[FIC] Higher Education (Pt 11)
Posted: Thu Aug 05, 2004 12:41 am
“I really haven’t been minding my manners as I should, Sousuke. I apologize.”
Kaname was feeling a little guilty, and not a just a little bit embarrassed by her behavior.
It wasn’t as if she had done anything terribly wrong. Admittedly, her actions had been bit scandalous and possibly a good bit premature. She was most concerned about her level of control.
She had never quite felt this way before.
What was it about the young man standing in her kitchen that had her libido dialed so high and her heart racing so fast?
She hadn’t felt that exact way about him in high school.
Does absence make the heart grow fonder? She certainly hadn't been all that fond of him immediately after his assignment had been terminated three years ago.
Regardless of her motivations, Kaname did not want to do anything that scared Sousuke away.
“Kaname?” Sousuke turned a curious gaze on his companion.
“I should have offered you tea. It would be nice to share tea together while we work.” Kaname bit her lip. It was true, she should have offered him tea. But, that was not what she had originally meant to say. It was probably better not to make a big deal over her previous behavior.
Sousuke didn’t look like he was terribly uncomfortable.
And, who knows where her surging emotions might take her next?
“Yes. That would be very pleasant. But your manners are fine, Kaname. I....” Sousuke stopped abruptly. He looked at Kaname, wondering just what things he felt comfortable admitting to her.
“Sousuke?” Kaname wondered just what Sousuke had been about to say. She wanted him to feel free to say anything that came to his mind. “Please. You can tell me anything. I really would like it if you would be comfortable enough to tell me everything….”
“I like you just the way you are.” Sousuke looked relieved, as if it had been difficult to get that off his chest.
Kaname blushed. Once again, a large smile lit up her face. “Thank you Sousuke.”
Kaname thought once again, just how different Sousuke was from other boys. He was so shy, but totally sincere. She wouldn’t trade him for any other guy on campus. Why stop there? She wondered if there could be anyone else who could make her feel the way this semi-clueless otaku did.
Was she overreacting? Jumping the gun?
Part of her sniffed and held its nose up high. What did that say about her, if a moody military maniac was her highest aspiration? The other part of her just smiled. Sousuke just seemed to fit with her. She didn’t know why.
If it feels right, it is right.
Did it feel right?
“Kaname, were you aware that tea is the most commonly consumed drink in the world after water ?” Sousuke took a pot of water from Kaname and put it on a burner. Lighting the stove, he bent over.
Kaname found herself holding her breath.
Settle down, Kaname!
“I guess I never thought about that, Sousuke.” Kaname just nodded her head. She could never tell just what Sousuke would think was worth talking about. At least it wasn’t something military.
Who kept who guessing?
“Tea is an ancient beverage that was enjoyed for at least 1,600 years before the Europeans ever tasted it. If Chinese legends are to believed, it would have it almost 4,500 years that they have been enjoying the beverage.” Sousuke selected a tea from the ones that Kaname offered him.
“Oh. That’s a very long time.” Kaname wondered just how much she was going to learn about tea.
“But it was only about 1,000 years ago, during the Song dynasty, that tea drinking started to become widespread and the government began to supervise the production of tea, regulate its trade, and collect tea taxes. Buddhist monks, who were not permitted alcohol and needed stimulation to stay awake during meditation, are given much credit for helping to popularize the beverage, as well as for carrying tea culture to Korea and Japan. “ Sousuke watched as Kaname continued with her preparations.
“What’s your favorite kind of strong simulation, Sousuke?” Kaname bit her lip to keep from chuckling.
Ooops.
Tone it down just a little, young lady….
“Uh... well.... being in a life or death situation... I would say...” Sousuke looked at Kaname a moment, before looking away.
“Hmmmmm... we’re going to have to change that, I think....” Kaname gave Sousuke a pat on the rump. He swallowed hard.
To Hell with it! I’m having fun.
Go with the flow, girl.
“Yes... I...errr…. the Portuguese reached the South China coast in 1514 and became the first Europeans to gain the right to trade with China and the first to drink tea. They were also the first to introduce tea in Europe, and in the following century tea became one of the prizes sought in the three-way tug-of-war between the Portuguese, Dutch, and English for control of the China trade.” Sousuke felt uncomfortable, seeing the look in Kaname’s eyes. As a Specialist, he should be ready to take on any unexpected situation. This was beyond his level of expertise, however.
“Want to know what prize I’m after, Sousuke?” Kaname smirked. If Sousuke was going to keep assaulting her with facts, she would find some way to turn it to her advantage.
It was good for him.
It would keep him on his toes.
See, there was a practical purpose to all this, after all.
“I believe... uh... you are a prize, Kaname.” Sousuke felt safer heading in that direction, even thought that was uncharted waters for him as well. He was no longer completely clueless.
And, he thought that it would make Kaname smile again. Those smiles made him feel very good, even though he wasn’t entire sure why.
He saw her blush prettily.
The success gave him some confidence.
“Tea ..... along with coffee and cacao..... caught on in Europe during the seventeenth century, which in turn increased demand for slave-grown sugar to sweeten the new beverages.”
“You’re pretty sweet yourself. Do you know that, Sousuke?” Kaname grinned, wanting to see how the rough tough soldier would react to that one.
“Uh....”
“Does that make you uncomfortable, Sousuke?” Kaname had a more serious look on her face now.
“I... being sweet is not a useful quality in a soldier, Kaname.” Sousuke was moving one of his feet around a little bit.
“I see.” Kaname pursed her lips. Yes, this would be a good time to make a certain point. She walked over and stood in front of Sousuke.
“Sousuke, when you are on duty or in combat, you need to be a soldier. When you are alone with me, you are NO LONGER a soldier. You’re my boyfriend. Nothing more, and nothing less. OK?” She snuggled up against him. “It’s alright to put your arm around me. I promise I won’t bite.”
“But....”
“No buts, Sousuke. You’re so much more than a soldier. It’s time you started seeing that. If you can’t see it for yourself, just watch me. I’ll find plenty of ways to show you. This is one....” Kaname put her arms around Sousuke’s neck... looked into his eyes for a moment... then softly placed her lips on his.
Sousuke shuddered at first, then relaxed. Ever so slowly, he responded, although somewhat timidly.
“We’ll work on that later.” Kaname let go of Sousuke. “Now, do you have anything else to tell me about tea” She doubted it. She probably addled his brain. He might need to check in back aboard that submarine to have a short or two fixed. Hmmmpppfff!
Sousuke stood silently for a moment, not exactly certain what he was feeling.
By the look on his face, he had discovered some new desires, and was probably deciding whether they were proper or not. Nodding his head, he stood taller.
“Tea was a staple of the English colonists in North America and, because of a British tax, became one more source of friction between the thirteen colonies and England, which ultimately resulted in the Boston Tea Party..... one in a succession of steps that seem to have led to the American Revolution.”
Kaname just shook her head. She had kissed him, and he was talking about tea again.
Only Sousuke.
She didn’t mind... it was part of who he was.
The blue-haired girl realized just how hard she was falling for that numbskull.
She also decided on what she wanted to talk about while they cooked. She had some difficult things to discuss, and so did he.
“About finished there? There are some other things I would like to hear about, if you’re willing to tell me.” Kaname’s voice was very soft, almost vulnerable. There were things she was frightened of. It would be best to deal with them now, in case their emotions were to grow more complicated with time.
“Ummm… I will finish by stating that it was only in the nineteenth century that Europeans discovered the secrets of tea cultivation, thus dispelling an ignorance that until then had meant monopoly for China. I will not bore you with details of how China continued to dominate the markets of the world despite the fact that the British established the great plantations of Assam and Ceylon in India, and the Dutch created tea plantations in their East Indian colonies.” Sousuke looked over at Kaname, who simply smiled in return.
“That was very informative, Sousuke. Are you SURE you don’t have any more. I want to make certain that it is out of your system.” Kaname folded her arms over her chest.
“I could discuss how the situation with tea eventually led to the Opium Wars of the 1840s, during which Britain triumphed militarily and effectively "opened" China to the trade of the world while wrangling huge territorial and trade concessions for itself.” Sousuke watched the way that Kaname had started tapping her foot. “Uh… I think I have said enough.”
“There’s hope for you yet, Sousuke.” She smiled again, then ran over to wrap him up in a fierce hug.
“I missed you so much, Sousuke. I lied to myself, saying that I didn’t. But, I did. I really did. I don’t even know if I can put it in words.” She clung to him a short while before stepping back again. “That’s what I want to explain to you later.”
Sousuke’s face closed up some. His posture grew more rigid.
“Kaname, you do not owe me any explanation. I was a soldier doing my job. You did not ask for me to be assigned to you. I should not have allowed myself to….. develop uh…. feelings…. and….”
“No, Sousuke!!!” The words exploded out of Kaname’s mouth, shocking both her and Sousuke. “Don’t you EVER think about blaming yourself for doing anything wrong. I was the one at fault. Me. Kaname Chidori. And I want you to know why... after you tell me about your life these past three years. It… it hurts me... to think that I don’t know what’s happened to you….” Tears came to Kaname’s eyes.
“We have cooking to do. I’ll show you what I can. Can you please talk to me while we’re busy?” Kaname’s face was anxious. One of her hands trembled a bit, then stopped.
“Yes, Kaname. But you do not need to discomfort yourself on my account. The times were difficult, but I survived.” Sousuke looked concerned for Kaname. He didn’t seem wrapped up in his own feelings.
“Yes I do, Sousuke. I should clear the air between us. I want to build on something new and strong. And, I want you to listen to me again. Right now. Are you listening?"
"Yes, Kaname."
"There………. is………. more………. to life………. than just………. surviving………..” She continued on in a quieter, silky smooth voice. “Especially between two people who…. care deeply for each other.”
There was a word Kaname almost used.
She didn’t know if it held true for Sousuke…..or if it ever would.
She did know that she wasn’t ready to use it yet. It would get her hopes too high. And, it was still too soon to be absolutely sure.
That's what her head had to say. Her heart knew differently. What would break the tie?
“What is it you wish me to do, Kaname?” Sousuke’s voice sounded even and calm. His willingness to talk had Kaname feeling very grateful. She was also filled with glowing admiration for him.
“I would like you to help me with miso soup, first. I’ll tell you the things that my mother once taught me. I would also like you to trade off with me. For everything I tell you, I’d like to have you tell me something about the last three years, starting from the beginning.” Kaname hoped that she wasn’t coming on too strong in a different way, now.
But, she had faith in Sousuke, and confidence in herself.
“I will do that for you, Kaname. I would do whatever I can, for you.” Sousuke’s face softened. His eyes spoke of past pain and future hope.
“Thank you. Well then, let’s get started so we can get finished before morning!” Kaname organized the things that she would need.
“Miso soup base is made out of a fish stock called dashi. You can purchase dashi at any Oriental food shop. You can enjoy almost any vegetable with this soup, from lettuce to snow pea pods. Each time we make this… and I hope we have many opportunities, Sousuke… we can try a different vegetable.” Kaname smiled. “We’ll have to try Chinese cabbage….. Lettuce….. Onions….. Leaks….. Okra….. Butternut squash….. Daikon radishes….. Potatoes….. Mushrooms….. Sweet potatoes….. And bean sprouts. Not to mention tofu, natto beans, and Wakinabe seaweed.”
“That’s a lot of times, Kaname.” Sousuke looked stunned.
“Isn’t it, now?” Kaname preened. She had slid that one in nicely. He didn’t object. “Green pepper, celery, and other vegetables with strong flavor are not recommended.”
“Understood!” Sousuke’s brisk answer had Kaname giggling. He blushed, then smiled.
“All hard vegetables must be cooked for ten minutes or so. OK? Hmmm, where was I. Yes. Here’s what I need for you to do. I need thirty one-inch cubes of tofu, and would like two green onions stalks chopped. I will slice a number of mushrooms while the water is boiling. We’ll put it all together at the appropriate time.” Kaname paused, willing herself to be at peace. “Your turn.”
Sousuke began working on his cooking assignment. Running his hand trough his hair at one point, he started speaking.
“After I left my apartment for the last time, I boarded a commercial flight and flew to South Korea. A Mithril helicopter picked me up and took me to Da Danaan. For the next two weeks, they had me on light duty, having me help with maintenance work. Captain Testarossa and Lt. Cmdr. Kalini did not judge my mental condition fit for critical battles.” Sousuke slid the cutting board over to Kaname.
Kaname swallowed hard, her face rigid and distraught.
“It was not all terrible for me. I learned some new skills and used select books and literary works to continue on with my education. I was tutored where possible, and threw my full effort into it. Some part of me wanted to…..” Sousuke stopped. He bowed his head, then straightened his shoulders again.
"Who tutored you? Hopefully not Kurz!" Kaname instinctively tried to lighten the mood, even though she realized that wasn't the right thing to do after the words had left her mouth.
"No. Onboard Da Dannan, it was Captain Testarossa. She made great efforts on my behalf." Sousuke picked up a mushroom, turning it over in his hand and taking note of its structure.
Kaname grimaced. Tessa! She could imagine all too well what kind of efforts that she made.
She bit her lip. That wasn't fair. If Tessa had done only one thing to help Sousuke, it would have been more than she had done herself.
And, considering she asked Sousuke over tonight to see if she could further his interest in her, how could she begrudge someone else the same wish?
“Part of me wanted to make you proud, Kaname." Sousuke had popped a piece of tofu in his mouth, chewed, then swallowed. "I didn’t want to stop what I had started, and in doing so let you down... not after all the help you had given me. I… I…mmmmm… I also had hoped that we could be together once more, if the situation with the Whispered got worse.”
Kaname came close to crying.
She couldn’t help herself.
Knowing that she hadn’t allowed Sousuke to have any contact with her, the fact that he had still wanted to prove something to her broke her heart.
If only she knew then what she knew now.
“When I was deemed fit for duty, I didn’t have too much time to dwell on things. Arbalest was the only Lambda Driver capable Arm Slave for over a year. Every time the situation suggested even the slightest possibility of sophisticated enemy technology, I was included in the strike team. It was exhausting, but it kept my mind occupied. I was thankful for that...." Sousuke ran his finger along the top of the counter.
Kaname could easily sympathize with what Sousuke had just said. She had taken on more school products than she had time to handle, and had come close to burning herself out that way.
"My performance in battle deteriorated some over time, as I grew angry at my situation. My superiors stopped short of officially reprimanding me, but they were far from pleased. Their displeasure made me even more angry, as they were the ones who had….” Sousuke’s hands curled into fists. “They were the ones who made the decision to remove me from the assignment in Tokyo. For the first time in Mithril, I felt trapped.”
Kaname wiped away her tears.
She had felt trapped, too. No, 'cornered' was a more apt description. In all actuality, Sousuke didn't really have a viable alternative. She had choices, but backed herself into a corner and stayed there, angry at the world.
And at Sousuke.
“There… uh... there was no place I could go other than Mithril. As much as I wanted to stay in Tokyo and continue that lifestyle, I could not have done so without funding. I… I am ashamed to admit to you that I was not willing to accept some menial job to support myself while I went to school. I could have lived off my savings for a good while, but I was too proud to do that. I’m… I’m sorry, Kaname.” Souske’s voice grew rough.
He had to clear his throat.
Kaname stopped stirring the soup and walked over to Sousuke. She put her arms around him. She was shocked when Sousuke crushed her too him briefly, before letting her go again.
He needed someone to hold on to, even now, Kaname realized.
“Sousuke, you don’t owe me an apology. There was never any good and concrete reason for you to quit the one job that gave you the opportunity to live again." Kaname had come to accept that fact over time, but it hadn't been easy.
"But...."
"Mithril pulled you out of the gutter, just when you were about to drown in all of the filth and pain that surrounded you. Right?" Kaname wiped away a tear.
"Yes, but...."
"What did I ever give you, Sousuke? I opened my heart to you... sure... but I never told you that I did. Instead of admitting to you or myself how I felt, I got scared, and kept punishing and driving you away from me. What reason did I ever give you to make you sacrifice your world for me?”
The words made Kaname shudder.
She had been so hateful after Sousuke left, but so much of the blame rested on her. It was hard to see the stark cold truth, while listening to the pain in Sousuke’s voice.
“Kaname...no... you made me see things I had never seen before. You helped me feel things I had never felt. I…. uh... I looked forward to each day, for the first time in my life.” Sousuke looked away. He placed his hand on his forehead for a moment, then looked at Kaname, wanting her to see his point of view.
“Owwww….” Kaname had been so distracted by that last statement, that she had accidentally placed her hand on the edge of the lit burner.
“Kaname! Are you OK?” Sousuke immediately grabbed Kaname’s hand to look at it. “Do you have any burn cream or antiseptics? We should take care of this immediately.”
Kaname felt her heart drop out of her chest.
Sousuke had been in the middle of bearing his soul, talking about things that had caused him great grief. She was central in much of that. Even so, she injures herself, and he wastes no time in making certain that she was OK.
She didn’t deserve anyone like that.
How could she, after all that she had just heard?
Maybe she had been thinking too much about what she wanted, instead of what was best for Sousuke.
“It’s OK, Sousuke. Maybe I deserve some pain, after hearing what you said." She tugged at her hair a moment, biting on a strand or two. She walked back to the stove.
Sousuke was shaking his head.
"It’s my turn again. After we finish the soup, we can work on the tempura.” Kaname’s voice sounded weak and wavering.
“You are not being fair, Kaname." Sousuke sounded adamant. "You told me that I could not blame myself. We both share the blame in our own way. And, you have never done anything to me that would make you deserving of pain."
"How can you say that...." Kaname was incredulous.
"I would die before I let you get hurt, Kaname. That is not duty and obligation speaking any more. You have been through more difficult times than any squad of people deserve." Sousuke's eyes met Kaname's.
"Sousuke...."
"For that, you have my admiration. It does not matter that I may have had an even more difficult life. Neither of us chose our paths.” Sousuke placed his hand on Kaname’s shoulder and squeezed it tenderly.
Kaname put her hand on Sousuke's and squeezed back.
Why did he have to be so good to her?
Could she truly dedicate herself to him in the same way?
“Thank you, Sousuke. You almost make me think that I deserve someone like you. I’m not certain you deserve someone like me.” Kaname sniffed, needing to blow her nose on a paper towel.
“Kaname,” Souske’s voice was rough again. His eyes were vulnerable for a moment. He was obviously struggling with something. "I am not very good at understanding my feelings. I'm not very good with words."
"You're doing fine, Sousuke...." Kaname wrung her hands for a moment, wishing she knew what she could do to bring things back to the beginning again.
The emotions were getting so thick, she was truly afraid of what might happen.
“Please don’t condemn me to a life alone. You are the only woman I have ever wanted to care about. I wouldn't have ever learned what it meant to care for someone if you hadn't given me a reason.” He breathed in deeply and clenched his teeth. The words did not come easily. But, they had needed to be said.
"But...."
“I want you to understand. I had been content to be alone, before Tokyo. After I was forced to leave….” Anger flared up in him briefly. He slammed his hand down hard on the counter, causing one of the unsliced mushrooms to fly up into the air.
Kaname winced. Sousuke's hand had just missed her chopping knife.
“I do not understand all of my feelings. But I know that I did not want to leave you….” He sighed. "I wanted you to know that."
Kaname was too numb to move.
She should feel happy at what Sousuke had just said, but her heart felt like it was frozen in place.
She still felt as if she carried the bulk of the blame.
Damn!
It wouldn't do her any good to wallow in guilt or self-pity. Wasn't tonight supposed to be a special night?
Chin up, girl!
Sousuke is telling you he won't be happy unless you're happy.
“I’ll do my best to forgive myself, Sousuke. I’ll need your help, though." Kaname took a step towards Sousuke, trying to read his eyes and posture.
Sousuke took a half step of his own.
"Will you help me, Sousuke?” Kaname’s eyes teared up again. She began sobbing, unable to control the intensity of her sorrow.
Sousuke, hesitated for a second, still somewhat shy when it came to personal contact. The fact that it was Kaname who was in need, broke down one of his remaining barriers.
He stepped forward and took Kaname into his arms. He held her to him, and rested his chin against the top of her head. For the first time he could remember, tears fell from his eyes too.
Another barrier had broken as well.
“Kaname….” Sousuke spoke her name long and low. “There are no things that are unforgivable. There are things that are inexcusable, but you have done none of those to me. I have already told you that I forgive you. There is no reason not to forgive yourself.”
When the young soldier moved his cheek against Kaname’s, she pulled back with an inarticulate little squeak. She timidly touched one of Sousuke’s tears. Her eyes went wide with wonder.
"Sousuke...."
“It is not right for you to see a Specialist cry, Kaname.” Sousuke valiantly tried to smile, but failed.
“Sousuke, it’s OK for me to see the man I care about cry….. Specialist or not.” She blew her nose again. “You have nothing to be ashamed of. It’s wonderful to see that you are able to feel. It gives me hope. It does NOT lessen my respect or faith in you….”
“Still, a man….”
Kaname's temper flared to life. She was not about to stand there and hear someone that wonderful question himself.
That had been a breakthrough.
Couldn't the big idiot see that?
“Stow it Sousuke!!! And that’s an order!!!” Kaname kicked Sousuke in the shin, just to emphasize her words. “If I say it’s OK, it’s OK. OK?”
“Kaname….” Sousuke looked puzzled. Kaname’s mood had changed drastically. At least on the outside.
For her part, Kaname was watching Sousuke like a hawk. Three years ago, he would have stood at attention and said 'Affirmative.'
What would he do now?
“Do I have to kick you again, Sousuke?” Kaname stuck out her lower lip and furrowed her brow.
Please Sousuke, follow along....
“Do you want to, Kaname?” Sousuke held his leg out for her. The round of play was distracting him from his feelings as well.
He did it!
“Oooooooooooh. That’s it.” Kaname grabbed hold of Sousuke and began kicking him playfully.
Next, following the spirit of the moment, she tried to find out if he was ticklish. He was not. Before either of them knew it, things had changed yet again, in a dramatic and unforseen manner.
They both ended up sharing a deep long kiss.
Sousuke’s face was filled with amazement.
Kaname’s simply glowed.
“How did you change the mood like that, Sousuke? Maybe a Specialist has some value after all.” Kaname still felt somewhat saddened, but her mood was definitely on the rise.
“I’m sorry, it’s a secret Kaname. If I told you, I would have to kill you.” Sousuke tried to make a stern face, but he couldn’t help but grin.
“Ooooh... I l-o-o-o-o-v-e you, Sousuke....” Kaname put her hand on her mouth. That just slipped out. Sousuke’s comment had been so perfect, and her emotions had been climbing way too fast.
Was it a big mistake?
What would Sousuke do?
If he didn’t confess love himself, how would she feel?
And what would he think about himself?
Had she just splashed the hook too loudly?
Sousuke just stood there staring. His inaction had Kaname filled with conflicting emotions. The drawn out silence was a near palpable thing.
"Sousuke, I...."
“I do not know the correct answer, Kaname….” Sousuke looked distraught. “I believe the answer you must want would be confirmation that I feel the same way….. but I cannot say that in all honesty.”
Kaname’s face fell.
It was an honest answer, but a painful one. Her mind knew it was too soon to expect him to know his feelings, much less admit them. That was scant consolation to her heart.
“T-That’s OK, Sousuke…..” Kaname fought hard to pull her self together.
She was being way too emotional.
She should not make this any harder for Sousuke than she already had.
“That sort of slipped out. I’m not entirely sure that I love you. But, to be truthful.... it does feel that way.” Kaname held her head up.
“Kaname…. I….”
“I said it’s OK, Sousuke.” Kaname spoke softly, realizing that she needed to be patient. “It is. I don’t blame you or hate you. How can I, with what I just said?” Kaname smiled as best she could. She reached out and squeezed Sousuke’s hand. “I know you need time. I know that….”
Sousuke took Kaname’s face in his hand and spoke in a deep husky voice. “You misunderstand me, Kaname. I did not say that I lack deep feelings for you. I just can’t be sure what they are. After my parents were killed by the Soviets in Afghanistan, I had no way to be sure what love was, or how it felt.”
“Sousuke, I’m not asking you to---“ She stopped when Sousuke put his finger on her lips.
“Kaname, you hurt me more than anyone had ever hurt me.” Sousuke set his jaw when he saw Kaname’s eyes tear up. “But, that was because you were the only person I ever… uh…”
Kaname was trembling, angry with herself that she was being so emotional. She was Kaname Chidori. She was stronger than this.
Sousuke was trying to put his thoughts into words. He looked very determined, as if those words might make the difference between victory and defeat.
“I have good comrades, Kaname. Kurz and Melissa are my friends, and that friendship did not come easy for me.” Sousuke’s gaze was distant, as he thought about the way that he had changed since first joining the SRT. “You helped me learn to value friendship, Kaname. You also gave me reason to see there were feelings that were different than friendship…. better than friendship.”
“Sousuke….” Hearing that, Kaname leaned against Sousuke, not knowing just what to feel.
“I am sorry that my ignorance of such matters makes you unhappy. I do not wish you to be unhappy. When I left before, I do not know which caused me more sadness… the fact that I had to leave you… or the fact that you were unhappy.” Sousuke swallowed hard. He stared outside the window, not really paying any attention to what he saw there.
Kaname’s hands clutched at Sousuke’s shirt. She was too overcome with emotion to speak.
“I wish I were like other men.” There was a sorrow in Sousuke’s voce that spoke of more than just his relationship with the girl clinging to him. “If I knew what to do----“ Kaname placed her hand over his mouth.
Kaname shook her head. Sighing, she wrapped her arms around Sousuke.
They stood like that for a number of minutes, each lost in the tangle of their own thoughts and emotions.
Sousuke spoke up first.
“If you would be willing to teach me Kaname, I would be willing to learn….”
Kaname stepped away from Sousuke, so she could look into his eyes. They were both silent again for a little while.
“Me and my big mouth, huh?” She wiped her eyes and smiled.
“Affirmative.”
Kaname looked somewhat cross, but her eyes softened almost immediately thereafter.
“It is a very nice mouth, Kaname.”
Kaname grinned. “You’re learning already, Sousuke."
"Learning, Kaname?" His response had Kaname shaking her head.
"OK. Enough of that. We have a lot of cooking to do. And you have more things to tell me.”
“We should begin then, should we not?” Sousuke said..
“Yes. But this time, try not to get so emotional on me!” Kaname tossed her hair, purposefully hitting Sousuke in the face.
Sousuke sighed.
“Show some backbone, soldier!” Kaname’s voice was rich and filled with life again.
Watching Kaname go back to work, Sousuke wondered just what he had gotten himself into.
He very much wanted to find out.
Kaname was feeling a little guilty, and not a just a little bit embarrassed by her behavior.
It wasn’t as if she had done anything terribly wrong. Admittedly, her actions had been bit scandalous and possibly a good bit premature. She was most concerned about her level of control.
She had never quite felt this way before.
What was it about the young man standing in her kitchen that had her libido dialed so high and her heart racing so fast?
She hadn’t felt that exact way about him in high school.
Does absence make the heart grow fonder? She certainly hadn't been all that fond of him immediately after his assignment had been terminated three years ago.
Regardless of her motivations, Kaname did not want to do anything that scared Sousuke away.
“Kaname?” Sousuke turned a curious gaze on his companion.
“I should have offered you tea. It would be nice to share tea together while we work.” Kaname bit her lip. It was true, she should have offered him tea. But, that was not what she had originally meant to say. It was probably better not to make a big deal over her previous behavior.
Sousuke didn’t look like he was terribly uncomfortable.
And, who knows where her surging emotions might take her next?
“Yes. That would be very pleasant. But your manners are fine, Kaname. I....” Sousuke stopped abruptly. He looked at Kaname, wondering just what things he felt comfortable admitting to her.
“Sousuke?” Kaname wondered just what Sousuke had been about to say. She wanted him to feel free to say anything that came to his mind. “Please. You can tell me anything. I really would like it if you would be comfortable enough to tell me everything….”
“I like you just the way you are.” Sousuke looked relieved, as if it had been difficult to get that off his chest.
Kaname blushed. Once again, a large smile lit up her face. “Thank you Sousuke.”
Kaname thought once again, just how different Sousuke was from other boys. He was so shy, but totally sincere. She wouldn’t trade him for any other guy on campus. Why stop there? She wondered if there could be anyone else who could make her feel the way this semi-clueless otaku did.
Was she overreacting? Jumping the gun?
Part of her sniffed and held its nose up high. What did that say about her, if a moody military maniac was her highest aspiration? The other part of her just smiled. Sousuke just seemed to fit with her. She didn’t know why.
If it feels right, it is right.
Did it feel right?
“Kaname, were you aware that tea is the most commonly consumed drink in the world after water ?” Sousuke took a pot of water from Kaname and put it on a burner. Lighting the stove, he bent over.
Kaname found herself holding her breath.
Settle down, Kaname!
“I guess I never thought about that, Sousuke.” Kaname just nodded her head. She could never tell just what Sousuke would think was worth talking about. At least it wasn’t something military.
Who kept who guessing?
“Tea is an ancient beverage that was enjoyed for at least 1,600 years before the Europeans ever tasted it. If Chinese legends are to believed, it would have it almost 4,500 years that they have been enjoying the beverage.” Sousuke selected a tea from the ones that Kaname offered him.
“Oh. That’s a very long time.” Kaname wondered just how much she was going to learn about tea.
“But it was only about 1,000 years ago, during the Song dynasty, that tea drinking started to become widespread and the government began to supervise the production of tea, regulate its trade, and collect tea taxes. Buddhist monks, who were not permitted alcohol and needed stimulation to stay awake during meditation, are given much credit for helping to popularize the beverage, as well as for carrying tea culture to Korea and Japan. “ Sousuke watched as Kaname continued with her preparations.
“What’s your favorite kind of strong simulation, Sousuke?” Kaname bit her lip to keep from chuckling.
Ooops.
Tone it down just a little, young lady….
“Uh... well.... being in a life or death situation... I would say...” Sousuke looked at Kaname a moment, before looking away.
“Hmmmmm... we’re going to have to change that, I think....” Kaname gave Sousuke a pat on the rump. He swallowed hard.
To Hell with it! I’m having fun.
Go with the flow, girl.
“Yes... I...errr…. the Portuguese reached the South China coast in 1514 and became the first Europeans to gain the right to trade with China and the first to drink tea. They were also the first to introduce tea in Europe, and in the following century tea became one of the prizes sought in the three-way tug-of-war between the Portuguese, Dutch, and English for control of the China trade.” Sousuke felt uncomfortable, seeing the look in Kaname’s eyes. As a Specialist, he should be ready to take on any unexpected situation. This was beyond his level of expertise, however.
“Want to know what prize I’m after, Sousuke?” Kaname smirked. If Sousuke was going to keep assaulting her with facts, she would find some way to turn it to her advantage.
It was good for him.
It would keep him on his toes.
See, there was a practical purpose to all this, after all.
“I believe... uh... you are a prize, Kaname.” Sousuke felt safer heading in that direction, even thought that was uncharted waters for him as well. He was no longer completely clueless.
And, he thought that it would make Kaname smile again. Those smiles made him feel very good, even though he wasn’t entire sure why.
He saw her blush prettily.
The success gave him some confidence.
“Tea ..... along with coffee and cacao..... caught on in Europe during the seventeenth century, which in turn increased demand for slave-grown sugar to sweeten the new beverages.”
“You’re pretty sweet yourself. Do you know that, Sousuke?” Kaname grinned, wanting to see how the rough tough soldier would react to that one.
“Uh....”
“Does that make you uncomfortable, Sousuke?” Kaname had a more serious look on her face now.
“I... being sweet is not a useful quality in a soldier, Kaname.” Sousuke was moving one of his feet around a little bit.
“I see.” Kaname pursed her lips. Yes, this would be a good time to make a certain point. She walked over and stood in front of Sousuke.
“Sousuke, when you are on duty or in combat, you need to be a soldier. When you are alone with me, you are NO LONGER a soldier. You’re my boyfriend. Nothing more, and nothing less. OK?” She snuggled up against him. “It’s alright to put your arm around me. I promise I won’t bite.”
“But....”
“No buts, Sousuke. You’re so much more than a soldier. It’s time you started seeing that. If you can’t see it for yourself, just watch me. I’ll find plenty of ways to show you. This is one....” Kaname put her arms around Sousuke’s neck... looked into his eyes for a moment... then softly placed her lips on his.
Sousuke shuddered at first, then relaxed. Ever so slowly, he responded, although somewhat timidly.
“We’ll work on that later.” Kaname let go of Sousuke. “Now, do you have anything else to tell me about tea” She doubted it. She probably addled his brain. He might need to check in back aboard that submarine to have a short or two fixed. Hmmmpppfff!
Sousuke stood silently for a moment, not exactly certain what he was feeling.
By the look on his face, he had discovered some new desires, and was probably deciding whether they were proper or not. Nodding his head, he stood taller.
“Tea was a staple of the English colonists in North America and, because of a British tax, became one more source of friction between the thirteen colonies and England, which ultimately resulted in the Boston Tea Party..... one in a succession of steps that seem to have led to the American Revolution.”
Kaname just shook her head. She had kissed him, and he was talking about tea again.
Only Sousuke.
She didn’t mind... it was part of who he was.
The blue-haired girl realized just how hard she was falling for that numbskull.
She also decided on what she wanted to talk about while they cooked. She had some difficult things to discuss, and so did he.
“About finished there? There are some other things I would like to hear about, if you’re willing to tell me.” Kaname’s voice was very soft, almost vulnerable. There were things she was frightened of. It would be best to deal with them now, in case their emotions were to grow more complicated with time.
“Ummm… I will finish by stating that it was only in the nineteenth century that Europeans discovered the secrets of tea cultivation, thus dispelling an ignorance that until then had meant monopoly for China. I will not bore you with details of how China continued to dominate the markets of the world despite the fact that the British established the great plantations of Assam and Ceylon in India, and the Dutch created tea plantations in their East Indian colonies.” Sousuke looked over at Kaname, who simply smiled in return.
“That was very informative, Sousuke. Are you SURE you don’t have any more. I want to make certain that it is out of your system.” Kaname folded her arms over her chest.
“I could discuss how the situation with tea eventually led to the Opium Wars of the 1840s, during which Britain triumphed militarily and effectively "opened" China to the trade of the world while wrangling huge territorial and trade concessions for itself.” Sousuke watched the way that Kaname had started tapping her foot. “Uh… I think I have said enough.”
“There’s hope for you yet, Sousuke.” She smiled again, then ran over to wrap him up in a fierce hug.
“I missed you so much, Sousuke. I lied to myself, saying that I didn’t. But, I did. I really did. I don’t even know if I can put it in words.” She clung to him a short while before stepping back again. “That’s what I want to explain to you later.”
Sousuke’s face closed up some. His posture grew more rigid.
“Kaname, you do not owe me any explanation. I was a soldier doing my job. You did not ask for me to be assigned to you. I should not have allowed myself to….. develop uh…. feelings…. and….”
“No, Sousuke!!!” The words exploded out of Kaname’s mouth, shocking both her and Sousuke. “Don’t you EVER think about blaming yourself for doing anything wrong. I was the one at fault. Me. Kaname Chidori. And I want you to know why... after you tell me about your life these past three years. It… it hurts me... to think that I don’t know what’s happened to you….” Tears came to Kaname’s eyes.
“We have cooking to do. I’ll show you what I can. Can you please talk to me while we’re busy?” Kaname’s face was anxious. One of her hands trembled a bit, then stopped.
“Yes, Kaname. But you do not need to discomfort yourself on my account. The times were difficult, but I survived.” Sousuke looked concerned for Kaname. He didn’t seem wrapped up in his own feelings.
“Yes I do, Sousuke. I should clear the air between us. I want to build on something new and strong. And, I want you to listen to me again. Right now. Are you listening?"
"Yes, Kaname."
"There………. is………. more………. to life………. than just………. surviving………..” She continued on in a quieter, silky smooth voice. “Especially between two people who…. care deeply for each other.”
There was a word Kaname almost used.
She didn’t know if it held true for Sousuke…..or if it ever would.
She did know that she wasn’t ready to use it yet. It would get her hopes too high. And, it was still too soon to be absolutely sure.
That's what her head had to say. Her heart knew differently. What would break the tie?
“What is it you wish me to do, Kaname?” Sousuke’s voice sounded even and calm. His willingness to talk had Kaname feeling very grateful. She was also filled with glowing admiration for him.
“I would like you to help me with miso soup, first. I’ll tell you the things that my mother once taught me. I would also like you to trade off with me. For everything I tell you, I’d like to have you tell me something about the last three years, starting from the beginning.” Kaname hoped that she wasn’t coming on too strong in a different way, now.
But, she had faith in Sousuke, and confidence in herself.
“I will do that for you, Kaname. I would do whatever I can, for you.” Sousuke’s face softened. His eyes spoke of past pain and future hope.
“Thank you. Well then, let’s get started so we can get finished before morning!” Kaname organized the things that she would need.
“Miso soup base is made out of a fish stock called dashi. You can purchase dashi at any Oriental food shop. You can enjoy almost any vegetable with this soup, from lettuce to snow pea pods. Each time we make this… and I hope we have many opportunities, Sousuke… we can try a different vegetable.” Kaname smiled. “We’ll have to try Chinese cabbage….. Lettuce….. Onions….. Leaks….. Okra….. Butternut squash….. Daikon radishes….. Potatoes….. Mushrooms….. Sweet potatoes….. And bean sprouts. Not to mention tofu, natto beans, and Wakinabe seaweed.”
“That’s a lot of times, Kaname.” Sousuke looked stunned.
“Isn’t it, now?” Kaname preened. She had slid that one in nicely. He didn’t object. “Green pepper, celery, and other vegetables with strong flavor are not recommended.”
“Understood!” Sousuke’s brisk answer had Kaname giggling. He blushed, then smiled.
“All hard vegetables must be cooked for ten minutes or so. OK? Hmmm, where was I. Yes. Here’s what I need for you to do. I need thirty one-inch cubes of tofu, and would like two green onions stalks chopped. I will slice a number of mushrooms while the water is boiling. We’ll put it all together at the appropriate time.” Kaname paused, willing herself to be at peace. “Your turn.”
Sousuke began working on his cooking assignment. Running his hand trough his hair at one point, he started speaking.
“After I left my apartment for the last time, I boarded a commercial flight and flew to South Korea. A Mithril helicopter picked me up and took me to Da Danaan. For the next two weeks, they had me on light duty, having me help with maintenance work. Captain Testarossa and Lt. Cmdr. Kalini did not judge my mental condition fit for critical battles.” Sousuke slid the cutting board over to Kaname.
Kaname swallowed hard, her face rigid and distraught.
“It was not all terrible for me. I learned some new skills and used select books and literary works to continue on with my education. I was tutored where possible, and threw my full effort into it. Some part of me wanted to…..” Sousuke stopped. He bowed his head, then straightened his shoulders again.
"Who tutored you? Hopefully not Kurz!" Kaname instinctively tried to lighten the mood, even though she realized that wasn't the right thing to do after the words had left her mouth.
"No. Onboard Da Dannan, it was Captain Testarossa. She made great efforts on my behalf." Sousuke picked up a mushroom, turning it over in his hand and taking note of its structure.
Kaname grimaced. Tessa! She could imagine all too well what kind of efforts that she made.
She bit her lip. That wasn't fair. If Tessa had done only one thing to help Sousuke, it would have been more than she had done herself.
And, considering she asked Sousuke over tonight to see if she could further his interest in her, how could she begrudge someone else the same wish?
“Part of me wanted to make you proud, Kaname." Sousuke had popped a piece of tofu in his mouth, chewed, then swallowed. "I didn’t want to stop what I had started, and in doing so let you down... not after all the help you had given me. I… I…mmmmm… I also had hoped that we could be together once more, if the situation with the Whispered got worse.”
Kaname came close to crying.
She couldn’t help herself.
Knowing that she hadn’t allowed Sousuke to have any contact with her, the fact that he had still wanted to prove something to her broke her heart.
If only she knew then what she knew now.
“When I was deemed fit for duty, I didn’t have too much time to dwell on things. Arbalest was the only Lambda Driver capable Arm Slave for over a year. Every time the situation suggested even the slightest possibility of sophisticated enemy technology, I was included in the strike team. It was exhausting, but it kept my mind occupied. I was thankful for that...." Sousuke ran his finger along the top of the counter.
Kaname could easily sympathize with what Sousuke had just said. She had taken on more school products than she had time to handle, and had come close to burning herself out that way.
"My performance in battle deteriorated some over time, as I grew angry at my situation. My superiors stopped short of officially reprimanding me, but they were far from pleased. Their displeasure made me even more angry, as they were the ones who had….” Sousuke’s hands curled into fists. “They were the ones who made the decision to remove me from the assignment in Tokyo. For the first time in Mithril, I felt trapped.”
Kaname wiped away her tears.
She had felt trapped, too. No, 'cornered' was a more apt description. In all actuality, Sousuke didn't really have a viable alternative. She had choices, but backed herself into a corner and stayed there, angry at the world.
And at Sousuke.
“There… uh... there was no place I could go other than Mithril. As much as I wanted to stay in Tokyo and continue that lifestyle, I could not have done so without funding. I… I am ashamed to admit to you that I was not willing to accept some menial job to support myself while I went to school. I could have lived off my savings for a good while, but I was too proud to do that. I’m… I’m sorry, Kaname.” Souske’s voice grew rough.
He had to clear his throat.
Kaname stopped stirring the soup and walked over to Sousuke. She put her arms around him. She was shocked when Sousuke crushed her too him briefly, before letting her go again.
He needed someone to hold on to, even now, Kaname realized.
“Sousuke, you don’t owe me an apology. There was never any good and concrete reason for you to quit the one job that gave you the opportunity to live again." Kaname had come to accept that fact over time, but it hadn't been easy.
"But...."
"Mithril pulled you out of the gutter, just when you were about to drown in all of the filth and pain that surrounded you. Right?" Kaname wiped away a tear.
"Yes, but...."
"What did I ever give you, Sousuke? I opened my heart to you... sure... but I never told you that I did. Instead of admitting to you or myself how I felt, I got scared, and kept punishing and driving you away from me. What reason did I ever give you to make you sacrifice your world for me?”
The words made Kaname shudder.
She had been so hateful after Sousuke left, but so much of the blame rested on her. It was hard to see the stark cold truth, while listening to the pain in Sousuke’s voice.
“Kaname...no... you made me see things I had never seen before. You helped me feel things I had never felt. I…. uh... I looked forward to each day, for the first time in my life.” Sousuke looked away. He placed his hand on his forehead for a moment, then looked at Kaname, wanting her to see his point of view.
“Owwww….” Kaname had been so distracted by that last statement, that she had accidentally placed her hand on the edge of the lit burner.
“Kaname! Are you OK?” Sousuke immediately grabbed Kaname’s hand to look at it. “Do you have any burn cream or antiseptics? We should take care of this immediately.”
Kaname felt her heart drop out of her chest.
Sousuke had been in the middle of bearing his soul, talking about things that had caused him great grief. She was central in much of that. Even so, she injures herself, and he wastes no time in making certain that she was OK.
She didn’t deserve anyone like that.
How could she, after all that she had just heard?
Maybe she had been thinking too much about what she wanted, instead of what was best for Sousuke.
“It’s OK, Sousuke. Maybe I deserve some pain, after hearing what you said." She tugged at her hair a moment, biting on a strand or two. She walked back to the stove.
Sousuke was shaking his head.
"It’s my turn again. After we finish the soup, we can work on the tempura.” Kaname’s voice sounded weak and wavering.
“You are not being fair, Kaname." Sousuke sounded adamant. "You told me that I could not blame myself. We both share the blame in our own way. And, you have never done anything to me that would make you deserving of pain."
"How can you say that...." Kaname was incredulous.
"I would die before I let you get hurt, Kaname. That is not duty and obligation speaking any more. You have been through more difficult times than any squad of people deserve." Sousuke's eyes met Kaname's.
"Sousuke...."
"For that, you have my admiration. It does not matter that I may have had an even more difficult life. Neither of us chose our paths.” Sousuke placed his hand on Kaname’s shoulder and squeezed it tenderly.
Kaname put her hand on Sousuke's and squeezed back.
Why did he have to be so good to her?
Could she truly dedicate herself to him in the same way?
“Thank you, Sousuke. You almost make me think that I deserve someone like you. I’m not certain you deserve someone like me.” Kaname sniffed, needing to blow her nose on a paper towel.
“Kaname,” Souske’s voice was rough again. His eyes were vulnerable for a moment. He was obviously struggling with something. "I am not very good at understanding my feelings. I'm not very good with words."
"You're doing fine, Sousuke...." Kaname wrung her hands for a moment, wishing she knew what she could do to bring things back to the beginning again.
The emotions were getting so thick, she was truly afraid of what might happen.
“Please don’t condemn me to a life alone. You are the only woman I have ever wanted to care about. I wouldn't have ever learned what it meant to care for someone if you hadn't given me a reason.” He breathed in deeply and clenched his teeth. The words did not come easily. But, they had needed to be said.
"But...."
“I want you to understand. I had been content to be alone, before Tokyo. After I was forced to leave….” Anger flared up in him briefly. He slammed his hand down hard on the counter, causing one of the unsliced mushrooms to fly up into the air.
Kaname winced. Sousuke's hand had just missed her chopping knife.
“I do not understand all of my feelings. But I know that I did not want to leave you….” He sighed. "I wanted you to know that."
Kaname was too numb to move.
She should feel happy at what Sousuke had just said, but her heart felt like it was frozen in place.
She still felt as if she carried the bulk of the blame.
Damn!
It wouldn't do her any good to wallow in guilt or self-pity. Wasn't tonight supposed to be a special night?
Chin up, girl!
Sousuke is telling you he won't be happy unless you're happy.
“I’ll do my best to forgive myself, Sousuke. I’ll need your help, though." Kaname took a step towards Sousuke, trying to read his eyes and posture.
Sousuke took a half step of his own.
"Will you help me, Sousuke?” Kaname’s eyes teared up again. She began sobbing, unable to control the intensity of her sorrow.
Sousuke, hesitated for a second, still somewhat shy when it came to personal contact. The fact that it was Kaname who was in need, broke down one of his remaining barriers.
He stepped forward and took Kaname into his arms. He held her to him, and rested his chin against the top of her head. For the first time he could remember, tears fell from his eyes too.
Another barrier had broken as well.
“Kaname….” Sousuke spoke her name long and low. “There are no things that are unforgivable. There are things that are inexcusable, but you have done none of those to me. I have already told you that I forgive you. There is no reason not to forgive yourself.”
When the young soldier moved his cheek against Kaname’s, she pulled back with an inarticulate little squeak. She timidly touched one of Sousuke’s tears. Her eyes went wide with wonder.
"Sousuke...."
“It is not right for you to see a Specialist cry, Kaname.” Sousuke valiantly tried to smile, but failed.
“Sousuke, it’s OK for me to see the man I care about cry….. Specialist or not.” She blew her nose again. “You have nothing to be ashamed of. It’s wonderful to see that you are able to feel. It gives me hope. It does NOT lessen my respect or faith in you….”
“Still, a man….”
Kaname's temper flared to life. She was not about to stand there and hear someone that wonderful question himself.
That had been a breakthrough.
Couldn't the big idiot see that?
“Stow it Sousuke!!! And that’s an order!!!” Kaname kicked Sousuke in the shin, just to emphasize her words. “If I say it’s OK, it’s OK. OK?”
“Kaname….” Sousuke looked puzzled. Kaname’s mood had changed drastically. At least on the outside.
For her part, Kaname was watching Sousuke like a hawk. Three years ago, he would have stood at attention and said 'Affirmative.'
What would he do now?
“Do I have to kick you again, Sousuke?” Kaname stuck out her lower lip and furrowed her brow.
Please Sousuke, follow along....
“Do you want to, Kaname?” Sousuke held his leg out for her. The round of play was distracting him from his feelings as well.
He did it!
“Oooooooooooh. That’s it.” Kaname grabbed hold of Sousuke and began kicking him playfully.
Next, following the spirit of the moment, she tried to find out if he was ticklish. He was not. Before either of them knew it, things had changed yet again, in a dramatic and unforseen manner.
They both ended up sharing a deep long kiss.
Sousuke’s face was filled with amazement.
Kaname’s simply glowed.
“How did you change the mood like that, Sousuke? Maybe a Specialist has some value after all.” Kaname still felt somewhat saddened, but her mood was definitely on the rise.
“I’m sorry, it’s a secret Kaname. If I told you, I would have to kill you.” Sousuke tried to make a stern face, but he couldn’t help but grin.
“Ooooh... I l-o-o-o-o-v-e you, Sousuke....” Kaname put her hand on her mouth. That just slipped out. Sousuke’s comment had been so perfect, and her emotions had been climbing way too fast.
Was it a big mistake?
What would Sousuke do?
If he didn’t confess love himself, how would she feel?
And what would he think about himself?
Had she just splashed the hook too loudly?
Sousuke just stood there staring. His inaction had Kaname filled with conflicting emotions. The drawn out silence was a near palpable thing.
"Sousuke, I...."
“I do not know the correct answer, Kaname….” Sousuke looked distraught. “I believe the answer you must want would be confirmation that I feel the same way….. but I cannot say that in all honesty.”
Kaname’s face fell.
It was an honest answer, but a painful one. Her mind knew it was too soon to expect him to know his feelings, much less admit them. That was scant consolation to her heart.
“T-That’s OK, Sousuke…..” Kaname fought hard to pull her self together.
She was being way too emotional.
She should not make this any harder for Sousuke than she already had.
“That sort of slipped out. I’m not entirely sure that I love you. But, to be truthful.... it does feel that way.” Kaname held her head up.
“Kaname…. I….”
“I said it’s OK, Sousuke.” Kaname spoke softly, realizing that she needed to be patient. “It is. I don’t blame you or hate you. How can I, with what I just said?” Kaname smiled as best she could. She reached out and squeezed Sousuke’s hand. “I know you need time. I know that….”
Sousuke took Kaname’s face in his hand and spoke in a deep husky voice. “You misunderstand me, Kaname. I did not say that I lack deep feelings for you. I just can’t be sure what they are. After my parents were killed by the Soviets in Afghanistan, I had no way to be sure what love was, or how it felt.”
“Sousuke, I’m not asking you to---“ She stopped when Sousuke put his finger on her lips.
“Kaname, you hurt me more than anyone had ever hurt me.” Sousuke set his jaw when he saw Kaname’s eyes tear up. “But, that was because you were the only person I ever… uh…”
Kaname was trembling, angry with herself that she was being so emotional. She was Kaname Chidori. She was stronger than this.
Sousuke was trying to put his thoughts into words. He looked very determined, as if those words might make the difference between victory and defeat.
“I have good comrades, Kaname. Kurz and Melissa are my friends, and that friendship did not come easy for me.” Sousuke’s gaze was distant, as he thought about the way that he had changed since first joining the SRT. “You helped me learn to value friendship, Kaname. You also gave me reason to see there were feelings that were different than friendship…. better than friendship.”
“Sousuke….” Hearing that, Kaname leaned against Sousuke, not knowing just what to feel.
“I am sorry that my ignorance of such matters makes you unhappy. I do not wish you to be unhappy. When I left before, I do not know which caused me more sadness… the fact that I had to leave you… or the fact that you were unhappy.” Sousuke swallowed hard. He stared outside the window, not really paying any attention to what he saw there.
Kaname’s hands clutched at Sousuke’s shirt. She was too overcome with emotion to speak.
“I wish I were like other men.” There was a sorrow in Sousuke’s voce that spoke of more than just his relationship with the girl clinging to him. “If I knew what to do----“ Kaname placed her hand over his mouth.
Kaname shook her head. Sighing, she wrapped her arms around Sousuke.
They stood like that for a number of minutes, each lost in the tangle of their own thoughts and emotions.
Sousuke spoke up first.
“If you would be willing to teach me Kaname, I would be willing to learn….”
Kaname stepped away from Sousuke, so she could look into his eyes. They were both silent again for a little while.
“Me and my big mouth, huh?” She wiped her eyes and smiled.
“Affirmative.”
Kaname looked somewhat cross, but her eyes softened almost immediately thereafter.
“It is a very nice mouth, Kaname.”
Kaname grinned. “You’re learning already, Sousuke."
"Learning, Kaname?" His response had Kaname shaking her head.
"OK. Enough of that. We have a lot of cooking to do. And you have more things to tell me.”
“We should begin then, should we not?” Sousuke said..
“Yes. But this time, try not to get so emotional on me!” Kaname tossed her hair, purposefully hitting Sousuke in the face.
Sousuke sighed.
“Show some backbone, soldier!” Kaname’s voice was rich and filled with life again.
Watching Kaname go back to work, Sousuke wondered just what he had gotten himself into.
He very much wanted to find out.
) some tape and a lamp! *strut* Multipurpose art supplies, don't have to spend more money! oh yeah.... (You know, I think that'd be more impressive within an art community... oh well.) I was holding the pages up to the window, but since it's dark out now... 
....... just kidding 
