[FIC] Waiting Is The Hardest part (part 2 of 4)
Posted: Tue Dec 02, 2003 5:07 am
TUESDAY
The first time that Kaname woke up early that morning, she had been struck by an overwhelming sense of disappointment. She had been 'sleeping with ghosts,' as she called it. She hadn't realized she was fantasizing. She had convinced herself that her arms were snuggly around Sousuke, pulling him against her spoon fashion.
A loud noise down on the street had awakened her. She realized that she had been dreaming.
The second time that Kaname was chased out of her slumber, it had been by panic. She had awakened from a nightmare, heart racing, breath coming in ragged gasps. She told herself it had only been a nightmare. She had seen Sousuke, his outline blurred by an intense light in front of him. His image became smaller and smaller as he walked towards that incandescent glow, hand held by a shadowy figure leading him. Sousuke disappeared into the light, but the other figure turned and spoke to her. With a laugh, it had said "He's ours now. Find another if you like. It is no concern to us." Somehow, she had known that the shadow's name had been Wormwood.
Wormwood.
That had been the word on the fax. "WORMWOOD HAZARD." It had been one of the clues that Sousuke had left her to research. She had found the name when she read the Biblical reference he had given her.
REVELATIONS 8:9-11
And a third part of the creatures that were in the sea, and had life, died...
And there fell a great star from heaven, burning as if it were a lamp, and it fell upon a third part of the rivers and upon the fountains of waters.
The name of the star was Wormwood: and, a third part of the rivers became Wormwood, and many men died of the waters because they were made bitter.
Wormwood. She thought she had figured out what that meant to Sousuke---to the entire world for that matter. His other clues had provided enough background for Kaname to piece together a very frightening scenario. She was too tired to go over that again, now. She was too much on edge, aware that the feeling of panic could return at any moment,
She was already exhausted. She needed desperately to get as much sleep as possible.
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Kaname felt as if she were trying to surf a tidal wave of emotions. Fear. Anxiety. Guilt. Relief. Hate. Compassion. Anger. Sadness. Love. Shame. Disgust. Confusion. They carried her where she did not want to go, impacting hard with the reality and responsibilities around her, threatening to wash over her children, her job, her entire life. When the rush and the tide receded, two strong forces wrestled for control of her: depression and panic.
Sousuke. Where was Sousuke?
She had dropped Tomoe off at Day care, planning to return at noon to see the presentation the children were putting together. Only moments after she had left the parking lot, she felt compelled to call the Center, to see if Tomoe was still there, still safe. She held off from making the call. She had a similar uncontrollable rush of anxiety when she walked Moto drectly into his classroom. Palpatations. Sweating. Shortness of breath. Chest pain. It was so bad that she momentarily feared for her health...for her unborn baby's health. She was strongly tempted by her OB's offer of tranquilizers, but fought that impulse. She had not fallen prey to the enticement of the bottle. She would not give into little pills.
She arrived at work at half past 9 o'clock. There was a meeting of freelance writers scheduled for ten o'clock. She remembered at eleven o'clock. She had gone for coffee four times. One cup had made it to her desk. One was in the ladies room. One was by the copier. And one sat on the counter top near the coffee machine. She had left papers on the Xerox machine. It took her twenty minutes to find her keys. Distracted by a phone call, she forgot why she wanted her keys. With barely a moment to spare, she remembered Tomoe's skit.
Where was her husband? Was he still alive?
Kaname made it in time to the Day Care Center, walking in just as the senior assistant was announcing the nature of the day's skit, a small sample of Journey to the west, tailored to the young actors. There was still time to retrieve her camera, which she had left in the car. After sitting down, she realized that she needed film. She made it back to her seat just as the lights dimmed.
Tomoe had the choice role as Sun Wukong, the Monkey King, most popular of Wu Cheng's characters. Her daughter looked so sure of herself, so composed, that Kaname remained entranced even as she fumbled to put the film in the camera. At first, she could think only of Tomoe. She was safe! Kaname was so relieved. Smiling out of pride and love, she took two rolls worth of pictures, the last one and one half rolls after she remembered to turn the flash on.
Yes, that part in the skit was perfect for Tomoe, whom she and Sousuke often referred to as their 'little monkey.' Kaname wanted to focus on her daughter, becasue this was her day, her event. She felt anxious, and her mind jumped from thought to thought. She remembered a short educational flier that she had received, describing the facts and story behind the play. The character of the Monkey King, Sun Wukong, was thought to be based on the Hindu god Hanuman, who had been born to a beautiful monkey and the god Vayu. His traits had included unwavering dedication to righteousness; unstinting performance of entrusted duties; and unending loyalty to his leaders. Those characteristics all described Sousuke.
When Tomoe---as the Monkey King---stole the Peaches of Immortality, Kaname wished that she could share some with her father. When Monkey swiped Lord Tzu's Pills of Indestructiblity, Kaname wanted to take them to Sousuke herself. When Buddha defeated Monkey and placed the incorrigable troublemaker into the mountain, Kaname wept. When Sun Wukong redeemed himself, and earned the exalted title of teacher, Kaname stood and applauded while everyone else remained seated.
If their daughter could overcome adversity, couldn't Sousuke?
There was a small reception after the skit, where parents could view their children's art work and other projects. Refreshments were served. Mrs. Mihuro made the serious tactical mistake of asking Tomoe help ferry out the snacks. When Kaname frisked her daughter, she found every possible pocket and clothing space crammed full of cookies, wrapped candy, and pretzels. Tomoe felt quite vindicated when she mentioned that she would keep half for herself...give the smaller half to Moto...and give another half to Mama.
The director of the play sought out Kaname to tell her just how impressed he was by Tomoe's acting ability at such a young age. He asked Kaname if she would like her daughter to play a lead role in a preschool version of The Arabian Nights. Kaname politely thanked him for his interest, and said that she would get back to him after giving the matter some thought. The conversation already had her thinking back to some of the research she had done on the internet, following up on Sousuke's clues.
Turkey... Syria... Iraq... Jordan... Israel... Saudi Arabia... Yemen... Oman.. .United Arab Emirates... Qatar... Bahrain... Kuwait... they were amonst the nations that would be the hardest hit if the threat could not be stopped.
Kaname didn't care just how many nations faced ruin. None of them meant anything to her. Sousuke meant everything.
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The sound of the car door closing could be heard half-way across the large parking deck. If the automobile could feel pain, it would be cringing at Kaname's feet, whimpering for mercy. The engine had sounded a hair's breadth away from stalling as Kaname had pulled into the only available parking space, the one furthest from the elevators.
Kaname cursed to the high heavens, not caring if anone was listening. She did NOT need this now. The car had given her fits at Day Care, sounding very rough for before the engine had settled in and she began settling down. There was never a convenient time to have car troubles---she could not think of a more anxiety provoking problem that she could add to the week's list. She strode off towards work, sparing the automobile one further scowl.
Walking into the building lobby, Kaname caught the tail end of a conversation between a guard and a janitor:
"Just what the world needs, another war!" the sanitation engineer quipped.
"It's not really a war. It's more like a civil disturbance...or a terrorist action...something like that" the guard insisted.
"Whatever it is, at least it's nowhere near here" the janitor added.
"Amen to that. I have battles enough when I get home at night!"
The guard tried to laugh things off, but Kaname could catch a quick flash of painful reality in his voice. She stopped walking for a moment, held back by a memory. She and Sousuke had fought before he left. She wished more than anything that they hadn't. It might not make any difference in how his mission went, but the fact that they had not parted on the best of terms lay heavy on her heart.
"Kaname! There you are. Everyone was looking for you." Aki Sakamura, a receptionist in the office, sounded winded. "I saw you coming. I wanted to catch you before he left. There was a man in a uniform here to see you. I'll run out front and see if I can catch him before he gets in a taxi." She ran off, wobbling on heels that were too high for sprinting.
What did this mean? It couldn't be good news. Could it be someone from Mithril? If it was, Kaname could think of only one reason that someone would show up to speak with her face to face. She started to shiver, feeling a chill pass through her. Perhaps it was someone from the JSDF base instead. But, why would someone from there come here? The feelings of panic came back in force. Fight or flight. She felt like running somewhere. Anywhere!
When Aki returned, she was leading Cmdr. Tetsuzo Naha of the JSDF.
"Thank you for your kindness, Miss" Cmdr. Naha said to Aki as she turned, curtsied, and headed back to the office area. Looking at Kaname, he continued in a strong but subdued voice. "Is there somewhere we can talk privately for a few moments, Kaname?" He caught her look---and the rigidity of her posture---correctly predicting her concerns. "It's in regards to Sousuke, but I have no word on his condition."
Kaname placed her hand over her chest, then fought back the tears. "Yes, Commander. I'll show you the way." Kaname led the JSDF soldier to a small conference room, after checking with the logbook to be certain it was not scheduled for a meeting any time soon. When they were both seated, she spoke again, feeling somewhat more in control. "It must be something important, for you to come out her to see me...."
"Yes. But it was also something I did not want to speak of over the telephone. I was hoping I would catch you before you saw the news and started looking for answers that might have proven very hard to find. Mithril got word to me just before they instituted a communications lockdown."
Kaname remembered the conversation she overheard on the way in. Mithril was likely involved with something big, and no doubt it had to do with the Ukraine. The Crimean Peninsula. "The Ukraine?" Kaname asked. "Mithril was there, protecting the water supply to a large part of the globe. Does this mean that things have escalated?"
Cmdr. Naha stroked his chin momentarily before answering. "I seems you know certain details I do not. However, I know better than to pursue such information, especially in an a place such as this. Did you see the news?"
"No, I heard two men talking about a new struggle somewhere, but they were no more specific than that. I had won precious few concessions from Sousuke, who plays things much too close to the collar for my liking. I knew he was headed to the Ukraine." Kaname's panic had subsided. She was going to learn something.
"I see. In that case, I will tell you what I myself was told. To the outside world, the Ukraine would have appeared a relatively stable nation. Backed by the United States, the government had adopted a new constitution a number of years back. The ratification of thaose changes was delayed by various disagreements. Many parties considered it a coup of sorts. The President, Prime Minister, the legislative authority known as the Verkhovna Rada, and the Council of the Minister were all at odds behind the scene, a huge rift growing across the ranks of governement personnel in all of the provinces, including the autonomous republic of Crimea.
Factor into all of that the Crimean Tartars. They had been kicked out by Stalin, sent into exile in cental Asia more than sixty years ago. When they returned to Crimea twenty years ago, they were ecstatic to be home. However, as demonstrations in the Crimean capitol of Simferopol showed over the past few years, they still have not been given Ukranian citizenship, and they have no vote. They may have be outnumbered ten-to-one by regional Russians and Ukranians, but they remain determined. They found huge sums of money somewhere, and have been buying out more and more government and military officials.
From what I understand, Crimea is looking to become a separate state, prompted or supported by an outside shadow group. Soldiers loyal to that province and loyal to the Tartars have taken up arms. By all accounts, the terrorist action tha Mithril was hired to deal with has been complicated not only by your husband and his comrades, but also by the uprising, which had been set in motion to cover up the more significant activities that I am not privy to. Because of Mithril's actions and the delay they caused, EVERYONE is caught up in the maelstrom." Cmdr. Naha stopped to catch his breath, looking at Kaname to see if she had anything she wanted to add, or felt compelled to ask.
"Are you telling me that Sousuke will be in danger from Ukrainian soldiers and Crimean separists IN ADDITION TO the forces he had already been fighting?" Kaname's anger at Fate was building rapidly.
"Yes." His reply was short and simple, but one further fact brought a look of concern to his face. It was a subtle crook to the corner of his mouth, but Kaname was experienced enough to catch it.
"What else?"
"Mithril informed me that one of the back-up squads had found the remnants of a large scale AS battle. Twenty Soviet-made advanced models of unknown allegiance littered the ground. They formed a ring around three Mithril Aegis Arm Slaves, one of which was totalled by enemy fire, with the remaining two showing signs of self-destruct detonations." He paused, but the truth was already in his eyes.
"Sousuke's Arm Slave?" Kaname found herself holding her breath
"One of those that self destructed. No bodies were located. I'm sorry. I know nothing more than that." After offering words of encouragement, Cmdr. Naha repated his pledge of assistance should Kaname need it. A driver. A baby sitter. A military ride to the hospital. Whatever.
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Sitting at her deak, Kaname was busy deleting files she didn't need, intent on clearing up room on her hard drive. She paused, seeing the name "Wormwood" on one folder. It was not sensitive data. It wasn't even pertinent to her eventual discoveries, unless the name of the star in the book of Revelations came from Artemisia Absinthium, the Wormwood shrub.
She looked at her notes:
Artemesia was the wife AND sister of the Greek/Persian King Mausolous from whose name we got the word mausoleum. The genus Artemesia was named after her, and comprises over 400 plants. Artemesia had been---for all extensive purposes---a botanist and a medical researcher. Many of the plant varieties named after her had insecticidal properties, with Wormwood being the most potent.
In a less toxic form, Roman Wormwood is used to flavor Vermouth and Campari.
Wormwood had been used for centuries as a moth repellent and as a spray to repel slugs and snails. Before its toxicity was understood, it had been used as a worming medicine for men and animals.
Kaname smiled for a brief moment. 'Men' and 'animals.' Obviously, women were too smart to drink the stuff!
It was rumored that Vincent Van Gogh was imbibing of absinthe---an alcoholic beverage flavored with wormwood and illegal in most countries---when he lopped off his ear to send it to a woman.
Kaname filed that knowledge in the "useless information...test Sousuke on it later" part of her brain. It did serve to emphasize an important lesson to her. It didn't pay to rush to conclusions, or to put all of her hopes or fears into any single fact or lead. The world was NOT in danger of catastrophic deworming. The slugs and snails of the Southern Hemisphere could sleep easy at night.
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She had cleaned up her computer. She had called and made an appointment to have her car looked at. She had ordered a series of articles and references on her next assignment topic. Kaname felt like she was turning the corner on her panic attacks. Of course, depressiom was waiting for her around that very same corner. It figured! Solve one problem and another takes its place. Conquer one emotion, and prepare for the next. Kaname realized just how much Sousuke meant to her. While she had been faced with countless problems in the past, none of them had felt unsurmountable when she knew that Sousuke would be waiting for her when she got home.
Signs of a large AS battle. Aegis Arm Slaves with signs of self-destruct detonations. No bodies were located. No sign of Sousuke.
She shook herself, like an animal trying to shake off dirt or dust. She wanted to shake off her malaise, shake off the feeling of helplessness and hopelessness. She had faced dangers in North Korea. She had been close to death on the TDD-1. She had been held prisoner by a crazed man and the megalomaniacs he served. She had survived the years that she had thought Sousuke lost at sea. She could face this.
There was nothing Kaname could do about the physiologic component of her depression. She could, however, work on her conscious choices and reactions. It would certainly be possible to teach herself better ways to think and to act. Something like that usually takes time, but she did not have the luxury of time. Her baby was not going to wait much longer. Her children were not going to hibernate until her emotional winter was over. Thinking about shaking things off, she grinned for a brief moment, remembering another parable Sousuke had told the children. He was becoming a wealth of such insight. He continued to prepare for fatherhood with the same throuroughness he used for missions.
A mule had fallen into the farmer's well. It was an old mule, the least of the farmers animals. The farmer had heard the mule braying in distress and had come running.
After carefully assessing the situation, the farmer sympathized with the mule, but decided that neither the mule nor the well was worth the trouble of saving.
Instead, the farmer called his neighbors together and told them what had happened. He enlisted their help in hauling dirt to bury the old mule in the well and put him out of his misery. Initially, the mule was hysterical.
But, as the farmer and his neighbors continued shoveling and dirt hit his back, a thought occured to him. It suddenly dawned on him that every time a shovel load of dirt landed on his back he could shake it off and step up on it.
This he did, blow after blow. "Shake it off and step on up... sahke it off and step on up... shake it off and step on up..." he repeated to encourage himself. No matter how painful the blows, or how distressing the situation seemed, the old mule fought his panic and just kept shaking things off and stepping on up.
It wasn't long before the old mule---battered and exhausted as he was---stepped triumphantly out of the well. What had seemed like it was going to bury him had actually blessed him, all because of the manner in which he had handled his adversity.
That's life. If we face our problems and respond to them positively---and refuse to give in to panic, bitterness, or self-pity---who knows what we might be able to accomplish.
When it rains...it pours. If the mule had been faced with the downpour Kaname continued to face, it would have drowned before getting out of that well.
Kaname would have ample opportunity to challenge her new resolve. Mrs. Nakamura at the Day Care Center called. She was an instructor who doubled as the facility nurse. Tomoe was injured. She had surprised everyone by scampering up a tall tree like a squirrel before anyone could stop her. Coming down, she had fallen a considerable distance, landing awkwardly. Her foot was very swollen and she was in considerable pain.
When she hung up the phone, Kaname felt numb. The effects of her silent pep talk had disappeared soon after she had heard the word 'fall.' She felt as if she was held down by heavy weights, unable to move, unable to leave her chair. Why? Why now? Why her daughter? Hadn't Kaname suffered enough already?
Fortunately, Kaname was able to reach Kyouko at school. Kyouko would take Moto home with her, feed him, and turn him loose with her own small brood. She'd keep him overnight if Kaname liked, bringing him to school with her in the morning. If Kaname wanted, Kyouko would bring her and Tomoe something to eat when she came by to pick up Moto's clothes for tomorrow.
Kaname thanked Kyouko, feeling blessed to have such a dependable and steadfast friend. Her spirits hadn't lifted, but she had one less worry to deal with at the moment.
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It had broken Kaname's heart to see Tomoe in such pain. Her heel area was swollen and discolored. She could not put any weight on her foot and cried whenever anyone touched it. The car was again inconsiderate, threatening to quit once again---in spite of that, she and her daughter made it to the hospital Emergency Room with no difficulty.
Fortune had decided to be merciful, smiling on Kaname briefly. The wait was not overly long. Only an hour and a half. The doctor who saw her---a gray-haired gentleman in his mid 50s---was very friendly and very frank. He suspected a fracture of the heel bone rather than a simple ankle sprain or soft tissue injury. They would need to do a series of X-rays---pending the findings on the radiographs, they might need to do a CT scan or MRI. Surgery was a possibility, but would not be performed today unless the injury was of a severity rarely seen in young children.
Kaname had been allowed to accompany Tomoe into X-ray, an opportunity she greatly appreciated. She was feeling very isolated now, her fears of abandonment peaking again. It would have been very difficult at the moment if she had to watch Tomoe pushed away from her in a wheelchair.
Sousuke. Where was Sousuke?
After the procedure, she and Tomoe sat by themselves in a small examination room. Tomoe wanted a story. When asked what she wanted to hear about, she answered "Daddy." Kaname complied, telling her daughter things about her father that they hadn't spoken of before. His life in Afghanistan, sanitized to fit a child's perspective. His time with her at Jindai highschool, and how they had gotten off to a rocky start. His rescues of her, told along the lines of a hero rescuing a maiden in distess. His eventual courtship of her. Their marriage, and the arrival of the children into their lives. Tomoe remained very quiet, picking up on her mother's mood. She did not ask her usual myriad of questions.
When the doctor returned with the results of the X-rays, there was good news and bad news. The good news was that Tomoe would not require surgery, and that she would not require additional imaging tests. For tonight, all she would require was ice packs, compression dressings, and strict bedrest. The bad news was that she had a compression fracture of the calcaneus, an injury not uncommon after a fall on the foot from a great height. Fortunately it did not involve an articular surface, and a similar injury was not seen in the opposite foot. Once the swelling went down, she would need to see an orthopedist for a non-weight bearing short leg cast, which would need to stay on for at least one week. She would need crutches. In two weeks she would be fitted with a temporary surgical shoe. Kaname tried to look on the bright side. Things could have been much worse.
Where was her husband? Was he injured too?
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Carrying Tomoe through the door into the apartment, Kaname was glad to be home. She still suffered from the physical signs of distress---head ache, tightness in her throat, and an uneay stomach. But, that should start to improve. She hoped.
Tomoe was very upset. Not at her injury---it was as if she had forgotten about that altogether. She was infuriated that her brother wasn't there to hear about her adventure first hand. He didn't have a swollen foot. He didn't get to go to the hospital. He didn't get to have pictures taken of his bones. He didn't get a lollipop from the nurse. He didn't get a drive-through icecream cone. Raspberry sherbet!!!
Tomoe became even more upset when she learned that she couldn't do her usual Tuesday night routine. There would be no kendo training. It wasn't fair. She KNEW she could do it standing on one foot! Her mother was just being mean. DADDY would have let her do it!
Normally, Kaname would not put up with even a minute of tantrum. But, she was feeling listless and drained. She didn't seem to have the energy or motivation to curb her daughter's verbal crescendo. A look at the counter top saved her, providing her with a solution. The cocoa tin. The plastic barrel with the finger paints. Hearing that she could have hot cocoa AND whipped cream, Tomoe quickly defervesced. Learning that her mother would finger paint with her, she decided that she had the best Mama in the whole world.
The cocoa went well. There were no spills, slops, or drops. No cups were broken. Tomoe's bed clothes remained clean.
After placing her apron on her daughter, Kaname placed some newspaper on the kitchen table, grabbed some sketching paper, and unscrewed the tops on the paint bottles. Tomoe went right to work, cranking out masterpiece after masterpiece, coloring the apron and the newspaper in the process. A picture of Tomoe in a tree. A picture of Tomoe falling from a tree. A picture of her father catching her at the foot of the tree. A picture of a hospital. A picture of her father teaching her kendo. A kitten. A kitten in a tree. A picture of a kitten in a hospital. A picture of her father reading her and her brother a story. A picture of her father teaching a kitten kendo. A picture of the entire family, sans kitten.
Her paint-covered face and hands imitating a rainbow, Tomoe did not look like the usual art critic. That did not stop her from savagely critiquing her mother's work:
"Mother, that looks like a white-footed ferret, not a cat....
"Mother, Daddy does NOT smile when he is hit with a halisen...
"Mother, those are not the colors in a rainbow...
"Mother, the moon is a quarter crescent tonight...
"Mother, Daddy is taller than you...
"Mother, why does Moto get to hold Daddy's hand. That's my job on Tuesday...
"Mother, the HBD-5 does NOT have a pointed head....
Being a thoughtful child, Tomoe did not want to leave her mother bereft of any kind words. "I REALLY like that one, Mama." She pointed to one picture that had resulted from Kaname knocking over one bottle of paint, smearing her hand across the page before she had realized what she had done.
When her mother did not say anything in reply, Tomoe knew exactly what to do. "Mama, when someone compliments you...you are supposed to say 'Thank you.' " Her look was very intense, not playful.
"Thank you, sweetheart."
"You're welcome."
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After Kyouko had left---Tomoe forceably detached from her lap---Kaname was able to tuck her daughter into bed. Since she and Tomoe had eaten at the hospital, Kaname placed Kyouko's care package in the refrigerator. One less meal to cook tomorrow! Kaname felt sad not being able to see Moto before he went to bed. But, it provided her the opportunity to spend some time alone with her injured daughter.
Tomoe's eyes were droopy, so she was given the choice of a story, an Aesop's fable, or a few moments with the riddle book. Tomoe chose the fable. She wanted to be the one to randomly pick the story. Instead of sticking her finger in the book the way her mother had the night before, she resorted to her own method. She threw the book up against the ceiling, waiting to see what page it opened to. Page 60. 'The Astrologer.'
"Mama...could you read the story with more feeling tonight...the way that Daddy does?" Kaname almost dropped the book. Even after their years of marriage, Kaname would not consider Sousuke to be the most expressive person she knew. She must sound pretty flat these days.
A man learned to observe the movements of the stars in order to predict the future. He soon became famous as an astrologer, and peopel traveled for miles around to pay for his advice.
One evening, this man was walking along the road, his eyes fixed on the heavens and what great fortune he saw there. But meanwhile, he paid no heed to the path, and before he knew it he had tumbled head over heels into a pit of muddy water.
His neighbors heard his shouts and came running. But when they saw who had fallen into the hole, they had no pity. "he can predict the future, but he couldn't foresee this!" one of them cried.
And another, helping the man up, told him "You'd better spend less time watching the stars, and more time watching your feet!"
THE MORAL: DON'T NEGLECT SMALL THINGS WHEN THINKING OF GREAT ONES
After she had finished explaining the message of the story to her daughter, Kaname told her two more fables. When she finished the moral to the third tale, she noticed that Tomoe was fast asleep. She looked so angelic, so peaceful.
Once again, Kaname could find a way to apply the moral of one of the tales. She HAD been neglecting the little things. No, not the children; rather, the sundry details. The garbage needed to be taken out. The dishes needed to be put away. The video collection needed to go from the floor to the shelf. The plants were drooping. Cobwebs were growing. Dustbunnies were multiplying. Those were all things that Sousuke usually took care of, lending her a hand during her pregnancy.
She could take care of some of those things tonight, but she was yawning enough to know better than to push things. Still, the idea was attractive---she dreaded going to sleep in that big and empty bed.
The first time that Kaname woke up early that morning, she had been struck by an overwhelming sense of disappointment. She had been 'sleeping with ghosts,' as she called it. She hadn't realized she was fantasizing. She had convinced herself that her arms were snuggly around Sousuke, pulling him against her spoon fashion.
A loud noise down on the street had awakened her. She realized that she had been dreaming.
The second time that Kaname was chased out of her slumber, it had been by panic. She had awakened from a nightmare, heart racing, breath coming in ragged gasps. She told herself it had only been a nightmare. She had seen Sousuke, his outline blurred by an intense light in front of him. His image became smaller and smaller as he walked towards that incandescent glow, hand held by a shadowy figure leading him. Sousuke disappeared into the light, but the other figure turned and spoke to her. With a laugh, it had said "He's ours now. Find another if you like. It is no concern to us." Somehow, she had known that the shadow's name had been Wormwood.
Wormwood.
That had been the word on the fax. "WORMWOOD HAZARD." It had been one of the clues that Sousuke had left her to research. She had found the name when she read the Biblical reference he had given her.
REVELATIONS 8:9-11
And a third part of the creatures that were in the sea, and had life, died...
And there fell a great star from heaven, burning as if it were a lamp, and it fell upon a third part of the rivers and upon the fountains of waters.
The name of the star was Wormwood: and, a third part of the rivers became Wormwood, and many men died of the waters because they were made bitter.
Wormwood. She thought she had figured out what that meant to Sousuke---to the entire world for that matter. His other clues had provided enough background for Kaname to piece together a very frightening scenario. She was too tired to go over that again, now. She was too much on edge, aware that the feeling of panic could return at any moment,
She was already exhausted. She needed desperately to get as much sleep as possible.
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Kaname felt as if she were trying to surf a tidal wave of emotions. Fear. Anxiety. Guilt. Relief. Hate. Compassion. Anger. Sadness. Love. Shame. Disgust. Confusion. They carried her where she did not want to go, impacting hard with the reality and responsibilities around her, threatening to wash over her children, her job, her entire life. When the rush and the tide receded, two strong forces wrestled for control of her: depression and panic.
Sousuke. Where was Sousuke?
She had dropped Tomoe off at Day care, planning to return at noon to see the presentation the children were putting together. Only moments after she had left the parking lot, she felt compelled to call the Center, to see if Tomoe was still there, still safe. She held off from making the call. She had a similar uncontrollable rush of anxiety when she walked Moto drectly into his classroom. Palpatations. Sweating. Shortness of breath. Chest pain. It was so bad that she momentarily feared for her health...for her unborn baby's health. She was strongly tempted by her OB's offer of tranquilizers, but fought that impulse. She had not fallen prey to the enticement of the bottle. She would not give into little pills.
She arrived at work at half past 9 o'clock. There was a meeting of freelance writers scheduled for ten o'clock. She remembered at eleven o'clock. She had gone for coffee four times. One cup had made it to her desk. One was in the ladies room. One was by the copier. And one sat on the counter top near the coffee machine. She had left papers on the Xerox machine. It took her twenty minutes to find her keys. Distracted by a phone call, she forgot why she wanted her keys. With barely a moment to spare, she remembered Tomoe's skit.
Where was her husband? Was he still alive?
Kaname made it in time to the Day Care Center, walking in just as the senior assistant was announcing the nature of the day's skit, a small sample of Journey to the west, tailored to the young actors. There was still time to retrieve her camera, which she had left in the car. After sitting down, she realized that she needed film. She made it back to her seat just as the lights dimmed.
Tomoe had the choice role as Sun Wukong, the Monkey King, most popular of Wu Cheng's characters. Her daughter looked so sure of herself, so composed, that Kaname remained entranced even as she fumbled to put the film in the camera. At first, she could think only of Tomoe. She was safe! Kaname was so relieved. Smiling out of pride and love, she took two rolls worth of pictures, the last one and one half rolls after she remembered to turn the flash on.
Yes, that part in the skit was perfect for Tomoe, whom she and Sousuke often referred to as their 'little monkey.' Kaname wanted to focus on her daughter, becasue this was her day, her event. She felt anxious, and her mind jumped from thought to thought. She remembered a short educational flier that she had received, describing the facts and story behind the play. The character of the Monkey King, Sun Wukong, was thought to be based on the Hindu god Hanuman, who had been born to a beautiful monkey and the god Vayu. His traits had included unwavering dedication to righteousness; unstinting performance of entrusted duties; and unending loyalty to his leaders. Those characteristics all described Sousuke.
When Tomoe---as the Monkey King---stole the Peaches of Immortality, Kaname wished that she could share some with her father. When Monkey swiped Lord Tzu's Pills of Indestructiblity, Kaname wanted to take them to Sousuke herself. When Buddha defeated Monkey and placed the incorrigable troublemaker into the mountain, Kaname wept. When Sun Wukong redeemed himself, and earned the exalted title of teacher, Kaname stood and applauded while everyone else remained seated.
If their daughter could overcome adversity, couldn't Sousuke?
There was a small reception after the skit, where parents could view their children's art work and other projects. Refreshments were served. Mrs. Mihuro made the serious tactical mistake of asking Tomoe help ferry out the snacks. When Kaname frisked her daughter, she found every possible pocket and clothing space crammed full of cookies, wrapped candy, and pretzels. Tomoe felt quite vindicated when she mentioned that she would keep half for herself...give the smaller half to Moto...and give another half to Mama.
The director of the play sought out Kaname to tell her just how impressed he was by Tomoe's acting ability at such a young age. He asked Kaname if she would like her daughter to play a lead role in a preschool version of The Arabian Nights. Kaname politely thanked him for his interest, and said that she would get back to him after giving the matter some thought. The conversation already had her thinking back to some of the research she had done on the internet, following up on Sousuke's clues.
Turkey... Syria... Iraq... Jordan... Israel... Saudi Arabia... Yemen... Oman.. .United Arab Emirates... Qatar... Bahrain... Kuwait... they were amonst the nations that would be the hardest hit if the threat could not be stopped.
Kaname didn't care just how many nations faced ruin. None of them meant anything to her. Sousuke meant everything.
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The sound of the car door closing could be heard half-way across the large parking deck. If the automobile could feel pain, it would be cringing at Kaname's feet, whimpering for mercy. The engine had sounded a hair's breadth away from stalling as Kaname had pulled into the only available parking space, the one furthest from the elevators.
Kaname cursed to the high heavens, not caring if anone was listening. She did NOT need this now. The car had given her fits at Day Care, sounding very rough for before the engine had settled in and she began settling down. There was never a convenient time to have car troubles---she could not think of a more anxiety provoking problem that she could add to the week's list. She strode off towards work, sparing the automobile one further scowl.
Walking into the building lobby, Kaname caught the tail end of a conversation between a guard and a janitor:
"Just what the world needs, another war!" the sanitation engineer quipped.
"It's not really a war. It's more like a civil disturbance...or a terrorist action...something like that" the guard insisted.
"Whatever it is, at least it's nowhere near here" the janitor added.
"Amen to that. I have battles enough when I get home at night!"
The guard tried to laugh things off, but Kaname could catch a quick flash of painful reality in his voice. She stopped walking for a moment, held back by a memory. She and Sousuke had fought before he left. She wished more than anything that they hadn't. It might not make any difference in how his mission went, but the fact that they had not parted on the best of terms lay heavy on her heart.
"Kaname! There you are. Everyone was looking for you." Aki Sakamura, a receptionist in the office, sounded winded. "I saw you coming. I wanted to catch you before he left. There was a man in a uniform here to see you. I'll run out front and see if I can catch him before he gets in a taxi." She ran off, wobbling on heels that were too high for sprinting.
What did this mean? It couldn't be good news. Could it be someone from Mithril? If it was, Kaname could think of only one reason that someone would show up to speak with her face to face. She started to shiver, feeling a chill pass through her. Perhaps it was someone from the JSDF base instead. But, why would someone from there come here? The feelings of panic came back in force. Fight or flight. She felt like running somewhere. Anywhere!
When Aki returned, she was leading Cmdr. Tetsuzo Naha of the JSDF.
"Thank you for your kindness, Miss" Cmdr. Naha said to Aki as she turned, curtsied, and headed back to the office area. Looking at Kaname, he continued in a strong but subdued voice. "Is there somewhere we can talk privately for a few moments, Kaname?" He caught her look---and the rigidity of her posture---correctly predicting her concerns. "It's in regards to Sousuke, but I have no word on his condition."
Kaname placed her hand over her chest, then fought back the tears. "Yes, Commander. I'll show you the way." Kaname led the JSDF soldier to a small conference room, after checking with the logbook to be certain it was not scheduled for a meeting any time soon. When they were both seated, she spoke again, feeling somewhat more in control. "It must be something important, for you to come out her to see me...."
"Yes. But it was also something I did not want to speak of over the telephone. I was hoping I would catch you before you saw the news and started looking for answers that might have proven very hard to find. Mithril got word to me just before they instituted a communications lockdown."
Kaname remembered the conversation she overheard on the way in. Mithril was likely involved with something big, and no doubt it had to do with the Ukraine. The Crimean Peninsula. "The Ukraine?" Kaname asked. "Mithril was there, protecting the water supply to a large part of the globe. Does this mean that things have escalated?"
Cmdr. Naha stroked his chin momentarily before answering. "I seems you know certain details I do not. However, I know better than to pursue such information, especially in an a place such as this. Did you see the news?"
"No, I heard two men talking about a new struggle somewhere, but they were no more specific than that. I had won precious few concessions from Sousuke, who plays things much too close to the collar for my liking. I knew he was headed to the Ukraine." Kaname's panic had subsided. She was going to learn something.
"I see. In that case, I will tell you what I myself was told. To the outside world, the Ukraine would have appeared a relatively stable nation. Backed by the United States, the government had adopted a new constitution a number of years back. The ratification of thaose changes was delayed by various disagreements. Many parties considered it a coup of sorts. The President, Prime Minister, the legislative authority known as the Verkhovna Rada, and the Council of the Minister were all at odds behind the scene, a huge rift growing across the ranks of governement personnel in all of the provinces, including the autonomous republic of Crimea.
Factor into all of that the Crimean Tartars. They had been kicked out by Stalin, sent into exile in cental Asia more than sixty years ago. When they returned to Crimea twenty years ago, they were ecstatic to be home. However, as demonstrations in the Crimean capitol of Simferopol showed over the past few years, they still have not been given Ukranian citizenship, and they have no vote. They may have be outnumbered ten-to-one by regional Russians and Ukranians, but they remain determined. They found huge sums of money somewhere, and have been buying out more and more government and military officials.
From what I understand, Crimea is looking to become a separate state, prompted or supported by an outside shadow group. Soldiers loyal to that province and loyal to the Tartars have taken up arms. By all accounts, the terrorist action tha Mithril was hired to deal with has been complicated not only by your husband and his comrades, but also by the uprising, which had been set in motion to cover up the more significant activities that I am not privy to. Because of Mithril's actions and the delay they caused, EVERYONE is caught up in the maelstrom." Cmdr. Naha stopped to catch his breath, looking at Kaname to see if she had anything she wanted to add, or felt compelled to ask.
"Are you telling me that Sousuke will be in danger from Ukrainian soldiers and Crimean separists IN ADDITION TO the forces he had already been fighting?" Kaname's anger at Fate was building rapidly.
"Yes." His reply was short and simple, but one further fact brought a look of concern to his face. It was a subtle crook to the corner of his mouth, but Kaname was experienced enough to catch it.
"What else?"
"Mithril informed me that one of the back-up squads had found the remnants of a large scale AS battle. Twenty Soviet-made advanced models of unknown allegiance littered the ground. They formed a ring around three Mithril Aegis Arm Slaves, one of which was totalled by enemy fire, with the remaining two showing signs of self-destruct detonations." He paused, but the truth was already in his eyes.
"Sousuke's Arm Slave?" Kaname found herself holding her breath
"One of those that self destructed. No bodies were located. I'm sorry. I know nothing more than that." After offering words of encouragement, Cmdr. Naha repated his pledge of assistance should Kaname need it. A driver. A baby sitter. A military ride to the hospital. Whatever.
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Sitting at her deak, Kaname was busy deleting files she didn't need, intent on clearing up room on her hard drive. She paused, seeing the name "Wormwood" on one folder. It was not sensitive data. It wasn't even pertinent to her eventual discoveries, unless the name of the star in the book of Revelations came from Artemisia Absinthium, the Wormwood shrub.
She looked at her notes:
Artemesia was the wife AND sister of the Greek/Persian King Mausolous from whose name we got the word mausoleum. The genus Artemesia was named after her, and comprises over 400 plants. Artemesia had been---for all extensive purposes---a botanist and a medical researcher. Many of the plant varieties named after her had insecticidal properties, with Wormwood being the most potent.
In a less toxic form, Roman Wormwood is used to flavor Vermouth and Campari.
Wormwood had been used for centuries as a moth repellent and as a spray to repel slugs and snails. Before its toxicity was understood, it had been used as a worming medicine for men and animals.
Kaname smiled for a brief moment. 'Men' and 'animals.' Obviously, women were too smart to drink the stuff!
It was rumored that Vincent Van Gogh was imbibing of absinthe---an alcoholic beverage flavored with wormwood and illegal in most countries---when he lopped off his ear to send it to a woman.
Kaname filed that knowledge in the "useless information...test Sousuke on it later" part of her brain. It did serve to emphasize an important lesson to her. It didn't pay to rush to conclusions, or to put all of her hopes or fears into any single fact or lead. The world was NOT in danger of catastrophic deworming. The slugs and snails of the Southern Hemisphere could sleep easy at night.
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She had cleaned up her computer. She had called and made an appointment to have her car looked at. She had ordered a series of articles and references on her next assignment topic. Kaname felt like she was turning the corner on her panic attacks. Of course, depressiom was waiting for her around that very same corner. It figured! Solve one problem and another takes its place. Conquer one emotion, and prepare for the next. Kaname realized just how much Sousuke meant to her. While she had been faced with countless problems in the past, none of them had felt unsurmountable when she knew that Sousuke would be waiting for her when she got home.
Signs of a large AS battle. Aegis Arm Slaves with signs of self-destruct detonations. No bodies were located. No sign of Sousuke.
She shook herself, like an animal trying to shake off dirt or dust. She wanted to shake off her malaise, shake off the feeling of helplessness and hopelessness. She had faced dangers in North Korea. She had been close to death on the TDD-1. She had been held prisoner by a crazed man and the megalomaniacs he served. She had survived the years that she had thought Sousuke lost at sea. She could face this.
There was nothing Kaname could do about the physiologic component of her depression. She could, however, work on her conscious choices and reactions. It would certainly be possible to teach herself better ways to think and to act. Something like that usually takes time, but she did not have the luxury of time. Her baby was not going to wait much longer. Her children were not going to hibernate until her emotional winter was over. Thinking about shaking things off, she grinned for a brief moment, remembering another parable Sousuke had told the children. He was becoming a wealth of such insight. He continued to prepare for fatherhood with the same throuroughness he used for missions.
A mule had fallen into the farmer's well. It was an old mule, the least of the farmers animals. The farmer had heard the mule braying in distress and had come running.
After carefully assessing the situation, the farmer sympathized with the mule, but decided that neither the mule nor the well was worth the trouble of saving.
Instead, the farmer called his neighbors together and told them what had happened. He enlisted their help in hauling dirt to bury the old mule in the well and put him out of his misery. Initially, the mule was hysterical.
But, as the farmer and his neighbors continued shoveling and dirt hit his back, a thought occured to him. It suddenly dawned on him that every time a shovel load of dirt landed on his back he could shake it off and step up on it.
This he did, blow after blow. "Shake it off and step on up... sahke it off and step on up... shake it off and step on up..." he repeated to encourage himself. No matter how painful the blows, or how distressing the situation seemed, the old mule fought his panic and just kept shaking things off and stepping on up.
It wasn't long before the old mule---battered and exhausted as he was---stepped triumphantly out of the well. What had seemed like it was going to bury him had actually blessed him, all because of the manner in which he had handled his adversity.
That's life. If we face our problems and respond to them positively---and refuse to give in to panic, bitterness, or self-pity---who knows what we might be able to accomplish.
When it rains...it pours. If the mule had been faced with the downpour Kaname continued to face, it would have drowned before getting out of that well.
Kaname would have ample opportunity to challenge her new resolve. Mrs. Nakamura at the Day Care Center called. She was an instructor who doubled as the facility nurse. Tomoe was injured. She had surprised everyone by scampering up a tall tree like a squirrel before anyone could stop her. Coming down, she had fallen a considerable distance, landing awkwardly. Her foot was very swollen and she was in considerable pain.
When she hung up the phone, Kaname felt numb. The effects of her silent pep talk had disappeared soon after she had heard the word 'fall.' She felt as if she was held down by heavy weights, unable to move, unable to leave her chair. Why? Why now? Why her daughter? Hadn't Kaname suffered enough already?
Fortunately, Kaname was able to reach Kyouko at school. Kyouko would take Moto home with her, feed him, and turn him loose with her own small brood. She'd keep him overnight if Kaname liked, bringing him to school with her in the morning. If Kaname wanted, Kyouko would bring her and Tomoe something to eat when she came by to pick up Moto's clothes for tomorrow.
Kaname thanked Kyouko, feeling blessed to have such a dependable and steadfast friend. Her spirits hadn't lifted, but she had one less worry to deal with at the moment.
*************************************************************
It had broken Kaname's heart to see Tomoe in such pain. Her heel area was swollen and discolored. She could not put any weight on her foot and cried whenever anyone touched it. The car was again inconsiderate, threatening to quit once again---in spite of that, she and her daughter made it to the hospital Emergency Room with no difficulty.
Fortune had decided to be merciful, smiling on Kaname briefly. The wait was not overly long. Only an hour and a half. The doctor who saw her---a gray-haired gentleman in his mid 50s---was very friendly and very frank. He suspected a fracture of the heel bone rather than a simple ankle sprain or soft tissue injury. They would need to do a series of X-rays---pending the findings on the radiographs, they might need to do a CT scan or MRI. Surgery was a possibility, but would not be performed today unless the injury was of a severity rarely seen in young children.
Kaname had been allowed to accompany Tomoe into X-ray, an opportunity she greatly appreciated. She was feeling very isolated now, her fears of abandonment peaking again. It would have been very difficult at the moment if she had to watch Tomoe pushed away from her in a wheelchair.
Sousuke. Where was Sousuke?
After the procedure, she and Tomoe sat by themselves in a small examination room. Tomoe wanted a story. When asked what she wanted to hear about, she answered "Daddy." Kaname complied, telling her daughter things about her father that they hadn't spoken of before. His life in Afghanistan, sanitized to fit a child's perspective. His time with her at Jindai highschool, and how they had gotten off to a rocky start. His rescues of her, told along the lines of a hero rescuing a maiden in distess. His eventual courtship of her. Their marriage, and the arrival of the children into their lives. Tomoe remained very quiet, picking up on her mother's mood. She did not ask her usual myriad of questions.
When the doctor returned with the results of the X-rays, there was good news and bad news. The good news was that Tomoe would not require surgery, and that she would not require additional imaging tests. For tonight, all she would require was ice packs, compression dressings, and strict bedrest. The bad news was that she had a compression fracture of the calcaneus, an injury not uncommon after a fall on the foot from a great height. Fortunately it did not involve an articular surface, and a similar injury was not seen in the opposite foot. Once the swelling went down, she would need to see an orthopedist for a non-weight bearing short leg cast, which would need to stay on for at least one week. She would need crutches. In two weeks she would be fitted with a temporary surgical shoe. Kaname tried to look on the bright side. Things could have been much worse.
Where was her husband? Was he injured too?
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Carrying Tomoe through the door into the apartment, Kaname was glad to be home. She still suffered from the physical signs of distress---head ache, tightness in her throat, and an uneay stomach. But, that should start to improve. She hoped.
Tomoe was very upset. Not at her injury---it was as if she had forgotten about that altogether. She was infuriated that her brother wasn't there to hear about her adventure first hand. He didn't have a swollen foot. He didn't get to go to the hospital. He didn't get to have pictures taken of his bones. He didn't get a lollipop from the nurse. He didn't get a drive-through icecream cone. Raspberry sherbet!!!
Tomoe became even more upset when she learned that she couldn't do her usual Tuesday night routine. There would be no kendo training. It wasn't fair. She KNEW she could do it standing on one foot! Her mother was just being mean. DADDY would have let her do it!
Normally, Kaname would not put up with even a minute of tantrum. But, she was feeling listless and drained. She didn't seem to have the energy or motivation to curb her daughter's verbal crescendo. A look at the counter top saved her, providing her with a solution. The cocoa tin. The plastic barrel with the finger paints. Hearing that she could have hot cocoa AND whipped cream, Tomoe quickly defervesced. Learning that her mother would finger paint with her, she decided that she had the best Mama in the whole world.
The cocoa went well. There were no spills, slops, or drops. No cups were broken. Tomoe's bed clothes remained clean.
After placing her apron on her daughter, Kaname placed some newspaper on the kitchen table, grabbed some sketching paper, and unscrewed the tops on the paint bottles. Tomoe went right to work, cranking out masterpiece after masterpiece, coloring the apron and the newspaper in the process. A picture of Tomoe in a tree. A picture of Tomoe falling from a tree. A picture of her father catching her at the foot of the tree. A picture of a hospital. A picture of her father teaching her kendo. A kitten. A kitten in a tree. A picture of a kitten in a hospital. A picture of her father reading her and her brother a story. A picture of her father teaching a kitten kendo. A picture of the entire family, sans kitten.
Her paint-covered face and hands imitating a rainbow, Tomoe did not look like the usual art critic. That did not stop her from savagely critiquing her mother's work:
"Mother, that looks like a white-footed ferret, not a cat....
"Mother, Daddy does NOT smile when he is hit with a halisen...
"Mother, those are not the colors in a rainbow...
"Mother, the moon is a quarter crescent tonight...
"Mother, Daddy is taller than you...
"Mother, why does Moto get to hold Daddy's hand. That's my job on Tuesday...
"Mother, the HBD-5 does NOT have a pointed head....
Being a thoughtful child, Tomoe did not want to leave her mother bereft of any kind words. "I REALLY like that one, Mama." She pointed to one picture that had resulted from Kaname knocking over one bottle of paint, smearing her hand across the page before she had realized what she had done.
When her mother did not say anything in reply, Tomoe knew exactly what to do. "Mama, when someone compliments you...you are supposed to say 'Thank you.' " Her look was very intense, not playful.
"Thank you, sweetheart."
"You're welcome."
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After Kyouko had left---Tomoe forceably detached from her lap---Kaname was able to tuck her daughter into bed. Since she and Tomoe had eaten at the hospital, Kaname placed Kyouko's care package in the refrigerator. One less meal to cook tomorrow! Kaname felt sad not being able to see Moto before he went to bed. But, it provided her the opportunity to spend some time alone with her injured daughter.
Tomoe's eyes were droopy, so she was given the choice of a story, an Aesop's fable, or a few moments with the riddle book. Tomoe chose the fable. She wanted to be the one to randomly pick the story. Instead of sticking her finger in the book the way her mother had the night before, she resorted to her own method. She threw the book up against the ceiling, waiting to see what page it opened to. Page 60. 'The Astrologer.'
"Mama...could you read the story with more feeling tonight...the way that Daddy does?" Kaname almost dropped the book. Even after their years of marriage, Kaname would not consider Sousuke to be the most expressive person she knew. She must sound pretty flat these days.
A man learned to observe the movements of the stars in order to predict the future. He soon became famous as an astrologer, and peopel traveled for miles around to pay for his advice.
One evening, this man was walking along the road, his eyes fixed on the heavens and what great fortune he saw there. But meanwhile, he paid no heed to the path, and before he knew it he had tumbled head over heels into a pit of muddy water.
His neighbors heard his shouts and came running. But when they saw who had fallen into the hole, they had no pity. "he can predict the future, but he couldn't foresee this!" one of them cried.
And another, helping the man up, told him "You'd better spend less time watching the stars, and more time watching your feet!"
THE MORAL: DON'T NEGLECT SMALL THINGS WHEN THINKING OF GREAT ONES
After she had finished explaining the message of the story to her daughter, Kaname told her two more fables. When she finished the moral to the third tale, she noticed that Tomoe was fast asleep. She looked so angelic, so peaceful.
Once again, Kaname could find a way to apply the moral of one of the tales. She HAD been neglecting the little things. No, not the children; rather, the sundry details. The garbage needed to be taken out. The dishes needed to be put away. The video collection needed to go from the floor to the shelf. The plants were drooping. Cobwebs were growing. Dustbunnies were multiplying. Those were all things that Sousuke usually took care of, lending her a hand during her pregnancy.
She could take care of some of those things tonight, but she was yawning enough to know better than to push things. Still, the idea was attractive---she dreaded going to sleep in that big and empty bed.
Just curious if you plan to insert any of the