FullMetal*Panic!

“I trust this will be an attentive group, today.”

The teacher stood near the front of the class. He looked around the room, gratified to see everyone looking at him. At the suggestion of the Chemistry teacher, Mr. Kano, he had placed Mr. Sagara in a far corner. He had also placed Miss Chidori in the other rear corner.

“Today I will lecture on naming and classification.”

Kaname sat at her desk fuming. She had thought of plenty of names for Sousuke. The big jerk had gotten her into trouble in Chemistry. The teacher had given her an extra forty minutes of reading to do. A number of her fellow students had made jokes about her after class.

She could deal with that kind of thing easily enough. But, hen she approached Sousuke to give him a chance to apologize, he mixed things up saying ’There is no need for you to be sorry. We all make mistakes’. Oooooh, if the teacher hadn’t been watching, she would have clobbered him. She hadn’t felt this way since they had started dating. Had she made a mistake, doing that? If she had, at least they had managed to keep things secret so far.

“Moron,” She said under her breath. When she had cooled down some, she asked if he wanted to walk to class with her. He had agreed. But, when she had asked him about his unusual behavior, and asked about the book, he had mentioned the Boy’s Room and disappeared quickly into the sea of students.

That book. She was determined to find out what it was. Could he be embarrassed over something? Had one of the teachers given him a remedial reader of some sorts? A book from a younger class year? She wouldn’t tease him too much if that were the case. She might even be able to help him. If she ever chose to, that is!

“Names can be thought of as ‘handles’ our minds can use to get a grasp on nature's mind boggling diversity, and classification enables us to see for ourselves the general course that evolution takes in nature.” The teacher lapsed into his lecture voice. “If you’ve done your reading, you know that there are five kingdoms. Monera. Protista. Fungi. Plantae. Animalia. Some add a sixth, splitting Monera into Archaea and Bacteria. You should also know that animals in the same kingdom can be very different from one another.”

“Tell me about it!” Kaname had spoken loudly that time without thinking. Everyone looked at her. Some made snide remarks while others whispered and giggled.

“Would you like to teach class, Miss Chidori?” The teacher asked. “I hear from Mr. Kano that you show some facility at that task. Who needs a teacher, right?” That last part was said in a chilly voice.

“I apologize!” Kaname bowed, swallowing hard. Damn that Sousuke.

Sousuke was busy with another chapter. ‘PARTNERS’. If he could read Kaname’s mind at that very moment, he would close up the book. There might be a chance that she would never want to be his partner, in any sense of the word. His ready may well be for nothing.

Man is divided into three classes, the hare man, the bull man, and the horse man, according to the size of his lingam.

Uhhh. It appears that his earlier thoughts might have had some merit after all. Whatever the label he must assume, he would not let his pride get in the way.

Woman also, according to the depth of her yoni, is either a female deer, a mare, or a female elephant.

“Ummm… errr…“ Sousuke blinked rapidly. This was more problematic. Some things must be kept to himself by necessity. He could picture what might happen if he ever called Kaname an elephant woman. He wondered if the word ‘Dear’ was derived from ‘deer’. Probably not. His mind was wandering. Perhaps that was because the only edition he had been able to find was the English language one.

There are thus three equal unions between persons of corresponding dimensions, and there are six unequal unions, when the dimensions do not correspond, or nine in all.

EQUAL

Hare Deer. Bull Mare. Horse Elephant.

UNEQUAL

Hare Mare. Hare Elephant. Bull Deer. Bull Elephant. Horse Deer. Horse Mare

Sousuke was not an expert in sexual relations by any means of the imagination. He knew that. Just placing the word ‘sexual’ next to ‘relations’ could cause him to sweat. He was also not an expert when it came to Biology and animal behavior. But, the concept of pairing different animal names had him uneasy. It seemed wrong, He had to shake pictures of bizarre animal congress from his head. Besides, how could ‘Horse’ and ‘Mare’ possibly be a mismatch? The classification scheme seemed haywire. No, he needed to give things a chance. He should not get hung up on small possibly unimportant details.

“As I was saying, animals in the same kingdom can be very different from one another.” The teacher cleared his throat before continuing. “So we take the wide variety of organisms in a kingdom and subdivide them into other groups. The subgroups include which, Miss Chidori?”

“Phylum… Class… Order… Family… Genus… Species.” Kaname answered automatically, having studied hard the night before.

“Very good,” the teacher said.

“I wonder what species Chidori is,” one anonymous voice whispered too loudly.

“Probably the same as Sousuke,” Ryo said, knowing that would set Kaname on edge. “Right, Sousuke?”

“Huh?” Sousuke looked up from his book.

“Are you and Kaname the same species?” Maya asked, grinning when she saw Kaname’s face.

“I am not certain of her classification. It would by necessity be Deer, Mare, or Elephant.” Uh oh! That was bad. He had been caught up in the chapter terminology. No, relax. No one knows what you are reading. Wait. Do not relax. Kaname is standing.

The whole class was talking or laughing. The teacher looked rather unhappy. “Miss Chidori, return to your seat. Mr. Sagara, your attempt at humor was sophomoric at best. Miss Mukai and Miss Kojima, do you wish to teach this class?”

“No Sir!” Maya answered.

“I apologize,” Ryo said.

Kaname mumbled under her voice. Hand inside her desk, she grasped the first thing she came a cross. A pencil. It snapped. “It doesn’t matter what species Sousuke is. It’s about to go extinct.”

“Let’s make not make this lecture too dry,“ the teacher said. “It helps when one adds real life examples. The other day a friend brought me the curious-looking critter shown at the left.” He brought up an image on one of two pull down screens. “She had found it crossing the sidewalk next to her house in Ojiya, Nîgata Prefecture, Honshû. ‘What is it?’ she asked. You can see that the creature bears no legs, so it not an arthropod such as a centipede or millipede, and it is not segmented, so it is not an annelid like an earthworm. Its brownish flesh looks soft and rubbery like that of a mollusk such as a snail, but it is flattish and does not have antennae. A rather strange looking creature.”

Kaname glared back at Sousuke. ‘Strange’ didn’t cover half of it!

“During my thinking process, the worm-like creature raised its head and spread it like a little cobra, the way you see at the right.” he brought up another picture. “At that point, I knew what it was. It was a planarian. I later classified it as Bipalium nobile, a giant land species. The important thing here is that even before it had revealed its identity, I had analytically narrowed down what the creature could be just by knowing how the animal world is divided into major "phyla" such as the arthropods, the annelids, and the mollusks. It had no legs, so it was not an arthropod. It was not segmented, so it was not an annelid. By the way, Planarians belong to the Flatworm Phylum. As an aside, they are fascinating creatures. The single passageway through its body is used as both a mouth and an anus.”

“Sounds like a certain person I know,” Kaname said, too loudly again.

This time, the teacher ignored Kaname’s comment. When the flatworm gets long enough, its rear end holds onto the ground, a narrowing appears somewhere in its lower half, and the front end simply pulls away from the back, leaving the back part parked. Then the back part grows a new head and you have a new organism! Amazing.”

“That’s a disgusting thought.” Kaname said quietly to Kyouko. She looked over at Sousuke, who had a book open again. She pictured his head flying away, courtesy of an overly strong swing of the halisen. Before she knew it, there were two Sousukes. Heaven forbid.

Sousuke, meanwhile, was dealing with his own discomfort. Hands somewhat moist, he wiped them off on his trousers. Every time he caught a glimpse of Kaname looking his way out of the corner of his eye, he imagined that she could somehow read his mind. That wasn’t possible, was it? He knew that two Whispered could communicate, as she and Tessa had on occasion. But, he wasn’t Whispered. There should be no way for her to override his biological security system, right?

A man is called a man of small passion whose desire at the time of sexual union is not great, whose semen is scanty, and who cannot bear the warm embraces of the female. Those who differ from this temperament are called men of middling passion, while those of intense passion are full of desire. In the same way, women are supposed to have the three degrees of feeling, using the same names. Lastly, according to time, there are three kinds of men and women, the short-timed, the moderate-timed, and the long-timed; and of these all, there are nine kinds of union. But on this last head there is a difference of opinion about the female, which should be stated.

He had no experience with passion. Whatever feelings and urges he had felt in the past, he ignored, or more frequently, repressed. If passion was an important part of… uhhh… the process, was it something inborn? Could it be learned? Were there on-line tutorials? This was all growing more complex by the moment. Should he continue reading? Yes. He was of the mind that knowledge never hurt anyone. It could be used or ignored as one chose.

Auddalika says, 'Females do not emit as males do. The males simply remove their desire, while the females, from their consciousness of desire, feel a certain kind of pleasure, which gives them satisfaction, but it is impossible for them to tell you what kind of pleasure they feel. The fact from which this becomes evident is, that males, when engaged in coition, cease of themselves after emission, and are satisfied, but it is not so with females.' This opinion is however objected to on the grounds that, if a male be a long-timed, the female loves him the more, but if he be short-timed, she is dissatisfied with him. And this circumstance, some say, would prove that the female emits also. But this opinion does not hold good, for if it takes a long time to allay a woman's desire, and during this time she is enjoying great pleasure, it is quite natural then that she should wish for its continuation. And on this subject there is a verse as follows: 'By union with men the lust, desire, or passion of women is satisfied, and the pleasure derived from the consciousness of it is called their satisfaction.'

“Uhhh…” Sousuke looked up sharply. Good, the teacher didn’t seem to hear him. Oh. Kaname did. She dropped her eraser. Bending over to pick it up, she kicked it over to his desk. Wait. It is not right to look at her in that fashion. Bent over like that. What am I doing? I should not be lost in thought!

Kaname walked over to pick up her eraser. How could the teacher fault her for that. She would get to the bottom of Sousuke’s behavior once and for all.

Sousuke closed his book. He placed it in his desk. Hands over his reactive portion of anatomy, he stared forward, almost unable to breathe. No matter what happened, he couldn’t say anything, or let Kaname get her hands on the book. Even more important perhaps, he did not want to stand up at that awkward moment.

“Psssst. Sousuke! What are you hiding?” Kaname bent over to grab her eraser. She brushed against Sousuke’s leg accidentally.

“NOTHING!” Sousuke closed his eyes. He had shouted. This was ridiculous. He never shouted. That was Kaname’s modus operandi. “I am covering nothing. That is to say, I have nothing that I am concealing.” He swallowed hard. Suddenly he was faced with an unenviable choice. Kaname was reaching into his desk. Should he cover his shame, or protect the book? He was saved by the bell, literally.

“Miss Chidori!” The teacher exclaimed, after ringing a small bell that he kept on the corner of his desk. “Just what do you think you are doing?”

“My eraser… I dropped it… I was only…” Kaname stood straight up, not noticing the look of relief on Sousuke’s face.

“There will be none of that in my classroom. If you wish to flirt with Mr. Sagara, or pass along some silly kind of note, please do it after class!” The teacher’s comment had everyone abuzz again, until he rang the bell twice more. “I will not condone any more interruptions. Do I make my self clear.”

“Yes, Sir. I’m sorry, Sir.” Kaname returned to her desk. Her embarrassment was the only thing keeping her anger in check.

“I certainly hope so. For your sake.“ The instructor swung his arms around, encompassing the entire classroom. “For all our sakes.“ He returned to his lecture. “The original purpose of biological classification, or systematics, was to organize the vast number of known plants and animals into categories that could be named, remembered, and discussed. Modern classification also attempts to show the evolutionary relationships among organisms. A system based on categories that show such relationships is called a natural system of classification; one based on categories assigned only for convenience is an artificial system. Modern classification is part of the broader science of taxonomy, the study of the relationships of organisms, which includes collection, preservation, and study of specimens, and analysis of data provided by various areas of biological research. Nomenclature is the assigning of names to organisms and to the categories in which they are classified.

“Jerk!” That quiet utterance was directed to the teacher. Why wasn’t he picking on Sousuke like he should? “Imbecile.” That was for said soldier. Kaname was working up her own classification system in her head. It was a classification system that dealt with relationships, alright. Yes, the simplest level was ‘No kisses,’ allowing for any time period she chose. The next was ‘No hand holding,’ anywhere from one minute up to indefinitely. After that, there was ‘Don’t even think about talking to me’ and ‘You better not even look at me.’ And so forth and so on.

Sousuke wasn’t paying attention to the teacher. He had finished one chapter, but moved on to the next after seeing the look that Kaname gave him. She had made a fist and shook it in his direction. He moved onto the section on Foreplay, as it’s title was listed as ‘ON FOREPLAY, POST COITION, & LOVERS QUARRELS.’ The term ‘lovers’ definitely did not apply. ‘Quarrels’ did, however.

Kaname began to felt a sense of calm now, the calm following the storm. Her rage had crested, and she was able to bring herself under control. She would find out what this was all about. She would make her displeasure known. Somehow or another, Sousuke would pay.

The teacher rambled on. “The earliest known system of classification is that of Aristotle, who attempted in the 4th century B.C. to group animals according to such criteria as mode of reproduction and possession or lack of red blood. Aristotle's pupil Theophrastus classified plants according to their uses and methods of cultivation. Little interest was shown in classification until the 17th and 18th centuries, when botanists and zoologists began to devise the modern scheme of categories. The designation of groups was based almost entirely on superficial anatomical resemblances.”

Sousuke skimmed the given chapter. He was torn. He loved history. Not simply military history, but history of all sorts, history of science included. No. That could wait. His reding still took precedence.

In the pleasure room, decorated with flowers, and fragrant with perfumes, attended by his friends and servants, the citizen should receive the woman, who will come bathed and dressed, and will invite her to take refreshment and to drink freely. He should then seat her on his left side, and holding her hair, and touching also the end and knot of her garment, he should gently embrace her with his right arm. They should then carry on an amusing conversation on various subjects, and may also talk suggestively of things which would be considered as coarse, or not to be mentioned generally in society. They may then sing, either with or without gesticulations, and play on musical instruments, talk about the arts, and persuade each other to drink. At last when the woman is overcome with love and desire, the citizen should dismiss the people that may be with him, giving them flowers, ointments, and betel leaves, and then when the two are left alone, they should proceed as has been already described in the previous chapters.

Well. He had not gotten far into the chapters on… uh… more specific body geometry.

Such is the beginning of sexual union. At the end of the congress, the lovers with modesty, and not looking at each other, should go separately to the washing-room. After this, sitting in their own places, they should eat some betel leaves, and the citizen should apply with his own hand to the body of the woman some pure sandal wood ointment, or ointment of some other kind. He should then embrace her with his left arm, and with agreeable words should cause her to drink from a cup held in his own hand, or he may give her water to drink. They can then eat sweetmeats, or anything else, according to their likings and may drink fresh juice, soup, gruel, extracts of meat, sherbet, the juice of mango fruits, the extract of the juice of the citron tree mixed with sugar, or anything that may be liked in different countries, and known to be sweet, soft, and pure. The lovers may also sit on the terrace of the palace or house, and enjoy the moonlight, and carry on an agreeable conversation. At this time, too, while the woman lies in his lap, with her face towards the moon, the citizen should show her the different planets, the morning star, the polar star, and the seven Rishis, or Great Bear. This is the end of sexual union.

He could re-read that later. It was not his practical concern. He was still looking for data on quarrels. If he did not find any, he might be forced to visit the school nurse if Kaname’s earlier angry posture had been any indication.

We shall now speak of love quarrels. A woman who is very much in love with a man cannot bear to hear the name of her rival mentioned, or to have any conversation regarding her, or to be addressed by her name through mistake. If such takes place, a great quarrel arises, and the woman cries, becomes angry, tosses her hair about, strikes her lover, falls from her bed or seat, and, casting aside her garlands and ornaments, throws herself down on the ground.

Perhaps the author was wise after all. While Sousuke did not consider Tessa to be a rival for his affections, Kaname did from time to time. There had been crying, anger, striking, throwing of things, and other demonstrations, on more than one occasion.

At this time, the lover should attempt to reconcile her with conciliatory words, and should take her up carefully and place her on her bed.

“Uhhh…“ This should be considered an advanced training lesson. If he had picked her up during their last argument, or had carried her merely in the direction of her bedroom, Mithril would have been left without a pilot for its most crucial Arm Slave.

But she, not replying to his questions, and with increased anger, should bend down his head by pulling his hair, and having kicked him once, twice, or thrice on his arms, head, bosom or back, should then proceed to the door of the room. Dattaka says that she should then sit angrily near the door and shed tears, but should not go out, because she would be found fault with for going away. After a time, when she thinks that the conciliatory words and actions of her lover have reached their utmost, she should then embrace him, talking to him with harsh and reproachful words, but at the same time showing a loving desire for congress.

Kaname needed advanced training as well, or so it seemed. She hadn’t gotten beyond the pulling of hair, or the kicking one, twice, and thrice part. He had never thought to criticize or instruct her otherwise. It was probably just as well.

When the woman is in her own house, and has quarrelled with her lover, she should go to him and show how angry she is, and leave him. Afterwards the citizen having sent the Vita, the Vidushaka or the Pithamarda to pacify her, she should accompany them back to the house, and spend the night with her lover. Thus end the love quarrels.

“Ummm… that is…” The spending the night part was more difficult to consider than the various positions he had begun reading about. The latter were data. The former would be a reality requiring just that kind of information. Sweat droplets began dropping down onto the book, causing some of the pages to stick together.

Kaname looked over at Sousuke again, confident in her newly won serenity. She was bigger than that moron. Why should she let him discomfort her in any way? She was Kaname Chidori. There was no way any boy should be able to influence the way that she behaved, unless she wanted to act that way. She was not stuck with Sousuke, right? He was the lucky one, not her!

“Geeez!” She saw could see how heavily he was sweating from all the way across the room. For the umpteenth time, she wondered what he was reading. Whatever it took to grab that book away from him, secret it out from under his nose, or just take a peak, she would do it. She promised.

“Recently there has been much emphasis on the use of molecular genetics in taxonomy, as in the comparison of nucleic acid sequences in the genetic makeup of organisms. Computers are increasingly used to analyze data relevant to taxonomy.” The teacher looked at the back of the room. It was a miracle. Sousuke Sagara was reading along with him in the text. Perhaps he should find out what brought about the change, bottle it, and pass it out to the rest of the class. “Today, with the time we have left, I will start on Kingdom Monera. Monerans are prokaryotic, in that they they are single-celled organisms that lack a nucleus and membrane-bound organelles. Of the four kingdoms, monerans are the simplest, and they generally evolved the earliest.”

“No. Sousuke would be the simplest. Jerk!” Kaname turned pale. It was bad enough to speak up again. But, the teacher was sure to take that ’jerk’ for himself! “I didn’t mean you.” Not this time. “I meant…”

“It doesn’t matter what you meant, Miss Chidori. I fail to see why someone with you… previous… reputation cannot behave more like Mister Sagara, whose transformation should serve as a shining example to his peers.” The teacher began filling out a pre-printed slip of paper that he found in his top desk drawer.

“But I… he‘s… it‘s…” Kaname’s mouth fell open. She couldn’t continue.

“You can discuss whatever it is that you want during detention, Miss Chidori…”