[FIC] Dazed and Confused - Chapter 4

[Ariane]

Chapter 4

It is one thing to claim being above sexual temptation when staring at the cover of a DVD, an image of an extremely artificial and probably contagious disease ridden female beaming back at you. It is an entirely different scenario to declare such a resistance while watching Kaname Chidori up at bat.

Part of me felt guilty at the way my heart beat faster as she frowned in concentration, fingertips straightening the cap on her head and one foot swiveling into the dirt beside the plate. Glancing around, no one else seemed to find her standing there particularly exciting, but man, I did. Just the way her brow pulled down with determination, and the lean muscles of her legs flexed as she took a batting stance, and her fingers stretched and encircled the handle, and then when the ball came hurtling at her, her reaction was perfect, executing a beautiful swing and sending the ball far into the outfield. Such a display of combined skill, athleticism, coordination, and tight softball uniforms had a very pleasant effect on me. Watching her run was also enjoyable, for obvious reasons. For the life of me I couldn’t understand why other males didn’t just come to softball games rather than spend all their money on adult comic-books and the like. Such beauty, such prowess, such tactical genius, here and in the flesh!

I clapped as Kaname rounded third and the dust in the air settled over her sweat dampened skin. The previous night after she’d helped me a great deal with studying, I had agreed to go to the mall with her to help her pick out some new outdoors equipment. She said she and Kyouko were planning to go camping over the summer so she wanted to make sure she had everything she needed, and that she had no idea what was considered important these days in equipment and was hoping I could provide some insight. Really, I was thrilled by the idea, a chance to spend time with Kaname without feeling utterly foolish, because for once I knew what I was talking about. Months on missions, setting up camp every night, sleeping outside in all kinds of weather and conditions, made me practically an expert on outdoor expeditions. I was more than happy to advise Kaname on her purchases, even though I felt I was doing it for more selfish reasons. The plan was to meet her after the game and then head out for the mall, but I decided I would come early and watch the game as well.

Wow, she certainly does look nice with mud on her face. She had removed her hat to wipe the sweat from her brow. I sighed, leaning back on the bleachers. I was sure it was abnormal to get this excited over a softball game, but what can I say? I suppose it’s more dignified than peeping into the girls’ locker room, which I often caught my classmates doing. That just seemed immature and disrespectful. I was merely supporting our school athletes; there was nothing wrong with that.

Kaname must have seen me in the stands, because she grinned and waved. Oh don’t do that, Kaname, I had just convinced myself that I was here innocently. When you smile like that, it makes it that much more difficult to lie to myself.

I started when I heard someone shouting behind me, and turned to see Noumen Danko, another kid in our class, cupping his hands over his mouth to yell. “NICE JOB KANAME!” He grinned, waving.

I turned back to Kaname, who was now getting ready to run again as her teammate stepped up to the plate. Had she been waving at me? Or at Noumen? Or at both of us?

Noumen was a problem I did not like to acknowledge. For some time he had been paying extra attention to Kaname, but I tried to ignore it. Once I had determined he was not a threat to her safety (by obtaining fingerprints from his shoe laces, taking careful inventory of his locker, and planting several microphones in his school uniforms to catch devious plots) there wasn’t much I could do about it. He was friendly and polite to her, and often offered to lend her notes in subjects in which I was practically completely useless. Even though I did not feel he would hurt Kaname, I found that his presence around her aggravated me in ways I could not describe. I wish there was something I could object to, I almost wished he would do something threatening just so I could demand she keep her distance from him.

I sighed, propping my elbow on my knee and resting my chin on my open palm. He was more of a threat to me than anyone else. Noumen was one of the few of my peers I acknowledged as almost my equal in many respects. It’s not as if I feel I am a superior person to my classmates, but I am admittedly a much better athlete, with better manners, and a stronger sense of integrity than the majority of them. Noumen, on the other hand, I found to be a very formidable opponent in gym activities. He received consistently strong marks in his classes, and he always seemed thoughtful and honorable in his actions.

Speaking of honor, if he had the same sense that I did, did that mean he was having the same thoughts as he watched Kaname play softball?

I whipped around my seat, inadvertently glaring at Noumen at the very idea, but he wasn’t looking at me, he was smiling and his attention was focused on the field. I narrowed my eyes once and crossed my arms over my chest, turning back to see Kaname cross home plate. Damn, I missed the running part. It was all Noumen’s fault. Jerk.

I moved to glare at him again, but when I turned around he was gone, the space between his cronies where he was sitting was empty. His bag was gone too. I frowned. He was probably off doing something productive and interesting, like studying or raising money for starving children or fetching a kitten from a tree.

I grumbled to myself, almost sure of his intentions. One thing I knew was that I absolutely had to ask Kaname to the dance soon, or else Noumen was certainly going to beat me to it. As much trouble as I was having applying to word “love,” to myself, it hurt me even more to consider that Noumen might feel that way about Kaname as well. Even if love was a terrifying, horrible, dangerous thing, if I had to feel it, well then I was glad I felt it about Kaname, and damn it I wanted to be the only one that did. I didn’t need anyone else getting in my way and “to thrive on; need” –ing her!

What if in my dawdling desire to sort through this love business on my own before I spoke with Kaname about it, Noumen beat me to the punch? What if Kaname felt the same way? What if they told each other and went to the dance and she smiled at him and he touched her face and then they do whatever it is that people in love do? I couldn’t stand that thought. I had to take action. Whatever the drawbacks were to being in love, it couldn’t be worse than these infuriating feelings of jealousy and inferiority. What did Noumen have over me anyway, aside from being dashing and well-liked and well-dressed and charming and confident and experienced and not getting the urge to pull out a glock when the teacher assigns impossible homework? Eh? And who does he think he is, coming to her softball games and waving like that? Hm? I’m glad he’s gone! He can just take his super-white smile and boyish good looks and get lost! Save enough kittens to fill an entire humane society for all I care!

I do take a certain pride in how extremely juvenile I can be. Okay, actually I don’t. I took a slow deep breath, deciding to bury myself in the text book I had brought along with me in order to calm my frayed nerves. In the military, when one is battling for promotion to a higher rank with a peer, it is important to maintain composure. Any signs of weakness, including behaving in an impulsive or dangerously competitive manner, are extremely detrimental to one’s record. I began studying, as was my plan for the time when Kaname was not on the field. I found English to be so difficult that it took all of my concentration and made calming down much easier.

I must have been at it for a least a half hour when I caught something moving in the corner of my eye, and I looked up from verb conjugations to see someone in black sneaking around behind the dugout. I sprang to my feet, dashing behind the bleachers and inching along towards the dugout. I resisted the temptation to whip out my pistol and blast the creep’s kneecaps off, since for all I knew he could be the janitor or just a random student who felt like wearing all black and playing around outside the dugout inside of which the girl I loved was sitting unaware and might I mention this guy was wearing a skeleton mask?

I snarled, forgetting restraint and bolting over to the dugout. This was the guy following Kaname the other night! What a ridiculous costume, really! Did he think I wouldn’t remember him? Did he think I would just let him capture Kaname and do whatever his freaking skeleton-mask self wants to her? Yeah, fat chance. Unfortunately, I snapped a twig on the ground in my haste to catch him as he attempted to scale the back of the dugout, and he broke off at a run away from the field when he saw me coming.

I was frustrated at my tendency to compromise stealth in favor of speed, but altered my course to follow him out onto the street. I still couldn’t believe how reckless this guy was being. What kind of sneak wears a skeleton mask and tries to climb up the girl’s dugout in plain view? Now he was running around on the street in broad daylight. I shook my head, keeping pace with him and gaining slowly. Well, his laughable attempt at creeping up on my charge only made it easier for me to catch him. This was practically a joke… it couldn’t be anyone more than a common pervert. He didn’t seem to have any escape plan or any idea what he was doing whatsoever.

At least, that’s what I thought until he ran down an alleyway. I caught up in just a few seconds, but when I looked down he wasn’t there. I growled, casting about frantically. This was outrageous, exactly the same thing that happened the last time I saw him. I ran down the alley, looking in and behind the dumpsters, looking in all the windows, even staring up the walls to see if he had somehow managed some spiderman-esque feat, but nothing. No sign of him anywhere. Not willing to give up yet, I quickly asked several people on the street and neighboring shop keepers if they’d seen a man in a skeleton mask, but they only looked at me as if I were crazy. Yeah, I’d think I was crazy too if I were one of them, which was not in my favor. How could such an obviously unprofessional hooligan in a Halloween costume escape me twice in a row, using the same tactic? People don’t just disappear.

I sighed, flopping down into a bench at a nearby bus stop, the failure of catching the freak doing nothing for my current self-esteem issues. What kind of bodyguard was I? What kind of… boyfriend would I make? I swallowed heavily. I didn’t really understand the nature of the position of boyfriend, but I knew that any guy in a close relationship with a female should take on certain responsibilities, including her safety and protection. Not only was I not fulfilling my mission by letting these masked shenanigans continue, I was proving myself quite inadequate for whatever being in love with Kaname entailed.

I just sat there for a while, lost in my defeatist thoughts, when I sensed someone sitting down next to me.

“Pssst!”

I suppressed a groan, glancing over to see Kazuki, her purse in her lap, her face illuminated by a syrupy smile. What was she doing here, and why was she pssting when there wasn’t even a need to be quiet? Perhaps she found some sick enjoyment in making the hair on the back of my neck stand up, which her pssting was starting to do.

“Ah, good afternoon Kazuki,” I said flatly, inclining my head at her.

“Hi!” she giggled. “I’m surprised to see you here, Sousuke. I thought you would be at the softball game.”

I choked, glancing down at my watch. The game was supposed to get out several minutes ago if the innings continued at the pace they were at. I gave Kazuki a hasty farewell, much to her confusion, and retraced my steps at a run, arriving back at the field shortly. Not only did I not catch the threat, I was late when I promised Kaname I would meet her to take her shopping. When I finally found her by the fence, her hair was wet indicating she’d already showered and changed, and she was talking with Noumen. Why, that pompous Mr. perfect… when did he get back, anyway?

I walked briskly up to them, nodding curtly at Noumen and standing right next to Kaname.

“Well, you were really great Kaname, now that Sousuke’s back I don’t feel so bad leaving you alone here. It’s really not such a great idea these days, a pretty girl hanging around by herself. There are some really creepy dudes out there.” Noumen tipped his hat at me, and I scowled.

“I was here before the game ended, but I was obligated to look into something. I deeply regret not being here upon its completion,” I ground out. It certainly seemed like a setup to me. Was he trying to make me look bad? Was he trying to make me lose points with Kaname? Give me a break. I don’t even know what exactly it is I’m feeling. I don’t need to be jostled and rushed by some choir boy in the process.

“Hey man, whatever,” Noumen shrugged. “Anyway, I’ll see you tomorrow at school, Kaname!” He waved with a smile, jogging off to join his friends in the parking lot.

Kaname waved after him, returning the friendly smile. “Bye Danko! Thanks for coming!” She then turned to me, looking utterly nonplussed. “Where were you? The game’s been over for almost half an hour.”

“I’m truly sorry, Miss Chidori,” I said, trying to keep the aggravation out of my tone. “I was here earlier, but there was a severe breach in security I had to address. I took longer than I expected.”

She raised an eyebrow, hoisting her bag onto her shoulder and brushing a strand of wet hair out of her eyes. “A supreme breach in security?”

I nodded seriously. “There was a man in a skeleton mask loitering outside the dugout.”

Kaname’s skepticism turned into an outright glare, and I tried not to flinch. “Sousuke, that’s far-fetched even for you. A guy in a skeleton mask outside the dugout, and no one else saw?”

“I find it difficult to understand, myself,” I admitted as we started to walk slowly towards the subway station. “But I gave chase until he disappeared.”

Kaname groaned, rubbing fiercely at her temples. “He disappeared?”

“Well, I’m sure he didn’t disappear exactly,” I amended. “But I chased him until he ran down an alleyway without leaving a trace. I looked and asked all around, and he was just gone. This is the second time I’ve observed him in your vicinity. The first time was the other night when you had an engagement with Kyouko, but when I attempted to notify you of his presence, you were occupied with your hair-brush karaoke.”

Kaname snickered at my name for her activities. “Look Sousuke, if you want to miss my game to flirt with Kazuki, that’s fine, you don’t need to make up dumb excuses. You really could have done it when we didn’t have plans, though.”

I gaped at her. “I wasn’t… flirting… with Kazuki, I was chasing a man in a skeleton mask.”

“Sousuke please,” Kaname chided, clearly getting annoyed. “Danko told me he saw you two on some bench near the noodle restaurant.”

I barely contained a cry of outrage. He was trying to sabotage me! Well you bastard, I am a specialist! If anyone at this high school knows about sabotage, it’s me! “Miss Chidori, I ran into Kazuki after I lost sight of the masked man, then returned immediately to meet you.”

“You ran into her sitting on a bench?”

“I got tired from the chase.”

Kaname stared at me blankly, obviously not believing a word I was saying.

“I know the situation does not make me highly credible,” I sighed, stuffing my hands in my pockets. “But I assure you, running into Kazuki brought me no kind of pleasure, and I could have easily done without the man in the skeleton mask sneaking up on you. I would have much rather have sat and watched the game in its entirety and not been late to meet you.”

Kaname didn’t seem like she was sure she believed me.

“There is no reason for me to lie to you, Miss Chidori,” I said calmly. “Indeed, I never lie to you, and don’t plan on ever doing so.”

After another searching look, she shrugged and flipped her hair over one shoulder. “Oh whatever,” she sighed. “You’re here now, so it’s fine. Let’s go!”

I nodded, following her eager steps towards the station. The afternoon’s events troubled me for several reasons. How had Noumen seen me with Kazuki and still met up with Kaname before I got back? What was I going to do about his now seemingly aggressive advances towards Kaname? Most importantly, who was this freak in the mask, and what did he want with her? I had so much to think about while I helped her pick out canteens.

***


I was perplexed when we emerged from the outing store after only about a half-hour. Kaname had listened to all of my suggestions and bought the equipment quickly, without any questions or arguing or even asking if the tent came in any more eye-pleasing colors. To be quite honest, I was disappointed the trip was over so soon. I was hoping it would last longer so I could spend more time with her, hopefully work up the guts to tell her something even remotely akin to what I felt for her. Unfortunately, sleeping bags and mosquito netting is not the most inspiring stuff, and as we left the store I had said nothing more telling than that I would hate to see her caught in a bad storm without a good set of peg hammers.

Trying not to appear glum, I took the bulky packages from the sales attendant as we left the store, surprised when we headed away from the entrance we had come in.

“There’s just one more place I want to stop really quick, if that’s okay.”

I nodded, glad our time together would be prolonged, even if just for a little while. “Of course, Miss Chidori.”

I followed her into what appeared to be a trendy clothing boutique, one that I never pictured Kaname shopping in. Sure, Kaname wore attractive clothing, but it always seemed reasonable and not as overpriced and flashy as what most girls wore outside of school.

“I found the perfect dress for the semi when I was here the other day with Kyouko, and I wanted a male opinion.” She ushered me into a chair next to the dressing rooms, and indicated that I should put the bags down on the floor.

She smiled and disappeared behind the curtain. I slumped back in the chair, ignoring the knowing smiles of the sales ladies. What were they “knowing” about, anyway? Was something greater happening that I didn’t know about?

“So Sousuke,” Kaname said, raising her voice to be heard through the curtain and over the rustling of clothing within. “Have you decided if you’re going to go to the semi?”

“Uh…” I braced my hands against my knees, blanching. Yes, I’ve decided. I’m going, and I’m going to ask you to go with me, and you are going to say yes, and I am going to tell you everything I found out from the dictionary, and you’re going to understand and know what to do, and we’re going to make it through this together and we’ll come out better for this. And Noumen will not be in the mix. At all. “No, I haven’t decided yet.”

“Oh,” her tone was unreadable. “Well, I don’t know if I’m going either, even though I pretty much have to go since I’m vice president of the student council and I’m expected to be there. But, no one has asked me to go with them.” She paused, as if expecting me to say something.

Hey, that’s no a problem. Go with me! I don’t know what the hell I’m doing and I’ve never been to a dance and I’ll probably do something out of line and embarrass you, but at least we’ll be together, right?

She sighed, obviously my response time had run out. “It’s always so awkward to go to those things alone, you know? Everyone else has a date and you just stand there, so I don’t think I’m going to go unless somebody asks me.”

I cleared my throat, trying to find the words. Will you go with me? I’ll go with you. Let’s go. You and me. Together. Night on the town. Whatever.

Another sigh from behind the curtain. “I know I probably shouldn’t be buying a dress until I get a date and know for sure that I’m going, but I just really like this one, and I don’t buy dresses very often, and you have to treat yourself sometimes, right?”

Kaname, you should be treated all the time. In fact, if I were to assume boyfriend duties, I would buy you the dress, and shoes, and flowers, and ramen noodles, and stuffed animals, and those little clippy things girls wear in their hair, and a pony, and a private jet…


There was a little more rustling and I stood up when Kaname emerged from the dressing room, involuntarily sucking in a breath.

If I thought Kaname looked good when she had mud on her face, I was all wrong. Well, no I wasn’t, she did look good with mud on her face. I was beginning to realize that Kaname actually looked absolutely gorgeous no matter what she wore, but the sight in front of me completely took my breath away. Her dress was a deep rust color that matched her eyes and shimmered slightly in the light. It was extremely low cut, but I exercised my immense powers of restraint and did not allow my eyes to linger on the vast expanse of exposed skin. She twirled once, revealing the way the fabric spun when she turned, and the appealing fact that it was backless. It reached just below mid thigh and hugged her stomach, the fabric stretching and bunching in the best places. It really seemed as if the dress had been designed and put together with Kaname in mind.

I swallowed heavily, my eyes widening when she said “how do I look?”

“You… you look…” You look more gorgeous than any woman I’ve ever seen. “beautiful,” I said simply. “You look beautiful.” Beautiful seemed like a gross understatement in my mind, but I was proud that at least I hadn’t chickened out completely and said she looked ‘adequate’ or something like that. That seems like something I’d say.

She beamed, and I smiled, pleased that I had put that expression on her face. “You really think so?”

I nodded, feeling my affection for her seeping into my gaze. “Absolutely.”

She blushed, tugging at the hem. “You don’t think it’s too short or too tight or anything?”

Oh, GOD no. “I think it’s perfect.” I said, utterly impressed with myself. I think I had gone a good four minutes in an extremely delicate situation without saying something to make her angry.

“So…” she smoothed the skirt with her small hands. “Theoretically, you would go with someone wearing this dress?”

Yes! So come with me! C’mon! It felt as if my throat went completely dry and the room was suddenly much too warm for my taste. I opened and closed my mouth a few times, trying to think of the right thing to say. I should ask her. I should just ask her right now. I wasn’t a complete idiot, I knew she wanted me to ask her. Why did she want me to ask her? Did she feel the same way? Was that even possible? I mean she’s Kaname, she’s beautiful and smart and caring and brave and funny and interesting. She’s perfect. I’m an army brat. Where is the correlation, again? Finally I just nodded dumbly.

Her smile grew unmistakably hopeful. “Really?”

I nodded again. For god’s sake man, can’t you do anything other than nod? “Yes,” I stammered out.

She just stood there, looking at me expectantly.

And…

I stood there, staring right back.

So we stood there, looking at each other.

And…

Each second her smile grew smaller and her eyes less hopeful and her posture less erect and my heart more and more wilted and pained. Why couldn’t I do this? What was the worst that could happen? How could I possibly face foreign legions and gigantic homicidal robots without the slightest bit of fear and yet be struck completely useless by one breathtaking teenage girl?

Kaname, you are by far the most fantastic person I know, and I’m not just saying that. I know I don’t have a lot to offer you, and I know in a lot of ways I’ve caused you a lot of grief, but it’s just a dance and I really think if you gave me chance we could make it work. So what do you think about…

The smiled had disappeared off her face, and she bit her lower lip. “Sousuke…” she said softly.

The words were all caught in my throat, lodged there, unreachable. I tried to grind them out but the best I could manage was a pained expression, which I don’t think was what she was looking for.

The hurt that crossed her face was devastating and hit me like a blow to the gut. I stepped back when she shook her head angrily, returning to the dressing room and snapping the curtain shut behind her.

I flopped back down into the chair, threading my fingers through my hair. Could I possibly blow a more perfect opportunity? How did I always manage to do this to myself? Hurting Kaname is probably the worst feeling in the world. It was my mission as a soldier and my duty as a friend to keep her safe, but throw love into the mix and everything gets so complicated. I sighed in frustration. Why was this stupid dance so important anyway? I’d never been to a dance and I was perfectly fine, I’m sure I’d be perfectly fine if I didn’t go. But, it was obvious Kaname wanted to go, and she wanted and escort, and if I didn’t go with her, surely someone else would. Someone like Noumen. Bastard.

The curtain was flung open and Kaname stormed out, snatching up the bags from the outing store and racing out of the boutique. I scrambled to follow.

“Miss Chidori-“

“Stopped calling me that,” she snarled, her pace very quick.

“Ah, stop calling you what?”

“KANAME. My name’s Kaname. I thought we were friends, friends call each other by their names. God Sousuke, just how dense are you?”

Pretty damn dense, to be honest with you. “Miss Ch… Ka…Kaname,” I forced out, reaching for the bags. “What about the dress?”

“I’m not going to the dance, so why buy the dress? It’s a waste of money. Some other girl who’s going can buy it.” Her jaw was set as she struggled along with the bags.

“But-“ she shot me a warning glare, daring me to argue with her. I swallowed. “I can carry those for you,” I managed to offer.

“I don’t want you to carry them,” she snapped, speeding towards the exit.

“Alright…”

She stopped short, whirling to face me. “Stop following me!”

“But, Miss Chidori!”

“Aaaargh!” she stomped her food, turning back to her storming.

“I mean Kaname,” I corrected myself quickly. “I’ll walk you home.”

“I don’t want you to walk me home!” she roared. “I’m a big girl, I can carry my
own bags, I can take a train home by myself.”

I was thoroughly uncomfortable with that idea, especially considering I had spent a portion of my afternoon tracking a very creepy many obviously interested in her.

“Kaname, I must protest-“

“No, you mustn’t,” she seethed, clenching her teeth. “I lived alone before you came, I went home by myself every day. I can manage.”

“But Kaname, there is-“

“If you say there’s a freak with a skeleton mask out there, I’m going to castrate you.”

I gulped. “Well-“

“If I see him, I’ll castrate him then!” She was getting hysterical, and I was getting more and more hesitant to argue with her.

“Kaname, it’s my duty to-“

“Screw you and your duty!”

She rushed through the turn stiles, thrusting a token into the slot. I quickly reached into my pockets, dismayed to find them empty. Without a second thought I jumped the stile, but the slight delay had put me several feet behind her, and she squeezed onto the train just before the door closed, slamming shut in my face. I pounded on the plastic window a few times, but she wouldn’t even look at me, and the doors didn’t open again.

I groaned, stepping back as the train began to move, angrier with myself than I had been in quite a long time. I kicked at a bottle cap on the ground, sending it careening into the ugly tile station wall, before spinning back to face the train and shouting “WILL YOU GO TO THE DANCE WITH ME?”

But the train sped down the tunnel and I could hardly hear myself over the roar. Well, isn’t that convenient. In a bout of supreme frustration I shouted “BY THE WAY I AM DESPERATELY IN LOVE WITH YOU AND IT FEELS LIKE WHEN I HAD TO INHALE TEAR GAS IN BASIC TRAINING.”

Of course, the roar passed half way through my second shout, and I found myself being stared at by several people around me.

That’s it, I’ve had enough of this being in love thing. I quit.





A.N. – By now you’re probably thinking Sousuke is very OOC. Maybe I agree with you. But honestly, I highly doubt that Sousuke actually thinks exactly how he talks. Just because he’s polished and disciplined in his interactions with people does not mean that he doesn’t still have the mind of a teenage boy. He’s a different teenage boy with different experiences and he doesn’t understand a lot of his surroundings, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t get jealous or angry or turned on or upset or anything else, he just doesn’t understand his emotions yet. Besides, I don’t think he’s necessarily OOC in what he actually says and does to people, only what he’s thinking, and we rarely find out exactly what he’s thinking in the anime/manga, so I guess you never know, right? I’m sorry if the apparent OOCness turns some of you off, but my objective with this story is more to explore another possible side of him rather than paint him exactly as he is in the anime. Well, I hope you have fun with it, anyway.