[FIC] Higher Education (pt 5)
Posted: Sun Aug 01, 2004 10:12 pm
“It‘s driving me crazy!” Kaname confided in her friend.
“I see. Is that why your menu is in two pieces, now?” Her friend shook her head, mystified at the Kaname in front of her. She refrained from saying anything about the broken plate.
“What?” Kaname looked down at her hands. She blushed. The restaurant manager wouldn’t be so forgiving a third time.
“This isn’t really like you, Kaname. Even when you were chasing after that one guy for a while. This Sousuke must mean an awful lot to you.” Her friend reached over to a nearby table and grabbed an intact menu.
“Well… I… ummmm… I wouldn’t go that far. He meant a lot to me once. Then he up and left me. Just like that.” Kaname’s face gave her away. There was obviously more to the story.
“Really? So you’re saying he dumped you? Never tried once to get in touch with you again?” Her friend had a shrewd look on her face. Too shrewd for Kaname’s liking.
Kaname began wondering? Who had she talked to Sousuke about in nonspecific terms in the past? She couldn’t remember.
“It… no… not like that. He had to leave. I… I don’t think he wanted to… and….” Kaname cursed herself. She wasn’t a teenager any more. What was wrong with her.
“You were hurt a lot more than you ever might have expected. Because of that you never wanted to hear from him again, since you thought it would only hurt you more.” Her friend looked up at the waiter and gave him her order.
Kaname followed suit. She frowned. No doubt she had told this friend about Sousuke back when the pain was still strong.
“Yes… but I had a good reason for that… he… I… Damn him…” Kaname slammed her fist down. A salt shaker jumped up, rolled on its side, fell off the table, and hit the floor with a disturbing tinkling of broken glass.
“I think it must be pretty obvious why he’s avoiding you. You have tried to see things from his side, haven’t you?” Her friend placed a new salt shaker on the table… out of Kaname’s reach.
“Of course. I’m not a total moron!” Kaname hung her head a moment, sorry that she had lost her temper some. “Sorry. I’ve thought about it some. But, there are so many possible reasons for the way he’s behaving. He could hate me. He could care about me, but be afraid of being hurt again. He could have any number of girlfriends.”
“Is he the guy who saved you in the park?” Her friend raised an eyebrow.
“Y-Y-Yes….” Kaname still felt uncomfortable thinking about that whole episode.
“Would he do that if he hated you?” Her friend tapped her nail against the table top, her eyes watching Kaname’s face.
“He might. He’s so damn noble sometimes. Then, he’s so damn clueless the next! Hmmppff!” Kaname brought another hand down hard.
“Ahhhh….” Her friend caught the Sesame Oil bottle just as it teetered on the edge. “I can see where that would be frustrating. Do you have any reason to think he hates you? What did he say in class when you tried to talk with him? How did you bring up the subject?”
“Well, I spelled it out pretty plain for him, the big jerk. ‘I’m trying to say that I want to explore those memories… with you.’ I would think that’s pretty straight forward!” Kaname looked like she was growing angrier.
“Kaname. Please don’t break anything else.” Her friends voice was stern. “Now, what did he say?”
Well… errrr… he started off by saying ‘You were often kind to me, prior to….’ and just left it hanging a moment.” Kaname’s face fell.
“Prior to your total abandonment of him?” Her friend had a piercing gaze.
“He left me!” Kaname said in a bit of a huff.
“Because he didn’t have any choice. Right. After that, you had a choice. Hmmmmm?” Her friend rested her chin on both hands.
Kaname sighed. Aki was so sharp. But, that’s why she had invited her to dinner. She could pull anything out of Kaname. No one else could ever come close.
“You’re right. At the time, it was what I felt I needed to do. But, it probably hurt him just as much. Maybe even more….” Kaname swallowed hard. She had been hurt terribly. She didn’t want to think about someone hurting more than that.
She had been hit hard by abandonment issues, as a result of other things that had happened to her. But, if there was anybody with a rougher past than her….
“Why?” Aki thought she might be on to something.
“He was so rigid, and so mechanical. I couldn’t believe at first that he had any feelings at all.” Kaname sighed before continuing. Her hand grasped the tablecloth. “But… as we spent time together… and went through some drastic situations together… he… we….”
“Could you please let go of the tablecloth, Kaname?” Her friend smiled. Kaname managed a smile in return. “I understand, I think. You opened up to him without knowing it at first. He may have opened up even more. You said he started off saying that. What did he finish saying?”
Kaname bit her lip. “He said ‘no doubt you are trying to make me feel better for intruding on your personal life again. I will make certain it is not a problem.’ He’s such an idiot! I had asked him to dinner with me. Well, after I lied about needing his help. I tried to tell him that I didn’t want him gone when he checked in on me at home after I threw my umbrella at him and left.”
Aki sighed. Deep and long. She shook her head, as if trying to wake up from a dream or something.
“Well, it certainly sounds like a wonderful start, girl. A lie. Then a thrown umbrella. When he was at your door, did you try to tell him what was in your heart?” Aki was once a fan of romance novels. This was all tragic enough to be straight out of one of them.
Kaname blushed. It all certainly sounded bad when Aki said it.
“I kind of made an effort to excuse my actions when he left three years ago. Ummm… when I finally started feeling ready to open up, he got an emergency phone call and had to leave.” Kaname felt a quick shiver run through her.
“Hmmmmmm. I can’t see how ANY guy could resist all that…..” Aki’s sarcasm had Kaname flinching. “So… I shouldn’t even ask probably…. what did you say when he wouldn’t intrude on your personal life again?”
“Ummmm….” Kaname couldn’t forget THAT. She could still kick herself. Hard. Repeatedly.
Aki just sat quietly.
“I…” Kaname still had trouble saying it. She blushed again.
Aki took out a brush and began working on her hair. That bit of drama helped her friend find her tongue.
“I started off my next description for the class by saying… uh… ‘Idiot! Moron! Jerk.’ I was pretty loud.” Kaname took a long drink of water, short of breath when she was done.
“And he said….” Aki gave Kaname her glass of water.
“Sousuke said ‘It would seem that those words explain it all, Miss Chidori.’ I wanted to explain that I was just so frustrated, but he disappeared after class.” Kaname closed her eyes for a bit.
“You really are amazing, Kaname. Do you know that?” Aki smiled. “I can only imagine what high school must have been like for the two of you. It probably would have made good cinema!” Aki shook her head again. “But you’re a good person at heart. And I think you really care for this Sousuke. Don’t give up. Unless he is terribly scarred by your past actions, he still might do what you’re doing.”
“But he… I…. Oooooooooooooh!” Kaname felt her frustration biting down hard yet again. “He’s fast. He’s clever. He’s skilled at observation. He can disappear into a crowd… the shadows… ANYTHING!”
“Really? Too bad you’re chasing him and not the other way around, right? So, what have you tried after class ended?” Aki took the sampler plate of appetizers from the waiter.
“Yes. I tried surveillance. I can’t keep up with him, but I could follow the girls who always seem to show up where he is.” Kaname nodded her head, thinking that it was a logical enough plan.
“Why, so you could beat their secrets out of them?” Aki laughed.
Kaname scowled.
“Sorry! Did they lead you to him?” Aki realized that she had to walk softly here.
“Yes,” Kaname said with a sigh. “They have obviously mapped out his schedule already. They beat me to it. He was leaving one building, and they surrounded him. One of the girls finally worked up the courage to point blank ask him out. The others quickly followed suit.”
“Did he accept?” Aki chided herself. This wasn’t a soap opera or something. She needed to extinguish the feeling of anticipation.
“No.” Kaname looked down.
“But that’s a good thing, right?” Aki wondered what had happened.
Kaname shook her head. “He was very polite. It’s good to see he’s learned a little consideration and compassion. He… he told them that he wasn’t looking for…a relationship… because it didn’t make sense for him to be vulnerable at the moment.” Kaname brought her hand down too hard again. Appetizers sprung into the air. Luckily most landed back on the plate. “He said there were important things he needed to do. He said he would need to learn from his mistakes….”
“Important things? You mean studying and preparing for his career? We all do that, though.” Aki wondered just how anal Sousuke might be. Was he a chronic worrier, or someone who could only think about status and his future employment?
“No. Things that pulled him away before.” Kaname sighed again. “The same things that made me push aside any efforts he made. I can’t talk about them. He’s an amazing man….” Kaname almost wished that he wasn’t so special. Special meant unforgettable.
“The same things? And they might pull him away again? Are you saying you are willing to take chances now you weren’t willing to take before?” Aki thought she already knew the answer.
“Yes.” It had been less than a whisper.
“What was that? Uncertain?” Aki couldn’t help but smile.
“YES!” Kaname said, louder than she had intended. The restaurant went quiet for a moment, before going back to its usual level of activity.
“Well, that is probably the biggest step, isn’t it. Making that decision. Good for you, gal!” Aki reached over and squeezed Kaname’s hand.
“I just wish I knew what to do to get his attention. If I could just tell him how I felt before, and how I feel now. Maybe he would take a chance like I’m willing to do. I don’t even know whether or not his responsibilities have changed. He may be more limited than before. Maybe just the opposite.” There was so much that Kaname anted to know.
It was ridiculous.
One day she’s cruising through her regulated if somewhat droll existence… and now this….
“So, what is your next step?” Aki found a piece of tempura that had managed to land in her lap.
“The first part is simple. Maybe you could help me there. I am asking everyone I know and trust to try and help me out. If they’re willing, I would like them to introduce themselves to Sousuke… mention my name… and tell them that I really want to speak with him. I am thinking about writing him a short note, and having some people carry a copy, hoping they can give it to him.” Kaname didn’t sound too optimistic.
“That might work. But if he’s already convinced you don’t care about him at all….”
“I know. That’s why I won’t get my hopes up to high. I’ll still try to corner him anywhere I can. Pride be damned! If I have to throw myself on him in front of witnesses… wrap my arm and legs around him as tight as I can…. and force him to hurt me to get free….” Kaname's eyes flashed.
“You’d do that?” Aki smiled.
“Maybe….” Kaname blushed. “Desperate times….”
“Is that it?” Aki would want to hear every possible update from this adventure.
“No. I think I know the building that relates to the important things he mentioned. If I start hanging around there… I wouldn’t call it snooping or anything…. who knows what I might find? I know a few secrets from before that might allow me to talk to some people there. It’s worth a try.”
“That’s pretty bold!” Aki nodded her thanks when the waiter brought her meal.
“That’s me!” Kaname laughed, taking her dish from the waiter. “I may even call some people who once looked after me. If I can find out a way to contact them. They are friends of his.”
“Would madame like a number of spare plates or utensils?” The waiter looked at the broken plate; the remnants of the salt pile on the floor; and a few leftover fragments of menu.
“No, thank you. These out to do fine.” Kaname grinned.
Aki looked at her skeptically.
“I see. Is that why your menu is in two pieces, now?” Her friend shook her head, mystified at the Kaname in front of her. She refrained from saying anything about the broken plate.
“What?” Kaname looked down at her hands. She blushed. The restaurant manager wouldn’t be so forgiving a third time.
“This isn’t really like you, Kaname. Even when you were chasing after that one guy for a while. This Sousuke must mean an awful lot to you.” Her friend reached over to a nearby table and grabbed an intact menu.
“Well… I… ummmm… I wouldn’t go that far. He meant a lot to me once. Then he up and left me. Just like that.” Kaname’s face gave her away. There was obviously more to the story.
“Really? So you’re saying he dumped you? Never tried once to get in touch with you again?” Her friend had a shrewd look on her face. Too shrewd for Kaname’s liking.
Kaname began wondering? Who had she talked to Sousuke about in nonspecific terms in the past? She couldn’t remember.
“It… no… not like that. He had to leave. I… I don’t think he wanted to… and….” Kaname cursed herself. She wasn’t a teenager any more. What was wrong with her.
“You were hurt a lot more than you ever might have expected. Because of that you never wanted to hear from him again, since you thought it would only hurt you more.” Her friend looked up at the waiter and gave him her order.
Kaname followed suit. She frowned. No doubt she had told this friend about Sousuke back when the pain was still strong.
“Yes… but I had a good reason for that… he… I… Damn him…” Kaname slammed her fist down. A salt shaker jumped up, rolled on its side, fell off the table, and hit the floor with a disturbing tinkling of broken glass.
“I think it must be pretty obvious why he’s avoiding you. You have tried to see things from his side, haven’t you?” Her friend placed a new salt shaker on the table… out of Kaname’s reach.
“Of course. I’m not a total moron!” Kaname hung her head a moment, sorry that she had lost her temper some. “Sorry. I’ve thought about it some. But, there are so many possible reasons for the way he’s behaving. He could hate me. He could care about me, but be afraid of being hurt again. He could have any number of girlfriends.”
“Is he the guy who saved you in the park?” Her friend raised an eyebrow.
“Y-Y-Yes….” Kaname still felt uncomfortable thinking about that whole episode.
“Would he do that if he hated you?” Her friend tapped her nail against the table top, her eyes watching Kaname’s face.
“He might. He’s so damn noble sometimes. Then, he’s so damn clueless the next! Hmmppff!” Kaname brought another hand down hard.
“Ahhhh….” Her friend caught the Sesame Oil bottle just as it teetered on the edge. “I can see where that would be frustrating. Do you have any reason to think he hates you? What did he say in class when you tried to talk with him? How did you bring up the subject?”
“Well, I spelled it out pretty plain for him, the big jerk. ‘I’m trying to say that I want to explore those memories… with you.’ I would think that’s pretty straight forward!” Kaname looked like she was growing angrier.
“Kaname. Please don’t break anything else.” Her friends voice was stern. “Now, what did he say?”
Well… errrr… he started off by saying ‘You were often kind to me, prior to….’ and just left it hanging a moment.” Kaname’s face fell.
“Prior to your total abandonment of him?” Her friend had a piercing gaze.
“He left me!” Kaname said in a bit of a huff.
“Because he didn’t have any choice. Right. After that, you had a choice. Hmmmmm?” Her friend rested her chin on both hands.
Kaname sighed. Aki was so sharp. But, that’s why she had invited her to dinner. She could pull anything out of Kaname. No one else could ever come close.
“You’re right. At the time, it was what I felt I needed to do. But, it probably hurt him just as much. Maybe even more….” Kaname swallowed hard. She had been hurt terribly. She didn’t want to think about someone hurting more than that.
She had been hit hard by abandonment issues, as a result of other things that had happened to her. But, if there was anybody with a rougher past than her….
“Why?” Aki thought she might be on to something.
“He was so rigid, and so mechanical. I couldn’t believe at first that he had any feelings at all.” Kaname sighed before continuing. Her hand grasped the tablecloth. “But… as we spent time together… and went through some drastic situations together… he… we….”
“Could you please let go of the tablecloth, Kaname?” Her friend smiled. Kaname managed a smile in return. “I understand, I think. You opened up to him without knowing it at first. He may have opened up even more. You said he started off saying that. What did he finish saying?”
Kaname bit her lip. “He said ‘no doubt you are trying to make me feel better for intruding on your personal life again. I will make certain it is not a problem.’ He’s such an idiot! I had asked him to dinner with me. Well, after I lied about needing his help. I tried to tell him that I didn’t want him gone when he checked in on me at home after I threw my umbrella at him and left.”
Aki sighed. Deep and long. She shook her head, as if trying to wake up from a dream or something.
“Well, it certainly sounds like a wonderful start, girl. A lie. Then a thrown umbrella. When he was at your door, did you try to tell him what was in your heart?” Aki was once a fan of romance novels. This was all tragic enough to be straight out of one of them.
Kaname blushed. It all certainly sounded bad when Aki said it.
“I kind of made an effort to excuse my actions when he left three years ago. Ummm… when I finally started feeling ready to open up, he got an emergency phone call and had to leave.” Kaname felt a quick shiver run through her.
“Hmmmmmm. I can’t see how ANY guy could resist all that…..” Aki’s sarcasm had Kaname flinching. “So… I shouldn’t even ask probably…. what did you say when he wouldn’t intrude on your personal life again?”
“Ummmm….” Kaname couldn’t forget THAT. She could still kick herself. Hard. Repeatedly.
Aki just sat quietly.
“I…” Kaname still had trouble saying it. She blushed again.
Aki took out a brush and began working on her hair. That bit of drama helped her friend find her tongue.
“I started off my next description for the class by saying… uh… ‘Idiot! Moron! Jerk.’ I was pretty loud.” Kaname took a long drink of water, short of breath when she was done.
“And he said….” Aki gave Kaname her glass of water.
“Sousuke said ‘It would seem that those words explain it all, Miss Chidori.’ I wanted to explain that I was just so frustrated, but he disappeared after class.” Kaname closed her eyes for a bit.
“You really are amazing, Kaname. Do you know that?” Aki smiled. “I can only imagine what high school must have been like for the two of you. It probably would have made good cinema!” Aki shook her head again. “But you’re a good person at heart. And I think you really care for this Sousuke. Don’t give up. Unless he is terribly scarred by your past actions, he still might do what you’re doing.”
“But he… I…. Oooooooooooooh!” Kaname felt her frustration biting down hard yet again. “He’s fast. He’s clever. He’s skilled at observation. He can disappear into a crowd… the shadows… ANYTHING!”
“Really? Too bad you’re chasing him and not the other way around, right? So, what have you tried after class ended?” Aki took the sampler plate of appetizers from the waiter.
“Yes. I tried surveillance. I can’t keep up with him, but I could follow the girls who always seem to show up where he is.” Kaname nodded her head, thinking that it was a logical enough plan.
“Why, so you could beat their secrets out of them?” Aki laughed.
Kaname scowled.
“Sorry! Did they lead you to him?” Aki realized that she had to walk softly here.
“Yes,” Kaname said with a sigh. “They have obviously mapped out his schedule already. They beat me to it. He was leaving one building, and they surrounded him. One of the girls finally worked up the courage to point blank ask him out. The others quickly followed suit.”
“Did he accept?” Aki chided herself. This wasn’t a soap opera or something. She needed to extinguish the feeling of anticipation.
“No.” Kaname looked down.
“But that’s a good thing, right?” Aki wondered what had happened.
Kaname shook her head. “He was very polite. It’s good to see he’s learned a little consideration and compassion. He… he told them that he wasn’t looking for…a relationship… because it didn’t make sense for him to be vulnerable at the moment.” Kaname brought her hand down too hard again. Appetizers sprung into the air. Luckily most landed back on the plate. “He said there were important things he needed to do. He said he would need to learn from his mistakes….”
“Important things? You mean studying and preparing for his career? We all do that, though.” Aki wondered just how anal Sousuke might be. Was he a chronic worrier, or someone who could only think about status and his future employment?
“No. Things that pulled him away before.” Kaname sighed again. “The same things that made me push aside any efforts he made. I can’t talk about them. He’s an amazing man….” Kaname almost wished that he wasn’t so special. Special meant unforgettable.
“The same things? And they might pull him away again? Are you saying you are willing to take chances now you weren’t willing to take before?” Aki thought she already knew the answer.
“Yes.” It had been less than a whisper.
“What was that? Uncertain?” Aki couldn’t help but smile.
“YES!” Kaname said, louder than she had intended. The restaurant went quiet for a moment, before going back to its usual level of activity.
“Well, that is probably the biggest step, isn’t it. Making that decision. Good for you, gal!” Aki reached over and squeezed Kaname’s hand.
“I just wish I knew what to do to get his attention. If I could just tell him how I felt before, and how I feel now. Maybe he would take a chance like I’m willing to do. I don’t even know whether or not his responsibilities have changed. He may be more limited than before. Maybe just the opposite.” There was so much that Kaname anted to know.
It was ridiculous.
One day she’s cruising through her regulated if somewhat droll existence… and now this….
“So, what is your next step?” Aki found a piece of tempura that had managed to land in her lap.
“The first part is simple. Maybe you could help me there. I am asking everyone I know and trust to try and help me out. If they’re willing, I would like them to introduce themselves to Sousuke… mention my name… and tell them that I really want to speak with him. I am thinking about writing him a short note, and having some people carry a copy, hoping they can give it to him.” Kaname didn’t sound too optimistic.
“That might work. But if he’s already convinced you don’t care about him at all….”
“I know. That’s why I won’t get my hopes up to high. I’ll still try to corner him anywhere I can. Pride be damned! If I have to throw myself on him in front of witnesses… wrap my arm and legs around him as tight as I can…. and force him to hurt me to get free….” Kaname's eyes flashed.
“You’d do that?” Aki smiled.
“Maybe….” Kaname blushed. “Desperate times….”
“Is that it?” Aki would want to hear every possible update from this adventure.
“No. I think I know the building that relates to the important things he mentioned. If I start hanging around there… I wouldn’t call it snooping or anything…. who knows what I might find? I know a few secrets from before that might allow me to talk to some people there. It’s worth a try.”
“That’s pretty bold!” Aki nodded her thanks when the waiter brought her meal.
“That’s me!” Kaname laughed, taking her dish from the waiter. “I may even call some people who once looked after me. If I can find out a way to contact them. They are friends of his.”
“Would madame like a number of spare plates or utensils?” The waiter looked at the broken plate; the remnants of the salt pile on the floor; and a few leftover fragments of menu.
“No, thank you. These out to do fine.” Kaname grinned.
Aki looked at her skeptically.