
“Then that must mean…that we have to find out what our task is!” Miroku says.
“It must be around the house somewhere!” Kouga agrees.
“Ok. The eathieset way to figure this out ith to make groupth.” Sesshoumaru says.
“Yeth.” Naraku says.
“Well then. Sango and I will look outside for clues.” Miroku says.
“Yes,” Says Sango. “Why don’t Naraku and Sesshoumaru look in the bedroom...”
“I’ll take Inuyasha into the bathrooms,” Kikyou hisses, leaving Kagome with Kouga to search in the kitchen.
“Is that settled?” Miroku asks.
“Uh..” Big Buttocks interrupts.
“Okay, so everyone go to your designated areas and start looking for clues!” Miroku orders. “Good luck!”
“Right!” The cast choruses.
“Uh…wait…” Big Buttocks starts as the cast leave the room. “Oh, never mind.”
10.15 am
Kouga and Kagome begin their search in the kitchen. Neither of them has had much experience here, as it tends to be Narakus domain.
“Eeehh…” Kagome grimaces as she picks her way through some dark green substance. “Where are we meant to begin looking?”
“Ummm…what exactly are we looking for, wohman?”
Kagome stops looking through the tomato chocolate fondu from three nights ago and smiles at Kouga.
“Well, something that helps us to know what our task is. For example, a bit of writing on some paper saying ‘go to bathroom 3 to find your task’, or some other bit of writing saying ‘your task is…’ or maybe a cake in the shape of Germany with instructions on it for German folk dancing. You get the picture?”
“Like this one?” Kouga asks holding up a cake in the shape of Antartica with instructions of building an igloo.
“Ah, no. Naraku just ordered that in a catalogue.”
10.30 am
Outside in the garden Miroku and Sango begin their search. The garden is fairly big and they decide to work from one side to the other.
“Hey houshi-sama!” Sango calls from the top of one tree. “There’s a note up here, but I think it’s just another one of Inuyasha poetry pieces. This is his tree after all.”
“I don’t know. Read it out,” Miroku calls back.
“Sure. *ahem*.
Both have black hair.
One has evil stare.
One has loose socks.
I like pork chops.”
“Yep, I’d say that that’s Inuyasha’s poetry!”
10.45 am
Sesshoumaru and Naraku are having a ball, roaming through everyone’s stuff.
“Ooh, Fluffy, look at this!” Naraku exclaims holding up a pair of sexy black knickers. “I wonder who owns these!”
Sesshoumaru turns a little pink.
“I thought we agreed to go through our own shtuff, by ourshelves.” He snaps.
“Oh. Oh! I’m sorry!” Naraku mumbles pushing the underwear away.
“Ah! Now this ishn’t mine!” Sesshoumaru exclaims holding up a red g-string. “Is it yours?”
“No! How could you, my Fluff-bum? I’m not a size 10! I’m size 8! I’m soooo upshet!” Naraku cries.
“I’m sorry, my snokle pie.” Sesshoumaru soothes. “I’ll give you a skin cleanser makeover to apologize.”
11.30 am
Kagome and Kouga are not having much luck in the kitchen, having looked through the pantry, and under the sink encountering all sorts of strange things in the process.
“Kouga, don’t you think that it’s strange that we haven’t seen any food yet?” Kagome queries.
“Our…master….where is he….tell us…now”
“Hmm…Kouga…did you just say something?” Kagome asks absent mindedly.
“Where is he…where is he…where is Naraku?”
“Kouga?” Kagome asks.
She turns around. Kouga is staring transfixed at the fridge, which appears to be rocking back and forth.
“It…it…” Kouga stutters. He looks terrified. “The fridge…it…it..spoke!”
“Non...nonsense!” says Kagome, much more confidently than she feels.
Suddenly the fridge bursts open, showering the two with all sorts of strange… food?
Kagome looks up to see a creature standing over her, which looks something like artichoke cheesecake.
“Tell us where our master is…why are you here? Where is our master, Naraku?” it rumbles.
“I…I…don’t know!” Kagome cries. “Kouga…Kouga!”
Kouga is flat of his back, being held down by strawberry-pork pasties and orange-cucumber club sandwiches. All she can see are his eyes, which are filled with terror.
“AAAaaaaaaaaaaaa!”
12.00 pm
Sango and Miroku are having a very interesting time. It seems that Inuyasha has been storing his poetry in different trees, and some are quite amusing.
“Hey…hey listen to this one!” Miroku says.
“Ok, but you gotta hear this one, houshi-sama!” Sango smiles.
“Sure. *ahem*
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
The girl that I like,
Wears a sailor-fuku.”
“This one is so much bette- what! The girl that he likes…”
“…wears a sailor-fuku!” Miroku continues. “And I doubt Kikyou has ever worn a sailor-fuku in her life.”
“Well, you gotta hear this one!” Sango says.
“*ahem*
Big Buttocks is a turd,
My brother is absurd.
Kagome is kind of sweet,
Miroku has nice feet,
Naraku is just weird,
Shippou went and grew a beard.
Kouga is really hairy,
Kikyou is really scary.
Sango’s gone round the bend,
And this is the end.”
“I have nice feet?” Miroku says, amused.
“Well, it’s partially true. The poem, that is.” Sango says. “And you have got nice feet.”
1.00 pm
“Alright! Back off now! I’m armed!” Kagome threatens. She has been backed into a corner by a pair of evil broccoli-shortbread fritters and has resorted to arming herself with…a fork.
“Do you want to join my breakfast?” Kagome asks menacingly.
“Bwahahahaha! You wouldn’t dare eat us!” say the fritters, advancing further.
“You’re right! I wouldn’t! Aaaaa!”
Kagome drops the fork and falls to her knees, trembling.
“Get her boys!” yells the microwave.
“Yeah!” agrees the toaster.
“Show her pain!” screams the blender.
“Why are all these appliances talking?!” Kagome yells. “Right that’s it! I’ve had enough! I’m sick of being intimidated by date-abalone puddings!”
“But you know!” cackles the asparagus pie. “Dates are best at intimidate-ing. They’re also very good at dating! Bwahahahah!”
Grabbing another fork, Kagome prepares herself, and with a yell launches herself at a broccoli-shortbread fritter and shreds it. And another. And another.
“It’s no good!” she puffs. “There’s just too many!”
1.30
“Oi! Houshi-sama! I’ve found another poem, but no clues.” Sango calls, from the very last tree.
“Well, lets hear it!” Miroku says.
“Ok.
*ahem*
Today
Bright
Sunny
A day to live
I like pork chops”
“He’s very disturbed isn’t he.” Says Miroku as Sango hops out of the tree.
“Yes.”
“Hey Sango. How come you always say *ahem* at the beginning of the poem?”
“Hm? Oh, I don’t! He writes it! See?” Sango laughs, showing Miroku the poem.
“Oh…hey, I found another poem. You want to hear?”
“Yeah…”
“Ok.
*ahem*
Since I first met her,
I could tell that she were different from the rest.
There was something in her eyes, in her posture, in the way she composed herself.
She was definitely different.
I knew then,
That I would be with her forever.”
“He…he wrote that!” Sango exclaims, shocked.
“No…Sango. I wrote that!” Miroku says, looking deep into her eyes.
“Oh! Houshi-sama…I…I…I”
“Shit!”
“Huh? Houshi-sama?”
“A bloody bird shat on my head!” Miroku says grumpily.
“Eewwww. That’s disgusting! Go and wash it off!” Sango says, turning around. “I’ll keep looking here.”
“Damn.”
Miroku heads off inside, hand to head covering the sticky mess.
1.40 pm
Kagome is just about ready to cry. The appliances have also ganged up on her, and there seems no escape. She drops her forks.
“I…I surrend-
“Freddie-goo! Mark-poo! Helga! What are you all doing!” a voice suddenly cuts her off.
Naraku walks in, hands on hips.
“How could you! I’m very dishappointed in all of you!” he says.
Like magic, the appliances all backtrack to their spots, and the fritters and food slowly make their way back to the fridge. Kouga sits up, coughing and spluttering.
Naraku kneels beside him.
“I’m so sorry! I should have told them that they would have unexpecthed visitors!” Naraku says.
Kagome sinks to the floor, relieved.
“How about some lunch!” Naraku asks cheerfully.
1.50 pm
The cast sit around the table, eating lunch. Everyone has gathered together to take a break while searching.
“Anyone had any luck?” Sango asks, through a mouthful of food.
The cast shake their heads in unison.
“Nothing.” Sesshoumaru says dejectedly. “But someone owns a sexthy red g-sthring”.
There’s an outburst of coughing from Inuyasha on the other side of the table, as he chokes.
“I thought you didn’t buy it!” Kikyou says angrily to Kagome.
“I didn’t!” Kagome says defensively.
“Eh?” Inuyasha returns to the table. “Kagome, how come you’re not eating anything?”
“Not hungry.”
“Have some of my broccoli-shortbread fritter?” he says generously
“Or date-abalone pudding?” he adds, surprised by her flinch.
“Aarrgh. It’s hopeless” Sango says, frustrated. “Big Buttocks, please just tell us what the task is!”
“Of course.” Big Buttocks booms.
“What?”
“Well, I was only kidding when I said that, and you all disappeared and I didn’t know what to do. So I just let be. All you had to do was ask!” Big Buttocks explains.
“Aaarghhhhh! Why didn’t you say so from the beginning!” Miroku roars.
“Settle, petal! You were all so into it, I decided to let you be!” Big Buttocks says.
Miroku looks deflated.
“So do you want to know what your task is?” Big Buttocks asks.
“Yeah. Fire away.” Kagome says.
“Could I have a volunteer to come to the bedroom?”
“I’ll go.”
Sango walks over to the bedroom, and walks inside.
“Bring out the package.”
Sango comes out struggling with a massive, flat parcel.
“Who’s job was it to search the bedroom” Miroku says dangerously.
Sesshoumaru and Naraku giggle nervously.
“Open the parcel.”
Sango does, and it reveals a huge canvas, quite a few meters in length. It also holds some art materials such as paints.
“Rightio. Your job is to paint a mural of some sort – it can be anything.” Big Buttocks says.
“Paint!” Inuyasha says panicking.
“That’s ok…isn’t it?” says Kagome. “I mean, it’s not too hard.”
“I’m not done yet!” Big Buttocks booms. “You must all contribute in the painting and the decision making. But.”
“But?”
“But your can’t talk to each other. You must communicate another way.”
“Another way?”
“Your time begins…now!”
The cast look around at each other.
Suddenly Sesshoumaru jumps up and rolls around on the floor making grunting noises.
“No youkai language!” Big Buttocks roars. “And no writing either!”
2.00 pm
The cast are now seated on and around the couches, trying to decide on a theme. The atmosphere is not a happy one. Sesshoumaru and Naraku are sprawled out on the floor, plaiting each others hair.
Suddenly Kagome stands up. She puts an arm up to her face and stretches it out. Then she bends over double and sways the arm from side to side. Inuyasha’s eyes open slightly, and he also stands up. He puffs his hair up and winds it around his neck. Then he spreads himself over the edge of the couch and starts roaring.
“Ah!”
Sango joins them, by going on all fours and throwing Naraku’s zebra skin jacket over herself.
One by one, the cast members join the strange activity, except for Sesshoumaru.
“I don’t get it. AH! Wait”
Sesshoumaru stands up, flapping his arms up and down vigorously.
“Right! You’ve all decided, you can start talking and painting.” Big Buttocks interrupts.
Kagome smiles.
“I’m so happy! I didn’t think that anyone could tell that I meant a zoo!”
“Zoo? I was being an airplane!”
“Airplane? I thought you were a forklift!”
“Oh dear. I was being a farmer.”
“Ehhh. Well, lets just draw a zoo anyway!” Kagome says cheerfully.
2.20 pm
The cast have started painting and each person has about a 30cm times 60cm rectangle to fill out. Kagome has started to draw an elephant enclosure, and next to her Kikyou is working on an enclosure titled ‘Animals from hell’. It includes three gorillas with iguana heads, and two sheep with the legs of a seagull.
Kikyou looks at Kagome’s work.
“That’s an elephant?!?! It looks more like a vegetable!” she laughs.
“Well…at least I can draw a normal animal.” Kagome says.
“Hm.”
Kagome turns to wash out her paintbrush, and when she returns to her elephant to discover that it has sprouted antennae and red stripes.
“Aah! Oh no!”
Kagome looks at her ruined work with disappointment.
“That’s horrible Kikyou!”
“Too bad!” Kikyou scolds.
“If you see the bloody mess.
You will die, but it’s for the best.
Has no one told you you can’t draw?
You- in fact- are one big flaw!
Bwahahahahahaha!”
Kagome looks really hurt, and turns away.
“Oi! Kikyou! Leave her alone!” Inuyasha yells.
All eyes turn to Inuyasha.
“Please.” He adds.
“Ooohh! He defends her, doesn’t he Fluffy-poo!” Naraku giggles.
“And he watches her when she’s asleep, doesn’t he Narakuuu!”
“And he-
“That’s enough!” growls Inuyasha.
“Oooohh!” Naraku and Sesshoumaru giggle.
2.30 pm
Both Kouga and Inuyasha are working with enthusiasm on their paintings. However, nobody can actually tell what Inuyasha’s is. There are a few green splotches and a couple of yellow streaks. Kouga’s, however is quite good – the best out of the cast. His picture contains frolicking zebras and happy polar bears.
“Kouga that’s fantastic!” Kagome cries. “Um, Inuyasha that’s very…interesting…”
“Do you see…do you see?” Inuyasha says eagerly. “It’s a giraffe!”
“Mmm…of course!” Kagome says. “And that’s a…neck?”
Kagome points to a thick yellow blur.
“No..no…it’s a tree!” he says. “Can’t you see the leaves?”
“Aren’t they just green dots on the gorillas?” Kikyou interrupts.
“No! And it’s a llama!” Inuyasha says stubbornly.
Our favorite hanyou is covered from head to food in paint smears, where he has wiped his hands; he uses them instead of a paintbrush.
“Um…Inuyasha…didn’t you just tell me it was a giraffe?”
3.00
At the other end of the room are Naraku and Sesshoumaru, both painting away happily. Naraku sneaks a look at Sesshomaru’s art.
“Oh my, fluff-muggy that’s just exquisite! Just divine! The way that you’ve positioned the animals next to the Hugo Boss poster, and added the Christian Dior billboards in the background is just so perfect! I would never have thought of that!”
“Of course you wouldn’t have, my Nari-wai!” Sesshoumaru says smugly. “Yours is also very unique.”
Naraku seems to have drawn the heads of all his children onto the bodies of kangaroos, and placed a thick iron cage around them.
“Yeth. It’s very unique, isn’t it?” Naraku says, beaming. “I really thought that drawing kangaroos in a zoo was very original!”
“But Nari-splat-fump, how come you drew the heads of your children on them?”
“What?” Naraku says, surprised. “But my Fluffy-wugle-gugle, I didn’t!”
3.30 pm
Sango and Miroku are very busy on their paintings, Sango is drawing birds while Miroku is drawing the zoo cafeteria.
“Are you sure that you can paint that, houshi-sama?” Sango queries. “I mean, it’s not as if it’s a major part of the zoo.”
“I think it is.” Miroku replies. “Without the cafeteria, the visitors would get hungry – thirsty! And they need to be refreshed, and wash off horrible little things left behind by your little critters!”
He points an accusing finger at Sango’s bird painting.
“You’re still bitter about that, aren’t you houshi-sama.” Sango says, washing out her paintbrush.
“Well, you would be too you know” he says, flicking her nose affectionately. Unfortunately the gesture doesn’t come off that well when it results in the seal on his hand unwinding, and his vortex being exposed.
“Turn it off!” Sango yells, grabbing onto the closest thing – Kikyou. (‘get your hands off me you little…’)
Paint, paintbrushes and all sorts of things are flying into Miroku’s hand before he has a chance to seal it again.
“Eh…sorry about that. Oh dear!”
His air pressure has caused a few pots of paint to hit the canvas, splattering different colors all over it.
“Miroku!” Sesshoumaru says tearfully. “How could you!”
“I guess…I’m sorry!” Miroku says.
“You guess!” Kouga yells. “You mean you’re unsure!”
“Calm down guys!” Kagome says. “Accidents happen. The only thing we can do now, is to try and fix it up.”
The cast set to work, trying to cover up the splodges, or disguise them somehow.
4.00 pm
“Right! Times up!” Big Buttocks booms.
The cast look up, startled.
“But…”Kagome begins.
“I have an announcement to make!” Big Buttocks tells them. “Your wonderful painting which we have called ‘Creatures from Outer Space” has been sold with the profit donated to charity!”
“Creatures from…” Sesshoumaru chokes.
“Outer Space…” Naraku finishes.
“Can’t you tell that’s it’s a zo-“ Inuyasha begins.
“Osuwari!” Kagome yells. “Thank you Big Buttocks. I’m glad you like it. I take it we passed the task?”
“Yes you have!” he booms. “And by the way, I never said I liked it. Over and out”.
4.30 pm
Sango finishes putting the last of the paints away and Kagome dries the last paintbrush. Miroku is putting away the vacuum cleaner, and Naraku has gone to start cooking dinner.
There is a peaceful aura surrounding the house now that the stressful task is over and even Kikyou is relaxing in a chair, reading “Ode to the Dead – Survival in the Post Office”.
The painting has since been taken away by the Big Buttocks crew, who have also replaced the unsafe diving board.
Sighing, Kagome replaces the paintbrushes, and goes outside to join Inuyasha and Kouga, who are having a daisy-chain competition.
Inuyasha appears to be winning, as his claws are sharp enough to cut perfect slits in the stems.
“Hah!” Inuyasha jumps up brandishing the finished chain in Kougas face. “I win!”
“Stoopid dog turd.” Kouga mumbles.
Inuyasha suddenly notices Kagome, and blushes.
“He challenged me. It wasn’t like I would do this normally or nothing.” He says grumpily. “Here. You can have it.”
Inuyasha tosses the daisy chain into Kagomes lap, and walks inside.
“Awww…he’s just embarrassed” Miroku laughs.
5.00 pm
The whole cast, excluding Naraku, are relaxing on the porch, sipping lemon squashes (with a chicken twist) provided by Naraku.
“Look!” Kagome exclaims. “The first star!”
“Beautiful!”
“Stunning!”
“Magnificent!”
“As good as blood!”
“Lovely!”
“It’s an airplane, you know.”
5.30 pm
“Aaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrgggghhhhhhhhhhh!”
Inuyasha jumps off his tree, and storms over to the rest of the cast.
“Who was in the garden!” he yells. “Who?”
Sango and Miroku raise their hands.
“You…you…read…my...” he begins, but stops. The entire cast look at him, listening. Even Naraku sticks his head out the kitchen window.
“You know…my…nothing”.
Inuyasha sits down in defeat.
“*ahem*
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
The girl I like
Wears…” Miroku starts to say, but is cut off as Inuyasha throws a heavy jug on his head.
“Shut up!”
6.00 pm
“Delicious, Naraku!”
“Yeah, this is really good!”
“What is it?”
The cast are sitting around the table, enjoying Naraku’s dinner.
“Honey Chicken with rose and Christmas tree!”
Miroku chokes, and spits out a furry angel.
“Kagome, how come you’re not eating anything?” Inuyasha asks, concerned.
“I’m just fine.”
“Guess what we’re having for dinner tomorrow?” Naraku says excitedly. “The Easter bunny!”
6.30 pm
The cast help to clean up, their stomachs still rather empty.
“Honestly. Christmas tree. Easter bunny. Soon we’ll be eating Santa himself.” Miroku says grumpily.
Inuyasha wears a funny look, and stacks the dishes away.
“My god!” Big Buttocks announces suddenly, making the speakers whine. “I forgot to announce our evictee this week!”
“Oh no!” Cries Sango, “I completely forgot!”
“It was really a tough one this week,” Big Buttocks announces. “A lot of passionate fans have expressed their wishes for certain members of the cast to stay in and out of the house... and we’re sure that at least half of them will be terribly upset by this result. However... the time had to come for somebody and I announce that... our evictee this week is Kouga!”
Kouga races in from outside. “Did I miss something?”
Kagome breaks the news. “Kouga... you’ve just been evicted!”
“Yay!” He cries, then- “But that means I’ll leave you behind, woh-man!”
“Yes... it does, I suppose...” Kagome says, and Inuyasha stands behind her with crossed arms, looking smug.
Kouga grabs Kagome’s hands. “Why not come with me, woh-man! Leave all this scum behind!”
“Um...” Kagome catches herself genuinely contemplating leaving behind the scum (namely the toaster and it’s cronies) before saying “No... I’ve got to keep going here, Kouga... but I anticipated your leaving so I made you a pair of leg warmers!” She offers him some of her own socks which have been cut into leg warmer shape.
The Big Buttocks events organizers propose another trip outside, this time to a clothes shop, on the grounds that Kagome seems to have a bad habit of making presents out of her own garments for lack of other materials, and is quickly running out of things to wear.
“Aw... geez, thanks woh-man...” Kouga says, touched.
“Now off you go,” Kagome says, giving him a peck on the cheek (being careful to avoid the acne) and feeling a touch wistful as the overgrown wolf prances out of the house, crying “Bye, woh-man!”
7.30 pm
The cast sit quietly on the couches, with only the occasional “I saw this coming months ago...” from Miroku. Inuyasha sits grumpily on the couch picking small stones out of his feet. Sango restlessly shifts from side to side on her armchair. Finally, she jumps up, and throws the pillow off.
“I swear, there’s something underneath!” she says irritably.
And so there is. A plate of steamed dim sims and a portable Bangladesh dictionary.
“Ah! This was Kougas!” Kagome exclaims hurrying over to seize the objects. She holds them with a sad half smile on her face.
“Bah!” Inuyasha grumbles, and stalks over. Seizing the plate of dim sims, he downs the contents all at once.
7.35 pm
“Blaaaeeeerrghh!”
Inuyasha clutches his stomach, which is growling- literally.
“What was in those??!”
Naraku walks by nonchalantly. “I believe Kouga was intending to keep them as pets- those dim sims bonded to him earlier in the kitchen today... I think they were quite attracted to him! The spring rolls gave their consent for them to leave the fridge unaccompanied.”
Inuyasha looks quite ill and Kagome resolves to become a vegetarian.
8.30 pm
The cast have gone to bed early after a day that could only be described as surreal; Kagome feels that the number of ‘sane’ people in the house has decreased, and she and Sango have chosen to sleep in adjacent beds for comfort.
10.00 pm
Strange sounds are heard emanating from somewhere outside the Big Buttocks house...
“Lettme back in! I forgot to say goodbye to my bubbuses! Lemme iiiiiiiiiiin!”
-
RussianFox
- Cannon
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- Joined: Fri Jan 30, 2004 5:55 am
- Location: Sengoku Jidai Era
Thursday
1.00 am
“Psst!! Psssst! Kagome!”
Kagome finds herself awakened by a Big Buttocks emergency messenger and immediately starts to panic-
“What’s wrong? Wazzup? Whashappened?!?!” She cries blurry-eyed.
“Sshhh!” Cries the messenger, and assures her that nobody has died, nor has she been muttering ‘sit’ in her sleep again; she has an emergency letter from the Japanese Education Authorities.
1.02 am
“Whaaaaaaaaaaaat??????”
1.04 am
“NOOOOOOOOOooooo!!!”
7.00 am
The cast wake relatively early to find a haggard Kagome, still in her nightclothes, sitting at the table surrounded by a pile of paperwork as high as Sesshoumaru’s tassel-adorned thigh.
“What’s wrong, Lady Kagome?” Miroku asks kindly, and is met with a harsh “Don’t talk to me!”
The cast regard her in worried silence.
Kagome sits at the table and mutters to herself. Then she bites on her pen. She mutters some more. Then she ties her hair up in a bun and pushes the pen through it so she looks like a Japanese geisha. Then she puts some more pens in her hair, along with a ruler and a stapler. Then she mutters something about “molecular dipole interactions” and “Stalin”. She moves the books on her desk around in a different order. Finally she gets out of the chair to walk towards the kitchen, and comes back with a marshmallow, cup of orange juice and a piece of toast covered in cinnamon and sugar. As soon as she has eaten them, she sits frozen for a minute, kicks herself, screams abuse at the pens which she pulls out of her hair and begins the whole process again.
Naraku looks at his book- “How to understand humans in the 21st century- a guide to their weird behavior” (kindly supplied by Big Buttocks) and comes to one conclusion- “Hey human filly, are you doing what they call…stu-dy-ing?”
Kagome wheels around in her chair, considers screaming at Naraku and opts instead to burst into a flood of tears.
“I can’t do-o-o i-i-t… !” She wails. “I don’t understa-a-and!”
“Dipole interactions?” Inuyasha asks. “Isn’t that where molecules attract as induced by the dipole formed of electronegativity differences between covalently bonded atoms? Just a hunch,” He says.
Everyone stares.
“Uh…I mean, um, yeah, Feh!”
8.00 am
Kagome is explaining to the cast the reason for her strange behavior.
“And then apparently the education authorities said that just because I’m on a rating TV show I’m not exempt from doing the important school examinations! And they want me to do them today!” Kagome’s bottom lip begins to tremble, Inuyasha’s left eyelid begins to twitch and Naraku’s extra sensitive special kettle boiling sensor finger begins to emit whistling noises. “Tea’s ready!”
“The problem is that because I’ve been worrying and looking after all of you so much is that I haven’t had time to study!” Kagome starts to cry again.
“Ah…Kagome sama…don’t worry!” Miroku soothes. “When I had my first monk exam I didn’t study at all and I came out just fine!”
“Really?”
Kagome looks up from a bunch of tissues.
“Yes. I copied everything off the monk next to me.”
“But aren’t those tests based on enlightenment and experience and stuff?”
“Mm…well the head priest did think it weird that we both suffered from an allergy to poppy seeds.”
“Er…what exactly is your definition of ‘enlightenment’?” Sango whispers.
Miroku declines to answer; a strange gleam in his eyes.
“Thank you, Miroku!” Kagome smiles through tears; she appears to be slightly more cheerful.
“Did you actually pass?” Sango asks.
“Er…no.” Miroku whispers.
“Didn’t you say you came out fine?” she demands.
“I was fine,” Miroku says. “I spent my time pondering…enlightenment. Holistically of course. The personal gain was worth it. We are meant to derive our own meanings about life after all. It’s just they thought mine was a little…unorthodox.”
“So what is the meaning of life?” Asks Sango.
Trying desperately hard not to utter “chasing girls,” Miroku eventually spouts forth with “Freedom, beauty, truth and love!”
“And absinthe,” Sesshoumaru mutters. “Don’t forget that.”
“And babies!” Naraku cries from the kitchen.
“What about suffering, work, torture and pain?” Kagome cries, sounding an awful lot like Kikyou. “I hate studying!”
Inuyasha pipes up. “Look, Kagome, you don’t have to worry about looking after us, you know.”
“Yeah!” Sango exclaims. “We’ll take care of ourselves… It’ll be okay!”
Inuyasha gracefully stands to leave, and uses handy tip number 5.) 1.) out of Sesshoumaru’s “How to be a Perfect Bishounen and Knock Girls’ Socks Off” manual. Unfortunately the effect of his mellow parting line “Let me take care of you instead…” is lessened rather as the cast witness him exit the room followed by a length of toilet paper caught on the back of his pants.
8.30 am
The cast are being considerately quiet so that Kagome can study. The house atmosphere feels like a museum, complete with a mean-looking curator in the form of Inuyasha who has taken it upon himself to body-guard Kagome studying.
His extra-sensitive hearing means that every five minutes there is a brusque “Who goes there??!” as a timid house member tiptoes by to get some breakfast.
When Inuyasha demands Miroku to “Say the password!” as he tries to nip past for a leak, Kagome snaps.
“Can’t a girl study in peace around here??! You don’t seem to understand that these are finals! Important exams!”
She advances towards Inuyasha who backs away.
“Lenin… calculus…molecules…magical realism…do I even CARE? All I ever wanted to be was a concert pianist, but nooo, my fingers weren’t long enough! How will knowing the area of a circle ever help me when I’m forty with kids? They’ll probably have dog-ears, too! It’s a bloody pointless WASTE OF TIME!”
Adding “Sit!” almost as an afterthought, Kagome runs off towards the garden in a flurry of angry tears.
Naraku walks past. “Why will they have dog ears?” He ponders.
8.40 am
“Goooood morning! This is Big Buttocks!”
Unfazed by the mornings events, Big Buttocks greets all with a jolly tone that makes Sesshoumaru think Big Buttocks is never watching anyone.
8.50 am
“I’ve got your task for today!” Big Buttocks says with an air of pomposity.
“At the end of the day, I’ll be quizzing you on your general knowledge! I’ll be picking one area of study- science, or art, or history…the person who answers the most questions correctly will be allowed to spend the night indoors- all the losers will have to sleep outside! Remember the weather forecast for today- blizzards and snowstorms!”
“That’s only because you’re using the snow machine!” Sango cries, and BB snorts.
“Yes, well, fake snow is twice as cold!” He says menacingly, and Sango thinks that if she could see his eyes, they would be glinting like Naraku’s grapefruit knife.
“I’ve given you a stack of books so you can study all day. Have fun! I’ll test you at 5.00 pm. Over and out.”
The cast turn towards the table, where piles of books on every subject are spilling onto the floor.
Kagome comes back in from the garden, spies the books, cries “It’s too much! It’s too much!” and resumes her extravagant crying. Inuyasha looks sympathetic and Naraku looks over the moon.
“Oh goodie!” He cries. “I do love books so much. I do love curling up in a chair with some iced tea, a parasol and a good yarn! Oh yes, I do indeed!” He skips off towards the kitchen (presumably to prepare iced tea with just a touch of garlic) and Inuyasha glimpses a yellow and pink petticoat underneath all the layers of his kimono.
9.00 am
The cast decided to split into smaller groups to study, “After all, grouping with each other would help us to learn more, from both the books, and also the knowledge gained from our own personal experiences.” Inuyasha mumbles, soundly surprisingly mature. Unfortunately, his mumbling tone causes many of the cast members to mishear, and his mature and thoughtful sentence to come out as something rather more perverse.
“Learn from groping!” Sesshoumaru says thoughtfully. “My dear little brother, what a fascinating idea!”
Inuyasha stares blankly as Sesshoumaru launches into rapid speech about publishing a series of books together (“How about ‘Gropework: The study of the CHAOS theory (Curvy Heavenly Arse Obviously Sesshoumaru’s), and even trying to decide travel plans to give lectures around the world, (“…and of course we’d have to go to the Bahamas, I have a generous friend there, you remember Alistair don’t you? He took you out on lovely outings when you were little!”
Inuyasha snaps out of his dazed state at the mention of ‘Alistair’
“Outings?! FEH! Let’s see…skydiving without a parachute, bungee jumping without a cord, and water-skiing with no skis, no speedboat, but just two shoeboxes strapped to my feet and a canoe!” he snaps.
“Yes, but wasn’t it fun!” Sesshoumaru exclaims.
“Fun my steely buttocks,” Inuyasha grunts, and tries to immerse himself in “Deadly beasts of the Amazon” by Laustan Arm.
Miroku looks up from “The amazing acoustics of wobble boards” by Rolf Harris. “What is the point of all this? Like Big Buttocks is going to ask how many Australian animals are present in the song “Tie me Kangaroo down, sport”.
“Exactly!” Kagome says, and slams her books down, while Inuyasha mutters “12”.
“If you don’t feel like studying, don’t study!” Kagome cries, waving her pencil in the air. “You shouldn’t cram if you don’t give a damn!! It’s 99% inspiration and 1% respiration! And Shakespeare was really a woman!”
Naraku looks up with a gleam of interest, but he is soon distracted by Sesshoumaru and the book ‘How many giblets can you eat!’.
The two of them grab a pile of books, and head of in the direction of the broom cupboard.
9.30 am
Most of the cast are quietly studying, and the only noise is distant giggling from the broom cupboard.
Inuyasha breaks the silence.
“Kagome, I think this info would be useful. There’s a high probability that there would be a few geographical questions in the quiz, and perhaps-“
“Inuyasha, can you smell that?” Kagome says, crinkling up her nose. “Do you think Naraku’s left the meat out to ‘mature’ again?”
Inuyasha turns a brilliant shade of red. “Don’t…don’t you like it?” he mumbles.
“It’s…” Kagome sniffs again. “It’s coming off you!”
“Um…gotta go!”
Inuyasha stands up abruptly, knocking ‘Law and order’ by Sue Ingyou.
9.45 am
Inuyasha sits in the bathroom, holding a small bottle of Olay (Odour -Lovingly Alluring for Youkai) Total Effects deodorant. Unfortunately the finer print reads ‘Totally effective for getting rid of those human girls that just want to ooogle your canoodle!’. Replacing the bottle, he reaches for a small tube, reading “Hidden Beauty”. Inuyasha once again fails to notice the finer print which reads “Bright and Funky Lipstick!”
9.50 am
Naraku peers through the keyhole. “Your brother is copying your style again, Love-muff,” He says.
Sesshoumaru is absorbed in his reading. “Just let him, Poof-cakes, otherwise he’ll never learn.”
11.00 am
The cast sit around, studying in utter silence. Sango flips through Hard Chemistry by Ima Nelement and Miroku sits absorbed with Easy Parenting by Will U. Havmechild. Kagome is the only one not doing anything, sitting by the television happily munching marshmallows and plaiting her hair with a spoon. Inuyasha looks uncomfortably at her.
“Shouldn’t you be studying? Your tests are today!” He reminds her.
“Nah, don’t worry! I’ve got plenty of time.”
“Yeah, all of two hours,” Sango reminds her pointedly.
Kagome turns around, looking lethal with a marshmallow hanging out of her mouth.
“You got a problem with that?” she snarls, and returns to the TV, now showing re-runs of ‘The Adults only – Naked Chef meets Nigella’.
Inuyasha puts down his book (Religious Experiences by Faith Fulforever).
“But…Kagome, you have to do well! I…understand how you must be feeling. You have to look forward to the bright rainbow of life and stop to smell the hoses”.
Miroku waggles his eyebrows towards Sango over the top of his book (‘Facts you never knew existed’ by Imade Itup).
“Sango, did you know that 87% of women find priests attractive?” he says slyly. Sango puts down her own book (More facts – by Imade Itup).
“Miroku, did you know that 89% of female statistics are filled out by men pretending to be women?” she asks innocently.
“RIGHT! THAT’S IT!” Kagome suddenly interrupts, obviously unimpressed by Inuyasha’s latest comment, and storms outside, grabbing three mustard and strawberry milkshakes on her way.
1.00 pm
Inuyasha potters around the garden, eating various weeds, searching for Kagome. He steps over a few unrecognizable vegetables scattered randomly around the garden.
“Stupid Kagome” he grumbles. “I was only trying to help”.
He kicks a malformed purple cucumber/broccoli (Naraku- “It’s a Brobumber!”) and sits down to sulk.
Kagome sits down next to him, holding a watering can rather sadly.
“I’m never going to pass, am I?” She sobs miserably. “What’s the point?
Inuyasha looks concerned. “All you need is some inspiration,” He says.
“But from where?” She cries.
A determined look comes into Inuyasha’s golden eyes as he tries to think. Suddenly it hits him. “Wait here!” He cries…
1.10 pm
…and returns with Naraku under his arm.
“Now Naraku!” He bellows, adopting the stance of a politician as he interrogates Naraku in front of Kagome.
“Did you pass your final college exams?” He roars. *
“No…” Naraku says. “The glue wouldn’t stick. All the little bits of paper kept falling off.”
“My point exactly! Did you try to get into a university?” Inuyasha cries.
“Yes…” Naraku says. “But they wouldn’t accept me…said I was underqualified- I hadn’t even passed my college exams, a failure. They also couldn’t work out whether I was male or female.”
“So what did you do after that?” Inuyasha bellows in a final crescendo.
“I applied to twinkle tots playgroup school, and they hired me as a teacup cleaner. But that didn’t dissuade me! I worked hard and eventually made my way to become the dishwasher emptier…and now look at me! I’m an evil prince in a castle with successful children, preparing to gain qualifications to open my own restaurant!”
“Now Kagome!” Inuyasha drops his voice to a dramatic growl and says, “Do you want to turn out like Naraku did? Do you?”
2.00 pm
An inspired Kagome has been hard at work, while Inuyasha has taken it as his personal job to stand guard over to room that Kagome is studying in, preventing anyone from coming in, or out.
Their living room now taken away from them, the cast lay flopped about in the passageways, surrounded by books and magazines.
Sango sighs, and tosses ‘Money by I. Needit’ over her shoulder.
“It’s hopeless.” She says. “How are we even supposed to know what the quiz is even on?”
Sango rolls onto her back and stares up at the ceiling.
“Hey…houshi…”
“Yeah?”
“We’ve been in this house for so long…but it hasn’t been too bad has it…”
“Yeah.”
“Remember when Naraku served that mammoth and hairy caterpillar pie and Kouga was so scared that he threw the table in the air and it all ended up on the ceiling?”
“Oh yeah! I remember!” Miroku says, as he also flops onto his back.
“Well, it’s mutated into a entire civilization of grubs which are waltzing next to the light fitting…”.
2:10 pm
It would appear it is a case of too little, too late and the Jedi (Japanese Education Directory Initiative) have come in with Kagome’s exam papers. They sit her down at a table with only a paper and pencil, tell her she has two hours and leave again. They also leave her with a stern looking guard in the form of a white-haired school prefect named Yukito, who accepts Naraku’s offer of a toasty spam bun, and then falls into a deep sleep.
2.15 pm
Kagome has leafed through all of her papers, and enters super panic mode. “HELP!” She screams. “I can’t do this! Who was the fourth King of England? What is a kinetic energy curve? What on earth is the past participle conditional tense of the direct object pronoun??”
Feeling extreme pity, the cast desperately want to help. Taking one peek at Yukito (who is snoring) the cast tiptoe up to Kagome and each take a paper.
“I can do this!” Sango whispers excitedly. “I just read about it in Economics for dummies!”
“Yeah!” Miroku whispers. “All this arithmetic I just studied for tonight’s quiz!”
“Japanese history…” Inuyasha murmurs, looking at his paper. “I know all these people personally!”
All the cast take a paper, except for Kikyou who sits in the most comfortable seat of the living room chomping on prawn crackers and leafing through the latest magazine to enter the house (The Teletubbies meet Jamie Oliver!, a Womens Weekly special with special martial arts section).
Editors note – It is a legal requirement that any literature entering the BB house must suit the tastes of all cast members. As the show runs on such a tight budget, only one magazine per week is permitted. C’est la vie…
2.30 pm
The cast are working through the exam at a rapid rate, and somehow even Naraku is able to fill out an exam sheet (Home ec. and Food Safety).
“Done!” Sango exclaims placing the Agricultural and Farming exam down.
“Me too!” Kagome says, adding the Plumbing and Sewerage exam to the growing pile.
The rest of the cast also place down their exams and breathe a sigh of relief.
Suddenly, Yukito makes a stirring noise, and the cast flee the living room.
“Ah! Sorry to fall asleep!” Yukito says, as Kagome pretends not to have noticed.
“It’s ok!” she smiles. “I was just finishing”.
“That was quick!” Yukito exclaims, flicking through the papers. “Under 15 minutes! If I hadn’t been on guard I’d say that you’d had your teachers in here doing it for you! Ha ha ha…”
Kagome laughs nervously, as Yukito bids his farewells and leaves the house.
The cast (bar Kikyou) collapse from the relief of stress, exhaustion and a particularly nasty fart emanating from Naraku’s direction.
4.00 pm
“Hello Hello! This is Big Buttocks and hello to you all! Yes, that’s right! Your time is up chumpkins! It’s time for todays task- your general knowledge quiz! Who will be able to sleep inside tonight while the rest of you freeze your botties off in the cold, cold night?”
“Eh? But today was 35°, with blue skies!” Sango says.
“Well, did you really think we’d let you off that easy?” Big Buttocks chuckles. “Of course we got special handmade snow, frost, rain and hail directly from ‘Freiza’s Cold Mushy Squishy Weather Snow Which Also Tastes Nice With Mustard.’
The cast look out the window to see a snowy hurricane complete with cows, Father Christmas and singing Dutch girls roaring outside.
“But we’re exhausted!” Sesshoumaru squeals. “If I hold a pencil for more than 10 minutes I get a severe thrombosis condition!”
“Sssh!” Inuyasha kicks his brother, lest Big Buttocks discovers Kagome’s exam was cheated.
“Ooh yesss,” Kikyou snarls, “Don’t want to be discovered, do you?”
BB chooses to ignore the conversation. “Right. Well, if you’d all like to take a seat.”
The cast sit themselves down unhappily at the tiny exam tables, and Miroku taps Sango on the shoulder.
“Good luck!” he whispers.
“Okey Dokey!” Big Buttocks booms cheerfully. “Question 1. How many Australian animals are present in the song “Tie me Kangaroo down, sport”?”
4.30 pm
“…And that ties up the Japanese history section!” BB booms. “And Kikyou seems to be leading with a score of 20034, and Inuyasha is coming in second with a score of –287, while the rest of you…”
“I didn’t realise it was possible to have double negative scores” Miroku grumbles, looking unhapplily at his score.
“What’s wrong with you all?” Big Buttocks says. “You all look so distracted. Naraku! Pay attention!”
Naraku turns away from trying to chat up camera no. 09, slightly pink.
“He told me that one of his contacts could get me a job with gherkin modelling!” he whispers excitedly to Sesshoumaru.
“The next part of general knowledge is based on botany and media.” Big Buttocks booms. “Right. Question 1. How many flowers does Po pick off the Teletubbies set in episode 97?”
5.00 pm
“…and the final question…” Big Buttocks booms. “What is my shoe size?”
The cast flop over in exhaustion as the test finishes.
“Congratulations!” Big Buttocks booms. “You all get a ‘Participated but just didn’t make it’ certificate! We’ll be counting up all your results, and we’ll tell you the winner at 6.00. Bye bye, poochies!”
With that, Big Buttocks signs off.
The cast look around with glum faces, except for Kikyou who looks positively exuberant.
“Aaah!” Kagome jumps from her seat and points out the window. “Look! The pool’s frozen over! It’s like a huge ice-skating rink!”
The cast follow her line of sight to the pool, where the Technical crew have conveniently rigged up fairy lights and ice skates (although the cyclone is still at full force).
“Naraku!” Sesshoumaru squeals. “Are you thinking what I’m thinking! Figure skating! Naraku?”
Naraku has cuddled himself up next to camera no. 09, and is patting the top of the lens fondly.
“I’m sorry Sess. I just haven’t got time for you anymore. Frederick and I are planning my future career and I’m afraid there’s just no room for you among the gherkins.”
5.30 pm
The cast sit bored, waiting for the results to the quiz to be called.
“Hey Sango,” Kikyou hisses snidely. “I know your secret!”
“No you don’t,” Sango says. “Only my doctor knows and he’s retired in New Orleans.”
Defeated, Kikyou tries again.
“Hey wench,” Kikyou says to Kagome. “I know your secret!”
“Bugger off,” Growls Kagome in a post-exam stupor, and once again Kikyou concedes defeat, moving on to a more obvious target.
“Hey Naraku,” Kikyou whispers, and works up a nice red glowing effect in her eyes, “I know your secret!!”
Naraku bursts into tears. “I really can’t help it! So what if I can move a few objects? That custard wasn’t meant to fall on anybody!!”
“Y…you’re telekinetic?” Sesshoumaru whispers reverently.
“O..of course,” Naraku replies. “Ever since I was little. I just don’t do it round here because I don’t want to freak anyone out!”
“Like he hasn’t done it any other way,” Sango mutters.
“Y…you’re telekinetic and you never told me?” Sesshoumaru exclaims. “F..first you’re attracted to a camera and then you’re telekinetic…think of all the things we could have done! Fun we could have had!” Sesshoumaru bursts into tears as well, as do the rest of the cast when Big Buttocks announces that Kikyou is the winner of the quiz, and that they all have to sleep outside in the freezing cold.
6.30 pm
The cast are set up outside, with sleeping bags and tents. The door is locked automatically, and everyone is outside for the night (excluding Kikyou). Just to taunt the cast, Kikyou prepares herself warm, hot food from the oven and eats it slowly and deliberately, in full view through the window.
“Stupid wench,” Inuyasha growls in a display of complete non-chivalry, then adds… “Bloody Naraku” to this statement as his attention turns to Naraku and his brother who seem to be using Naraku’s ‘new found’ telekinetic power to drop pot plants down the back of certain peoples pants.
“Right!” Kagome says, as she inspects the tents. “There are two tents here. One for girls, one for boys.”
“Eh? But there are only two girls!” Miroku complains.
“Tough.” Says Sango. “C’mon, Kagome. Lets set up our tent.”
The two girls head off to find a secluded part of the garden.
7.00 pm
With Sango and Kagome gone, the men are left to their own devices. A great deal of noise is coming from the girls side of the garden, and judging by the amount of self congratulation it would appear that Sango and Kagome have managed to set up their tent at last.
“God dammit!” Inuyasha slams down the tent packet in frustration. “Why do they have to make it so hard!”
“Inuyasha! Try using the other zip!” Miroku says.
Inuyasha grabs a nearby pot plant and bangs it down hard on the zip.
“Well!” Kagome and Sango have come over to look at the boys progress.
“Ah! My two favorite ladies!” says Miroku. “Do you think you could open the tent packet for us? We’re having an awful amount of trouble.”
8.00 pm
A lot of arguments and yelling later, the boys tent is finally up. Sesshoumaru calls Kagome a ‘hairless furry modern midget” and Kagome sulks inside the girls tent.
Kikyou is having a great time indoors, and has started trying on a collection of everybody’s clothes, deliberately parading back and forth in front of the windows.
Sesshoumaru bursts into a flood of tears. “She’s….she’s wearing my Figaro Giori pink camel hair bloomers!”
8.30 pm
Naraku has started up a campfire, and is warbling an endless version of “The Quartermasters Store”.
“Will someone shut him up!” Inuyasha growls as Naraku enters his 72nd verse (‘There was Sess, Sess, who had something to confess, in the sto-re, in the sto-re’…)
Sango looks down in embarrassment as her stomach makes a loud growl.
“So what food have we got out here anyway?” She asks.
“None,” Kagome says wistfully, watching as Kikyou takes handfuls of marshmallows and smooshes them onto the windows.
“My eyes are dim I cannot see…” Naraku warbles, and shuts up quickly when informed that if he doesn’t be quiet he’ll ‘stay blind like that for eter-ni-ty….”
9.00 pm
The cast have retired to their tents, finding the outdoors too cold and putting aside their dignity in order to snuggle up for warmth.
“Actually, I’m kind of glad Kikyou won…” Sango remarks to Kagome, “Imagine having to share a tent with her all night!”
“I suppose it could be worse…” Kagome grumbles, pushing Naraku’s multiple feet away from her head; Naraku having been allocated to the girls tent due to overcrowding in the boys.
“Yeah…” Sango says, pulling her blanket over her head. “I wonder how the boys are doing. Anyway, goodnight.”
11.40 pm
“KRGGACH-HACK-HACK!!”
“Um, Kagome?” Sango says sleepily. “Are you ok? That was a nasty cough.”
“T’wasn’t me…” Kagome mumbles. “Must‘ve been Naraku…”
“But it wasn’t!” Naraku says indignantly.
Sango sits bolt upright, and snaps on a torch. Sesshoumaru, Inuyasha and Miroku sit squashed into the corner of the tent.
“What the!?” Sango yells. “Out all of you! Get out!”
“Umr…we can’t.” Inuyasha mumbles quietly.
‘Why not?” Sango demands.
“Someone farted in our tent.” Miroku says.
“You wimps!” Sango growls. “I can’t believe it! How can you be so weak! It’ll eventually stop smelling! Now get back!”
“Uh…Sango? You don’t get it. Our tent disintegrated.”
11.59 pm
Nasty sounds are heard from the bathroom- apparently even dead spirits can get indigestion.
*get it? Collage? College? Naraku seems to have misinterpreted…
1.00 am
“Psst!! Psssst! Kagome!”
Kagome finds herself awakened by a Big Buttocks emergency messenger and immediately starts to panic-
“What’s wrong? Wazzup? Whashappened?!?!” She cries blurry-eyed.
“Sshhh!” Cries the messenger, and assures her that nobody has died, nor has she been muttering ‘sit’ in her sleep again; she has an emergency letter from the Japanese Education Authorities.
1.02 am
“Whaaaaaaaaaaaat??????”
1.04 am
“NOOOOOOOOOooooo!!!”
7.00 am
The cast wake relatively early to find a haggard Kagome, still in her nightclothes, sitting at the table surrounded by a pile of paperwork as high as Sesshoumaru’s tassel-adorned thigh.
“What’s wrong, Lady Kagome?” Miroku asks kindly, and is met with a harsh “Don’t talk to me!”
The cast regard her in worried silence.
Kagome sits at the table and mutters to herself. Then she bites on her pen. She mutters some more. Then she ties her hair up in a bun and pushes the pen through it so she looks like a Japanese geisha. Then she puts some more pens in her hair, along with a ruler and a stapler. Then she mutters something about “molecular dipole interactions” and “Stalin”. She moves the books on her desk around in a different order. Finally she gets out of the chair to walk towards the kitchen, and comes back with a marshmallow, cup of orange juice and a piece of toast covered in cinnamon and sugar. As soon as she has eaten them, she sits frozen for a minute, kicks herself, screams abuse at the pens which she pulls out of her hair and begins the whole process again.
Naraku looks at his book- “How to understand humans in the 21st century- a guide to their weird behavior” (kindly supplied by Big Buttocks) and comes to one conclusion- “Hey human filly, are you doing what they call…stu-dy-ing?”
Kagome wheels around in her chair, considers screaming at Naraku and opts instead to burst into a flood of tears.
“I can’t do-o-o i-i-t… !” She wails. “I don’t understa-a-and!”
“Dipole interactions?” Inuyasha asks. “Isn’t that where molecules attract as induced by the dipole formed of electronegativity differences between covalently bonded atoms? Just a hunch,” He says.
Everyone stares.
“Uh…I mean, um, yeah, Feh!”
8.00 am
Kagome is explaining to the cast the reason for her strange behavior.
“And then apparently the education authorities said that just because I’m on a rating TV show I’m not exempt from doing the important school examinations! And they want me to do them today!” Kagome’s bottom lip begins to tremble, Inuyasha’s left eyelid begins to twitch and Naraku’s extra sensitive special kettle boiling sensor finger begins to emit whistling noises. “Tea’s ready!”
“The problem is that because I’ve been worrying and looking after all of you so much is that I haven’t had time to study!” Kagome starts to cry again.
“Ah…Kagome sama…don’t worry!” Miroku soothes. “When I had my first monk exam I didn’t study at all and I came out just fine!”
“Really?”
Kagome looks up from a bunch of tissues.
“Yes. I copied everything off the monk next to me.”
“But aren’t those tests based on enlightenment and experience and stuff?”
“Mm…well the head priest did think it weird that we both suffered from an allergy to poppy seeds.”
“Er…what exactly is your definition of ‘enlightenment’?” Sango whispers.
Miroku declines to answer; a strange gleam in his eyes.
“Thank you, Miroku!” Kagome smiles through tears; she appears to be slightly more cheerful.
“Did you actually pass?” Sango asks.
“Er…no.” Miroku whispers.
“Didn’t you say you came out fine?” she demands.
“I was fine,” Miroku says. “I spent my time pondering…enlightenment. Holistically of course. The personal gain was worth it. We are meant to derive our own meanings about life after all. It’s just they thought mine was a little…unorthodox.”
“So what is the meaning of life?” Asks Sango.
Trying desperately hard not to utter “chasing girls,” Miroku eventually spouts forth with “Freedom, beauty, truth and love!”
“And absinthe,” Sesshoumaru mutters. “Don’t forget that.”
“And babies!” Naraku cries from the kitchen.
“What about suffering, work, torture and pain?” Kagome cries, sounding an awful lot like Kikyou. “I hate studying!”
Inuyasha pipes up. “Look, Kagome, you don’t have to worry about looking after us, you know.”
“Yeah!” Sango exclaims. “We’ll take care of ourselves… It’ll be okay!”
Inuyasha gracefully stands to leave, and uses handy tip number 5.) 1.) out of Sesshoumaru’s “How to be a Perfect Bishounen and Knock Girls’ Socks Off” manual. Unfortunately the effect of his mellow parting line “Let me take care of you instead…” is lessened rather as the cast witness him exit the room followed by a length of toilet paper caught on the back of his pants.
8.30 am
The cast are being considerately quiet so that Kagome can study. The house atmosphere feels like a museum, complete with a mean-looking curator in the form of Inuyasha who has taken it upon himself to body-guard Kagome studying.
His extra-sensitive hearing means that every five minutes there is a brusque “Who goes there??!” as a timid house member tiptoes by to get some breakfast.
When Inuyasha demands Miroku to “Say the password!” as he tries to nip past for a leak, Kagome snaps.
“Can’t a girl study in peace around here??! You don’t seem to understand that these are finals! Important exams!”
She advances towards Inuyasha who backs away.
“Lenin… calculus…molecules…magical realism…do I even CARE? All I ever wanted to be was a concert pianist, but nooo, my fingers weren’t long enough! How will knowing the area of a circle ever help me when I’m forty with kids? They’ll probably have dog-ears, too! It’s a bloody pointless WASTE OF TIME!”
Adding “Sit!” almost as an afterthought, Kagome runs off towards the garden in a flurry of angry tears.
Naraku walks past. “Why will they have dog ears?” He ponders.
8.40 am
“Goooood morning! This is Big Buttocks!”
Unfazed by the mornings events, Big Buttocks greets all with a jolly tone that makes Sesshoumaru think Big Buttocks is never watching anyone.
8.50 am
“I’ve got your task for today!” Big Buttocks says with an air of pomposity.
“At the end of the day, I’ll be quizzing you on your general knowledge! I’ll be picking one area of study- science, or art, or history…the person who answers the most questions correctly will be allowed to spend the night indoors- all the losers will have to sleep outside! Remember the weather forecast for today- blizzards and snowstorms!”
“That’s only because you’re using the snow machine!” Sango cries, and BB snorts.
“Yes, well, fake snow is twice as cold!” He says menacingly, and Sango thinks that if she could see his eyes, they would be glinting like Naraku’s grapefruit knife.
“I’ve given you a stack of books so you can study all day. Have fun! I’ll test you at 5.00 pm. Over and out.”
The cast turn towards the table, where piles of books on every subject are spilling onto the floor.
Kagome comes back in from the garden, spies the books, cries “It’s too much! It’s too much!” and resumes her extravagant crying. Inuyasha looks sympathetic and Naraku looks over the moon.
“Oh goodie!” He cries. “I do love books so much. I do love curling up in a chair with some iced tea, a parasol and a good yarn! Oh yes, I do indeed!” He skips off towards the kitchen (presumably to prepare iced tea with just a touch of garlic) and Inuyasha glimpses a yellow and pink petticoat underneath all the layers of his kimono.
9.00 am
The cast decided to split into smaller groups to study, “After all, grouping with each other would help us to learn more, from both the books, and also the knowledge gained from our own personal experiences.” Inuyasha mumbles, soundly surprisingly mature. Unfortunately, his mumbling tone causes many of the cast members to mishear, and his mature and thoughtful sentence to come out as something rather more perverse.
“Learn from groping!” Sesshoumaru says thoughtfully. “My dear little brother, what a fascinating idea!”
Inuyasha stares blankly as Sesshoumaru launches into rapid speech about publishing a series of books together (“How about ‘Gropework: The study of the CHAOS theory (Curvy Heavenly Arse Obviously Sesshoumaru’s), and even trying to decide travel plans to give lectures around the world, (“…and of course we’d have to go to the Bahamas, I have a generous friend there, you remember Alistair don’t you? He took you out on lovely outings when you were little!”
Inuyasha snaps out of his dazed state at the mention of ‘Alistair’
“Outings?! FEH! Let’s see…skydiving without a parachute, bungee jumping without a cord, and water-skiing with no skis, no speedboat, but just two shoeboxes strapped to my feet and a canoe!” he snaps.
“Yes, but wasn’t it fun!” Sesshoumaru exclaims.
“Fun my steely buttocks,” Inuyasha grunts, and tries to immerse himself in “Deadly beasts of the Amazon” by Laustan Arm.
Miroku looks up from “The amazing acoustics of wobble boards” by Rolf Harris. “What is the point of all this? Like Big Buttocks is going to ask how many Australian animals are present in the song “Tie me Kangaroo down, sport”.
“Exactly!” Kagome says, and slams her books down, while Inuyasha mutters “12”.
“If you don’t feel like studying, don’t study!” Kagome cries, waving her pencil in the air. “You shouldn’t cram if you don’t give a damn!! It’s 99% inspiration and 1% respiration! And Shakespeare was really a woman!”
Naraku looks up with a gleam of interest, but he is soon distracted by Sesshoumaru and the book ‘How many giblets can you eat!’.
The two of them grab a pile of books, and head of in the direction of the broom cupboard.
9.30 am
Most of the cast are quietly studying, and the only noise is distant giggling from the broom cupboard.
Inuyasha breaks the silence.
“Kagome, I think this info would be useful. There’s a high probability that there would be a few geographical questions in the quiz, and perhaps-“
“Inuyasha, can you smell that?” Kagome says, crinkling up her nose. “Do you think Naraku’s left the meat out to ‘mature’ again?”
Inuyasha turns a brilliant shade of red. “Don’t…don’t you like it?” he mumbles.
“It’s…” Kagome sniffs again. “It’s coming off you!”
“Um…gotta go!”
Inuyasha stands up abruptly, knocking ‘Law and order’ by Sue Ingyou.
9.45 am
Inuyasha sits in the bathroom, holding a small bottle of Olay (Odour -Lovingly Alluring for Youkai) Total Effects deodorant. Unfortunately the finer print reads ‘Totally effective for getting rid of those human girls that just want to ooogle your canoodle!’. Replacing the bottle, he reaches for a small tube, reading “Hidden Beauty”. Inuyasha once again fails to notice the finer print which reads “Bright and Funky Lipstick!”
9.50 am
Naraku peers through the keyhole. “Your brother is copying your style again, Love-muff,” He says.
Sesshoumaru is absorbed in his reading. “Just let him, Poof-cakes, otherwise he’ll never learn.”
11.00 am
The cast sit around, studying in utter silence. Sango flips through Hard Chemistry by Ima Nelement and Miroku sits absorbed with Easy Parenting by Will U. Havmechild. Kagome is the only one not doing anything, sitting by the television happily munching marshmallows and plaiting her hair with a spoon. Inuyasha looks uncomfortably at her.
“Shouldn’t you be studying? Your tests are today!” He reminds her.
“Nah, don’t worry! I’ve got plenty of time.”
“Yeah, all of two hours,” Sango reminds her pointedly.
Kagome turns around, looking lethal with a marshmallow hanging out of her mouth.
“You got a problem with that?” she snarls, and returns to the TV, now showing re-runs of ‘The Adults only – Naked Chef meets Nigella’.
Inuyasha puts down his book (Religious Experiences by Faith Fulforever).
“But…Kagome, you have to do well! I…understand how you must be feeling. You have to look forward to the bright rainbow of life and stop to smell the hoses”.
Miroku waggles his eyebrows towards Sango over the top of his book (‘Facts you never knew existed’ by Imade Itup).
“Sango, did you know that 87% of women find priests attractive?” he says slyly. Sango puts down her own book (More facts – by Imade Itup).
“Miroku, did you know that 89% of female statistics are filled out by men pretending to be women?” she asks innocently.
“RIGHT! THAT’S IT!” Kagome suddenly interrupts, obviously unimpressed by Inuyasha’s latest comment, and storms outside, grabbing three mustard and strawberry milkshakes on her way.
1.00 pm
Inuyasha potters around the garden, eating various weeds, searching for Kagome. He steps over a few unrecognizable vegetables scattered randomly around the garden.
“Stupid Kagome” he grumbles. “I was only trying to help”.
He kicks a malformed purple cucumber/broccoli (Naraku- “It’s a Brobumber!”) and sits down to sulk.
Kagome sits down next to him, holding a watering can rather sadly.
“I’m never going to pass, am I?” She sobs miserably. “What’s the point?
Inuyasha looks concerned. “All you need is some inspiration,” He says.
“But from where?” She cries.
A determined look comes into Inuyasha’s golden eyes as he tries to think. Suddenly it hits him. “Wait here!” He cries…
1.10 pm
…and returns with Naraku under his arm.
“Now Naraku!” He bellows, adopting the stance of a politician as he interrogates Naraku in front of Kagome.
“Did you pass your final college exams?” He roars. *
“No…” Naraku says. “The glue wouldn’t stick. All the little bits of paper kept falling off.”
“My point exactly! Did you try to get into a university?” Inuyasha cries.
“Yes…” Naraku says. “But they wouldn’t accept me…said I was underqualified- I hadn’t even passed my college exams, a failure. They also couldn’t work out whether I was male or female.”
“So what did you do after that?” Inuyasha bellows in a final crescendo.
“I applied to twinkle tots playgroup school, and they hired me as a teacup cleaner. But that didn’t dissuade me! I worked hard and eventually made my way to become the dishwasher emptier…and now look at me! I’m an evil prince in a castle with successful children, preparing to gain qualifications to open my own restaurant!”
“Now Kagome!” Inuyasha drops his voice to a dramatic growl and says, “Do you want to turn out like Naraku did? Do you?”
2.00 pm
An inspired Kagome has been hard at work, while Inuyasha has taken it as his personal job to stand guard over to room that Kagome is studying in, preventing anyone from coming in, or out.
Their living room now taken away from them, the cast lay flopped about in the passageways, surrounded by books and magazines.
Sango sighs, and tosses ‘Money by I. Needit’ over her shoulder.
“It’s hopeless.” She says. “How are we even supposed to know what the quiz is even on?”
Sango rolls onto her back and stares up at the ceiling.
“Hey…houshi…”
“Yeah?”
“We’ve been in this house for so long…but it hasn’t been too bad has it…”
“Yeah.”
“Remember when Naraku served that mammoth and hairy caterpillar pie and Kouga was so scared that he threw the table in the air and it all ended up on the ceiling?”
“Oh yeah! I remember!” Miroku says, as he also flops onto his back.
“Well, it’s mutated into a entire civilization of grubs which are waltzing next to the light fitting…”.
2:10 pm
It would appear it is a case of too little, too late and the Jedi (Japanese Education Directory Initiative) have come in with Kagome’s exam papers. They sit her down at a table with only a paper and pencil, tell her she has two hours and leave again. They also leave her with a stern looking guard in the form of a white-haired school prefect named Yukito, who accepts Naraku’s offer of a toasty spam bun, and then falls into a deep sleep.
2.15 pm
Kagome has leafed through all of her papers, and enters super panic mode. “HELP!” She screams. “I can’t do this! Who was the fourth King of England? What is a kinetic energy curve? What on earth is the past participle conditional tense of the direct object pronoun??”
Feeling extreme pity, the cast desperately want to help. Taking one peek at Yukito (who is snoring) the cast tiptoe up to Kagome and each take a paper.
“I can do this!” Sango whispers excitedly. “I just read about it in Economics for dummies!”
“Yeah!” Miroku whispers. “All this arithmetic I just studied for tonight’s quiz!”
“Japanese history…” Inuyasha murmurs, looking at his paper. “I know all these people personally!”
All the cast take a paper, except for Kikyou who sits in the most comfortable seat of the living room chomping on prawn crackers and leafing through the latest magazine to enter the house (The Teletubbies meet Jamie Oliver!, a Womens Weekly special with special martial arts section).
Editors note – It is a legal requirement that any literature entering the BB house must suit the tastes of all cast members. As the show runs on such a tight budget, only one magazine per week is permitted. C’est la vie…
2.30 pm
The cast are working through the exam at a rapid rate, and somehow even Naraku is able to fill out an exam sheet (Home ec. and Food Safety).
“Done!” Sango exclaims placing the Agricultural and Farming exam down.
“Me too!” Kagome says, adding the Plumbing and Sewerage exam to the growing pile.
The rest of the cast also place down their exams and breathe a sigh of relief.
Suddenly, Yukito makes a stirring noise, and the cast flee the living room.
“Ah! Sorry to fall asleep!” Yukito says, as Kagome pretends not to have noticed.
“It’s ok!” she smiles. “I was just finishing”.
“That was quick!” Yukito exclaims, flicking through the papers. “Under 15 minutes! If I hadn’t been on guard I’d say that you’d had your teachers in here doing it for you! Ha ha ha…”
Kagome laughs nervously, as Yukito bids his farewells and leaves the house.
The cast (bar Kikyou) collapse from the relief of stress, exhaustion and a particularly nasty fart emanating from Naraku’s direction.
4.00 pm
“Hello Hello! This is Big Buttocks and hello to you all! Yes, that’s right! Your time is up chumpkins! It’s time for todays task- your general knowledge quiz! Who will be able to sleep inside tonight while the rest of you freeze your botties off in the cold, cold night?”
“Eh? But today was 35°, with blue skies!” Sango says.
“Well, did you really think we’d let you off that easy?” Big Buttocks chuckles. “Of course we got special handmade snow, frost, rain and hail directly from ‘Freiza’s Cold Mushy Squishy Weather Snow Which Also Tastes Nice With Mustard.’
The cast look out the window to see a snowy hurricane complete with cows, Father Christmas and singing Dutch girls roaring outside.
“But we’re exhausted!” Sesshoumaru squeals. “If I hold a pencil for more than 10 minutes I get a severe thrombosis condition!”
“Sssh!” Inuyasha kicks his brother, lest Big Buttocks discovers Kagome’s exam was cheated.
“Ooh yesss,” Kikyou snarls, “Don’t want to be discovered, do you?”
BB chooses to ignore the conversation. “Right. Well, if you’d all like to take a seat.”
The cast sit themselves down unhappily at the tiny exam tables, and Miroku taps Sango on the shoulder.
“Good luck!” he whispers.
“Okey Dokey!” Big Buttocks booms cheerfully. “Question 1. How many Australian animals are present in the song “Tie me Kangaroo down, sport”?”
4.30 pm
“…And that ties up the Japanese history section!” BB booms. “And Kikyou seems to be leading with a score of 20034, and Inuyasha is coming in second with a score of –287, while the rest of you…”
“I didn’t realise it was possible to have double negative scores” Miroku grumbles, looking unhapplily at his score.
“What’s wrong with you all?” Big Buttocks says. “You all look so distracted. Naraku! Pay attention!”
Naraku turns away from trying to chat up camera no. 09, slightly pink.
“He told me that one of his contacts could get me a job with gherkin modelling!” he whispers excitedly to Sesshoumaru.
“The next part of general knowledge is based on botany and media.” Big Buttocks booms. “Right. Question 1. How many flowers does Po pick off the Teletubbies set in episode 97?”
5.00 pm
“…and the final question…” Big Buttocks booms. “What is my shoe size?”
The cast flop over in exhaustion as the test finishes.
“Congratulations!” Big Buttocks booms. “You all get a ‘Participated but just didn’t make it’ certificate! We’ll be counting up all your results, and we’ll tell you the winner at 6.00. Bye bye, poochies!”
With that, Big Buttocks signs off.
The cast look around with glum faces, except for Kikyou who looks positively exuberant.
“Aaah!” Kagome jumps from her seat and points out the window. “Look! The pool’s frozen over! It’s like a huge ice-skating rink!”
The cast follow her line of sight to the pool, where the Technical crew have conveniently rigged up fairy lights and ice skates (although the cyclone is still at full force).
“Naraku!” Sesshoumaru squeals. “Are you thinking what I’m thinking! Figure skating! Naraku?”
Naraku has cuddled himself up next to camera no. 09, and is patting the top of the lens fondly.
“I’m sorry Sess. I just haven’t got time for you anymore. Frederick and I are planning my future career and I’m afraid there’s just no room for you among the gherkins.”
5.30 pm
The cast sit bored, waiting for the results to the quiz to be called.
“Hey Sango,” Kikyou hisses snidely. “I know your secret!”
“No you don’t,” Sango says. “Only my doctor knows and he’s retired in New Orleans.”
Defeated, Kikyou tries again.
“Hey wench,” Kikyou says to Kagome. “I know your secret!”
“Bugger off,” Growls Kagome in a post-exam stupor, and once again Kikyou concedes defeat, moving on to a more obvious target.
“Hey Naraku,” Kikyou whispers, and works up a nice red glowing effect in her eyes, “I know your secret!!”
Naraku bursts into tears. “I really can’t help it! So what if I can move a few objects? That custard wasn’t meant to fall on anybody!!”
“Y…you’re telekinetic?” Sesshoumaru whispers reverently.
“O..of course,” Naraku replies. “Ever since I was little. I just don’t do it round here because I don’t want to freak anyone out!”
“Like he hasn’t done it any other way,” Sango mutters.
“Y…you’re telekinetic and you never told me?” Sesshoumaru exclaims. “F..first you’re attracted to a camera and then you’re telekinetic…think of all the things we could have done! Fun we could have had!” Sesshoumaru bursts into tears as well, as do the rest of the cast when Big Buttocks announces that Kikyou is the winner of the quiz, and that they all have to sleep outside in the freezing cold.
6.30 pm
The cast are set up outside, with sleeping bags and tents. The door is locked automatically, and everyone is outside for the night (excluding Kikyou). Just to taunt the cast, Kikyou prepares herself warm, hot food from the oven and eats it slowly and deliberately, in full view through the window.
“Stupid wench,” Inuyasha growls in a display of complete non-chivalry, then adds… “Bloody Naraku” to this statement as his attention turns to Naraku and his brother who seem to be using Naraku’s ‘new found’ telekinetic power to drop pot plants down the back of certain peoples pants.
“Right!” Kagome says, as she inspects the tents. “There are two tents here. One for girls, one for boys.”
“Eh? But there are only two girls!” Miroku complains.
“Tough.” Says Sango. “C’mon, Kagome. Lets set up our tent.”
The two girls head off to find a secluded part of the garden.
7.00 pm
With Sango and Kagome gone, the men are left to their own devices. A great deal of noise is coming from the girls side of the garden, and judging by the amount of self congratulation it would appear that Sango and Kagome have managed to set up their tent at last.
“God dammit!” Inuyasha slams down the tent packet in frustration. “Why do they have to make it so hard!”
“Inuyasha! Try using the other zip!” Miroku says.
Inuyasha grabs a nearby pot plant and bangs it down hard on the zip.
“Well!” Kagome and Sango have come over to look at the boys progress.
“Ah! My two favorite ladies!” says Miroku. “Do you think you could open the tent packet for us? We’re having an awful amount of trouble.”
8.00 pm
A lot of arguments and yelling later, the boys tent is finally up. Sesshoumaru calls Kagome a ‘hairless furry modern midget” and Kagome sulks inside the girls tent.
Kikyou is having a great time indoors, and has started trying on a collection of everybody’s clothes, deliberately parading back and forth in front of the windows.
Sesshoumaru bursts into a flood of tears. “She’s….she’s wearing my Figaro Giori pink camel hair bloomers!”
8.30 pm
Naraku has started up a campfire, and is warbling an endless version of “The Quartermasters Store”.
“Will someone shut him up!” Inuyasha growls as Naraku enters his 72nd verse (‘There was Sess, Sess, who had something to confess, in the sto-re, in the sto-re’…)
Sango looks down in embarrassment as her stomach makes a loud growl.
“So what food have we got out here anyway?” She asks.
“None,” Kagome says wistfully, watching as Kikyou takes handfuls of marshmallows and smooshes them onto the windows.
“My eyes are dim I cannot see…” Naraku warbles, and shuts up quickly when informed that if he doesn’t be quiet he’ll ‘stay blind like that for eter-ni-ty….”
9.00 pm
The cast have retired to their tents, finding the outdoors too cold and putting aside their dignity in order to snuggle up for warmth.
“Actually, I’m kind of glad Kikyou won…” Sango remarks to Kagome, “Imagine having to share a tent with her all night!”
“I suppose it could be worse…” Kagome grumbles, pushing Naraku’s multiple feet away from her head; Naraku having been allocated to the girls tent due to overcrowding in the boys.
“Yeah…” Sango says, pulling her blanket over her head. “I wonder how the boys are doing. Anyway, goodnight.”
11.40 pm
“KRGGACH-HACK-HACK!!”
“Um, Kagome?” Sango says sleepily. “Are you ok? That was a nasty cough.”
“T’wasn’t me…” Kagome mumbles. “Must‘ve been Naraku…”
“But it wasn’t!” Naraku says indignantly.
Sango sits bolt upright, and snaps on a torch. Sesshoumaru, Inuyasha and Miroku sit squashed into the corner of the tent.
“What the!?” Sango yells. “Out all of you! Get out!”
“Umr…we can’t.” Inuyasha mumbles quietly.
‘Why not?” Sango demands.
“Someone farted in our tent.” Miroku says.
“You wimps!” Sango growls. “I can’t believe it! How can you be so weak! It’ll eventually stop smelling! Now get back!”
“Uh…Sango? You don’t get it. Our tent disintegrated.”
11.59 pm
Nasty sounds are heard from the bathroom- apparently even dead spirits can get indigestion.
*get it? Collage? College? Naraku seems to have misinterpreted…