[FIC] 'Beauty and the Otaku,' Chapter Four

[Anysia]

A/N: Okay, I suck. I hate to think that a month between updates is going to become my standard, but I had the wonderful idea to take nothing but English and communication courses this semester, which equals way more writing than I necessarily want. This is what I get for being an English major.

Anyway, I apologize for the lateness, etc. etc. Hopefully the chapter is good enough to keep the dogs at bay, so to speak. If I follow the outline I’ve now written, we’re looking at three more chapters instead of one or two, mainly because I always do a horrible job at judging the length of my stories at the onset but also because I decided to throw in another plot twist. Bad Anysia, no biscuit. So…yeah, we’re just about to the halfway mark. You’ll know it when you get to it.

I should probably also mention that I love cliff-hangers, and I haven’t used one in awhile…

Thanks to cultnirvana, MJP, Lakewood, Kelek, Kira85, and Andrei Burnside, for various reasons. You should all know why.

-

Leonard exhaled calmly, his breath freezing before him in the cold night air. Weeks now…and still the maiden Chidori remained under the protection of Mithril. His spies had barely even managed to catch a glimpse of her, as she remained under the intense scrutiny of Sousuke Sagara. “The kid never leaves her side,” one of the disheartened scouts had informed him.

Perfect.

A slow smile spread across his features as he leant against the solid trunk of the oak tree behind him. I think it’s about time Sagara returned to battle. Such a callous murderer must be out of his element protecting a beautiful young maiden such as Miss Chidori.

Leonard touched his fingers to his lips as he saw the woman in question carefully peer out the large picture windows of her chambers, a questioning look upon her features. Had her powers been more fully-developed, she would have detected him in a second, but for the time being, he was in no danger.

Soon, my dear.

He stole one final glance at the fortress before turning and making his way back through the forest.

-

“Are you all right, Miss Chidori?”

Kaname continued to stare into the darkness, the nagging feeling at the back of her mind refusing to disappear. I could have sworn there was something out there…

“Miss Chidori?” The feel of a hand gently touching her wrist tore her from her thoughts. She turned slightly just in time to see Sousuke’s brow furrow.

“Oh…” Kaname ignored her slight sense of danger and patted Sousuke’s hand reassuringly. “It was probably just a fox or something. I thought I saw…” She shook her head. “Well, never mind what I thought I saw. I think I’m just tired.”

“If you believe that you are in immediate danger, I should inform the guards immediately.” His eyes were deadly serious. “I won’t allow anything to happen to you, Miss Chidori.”

Kaname immediately tamped down the combination slight-shaking-and-feeling-of-warmth that seemed to strangely occur whenever Sousuke was near, mentally citing a cold as its cause. The fact that said cold would have now been plaguing her for over a month and that a cold couldn’t have brought upon warmth and shaking in the absence of a fever anyway was of no consequence. Sousuke wasn’t bothered by her presence in the slightest, and she’d be damned if she was the first one to show any signs of weakness. Yes.

Now, if our heroine were less apt to immediately suppress all emotions save anger and indignation as a means of emotional defense, she would have noted that her protector had a tendency to break into a sweat at the slightest smile from her, and he would often stare at her for far longer than was ever necessary for observation purposes.

But, as she was, it was far easier to vilify her guardian.

Jerk, she thought irritably. I can’t be that repulsive.

Sousuke carefully removed his hand from Kaname’s wrist, hoping that she didn’t notice the beads of sweat forming upon his brow. He had yet to fully discern why being near her caused such a reaction, but despite the discomfort, it was somehow…nice. At any rate, she had somehow awoken long-dormant emotions that he had never believed he had.

I want to do something for her.

But what could he do? He had no true knowledge of anything save military maneuvers and self-defense, neither of which had sparked her interest.

But…I want her to be safe… Suddenly, it hit him.

Literally.

“Stop staring into space, idiot!” Kaname yelled as she massaged her knuckles, now slightly reddened and sore from the force of the blow she’d delivered to Sousuke’s stomach.

“Miss Chidori, would you please meet me at the far side of the fortress tomorrow afternoon?”

“For what?” Kaname asked irritably. Damn, she’d inadvertently cut herself. That’d better not leave a scar…

“I would like to instruct you in the proper use of the bow; I’d feel safer if you knew how to properly defend yourself. There may be times when I am called to battle, and I would not want you to be vulnerable in my absence. ”

“Vulnerable,” Kaname repeated in a deadpan voice. “I’m vulnerable without you?”

“I’m not necessarily suggesting that. However, you do lack the necessary strength and training required for—“

“’Vulnerable’ this, you jerk!”

When Sousuke awoke, he had the vague memory of being beaten over the head with a candlestick that he strangely remembered having a French accent.

He merely attributed it to the concussion.

-

Morning had dawned bright upon the fortress, bringing with it the first above-freezing temperatures the village had seen in nearly a week. The deep snow drifts had melted to little more than patches of slush, and the ice floes within the moat had begun to disappear. The birds had once again begun to sing, and winter seemed to be on the retreat.

However, the peaceful ambience was somewhat ruined by the angry young woman storming down the stony path towards the archery range, her features twisted into a scowl.

“’I’d feel safer if you knew how to defend yourself,’” Kaname repeated in a mocking tone, awkwardly carrying the bow she’d found in the armory in front of her. “What about the ‘I’ll always protect you’ thing, huh? Jerk.” She absent-mindedly kicked up a patch of slush. “I hope this damn thing is a ‘recurve’ bow… Oh, what the hell, it’s good enough. At least it’s sorta curved…” She frowned. “I guess… Now where the hell did Sousuke say to meet him?”

As she continued down the stone path, Sousuke’s words echoed through her head. ‘Vulnerable.’ The bastard had called her ‘vulnerable’! She, a strong and forceful woman if ever there was one? “Vulnerable, my ass,” she said in a sulky tone. “I’ll just have to completely kick his ass at target practice today. Settle the score.”

On some deeply subconscious level, Kaname registered the true meaning behind his words—he wanted to protect her. He wanted her to be safe. And he wanted to teach her everything he knew.

But for now, she was far too angry over how the implied insult had stung her pride to notice that he was really just looking out for her best interests.

That concerned look in his eyes was completely coincidental.

That military maniac doesn’t even have feelings.

I am not qualifying the situation.

Such were her thoughts as she came upon the range. Sousuke was already practicing, his eyes set with a deadly determination she had rarely seen as he quickly nocked an arrow and let it fly, the shaft sinking deep into the center of the target.

“Um, good shooting,” Kaname said uneasily, setting down her bow.

Sousuke merely nodded in response. “Are you ready?”

“I...I guess so,” she said simply, wondering if this was a good idea. I have no idea what the hell I’m doing… But, of course, she wasn’t about to let Sousuke know that.

Sousuke’s features softened somewhat. “Miss Chidori, if you’re uncomfortable with learning at the present time, I’m sure it would be of no consequence to postpone…”

“No!” Kaname objected quickly. “No, no, I can do this. I mean, how hard can it be?” She attempted to appear confident as she mimicked Sousuke’s earlier actions and nocked an arrow. What did that guy at the armory say…was it “keep your wrist rigid” or “keep your wrist loose”…? She wasn’t entirely sure, but she wouldn’t dare ask Sousuke. She was supposed to be strong, forceful…the complete opposite of vulnerable.

Kaname closed her eyes and drew a deep breath, then let the arrow fly. She fought back a fierce blush when it went all of a foot.

“Miss Chidori…”

“Shut up!” she yelled angrily, throwing the bow at him. “I do not need your help with this! And I don’t need your stupid ‘instruction’ or anything else! I’m not vulnerable!”

Sousuke sighed and approached her, attempting to place the bow back in her hands. “You’re not vulnerable, Miss Chidori. In fact, you’ve inflicted physical damage upon me more often than I’d care to admit. I merely want to know that you’re safe, and I’d rest easier if I knew that your self-defense didn’t rest solely upon your physical strength.”

Kaname stared at him, that strange warm feeling once again filling her chest. She hated him for that—just when she was once again sure that he was an unredeemable jerk, he came along and acted so kind and considerate that she couldn’t help but…

Stop, stop, stop! She shook her head violently. Damn him for confusing her like this!

“Miss Chidori?” Sousuke asked quizzically. “Are you all right?”

“…I suppose there’s no harm in giving it one more shot,” she stated defensively. “But just one, understand?”

“All right,” Sousuke agreed. “Let me see your form.”

“My…form?”

“Your stance.”

Kaname confusedly held up the bow and glanced back at Sousuke. “Um…I guess this is it.”

“Spread your feet a little farther apart.”

Kaname’s confusion was still evident as she inched her feet apart. She continued to grip the bow somewhat awkwardly. “Better?”

Sousuke frowned a little. “Here. If you’ll permit me to show you…”

“How the hell are you going to—“ Kaname’s breath hitched in her throat as Sousuke strode over and stood behind her, reaching around to position her hands upon the bow.

“You’re too tense,” he observed simply, his hands still lingering.

Kaname was certain he must have been able to feel her shaking. She was grateful for the fact that her face was turned away, as she was certain her cheeks had long-since been stained crimson. He’s too close…

“Do you…think you understand now?” Kaname was almost certain she heard a slight tremor in Sousuke’s voice but chalked it up to her own nervousness.

Kaname shut her eyes tightly. There was still a slight chill in the air, but Sousuke was so warm… She could probably just lean back…

Her defenses chose that moment to strike.

In one swift motion, Kaname wrenched herself out of Sousuke’s loose embrace and swung her bow, cracking him upside the head. “I’ve got it, okay?” she yelled angrily, mentally wondering why her indignation was always in direct proportion to Sousuke’s closeness. “I told you I don’t need your help.”

Sousuke winced and massaged the tender flesh that Kaname had just injured. “As long as you are safe, I believe that’s enough.”

“Yeah, you want me to be safe because of your mission, right?” Kaname noted in a mocking tone.

Sousuke’s gaze was level as he simply responded, “That’s one of the reasons.”

Kaname felt her heart skip a beat, but Sousuke merely continued, “I would like to teach you the oblique stance next. I believe that your upper-body strength is sufficient to adequately shoot from the position.” He carefully inspected the tips of his arrows.

Kaname swallowed hard and pretended to be fascinated by her bow, her mind racing in an attempt to decipher his words. One word desperately attempted to push to the forefront of her thoughts, but there was no way she would even contemplate the meaning of that word. Not the “L.” Anything but the “L.”

She waited patiently for that familiar feeling of warmth to once again dissipate, as it always did, but it stubbornly persisted.

Kaname worried her lip between her teeth, purposely keeping her eyes upon anything except Sousuke.

This is no cold.

-

“’Conflict,’” Mr. Steel repeated simply.

“I’d say possibly a Level Two, lower level combat requiring the presence of soldiers with expertise in hand-to-hand combat,” Leonard replied.

“…i.e. Sagara.”

“Exactly.”

“I had been led to believe that your plan was to endanger Sagara while he was in the presence of the Whispered girl, thus causing her to surrender without a fight.” Mr. Steel tapped the flintlock at his hip, a nervous habit he had taken to some time ago.

“That was before.” Leonard retrieved a folded piece of paper from his coat pocket and handed it to his superior without a second glance. “An intercepted message from the higher-ups at Mithril to the soldiers of Merida Fortress. I believe its contents require a change of plans.”

Mr. Steel’s eyes widened as he scanned the message quickly. “This is…”

“I believe that drawing Sagara out and keeping him as far away from Chidori as possible would be prudent, given the current intelligence,” Leonard interrupted. “Now, about those troops…”

“You’ll get them,” Mr. Steel stated, shaking his head in disbelief. “Good Lord, how stupid are those goons at Mithril?”

“It’s astounding.” Leonard smiled coldly. “I assume you want this message delivered in a timely fashion?”

“As timely as possible, Testarossa. And if you screw up this one, there’s no turning back. Understood?”

“Absolutely, sir.” Leonard granted him a mock-salute, his cold grin never fading.

Sooner than I had thought…

-

Sousuke had never been so confused in his life.

He tapped his pen against the cherrywood desk, attempting to return his thoughts to his daily report but once again finding himself sidetracked.

Kaname.

Sousuke shook his head in a vain attempt to clear his head. He remembered his words to Melissa when their unit had first been assigned to guarding Kaname... “Getting attached to the mission objective is often a fatal error, Ma’am.”

Was he attached?

Emotions were a constant source of confusion and strain for Sousuke; after all, a good soldier had no use for affection, sympathy, or any of the things “normal” people felt. Becoming a killer required a measure of detachment. Of coldness.

Kaname had unwittingly turned his world upside-down.

She was brash, to say the least. Angry, violent, short-tempered… But there were those fleeting moments when she showed concern, when she was afraid, when she dropped her defenses…

…when he knew she needed him.

Sousuke had never become attached to anyone; he’d seen too many friends and colleagues die. But Kaname was somehow breaking him down, and he’d only just begun to realize it.

He remembered her warmth as he positioned her hands upon the bow. It had been entirely innocent, and yet he had felt his heart beating faster, a blush immediately rising to his cheeks at the contact.

He still didn’t understand any of it, but…

…but he knew that she had somehow become more than just a mission.

“Sousuke, I need to have a word with you.”

Sousuke was torn from his thoughts at the sound of Melissa’s voice. He glanced up in time to catch a glimpse of her troubled visage before she disappeared into the hallway.

“Ma’am!” Sousuke caught up with her easily. “What’s wrong? Is there a problem with Miss Chidori?”

“Not with her,” Melissa said frankly. She handed him a carefully-wrapped message. “Orders from the top. Conflict’s broken out in the Eastern province, and you’ve got orders to move out tonight.”

“Amalgam?”

“They’re not sure.”

“But what about…” He glanced towards the Great Hall, where Kaname was once again attempting needlepoint with the help of Kyouko.

“Don’t worry, Weber and I can take care of her,” Melissa assured him. “Look, they specifically mentioned a need for soldiers good at hand-to-hand, and you’re one of the best around, Sousuke.”

“But…” Sousuke still seemed unsure.

“It’s an order, sergeant! Now, we’ll take good care of Kaname until you get back, but until then, get out there and give ‘em hell, okay?” Melissa’s stern countenance clearly left no room for discussion.

Sousuke furrowed his brow slightly. He had been a soldier all of his life. Normally he wouldn’t pay combat a second thought. But now…

“Yes, ma’am,” Sousuke answered with a sharp salute, though his voice lacked its usual devotion to the mission at hand.

-

“And here, now you need a box stitch,” Kyouko stated cheerfully, tapping the fabric with her thimble-encased finger.

“My cow’s ear is crooked,” Kaname grumbled as she tilted her half-completed needlepoint to one side.

Kyouko observed it with a critical eye. “Hmm…yeah, I don’t think it’s supposed to look like that. Why don’t you just take out the stitches and start over again?”

Kaname growled loudly and tossed the entire work into the fireplace. “Damn cow,” she muttered. “Where the hell is Sousuke? Wasn’t he supposed to be down here by now?”

Kyouko shrugged lightly as she closely examined the outline of her needlepoint turtle.

Kaname frowned and started out of the Great Hall, shivering in the suddenly cool air. Strange…it’s been so warm all day… She glanced out one of the large windows just in time to see snow begin to fall, the flakes glinting as they caught the moonlight. “Strange…” she observed uneasily. Kaname wrapped her arms around her shivering frame as she made her way through the hall, the lit candelabras upon the walls flickering in the chill breeze and sending shadows across the small space.

Kaname suddenly felt unsafe. She walked briskly towards the heavy doors that marked the entrance to Sousuke’s room and threw them open…

…to see him hastily packing his things.

“Sousuke?” she asked questioningly. “What are you doing?”

He glanced up from his work long enough to discern the presence within his room. “Miss Chidori, I’m afraid I’ve been called to battle. A…conflict has arisen.”

“Is everything okay?” Kaname asked uneasily.

“The briefing suggested otherwise,” he stated simply, closing his bag and slinging it over one shoulder. “Sergeant Major Mao and Sergeant Weber will see to your safety while I’m away.” He quickly saluted her and made his way down the hall.

“Wait, wait a second, Sousuke!” Kaname cried, rushing after him. “Are you going to be okay?”

Sousuke stopped suddenly, his back to Kaname. He suddenly found that he couldn’t face her. “…I should be fine,” he finally answered.

“You’re lying to me! You don’t even know, you bastard!” she yelled, grabbing his arm and forcing him to face her. “Listen, you swore you’d protect me, and if you don’t, I’m gonna introduce you to a world of pain, you got it?”

Sousuke could only nod dumbly at the infuriated young woman before him.

“And—I hate people who break promises,” she said, her voice softening. “So I expect you to keep this one.”

“This one?”

Kaname closed her eyes and took a deep breath. “I need you to promise that you’ll come back to me.”

Sousuke swallowed hard, wondering when he’d begun to sweat. “Miss Chidori, I—“

Kaname opened her eyes and immediately began to stammer, “I—I mean, because I’m still having trouble with the whole archery thing, and you promised you’d teach me, you jerk!”

Sousuke hesitated. As a soldier, there was a strong possibility that he could die on any mission. To promise to come back was irresponsible; there was no way he could guarantee such a thing.

Kaname had bowed her head slightly, and Sousuke was able to detect a slight tremor in the hand at his arm.

He couldn’t…

“I promise, Miss Chidori.”

She raised her head and nodded stiffly. “You’d damn well better.” The candlelight reflected a slight shine in her eyes, but Sousuke decided that it would be easier if he chose to ignore it.

Kaname felt her heart pounding in her chest as Sousuke approached the main gate door. What if he doesn’t come back? What if he’s killed? What if…

Inhibitions be damned. She ran after him as fast as she could. “Sousuke! Wait!”

He turned back to her, his features barely visible from within the dark shadows. “Miss Chidori, I have to—“


“And I have to tell you! I…” She bit down hard on her lower lip. Come on, Kaname! “I…”

Sousuke stared at her.

“I…I wanted to thank you for teaching me all that archery stuff today.”

You coward, her inner voice said in disgust.

“You’re welcome…I suppose.” Sousuke’s voice clearly displayed his confusion.

“And…you promise you’ll be back, right?”

“I promise.”

“Well…in that case, what are you waiting for? There could be civilians dying out there! Move it, Sergeant Clueless!”

Sousuke merely shook his head as he made his way towards the transport that would take him to the battlefield.

Kaname blinked back the stirrings of tears in her eyes, refusing to acknowledge that she even cared about Sousuke’s well-being, let alone the fact that she was terrified that she’d never see him again. “…inconsiderate jerk!” she shouted, kicking the stone wall with one slipper-clad foot.

She suddenly stopped, drained of all her indignant anger. Inconsiderate… “I wonder who the inconsiderate one is,” she mumbled. “I’m probably just being selfish…” Sousuke was a fighter, but his job was to destroy evil, to protect the weak.

People like me, she thought sullenly. Maybe she was being too hard on him. He really was trying his best, and someone as strong-willed as she was couldn’t possibly make it easy for him.

I’ll try to be nicer to him when he gets back, she mentally promised.

As it turned out, she never got her chance.

-

Kaname sullenly stirred her tea, gazing blankly at the distant wall. Sousuke had been gone for just under a week, and she was already bored out of her mind. It was amazing how much he had grown on her, to the point that she didn’t really know what to do with herself when he was gone.

It was…quiet. Quiet and boring.

Kurz and Melissa exchanged glances as Kaname sighed once again—a long, drawn-out sigh that seemed to contain every ounce of ennui she contained. “How long is she going to keep stirring that same cup of tea?” Kurz wondered aloud.

Melissa shrugged absently. “Who knows? Until Sousuke gets back?” She frowned. “Are you okay, Kaname?”

“Fine,” the young woman responded in a flat voice.

Sousuke…I hope you’re okay…

“It’s not like I’m worried about Sousuke or anything,” Kaname stated defensively. “I don’t even care if he comes back.”

“Oh?” Kurz asked slyly, beginning to lean across the table before receiving a sharp backhand from Melissa that landed him face-first in his soup.

“The report stated that it’s pretty much low-level,” Melissa told her. “He should be back in another week or so. Try not to worry about him too much; Sousuke’s a pro among pros.”

“And when he gets back, you can grant him a lady’s favor!” Kurz declared, arching an eyebrow suggestively before once again ending up in his soup.

Kaname’s eyes widened. “Wait a second, you think Sousuke and I are…?”

“Don’t listen to this pervert,” Melissa said with a scowl, pressing Kurz’s face into the soup bowl. “He’d manage to find something sexual about Sunday Mass.”

Kaname nodded absently. “Really, Sousuke and I are…friends. And we’re barely even that, you know?” She left her tea on the table, wringing her hands nervously. “I mean, that lunatic could never see a girl like that. Ever!”

“Probably not,” Melissa agreed. “But I guess you’re still looking forward to him coming back?”

“Well…” Kaname began awkwardly. “He…still has to teach me how to use the longbow.”

Melissa nodded in understanding. “I’ll be sure to remind him when he gets back.”


“Okay.” Kaname glanced at her tea. “I…think I’ll go get some rest. I’m a little tired.”

“Goodnight,” Melissa said simply, finally letting go of Kurz’s hair and allowing him to breathe.

Kaname smiled slightly and once again made her way down the hall.

It was even colder than it had been earlier in the week, she noted with a worried frown, wrapping her robe more tightly around her frame. She squinted into the darkness, noting that ice had begun to mingle with the steadily-falling snow. Isn’t ice some kind of bad omen…?

Kaname shook her head at the thought. She’d never been one for superstitions, and to believe in one now seemed silly. Kaname suppressed the all-too-familiar nagging at the back of her mind and started towards her room, casting one last worried glance out the window.

Back in the Great Hall, Kurz tapped his chin thoughtfully. “I think she’s got it bad for him. And vice-versa.”

“Fine.” Melissa dipped the crust of her bread into her soup.

“Do you have something against romance, sis? I think it’s cute.”

“I said that I didn’t have a problem as long as it didn’t interfere with Sousuke’s duty,” Melissa stated pointedly, “but I think he’s starting to get too attached. I swear, one of these days he’s going to start refusing missions to be with her, and that’s not a desirable quality in a soldier. Personally, I don’t feel like getting my ass in a sling because Sousuke’s all googly-eyed and can’t be bothered to follow orders.”

Kurz shrugged. “He’s still following orders, sis. And besides, I think it’s better for him to actually be, I don’t know, human, instead of practically being an automaton.”

Melissa stared straight ahead. “I guess so.”

“And I have a feeling he’d be a wreck if anything happened to her.”

“Maybe.”

“So we’d better take pretty good care of her until he gets back,” Kurz finished.

“I’d planned on doing that anyway,” Melissa informed him as she sipped her soup. “It’s our mission, for Chrissake.”

“Well, the mission objective’s retired for the night, and Sousuke’s gone for the week…” Kurz smiled devilishly. “I’d suggest that we…”

Melissa didn’t even blink as she cracked him over the head with her soup spoon. “You can go do it by yourself.”

Kurz muttered a string of curses as he nursed the quickly-swelling bump upon his head.

“You know, if you could just be serious for once…” Melissa began.

“Ow…if I could be serious, you’d what?” Kurz asked, wincing slightly.

Melissa frowned. “I’d—“

“Sergeant Major!” One of the guards rushed into the room, a piece of paper gripped tightly in one hand.

“Damn,” Kurz swore emphatically. “That’s the closest I’ve been in two years.”

Melissa strode over to the young soldier, who was busy dusting the snow and ice off his coat. “What is it, kid?”

“A message from the higher-ups, Ma’am,” he replied, saluting sharply. “Something about the mission.”

Melissa frowned and tore open the sheet, her eyes widening slightly as she observed the carefully-written text:

“Mission Guardian Angel has been terminated as of 2100 hours. Mission Objective is to be returned to her home village. Any and all contact is now prohibited.

Have a wonderful evening!”

To Be Continued…

End A/N: Oh, like you didn’t expect a cliffhanger after my blatantly obvious A/Ns at the start of the chapter. And, I’m sorry to say, I guarantee that the next two will as well. This is what happens when you reach the climax of the story; all hell breaks loose.

Well, that’s chapter four. Here’s hoping you all enjoyed it, since a lot of work did go into it, despite the underdeveloped prose and whatnot. Comments, criticism, flames, death threats, and any combination thereof are more than welcome.

[HELLFIRE]

*scratches head*

Did we even have anyone still posting to Fanworks anymore? Much less
ppl still writing fanfics?

Just a request... have Kaname have a close encounter with the interdimensional
'I'm in Love but can't admit it' hammer

I await the next chapter Anysia!












Regards

[Anysia]

*scratches head*

Did we even have anyone still posting to Fanworks anymore? Much less
ppl still writing fanfics?

Or writing for FMP in general. *sighs* It's a lonely, lonely field.

But, hey, I'm having fun.

Just a request... have Kaname have a close encounter with the interdimensional
'I'm in Love but can't admit it' hammer

*checks notes* Something like that's due to happen in a chapter or two...

[Kelek]

You caused me to nearly spit out my drink during Kurz and Mao's dialogue.

[Kira85]

When Sousuke awoke, he had the vague memory of being beaten over the head with a candlestick that he strangely remembered having a French accent.

And so Kira dies....
Wonderful chapter! ^__^
I like that you have used the same phrase of the film:

I want to do something for her.

Nice surprise the fact that Leonard'plan is changed... and the story is taking somthing from "the end of day by day" novel.
Well done!

[Andrei Burnside]

I swear, I've waited a long time for another writer to even think of the possibility, and to move away from the abusive relationship that some people just love to write about. They're not moe and curly for chrissake.

“You know, if you could just be serious for once…” Melissa began.

“Ow…if I could be serious, you’d what?” Kurz asked, wincing slightly.

Melissa frowned. “I’d—“

“Sergeant Major!” One of the guards rushed into the room, a piece of paper gripped tightly in one hand.

“Damn,” Kurz swore emphatically. “That’s the closest I’ve been in two years.”

THANK YOU!

/me makes exaggerated gestures of approval.

I noticed more physical description in this chapter, which added and cemented to the atmosphere. Good touch. When you skimped on details, I don't know if this applied for everyone, but the scenery seemd to fill itself in. Though it might be nice for a little dramatic description of what the fortress looked like, unless my memory failed me.

For mush, it was artfully done. Really. How it was described meshed with Kaname's character.

1 month is nothing. I have an 8month backlog. I should be burned at the stake.

[Anysia]

Heh, I was hoping someone would notice the K/M interactions; I kept it so subtle that I was afraid it would just completely fly under the radar.

Lakewood got me to thinking about details, and I figured that, loath as I am to venture into descriptive prose for fear of moving into the pretentious, it would definitely help things along. So yay.

Seriously, the best thing for a writer to hear is that the little details she worked in were noticed and appreciated. This almost gives me the motivation to finish my next creative writing assignment.

[cultnirvana]

Yay, Bri!! Brilliant chappie. Mushy, but at the eprfect level and the K/M bits were so cute too.

I think you are one of the few writing for the series anymore ;_; But then I haven't had a chance to read much fanfiction lately and have gotten a little too into my recent obsession.

Okay, I'm babbling as I have a migrane coming on (we seem to get the same things at the same time) and can't construct a proper review, so I'll just give you one the next time we chat.

[Andrei Burnside]

ConCrit: Tis a bit late, but what's a guy to do? Skip a lacrosse game?

There were obviously more decriptive touches. That's good. Now we can see and hear what's happening. And characterization was nice, although staying within established bonds.

Dialogue, while well structured...was kinda stale...In some areas, there are only so many words in the english langugage that come to mind while writing.
It's rather hard to explain, perhaps all dialogue is stale (perhaps I'm being unreasonable too)...but nice stream of consciouness use...even though it's more quasi narration.

But uh...where's the figurative language? I mean, I can't find much that jumps out. There's some..but you could throw in some more. Could, because it really depends on what you're writing about and chose to describe. Imagery. More. Like the light glinting of the snowflakes, crimson stained cheeks. Put some (more) figlang/ imagery in there.
It's good for you.

If Sousuke is supposedly cold hearted, or was, or is becoming less of one...That needs to be apparent in his language and unfamiliarity with things. He shouldn't see things as "innocent" but "instructional", and he should take note of his pulse quickening, and face reddening, sure, but see it in different terms. I mean, Sousuke isn't normal, thus certain cues may occur, but he's not going to interpret them proprely at all. Even blushing and increased heartrate for those who have been brought up with war can indicate a two stage gas attack. 1st Stage. Increased Pulse and Respiration via one gas. 2nd Stage. Deadly Gas Deployed. Or nerve gas can be used and you can do it in one step. Damn. Wrong Century. Nevermind, just something to always keep in mind. You keep Sousuke in character quite well, so I'm going to drop that line of reasoning.

Sentence Structure. Uh...I don't know about SS much, but maybe you should look and see if you mixed things up "enough". I'm not sure, always something to keep in mind.

Are we shooting for any moral message here? How many chapters are left? Just curious, if you want to develop a theme...Any symbolism?

Disclaimer: I'm human, I'm make errors, and this piece is pretty damn good, it's rather hard to criticize and be valid in arguements without being a complete ass. Thus if this concrit is completely incorrect, welll...It is opinion and can be taken as invalid.

[Anysia]

Yay, concrit. ^^ Always a good thing.

Tis a bit late, but what's a guy to do? Skip a lacrosse game?

*mumbles disparaging comments about high school jocks under her breath*

Dialogue, while well structured...was kinda stale...

...wow. Thanks for giving me a heads-up about that one. I've always considered dialogue to be one of my key strengths, but if I'm doing something wrong, I want to hear about it. Could you point out a few specific examples so I know what to improve upon?

But uh...where's the figurative language? I mean, I can't find much that jumps out. There's some..but you could throw in some more. Could, because it really depends on what you're writing about and chose to describe. Imagery. More. Like the light glinting of the snowflakes, crimson stained cheeks. Put some (more) figlang/ imagery in there.
It's good for you.

I agree, but figurative language can too often cross over into purple prose and pretentiousness. It's a fine line, really. You can work in the description to help with imagery, but when you end up with something like this...

"The room was black, that velvet darkness that comes between midnight and dawn, before the first rosy blush of morning stains the sky but long after the last tint of blue has faded from the evening sky. Even the streetlights that illuminated the street for those sleepless souls that graced the roadway failed to pierce the inky blackness of the room."

...you've gone way too far into purple territory. Considering I hate T.S. Eliot and James Joyce, I really don't want to echo their work too much.

Are we shooting for any moral message here? How many chapters are left? Just curious, if you want to develop a theme...Any symbolism?

I'd love to pretend that I have this fabulous central theme that I'm subtly developing, but hell, I'm just screwing around. I save the deep symbolism for my thesis papers in my English courses. There's generally one theme that stands out, though, and that's just because I'm adapting it from one of the earliest versions of "Beauty and the Beast"--that old "appearances can be deceiving" idea.

Chapters left... *checks notes* Three, maybe four if I actually develop the central theme a bit more. Again, I'm always worried about overextending metaphors and spending too much time on description and bogging down the story.

Thus if this concrit is completely incorrect, welll...It is opinion and can be taken as invalid.

It's opinion, yes, but you've taken the time to tell me what you like and dislike about the story. As a writer, it's my job to responsive and attempt to grow as a result. *shrugs*

Thanks again for the concrit! You've given me a few things to think about for next time...

[TabingIlog]

*scratches head*

Did we even have anyone still posting to Fanworks anymore? Much less
ppl still writing fanfics?


I await the next chapter Anysia!

Regards

Hey... Im working hard on my fic just wait a couple more years.

A/N: Okay, I suck. I hate to think that a month between updates is going to become my standard, but I had the wonderful idea to take nothing but English and communication courses this semester, which equals way more writing than I necessarily want. This is what I get for being an English major.

Anysia... Good feeling about this, you'll be a success in being a English Major. I love your fics . It's so well written. To be honest I could not even leave my seat because I'm hooked on it. Well I also Await for your next one



Also Andrei where did you get your Avatar?