[FIC] Silver Lining
Posted: Tue Aug 24, 2004 7:59 pm
A/N: a short unrelated fiction, exploring the events following the Full Monty Bacteria debacle.
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It still hurt to walk.
There is only so much a Specialist can do against an angry mob, if he cannot or will not resort to deadly force. The mob on the other hand, can do just about anything it wants.
Sousuke would never forget the sight of angry and naked students descending upon him from all sides. His statement that the crowd should at least be happy that they took something from the entire misunderstanding fell on deaf ears.
The irate teenagers had all cooperated, with a single goal in mind.
No, a single target.
They had all been so filled with savagery and a need for vengeance, that naked girls had joined in with nude boys on their mission. Sousuke was wise enough to know that he would have more debts to pay later because of that.
The angriest attacker had been Tsubaki Issei, mumbling something about Misuki and his virtue.
In contrast, Misuki had spoken up for him, and actually gave him a quick kiss on the cheek.
Naturally, that had not gone over too well with Kaname.
The reaction of his classmates and the Jindai High School officials had not been the worst of it. The disappointment that Captain Testarossa and Lt. Cmdr. Kalinin had expressed regarding his behavior hurt him worse than anything else.
He had been a failure as a student… as a human being… and as a soldier.
His actions had broken so many trusts.
After being dressed down with a minimum of rhetoric, he had been left wondering if there was any place for himself in civilized society.
One thing had been confusing, however. Why did the Captain want to know if any of the substance remained? For study purposes? To make certain that a repeat occurrence did not take place?
Naturally, Sgt. Weber and Sgt. Major Mao had collapsed to the floor laughing. Melissa said that the story had been so good, that Sousuke deserved a prize. She had grabbed him and pulled her into her cabin. For the next half an hour, she told him what words to say and what noises to make. The whole point had been to drive Kurz crazy. Nevertheless, he blushed for a full day after that.
Women.
Sousuke wondered if he would ever understand them.
Somehow, Mithril managed to keep Sousuke at Jindai High School. After the dust all settled… and the media was circumvented as much as possible… the young sergeant was allowed back in school.
It must have cost a lot of money to erase his name from police reports and the files of the JSDF.
Returning to class gave Sousuke an understanding of what a leper must have felt like in the ancient times. Nothing he said seemed to matter. Yes, he brought the bottle into class…… but he had not expected anyone to try and steal a sip from his possession. There was a Bio-Hazard emblem on the container!
Why didn’t anyone blame Onuki. Perhaps its was the straw and the camel's back. That, and the fact that none of it would have happened if the canister never found its way to class.
Yes, everyone had reason to be angry. But, why couldn't they at least see some good in the actions he had taken to try and rectify the situation as best he could?
He had wisely quarantined the group of infected students. He had taken off his NBC suit to share the same fate as his fellows. He had even offered up the sole vial of vaccine to the person who won the lottery.
No. In everyone's mind, he became an even worse pariah when he had drawn the winning slip of paper!
The teacher wouldn’t even speak to him. Neither would Mr. Fujisaka, who had been severely injured by stampeding students. The janitor had given him a very strange look, asking him if he wanted to meet his chainsaw again.
Fortunately, none of that impacted on his mission.
Kaname’s attitude could have a tremendous effect, however. There was no doubt about that, whatsoever.
After he returned, she would not even speak to him for the first day. Not only would she not speak to him, she would also would not even glance in his direction. She also refrained from punishing him with her omnipresent paper fan.
Sousuke had been left with little choice. He would persevere. It was his job. And, it was for Kaname. So, he continued to follow her wherever she went, but respected her feelings by remaining silent and by keeping a fair distance.
On the second day, he remembered something that Kurz had said. Usually, he ignored Sgt. Weber’s advice on women. By all accounts, it had a high likelihood of being wrong. But, he had been right concerning hi treatement of Kaname in the past.
Sousuke wasn’t good at personal relationships. And, it was difficult for him to admit his mistakes. But, he could do this.
“I am sorry, Kaname. I should not have brought that bottle into class. I will attempt to be more responsible. I shall try to learn how to have better judgment.”
Those words had been truthful and heartfelt.
Kaname didn’t reply. At least not verbally. She did send him cart wheeling with the halisen, however.
It was a start.
By the end of the first week, she was correcting his homework and chastising him for minor social mistakes, all without saying more than three words. One of the words was usually ‘idiot,’ ‘moron,’ ‘jerk,’ or something that Sousuke considered anatomically impossible and improbable.
Her actions had not been overlooked by the rest of the class. At first they were angry with Kaname, and she took her subsequent displeasure out on him. But, the class began coming around as well, with the exception of the Karate Club leader. When Sousuke finally consented to fight him hand to hand and narrowly lost, a slight chilling in their relationship began.
Tsubaki would forgive him if he would help keep Mizuki way.
It wasn't simple. She was very determined.
Kaname had told him that she absolutely did not want to be bothered after school this day. Sousuke did not argue as he usually would have. He did not follow her against her will.
First of all, he was serving ‘near eternal’ detention. Second, he had simply wanted some time to himself to think.
Did he wish to continue on this mission any more? Was he really necessary in this setting? Could he ever sort out the confusing feelings he had for the girl he was supposed to be protecting?
Sitting on a tall and steep embankment, he glanced over at the waterway, not really paying attention to anything in particular. The sun was setting, painting a glorious hue of roes and gold over the surreal cityscape. Something about the setting tugged at him, but he couldn’t put it into words.
Why would it matter? He was alone. And, he had little use for anything as impractical and selfish as emotions.
There was a very slight sound. No one else probably would have taken any notice. Looking out of the corner of his eyes, he saw a girl sit down on the embankment, not more than ten feet from him.
It was Kaname.
She unwrapped something from the Ohaio Shop. It appeared to be a Fried Trident. Humming happily to herself, Kaname took out a large styrofoam bowl out of a bag and removed the covering. Soba noodles. The bag was from the shop in front of the train station.
Sousuke remembered something that his classmate had said.
“I’m afraid too. I would have liked to try a Fried Trident from the Ohaio Shop. I want to enjoy wonderful Soba noodles from the Soba shop in front of the station.” She had gone on to try and calm her fellow students by saying “Even with death in front of us, we must stand firm.”
He had regained consciousness just prior to that. When he asked her why she was crying, Kaname had told him to shut up. They were all reflecting on human conscience.
“Go away and die elsewhere.”
Why did that bother him now? He hadn’t been particularly stung by her words at the time.
Kaname's reactions had the uncanny ability to keave him uncomfortable or confused. For example, when he had mentioned the vaccine to Kaname soon after she made her displeasure known, she did not show any sign of gratitude or hope. Instead, she had told him that he was a genius at making things complicated.
That was obviously not a positive attribute in her eye..
But, he was what he was… and who he was.
Kaname began singing. Her voice was very pleasant, even though Sousuke did not usually pay much attention to things like that.
“'Cause gentleness can sometimes be cruel… the longer I search, the more I lose sight of the answer.” The blue-haired girl stopped singing to take a bite of the fried treat she had bought and cut into two pieces.
Sousuke looked over at her, trying to seem as if he were not. Kaname did not seem unhappy. At least that was good. He had never heard that song before. However, he could well relate to the lyrics.
“If you see a rainbow over the city when the rain lifts… let’s start walking, as something new is about to begin.” Kaname unscrewed a thermos bottle and took a drink of something hot. The sight of the bottle had Sousuke thinking back to that day again.
Kaname had shaken him, asking him what they were supposed to do once the students had left the classroom and broken quarantine. She had struck him then. After he had tried to give her an appropriate suggestion, she responded unhappily.
“Same old figures of speech to the end. But at least I’ll be relieved of all those things you do.”
She had been despondent. But, that did not explain the true relief she had in her voice at that moment. His actions must really be a trial to her, if their future absense could soften the blow of approaching death.
It was not a very good endorsement.
Not as a professional.
Definitely not as a person.
The later had begun becoming important to him. Obviously, it had been a mistake to listen to his feelings. He should have known better.
“Because you’re here… because there’s tomorrow… because we can’t go on living alone….” Kaname began attacking her Soba noodles with great gusto. There was a second bowl sitting at the ground near her feet.
Sousuke wondered why there were two bowls. It didn’t matter, really. Perhaps she had gotten two by accident. Maybe she was going to meet up with a friend. Still, her proximity to him would not seem a very likely coincidence, especially if she did not want to be around him.
Was Kaname there to see him?
Why?
“I feel you so close to my side… isn’t that called love… you know the number of my tears and my pain… and so in your translucent eyes, I want to seek this certain sunrise… and find your smile.” Kaname put her bowl and fork down. She turned to face Sousuke.
Sousuke looked over at Kaname.
“Hungry, Sousuke?” Kaname’s voice didn’t have its usual friendly lilt, the sparkle that had seemed to be absent since that catastrophic afternoon.
The young soldier considered his possible replies. He wasn’t truly hungry… but, if she intended some kind of peace offering, might it not be wise to accept it?
“A little.” His words became truth, as his stomach rumbled ever so slightly.
“I see….” Kaname returned to eating, not saying another word. She did not look at him while she did so. After sighing, she looked down at the water.
Sousuke considered her actions. Was she teasing him again? That would be a good sign. Instead, if she were tormenting him, that would have less than positive connotations.
He looked away from her. Did it really matter, one way or the other?
Perhaps it was best for her if he never again tried to think of her as anything more than an assignment.
“There’s enough here for two, if you would like some. My appetite is not as large as I had thought. I won’t be able to eat it all.” Kaname still didn’t look at him, but she pushed the bowl as far towards him as she could, and held the Fried Trident up in her hand.
Had she truly bought more than she needed? Or, had she purposely bought enough to share with him?
“I am thankful for your offer. If you wish to leave it there, then leave my presence… I will understand….” Sousuke scowled after he said that. Where was that feeling of sadness and loss coming from. Nothing truly tragic had happened as a result of everything!
Life in the unforgiving bosom of Afghanistan had been far worse than anything he had experienced lately.
“Maybe I should do that, you big idiot.” Kaname stood up and brushed herself off. She threw the food towards Sousuke with a condescending flick of her wrist. “Hmmppff!” The look she turned on Sousuke had the young man wondering just how quickly she could change her moods. Every day, she seemed intent on besting her previous record.
Sousuke was not so clueless that he didn’t see what had Kaname miffed.
“I… if you would consent to remain, I would prefer that….” He nodded his head, then took a bite of the Trident. “This is very good. It was worth living for.” He knew the statement was foolish, but it was the type of thing that people often said to one another to lighten the mood.
Kaname stood silently for a few moments.
“Is my life going to be worth living again, Sousuke?” Kaname sounded very serious. Sousuke’s choice of words had definitely struck some chord.
Sousuke wasn’t exactly certain what she meant. He had a reasonable suspicion, but would try the other interpretation first. “I cannot say, Kaname. You remain Whispered. Who can say whether or not your identity was passed along to others, or sits somewhere, just waiting for discovery.”
Kaname put both of her hands on her hips. “That is NOT what I meant!” She came very close to growling.
“I know.” Sousuke ran his hand through his hair. He glanced down at his feet. “I can make no promises. But, I have been told in no uncertain terms that I have used up my nine lives. If there are any more noteworthy mistakes, I will be removed from the school for good.”
“Oh….” Kaname walked a bit closer to Sousuke. “Isn’t that what you said last time….”
“Affirmative. That word had come from the Finance Department. They are only tangentially involved in decision making. The final edict has come from High Command, with the blessing of Captain Testarossa and Lt. Cmdr. Kalinin.” Sousuke picked up a stone and threw it as far as he could, unable to follow its final path as it faded imperceptibly against the darkening ground.
“I see…” Kaname took few more steps. “Maybe that would be better for you.” There was a strange catch in her voice. Sousuke wasn’t entirely certain which outcome she would prefer. “What do you think?” Those last words had seemed a trifle rushed.
“I would not wish to leave you… uh, leave this mission. It remains unfinished.” Sousuke bowed his head. He felt somewhat apprehensive, but also a slight bit expectant, just as he had when Kaname had coaxed him into saying that she was beautiful. “But, whatever was best for you, would be best for me.”
Kaname stood a moment, the rays of the setting sun making her seem more real than anything else in Sousuke’s surroundings. Tossing her hair, she walked over and sat down next to Sousuke.
“If Mithril can give you one more chance, I suppose that Kaname Chidori can as well.” Kaname tapped Souuske hard on the knee. “My idea of what is a significant disturbance will be a lot less forgiving than your superiors.”
Sousuke picked up another stone, then a second. Throwing the first in the air, he sighted, then tried to change its trajectory with the second stone. He barely missed.
“Understood. Guns and Explosives are acceptable. Bacteriological weapons are not.” Sousuke wanted to see what Kaname’s response would be. She would either sigh and hang her head, or strike him and say something heated.
Kaname sat quietly, her mouth open and one hand clenched. She closed her mouth. “Perhaps I should just shoot myself and get it over with.”
Sousuke procured a pistol seemingly out of nothingness. “Here. It currently carries a lethal load. No rounds are chambered.” He handed it to Kaname.
Kaname grimaced. She knew that Sousuke was not offering her a chance to shoot herself. But, his humor left something to be desired.
Though, any attempt at humor from Sousuke should be duly logged and noted.
Kaname took the pistol, making certain to keep her finger away from the trigger. “Of course, I might save a lot of people some trouble if I shoot you.”
“Affirmative.” Sousuke thought back to a number of books that he had read on the Samurai. “If you believe I have dishonored you, I freely offer you my life.” He unbuttoned a number of buttons on his shirt.
Kaname gave a short little inarticulate squeak. “Don’t be so melodramatic, Sousuke. No one likes a put on. At least I don’t. Hmmppff!” Kaname put the gun down by Sousuke. She stared at his chest for a moment.
“I was being serious, Kaname.” Sousuke put the pistol away. “If I had injured you sufficiently to cause you to take such grievous action, then I would have deserved your sanction. I am glad that you did not find it necessary.”
Kaname shook her head. “You really worry me sometimes, Sousuke!” Kaname couldn’t help but feel a strange warmth inside her. “I guess it’s my mission to look after a nutcase like you. Geez!” Kaname laughed quietly.
Sousuke sat quietly, not knowing what to say. His skills at responding verbally were clearly improving, but he had little experience in leading a social conversation. He took a bite of the Trident, using that as an excuse to mask his uncertainty.
“This is good.” There. He had made a verbal offering. Wisely, he refrained from commenting on the less than healthy nature of the snack item.
“Yes.” That was all that Kaname said. She seemed to be uneasy. Looking at Sousuke, she wrung her hands together on her lap.
“Is there something you wish to ask me or tell me, Kaname?” Sousuke wondered just what was on Kaname’s mind. She retained the capacity of unsettling him and surprising him at any given moment.
“Uh…” Kaname’s hands now grasped her knees.
“Kaname?” Sousuke grew more curious.
“Uh…” Kaname looked away from Sousuke.
“You usually yell at me when I answer in such a fashion, Kaname. Is there a double standard?” Sousuke placed his hand on his chin. He stared intently at Kaname.
“Yes. There is. You should have gotten that message a long time ago. Moron!” Kaname spoke in a rush.
“Do you intend to say ‘Uh’ again? You have my permission to delay without speaking , if you like.” Sousuke figured that would get Kaname to speed things along.
“Oh… and do you think that I need your permission, you misinformed military miscreant?” Kaname grabbed a handful of grass and threw it at Sousuke.
“Negative. I just thought that you might wish to finish before it gets dark.” Sousuke brushed off the grass and dirt that landed on his pants. Some had also gone down his shirt. Standing, he took out his shirt tail, allowing the debris to fall out.
“Hmmmpppfff. I’m in no rush, Sousuke. If you’re so eager to be done with my company, I can do you a favor and leave. Jerk.” Kaname pulled up some more grass. “If I didn’t want to sit in the dark with some clueless trouble-making otaku, I would say so.”
Sousuke sat quietly. He figured that Kaname would finally get around to asking her question now.
“Um… well… what I wanted to ask you was…” She stopped, then pulled at her hair a little. “When we were in the classroom, you told me to come with you to the infirmary. I told you to wait, and you said you couldn’t….”
“I said ‘There’s no time.’ Your interpretation was correct, however.” Sousuke swallowed hard. That last comment had been unnecessary. He needed to keep his commentary to a minimum.
Kaname sighed.
“I apologize. Please continue.” Sousuke didn’t want Kaname to grow too annoyed with him, not if there was something important on her mind.
“You were so eager to get me inside, that you shot off the lock. You then… uh….” Kaname faltered.
“I pulled aside the curtain on an infirmary cot, then ordered you to take off your clothes.” Sousuke began to sweat some. Sitting there next to Kaname… the emergency situation long since over… those words made him feel somewhat anxious.
“Yes… ummm… I was just wondering… I had said….” Kaname was blushing, but there was no way fro Sousuke to see that. Her voice gave him a clue to her emotional state just the same.
“Your words were as follows. ‘What are you saying? Don’t tell me… no way… just because we’re going to die, it’s too sudden.’ After that, you continued by saying ‘I have to prepare myself mentally. Besides, in a place like this….’ Next----” Sousuke was interrupted.
“I KNOW what I said next, Sousuke. I’m not stupid, you know! Sheesh!” Kaname tried to control her breathing. There was no reason for her to get over excited. “You put your hand on… uh… my shoulder… ummm… and told me not to say anything, and to just take off my clothing.”
“Correct.” Sousuke flinched when Kaname umped up against him momentarily.
“W-W-why???” Kaname swallowed har, her eyes zeroed in on Sousuke’s shadow etched face.
“Kaname?” Sousuke was surprised. He would have thought that Kaname would have realize the purpose of his actions.
“Why… why did you want me to… uh…” Kaname clasped her too hands together.
“What was your original conjecture, Kaname?” Sousuke wanted to see if he had been misunderstood. Suddenly, he realized what his action to be construed to mean. His fingers flexed rapidly. He blinked repeatedly. “Uh….”
“I suppose… you could have already known or guessed… ummm… what the bacteria was going to do? You were looking out for me?” Kaname wasn’t certain how she wanted Sousuke to answer. One intention would have been very sweet and considerate. She certainly wouldn’t mind if Sousuke acted that way more often. The other motive would have been somewhat brazen… but…
“That it correct, Kaname. I did not wish for you to be embarrassed when your clothes disintegrated.” Sousuke felt somewhat ambivalent himself. If that is what Kaname had thought, there would be no reason to feel uncomfortable. However…. “That is not what you originally conjectured, was it?” Sousuke began sweating.
Kaname wanted to smack the big lout, saying ‘What kind of thing is that to ask a lady?’ But, she knew that wasn’t fair. She must have been pretty obvious if Sousuke caught on.
“N-No. To be honest… I… thought you might have wanted to… with me… if we were going to both die….” Kaname bit her lip. She had skipped over the embarrassing part.
Great show of courage, girl!
Kaname?” Sousuke felt as if someone had poured a bucket of ice water down his back.
The pressure to finally just put things in the open couldn’t be contained. “Sex, Sousuke! I thought you might want to get me naked… get me in bed… then just get me. Do.......... you.......... get.......... me? Sex.” As soon as her anger at his obtuseness wore off, Kaname felt mortified.
“I… uh… I will accept your word at it.” Sousuke had to admit to himself that he had felt some degree of physical need when he thought of Kaname naked behind the curtain. He hoped she would not ask him that question. There was something he felt compelled to ask, even though he fought not to. “Did you wish to be gotten?”
Kaname sputtered. “S-Sousuke!” She stood up. “What kind of thing is that to ask a lady?”
“I see. You did not. I shall store that away for future record.” Sousuke ran his hand through his hair, struggling with one key point. “But, you did remove all of your clothing. You could not have known about the effects of the bacteria….”
Kaname didn’t say anything. She just stood there as if she had been carved from stone.
Sousuke looked over at her, wondering what she might be thinking. Had he overstepped his bounds? She had instigated this line of discussion after all.
When Kaname spoke, her voice had a strange wistful quality about it.
"I care about you Sousuke. I didn't want to ummmm... you know... at first, even though I thought I was going to die and would never have a chance at such things. But... you were so insistent and I...." Kaname stopped, finding it hard to believe she was discussing this with anybody. But, she felt compelled to be honest now. The two of them needed to know where each other stood in so many ways.
Sousuke thought back over things that he had seen in his career as a soldier... things that had always made him angry for reasons he never understood.
"I understand. You thought that I was intent on forcing you. You gave in. That is reprehensible on my part, even though it was not my intention. To have cause you to feel that way..." Sousuke's voice went bitter, filled with self recrimination. "I am the worst type of man...." He shrugged his shoulders, angry and somewhat confused. "It may be best if I request removal from this mission."
"Sousuke... no!" Kaname bit her lip. She sounded all too eager and frantic there, like some junior high girl. "I mean, you shouldn't think that way about yourself. I know what you had in mind. It was an honest mistake on my part."
"You are kind, Kaname. It is one of your finer characteristics...... when you are not striking me with foreign objects." Sousuke checked his watch, to get an accurate idea of the time. "The fact of the matter is that you had debased yourself, convinced that you would have to do something you did not wish to do. That is a heavy burden for me to bear."
Kaname stood quietly, caught on the horns of a dilemma. If she kept comfortably quiet, Sousuke would beat himself up over something he didn't need to. The thought that he deserved it did not make her feel any better. But, if she were to tell him the deepest truth....
"Sousuke. It... well... it was not something that I didn't want to do." Kaname swallowed hard. It was too late to turn back now. She could retract those words, but Sousuke would know better.
She just had to know Sousuke's motives, hadn't she? Look at the corner she had painted herself into!
Maybe that was her whole idea.
Was that what she secretly wanted? To get the subject out in the open? To use it as a way to ease them into a less intimate but more personal relationship?
Sousuke stood straighter, his eyes immediately seeking out Kaname. "I am confused... first you said that you did not... then you said... uh... ummm...." His throat felt tight for some reason. He felt the need to run and keep running.
But, he also did not wish to leave that place just yet.
Kaname took a deep breath and held it. She squeezed her eyes tight, wishing she could rewind things and do things differently. There was ample opportunity to hem and haw her way through this, driving them both into a state of distraction.
It would be best to put things in simple concrete terms for that otaku.
"We've shared a lot together, Sousuke. I'm interested in you, as girls are interested in boys. Even though you drive me crazy half the time, the other half I feel happy and excited. I've wanted you to pay attention to me in... other ways. But..... you..... are..... so..... different!" Kaname felt the need to hit or kick something. Anything.
"I know that, Kaname. I cannot---"
"Sousuke! This would be a very good time to stand at attention and listen. Saluting is optional!" Kaname's voice was rather stern. Sousuke acted out of instinct, bringing his legs together and putting his arms straight down at his sides. "Honestly! I should probably have my head examined...."
"If that is true, then---" Sousuke never had a chance to frame his thoughts.
"Baka! No speaking in ranks. Is..... that..... understood...." Kaname walked up and stood in front of Sousuke.
"Sir, yes Sir!" Sousuke looked directly ahead of himself, eyes not focusing on the lights going on in the buildings across that city area.
"Ooooooh... I don't know why I bother sometimes. I really don't!" Kaname walked away a bit, then paced for a while. Gratified by Sousuke's silence, she gathered her thoughts together again. She would be damned if she let that big jerk derail her once she made her mind up.
"I know you are a soldier, Sousuke. I know you are assigned to look after me. We both know that you have been acting above and beyond that call of duty." Kaname dared him to say something. He did not. "Once you crossed that line, you got my hopes up, Sousuke. I hoped that you could behave like a normal guy. Talking. Laughing. Invitations to go for walks or to the movies." She paused a moment, sighing. "Dates."
Sousuke's eyes widened. He had seen all that type of behavior amongst his classmates. It had been a curiosity, a learning experience. A way of knowing the terrain he was forced to traverse. At times, he had even felt strange emotional urges within himself.
He had wondered what it would be like to have such a life.
Kaname stood with her back turned to Sousuke. She had said quite a mouthful. All of her frustrations and aggravations spun around her at that moment, making her dizzy and disappointed.
"No sweet words. No attempts at flirting. No letters. No candy or flowers. No hand holding. No chasing." Kaname's voice sounded dejected. "No kisses...."
Sousuke was stunned. Kaname had wanted all of that from him? Why? He was so different than everyone else. What did he know about the way a boy was supposed to act around a girl. No, what did he know about how a boy was supposed to feel about a girl?
In that moment, he felt as if he had somehow failed her. Admitting that, he also wondered if he had somehow failed himself.
But, those things were outside of his mission!!!
Any emotional attachment might reduce his effectiveness. What would the sense be in growing closer to someone he was destined to leave? Why share things with someone, while placing them at greater and greater risk as a result?
Those reasonable questions were roughly shouldered aside by a more urgent one.
If there was no mission, what would he want?
There were indeed feelings inside of him. He just didn't know what they meant, or how he should respond to them.
In some ways, he suddenly felt like he had when he was a child, a gun in his hand for the first time.
Sousuke opted to use a strategy that had served him well in the past, in different matters. He forced himself to picture a world without Kaname. Not some nebulous day a month or two from now. Tomorrow. The next day. A string of successive days.
"I am sorry that I have failed you, Kaname. I would not wish to be parted from you. It is how I feel, though I do not fully understand it." Sousuke kicked at a stone in the soil. "They did not teach me such things in training camp. There was no opportunity to see, do, or teach such matters when I fought as a child."
'In bygone days, commanders were taught that when in doubt, they should march their troops towards the sound of gunfire. I intend to march my troops towards the sound of gunfire.'
Those words had been spoken by Joseph Grimond, Baron of Firth. Sousuke realized that there was no point in retreating now. He needed to head towards the sound of gunfire.
"I wish that it was otherwise." The truth did not truly shock him, but it did leave him feeling very uneasy.
Had he made a mistake?
No. He needed to face the truth. And, he should share his thoughts with Kaname. So that she could make whatever decisions best suited herself.
The words of Yoshida Shoin were also pertinent in there own way:
'If a general and his men fear death and are apprehensive over possible defeat, then they will suffer defeat and death. But if they make up their minds from the general down to the last foot soldier, not to think of living but of standing in one place and facing death together, then though they have no other thought than meeting death, they will instead hold on to life and gain victory.'
Kaname slowly walked over to Sousuke again. "Really? You are not just saying something that you think will make me happy?"
Sousuke opened his mouth to say 'Affimative.' No words came out. That was not doing anyone any good. He remembered a saying that had been written on one Samurai banner:
'Fast as the wind, quiet as a forest, aggressive as fire, and immovable as a mountain.'
He had given himself over to Kaname in service, in a manner of speaking. His honor dictated that he do whatever was necessary to serve her well.
"I would not lie in such matters, Kaname. You have come to mean more to me than any woman ever has." Sousuke looked down at his feet. He was dealing with a difficult dichotomy. It was hard being a Specialist in some things, but a veritable tyro in others.
"Oh...." Kaname sounded surprised. She stepped a little closer to Sousuke. "Was it hard to say that, Sousuke?"
"Y-Yes." He did not elaborate. This was all beyond him. Not surprisingly, a quote from Niccolo Machiavelli came to mind:
'The first way to lose your state is to neglect the art of war; the first way to win a state is to be skilled in the art of war.'
Sousuke had neglected the art of human relations for most of his life.
"Then you were very brave telling me the truth." Kaname's voice was very quiet, but full of life. "Thank you." She pushed a lock of hair out of her face, thinking for a moment. "You don't have to be an expert in everything you do, Sousuke. In some things, I don't want an expert. I would like someone to learn with. If you already knew everything, how could we do that?"
"Uh...." Sousuke was struck hard by those words. He had never looked at things that way before, in any situation. Not only were there things that he did not have to be proficient at, but there were also things that it was best that he did not carry an expert rating.
It felt as if the entire world shook for a moment, realigning itself to that new paradigm.
"That thought implode your little Sousuke brain?" Kaname chuckled. "I don't know what you would do without me, Mister!" She smiled, relieved that she had shed her anger and resentment like an old threadbare coat.
It had hurt, being resentful towards someone whom she had grown so unconsciously dependent on.
"Affirmative. All systems commencing shut down." It was as close as Sousuke would come to telling a joke. His mind really did feel as if it needed to reboot for the new information to take hold.
Feeling flushed with her victory, Kaname decided to take things even further. It may be unrealistic... unadvisable... and uncalled for... but she didn't care. She had not gotten through all of the adversity in her life by standing still and letting things come to her.
"Well, that's not surprising. You're a man after all. Your capacities are greatly limited." She reached over and put her hand on Sousuke's cheek. "But, I won't hold that against you." She bit her lip, but continued just the same. "Unless there are things that you would like me to hold against you."
Kaname realized she was taking a great risk
Flirting might actually shut him down for good, if it didn't send him fleeing into the encroaching darkness.
Sousuke swallowed hard. He felt his heart begin to beat faster and faster. He was definitely out of his element. Julius Caesar had put things plainly enough:
'War gives the right to the conquerors to impose any condition they please upon the vanquished.'
He felt as if he were out of ammunition, surrounded by a very determined foe. That was the entirely wrong attitude. There must be some way to regain at least a modicum of control.
No one had schooled him in the appropriate strategy or tactics. He had never come across a book titled 'The Art of Romance.'
And yet...
There was a book he had read extensively in. He offered a silent apology to Sun Tzu for using his wisdom for his own devices.
'In battle, combat is engaged directly with force, but victory is gained by surprise. Therefore the masters of the unpredictable are infinitely powerful, like heaven and earth, and inexhaustible as rivers. When they come to an end, they start again, like the cycle of days and months. When they die, they are reborn like the seasons.'
"There are. But I am not certain that we have reached that level of closeness." Sousuke began sweating. Certain feelings were calling out for his attention, but they were ones he traditionally suppressed, the moment he took even slightest notice of them.
Kaname's hand twitched before it fell away. Sousuke could hear her quick inrush of breath. It appeared that she was not expecting that response.
"Sousuke?" Kaname's voice was soft, almost timid. "What are you saying?"
Sousuke took note of her change in attitude. Suddenly, she seemed shy and uncertain. How could she have changed so dramatically in such a short period of time? There was no relative comparison he could take from the battlefield. Unless she had been bluffing.
Perhaps he should probe in that direction. It would be highly informative.
He would stick with surprise. The problem was, the response that came to mind surprised even himself. It took great bravado to voice his thought.
"I give you permission to hold anything against me that you wish. It is true that I need to learn things. I would not wish to discover them with anyone other than yourself." The words had Sousuke feeling somewhat tense, because he realized they were true.
He also began to get an idea of just what that admission meant.
Had he just said those things?
Was the time spent around Kurz Weber having a deleterious effect on him?
Kaname sighed. Sousuke didn't know if that was a sigh of contentment or an expression of disappointment. Had he decided incorrectly? It wouldn't be the first time....
"I think I will start by holding you to those words, Sousuke. There's no need to rush and get ahead of ourselves, is there?" Kaname took hold of Sousuke's hand. She was still trying to puzzle her way through his sudden change in approach.
Did it make any sense to get her hopes up, knowing what she did of Sousuke? Every time she had thought that he was coming around, he had done or said something that showed her how wrong she had been.
"No sense in stumbling and making mistakes we don't need to. There will be plenty of opportunity for that as it is, I would wager." Kaname began swinging Sousuke's arm this way and that.
"I concur. However, mistakes are not a problem. Georges Clemenceau said that 'war is a series of catastrophes that results in a victory.' Those are pertinent words." Sousuke felt confident with that pronouncement. He still had a lot to learn.
"Wrong!" Kaname jerked Sousuke's arm, almost causing him to stumble. "Otaku words are always a mistake, and always a problem." She dug her fingernails into his hand ever so slightly. "And... they... are... never... pertinent...."
"How can that be so? A great Greek general and historian once said that the nation that makes a great distinction between its scholars and its warriors will have its thinking done by cowards and its fighting done by fools. He also said that men naturally despise those who court them, but respect those who do not give way to them." Sousuke stood firm, not intending to be pulled around any more.
"Ooooh...." Kaname kicked Souuske hard in the shin. When he instinctively lifted his leg, Kaname tugged again, harder than she had intended. Sousuke ended up grabbing on to her to keep from knocking her to the ground. "This affectionate ploy will NOT save you, Mister!" Kaname stomped on his foot. "That Greek guy is dead. Your fate is still open for debate." She stomped again. "Women want to be courted. And you better learn to give way to me... sometimes...."
Sousuke disentangled his arms from Kaname and took a few steps back towards relative safety.
"I think it is time to head home, Kaname." Sousuke felt somewhat cowardly. He wasn't really making a retreat, though.
"Yes, I suppose it is." She smiled wickedly, wanting to find another way to put Sousuke on edge. "Your home or mine?" He would pay for using military quotes at a time like this.
"Uh...." Sousuke froze. Was she joking? Could she be intending to....
"Our first lesson for the night will be this." Kaname took hold of his hand again. "We will walk holding hands. It is a pleasant and tame way to touch a person you are fond of." She smiled again. "Get used to it!"
"Uh... affirmative... tame... touching." Sousuke tried to take down notes in mental shorthand.
Kaname was gratified by Sousuke's tone of voice. He was clearly off balance. Why not strike again, while his defenses were down?
Damn.
Now she was thinking in military terms.
Big idiot!
"Hmmmmm....." She sounded close to purring. "Before we practice that for a while, there is something a little less tame we should try out. Purely for educational purposes, you understand." She put Sousuke's captive arm around her and stepped up against him. "I need to see just what you need tutoring with. Just like with our schoolwork."
"Ummm....Kaname...." Souske began to sweat again. His breathing was speeding up, with his breaths becoming somewhat shallow.
"I think it is about time you kiss me, Sousuke." Kaname didn't feel the least bit disappointed at having to beg for a kiss. Sometimes a person just has to reach out and grab the brass ring.
"Uh.... kiss...." Sousuke sounded like he was about to collapse or something.
"Kiss, Sousuke. K..... i..... s..... s....." Kaname pressed up against Sousuke. "Unless you want to jump ahead to a later lesson. " That ought to do it.
"Kissing will suffice, Kaname. Pressing our lips together. Just as I had done with Misuki." Sousuke had managed to pull that off well enough, even though he ended up suffering as a result of his miscalculation.
"NO!" Kaname was not joking. "Not Mizuki. Me. For pleasure, not as part of some stupid charade." Kaname looked up at Sousuke. "You better not pretend anything with me, do...... you...... hear...... me?" She blushed, realizing how demanding she had sounded.
"Uh... understood. Ummm... should I kiss you now...." Sousuke felt as if he were dreaming. Not that long ago, he had been sitting alone pondering whether or not he had any reason to be here any more. Now, he was about to do something that was not as simple as he might try and convince himself.
Kissing for real carried some degree of significance.
Once he crossed into that territory, could he safely cross back?
Would he want to?
"Yes. If you know what's good for you." That had come across brusque. "And, if you truly want what's best for me...." That had come across tenderly, with no hint of coquetry.
Hesitating a moment, Sousuke leaned over to kiss Kaname. He had intended a brief and cursory contact. That option disappeared when Kaname wrapped her arms around his neck with no intention of letting go any time soon.
At first startled... then confused by the play of emotions he was confronted with... Sousuke gradually followed Kaname's lead.
"Well, we were a bit rushed. But, that will do...... for now." Kaname sounded very happy.
Sousuke felt somewhat disoriented. The experience had been very pleasant, and had him looking forward to additional lessons. Part of him, however, reacted a touch less happily. It would do?
Was that any way to show a Specialist respect?
His response surprised him. Kaname's mischievous behavior must be rubbing off on him. He was not certain if that was a good thing; but, he could examine that later.
"I see. I take it then we should proceed to the point where you disrobe again. You never did finish telling me what you had wanted to do that day. If---" There was no excuse for his lapse in security. He should have predicted that Kaname would respond physically, joke or no joke.
"What? Jerk!" Kaname pushed with all of her might against Sousuke. Losing his balance, he slid along a dry area of grass. Before he knew it, he was tumbling down the embankment, a loud and resounding 'Hmmppff' echoing in his ears.
When he finally made his way back to the top, Sousuke found Kaname there waiting for him. She was not apologetic, but he hadn't expected her to be. It would be out of character for her...... at least until she made some demonstrative statement, or somehow justified her actions.
"Sousuke...." She sounded happy, not angry. "What am I going to do with you?" She let out a long breath.
"If tonight is any indication... anything you want...." Sousuke shook his head. He was only partly making light of the situation.
That had hurt!
And, he somehow felt that he had gone from being in control of the situation to being left with no recourse whatsoever.
Women! They are deceptively dangerous....
"Good answer!" Kaname gave him another kiss, then grabbed his hand and pulled him on his way.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
It still hurt to walk.
There is only so much a Specialist can do against an angry mob, if he cannot or will not resort to deadly force. The mob on the other hand, can do just about anything it wants.
Sousuke would never forget the sight of angry and naked students descending upon him from all sides. His statement that the crowd should at least be happy that they took something from the entire misunderstanding fell on deaf ears.
The irate teenagers had all cooperated, with a single goal in mind.
No, a single target.
They had all been so filled with savagery and a need for vengeance, that naked girls had joined in with nude boys on their mission. Sousuke was wise enough to know that he would have more debts to pay later because of that.
The angriest attacker had been Tsubaki Issei, mumbling something about Misuki and his virtue.
In contrast, Misuki had spoken up for him, and actually gave him a quick kiss on the cheek.
Naturally, that had not gone over too well with Kaname.
The reaction of his classmates and the Jindai High School officials had not been the worst of it. The disappointment that Captain Testarossa and Lt. Cmdr. Kalinin had expressed regarding his behavior hurt him worse than anything else.
He had been a failure as a student… as a human being… and as a soldier.
His actions had broken so many trusts.
After being dressed down with a minimum of rhetoric, he had been left wondering if there was any place for himself in civilized society.
One thing had been confusing, however. Why did the Captain want to know if any of the substance remained? For study purposes? To make certain that a repeat occurrence did not take place?
Naturally, Sgt. Weber and Sgt. Major Mao had collapsed to the floor laughing. Melissa said that the story had been so good, that Sousuke deserved a prize. She had grabbed him and pulled her into her cabin. For the next half an hour, she told him what words to say and what noises to make. The whole point had been to drive Kurz crazy. Nevertheless, he blushed for a full day after that.
Women.
Sousuke wondered if he would ever understand them.
Somehow, Mithril managed to keep Sousuke at Jindai High School. After the dust all settled… and the media was circumvented as much as possible… the young sergeant was allowed back in school.
It must have cost a lot of money to erase his name from police reports and the files of the JSDF.
Returning to class gave Sousuke an understanding of what a leper must have felt like in the ancient times. Nothing he said seemed to matter. Yes, he brought the bottle into class…… but he had not expected anyone to try and steal a sip from his possession. There was a Bio-Hazard emblem on the container!
Why didn’t anyone blame Onuki. Perhaps its was the straw and the camel's back. That, and the fact that none of it would have happened if the canister never found its way to class.
Yes, everyone had reason to be angry. But, why couldn't they at least see some good in the actions he had taken to try and rectify the situation as best he could?
He had wisely quarantined the group of infected students. He had taken off his NBC suit to share the same fate as his fellows. He had even offered up the sole vial of vaccine to the person who won the lottery.
No. In everyone's mind, he became an even worse pariah when he had drawn the winning slip of paper!
The teacher wouldn’t even speak to him. Neither would Mr. Fujisaka, who had been severely injured by stampeding students. The janitor had given him a very strange look, asking him if he wanted to meet his chainsaw again.
Fortunately, none of that impacted on his mission.
Kaname’s attitude could have a tremendous effect, however. There was no doubt about that, whatsoever.
After he returned, she would not even speak to him for the first day. Not only would she not speak to him, she would also would not even glance in his direction. She also refrained from punishing him with her omnipresent paper fan.
Sousuke had been left with little choice. He would persevere. It was his job. And, it was for Kaname. So, he continued to follow her wherever she went, but respected her feelings by remaining silent and by keeping a fair distance.
On the second day, he remembered something that Kurz had said. Usually, he ignored Sgt. Weber’s advice on women. By all accounts, it had a high likelihood of being wrong. But, he had been right concerning hi treatement of Kaname in the past.
Sousuke wasn’t good at personal relationships. And, it was difficult for him to admit his mistakes. But, he could do this.
“I am sorry, Kaname. I should not have brought that bottle into class. I will attempt to be more responsible. I shall try to learn how to have better judgment.”
Those words had been truthful and heartfelt.
Kaname didn’t reply. At least not verbally. She did send him cart wheeling with the halisen, however.
It was a start.
By the end of the first week, she was correcting his homework and chastising him for minor social mistakes, all without saying more than three words. One of the words was usually ‘idiot,’ ‘moron,’ ‘jerk,’ or something that Sousuke considered anatomically impossible and improbable.
Her actions had not been overlooked by the rest of the class. At first they were angry with Kaname, and she took her subsequent displeasure out on him. But, the class began coming around as well, with the exception of the Karate Club leader. When Sousuke finally consented to fight him hand to hand and narrowly lost, a slight chilling in their relationship began.
Tsubaki would forgive him if he would help keep Mizuki way.
It wasn't simple. She was very determined.
Kaname had told him that she absolutely did not want to be bothered after school this day. Sousuke did not argue as he usually would have. He did not follow her against her will.
First of all, he was serving ‘near eternal’ detention. Second, he had simply wanted some time to himself to think.
Did he wish to continue on this mission any more? Was he really necessary in this setting? Could he ever sort out the confusing feelings he had for the girl he was supposed to be protecting?
Sitting on a tall and steep embankment, he glanced over at the waterway, not really paying attention to anything in particular. The sun was setting, painting a glorious hue of roes and gold over the surreal cityscape. Something about the setting tugged at him, but he couldn’t put it into words.
Why would it matter? He was alone. And, he had little use for anything as impractical and selfish as emotions.
There was a very slight sound. No one else probably would have taken any notice. Looking out of the corner of his eyes, he saw a girl sit down on the embankment, not more than ten feet from him.
It was Kaname.
She unwrapped something from the Ohaio Shop. It appeared to be a Fried Trident. Humming happily to herself, Kaname took out a large styrofoam bowl out of a bag and removed the covering. Soba noodles. The bag was from the shop in front of the train station.
Sousuke remembered something that his classmate had said.
“I’m afraid too. I would have liked to try a Fried Trident from the Ohaio Shop. I want to enjoy wonderful Soba noodles from the Soba shop in front of the station.” She had gone on to try and calm her fellow students by saying “Even with death in front of us, we must stand firm.”
He had regained consciousness just prior to that. When he asked her why she was crying, Kaname had told him to shut up. They were all reflecting on human conscience.
“Go away and die elsewhere.”
Why did that bother him now? He hadn’t been particularly stung by her words at the time.
Kaname's reactions had the uncanny ability to keave him uncomfortable or confused. For example, when he had mentioned the vaccine to Kaname soon after she made her displeasure known, she did not show any sign of gratitude or hope. Instead, she had told him that he was a genius at making things complicated.
That was obviously not a positive attribute in her eye..
But, he was what he was… and who he was.
Kaname began singing. Her voice was very pleasant, even though Sousuke did not usually pay much attention to things like that.
“'Cause gentleness can sometimes be cruel… the longer I search, the more I lose sight of the answer.” The blue-haired girl stopped singing to take a bite of the fried treat she had bought and cut into two pieces.
Sousuke looked over at her, trying to seem as if he were not. Kaname did not seem unhappy. At least that was good. He had never heard that song before. However, he could well relate to the lyrics.
“If you see a rainbow over the city when the rain lifts… let’s start walking, as something new is about to begin.” Kaname unscrewed a thermos bottle and took a drink of something hot. The sight of the bottle had Sousuke thinking back to that day again.
Kaname had shaken him, asking him what they were supposed to do once the students had left the classroom and broken quarantine. She had struck him then. After he had tried to give her an appropriate suggestion, she responded unhappily.
“Same old figures of speech to the end. But at least I’ll be relieved of all those things you do.”
She had been despondent. But, that did not explain the true relief she had in her voice at that moment. His actions must really be a trial to her, if their future absense could soften the blow of approaching death.
It was not a very good endorsement.
Not as a professional.
Definitely not as a person.
The later had begun becoming important to him. Obviously, it had been a mistake to listen to his feelings. He should have known better.
“Because you’re here… because there’s tomorrow… because we can’t go on living alone….” Kaname began attacking her Soba noodles with great gusto. There was a second bowl sitting at the ground near her feet.
Sousuke wondered why there were two bowls. It didn’t matter, really. Perhaps she had gotten two by accident. Maybe she was going to meet up with a friend. Still, her proximity to him would not seem a very likely coincidence, especially if she did not want to be around him.
Was Kaname there to see him?
Why?
“I feel you so close to my side… isn’t that called love… you know the number of my tears and my pain… and so in your translucent eyes, I want to seek this certain sunrise… and find your smile.” Kaname put her bowl and fork down. She turned to face Sousuke.
Sousuke looked over at Kaname.
“Hungry, Sousuke?” Kaname’s voice didn’t have its usual friendly lilt, the sparkle that had seemed to be absent since that catastrophic afternoon.
The young soldier considered his possible replies. He wasn’t truly hungry… but, if she intended some kind of peace offering, might it not be wise to accept it?
“A little.” His words became truth, as his stomach rumbled ever so slightly.
“I see….” Kaname returned to eating, not saying another word. She did not look at him while she did so. After sighing, she looked down at the water.
Sousuke considered her actions. Was she teasing him again? That would be a good sign. Instead, if she were tormenting him, that would have less than positive connotations.
He looked away from her. Did it really matter, one way or the other?
Perhaps it was best for her if he never again tried to think of her as anything more than an assignment.
“There’s enough here for two, if you would like some. My appetite is not as large as I had thought. I won’t be able to eat it all.” Kaname still didn’t look at him, but she pushed the bowl as far towards him as she could, and held the Fried Trident up in her hand.
Had she truly bought more than she needed? Or, had she purposely bought enough to share with him?
“I am thankful for your offer. If you wish to leave it there, then leave my presence… I will understand….” Sousuke scowled after he said that. Where was that feeling of sadness and loss coming from. Nothing truly tragic had happened as a result of everything!
Life in the unforgiving bosom of Afghanistan had been far worse than anything he had experienced lately.
“Maybe I should do that, you big idiot.” Kaname stood up and brushed herself off. She threw the food towards Sousuke with a condescending flick of her wrist. “Hmmppff!” The look she turned on Sousuke had the young man wondering just how quickly she could change her moods. Every day, she seemed intent on besting her previous record.
Sousuke was not so clueless that he didn’t see what had Kaname miffed.
“I… if you would consent to remain, I would prefer that….” He nodded his head, then took a bite of the Trident. “This is very good. It was worth living for.” He knew the statement was foolish, but it was the type of thing that people often said to one another to lighten the mood.
Kaname stood silently for a few moments.
“Is my life going to be worth living again, Sousuke?” Kaname sounded very serious. Sousuke’s choice of words had definitely struck some chord.
Sousuke wasn’t exactly certain what she meant. He had a reasonable suspicion, but would try the other interpretation first. “I cannot say, Kaname. You remain Whispered. Who can say whether or not your identity was passed along to others, or sits somewhere, just waiting for discovery.”
Kaname put both of her hands on her hips. “That is NOT what I meant!” She came very close to growling.
“I know.” Sousuke ran his hand through his hair. He glanced down at his feet. “I can make no promises. But, I have been told in no uncertain terms that I have used up my nine lives. If there are any more noteworthy mistakes, I will be removed from the school for good.”
“Oh….” Kaname walked a bit closer to Sousuke. “Isn’t that what you said last time….”
“Affirmative. That word had come from the Finance Department. They are only tangentially involved in decision making. The final edict has come from High Command, with the blessing of Captain Testarossa and Lt. Cmdr. Kalinin.” Sousuke picked up a stone and threw it as far as he could, unable to follow its final path as it faded imperceptibly against the darkening ground.
“I see…” Kaname took few more steps. “Maybe that would be better for you.” There was a strange catch in her voice. Sousuke wasn’t entirely certain which outcome she would prefer. “What do you think?” Those last words had seemed a trifle rushed.
“I would not wish to leave you… uh, leave this mission. It remains unfinished.” Sousuke bowed his head. He felt somewhat apprehensive, but also a slight bit expectant, just as he had when Kaname had coaxed him into saying that she was beautiful. “But, whatever was best for you, would be best for me.”
Kaname stood a moment, the rays of the setting sun making her seem more real than anything else in Sousuke’s surroundings. Tossing her hair, she walked over and sat down next to Sousuke.
“If Mithril can give you one more chance, I suppose that Kaname Chidori can as well.” Kaname tapped Souuske hard on the knee. “My idea of what is a significant disturbance will be a lot less forgiving than your superiors.”
Sousuke picked up another stone, then a second. Throwing the first in the air, he sighted, then tried to change its trajectory with the second stone. He barely missed.
“Understood. Guns and Explosives are acceptable. Bacteriological weapons are not.” Sousuke wanted to see what Kaname’s response would be. She would either sigh and hang her head, or strike him and say something heated.
Kaname sat quietly, her mouth open and one hand clenched. She closed her mouth. “Perhaps I should just shoot myself and get it over with.”
Sousuke procured a pistol seemingly out of nothingness. “Here. It currently carries a lethal load. No rounds are chambered.” He handed it to Kaname.
Kaname grimaced. She knew that Sousuke was not offering her a chance to shoot herself. But, his humor left something to be desired.
Though, any attempt at humor from Sousuke should be duly logged and noted.
Kaname took the pistol, making certain to keep her finger away from the trigger. “Of course, I might save a lot of people some trouble if I shoot you.”
“Affirmative.” Sousuke thought back to a number of books that he had read on the Samurai. “If you believe I have dishonored you, I freely offer you my life.” He unbuttoned a number of buttons on his shirt.
Kaname gave a short little inarticulate squeak. “Don’t be so melodramatic, Sousuke. No one likes a put on. At least I don’t. Hmmppff!” Kaname put the gun down by Sousuke. She stared at his chest for a moment.
“I was being serious, Kaname.” Sousuke put the pistol away. “If I had injured you sufficiently to cause you to take such grievous action, then I would have deserved your sanction. I am glad that you did not find it necessary.”
Kaname shook her head. “You really worry me sometimes, Sousuke!” Kaname couldn’t help but feel a strange warmth inside her. “I guess it’s my mission to look after a nutcase like you. Geez!” Kaname laughed quietly.
Sousuke sat quietly, not knowing what to say. His skills at responding verbally were clearly improving, but he had little experience in leading a social conversation. He took a bite of the Trident, using that as an excuse to mask his uncertainty.
“This is good.” There. He had made a verbal offering. Wisely, he refrained from commenting on the less than healthy nature of the snack item.
“Yes.” That was all that Kaname said. She seemed to be uneasy. Looking at Sousuke, she wrung her hands together on her lap.
“Is there something you wish to ask me or tell me, Kaname?” Sousuke wondered just what was on Kaname’s mind. She retained the capacity of unsettling him and surprising him at any given moment.
“Uh…” Kaname’s hands now grasped her knees.
“Kaname?” Sousuke grew more curious.
“Uh…” Kaname looked away from Sousuke.
“You usually yell at me when I answer in such a fashion, Kaname. Is there a double standard?” Sousuke placed his hand on his chin. He stared intently at Kaname.
“Yes. There is. You should have gotten that message a long time ago. Moron!” Kaname spoke in a rush.
“Do you intend to say ‘Uh’ again? You have my permission to delay without speaking , if you like.” Sousuke figured that would get Kaname to speed things along.
“Oh… and do you think that I need your permission, you misinformed military miscreant?” Kaname grabbed a handful of grass and threw it at Sousuke.
“Negative. I just thought that you might wish to finish before it gets dark.” Sousuke brushed off the grass and dirt that landed on his pants. Some had also gone down his shirt. Standing, he took out his shirt tail, allowing the debris to fall out.
“Hmmmpppfff. I’m in no rush, Sousuke. If you’re so eager to be done with my company, I can do you a favor and leave. Jerk.” Kaname pulled up some more grass. “If I didn’t want to sit in the dark with some clueless trouble-making otaku, I would say so.”
Sousuke sat quietly. He figured that Kaname would finally get around to asking her question now.
“Um… well… what I wanted to ask you was…” She stopped, then pulled at her hair a little. “When we were in the classroom, you told me to come with you to the infirmary. I told you to wait, and you said you couldn’t….”
“I said ‘There’s no time.’ Your interpretation was correct, however.” Sousuke swallowed hard. That last comment had been unnecessary. He needed to keep his commentary to a minimum.
Kaname sighed.
“I apologize. Please continue.” Sousuke didn’t want Kaname to grow too annoyed with him, not if there was something important on her mind.
“You were so eager to get me inside, that you shot off the lock. You then… uh….” Kaname faltered.
“I pulled aside the curtain on an infirmary cot, then ordered you to take off your clothes.” Sousuke began to sweat some. Sitting there next to Kaname… the emergency situation long since over… those words made him feel somewhat anxious.
“Yes… ummm… I was just wondering… I had said….” Kaname was blushing, but there was no way fro Sousuke to see that. Her voice gave him a clue to her emotional state just the same.
“Your words were as follows. ‘What are you saying? Don’t tell me… no way… just because we’re going to die, it’s too sudden.’ After that, you continued by saying ‘I have to prepare myself mentally. Besides, in a place like this….’ Next----” Sousuke was interrupted.
“I KNOW what I said next, Sousuke. I’m not stupid, you know! Sheesh!” Kaname tried to control her breathing. There was no reason for her to get over excited. “You put your hand on… uh… my shoulder… ummm… and told me not to say anything, and to just take off my clothing.”
“Correct.” Sousuke flinched when Kaname umped up against him momentarily.
“W-W-why???” Kaname swallowed har, her eyes zeroed in on Sousuke’s shadow etched face.
“Kaname?” Sousuke was surprised. He would have thought that Kaname would have realize the purpose of his actions.
“Why… why did you want me to… uh…” Kaname clasped her too hands together.
“What was your original conjecture, Kaname?” Sousuke wanted to see if he had been misunderstood. Suddenly, he realized what his action to be construed to mean. His fingers flexed rapidly. He blinked repeatedly. “Uh….”
“I suppose… you could have already known or guessed… ummm… what the bacteria was going to do? You were looking out for me?” Kaname wasn’t certain how she wanted Sousuke to answer. One intention would have been very sweet and considerate. She certainly wouldn’t mind if Sousuke acted that way more often. The other motive would have been somewhat brazen… but…
“That it correct, Kaname. I did not wish for you to be embarrassed when your clothes disintegrated.” Sousuke felt somewhat ambivalent himself. If that is what Kaname had thought, there would be no reason to feel uncomfortable. However…. “That is not what you originally conjectured, was it?” Sousuke began sweating.
Kaname wanted to smack the big lout, saying ‘What kind of thing is that to ask a lady?’ But, she knew that wasn’t fair. She must have been pretty obvious if Sousuke caught on.
“N-No. To be honest… I… thought you might have wanted to… with me… if we were going to both die….” Kaname bit her lip. She had skipped over the embarrassing part.
Great show of courage, girl!
Kaname?” Sousuke felt as if someone had poured a bucket of ice water down his back.
The pressure to finally just put things in the open couldn’t be contained. “Sex, Sousuke! I thought you might want to get me naked… get me in bed… then just get me. Do.......... you.......... get.......... me? Sex.” As soon as her anger at his obtuseness wore off, Kaname felt mortified.
“I… uh… I will accept your word at it.” Sousuke had to admit to himself that he had felt some degree of physical need when he thought of Kaname naked behind the curtain. He hoped she would not ask him that question. There was something he felt compelled to ask, even though he fought not to. “Did you wish to be gotten?”
Kaname sputtered. “S-Sousuke!” She stood up. “What kind of thing is that to ask a lady?”
“I see. You did not. I shall store that away for future record.” Sousuke ran his hand through his hair, struggling with one key point. “But, you did remove all of your clothing. You could not have known about the effects of the bacteria….”
Kaname didn’t say anything. She just stood there as if she had been carved from stone.
Sousuke looked over at her, wondering what she might be thinking. Had he overstepped his bounds? She had instigated this line of discussion after all.
When Kaname spoke, her voice had a strange wistful quality about it.
"I care about you Sousuke. I didn't want to ummmm... you know... at first, even though I thought I was going to die and would never have a chance at such things. But... you were so insistent and I...." Kaname stopped, finding it hard to believe she was discussing this with anybody. But, she felt compelled to be honest now. The two of them needed to know where each other stood in so many ways.
Sousuke thought back over things that he had seen in his career as a soldier... things that had always made him angry for reasons he never understood.
"I understand. You thought that I was intent on forcing you. You gave in. That is reprehensible on my part, even though it was not my intention. To have cause you to feel that way..." Sousuke's voice went bitter, filled with self recrimination. "I am the worst type of man...." He shrugged his shoulders, angry and somewhat confused. "It may be best if I request removal from this mission."
"Sousuke... no!" Kaname bit her lip. She sounded all too eager and frantic there, like some junior high girl. "I mean, you shouldn't think that way about yourself. I know what you had in mind. It was an honest mistake on my part."
"You are kind, Kaname. It is one of your finer characteristics...... when you are not striking me with foreign objects." Sousuke checked his watch, to get an accurate idea of the time. "The fact of the matter is that you had debased yourself, convinced that you would have to do something you did not wish to do. That is a heavy burden for me to bear."
Kaname stood quietly, caught on the horns of a dilemma. If she kept comfortably quiet, Sousuke would beat himself up over something he didn't need to. The thought that he deserved it did not make her feel any better. But, if she were to tell him the deepest truth....
"Sousuke. It... well... it was not something that I didn't want to do." Kaname swallowed hard. It was too late to turn back now. She could retract those words, but Sousuke would know better.
She just had to know Sousuke's motives, hadn't she? Look at the corner she had painted herself into!
Maybe that was her whole idea.
Was that what she secretly wanted? To get the subject out in the open? To use it as a way to ease them into a less intimate but more personal relationship?
Sousuke stood straighter, his eyes immediately seeking out Kaname. "I am confused... first you said that you did not... then you said... uh... ummm...." His throat felt tight for some reason. He felt the need to run and keep running.
But, he also did not wish to leave that place just yet.
Kaname took a deep breath and held it. She squeezed her eyes tight, wishing she could rewind things and do things differently. There was ample opportunity to hem and haw her way through this, driving them both into a state of distraction.
It would be best to put things in simple concrete terms for that otaku.
"We've shared a lot together, Sousuke. I'm interested in you, as girls are interested in boys. Even though you drive me crazy half the time, the other half I feel happy and excited. I've wanted you to pay attention to me in... other ways. But..... you..... are..... so..... different!" Kaname felt the need to hit or kick something. Anything.
"I know that, Kaname. I cannot---"
"Sousuke! This would be a very good time to stand at attention and listen. Saluting is optional!" Kaname's voice was rather stern. Sousuke acted out of instinct, bringing his legs together and putting his arms straight down at his sides. "Honestly! I should probably have my head examined...."
"If that is true, then---" Sousuke never had a chance to frame his thoughts.
"Baka! No speaking in ranks. Is..... that..... understood...." Kaname walked up and stood in front of Sousuke.
"Sir, yes Sir!" Sousuke looked directly ahead of himself, eyes not focusing on the lights going on in the buildings across that city area.
"Ooooooh... I don't know why I bother sometimes. I really don't!" Kaname walked away a bit, then paced for a while. Gratified by Sousuke's silence, she gathered her thoughts together again. She would be damned if she let that big jerk derail her once she made her mind up.
"I know you are a soldier, Sousuke. I know you are assigned to look after me. We both know that you have been acting above and beyond that call of duty." Kaname dared him to say something. He did not. "Once you crossed that line, you got my hopes up, Sousuke. I hoped that you could behave like a normal guy. Talking. Laughing. Invitations to go for walks or to the movies." She paused a moment, sighing. "Dates."
Sousuke's eyes widened. He had seen all that type of behavior amongst his classmates. It had been a curiosity, a learning experience. A way of knowing the terrain he was forced to traverse. At times, he had even felt strange emotional urges within himself.
He had wondered what it would be like to have such a life.
Kaname stood with her back turned to Sousuke. She had said quite a mouthful. All of her frustrations and aggravations spun around her at that moment, making her dizzy and disappointed.
"No sweet words. No attempts at flirting. No letters. No candy or flowers. No hand holding. No chasing." Kaname's voice sounded dejected. "No kisses...."
Sousuke was stunned. Kaname had wanted all of that from him? Why? He was so different than everyone else. What did he know about the way a boy was supposed to act around a girl. No, what did he know about how a boy was supposed to feel about a girl?
In that moment, he felt as if he had somehow failed her. Admitting that, he also wondered if he had somehow failed himself.
But, those things were outside of his mission!!!
Any emotional attachment might reduce his effectiveness. What would the sense be in growing closer to someone he was destined to leave? Why share things with someone, while placing them at greater and greater risk as a result?
Those reasonable questions were roughly shouldered aside by a more urgent one.
If there was no mission, what would he want?
There were indeed feelings inside of him. He just didn't know what they meant, or how he should respond to them.
In some ways, he suddenly felt like he had when he was a child, a gun in his hand for the first time.
Sousuke opted to use a strategy that had served him well in the past, in different matters. He forced himself to picture a world without Kaname. Not some nebulous day a month or two from now. Tomorrow. The next day. A string of successive days.
"I am sorry that I have failed you, Kaname. I would not wish to be parted from you. It is how I feel, though I do not fully understand it." Sousuke kicked at a stone in the soil. "They did not teach me such things in training camp. There was no opportunity to see, do, or teach such matters when I fought as a child."
'In bygone days, commanders were taught that when in doubt, they should march their troops towards the sound of gunfire. I intend to march my troops towards the sound of gunfire.'
Those words had been spoken by Joseph Grimond, Baron of Firth. Sousuke realized that there was no point in retreating now. He needed to head towards the sound of gunfire.
"I wish that it was otherwise." The truth did not truly shock him, but it did leave him feeling very uneasy.
Had he made a mistake?
No. He needed to face the truth. And, he should share his thoughts with Kaname. So that she could make whatever decisions best suited herself.
The words of Yoshida Shoin were also pertinent in there own way:
'If a general and his men fear death and are apprehensive over possible defeat, then they will suffer defeat and death. But if they make up their minds from the general down to the last foot soldier, not to think of living but of standing in one place and facing death together, then though they have no other thought than meeting death, they will instead hold on to life and gain victory.'
Kaname slowly walked over to Sousuke again. "Really? You are not just saying something that you think will make me happy?"
Sousuke opened his mouth to say 'Affimative.' No words came out. That was not doing anyone any good. He remembered a saying that had been written on one Samurai banner:
'Fast as the wind, quiet as a forest, aggressive as fire, and immovable as a mountain.'
He had given himself over to Kaname in service, in a manner of speaking. His honor dictated that he do whatever was necessary to serve her well.
"I would not lie in such matters, Kaname. You have come to mean more to me than any woman ever has." Sousuke looked down at his feet. He was dealing with a difficult dichotomy. It was hard being a Specialist in some things, but a veritable tyro in others.
"Oh...." Kaname sounded surprised. She stepped a little closer to Sousuke. "Was it hard to say that, Sousuke?"
"Y-Yes." He did not elaborate. This was all beyond him. Not surprisingly, a quote from Niccolo Machiavelli came to mind:
'The first way to lose your state is to neglect the art of war; the first way to win a state is to be skilled in the art of war.'
Sousuke had neglected the art of human relations for most of his life.
"Then you were very brave telling me the truth." Kaname's voice was very quiet, but full of life. "Thank you." She pushed a lock of hair out of her face, thinking for a moment. "You don't have to be an expert in everything you do, Sousuke. In some things, I don't want an expert. I would like someone to learn with. If you already knew everything, how could we do that?"
"Uh...." Sousuke was struck hard by those words. He had never looked at things that way before, in any situation. Not only were there things that he did not have to be proficient at, but there were also things that it was best that he did not carry an expert rating.
It felt as if the entire world shook for a moment, realigning itself to that new paradigm.
"That thought implode your little Sousuke brain?" Kaname chuckled. "I don't know what you would do without me, Mister!" She smiled, relieved that she had shed her anger and resentment like an old threadbare coat.
It had hurt, being resentful towards someone whom she had grown so unconsciously dependent on.
"Affirmative. All systems commencing shut down." It was as close as Sousuke would come to telling a joke. His mind really did feel as if it needed to reboot for the new information to take hold.
Feeling flushed with her victory, Kaname decided to take things even further. It may be unrealistic... unadvisable... and uncalled for... but she didn't care. She had not gotten through all of the adversity in her life by standing still and letting things come to her.
"Well, that's not surprising. You're a man after all. Your capacities are greatly limited." She reached over and put her hand on Sousuke's cheek. "But, I won't hold that against you." She bit her lip, but continued just the same. "Unless there are things that you would like me to hold against you."
Kaname realized she was taking a great risk
Flirting might actually shut him down for good, if it didn't send him fleeing into the encroaching darkness.
Sousuke swallowed hard. He felt his heart begin to beat faster and faster. He was definitely out of his element. Julius Caesar had put things plainly enough:
'War gives the right to the conquerors to impose any condition they please upon the vanquished.'
He felt as if he were out of ammunition, surrounded by a very determined foe. That was the entirely wrong attitude. There must be some way to regain at least a modicum of control.
No one had schooled him in the appropriate strategy or tactics. He had never come across a book titled 'The Art of Romance.'
And yet...
There was a book he had read extensively in. He offered a silent apology to Sun Tzu for using his wisdom for his own devices.
'In battle, combat is engaged directly with force, but victory is gained by surprise. Therefore the masters of the unpredictable are infinitely powerful, like heaven and earth, and inexhaustible as rivers. When they come to an end, they start again, like the cycle of days and months. When they die, they are reborn like the seasons.'
"There are. But I am not certain that we have reached that level of closeness." Sousuke began sweating. Certain feelings were calling out for his attention, but they were ones he traditionally suppressed, the moment he took even slightest notice of them.
Kaname's hand twitched before it fell away. Sousuke could hear her quick inrush of breath. It appeared that she was not expecting that response.
"Sousuke?" Kaname's voice was soft, almost timid. "What are you saying?"
Sousuke took note of her change in attitude. Suddenly, she seemed shy and uncertain. How could she have changed so dramatically in such a short period of time? There was no relative comparison he could take from the battlefield. Unless she had been bluffing.
Perhaps he should probe in that direction. It would be highly informative.
He would stick with surprise. The problem was, the response that came to mind surprised even himself. It took great bravado to voice his thought.
"I give you permission to hold anything against me that you wish. It is true that I need to learn things. I would not wish to discover them with anyone other than yourself." The words had Sousuke feeling somewhat tense, because he realized they were true.
He also began to get an idea of just what that admission meant.
Had he just said those things?
Was the time spent around Kurz Weber having a deleterious effect on him?
Kaname sighed. Sousuke didn't know if that was a sigh of contentment or an expression of disappointment. Had he decided incorrectly? It wouldn't be the first time....
"I think I will start by holding you to those words, Sousuke. There's no need to rush and get ahead of ourselves, is there?" Kaname took hold of Sousuke's hand. She was still trying to puzzle her way through his sudden change in approach.
Did it make any sense to get her hopes up, knowing what she did of Sousuke? Every time she had thought that he was coming around, he had done or said something that showed her how wrong she had been.
"No sense in stumbling and making mistakes we don't need to. There will be plenty of opportunity for that as it is, I would wager." Kaname began swinging Sousuke's arm this way and that.
"I concur. However, mistakes are not a problem. Georges Clemenceau said that 'war is a series of catastrophes that results in a victory.' Those are pertinent words." Sousuke felt confident with that pronouncement. He still had a lot to learn.
"Wrong!" Kaname jerked Sousuke's arm, almost causing him to stumble. "Otaku words are always a mistake, and always a problem." She dug her fingernails into his hand ever so slightly. "And... they... are... never... pertinent...."
"How can that be so? A great Greek general and historian once said that the nation that makes a great distinction between its scholars and its warriors will have its thinking done by cowards and its fighting done by fools. He also said that men naturally despise those who court them, but respect those who do not give way to them." Sousuke stood firm, not intending to be pulled around any more.
"Ooooh...." Kaname kicked Souuske hard in the shin. When he instinctively lifted his leg, Kaname tugged again, harder than she had intended. Sousuke ended up grabbing on to her to keep from knocking her to the ground. "This affectionate ploy will NOT save you, Mister!" Kaname stomped on his foot. "That Greek guy is dead. Your fate is still open for debate." She stomped again. "Women want to be courted. And you better learn to give way to me... sometimes...."
Sousuke disentangled his arms from Kaname and took a few steps back towards relative safety.
"I think it is time to head home, Kaname." Sousuke felt somewhat cowardly. He wasn't really making a retreat, though.
"Yes, I suppose it is." She smiled wickedly, wanting to find another way to put Sousuke on edge. "Your home or mine?" He would pay for using military quotes at a time like this.
"Uh...." Sousuke froze. Was she joking? Could she be intending to....
"Our first lesson for the night will be this." Kaname took hold of his hand again. "We will walk holding hands. It is a pleasant and tame way to touch a person you are fond of." She smiled again. "Get used to it!"
"Uh... affirmative... tame... touching." Sousuke tried to take down notes in mental shorthand.
Kaname was gratified by Sousuke's tone of voice. He was clearly off balance. Why not strike again, while his defenses were down?
Damn.
Now she was thinking in military terms.
Big idiot!
"Hmmmmm....." She sounded close to purring. "Before we practice that for a while, there is something a little less tame we should try out. Purely for educational purposes, you understand." She put Sousuke's captive arm around her and stepped up against him. "I need to see just what you need tutoring with. Just like with our schoolwork."
"Ummm....Kaname...." Souske began to sweat again. His breathing was speeding up, with his breaths becoming somewhat shallow.
"I think it is about time you kiss me, Sousuke." Kaname didn't feel the least bit disappointed at having to beg for a kiss. Sometimes a person just has to reach out and grab the brass ring.
"Uh.... kiss...." Sousuke sounded like he was about to collapse or something.
"Kiss, Sousuke. K..... i..... s..... s....." Kaname pressed up against Sousuke. "Unless you want to jump ahead to a later lesson. " That ought to do it.
"Kissing will suffice, Kaname. Pressing our lips together. Just as I had done with Misuki." Sousuke had managed to pull that off well enough, even though he ended up suffering as a result of his miscalculation.
"NO!" Kaname was not joking. "Not Mizuki. Me. For pleasure, not as part of some stupid charade." Kaname looked up at Sousuke. "You better not pretend anything with me, do...... you...... hear...... me?" She blushed, realizing how demanding she had sounded.
"Uh... understood. Ummm... should I kiss you now...." Sousuke felt as if he were dreaming. Not that long ago, he had been sitting alone pondering whether or not he had any reason to be here any more. Now, he was about to do something that was not as simple as he might try and convince himself.
Kissing for real carried some degree of significance.
Once he crossed into that territory, could he safely cross back?
Would he want to?
"Yes. If you know what's good for you." That had come across brusque. "And, if you truly want what's best for me...." That had come across tenderly, with no hint of coquetry.
Hesitating a moment, Sousuke leaned over to kiss Kaname. He had intended a brief and cursory contact. That option disappeared when Kaname wrapped her arms around his neck with no intention of letting go any time soon.
At first startled... then confused by the play of emotions he was confronted with... Sousuke gradually followed Kaname's lead.
"Well, we were a bit rushed. But, that will do...... for now." Kaname sounded very happy.
Sousuke felt somewhat disoriented. The experience had been very pleasant, and had him looking forward to additional lessons. Part of him, however, reacted a touch less happily. It would do?
Was that any way to show a Specialist respect?
His response surprised him. Kaname's mischievous behavior must be rubbing off on him. He was not certain if that was a good thing; but, he could examine that later.
"I see. I take it then we should proceed to the point where you disrobe again. You never did finish telling me what you had wanted to do that day. If---" There was no excuse for his lapse in security. He should have predicted that Kaname would respond physically, joke or no joke.
"What? Jerk!" Kaname pushed with all of her might against Sousuke. Losing his balance, he slid along a dry area of grass. Before he knew it, he was tumbling down the embankment, a loud and resounding 'Hmmppff' echoing in his ears.
When he finally made his way back to the top, Sousuke found Kaname there waiting for him. She was not apologetic, but he hadn't expected her to be. It would be out of character for her...... at least until she made some demonstrative statement, or somehow justified her actions.
"Sousuke...." She sounded happy, not angry. "What am I going to do with you?" She let out a long breath.
"If tonight is any indication... anything you want...." Sousuke shook his head. He was only partly making light of the situation.
That had hurt!
And, he somehow felt that he had gone from being in control of the situation to being left with no recourse whatsoever.
Women! They are deceptively dangerous....
"Good answer!" Kaname gave him another kiss, then grabbed his hand and pulled him on his way.
