FullMetal*Panic!

Dazed and Confused – Chapter 6
The sun was setting, but it was still much too hot for my liking. I sighed, reached up to wipe the sweat from my forehead, and surveyed my handiwork. I was almost finished repairing Kaname's balcony, but it had taken all Saturday afternoon. I was determined to complete it today, so with another sigh I picked up my hammer again and continued pounding away at the loose nails.

I wish I wore sun screen. I had decided early on to discard my shirt, but I was beginning to regret that as I imagined the burns that I would likely wake up with the following day. Whatever, it was way too hot to put it back on.

I heard the sliding door behind me and turned in my crouch to give Kaname a smile. She had just emerged with a pitcher of lemonade and two glasses in hand, padding over in her flip-flops and sitting down next to me.

"How's it going?" she asked, pouring me a glass.

I gave my thanks and took a few long gulps, soothed by the cold liquid running down my throat. Things between us had been... different since that day in philosophy class. She hadn't said anything to me about it, and I really had no idea how to raise the topic, so it was almost as if nothing ever happened. Except, that is, that something definitely did happen. I could see it in her eyes and her smile, and there was something in her voice like a secret… a spark. It was as if we both knew the other was hiding something, and we knew exactly what they were hiding, but something held us back from bringing it out in the open. It was intense... it was... it was electric. I liked it.

"I'm just about done putting the railing back up," I said, placing my empty glass down beside me. "Then, I just need to paint it to match the rest."

She nodded, reaching back to pull her hair up into a high ponytail. I studied her profile against the fading orange sky, the gentle slope of her nose and the fringe of her lashes. It really was lucky that I was assigned such a beautiful girl to protect; Kurz was right. I wondered briefly how different my life would be if someone else were whispered, if my mission were in another town with another girl, but I shook those thoughts quickly from my head. However many awkward, embarrassing, life-threatening moments I had to endure because of Kaname, I wouldn’t ever ask for her not to be in my life. There were times when I wondered if someone else would do a better job protecting her, if maybe my feelings were putting her at risk, but I wouldn’t trade the time I spent with her for anything.

“You can stay inside where it’s cooler,” I offered when she didn’t seem to be getting up to leave anytime soon.

“Nah, I like it out here. I’m enjoying the view.”

I looked around at the pretty average sights around her building… more buildings and some smog. I made a face, watching as she picked up my discarded shirt and folded it neatly to keep it from wrinkling. What view was she referring to? Maybe the heat was getting to her.

I shrugged, turning back to the nail I was plugging away at when she called my attention back to her.

“What happened there?” she asked. It took me a moment to realize what she was talking about before I noticed she was indicating a long, pink scar across one of my biceps.

“Oh… battle scars.” I forced a laugh. “They all sort of blend together. I can never tell their origins apart.” That wasn’t true at all; I remembered where all of my scars came from, much too clearly for my taste. She frowned, and I could tell she knew I was lying, but I wasn’t really fazed. It never felt right to me, discussing the grittier aspects of my life with Kaname. Our worlds were so separate, and I liked it that way; it made me feel sick to think about her mixed up in military affairs. Maybe that was childish, and maybe I should get used to it. Various malicious secret agencies were always trying to capture her, and she had already been frequently exposed to Mithril operations… but I still wanted to shield her from that. Protecting her was more than just making sure no one knifed her in her sleep. At least, to me it was. Kaname didn’t ask to be drawn into all of this; I wanted to preserve her way of life.

I raised an eyebrow curiously when I noticed her rummaging through my box of supplies to procure an extra paint brush. She then pried open the can if white paint I’d brought along and dipped the brush in leisurely.

“What are you doing?” I asked, confused.

“You’re going too slowly.” She rolled her eyes, wiping the excess paint from her brush on the rim of the can before running it down one of the new bars in the railing. “So, I’m going to help.”

“Miss Chido-“

She cut me off with a warning glare and a quick clearing of her throat.

“Kaname,” I corrected myself. It was getting a little easier to call her by her first name, thought I still felt she should be addressed more respectfully. “I was the one who destroyed your balcony; there is no need for you to contribute to the repairs.”


“Maybe,” she said with a shrug, continuing her work at a steady pace. “But it will go faster if I help. Then maybe we can do something together tonight.”

I just nodded, speechless. I knew my reaction was ridiculous. We do stuff together all the time… trips to the arcade, food consumption, walks around the park or in the city, movies… but ever since I’d first looked love up in the dictionary and even more since our paper airplane exchange, time spent with her seemed more significant. What was a date? What wasn’t a date? Was it only a date if I paid for it or if some physical contact occurred? What did she think? Were we going on dates all along and I just didn’t know it? Or, were we really just friends and I was completely misreading when she looked at me in a certain way, when our hands brushed together, or when she forgave me for something stupid I had done when normally I would receive a few quick whacks from her fan?

What really frustrated me most was that all of the skills and expertise I had acquired from years of training and battle experience were rendered useless in this environment.

I knew how to speak in military code, I knew how to use complex communication devices, I even knew smoke signals, but I just couldn’t talk to this girl. I just felt so helpless, knowing exactly what I wanted to say to her and knowing somehow that she wanted me to say it, and yet… Suddenly, the life I’d been leading felt so small… as strange as that sounds. I’d been all around the world, but it seemed I had barely scratched the surface when it comes to the expected course of a man’s life. School, teenage politics, home economics, girls… it’s a jungle in here! So often in the military I thought of civilians almost as another race, and it was my job to protect their strange little ant farm so they could keep scurrying about their business. Yet, even without arm slaves, battle tactics, and hostage situations, these people faced challenges and difficulties every day of their own kind. After all, I could honestly say that telling Kaname how I felt about her was more difficult for me than facing down Gauron had been. It was a truly perplexing predicament.

“Hey, I didn’t say I’d do the whole thing for you!” Kaname snapped, irritated. I realized that I had stopped working and had become completely caught up in my thoughts.

I quickly muttered an apology and picked up my own paintbrush, joining in the final step of the reparations. About a half hour later we sat back on our heels, admiring our work.

Kaname gave me a satisfied smile, dropping her paint brush in the water bucket and getting to her feet. “I think it looks better than it did before you blew it up!” she said, brushing her hands together.

I nodded, gathering up the materials and sorting out the brushes that needed to be cleaned. “I added in a few extra features for safety, such as reinforced iron tubing inside the wood and braces along the railing. It should not fall apart so easily, next time.”

“Easily?” Kaname rolled her eyes, shaking her head at me. “Sousuke, you blew it up.”

“I’m glad you see it my way,” I said, hesitating for a moment as she took her hair down. I always found it difficult to speak when she did that, paralyzed for the few seconds when her hair bounced around her shoulders before settling in a frame around her face. “Ah… Miss Chi… Kaname,” I said finally, closing the lid on my tool box. “Perhaps,” don’t hesitate, don’t make it a bigger deal than it is, don’t stop, say something! “I could take you…” to the dance to the dance to the dance! “…out for ice cream,” I finished lamely, repressing a self-reproachful groan.

Kaname didn’t seem disappointed though. In fact, her smile only grew when I met her gaze. “Yeah, I’d li-“ she suddenly checked herself with a cough. “Okay, sure…if you promise not to blow anything else up along the way.”

“I cannot make such a guarantee,” I said solemnly. “However, I will make a sincere effort to only make use of explosives when absolutely necessary.”

She seemed satisfied by that, and soon enough the supplies were put away, I was once again fully clothed, and we were walking leisurely down the street towards the ice cream shop. It really was incredibly hot. I could see the heat shimmering over the asphalt until the sun went down, leaving the sky a dark, streaked purple. Unfortunately, the night brought no relief; the air was just as hot and humid as ever.

I heard Kaname sigh gladly when the ice cream shop came into view. She even took up my hand and tugged at it to make me walk faster, humming under her breath.

"I'm going to get four scoops of strawberry. No, two strawberry and two chocolate. Or maybe two strawberry, one chocolate, and one mint chocolate chip. Or maybe..."

I just smiled gently, hoping my hand wasn’t too sweaty, and watched her animated face as she listed the various possibilities.

Kaname stopped short and dropped my hand, letting out a tragic moan and leaning her forehead against the glass door of the store. "Closed!" she whined. "In this heat? What are they thinking?"

I glanced at the sign on the door to see that the owners were on vacation and wouldn't be back until the following week.

Kaname looked utterly crestfallen, turning to lean her back against the door and fanning herself desperately with her hand. "It's so hot," she groaned.

I thought for a moment, not wanting to let her down. "I think there's another ice cream shop nearby."

"Really?" She said, her face lighting up. "A new one opened?"

"No, it's been there for some time," I said proudly, surprised that I knew something about the city that Kaname didn't. "Follow me, it's just 18 blocks this way."

"18 blocks!" Kaname growled, smacking my arm lightly. "That might be 'nearby' to you, G.I. Sou, but I don't think I can move from this spot. It's way too hot. I think I'll just sit down right here and wait until winter."

Hm, I had forgotten that Kaname was not accustomed to long distance marches like I was. 18 blocks was really not far at all in my mind, but I guess distance is always relative. "Might I suggest not sitting in that spot, there appears to be several cigarette butts on that particular patch of pavement."

She grumbled, glaring at me, and sat down on a nearby bench with a huff. I shrugged, taking a seat next to her.

"I wish I lived in one of those fancy condominium complexes with a pool," she lamented, brushing some sweat-dampened bangs from her forehead. We sat in thoughtful silence for a few moments before she sat up straight and turned to me with a grin. "Hey, I have an idea!" She stood up, grabbing my arm and tugging me to my feet.

"What is your idea?" I asked, carefully pulling her aside when, in her excitement, she wandered into the path of a bicyclist.

"Just come with me," she said, ignoring her near brush with injury. She started at a quick pace down the block, waving for me to follow her. I did so, of course, and in a few minutes she stopped in front of a tall, chain-link fence.

I glanced around. There didn't seem to be anyone else on the streets, which was very odd, and there were only a few streetlights. I squinted as Kaname took one look at the locked gate and started to scale the barrier.

"Miss Chidori, what is this?" I asked, apprehensive to say the least.

"Never mind, just help me up," she said, her progress slow and difficult.

I shook my head, taking her by the waste and bringing her back down to the ground easily. "Trespassing is probably not the safest idea," I said solemnly, absently straightening her shirt where my hands had skewed it.

"Oh come on," she said, rolling her eyes. "As if you haven't done this before. Just help me up; it's not a big deal."

I was skeptical, but it did seem somewhat hypocritical to refuse to do this when I couldn't even count the number of times I had done similar things in the past. If I could wander around in an abandoned hospital, I guess I could climb over a fence. I gave her one last hard look before I backed up a few steps. Giving myself a running start, I was up and over the fence in only a few seconds. Once on the other side, I glanced around in the dark to make sure no one else was there. I couldn't see very far, but it appeared we were alone. Once I confirmed we were secure, I unlocked the gate from the inside and let Kaname in. "Now," I said, "what exactly do you..."

I trailed off dumbly, sweat breaking out on my forehead as Kaname stepped in, away from the street, turned her back to me, and... took her shirt off.

My throat went completely dry, and I gaped. She tossed the garment on the ground as if it offended her, and I just stood there with my mouth hanging open. It was difficult to see much of anything because of the darkness, but her shoulders and the small of her back looked almost translucent in the dim moonlight.

“Ka…Kaname,” I choked, “Why are you removing your clothing?”

She glanced over her shoulder and scowled. “Turn around, you pervert.”

I did as I was told, in a numb state of shock. The brief glance I got at the back of her black… okay, how ridiculous is it that I’m embarrassed to say ‘bra?’ Whatever. The point is I was extremely disconcerted and more than a little uncomfortable, although admittedly not uncomfortable enough to want her to put her shirt back on. I stood perfectly still, hands shoved nervously in my pockets as I heard the rustling of more clothing behind me. Just how much was she going to take off!

After a few more moments, I heard a loud ‘splash’ and whirled about, squinting into the darkness. “Kaname?”

“Over here,” she called, “the water is fine.”

Water? I followed her voice around the corner of another building to see a large in-ground swimming pool, completely unlit and deserted. Kaname was hanging onto the edge in the deep-end, looking up to me. I frowned down at her, using all of my will-power to keep my eyes on her face. “What is this place?’

“It’s the public swimming pool,” she said. “It’s always way too crowded in the day-time, but it closes when it gets dark, so we have it all to ourselves!” She pushed some stray wet bangs out of her eyes with a smile. “So come in! It’s really nice.”

“With all due respect,” I said, “I don’t think that’s a very good idea. There is no lifeguard on duty, and your safety is extremely important.”

Kaname glared at me, her annoyance clear even in the darkness. “You’re telling me that you can jump out of planes into the ocean, crash land on submarines, protect me from psychopaths, and operate complex machinery, but you couldn’t save me if I swallowed some water?”

Meh, why did she always have to outsmart me? “Well…”

“You can swim, can’t you? There might be some floaties over there if you need help,” she said sarcastically, jerking her head towards the large bins by the pool.

I straightened up, beaming. “Yes, ma’am. I have completed training in several different strokes, surface diving, deep water diving, scuba, underwater mine detection, CPR, search and rescue in aquatic circumstances, basic and advanced flotation, enhanced lung capacity-“

“Great,” she said blandly, “so come on in!”

I started to sweat even more, almost shuffling my feet. Okay okay… let’s see… excuses, need another excuse. Hold on a second. The girl I supposedly love is wet, practically naked, and asking me to join her… why am I trying to come up with an excuse again? Why was pushing Kaname away such a reflex anyway? This was a very complex psychological matter, it seemed, that deserved significant thought. If-

“Why are you just standing there?” Kaname sighed, exasperated. “Strip!”

I jerked back. “Ah…”

“Oh please,” she moaned. “It’s the Sahara out there, and it’s nice in here-“

“Actually,” I interjected. “I’ve been to the Sahara, it’s nothing like this.”

She ignored me. “No one is around, we’re not going to get caught, safety issues are covered, and damn it, Sousuke, you’ve seen me without clothes on before, so get over whatever modesty issues you’re hanging onto.”

“But Chidori,” I said lamely, “if we should be attacked, you would be extremely vulnerable naked.”

“I’m not naked,” she rolled her eyes. “There’s this stuff, it’s called underwear, not sure you had it in the army but it’s really handy. See, it-“

“I am aware of such garments,” I said.

“Super. Now take your clothes off.”

Ehhhhhhh…

“Look, unless you want all of the firearms and explosives I know you’re hiding in your pockets to get wet, you better just take off your clothes.” She let go of the side to tread water, obviously growing impatient. She turned away from me. “See, I’m facing the other way. Go ahead, I won’t peek.” She laughed.

Well, I didn’t want her in there alone, and she didn’t seem so keen to come out… I would just have to be extra alert and on guard. Gathering up all of my wits, I deftly pulled my shirt over my head for the second time that day, discarding it on the ground, and reached for my belt.

“Take it all off?” I said skeptically, starting on the buckle.

“Yes,” she said as if it were obvious. “Wait, no. Leave your boxers on, of course. Unless, that is, you go commando, sir.”

“Ah… no,” I grumbled, slipping my shoes and socks off and then my pants. I stood there for another few moments.

“Don’t make me drown so you have to come in and save me,” she warned, turning around as I stepped down the ladder, truthfully relieved as the cool water spread over my skin. Swimming might be a good idea after all. The heat really was unpleasant, and being in the cold pool made being around such a scantily clad Kaname a much easier task.

"You made it!" her smile was dripping with false admiration. "I'm so proud of you."

I just frowned at her, following along as she motioned for me to join her at the other end of the pool. Once we got there, I folded my elbows on the side, watching her carefully. Luckily there were no undercurrents or poisonous animals, as this was a swimming pool, but water was still a risk.

"C'mon!" she grinned, pressing her feet against the wall and hanging onto the edge with just her fingertips. "Let's race!"

"I don't think-"

But she ignored me, her face set with determination. "3... 2... 1... go!" She pushed off against the wall, floating backwards quickly in a rather skilled use of the backstroke.

I sighed and did the same, glancing to the side out of the corner of my eye to keep tabs on her position in the pool. I was easily a stronger swimmer than she was, and was ahead of her after only a few seconds even though she had an early start. When we were about halfway down the length of the pool, I slowed my stroke just enough to let her get ahead, then kept pace with her until the end, Kaname touching the opposite wall just before I did.

I tried my best to look forlorn, expecting her to celebrate her victory, but she just glared, splashing at me. "You jerk, why did you let me win?"

"I didn't," I said innocently, raising my hands in surrender. "You're a very good swimmer."

"Yeah, I am," she agreed, then straightened up, probably trying to mimic me, and doing an embarrassingly good job. "But, you're a specialist."

Hmm... true.

"Don't tell me you're not a better swimmer than I am," Kaname chided. "You've had training up the wazoo. Aside from fitting in with normal people, there's nothing you can't do." While that might be a compliment coming from most people, Kaname did not seem impressed. I wasn't very flattered either, considering fitting in with normal people was one of my only objectives on this mission.

She sighed, turning over on her back and floating slowly into the center of the pool. I followed suit, leaning back with my stomach up, floating a few feet away, our fingertips were almost touching in the water. We were quiet, and I let my gaze drift to the stars. Nothing I can't do, eh? If that were really true, then these past few weeks wouldn't have been so damn confusing and painful. These past few weeks made my training seem incomplete and inadequate. My life had been almost void of social feelings and interactions, and suddenly, it made much more sense to me why I was so much better than my peers at remaining cool and detached in dangerous situations. I didn’t even know what affection was… so how could it get in my way? How could I fear losing it? Perhaps I was not a superior soldier at all… just a naïve one. It was clear to me now that there were plenty of things I couldn’t do… I was terrible in history class, I couldn’t remotely understand the female psyche, I didn’t have any kind of fashion sense, masked men seemed to have some resistance to me, I could barely keep evidence out of the hands of the enemy, and…

“I can’t dance,” I said blankly, causing Kaname to turn her head curiously. “There are things I can’t do… I don’t know how to dance.”

She righted herself, pushing her hair back behind her ears. “Well, you just listen to the music and… move around. It’s fun! It’s not hard; you just do whatever you want!”

Well see, the thing is that I’m used to taking orders. It’s when people leave me to my own devices that things get blown up and amusement park workers get violated, remember?

She continued, smiling at me. “Slow dancing is easy, too. I think it used to be a lot harder, but these days all you do is sway back and forth. It’s kind of boring, actually.”

I straightened as well, cocking my head in confusion. “If it’s boring, then why is it so popular?”

“It’s just an excuse for horny teens to rub up against each other, if you ask me.” She took my hand firmly, swimming over to a shallower area, where we could both touch bottom comfortably. “Here, I’ll teach you.”

Wait, didn’t you just tell me it’s an excuse for hormonal teenagers to rub up against each other? She took one of my hands in hers and placed my other one on her waist, snaking her free arm up across my shoulders, her finger tips spreading over my skin.

Just what are you trying to say?

“The most important thing is that you move in the same direction and you try not to step on the girl’s feet,” she said, trading her weight from one foot to the other at a steady pace.

That sounds easy enough, and under any other circumstances it might be, but come on Kaname, you're not wearing any clothes. I went totally rigid, keeping my eyes straight over her head, my hand on her bare waist under the water enough to make me question my profession. Why do I spend all my time with machines, again?

"You've got to loosen up," she laughed, moving a little closer to me. "You're not even moving at all."

No, no, for your own safety, I ask that you don't move any closer. I have not been faced with the adversary that is my hormones many times, and I cannot guarantee my stability.

"Sousuke," she said, clearly exasperated. "Left, right, left right, and we sort of move in a circle, you know?" She was moving back and forth more forcefully now, trying to get me to follow her lead. I wasn't being very cooperative, but I couldn't help it. In an effort to get me to move with her, she pressed right up against me, the only thing separating our skin was our soaked undergarments.

I swallowed, my eyes practically bulging. If you don't back away Kaname, we might not get out of this alive. Okay, think, process, say something. Break the tension. Take your mind off of the situation. Think of something else. Blood. Carnage. Mardukas.

She sighed when I hesitantly started to move, resting her cheek on my shoulder and lacing her fingers through mine. Even through the mask of the chlorine, her hair smelled so good. How do girls do that? Their hair always smells good. I became a little less tense, the calm swaying helping rein my nerves in a little. However, the second I let out a breath I didn't know I'd been holding in, I became acutely aware of the cool water sluicing over our overheated skin, the way the thick air settled over our shoulders, her breath across my neck, and her chest... against my chest, and-

HELMAJISTAN, DAMN IT. STARVATION. CHARRED FLESH.

"Don't worry so much," Kaname said quietly, and I glanced down to see her eyes closed, before I hurriedly averted my gaze. Her body looked much too appealing at this time. Such thoughts were completely inappropriate. Especially about Kaname. I didn't want to think about the number of fan whacks I'd receive if she could read my mind.

I could feel her tilt her head to look up at me, but I didn't dare meet her gaze. One look at those eyes and I knew all my restraint would be gone.

"What are you thinking about?"

Uhhhhhh... something between pushing you up against the pool wall and experimenting with our anatomy and people getting their limbs blown off.

I coughed. "I'm trying to focus."

Either she had no idea what trauma I was enduring, or she didn't care, because she kept talking as if we weren't embracing half naked in the dark. "We're in the water-"

Yes! Half naked in the dark and wet!


"-so you won't be able to trip or fall. Just try to relax some more, I won't bite you!"

I knew my mind was completely in the gutter when it occurred to me that getting bitten did not seem entirely unpleasant.

She laughed nervously, probably noticing the pulse working at my jaw and my set expression. “Sousuke, dancing is supposed to be fun, not painful.”

I said nothing, trying to keep my mind on stepping back and forth and around, not on the way her breathing made her skin move against mine.

“Are you okay?”

I crumbled, the concern in her voice causing me to look down and meet her eyes.

I couldn’t mumble out an immediate answer. I knew looking into her eyes was a bad idea. The soft, subtle moonlight was reflecting in them, showing a wealth of emotions I couldn’t even name. It was beautiful… but overwhelming. I guess that’s how I describe Kaname in general: beautiful, but overwhelming.

She repeated her question. I froze, our movements ceasing. The two of us just stood there in each other’s arms.

Actually, I’m not okay. Kaname, I love you.

“I-“

-love you, and I want you. Well, I have a general technical idea what it is I want to do with you, but it doesn’t make any sense to me, because I can’t think of you that way. The other day… and the video store… and my assignment… I won’t think of you that way. It’s not fair; it’s not right to you.

“Uh-“

¬Unfortunately, the lower half of my body seems to disagree with me on that one, but there’s even more going on. I have this feeling in my stomach, at the base of my neck, and behind my heart. I don’t think that has anything to do with having physical desires for you. I think those are probably severe symptoms of, you know, loving you. The combination is downright debilitating, and I can’t do anything right now.

“I-“

I’m not sure what the best course of action is at this moment. But either I let go of you and run far, far away, or something drastic is going to happen.

RUN!

No…

Somehow my face had drifted dangerously lower, my forehead resting lightly against hers. Control. This is a simple test of self control.

Alright, Sousuke. Here’s the plan of action: first, pick your head up.

She blinked slowly, her lashes had little water droplets on the edges.

Right. Now, pick your head up.

To my ‘dismay,’ my muscles did not seem quite in tune with my brain, because rather than pull back, I brushed our noses together briefly and watched the play of emotions in her eyes. I couldn’t tell what she was thinking or feeling; I just knew it was something strong, something good.

She dropped my hand, moving both of her arms up around my neck, straining upwards on her toes and pressing against me. My breath caught as her stomach stretched against my own and she leaned forward to rub her cheek gently over mine.

I struggled to string my thoughts together, my arms easily encircling her waist of their own volition. My mind scattered completely. All I was aware of was the rapid beat of our hearts, her fingertips weaving through the hair at the base of my neck, and how smooth the skin of her cheek was against mine. Someone should bottle this: the simultaneous effects of love and lust on a man. Such a compound would be perhaps the most deadly biological warfare. Entire armies struck dumb in their tracks.

Slowly, she settled back a few inches and our eyes met again. I tried one last time to rally myself… find some strength to resist, to repel her, but it just seemed so… impossible… like I was deep underwater and could barely see the surface, let alone claw my way up for air. Our breath mingled between us now, our lips mere centimeters apart. I held my breath, my eyes barely open, watching hers for some sign of objection.

Then, her lips were so soft, so warm, moving against mine… in words.

“I wish you’d make up your mind,” she whispered.

I jerked up a little, eyes wide. “W…what?” Look, I’m sorry Kaname, but you can’t possibly expect me to be coherent, can you?

A new emotion had entered her eyes, one that I knew all too well: hurt, and a little bit of anger. “I just…” her voice was quiet, and more uncertain than I think I’d ever heard her. “I just wish you’d decide. Are you here to protect me?”

“Of course,” I responded immediately, the haze slowly lifting from my eyes and my mind. “I will always protect you.”

She looked a little angrier at that, and I got a little more confused. “Because it’s your mission?”

“Yes.”

“Is that the only reason?

“Yes.” No! “No.”

She backed up a step, and I frowned as the cool water replaced her warmth against me. Her gaze was now hard, cold, and demanding. “Yes? No? Which is it?”

“Uh…” I struggled to gather my thoughts and come up with something suitable to say. Was the only reason I was protecting Kaname because that was my current assignment? I shook my head slowly, my voice barely above a whisper. “No.”

She froze, looking at me skeptically, a lock of wet hair falling into her eyes. “So… if Mithril assigned you somewhere else, you wouldn’t go?”

“No.”

She frowned. “No, you wouldn’t go? Or no, you would go?”

No I… what? “Uh…”

She growled slightly. “Is that such a difficult question!”

Actually it is. You’re asking me to choose between you and the rest of my life as I know it. It’s a very difficult question. The most difficult part of it was that the choice was clear to me, I knew what I would pick, and the thought terrified me. I, Sagara Sousuke, sergeant, specialist, raised on the battlefield, am so ready and willing to forget my rank, my training, and my superiors in favor of staying by one girl’s side. If that’s not enough to make me freak out a little, then I really don’t know what is.

“Sousuke?”

“I don’t know,” I croaked, watching water droplets fall from my bangs into the pool. “I don’t know.”

But I do know. I do.

She sighed and shook her head, turning and hoisting herself up on the ladder.

What would happen if I said it? How would things change? I had the feeling that if I told Kaname the truth… that I loved her… that I would rather do just about anything rather than leave her… I didn’t think that was something I could take back. It’s not that I thought I’d change my mind, but these were powerful statements. How would Kaname take them? What would it mean for our already unstable friendship? I contemplated these things while she climbed out of the pool, watching after her forlornly.

Another moment just passes me by.

I sighed, shaking my head and flinging water droplets off of my soaked hair. I immediately straightened, however, when I heard a muffled, choked sob from where Kaname had headed. Rushing up the ladder, I saw her standing over our pile of clothes, her face in her hands. I relaxed only slightly when I saw that there was no one around, nothing threatening her. That was not as comforting a thought as it might be though, because all it meant was that I had done something to upset her.

Still, I said stupid things on a regular basis, and I think I had only seen Kaname reduced to tears once or twice in all the time I’d known her. Was she really so injured by my indecision?

“Kaname…?” I asked quietly, exercising caution as I stepped towards her.

She sniffed, pushing her wet hair out of her face then crossing her arms over her chest, shivering in the now cooled night air. “My clothes are gone,” she said simply.

I looked over the ground and surrounding area carefully. It was just as she said. My clothes were right where I left him, but aside from her sandals, nothing of hers was to be found.

It was obvious she was on the edge of her rope, her breathing short and restrained. She was trying to contain an emotional outburst, and I was going to do my best to help her. I never know what to do when she cries; it’s probably the closest I come to panicking.

She laughed, but it was a short, bitter sound. “That freak in the mask probably came and took them while we were in the pool,” she scoffed. “Just my luck.”

My throat constricted at that, immediately disgusted with myself, and I cast about frantically. Was that right? Did he come? Was I so busy ‘rubbing up against her’ that I didn’t notice at all? Her clothes were only ten yards at most from the pool, which meant he had come close enough to cause serious damage if that was his intention. My stomach did backflips and I felt like I would be sick. Kaname’s clothes being gone were the least of our problems. She really could have been dead.

“I should get you home,” I said quietly, the fury and paranoia boiling rapidly in my gut. I didn’t know how I was going to be able to look myself in the mirror anymore. I had allowed myself to become distracted to the extent that I did not notice a malicious third party pass right under my nose. How was I even going to explain that in my daily report?

I bent down and picked up my t-shirt, handing it to Kaname absently and reaching for my pants. She just held it for a few moments, watching me fasten my belt, as if she wasn’t sure whether she should be angry with me or not. My heart lurched at her expression, my wet bangs falling in front of my eyes.

Maybe I deserve it, but don’t look at me like that, please.

She looked drained and a little frightened.

How many hearts can I possibly break in one evening?

“Put that on,” I said, motioning to my shirt. “It’s getting cool out; you don’t want to get sick.”

I watched as she obeyed, tugging it over her head. It reached just below her backside and clung to her damp skin. At least it was better than walking down the streets in her underwear. She slipped on her sandals silently while I tied my own shoes, my wet boxers soaking through my pants. Whose bright idea was this, anyway?

Kaname’s.

Really, if you’d asked me five minutes ago, I… well, I probably wouldn’t have been able to communicate, but if I were able I would have said it was a great idea.

Now, with Kaname angry at me, the knowledge that I had failed her yet again, the prospect of her walking barelegged back to the apartment and my wet feet squishing in my shoes, I thought it was a pretty bad idea. A very bad idea.

We started the walk back, our steps slow and tired, our shoulders a few feet apart instead of nearly brushing as they had been on the way over.

“You know,” Kaname said quietly. “I had this problem all the time, even before you came. My clothes have a habit of disappearing.”

I frowned. It is an unpleasant reality that attractive women are often targeted by thoughtless pranks.

“You have no idea how angry I was when I thought you were stealing my underwear,” she said seriously, reminding me of the time when I had been caught in the wrong place at the wrong time trying to prevent Shinji from going through with his little plot.

I ran a hand through my wet hair. “Actually, I think the bruises you gave me allowed me some idea, Miss Chidori.”

She gave me a sideways look, her expression cool and almost indifferent. “Miss Chidori, huh? So we’re back to that?”

If it means your safety, then yes.

“My attempts at protecting you recently have been shameful,” I said grimly, my eyes falling to the sidewalk ahead of me. “Action must be taken.”

“So, action means pretending the past few weeks never happened? That we weren’t just about to kiss back there? You know what Sousuke, you really are an asshole.”

I blinked, lengthening my stride to keep up with her rapid, angry steps.

“We’ve known each other for more than a year, and you can’t tell me anything. I see your thoughts rolling around in that empty head of yours, but you won’t say them; you won’t fill me in. You can spit all of your problems out to a philosophy teacher you’ve known less than fifteen minutes, but you can’t tell me anything. You can’t even tell me the truth.”

“Miss Chidori-“

“No, just shut up,” she snapped, holding up a hand and half-heartedly shoving me another few feet away from her. I kept pace now on the other side of the sidewalk.

“You don’t want to tell me anything? Fine. You want to keep playing this war game? Fine. You want to keep pretending things aren’t changing between us? Don’t have to change? I hope you have a fudgie blast.”

We’d reached the main entrance to her building, and she stuck an arm out to keep me from following her. “Go home and sleep under your own bed, Sergeant,” she said coolly. “Your sleepovers haven’t done much good, have they?”

Ouch, blow to the gut right there. I opened my mouth to protest, but she slammed the door in my face, pausing only to say, “I’m keeping your shirt,” before storming off towards the elevators.

It took me some time to get to sleep that night, gazing up at the bottom of my box spring. The memory of her harsh words coupled with the knowledge that she was in constant danger and I had done nothing to fix that beating at my mind. Things are changing between us. Things have to change. Soon we would graduate and she would face her new life. I would have to decide how much a part of that I would be, if she even allowed that to be an option after how I had been pulling her chain. If we even both lived that long, if the man in the skeleton mask didn’t kill us both or at least steal all of our clothes.

Somehow, I did get to sleep eventually, but even then I awoke several times in the night, banging my head against the underside of my bed, the scent of her hair and the warmth of her skin still clinging to my senses.