[FIC] Waiting Is The Hardest Part (part 1 of 4)
Posted: Mon Dec 01, 2003 12:09 am
A piece on family. Now that she and Sousuke have children, how is Kaname affected when he is off on a mission for Mithril. How much worse is it when he is overdue, and no one has word about him? Factor in a child that is not planning on staying in the womb much longer....
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MONDAY
The alarm went off, its raucous buzzer dragging Kaname from the depths of a fitful slumber. The noise continued, insistant. "Sousuke, turn that damn thing OFF" she said, arm swing over to hit the other side of the bed.
She struck the bed, not a body. Reality marched in, single file, setting up defensive positions. A cold feeling started in the pit of her belly and began to spread outward. Biting her lip, Kaname placed her hand on her abdomen, feeling the baby kick. She needed to focus on hopeful things. She could not afford to fall prey to despair and melancholy.
"Shhh...she might hear you..."
"No...don't shush me...you're not my boss...she might hear YOU...."
"No...you...."
"Shhh...."
"Don't hit me!"
Kaname couldn't help but smile, a feeling of maternal love filling her. The children were up, waiting for her. Two heads peaked in around the door frame. She closed her eyes, pretending to be asleep. That would set them to scheming.
"No. Not asleep. She's just pretending. She's thinking of father." Moto spoke with comeplete certainty.
"I miss Daddy, too. Where'd he go, Moto?" Tomoe wanted someone to jump on. She couldn't jump on her mother, close to term.
"Don't know. Mithril. Where's Mithril?" Moto sounded puzzled.
Kaname sat up in bed, so quickly that she felt somewhat dizzy. Where had Moto gotten THAT word. Mithril. Had Sousuke let something slip? Had her son been approached by someone from that organization, or someone pretending to be? This required an answer, now.
"Moto, come here now." Kaname sat on the edge of her bed, placing her feet into warm slippers.
The children walked in slowly, warily. They did not like the tone of their mother's voice. Tomoe walked directly behind her brother, one hand clutching her brother's pajama tail, the other hugging a tattered teddy bear. Moto put on a brave face, holding his shoulders back and chin up.
"Yes, mother?"
"Mama!"
"Moto, where did you hear the name Mithril?" Kaname's gaze was intense. Her hand had a firm grip on the bed spread.
"Uh---"
"Moto...."
"Uh---"
"MOTO! Answer me." Moto knew better than to hesitate when she used THAT voice. He was his father's son, after all.
"I heard it from you, Mother." His voice sounded quite certain.
"I don't remember EVER saying that word around you, Miyamoto."
"No, mother. I just heard it in my head. I saw Father's face...felt you were sad and scared...and heard the name Mithril. I don't know why." He was curious, not frightened.
Kaname bit her lip, hard. She could taste the metallic taste of blood. Her hands spasmed, opening and closing. Moto had picked that up from her mind. How? There could only be one explanation. She was deeply worried, and had been thinking intensely about Sousuke. Her mind must have been broadcasting, in a way most people could not.
Moto was likely a Whispered, just like his mother.
The fact stared her squarely in the eyes, refusing to back down. This was NOT a good thing. This was NOT the time to be faced with such a worrisome reality. Kaname did not feel the pride a physician feels when his son or daughter graduates from medical school. She did not feel the satisfaction a father feels when his child takes over the family business. This was not a moment for celebration. She felt the suffocating grip on her lungs that she had felt long ago, upon realizing just what being a Whispered would mean for her life.
She needed Sousuke. She wanted him by her side more than ever.
Both of the children were very quiet, their eyes riveted to their mother's face. Something was wrong. They just didn't know what. Wisdom often comes with age, but a long list of years is by no means a prerequisite.
"Tomoe, you asked me how to draw horses. Let's go get the crayons, and I will show you." Moto spoke to his sister, but his eyes were still on his mother. Her look was distant, troubled.
"Yeay! I'll beat you there...." Tomoe scampered off, bouncing off a bed post and the leading edge of the bedroom door. With one final glance at his mother, Moto followed his sister.
*************************************************************
Stirring a second bowl of oatmeal for Tomoe, Kaname watched while Moto demolished his third. Tomoe remained immaculate, as did the table in front of her. Oatmeal dotted the table in front of Moto, looking like islands on a topographical map. That analogy was not lost on her son: he pushed the droppings around a bit, stared at them, and pushed them some more. He hummed happily as he built mountains.
"Look mother...Japan." Moto was proud of his handiwork. It was fairly accurate. It would take some work cleaning up, but it WAS educational.
"What's Japan, mother?" Tomoe asked her question absentmindedly, more intent on making a decision on what to do with HER next bowl of food.
"Sheesh, dumbell. I TOLD you before. Six times." Moto was incorrect for once. It had been seven times.
"Moto! Tomoe, Japan is the nation we live in."
"Oh. Thanks, Mama" Tomo made a face at Tomoe, who readied a spoon of oatmeal. "Is Daddy in Japan too?" She made another face, sticking out her tongue.
Kaname almost dropped the bowl. The overwhelming melange of fear, sadness, anger, and uncertainty threatened to overwhelm her again. She was saved by three sounds. A splattering 'thwock.' A triumphant yell. An indignant yelp, soon devolving into tears and incoherent screaming. Moto was holding his spoon over his head in triumph. Tomoe was using her pajamas to wipe oatmeal off of her face.
"DAMN YOU TWO!!!" It had slipped out before Kaname could stop it. She was shocked more than her two children, both of whom stared at her as if some beast had crawled out of the kitchen sink. Moto dropped his spoon and put both hands on his head, in a fashion he had seen his father do before. Tomoe's face clouded up quickly as she prepared to cry.
"Breakfast is over for the both of you." Regaining her composure, Kaname would use this incident to her advantage. "We will NOT have a repeat performance. Ever. Moto, you will clean the table. Tomoe, you will clean the floor. When you are finished, you will brush your teeth, get dressed, and comb your hair. Do you understand?"
Kaname walked out of the kitchen after seeing both children nod their heads. She was shaking, nearly in tears herself. DAMN THAT SOUSUKE! Where was he? Was he safe, unharmed? When would he return?
She went into her bathroom and closed the door. When the shower was ready, she disrobed and emersed herself in the massaging spray. Try as she may, she couldn't wash away her fears. Sousuke had been gone twelve days now. By his account, travel should have accounted for one day, while briefings and preparations should have used up two more. At most, the mission itself should have lasted no longer than three days...if it were successful. She had waited until yesterday to use the transmitter.
No one knew where Sousuke was. No one would tell her the outcome of the mission. Situation permitting, someone would contact her as soon as they had confirmed information.
Her tears were lost in the torrent of water. She shook her head, trying to shake away an unwanted reality. Placing her hands on the wall, Kaname leaned slowly forward, resting her forehead against the cold tiles. For the second time in her life, she cursed a fax paper she had mistakenly looked at.
CAPT. SAGARA
Urgency level - 10
Secrecy level - 9
Refusal level - null
WORMWOOD HAZARD CONFIRMED
Immediate disembarkment imminent.
Return route SHITENNO, parcel method.
Mission clock 72 hrs, running.
Standard pack.
LT. CMDR. BEN-ELIEDEN
She had seen more than was good for her. Top urgency level. No option for refusal or for support-only roles. Near top secrecy level, effectively excluding her from asking any questions or expecting any answers.
She had seen the words "WORMWOOD HAZARD."
She had felt entitled to some answers.
*************************************************************
Driving the kids into school had been Hell. No, it was not the traffic---that was no different than any other day. It was not the children---If Moto and Tomoe had been that well behaved every day, Kaname would consider having another three or four children. Everything she drove past seemed to remind her of Sousuke. Their favorite roadside cafe. The laundromat they routinely frequented after they moved into their first small apartment together. The family-owned book seller Sousuke liked to say he struck gold at. The ice cream shop he'd take the children to.
Kaname caught herself again. She kept falling into the trap of thinking and reacting as if Sousuke was dead, and would never return home. If she wasn't doing that, she was trying to shake off the feeling of shock, the unwillingness of her mind to let her admit that things were any different than usual. She wanted to scream. She felt out of touch with reality and wanted to break free. Her denial led her into a session of bargaining with both God and Fate. There was a whole list of things she was willing to change, willing to sacrifice, if only Sousuke would return safe and sound.
She would be going into work late that afternoon, as she had her final OB/GYN obstetrical appointment to keep. Sitting in the waiting room, she looked at the other expectant mothers. They all seemed so cheerful, so fortunate. She couldn't imagine that any of THEM had any hardships to deal with. She felt isolated and alone. She couldn't look at the women who had been accompanied by their husbands.
While she waited, she picked up a scratched and battered children's version of Aesop's fables. She teared slightly. They had a more complete version at home, and Sousuke had been reading to the children from it nightly, just before he had left on his mission. She could hear his voice then, reading exercpts from 'The Tortoise and The Hare,' 'The Wolf In Sheep's Clothing,' and 'The Grasshopper and The Ants.' Of course, after explaining the main moral of each story, her husband had the habit of bringing in examples from military history or current events.
Slow and steady wins the race. Or, so the moral to one of the more common tales went. She was doing what she could. She was hanging in there. But she hadn't won anything! Sousuke had NOT come back home. The facts were daunting---they threatened to kidnap and murder her faith, leaving it lifeless in some gutter. The mission was long over due. There was no word from him or about him. With persistant calling, she had finally been told that two back-up teams from different subs had been sent in. She could do the math. The answer suggested a catastrophic failure by the initial team. In all likelihood, that meant her children would be without a father.
She had been Kaname Chidori before she became Kaname Sagara. Kaname Chidori had been resilent and resourceful. She had NOT been a quitter. A change of name...years with a kind and dependable soulmate...two-and-a-fraction children...none of that could wash away her foundation. Once again, she was able to escape from the melancholy that threatened to suffocate her.
Kaname remembered a parable Sousuke had once told the children, similar in some ways to one of Aesop's fables, but with an entirely different message.
The Tortoise challened Achilles to a race, claiming that he was certain to win as long as Achillesg gave him a head start. Achilles laughted at that, of course, for he was a mighty warrior and exceeding swift of foot. The tortoise, on the other hand, was heavy and slow.
"How big a head start do you want?" Achilles asked the Tortoise, trying to hide his smile.
"Ten meters," the reptile replied. "That should prove sufficient."
Achilles couldn'thelp himself. He burst out with laughter. "You will surely lose, friend, if that is all the head start you have. But, let us race, if you wish it."
"On the contrary," the Tortoise said confidently. "I will win...and I can prove it to you by means of a simple argument."
"Go on with it, then" Achilles replied, feeling somewhat less confident than before. He knew that he was the superior athlete, but he also knew that the Tortoise had the sharper wits. Achilles had lost many a bewildering argument to the Tortoise before this.
"Suppose," began the Tortoise "that you gave me a ten meter head start. Would you say that you could cover that distance between us very quickly?"
"Very quickly!" stated Achilles.
"And in that time, how far ahead should I have gone, do you think?"
"Perhaps a meter---definitely no more than that" Achilles said after a moment of thought.
"Very well" said the Tortoise, "now there is a meter between us. And you would no doubt catch up that distance very quickly?"
"Yes. Very quickly indeed!"
"And yet, in that time, I shall have gone a little further, so now you have to make up that distance, yes?"
"Hmmm. Y-e-s-s-s" Achilles said slowly.
"And while you are doing so, I shall have gone a little way farther, so that you must catch up the new distance" the Tortoise continued smoothly.
Achilles said nothing.
"And you see, in each moment you must be catching up the distance between us...and yet I---at the very same time---will be adding a new distance, however small, for you to catch up again."
"Indeed. It must indeed be so" Achilles said wearily.
"And so, you can never catch up!" the Tortoise concluded, sympathetically.
"You are right as always" Achilles conceded.
Kaname shook her head, smiling ever so slightly. Even though he was not there, the memory of Sousuke had something to teach her. What an amazing man. How fortunate she and the chlidren were. The Tortoise's argument had been brilliant, seemingly faultless from the point of view of pure logic. In reality, the argument would be proven false. The same could be said for her argument that she was most likely a widow.
"Mrs. Sagara, the doctor will see you now."
Those were the words that Kaname had been waiting for. The check up went well from a medical perspective. The baby's heart rate was strong and regular. He--the child--was oriented for a vertex birth. Kaname was two days past the EDC based on the LMP by dates, but she had been about a week late with both Tomoe and Moto. Her vital signs and physical exam were unremarkable.
While talking with Dr. Koemon, Kaname had broken down into involuntary sobbing. With sufficient coaxing, she explained her dilemma in a nonspecific manner. The doctor was sympathetic, and suggested possible options. She could see a counsellor, if she felt the need. He could prescribe a tranquilzer that would pose no harm to the baby. Anti-Depressants were out of the equation, as it would take weeks before they started to be effective. She would be nursing her child at that time...and hopefully, her problem would have long since been corrected.
When she felt able, she drove home. She thought about calling Kyouko, but did not want to deal with anyone at that time.
************************************************************
Kaname felt exhausted---physically, mentally, and emotionally. But, the children were finally in their PJs and in the lengthy process of settling in for the evening events. She would join them as soon as she put away the dishes and put aside her latest thoughts of today.
Time at work had gone smooth from a business standpoint. She had handed in too assignments and made good headway on a third. That is, until she received a phone call from Cmdr. Naha at the JSDF base. He was concerned about Sousuke, noting that he had been expected back at the training center that morning. Kaname gave him a brief rundown of the situation, as Sousuke's boss was one of the few men in the JSDF that knew of Mithril's existence. He had been very sympathetic, offering to send over military personell if she found herself in serious need.
It had felt good to talk with someone who was aware of things she otherwise had to keep secret and hidden. Still, her carefully constructed fascade crumbled, and she was unable to maintain sufficient focus to do any further effective research or writing. She finished off the work day by doing mindless busy work. It had to get done sooner or later, any way.
Dinner had gone well, both in the preparation and the eating. Moto refrained from further lessons in geography and Tomoe decided to practice her most effective facial expressions at a later time.
Kaname stopped in her reminiscence a moment, realizing that she had forgotten what she had just cooked and eaten no more than twenty minutes ago.
Her memory snapped back and she let out a sigh of relief. That sigh changed horses in the middle of the stream, morphing into a sigh of sadness. Her eyes had fallen on the picture of Sousuke, Kyouko, Shinji, and herself that she kept on the ledge above the sink. Photographs were proving to be a trouble today.
The most difficult issue she had been faced with was the simple walk from the front door to the kitchen. The children had sped ahead of her, seemingly absent a single care in this world. Walking through the entry hall, she had been accosted one after another by pictures of Sousuke near a JSDF Arm Slave...Sousuke, herself, and the children at the zoo...Sousuke, Kurz, and Melissa...Sousuke holding her, with her holding one week old Moto...two year old Tomoe sitting on her father's knee. The living room wasn't much better. There were plenty of smaller photgraphs on tables, shelves, and walls.
Kaname made an effort to meet the enemy on the ground of HER choosing. She decidedthat she would take out her photo album after the children were safely in bed. She had spent so much time mourning Sousuke's absence, she felt like she needed to ballance things out the best way she could.
Kaname allowed the children an extra thirty minutes of television while she leafed through her photo albums. She didn't approve of the cartoon violence, but there is only so much a parent can protect her children from. Normally, this time on a Monday night would have been reserved for a chapter from the Art Of War or a short film on tactics from Sousuke's exhaustive video collection. Kaname had not yet been qualified by her husband to offer insights into those topics.
When she closed the photograph album and looked up, tears half-way down her neck, she was taken aback. Tomoe and Moto were sitting quietly at the end of the bed smiling, looking at Moto's watch.
"I win, Moto. Told you. One minute til Mama saw us."
Kaname stared at her self-satisfied offspring. How had they done that???
************************************************************
Kaname pulled back her comforter and fluffed her pillows. The little sweethearts are finally tucked in and on the fast train to dreamland. She had told them a very short story based on the Wizard of Oz. The story had a heroine name Melissa...her small dog Kurz...a tin man named Mardukas...a scarecrow named Greta...their companion Gordon, a brave lion...a wizard named Kalinin...a host of flying monkeys...and a wicked witch named Tessa.
"Mama, why are so many bad ladies named Tessa in stories?"
"Yes, Mother. Tessa OR Teletha...."
"Well, you two, I can only guess that their mothers liked those names."
She hadn't felt like leaving them their bedside just yet. For some reason, she thought back to Aesop's fables. She could carry on that tradition for Sousuke. It was her job to hold down the fort as best she could.
She had stuck her finger randomly into the book, selecting the tale for that evening. Page 30. "The Donkey's shadow"
A traveler who had to cross a desert plain hired a donkey to carry him on the journey, and offered the donkey's owner a good sum of money to act as a guide. They set out early in the morning, the traveler riding on the donkey and his guide walking alongside. Soon they had left all greenery behind, and as the sun rose higher and higher into the sky, the heat scorched their skins and parched their throats.
At last the traveler called a halt. Since there was no other shade, he threw himself down to rest on the donkey's shadow.
"What right do you have to that shade?" protested the guide. "Move over---that is MY place to rest!"
"CHEAT!" yelled the traveler angrily. "Didn't I pay you for the use of your donkey all day long?"
"You paid me for the donkey, that's true." retorted the guide, "but you never paid for his shadow!"
As they argued, neither remembered to keep hold of the donkey's reins. Frightened by the shouting, the donkey took to its heels and ran off across the desert, leaving the two men with no shade to rest in and no beast to ride.
MORAL: WE LOSE WHAT REALLY MATTERS WHEN WE QUARREL OVER SOMETHING WORTHLESS.
That moral resonated within Kaname, until she felt as if she were about to explode. She recalled in only too much detail---exagerating things to a point where she didn't know where the truth ended and her conscience's fantasies began---her final argument with Sousuke, the morning of his departure. The house had rung with her voice, while Sousuke had remained calm and determined. Kyouko had taken the children in to school, so there was no one there to act as a muffler for Kaname.
Sousuke had given little ground, feeling he gave out more information than he should. His reward had been a tongue-lashing, with Kaname claiming that his breaking of protocol by even a little bit removed any further need for secrecy. In the end, a pained look in his eyes, Sousuke had left Kaname with a number of clues to work through: the word 'wormwood'...a Biblical reference [Revelations 8:9-11]...a web address...and a circle drawn on the family globe with her lipstick, highlighting the Crimean peninsula.
As his next to last words, he told her why he had to go. The new Arm Slaves---the AEG-1 Aegis---were needed. Only four people could currently interface with the six new machines: Sousuke, Melissa, and two people Kaname did not know.
Sousuke's final words had beem "I love you. Watch after the children for me. I will return as soon as I am able." As Kaname had turned her back to him, he kissed the back of her head, shouldered his duffel bag, and headed out the door.
*************************************************************
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MONDAY
The alarm went off, its raucous buzzer dragging Kaname from the depths of a fitful slumber. The noise continued, insistant. "Sousuke, turn that damn thing OFF" she said, arm swing over to hit the other side of the bed.
She struck the bed, not a body. Reality marched in, single file, setting up defensive positions. A cold feeling started in the pit of her belly and began to spread outward. Biting her lip, Kaname placed her hand on her abdomen, feeling the baby kick. She needed to focus on hopeful things. She could not afford to fall prey to despair and melancholy.
"Shhh...she might hear you..."
"No...don't shush me...you're not my boss...she might hear YOU...."
"No...you...."
"Shhh...."
"Don't hit me!"
Kaname couldn't help but smile, a feeling of maternal love filling her. The children were up, waiting for her. Two heads peaked in around the door frame. She closed her eyes, pretending to be asleep. That would set them to scheming.
"No. Not asleep. She's just pretending. She's thinking of father." Moto spoke with comeplete certainty.
"I miss Daddy, too. Where'd he go, Moto?" Tomoe wanted someone to jump on. She couldn't jump on her mother, close to term.
"Don't know. Mithril. Where's Mithril?" Moto sounded puzzled.
Kaname sat up in bed, so quickly that she felt somewhat dizzy. Where had Moto gotten THAT word. Mithril. Had Sousuke let something slip? Had her son been approached by someone from that organization, or someone pretending to be? This required an answer, now.
"Moto, come here now." Kaname sat on the edge of her bed, placing her feet into warm slippers.
The children walked in slowly, warily. They did not like the tone of their mother's voice. Tomoe walked directly behind her brother, one hand clutching her brother's pajama tail, the other hugging a tattered teddy bear. Moto put on a brave face, holding his shoulders back and chin up.
"Yes, mother?"
"Mama!"
"Moto, where did you hear the name Mithril?" Kaname's gaze was intense. Her hand had a firm grip on the bed spread.
"Uh---"
"Moto...."
"Uh---"
"MOTO! Answer me." Moto knew better than to hesitate when she used THAT voice. He was his father's son, after all.
"I heard it from you, Mother." His voice sounded quite certain.
"I don't remember EVER saying that word around you, Miyamoto."
"No, mother. I just heard it in my head. I saw Father's face...felt you were sad and scared...and heard the name Mithril. I don't know why." He was curious, not frightened.
Kaname bit her lip, hard. She could taste the metallic taste of blood. Her hands spasmed, opening and closing. Moto had picked that up from her mind. How? There could only be one explanation. She was deeply worried, and had been thinking intensely about Sousuke. Her mind must have been broadcasting, in a way most people could not.
Moto was likely a Whispered, just like his mother.
The fact stared her squarely in the eyes, refusing to back down. This was NOT a good thing. This was NOT the time to be faced with such a worrisome reality. Kaname did not feel the pride a physician feels when his son or daughter graduates from medical school. She did not feel the satisfaction a father feels when his child takes over the family business. This was not a moment for celebration. She felt the suffocating grip on her lungs that she had felt long ago, upon realizing just what being a Whispered would mean for her life.
She needed Sousuke. She wanted him by her side more than ever.
Both of the children were very quiet, their eyes riveted to their mother's face. Something was wrong. They just didn't know what. Wisdom often comes with age, but a long list of years is by no means a prerequisite.
"Tomoe, you asked me how to draw horses. Let's go get the crayons, and I will show you." Moto spoke to his sister, but his eyes were still on his mother. Her look was distant, troubled.
"Yeay! I'll beat you there...." Tomoe scampered off, bouncing off a bed post and the leading edge of the bedroom door. With one final glance at his mother, Moto followed his sister.
*************************************************************
Stirring a second bowl of oatmeal for Tomoe, Kaname watched while Moto demolished his third. Tomoe remained immaculate, as did the table in front of her. Oatmeal dotted the table in front of Moto, looking like islands on a topographical map. That analogy was not lost on her son: he pushed the droppings around a bit, stared at them, and pushed them some more. He hummed happily as he built mountains.
"Look mother...Japan." Moto was proud of his handiwork. It was fairly accurate. It would take some work cleaning up, but it WAS educational.
"What's Japan, mother?" Tomoe asked her question absentmindedly, more intent on making a decision on what to do with HER next bowl of food.
"Sheesh, dumbell. I TOLD you before. Six times." Moto was incorrect for once. It had been seven times.
"Moto! Tomoe, Japan is the nation we live in."
"Oh. Thanks, Mama" Tomo made a face at Tomoe, who readied a spoon of oatmeal. "Is Daddy in Japan too?" She made another face, sticking out her tongue.
Kaname almost dropped the bowl. The overwhelming melange of fear, sadness, anger, and uncertainty threatened to overwhelm her again. She was saved by three sounds. A splattering 'thwock.' A triumphant yell. An indignant yelp, soon devolving into tears and incoherent screaming. Moto was holding his spoon over his head in triumph. Tomoe was using her pajamas to wipe oatmeal off of her face.
"DAMN YOU TWO!!!" It had slipped out before Kaname could stop it. She was shocked more than her two children, both of whom stared at her as if some beast had crawled out of the kitchen sink. Moto dropped his spoon and put both hands on his head, in a fashion he had seen his father do before. Tomoe's face clouded up quickly as she prepared to cry.
"Breakfast is over for the both of you." Regaining her composure, Kaname would use this incident to her advantage. "We will NOT have a repeat performance. Ever. Moto, you will clean the table. Tomoe, you will clean the floor. When you are finished, you will brush your teeth, get dressed, and comb your hair. Do you understand?"
Kaname walked out of the kitchen after seeing both children nod their heads. She was shaking, nearly in tears herself. DAMN THAT SOUSUKE! Where was he? Was he safe, unharmed? When would he return?
She went into her bathroom and closed the door. When the shower was ready, she disrobed and emersed herself in the massaging spray. Try as she may, she couldn't wash away her fears. Sousuke had been gone twelve days now. By his account, travel should have accounted for one day, while briefings and preparations should have used up two more. At most, the mission itself should have lasted no longer than three days...if it were successful. She had waited until yesterday to use the transmitter.
No one knew where Sousuke was. No one would tell her the outcome of the mission. Situation permitting, someone would contact her as soon as they had confirmed information.
Her tears were lost in the torrent of water. She shook her head, trying to shake away an unwanted reality. Placing her hands on the wall, Kaname leaned slowly forward, resting her forehead against the cold tiles. For the second time in her life, she cursed a fax paper she had mistakenly looked at.
CAPT. SAGARA
Urgency level - 10
Secrecy level - 9
Refusal level - null
WORMWOOD HAZARD CONFIRMED
Immediate disembarkment imminent.
Return route SHITENNO, parcel method.
Mission clock 72 hrs, running.
Standard pack.
LT. CMDR. BEN-ELIEDEN
She had seen more than was good for her. Top urgency level. No option for refusal or for support-only roles. Near top secrecy level, effectively excluding her from asking any questions or expecting any answers.
She had seen the words "WORMWOOD HAZARD."
She had felt entitled to some answers.
*************************************************************
Driving the kids into school had been Hell. No, it was not the traffic---that was no different than any other day. It was not the children---If Moto and Tomoe had been that well behaved every day, Kaname would consider having another three or four children. Everything she drove past seemed to remind her of Sousuke. Their favorite roadside cafe. The laundromat they routinely frequented after they moved into their first small apartment together. The family-owned book seller Sousuke liked to say he struck gold at. The ice cream shop he'd take the children to.
Kaname caught herself again. She kept falling into the trap of thinking and reacting as if Sousuke was dead, and would never return home. If she wasn't doing that, she was trying to shake off the feeling of shock, the unwillingness of her mind to let her admit that things were any different than usual. She wanted to scream. She felt out of touch with reality and wanted to break free. Her denial led her into a session of bargaining with both God and Fate. There was a whole list of things she was willing to change, willing to sacrifice, if only Sousuke would return safe and sound.
She would be going into work late that afternoon, as she had her final OB/GYN obstetrical appointment to keep. Sitting in the waiting room, she looked at the other expectant mothers. They all seemed so cheerful, so fortunate. She couldn't imagine that any of THEM had any hardships to deal with. She felt isolated and alone. She couldn't look at the women who had been accompanied by their husbands.
While she waited, she picked up a scratched and battered children's version of Aesop's fables. She teared slightly. They had a more complete version at home, and Sousuke had been reading to the children from it nightly, just before he had left on his mission. She could hear his voice then, reading exercpts from 'The Tortoise and The Hare,' 'The Wolf In Sheep's Clothing,' and 'The Grasshopper and The Ants.' Of course, after explaining the main moral of each story, her husband had the habit of bringing in examples from military history or current events.
Slow and steady wins the race. Or, so the moral to one of the more common tales went. She was doing what she could. She was hanging in there. But she hadn't won anything! Sousuke had NOT come back home. The facts were daunting---they threatened to kidnap and murder her faith, leaving it lifeless in some gutter. The mission was long over due. There was no word from him or about him. With persistant calling, she had finally been told that two back-up teams from different subs had been sent in. She could do the math. The answer suggested a catastrophic failure by the initial team. In all likelihood, that meant her children would be without a father.
She had been Kaname Chidori before she became Kaname Sagara. Kaname Chidori had been resilent and resourceful. She had NOT been a quitter. A change of name...years with a kind and dependable soulmate...two-and-a-fraction children...none of that could wash away her foundation. Once again, she was able to escape from the melancholy that threatened to suffocate her.
Kaname remembered a parable Sousuke had once told the children, similar in some ways to one of Aesop's fables, but with an entirely different message.
The Tortoise challened Achilles to a race, claiming that he was certain to win as long as Achillesg gave him a head start. Achilles laughted at that, of course, for he was a mighty warrior and exceeding swift of foot. The tortoise, on the other hand, was heavy and slow.
"How big a head start do you want?" Achilles asked the Tortoise, trying to hide his smile.
"Ten meters," the reptile replied. "That should prove sufficient."
Achilles couldn'thelp himself. He burst out with laughter. "You will surely lose, friend, if that is all the head start you have. But, let us race, if you wish it."
"On the contrary," the Tortoise said confidently. "I will win...and I can prove it to you by means of a simple argument."
"Go on with it, then" Achilles replied, feeling somewhat less confident than before. He knew that he was the superior athlete, but he also knew that the Tortoise had the sharper wits. Achilles had lost many a bewildering argument to the Tortoise before this.
"Suppose," began the Tortoise "that you gave me a ten meter head start. Would you say that you could cover that distance between us very quickly?"
"Very quickly!" stated Achilles.
"And in that time, how far ahead should I have gone, do you think?"
"Perhaps a meter---definitely no more than that" Achilles said after a moment of thought.
"Very well" said the Tortoise, "now there is a meter between us. And you would no doubt catch up that distance very quickly?"
"Yes. Very quickly indeed!"
"And yet, in that time, I shall have gone a little further, so now you have to make up that distance, yes?"
"Hmmm. Y-e-s-s-s" Achilles said slowly.
"And while you are doing so, I shall have gone a little way farther, so that you must catch up the new distance" the Tortoise continued smoothly.
Achilles said nothing.
"And you see, in each moment you must be catching up the distance between us...and yet I---at the very same time---will be adding a new distance, however small, for you to catch up again."
"Indeed. It must indeed be so" Achilles said wearily.
"And so, you can never catch up!" the Tortoise concluded, sympathetically.
"You are right as always" Achilles conceded.
Kaname shook her head, smiling ever so slightly. Even though he was not there, the memory of Sousuke had something to teach her. What an amazing man. How fortunate she and the chlidren were. The Tortoise's argument had been brilliant, seemingly faultless from the point of view of pure logic. In reality, the argument would be proven false. The same could be said for her argument that she was most likely a widow.
"Mrs. Sagara, the doctor will see you now."
Those were the words that Kaname had been waiting for. The check up went well from a medical perspective. The baby's heart rate was strong and regular. He--the child--was oriented for a vertex birth. Kaname was two days past the EDC based on the LMP by dates, but she had been about a week late with both Tomoe and Moto. Her vital signs and physical exam were unremarkable.
While talking with Dr. Koemon, Kaname had broken down into involuntary sobbing. With sufficient coaxing, she explained her dilemma in a nonspecific manner. The doctor was sympathetic, and suggested possible options. She could see a counsellor, if she felt the need. He could prescribe a tranquilzer that would pose no harm to the baby. Anti-Depressants were out of the equation, as it would take weeks before they started to be effective. She would be nursing her child at that time...and hopefully, her problem would have long since been corrected.
When she felt able, she drove home. She thought about calling Kyouko, but did not want to deal with anyone at that time.
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Kaname felt exhausted---physically, mentally, and emotionally. But, the children were finally in their PJs and in the lengthy process of settling in for the evening events. She would join them as soon as she put away the dishes and put aside her latest thoughts of today.
Time at work had gone smooth from a business standpoint. She had handed in too assignments and made good headway on a third. That is, until she received a phone call from Cmdr. Naha at the JSDF base. He was concerned about Sousuke, noting that he had been expected back at the training center that morning. Kaname gave him a brief rundown of the situation, as Sousuke's boss was one of the few men in the JSDF that knew of Mithril's existence. He had been very sympathetic, offering to send over military personell if she found herself in serious need.
It had felt good to talk with someone who was aware of things she otherwise had to keep secret and hidden. Still, her carefully constructed fascade crumbled, and she was unable to maintain sufficient focus to do any further effective research or writing. She finished off the work day by doing mindless busy work. It had to get done sooner or later, any way.
Dinner had gone well, both in the preparation and the eating. Moto refrained from further lessons in geography and Tomoe decided to practice her most effective facial expressions at a later time.
Kaname stopped in her reminiscence a moment, realizing that she had forgotten what she had just cooked and eaten no more than twenty minutes ago.
Her memory snapped back and she let out a sigh of relief. That sigh changed horses in the middle of the stream, morphing into a sigh of sadness. Her eyes had fallen on the picture of Sousuke, Kyouko, Shinji, and herself that she kept on the ledge above the sink. Photographs were proving to be a trouble today.
The most difficult issue she had been faced with was the simple walk from the front door to the kitchen. The children had sped ahead of her, seemingly absent a single care in this world. Walking through the entry hall, she had been accosted one after another by pictures of Sousuke near a JSDF Arm Slave...Sousuke, herself, and the children at the zoo...Sousuke, Kurz, and Melissa...Sousuke holding her, with her holding one week old Moto...two year old Tomoe sitting on her father's knee. The living room wasn't much better. There were plenty of smaller photgraphs on tables, shelves, and walls.
Kaname made an effort to meet the enemy on the ground of HER choosing. She decidedthat she would take out her photo album after the children were safely in bed. She had spent so much time mourning Sousuke's absence, she felt like she needed to ballance things out the best way she could.
Kaname allowed the children an extra thirty minutes of television while she leafed through her photo albums. She didn't approve of the cartoon violence, but there is only so much a parent can protect her children from. Normally, this time on a Monday night would have been reserved for a chapter from the Art Of War or a short film on tactics from Sousuke's exhaustive video collection. Kaname had not yet been qualified by her husband to offer insights into those topics.
When she closed the photograph album and looked up, tears half-way down her neck, she was taken aback. Tomoe and Moto were sitting quietly at the end of the bed smiling, looking at Moto's watch.
"I win, Moto. Told you. One minute til Mama saw us."
Kaname stared at her self-satisfied offspring. How had they done that???
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Kaname pulled back her comforter and fluffed her pillows. The little sweethearts are finally tucked in and on the fast train to dreamland. She had told them a very short story based on the Wizard of Oz. The story had a heroine name Melissa...her small dog Kurz...a tin man named Mardukas...a scarecrow named Greta...their companion Gordon, a brave lion...a wizard named Kalinin...a host of flying monkeys...and a wicked witch named Tessa.
"Mama, why are so many bad ladies named Tessa in stories?"
"Yes, Mother. Tessa OR Teletha...."
"Well, you two, I can only guess that their mothers liked those names."
She hadn't felt like leaving them their bedside just yet. For some reason, she thought back to Aesop's fables. She could carry on that tradition for Sousuke. It was her job to hold down the fort as best she could.
She had stuck her finger randomly into the book, selecting the tale for that evening. Page 30. "The Donkey's shadow"
A traveler who had to cross a desert plain hired a donkey to carry him on the journey, and offered the donkey's owner a good sum of money to act as a guide. They set out early in the morning, the traveler riding on the donkey and his guide walking alongside. Soon they had left all greenery behind, and as the sun rose higher and higher into the sky, the heat scorched their skins and parched their throats.
At last the traveler called a halt. Since there was no other shade, he threw himself down to rest on the donkey's shadow.
"What right do you have to that shade?" protested the guide. "Move over---that is MY place to rest!"
"CHEAT!" yelled the traveler angrily. "Didn't I pay you for the use of your donkey all day long?"
"You paid me for the donkey, that's true." retorted the guide, "but you never paid for his shadow!"
As they argued, neither remembered to keep hold of the donkey's reins. Frightened by the shouting, the donkey took to its heels and ran off across the desert, leaving the two men with no shade to rest in and no beast to ride.
MORAL: WE LOSE WHAT REALLY MATTERS WHEN WE QUARREL OVER SOMETHING WORTHLESS.
That moral resonated within Kaname, until she felt as if she were about to explode. She recalled in only too much detail---exagerating things to a point where she didn't know where the truth ended and her conscience's fantasies began---her final argument with Sousuke, the morning of his departure. The house had rung with her voice, while Sousuke had remained calm and determined. Kyouko had taken the children in to school, so there was no one there to act as a muffler for Kaname.
Sousuke had given little ground, feeling he gave out more information than he should. His reward had been a tongue-lashing, with Kaname claiming that his breaking of protocol by even a little bit removed any further need for secrecy. In the end, a pained look in his eyes, Sousuke had left Kaname with a number of clues to work through: the word 'wormwood'...a Biblical reference [Revelations 8:9-11]...a web address...and a circle drawn on the family globe with her lipstick, highlighting the Crimean peninsula.
As his next to last words, he told her why he had to go. The new Arm Slaves---the AEG-1 Aegis---were needed. Only four people could currently interface with the six new machines: Sousuke, Melissa, and two people Kaname did not know.
Sousuke's final words had beem "I love you. Watch after the children for me. I will return as soon as I am able." As Kaname had turned her back to him, he kissed the back of her head, shouldered his duffel bag, and headed out the door.
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