Inuyasha

[RussianFox]

Weekend
It’s Saturday, and the closed circuit cameras are off. Yes, viewers, the weekend is a time of rest for everyone, and the Big Buttocks cast are granted two days of privacy thanks to Sesshoumaru’s contract with his own company, Sesshoumaru TM âã all rights reserved. However, that does not mean this section will be empty! Yes, this weekend we will be interviewing the people responsible for the cameras in the Big Buttocks house, and one of the producers of Big Buttocks will be saying hello! Read on!
Fluffy Magazine welcomes Tomoyo Daidouji and Kensuke Aida! We understand that you two are responsible for the closed circuit camera system in the Big Buttocks house!
Aida: Yep, that’s my job! And waaooww…are they great cameras! Phew! The ones in the bedroom…they’re infrared! I worked on them with Sony. Are they good or what?!”
Tomoyo: Yes, we work on them together. They really are great cameras. We got perhaps the biggest budget of the whole series. And we used it…very well. Veeery well. Suddenly the cute Tomoyo looks rather evil and Fluffy Magazine is quite taken aback.
Fluffy Mag : Right. Good. So…er… what happens when a camera breaks?
Aida: I fix it.
Fluffy Mag : Right. But don’t the cast see you?
Aida: Yeah, I’ve had to do the one in the living room a couple of times. We’re not meant to talk to them, but they like to hear a bit about the outside world. Also- you’re not meant to hear this, but I do a bit of a trade- I keep Sesshoumaru supplied with his hand cream, and Inuyasha often asks me what’s up in the Financial Times. I hear he has shares in Microsoft.
Fluffy Mag: So what does a normal day entail?
Tomoyo: Since we both really should be at school, we wake at 5 and do two hours of private tutoring.
*Aida suddenly looks very pleased with himself.*
Tomoyo: Mrs McKensie comes in to teach me, and Aida has Major Katsuragi from NERV. I’d like to say that we’re both doing really well, but Aida seems to have …problems. Anyway, after school we come to what they call the ‘pilot’ room- it’s full of television screens of every room in the house.
Fluffy Mag: Even the shower?!
Tomoyo: Funny look Well, of course! The cast members aren’t always going to tell Big Buttocks if they’re ill or injured. The doctors supervise them in there. Nurse Joy is in charge of that unit.
Aida: Shut up Tomoyo, you little dolt. Too much detail! Basically we get up, we do school, we come to work, we fix cameras, we hobnob with famous people in the discussions room, we go home, we get called back to work ‘cos some camera doesn’t work, we get attacked by this giant fuzzy hairball that sometimes appears in the corridors and then we go home. And that’s a day.
Fluffy Mag: Hmm. So do you two get on well? How’s your professional relationship?
Aida: She’s like my little sister!!! Grabs Tomoyo round the neck and playfully rubs his fist into her head. The uncannily evil look returns to Tomoyo’s face and Fluffy Magazine backs away.
Fluffy Mag: Good. We’re happy for you. Um…what’s the most interesting thing that’s happened so far in your job?
Tomoyo: Easy. Inuyasha tried to eat the camera and I spent five days trying to bang the teeth indents out of it.
Aida: I was watching the shower camera, right? And then Sango came in and was about to take off her knickers when the camera broke down! Argh! The story of my life, that…
Tomoyo looks quietly content.
Fluffy Mag: So Tomoyo, how’s Sakura?
Tomoyo: Go away. Now.
Fluffy Mag: And so that wraps up our interview with those trustworthy people who spy…who work with the cameras at the Big Buttocks house! Right! Bye! Fluffy Magazine runs screaming out of the room.
Tomoyo: Camera 16 A’s not working.
Aida: They were pink panties, too…
Yo.
This is a one-off message from Sarah Jane Smith, main-writer-of-Big-Buttocks-but-recieving-lots-of-help-from-Fluffy-editors. After writing so much I just want to say hi, and was wondering how much you’re enjoying Big Buttocks. I hope you are! If you want to submit an idea, or some art, just email us! If you want to see something happen in the Big Buttocks house, tell me and I might include it. I already have the story vaguely plotted out but there’s plenty of room for other input! PLENTY of room. So much room that you could fill it up with kabana and you’d have a salami mine! Never mind.
If you like Big Buttocks, you’ll LOVE my inspiration-
Red Dwarf (British sci-fi comedy- the funniest ever)
Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy (Another sci-fi comedy but a beautiful story)
Father Ted (Irish comedy- HILARIOUS)
Yes Minister (Another British comedy about the Government- I never knew politics could be so good!)
Ranma ½ (Hilarious manga/anime by Rumiko Takahashi, author of Inuyasha!!)
So there you go, that should keep you entertained. Thankyou for reading!
Yours in entertaining, Lili (aka sjs)
So there you go! The BB team hopes you've enjoyed this weekend's special, and assure you readers that Monday's episode is up and coming, and is full of excitement, drama, and ...excitement. And humour. Hopefully.
Stay Tuned....


RF: they usually have short weekends, and the first one is particulary pointless.

[RussianFox]

Week 2
Monday

11:00 am
The cast wake late after a long night involving a midnight feast prepared by Naraku and a faulty light bulb. Inuyasha is still not everybody’s favorite person but it seems forgiveness for his cheating antics is on the way, at least from Kagome and Naraku. Naraku has gone back into his housekeeping duties with increased vigor, and the cast are enjoying a banquet breakfast.
Big Buttocks calls in to say that all of the advertisements were very effective, and that from now on they will not have to pepper their speech with slogans.
“Aww!” Cries Shippou, “I thought they were great to get across underlying messages, if you get my drift…Angelo’s glaciers and icebergs never flow and they never float!”
Suddenly Sango stands up and leaves the table.
“What’s up?” Miroku asks.
“Just going to the loo, you pervert,” She replies.
11:02 am
Sango doesn’t take the right door to the bathroom, however, and instead walks to the confession cam room where she sits down and asks Big Buttocks a rather personal question.
“What?” Exclaims Big Buttocks, “You want to go bra shopping?”
“Well, yes…” Sango blushes. “I’m sort of…lacking support…in that area…”
“Berlei lingerie supports you when you’re in times of need…” Says Big Buttocks.
Sango glares.
“Sorry,” He says. “Can’t we just ship in some bras to you?”
Sango looks flustered. “Well, no! You need to get them fitted, and choose your own colours, and …stuff.”
Big Buttocks mutters something about the complexities of being a woman, and then agrees- today the first out-of-house excursion will be launched!!
11:05 am
Sango returns to the breakfast table, where the cast are holding a deep conversation about the pros and cons of tarantula farming.
“You’d never get bothered by flies again!” Naraku argues. “You’d just whip out your handy tarantula and vwip! No more insects.”
Kagome tells Naraku that tarantulas don’t actually eat flies.
“What do they eat?” Naraku asks, fascinated. “I mean, I’ve had one sitting on my back for years and not once has it gone for a meal. Do you think it’s hungry?”
The revolted cast detain from answering that question, and shuffle away from Naraku’s general direction. The silence is broken as Big Buttocks interrupts with news that excites Miroku, disgusts Shippou and utterly terrifies Inuyasha.
“Today some of you will be granted permission to go on an excursion out of the house for a day. Some members of the house…” (Sango blushes) “…find it necessary to go bra shopping. Five of you will be allowed to come. I will pick the five, and you must give me your reasons. I’ll decide on that alone.”
Everyone looks relatively excited, and one by one the housemates are called to state why they should be allowed on the excursion.
“Well, now I come to think of it, I am running low,” Kagome says. “Sango and I should be allowed to go because as young women, we have need of…lingerie.”
Kikyou also states that she is a woman and desperately needs something to “stick up the sags”.
Sesshoumaru argues that he hasn’t been shopping for months and needs to fulfil his physical need to spend money and carry bags full of lovely things.
“I think I ought to come…” Miroku says and hastily backs up his statement with- “Well, I mean come on, you’ve gotta have a handy male to tag along and carry all the bags! Don’t you?”
“What about you, Inuyasha?” Says Big Buttocks. “What’s your reason?”
Camera 15d zooms in on the hanyou’s blushing face as he asks quietly… “What’s a bra?”
11:15 am
After a while of deliberation, Big Buttocks announces who is to go on the excursion, and the cast listen with ears pricked in the way only a dog can be when it eats a cactus.
“Here is my decision-” Big Buttocks says. “Sango, Kagome and Kikyou will go, because…well, they’re women and they need their…things. Miroku, because we need someone to carry the bags, and Naraku because he needs a maternity bra.”
“B…but what about me?” Sesshoumaru cries. “I had valid reasons!”
Big Buttocks takes on a stern tone. “You already have 459 garments in your wardrobe,” He booms angrily, “and I saw that lacy red number you had smuggled in last week!”
Sesshoumaru flinches, but sulks, resigning back to the bathroom where he gives himself a “comfort” makeover involving a rather violent asparagus facial scrub.
Kouga also is disappointed- he was looking forward to what he thinks of as ‘bonding time’ with Kagome. However, Kagome looks rather pleased at avoiding what she would call ‘modelling bras’ for Kouga, and waves goodbye to Inuyasha and Shippou as she is escorted out of the house to the Big Buttocks minibus.
This is the first time out of the house since the start of the program, and they smile up at the clear blue sky as the security guards wearing Gendou brand sunglasses help them into the minibus. Miroku also looks as though Christmas has come early, and chats happily to Naraku about the Sahara desert and snowcones.
11.20 am
The lingerie camaraderie wave goodbye to the four disgruntled canines who have been left at home. They turn to face the front of the bus and realise with horror that their driver is a wrinkly old woman named Kyuu-san, who has never retained a license for more than two weeks.
“Music?” She asks, and turns the radio on to Gold Classics 104.3 FM which, ironically, is playing “Stairway to Heaven”. As the car races through two red lights and narrowly misses a baby on a zebra crossing, Kagome screams and Sango throws up out of the window. Kagome remarks shakily that they won’t need to climb the Stairway to Heaven; with Kyuu-san driving they have a direct link.
Once again, Miroku does his best to look concerned like a sensitive new-age guy, and Naraku tells him not to worry, and to put his head between his knees.
Naraku finds himself shunted up the front, next to Kyuu-san.
11.35 am
Back at the house, the remaining four male cast members sit at a table, already bored out of their wits. The only card game Shippou knows how to play is snap, and scrabble is out of the question because the only words Inuyasha can spell are “dog demon” and “feh”. None of them can cook, and Kouga refuses to have makeup put on him. Sesshoumaru cradles his head in his beautiful hands as he realizes that this excursion seeks only to prove how incompetent they all are.
11.40 am
After narrowly escaping death by car accident (or a quick visit home in Kikyou’s case) the woozy cast thank Kyuu-san for nothing, and exit the minibus.
They find themselves in front of “Tits and Tats lingerie bargain palace”. (Editor’s note: such a place truly does exist! I think they were trying to imply something along the lines of ‘bits and bobs’ but didn’t realise the connotations of their ‘unique’ choice of name.)
Even Miroku looks slightly anxious but puts on a brave face for a green-looking Sango, who is hanging onto his arm for support.
It appears Big Buttocks has attempted to choose a derelict, ‘unknown’ bra shop in the hope that fans won’t pursue the cast to what is supposed to be a ‘secret location’. However, Big Buttocks efforts appear to have been in vain, and a bunch of screaming fangirls (and scared-looking fanboys) are gathered behind a barrier.
The cast hurry into “Tits and Tats”, excluding Naraku who decides to moon the crowd.
There is a shocked silence, and quickly the crowd disperses.
“Son of a gun,” Naraku says smugly and blows pretend smoke away from his gun-shaped fingers.
12.00 am
Back at home, Big Buttocks has taken pity on the four wretched dogs, and has had a TV taken in so that they can watch what is happening on the excursion. Those at the bra shop don’t know that Big Buttocks has wired up spy ‘shoppers’ with secret cameras to give the TV audience a peek into their adventures. Sesshoumaru, Kouga, Inuyasha and Shippou watch earnestly as the camera zooms up on Kikyou and Kagome.
12.02 am
Kagome picks up a red satin bra and checks it for the size.
“Why do you want a red, satin bra?” A narrow-eyed Kikyou hisses.
Taken aback, Kagome hastily puts it away, muttering “Maybe not.”
She moves on, and finds a sexy, pink lacy 14C.
“What do you want a sexy, lace bra for?” A suspicious Kikyou asks. “What’s wrong with a just plain white?”
Kagome puts it back, though she feels she’s getting wind of what’s going on. She moves to a rack of g-strings, and Kikyou’s eyes widen.
“W…why do you want a leopard-skin g-string?!?!?!?!”
In an annoyed tone, Kagome replies- “Oh, because I think Inuyasha would find my lovely curvy body quite attractive in one.”
Kikyou is quite taken aback and starts to hover above the ground as she does in times of stress. Back home, however, Inuyasha wishes he could sink into the ground as one dog, one wolf and one fox stare at his blushing face.
“I don’t know what she’s talking about!!” He cries, and races away to find a safe retreat.
Sesshoumaru starts to look vaguely interested in what is going on around him. “Well well! I think there’s more to this story than what he’s letting on!”
“Yeah,” Shippou chuckles. “You hit the spot!”
“Ho! My little brother, a charmer, eh?”
The two giggle about it for a while, as Kouga looks at them, growing increasingly furious. Finally, with a loud Godzilla roar he jumps up and races after Inuyasha yelling, “Come back here you little charmer!”
12.15 am
Sango and Miroku want some help with bra fitting.
Naraku is quite content to wander by himself among the maternity bras, humming softly to himself and paying particular attention to a brand called “Billy Boos- expanding bra catering for all the weights of motherhood”.
After waiting for ages, Sango and Miroku are approached by a kindly middle aged woman who looks uncannily familiar.
“Hello, can I help you at all?” Her voice sounds familiar too.
“Er…yes,” Says Sango, “I need a…bra fitting.”
“She’s never had one before,” Miroku whispers conspiratorially, and Sango is about to hit him when she realizes his hand is on her shoulder and he’s actually trying to be nice.
“Right…” Says the woman in an understanding tone, and smiles benignly at them. “Oh, you two must be so happy! I can just tell you’re newlyweds!”
With that, the woman whips out a deluxe tape measure and leads a protesting Sango off to the fitting rooms.
12.17 am
An angry Kouga follows Inuyasha’s scent till he finds him sulking in the communal bedroom.
“Oi!” Kouga shouts in typical overgrown-charged-up-male-wolf fashion. “What dya think you’re doing to my wo-man!”
“Get lost, you stupid punk,” Inuyasha growls.
“Not till you ‘fess up and I’ve beaten you for harassing my woh-man, you god-awful apology for fossilized skunk waste!” Kouga barks.
The hairs rise on Inuyasha’s neck and his fists are clenched.
“Once again, you have no friggin’ idea what you’re talkin’ about!” Inuyasha snarls back, and the two dogs begin to growl at each other.
The Big Buttocks youkai language translators assure viewers that this is just regular canine standoff growling, but this translation provided by Shippou after the series was shot may prove more reliable. Following is a quick guide to youkai language that viewers might find useful-
Grr- Get lost
Hrr- You repulsive vat of infected earwax
Growlrlrl- You look like my grandmother
Gerrrr- You fawning, tardy-gaited strumpet
Arr- You revolting pirate scum
Snorkrr- Has the sewer broken, or is your deodorant just off?
*Hack*- Furballs suck, man!
Srrr- Come leap into my arms, my hairy princess!
12.24 am

Miroku is waiting outside the fitting rooms, listening to Sango being fitted by the nice lady. Now and then he hears words he understands, such as ‘strap’ and ‘padding’, but the rest of their conversation he assumes to be ‘woman-speech’, and makes no attempt at trying to understand what the difference between a “Perele Seductive Satin lacy 14D with retainer switch-able straps” and a “Joanne cup size chart” is. He only hopes desperately that Sango fits into the Seductive Satin bra, and is reflecting on the outcomes of this as Kagome approaches the fitting rooms with a spiteful Kikyou on her heels.

“Inuyasha never liked me in lace, so he’s sure as heaven not going to like you in a g-string!” Kikyou hisses.

“Everything alright, Kagome sama?” Miroku asks with a raised eyebrow.

“Yes,” Kagome sighs. “Kikyou thinks I’m going to seduce Inuyasha with a g-string. The truth is, I’ve never dreamed of wearing one in m life.”

Kagome looks so downcast that Miroku’s expression softens and he is about to offer some holy words of wisdom when Sango and the lady come out of the fitting room. “Well, what do you think?”

Kagome and Miroku reel over in shock.



12.28 am

“For the last time, back off if you know what’s good for you!” Inuyasha snarls.

“Only over your dead carcass!” Kouga cries. Inuyasha boils with anger.

“Fine! It’s about time we finished this fight!”

And with that, both canines rush forward with a yell, and grapple mid air. As tetsusaiga was confiscated from him before he entered the house, Inuyasha has no choice but to use his ‘claws of blood’ attack. Kouga is better prepared, however, and uses the full thrust of his weight to crush Inuyasha in what he calls “walrus blubber attack!”

Inuyasha tenses to throw Kouga off his back, but hesitates as he feels something underneath him snap.

“Had enough, eh?” Kouga taunts.

“Just get lost,” Inuyasha growls, and heaves Kouga off. He looks at the broken object underneath him- and his heart sinks like the Titanic did after Jack stacked on those extra kilos…



12.32 am

Miroku is dazzled by Sango’s exquisite beauty – or at least, the exquisite beauty of a cream Elle feminine touch strapless bra. He finds himself unable to move, and stays in the same position for at least ten minutes after his encounter. Kagome’s attention, however, is focused on the kind woman coming out of the changeroom.

“Mum!” She exclaims. “I didn’t know you worked here!”

“Kagome! Dear!” Kagome’s mum exclaims, and embraces her daughter. “I don’t really, I just got work here as a Christmas casual so I could see you, honey! How’s it going?”

Kagome smiles at her mother. “Oh, ok. Kikyou’s still gives me a bit of trouble, but apart from that it’s good. Kagome’s mum’s eyes slant, and travel to Kikyou.

“How much trouble?” She mutters to Kagome.

“Ah, no, mum…it’s not much, really…”

“Well, if you say so,” Smiles her mum, with her eyes still fixed on Kikyou. “Now Sango, would you like to try another?”

Naraku toddles up to take his place beside Miroku, looking rather downcast.

“How did you go, Naraku?” Miroku asks.

“Not so well, actually…they didn’t have any bras with three cups…”





12.35 am

“Sh…shit…” Inuyasha curses as he examines the crushed object beneath him. “Y…you bastard! Look! Look what you’ve done to Kagome’s china elephant!” Inuyasha shows Kouga the broken white shards in his hand.

Kouga backs away. “N…no way!” He exclaims. “You’re the one who sat on it!”

“Kagome will hate me for this…” Inuyasha says sadly, looking at the broken elephant. “It was her most prized possession…”

“She’ll hate me too…” Kouga says, on the verge of tears.

“She already does, you jerk!” Inuyasha cries, and the two prepare to enter battle once more when Shippou and Sesshoumaru enter the bedroom.

Immediately Shippou takes stock of what has happened, and gasps in shock. Sesshoumaru, however, continues to chuckle to himself- “My brother…you little charmer…”

Shippou cautiously approaches Inuyasha. “What are you going to do? Kagome’ll be back in an hour!”
Inuyasha panics. “Can we stick it back together?”

“We’ve got no superglue!” Shippou cries.

“What about that sticky stuff Naraku served up last night?” Kouga asks.

“You can’t repair broken china with Turkish delight,” Sesshoumaru says snidely, polishing his nails on his ribbon. “What you need…is this!”

With a flourish, out of nowhere Sesshoumaru brandishes a bottle of clag.

“Clag?” Kouga cries.

“Is that all we have?” Inuyasha asks in an uncharacteristically low tone.

“Take it or leave it,” Sesshoumaru remarks with his eyes closed, ‘but bear in mind, it’s this or Turkish delight…”



12.39 am

“Inuyasha!” Shippou cries. “Won’t it smell?”

“Yeah…” Kouga squints, “What happens when it goes off?”

Inuyasha hunches protectively over Kagome’s broken elephant, attempting to fix it and letting Kouga’s advice to “Let me do it ‘cos I’m experienced at haberdashery and you ain’t got nothin’ on my wo-man” go unheeded.

“There’s one small fault in your plan, Inuyasha…” Shippou remarks.

“Wazzat?” Inuyasha says, squinting as he carefully sticks a leg where a tusk should go.

“I think Kagome will notice when her normally glossy white elephant starts to ooze with pink goo, and finds its grown a tail out of it’s eye socket.”

“Just shut up,” Inuyasha barks. Unused to such intricate work, Inuyasha is finding repairing the elephant difficult. He persists, however, his determination coming out of concern for Kagome, pride in front of Kouga or merely to piss off his guffawing brother in the corner.



1.25 am

The elephant has been ‘repaired’.

Shippou says it doesn’t look like an elephant, rather it resembles a dragon-orc creature from the planet Skaro.

Kouga asks Inuyasha what he’s playing at, using the broken china shards to create what uncannily looks like the image of his grandmother’s face.

Sesshoumaru thinks that dried Oni in walnut sauce is a great idea and starts to bemoan the fact that he’s not in the Sengoku Jidai. Inuyasha bangs his head against the table, waiting in tense anxiety for Kagome’s return home, and the death of either himself, Kouga, or both of them.



1.45 am

The excursion is nearly over Kagome and Sango have bought seven bras between them. Kikyou is empty handed however, and appears to have had enough bra fitting for one day. When asked why, a gruff “it’s too chilly” is her reply, but Kagome thinks she knows the reason as her mother comes to say goodbye with a wicked grin on her face.

“Goodbye now, honey,” She says. “Just enjoy yourself. I don’t think you’ll have any trouble from your friend anymore…” She nods towards a white Kikyou and winks.



1.53 am

The lingerie camaraderie board the minibus, only having to wait momentarily for Naraku as he buys a last minute present, and shoves the shocking pink object into a bag. When questioned, he replies, “I thought my dumpling back home would like a present.”

With that, he boards the bus and immediately tries to get off again as Kyuu-san releases the brake…



2.30 pm

The flustered shopping crew arrive back home, grateful for a warm reception given to them by three dogs in the living room. Naraku happily shows Sesshoumaru what he has purchased, and Sesshoumaru squeals at Naraku’s ‘surprise’ gift of a girdle. Kouga bounds up to Kagome and asks about the excursion; Kagome replies politely, being careful not to expose to the overcharged wolf the contents of her bag. As she heads towards the bedroom, she passes Inuyasha who gives her a gruff ‘hi’ and then pretends to look extremely fascinated with the central heating control on the wall. Kagome walks into the bedroom.



2.32 pm

Kagome walks out of the bedroom.

She holds up her china elephant.

“What on earth happened to this?” She asks hysterically.

Kouga and Inuyasha both look at each other and gulp.

“Well…” Inuyasha starts.

“It’s like this…” Kouga explains.

“There was an invasion of pink-blooded exploding cicadas.”

Kagome stares dumbfounded. Inuyasha nudges Kouga, who continues; “Yeah, they, um, burrow inside things made of china and lay eggs…”

“Which then explode and the babies come out…”

“And their heads burst and it’s really sticky because…”

“…yeah, sticky because…”

“because…”

“…they eat Turkish delight!” Shippou shrieks, unable to bear the tension any longer.

“You broke it, didn’t you,” Kagome says quietly.

“Yes,” Inuyasha says.

“Told you she’d find out!” Kouga hisses.

“It’s your fault, bloody hell, bursting cicada heads?! That was a dead giveaway! Never expect anything good from a bloody wolf…”

“Or a mongrel!”

“Take that back!”

“When hell freezes over!”

Kouga and Inuyasha prepare to enter another fight when Kagome bursts into tears. Sango immediately comes to her side and leads her into the bedroom to be comforted, shooting dark looks at any male in the vicinity including Miroku who recognizes that this is not a good time to ask Sango to bear his child.

Kikyou however, thinks that this is great and floats over to Inuyasha.

“Oh look. You made her cry. She hates you now. Come with me to hell.”

“You shouldn’t have said that, Kikyou,” Inuyasha says quietly and the tension levels in the room rise so high that Shippou actually finds himself seeking the company of Naraku and Sesshoumaru, who are throwing out the rest of the Turkish delight because it has mould on it.



3.32 pm

For a full hour, Sango and Kagome have locked themselves in the bedroom, talking. Inuyasha paces up and down as he tries hard to listen to what they are saying. He can’t hear anything, however, as Kikyou continues to float around his head, making up more death poetry and attempting to entice him into joining her in hell. As Inuyasha finally decides to tell her to back off and leave him alone, the door opens and Sango comes out with a smiling Kagome.

“I’m alright now,” She says. “You really do feel better after a good cry.”

Sango feels satisfied after a job well done, and goes off to find Miroku, who is hastily putting her bras back in their bags, lest he be caught.



6.00 pm

To fill in the time before dinner, those who have bought garments try them on again to make sure they fit. Inuyasha spends this time worrying about women, and finally seeks out Kagome as the cast head towards the dinner table.

“Aren’t you angry?” He says. “About the elephant, I mean.”

“No,” Kagome says lightly. “These things happen. Forgive and forget, that’s what my mum always says.”

“But it was so important to you…”

Kagome sighs. “At the end of the day, I suppose possessions aren’t that important. Friends and family are the most important thing…though, it is true that Hojo-kun went out of his way to get it for me…”

Inuyasha freezes. “Hojo…kun?”

“Mm, he gave it to me at school…”

“H…Hojo-kun gave you that elephant?” Inuyasha picks himself off the carpet.

“Yes, isn’t he nice…”

Inuyasha storms off, muttering something along the lines of “Well, doesn’t that just take the cake,” and isn’t to be seen for more than half an hour. Having listened in on the conversation, Kouga isn’t too happy either, and curses for a while over that ‘stupid no-brain boy with weird-ass hair’.



6.38 pm

It’s voting time! Big Bollocks calls the housemates to the lounge room to discuss nominations. They must elect two housemates of their choice, in order of whom they would most like to evict out of the house. The one they want most to leave the house receives two points, the other one point.

“But it’s Christmas eve tomorrow!” Kagome cries. “Isn’t that a little heartless? Getting evicted just before Christmas?!”

“Hmm, I suppose so…” Big Buttocks muses. “I’ll see what happens tomorrow.”

THE VOTES


Shippou- “I don’t think I can stand the tension levels in this house any longer! Kouga is such a bastard, I want him out. Naraku too- he nearly microwaved me when I was trying to hide from Kouga…”


Kagome- “Kikyou and I really aren’t getting on very well, I suppose it’s inevitable that I’d be voting for her…I mean, it’s not like I’ve actually done anything to her! Also, Kouga…sometimes I just don’t feel like he fits in…”


Naraku- “I think that little one, Shippou should go… I mean, I nearly microwaved him the other day. I wouldn’t have stopped it if I hadn’t heard the screams- I think that steamed kitsune might actually taste nice…*drifts off into a daydream involving herbs, spices and shippou…* …oh yeah, also, Miroku. I just don’t like the guy. *Flashes a casual grin*


Sango- “As a woman, you’d expect me to be very in tune with all the other women in this house, and I am getting very bad vibes from that Kikyou. She’s deliberately setting out to be mean to Kagome! Kouga too- everybody knows he doesn’t stand a chance with Kagome. Yep. There are my votes. Thinks Oh, Miroku…blushes …he can wait till nest time!”


Inuyasha- “That f***ing Kouga bastard still won’t stay away from Kagome!! It’s his bloody fault that Kagome’s elephant was broken! Stupid bastard. And my brother…stupid turd thinks he’s prettier than Kagome…oh, not that I’d know…”


Kouga- “That stupid dog turd Inuyasha! He’s getting to up himself for his own good! I want him away from my woman! I also want that little fox out of here…Shippou. He’s going to get hurt one day.”


Miroku- “I’m going to vote out Shippou- whispers conspiratorially…It’s not like I want to, but I’m worried about his well being. He doesn’t seem to cope with stress well. Also I want Naraku out…I just don’t like him!”


Kikyou- “Kagome must leave. In a scary tone of voice- She probably buys china elephants just so Inuyasha will break them and feel bad! Well, I won’t have it. Dead people should not be antagonized! Also, Sesshoumaru must go- my black mascara collection is decreasing day by day…”


Sesshoumaru- “That little fox. I think he should go. I mistook him for a powder puff and the results were quite ugly. Cute things have no place in this house either, people just don’t seem to understand that I am the cutest thing round here. Also, my brother- you charmer…people also don’t seem to understand that I’m the only person here with charm…I won’t have it! I’m sorry dear brother, but you must go; even my lawyers recommend it.



Big Buttocks assures the cast that he’ll let them know who the evictees are within the hour. Naraku serves up dessert, which to Shippou’s great relief is not Turkish delight.

“What is it?” Shippou asks, digging in.

“Well,” Naraku says happily, “They call it Elephant’s foot jelly…”

Shippou faints.

“But its actually just custard with mandarin mixture and egg gelatin.”

Suddenly nobody feels very hungry.



7.00 pm

Big Buttocks clears his throat. “I’d like to announce the three people who have been selected this week- they are Kouga, Kikyou and Shippou.”

Kouga and Kikyou both wear frowns. Shippou, however, is ambivalent- on the one hand he is upset at his apparent unpopularity, on the second hand he looks forward to the possibility of returning to a safe, comfortable world.

Inuyasha breathes a sigh of relief, and then tenses again as he realizes his brother hasn’t been nominated for eviction either.



7.15 pm

Kikyou enters the bedroom and emerges later, holding a small Polaroid camera.

“Seeing as it could be my very last night here, I’d like to take a group photo to mark the occasion” she says emotionally.

Sesshomaru flashes a smile.

“Of courth darling, I’m thure it can be arranged with my publithity agent.”

Out of nowhere, he pulls out a mobile phone and begins to dial a number…

“OI! How on earth did he smuggle in a phone!” Big Buttocks bellows angrily.

Naraku expression is a guilty one, and the reason why the girdle was so lumpy is revealed.

The phone is confiscated, and Sesshomaru begins to sulk.



Kagome is suspicious. “Why would Kikyou suddenly want to take a photo? It isn’t like her…” she mutters to Miroku.

“I agree.” He says. “But maybe it’s for the best. I mean, one day I may get that very photo, and Sango and I could paste it into out an album, titled ‘Our pre-marriage days…’”

Kagome gives him a funny look and moves away.



8.00 pm

Kikyou has finally managed to get the whole cast together, and assembles them on the couch. Sesshomaru is shoved at the back because of his height, and this puts him in an even grumpier mood, and was even heard to mutter the famous youkai phrase – grr knowe hgurrr peeroww (*translated as beautiful people should be in front regardless of height, or- green ties should never be worn with shorts).

Kagome and Naraku are also shoved to the back, whereas Inuyasha is put in center position. Shippou goes into hysterics, screaming something about getting his head bitten off when told to ‘sit on Kouga’s knee, while resting your head against Inuyasha.’

Kikyou finally takes the photo, much to everyone’s relief, and they all slump in front of the TV, for a double viewing of the police drama ‘The Bill’, except for Kikyou and Sesshomaru. Naraku seems to have an infatuation with the brown haired pretty policewoman, and Sesshomaru refuses to watch it because “I’m much more beautiful than that presumptuous bobby-pin’.

Kikyou continues to take photos of various objects, much to the objection of Big Buttocks.



10.00 pm

After the TV session ends, the cast enjoy some supper provided by Naraku (creamy tuna popcorn), and decide to turn in for the night. Kagome is last to brush her teeth, and as she leaves the bathroom, she finds herself cornered by Kikyou.

“All right, Ms. Elephant” Kikyou snarls. “What do you think about this, then!”

She thrusts a photo into Kagome’s face. Kagome takes the photo, baffled.

“Caught in the act!” Kikyou says smugly. “Picking your nose! What a disgusting habit!”

Kagome narrows her eyes. “Kikyou, what do you want?”

“I won’t show anyone that photo, if you do what I say!” Kikyou smiles evilly. “ And I want you to stay away from Inuyasha, and let him come to hell with me.”

“I’m sorry, Kikyou, but I’m afraid I can’t do that.” Kagome says slowly.

“Why not!” Kikyou snaps.

“Well, because the girl in the photo isn’t me.” She says. “It’s you. You were holding the camera the wrong way around.”

“What!” Kikyou grabs the photo. Kagome is right. And to make matters worse, the rest of the photos are all disgusting close ups of Kikyou’s face.

Kikyou storms off in a huff, and Kagome is left feeling quite triumphant.



10.30 pm

Nearly the whole cast are asleep, except for Kagome and Kikyou. As Kagome drops off, she distinctly hears Kikyou muttering death poetry. It turns out that Kikyou’s death poetry makes for a good sleeping agent, and the cast are fast asleep within ten minutes of them going to bed; a new record.

[Guest]

hehe MMmmm Kagome ^_^

[RussianFox]

hmmm?... kagome-fan?

[Esyla]

that was a good one

[RussianFox]

Tuesday
9.30 am
The cast wake relatively early, and drag themselves to the table where Naraku has made use of the limited supplies to prepare toasty crepes with parsley sauce and cream cheese.
Big Buttocks reads the cast their daily horoscopes, and then reminds them once more that tomorrow is Christmas day. Shippou appears excited, but Kagome asks worriedly what they are to do about gifts.
“I mean, we can’t go shopping again, can we?” She asks.
Big Buttocks sniggers, the auditory equivalent of tapping his nose. “You won’t have to worry about gifts, because Santa Claus is coming!!”
This statement only manages to provoke a reaction in Kagome; the rest of the cast sit in silence.
“Who’s Santa Claus?” Shippou asks. “I mean, you explained the Christmas story to me yesterday, but you didn’t mention him,”
“You don’t know who Santa Claus is?” Kagome and Big Buttocks exclaim incredulously.
“Santa Claus is the person who comes down the chimney every Christmas eve at midnight, and delivers presents to all the children around the globe!” Kagome exclaims.
“What does this ‘Santa Claus’ look like?” Sango asks.
“Well, he wears red, and he’s got white hair, he has a funny laugh and he’s a bit pudgy,” Kagome says.
10.00 am
Inuyasha has spent the last half hour trying to convince Shippou that he is not Santa Claus, has never worn a beard and wouldn’t give presents to snotty kids if his life depended on it. Shippou however, remains unconvinced and spends the rest of the day trying to catch out Inuyasha performing his various duties as Santa Claus. To convince Shippou otherwise, Inuyasha abstains from participating in any pre-Christmas activities, such as cooking in the kitchen and putting the finishing touches on the tree. Unfortunately, this makes him appear rather selfish and the rest of the cast are not well disposed towards him as the day passes.
11.00 am
The cast break for morning tea, after working hard to clean the house for the big day tomorrow.
Kagome brings up the topic of presents once again.
“What are you guys all planning to do? I’d feel really bad if I didn’t give anyone presents…”
Naraku states that he’ll be cooking them all a lovely treat.
Miroku says he came into the house prepared for Christmas day, and already has their presents. Sango reveals that she’s been working on a secret origami project for a week. Kagome begins to feel rather bad about the whole business, and sips her tea thoughtfully as she thinks of things to make using the only available resources in the house. Inuyasha, too, reflects on gift giving and wonders if Kagome would appreciate one of his few modern possessions- a box of matches.
Sesshoumaru and Naraku are being remarkably coy around one another as they tiptoe around on secret ‘missions’. Only Kouga has no genuine idea what is going on, and he is quite content to sit in a corner, chewing on a bottle cork and thinking about his wo-man.
12.00 pm
The cast are all in separate areas of the house, and the atmosphere is quiet and tranquil, with a little buzz of excitement as they prepare their gifts.
Kagome sits in the bedroom. She has decided to make pillows for the crew out of her own bed sheets, and uses a handy pile of feathers Naraku has provided (from God knows where) to stuff them with.
Naraku has monopolized the kitchen, and Miroku sits in the lounge room adding multitudes of ribbons to his presents for Sango.
Sesshoumaru is sitting in bathroom one, alone. Camera 7a shows him emptying expensive bottles of Dior and Calvin Klein perfume into a bucket, and then filling the empty bottles with “Fresh as Frieza” fragrance from the Two Dollar shop. These doctored bottles he wraps up as presents for his beloved Naraku. Camera 7a zooms in. Sesshoumaru stops his work to look up, and lets out an almighty shriek. One manicured hand reaches out towards the lens and a crunching sound is heard among the wails of “You’ve discovered my secret!!”
12:30pm
As punishment for refusing to take part in the day’s Christmas festivities, the cast reach a unanimous decision to ban Inuyasha from participating in Naraku’s “special” Christmas-eve lunch. Inuyasha, tired after being constantly followed by Shippou – the kitsune still suspecting him of being Santa Claus – gives a disgruntled FEH and storms off, with Shippou following in hot pursuit.
1:00pm
After serving up lunch (spicy passion fruit pie and tomato salad with yogurt dressing), Naraku proceeds on to the next pre-Christmas housekeeping chore: cleaning the fridge. Over the past few weeks, the fridge has built up an interesting collection of various items – some only vaguely resembling food – as well as an interesting odor. Naraku hums his rendition of “It’s a long way to Tipperary” as he works, and seems unaffected by the nasty smell given off by a growing pile of compost-in-the-making. Shippou, ever curious, pokes at a rock hard object lying next to a moldy cucumber.
“What’s this?” he asks
Naraku stops humming and flashes one of his casual grins.
“Last night’s elephant’s foot jelly.”
Shippou turns the same shade of green as the cucumber, and runs off to the nearest bathroom. Judging by the ensuing screams and sounds of breaking glass, the bathroom is already occupied by Sesshoumaru, who is not pleased at the disruption of his afternoon beauty regime.
1:45pm
Naraku, chores over and done with, carries the container of no-longer-edible foods out to the garbage. On the way there, he passes a sulking Inuyasha, who does not acknowledge his presence.
Note:
The Big Buttocks house adheres to all heath, hygiene and safety regulations, and is inspected weekly by the certified authorities responsible for each department. After the incident with an unclaimed hairball blocking the sink and ruining the plumbing, investigations are being held into how the moldy cucumber was overlooked. Currently, all leads are pointing to Sesshoumaru and his cucumber eye cleansing treatment.
2:00pm
Inuyasha has been caught by Camera 28h rifling through the rubbish bin. In somewhat of an irony, the rock-hard Elephant’s Foot Jelly, now sporting a thick orange crust, has avoided the dreaded garbage bin, instead finding its way three meters from Inuyasha’s foot. Camera 28h manages to catch a snippet of what sounds like a growling stomach through the static, before it ceases to function.
2:30pm
Big Buttocks calls the cast into the lounge room to make an announcement. Even Shippou keeps his distance from Inuyasha, who smells strongly of garbage. Sesshoumaru stifles a snigger, as Kagome raises an eyebrow.
Big Buttocks clears his throat. “For today’s challenge-“
“But it’s Christmas Eve!” a mutinous Shippou squeals, pointedly staring at Inuyasha. “We can’t have a challenge on Christmas Eve!” The rest of the cast nod in agreement.
There is an awkward silence, and Big Buttocks can be heard muttering under his breath before he continues, “Today’s challenge requires you to prepare one item for tonight’s Christmas Eve Concert.”
There are some muffled “oohs” and “aahs” from the cast.
Big Buttocks resumes, “You can prepare the items by yourself, or with a maximum of ONE other person, and they will be performed before dinner. As added incentive, the winner or winners will receive a surprise. That’s all. Big Buttocks out.”
2:40pm
After much ado, the cast have finally managed to sort out the pairing arrangements for their items, and now go off into separate corners of the house to start rehearsing. Kagome has turned down Kouga’s offer of partnership, saying she needs to finish off her Christmas presents, whilst Miroku looks downtrodden as Sango has refused him (once again). Inuyasha is nowhere to be seen, (“thank god,” remarks a snide Sesshoumaru). A repaired Camera 28h detects movement near the garbage bins.
3:30pm
The rare peace and quiet of the house is broken by a howl from closet A3. It appears that Kouga has not only fallen asleep in the closet and woken up to bang his head on Sesshoumaru’s secret spare pair of thigh-high steel boots; he has also had a rather disturbing nightmare. Camera 15d is knocked aside as the wolf runs bursts out of the closet and runs away at his usual high speed, babbling irrationally about naked, evil sushi and Hugo Weaving.
4:00pm
Big Buttocks announces that he will not read out the evictee today, as it would be heartless before Christmas – instead there is to be a confession cam.
Shippou- “Inuyasha…he’s pretending not to be Santa Claus, but I know he really is! That bastard…I’m going to vote him off next time...and I will prove that he’s Santa!”
Kagome- “Christmas really can be a hassle- but I’ve made my presents for everyone!” holds up a motley collection of handmade pillows “See! Even a red one for Inuyasha!” Studies the pillow “I hope he likes pigeons…”
Naraku- “Look what I’ve got my diddumths!” Holds up a collection of extremely expensive perfume and makeup wrapped in curls that spell ‘Sesshoumaru’. “Loreal…Calvin Klein…Shiseido…Clarins…Hugo Boss…Sister Margaret’s…” Winks “I know her personally!”
Sango- “I don’t know what to say. I’ve made my presents. I’ve got my bra. I’ve cleaned the house. What else is there?” looks at the camera. “Oh yeah, Miroku’s a jerk but I think you all knew that.” Silence. “What?”
Inuyasha- “Uhhhh…” Inuyasha is fiddling with something hidden by the folds of his cloak. “Nrrrrrr….urr…no! Argh, shit!” Sound of something tinkling. “Nrrrrr…..”
Still no breakthroughs have been made concerning Inuyasha’s knowledge of reality television. Everyone has given up trying to explain to him the concept of Big Buttocks, and he is left to ponder why anyone hasn’t gotten rid of the ‘snakes’ (power cords) lying around the place.
Kouga- Breathless “I’ve been having weird dreams…like, I had this one today where I was naked…and they were there, watching me…” Pauses to think and looks around. “Do you think it means something?” Starts to twitch involuntarily “Hugo Weaving just doesn’t look good in leather…”
Miroku- “Big Buttocks…thank you so much for Christmas! We’re all looking forward to it a great deal, this time to be together, share the spirit…” Realises he is sucking up a tad too much. “Tree’s a bit short though. And I wish Shippou would get it out of his head that Inuyasha is Santa Claus. I don’t even think he’s made a present for Kagome. Insensitive jerk…”
Kikyou- “Here…this is my latest poetic offering. I find poetry a way to cleanse the mind and soul …
I look into the mirror
And I see my pretty head
But my sexy eyes mean nothing
Because I’m bloody DEAD!”
Sesshoumaru- Sesshoumaru is absent from confession cam- camera 7a shows him still at work, this time peeling the price tags from various items of makeup, and then putting different ones with higher prices on. He will be punished.
5:00pm
The excitement in the house is building up as Christmas Eve approaches and final adjustments to items are made. For the third time today, Big Buttocks calls the cast into the living room to administer further instructions. There is much animated chatter and nervous giggling (primarily coming from Sesshoumaru and Naraku’s corner of the room). Again, Inuyasha is nowhere to be seen.
5:10pm
Big Buttocks starts telling appalling Christmas jokes to fill in time whilst they wait for Inuyasha. Just as he gets to the punch line – “and the penguin said-“, Inuyasha enters the room, sparing the rest of the cast the all-too-familiar agony of a lame joke. Even Kagome cannot help but involuntarily shudder, as the hanyou’s previously acquired garbage odor has all but weakened. However, Kikyou’s face remains as impassive as possible, perhaps due to the fact she is dead. Shippou cannot help but glare. Big Buttocks gives a resigned sigh, and launches into the night’s instructions.
“Before we get started, everyone is to place their presents under the tree.”
All the cast with the exception of Inuyasha scurry off to fetch their presents. Inuyasha shifts uncomfortably as many glowering faces look at him as they return. The cast place their presents under the tree, casually checking out the size of ones addressed to them. “Where are your presents?” Shippou asks Inuyasha. Inuyasha grunts. “You’re mean! Mean and nasty! Santa Claus shouldn’t be mean!” Shippou cries, on the verge of having a fit. “How many times do I have to tell you…” Inuyasha begins, but Kagome silences him with a ‘shush’ and tells Shippou not to worry: bad boys don’t get presents. Big Buttocks waits until they have settled down, before continuing.
“Now, to begin the performances, I invite Kagome and Sango to perform their act!”
Kagome and Sango burst into giggles as they run up on to the makeshift ‘stage’ (an upturned table) Big Buttocks has set up. They take their positions and launch into a barely audible version of “girls just want to have fun” by Madonna. It would appear that the song is out of their singing range, and the act slowly degenerates into a dance routine which is abysmal seeing as neither of the girls can dance.
5.20 pm
Kouga is next, with “untitled”, a stand up comedy routine.
(Editors note: It was during this act that the largest slump in ratings was ever recorded for Big Buttocks. It would appear that during this hour long act the viewers slowly tuned out one by one to do better things including homework and shufflepuck. On the other hand, the highest rating recorded was in part due to an error in advertising. The ad was as follows: “The next raunchy, sexy episode of this program promises lots of hot live action!” It would appear that the audio caption for Big Buttocks was confused with a program about bikini models in Mississippi. The bikini models were very offended when they were advertised as “The biggest bunch of whacked-out, mixed-up, sagging youkai/humans you’ll ever see on television!)
6.20 pm
As Kouga finishes his last joke (“Dad, can you see any change in me?” “No, why son?” “Because I just swallowed twenty cents!!”), the cast wake up from their bad-joke-induced stupor and Shippou is invited to the stage. Here, the kitsune plugs in a boom box and dances to “Zorba’s dance”. There is really only one dance step suitable to accompany this techno masterpiece, and for three minutes Shippou walks round in a circle, doing strange movements with his arms and lips. When he finishes, Sesshoumaru and Naraku burst into wild applause: Zorba’s dance appears to have gained their approval, and they begin their own version of Zorba’s dance with each other, complete with arm and lip movements that makes everybody look away because it doesn’t seem appropriate to watch.
6.30 pm
Big Buttocks then invites Miroku to the stage, where he faces backwards, wearing a black trench coat and a gold chain. As the song begins, he whips off his hat and faces a certain person in the audience, not-quite-whispering “I-can-be-your hero…”
For the remainder of his act, he performs a complete imitation of Enrique Iglesias in his video clip for “Hero”, an incredibly soppy pop song that utterly disgusts Sango. Even Sesshoumaru and Naraku wear identical expressions of quiet revulsion. When Miroku reaches the final chorus (“Aaaaaaiiicckcan beee your hero bah-bee…”) he sits on the floor and pretends to die as he stretches out his arm towards a youkai exterminator who wishes she was anywhere but here. The cast let Miroku ‘die’ for the next few minutes, until Big Buttocks demands that he stop and let someone else have a go.
6.40 pm
Sesshoumaru and Naraku leap up and take their positions on the stage, as far away from each other as possible. Knowing that if they look at each other they will burst into extreme fits of giggles, they start to walk towards each other with their eyes cast downwards. The act in question is entitled “Something Stupid,” and Kagome thinks that their rendition of the old song (more recently sung by Robbie and Nicole) is the most ridiculous thing she has ever seen. As soon as the two get within a 10 cm radius of each other, they glance at each other’s faces, let out shrieks of laughter and then run as far away from each other as the stage allows. They then repeat this process, all the time singing “something stupid like I loooove you…” as they approach each other and then run away. Each time, however, they get closer and closer, and Big Buttocks feels compelled to end the act before Sesshoumaru and Naraku do something deemed too inappropriate for prime time television.
6.50 pm
Kikyou attempts to con Inuyasha into performing “Come what may”, the romantic ballad from Moulin Rouge. Inuyasha doesn’t know the words. Kikyou doesn’t appear to either, for that matter, and makes up her own garbled lyrics, overusing three words in particular: “Death, Hades and Sweet-sugar-mango”. After they are stopped part-way through, Kikyou demands angrily to be given another go.
Quick as a flash (using some unknown dead-power) she changes into a magician’s outfit; Inuyasha finds himself in a bunny suit. Drums roll and lights flash.
“Weeelcome to zee Amazing Magick show!” She yells in a shocking German accent, levitating off the floor for effect. “I am zee countess Kikyou of zee Underworld!!! I would now aaask for a voolenteer..”
No-one seems willing.
“Aaah, yess, Miss Higurashiiii…” She grabs Kagome by the wrist and yanks her onto the stage. Kagome looks rather anxious and Inuyasha tenses (as much as you can see beyond the fluffy pink fur).
“My first trick! Zee amazing sawn-in-half woman!! Pleeese lie down in zis box.”
A person-length box complete with saw materializes in front of Kagome, who reluctantly lies down in it, prompted by the enthusiastic nods of Sesshoumaru and Naraku in the audience. Her head and feet stick out the ends.
Kikyou closes the lid, and begins to saw down the middle. ‘Aaah, yeees, now when I saw compleeetely throu zis box, Kagome will beee completely intact…”
Inuyasha is looking rather jumpy now, and sort of bobs around the stage. Kagome breaks out into a cold sweat as the saw teeth inch closer and closer to her body.
“Umm, guys…this saw is getting awfully close…”
“Nooot to worry!” Kikyou bellows and continues to saw.
“Say, houshi-sama, do you think this is just a trick?”
“I’m not sure Sango, do you think I should go up and rescue her? I can be her hero too…”
Sango whacks him and initiates no further action, believing naively that Big Buttocks would not allow murder to take place in the house…
6.52 pm
Kagome senses Inuyasha’s presence behind the box.
“Pssst!” She whispers. “I think Kikyou’s for real! She’s going to saw me in half!”
“What can I do?” Inuyasha hisses back.
“Stop her!” Kagome whispers hysterically.
“Um…um…” Inuyasha thinks hard (rather a strain).
“Kikyou!” He bellows.
“Mmm?” Kikyou looks up. “Do not interrupt ze maaaster.”
“Um…well, I just thought…before we finished this trick we should…finish our song! Yeah!”
Kikyou immediately abandons the saw (and the accent). “Really?”
“Yeah!” Inuyasha smiles (a bit of a strain here too…)
All thoughts of Kagome and murder are forgotten as Kikyou launches once more into “Come what may”.
It would appear that Inuyasha’s singing voice sounds nothing like his normal one, and Miroku launches a complaint, claiming that he was just miming to a backing track. Kikyou looks on top of the world, and Kagome removes herself from the box, shaking a little and vowing never to get sucked into such an obvious ploy ever again.
Inuyasha looks at her and breathes a sigh of relief; then he realises he’s wearing a pink bunny suit and runs out of the room.
7:00pm
Big Buttocks announces that he will read out the winner tomorrow morning, and that he is pleased with the cast’s efforts – except for one thing. “One particularly nasty smelling hanyou has not met the days requirements. In other words, he’s sat on a tree all day and done smeg-all to help!!” he remarks in a surprisingly threatening voice. Inuyasha, who has been quietly brooding in a dark corner after the ‘bunny’ incident, cannot quite smother a yelp. After a stunning performance, Sesshoumaru feels entitled to a triumphant smirk.
“Because it’s Christmas Eve,” Big Buttocks says with some lenience, “I will allow you to decide his fate. Make it quick though, I believe the dinner Naraku has made is getting cold, and I’ve arranged to stay at the voice from the Teletubbies’ place tonight.” There is some guffawing amongst the cast as this last piece of information is imparted.
Inuyasha waits apprehensively in his corner as the rest of the cast argue in hushed tones about his second punishment of the day. After failing to catch Inuyasha performing his Santa duties, Shippou is quite insistent upon his “brilliant” idea. Finally, it seems that the rest of the cast concede.
“Inuyasha,” Shippou announces with an authority surprisingly large for his short height – it seems that although his voice has broken, his growth spurt is yet to kick in – “for your punishment, we have decided you will be made to climb up the chimney.”
“WHAT?!?”
7:15pm
Constant cajoling and wheedling has not persuaded Inuyasha to budge from his corner. It seems that the only way to make him fulfil his punishment is by force. After refusing to join in with the Christmas spirit all day, this makes him even more at odds with the rest of the cast. Finally Naraku, who is concerned about his cooking getting cold (and forming another crust), transforms into a seesaw and propels Inuyasha up through the chimney and onto the roof. As soot and a few loose bricks fall down into the fireplace, much swearing can be heard from the roof. Job done, a satisfied cast head down to dinner.
8:00pm
All the cast, except for Inuyasha, who has missed a meal for the second time this day, are full and content after a satisfying meal of yellow guacamole and jalapeno shortbreads. Inuyasha has found his way off the roof, and enters the room.
There is a stunned silence from everyone in the room, except for Kagome who lets out a gasp.
Staring at his black hair, she cries “Inuyasha… you’re HUMAN!”
“But it can’t be,” cries Shippou, “it was his time of the month not that long ago!”
“And Kikyo’s too,” adds Kagome, with a sideways glance at the dead priestess.
8:10pm
There is still an air of confusion in the room, adding to the smell given off by a sulking Inuyasha.
“FEH!” is his only reply, when asked about the situation. Sesshoumaru appears so concerned about his brother that he constantly suggests calling Big Buttocks; however Shippou is skeptical, with Miroku commenting, “he just wants to use his confiscated phone”.
8:20pm
No-one is able to explain this unexpected transformation, and with the cast no longer able to tolerate Inuyasha’s pungent garbage odor the issue of bathing comes up.
“When’s the last time you had a bath anyway?” asks a curious Sango.
“Bath…?” is his reply. This draws more disbelieving gasps from around the room.
“WHAT?!” demands an increasingly impatient Inuyasha, uncomfortable at being the center of attention.
Everyone looks a little paler.
“No wonder his hair always looks so greasy,” sniffs Sesshoumaru. Naraku giggles, and Inuyasha ignores this comment. The cast decides that Inuyasha must take a bath.
8:30pm
After the chimney incident, Inuyasha doesn’t take too much persuading before he concedes to a bath.
“I thought dogs loved water,” comments Miroku. Sesshoumaru blinks. However, despite things proceeding comparatively peacefully, Kagome is concerned.
“Do you think it’s safe for him to be in there?” she asks.
“Of course it is,” replies Sango, “after all, how much trouble can he get into?” Kouga snorts.
At that moment, a giant crash and howls of pain are heard from the bathroom.
8:35pm
An extremely disgruntled Inuyasha emerges from the bathroom, leaving a trail of puddles behind him. Once again, the cast stare wide-eyed as he enters the room for a second time.
“What is it this time?” he asks flatly.
Kagome is overjoyed, “you- you’re back to normal,” she squeals and uses this occasion to have another play with his ears on the pretext of “examining” him. Others however, are not so quick to forget about the incident, and Shippou toddles off to investigate.
8:40pm
“LOOK AT THIS!” exclaims an excited Shippou.
He points to puddles of black sooty water on the bathroom floor.
8:45pm
Voices are raised as the cast argue about who’s responsibility it was to clean the chimney. Sango, ever diligent, goes off to check the roster. After some time she returns, and nonchalantly answers their question: “It was Kikyou”. Inuyasha breathes out a sigh of relief, glad to leave the spotlight on someone else for the first time today.
8:50pm
Ever the pacifist, Kagome suggests leaving milk and biscuits out for Santa, in an attempt to distract the cast. Tired after the day’s dramas, everyone is only too glad to stop the dispute.
“What about the reindeer?” asks Shippou, “Shouldn’t we leave something for the reindeer too?”
All eyes are focused on Naraku, commander of the kitchen.
“Hmm,” he considers, “I believe we may have some carrots somewhere… I could grate them and mix it with the cheese from last Friday…”
9:00pm
A quick search through the fridge reveals not only carrots, but also a six-pack of beer. Shippou, ever enthusiastic, suggests leaving that for Santa as well.
“Gosh,” says Kagome, “I really don’t know, it’s not good to drink and drive, is it?”
The cast opt to watch “The Muppet Christmas Carol” before going to bed early. Shippou is entranced by the Muppets, unlike Sesshoumaru and Naraku, who show little interest in the movie – instead preferring to thread leftover tinsel through each other’s hair, commenting on how angelic they both look. The show finishes, and the cast trundle off to bed, eagerly awaiting the surprises the next day will bring.
11.00 pm
Camera 4a shows movement in the lounge room- however, it’s too dark to see.
11.02 pm
The security lights are turned on. Because Big Buttocks is a show of considerably low budget, these are actually night-lights in the shape of Zucchinis in Bikinis. Because Kouga kept trying to eat the previous ones (Bananas in Pyjamas) the lights were remodeled in the form of a less appealing vegetable. Unfortunately, the zucchini’s bikinis seem to be disappearing one by one…
11.05 pm
The sound of quiet footsteps is heard as a dark figure approaches the Christmas tree. The figure proceeds to crouch, and draws something out from underneath the folds of his/her clothes. Rustling is heard.
“HAAAAA!!!! GOTCHA!!!”
11.06 pm
Shippou appears to have laid a rather nasty trap, and Inuyasha is struggling to get out of a net. He clutches a crudely wrapped present in his hand.
“Let me go, you little sh**!”
“Santa Claus was stealing the presents!” Shippou shrieks, dancing around Inuyasha in a circle. “Santa Claus is evil! Thief! Thief! Stealing! Santa Claus is steeeealing!”
Kagome, Miroku and Sango come out of the bedroom, bleary-eyed and wearing nightgowns.
“What’s up?” Kagome says, and then starts as she sees Inuyasha glaring at her from underneath a net (which appears to have been fashioned from a variety of different colored laces).
“What were you doing?” Miroku asks wearily, “It’s too late at night for this…”
Inuyasha just growls. Miroku notices the present in his hand. Inuyasha looks at Miroku. Miroku gets what’s going on.
Sango is rubbing her eyes. “Whaaarts going ooarn?” She grumbles in sleep-talk.
“It’s a thief! Santa Claus is st-”
Miroku stomps on Shippou, and gently leads the two women out of the room, proclaiming in a confident male voice that he will take care of the situation and that the two lovelies in this house need their beauty sleep.
“Thaths exactly what me and my corthet think,” Says an angry Sesshoumaru, who has materialized in the doorway, holding a blue corset that appears to have lost all its laces.
11.08 pm
Shippou has been persuaded to give Sesshoumaru back his laces, and the two girls have been persuaded to go back to bed.
“So, now they’re gone, who’s the present for?” Miroku blurts out.
“Feh!” Snorts Inuyasha. “I don’t give a stuff anymore…”
“I still don’t believe you!” Shippou cries from under Inuyasha’s foot, “You were stealing! Steeealing!”
Miroku picks up Shippou, takes him outside, and shuts the door ready for a ‘male’ talk.
“You insensitive brat! Can’t you pick up the signals?”
“What signals?” Shippou asks.
“Inuyasha wasn’t stealing presents, he was giving them!”
Shippou blinks for a while, comprehending the statement.
“You’re lying!” He concludes.
Miroku shakes his head in disbelief. “Don’t you know he has feelings?”
“Whooooa!”
“It’s at times like this you need to leave him alone and not bug him, otherwise it will never happen!”
“What will never happen?” Shippou asks.
Miroku gives Shippou a look.
“He’ll-never-admit-he’s-in-love-with her, you fool!” Miroku says through clenched teeth.
Shippou looks taken aback.
“What’s that got to do with a present?”
“Think this.” Miroku says kindly.
“He gives her present, she is happy. He admits his love for her, she is happy. They have a candlelight dinner, she is happy. They spend the night together, she is happy. Result – nine months later, one jolly bouncing baby, she is…”
Miroku stops there as he notices Shippou’s horror-struck face. The porch door bangs open at that time and Inuyasha storms through muttering something about Miroku, oranges and a large bucket of ice.
“What the hell have you been telling him?” Inuyasha demands.
Miroku chooses to avoid this question and yawns pointedly.
“Well, I think I’ll head in for the night. Wouldn’t want to keep the lovely lady waiting!” he winks, and walks off, completely oblivious to Inuyasha’s glares.
“Will you get lost already?” Inuyasha grumbles impatiently to Shippou.
Shippo is completely still. He appears to have gone rigid. Inuyasha grabs Shippou and throws him through the bedroom window (“Ouieee! Mon dieu!” cries Sesshomaru). He proceeds to go inside, but is distracted by a sparkling in the sky. Finally, he figures out that the sparkles are just stars, and just as he is going inside, a huge clump of white mass falls out of the sky.
“AERRRRRRGHHHH!!@*$&#^@#!!!!!!”
It appears that Inuyasha was too slow to duck and was hit in the face by ‘Freeza’s Floppy Floaty Fantastic Fake snow’, provided by the BB special events team. Cursing anything in sight, Inuyasha finally extracts himself from underneath it, and drags himself inside.
Looking self-consciously around him, Inuyasha grabs his shoddily wrapped parcel and places it gently underneath the Christmas tree.
Finally giving in to fatigue, Inuyasha collapses on the couch and falls asleep as the snow plummets down outside.

[RussianFox]

Wednesday
6.00 am

Camera 16B shows Naraku preparing a special Christmas breakfast. The Big Buttocks caterers have provided Naraku with such delicacies as croissants, caviar, brie and camembert cheese, green seaweed, exotic mocha coffee, sun dried tomatoes and a variety of special French pastries. While one would usually serve these foods on their own, Naraku has opted to make his own special recipe of "cheese, red caviar, seaweed and coffee filled croissants.

"Look!" He says to the camera, "Christmas colors!"



6.05 am

Naraku has found the first present of the day, hidden inside the oven with a card that says "Dear Naraku- Merry Christmas!" It is a copy of "Cooking Wonders by Jamie Oliver, the Naked Chef". An inner glow shines in Naraku's eyes that only Sesshoumaru has had privilege to see before, and Naraku starts to flick through the book.



6.45 am

It would appear that Naraku has taken inspiration from Jamie Oliver, the Naked Chef.



10.00 am

The cast are woken by the sounds of a rooster, the second present of the day. It has a card attached to it, and appears to be another gift- "Dear Naraku, this is for lunch." The strains of "You can leave your hat on" by Joe Cocker can be heard coming from the kitchen.



10.10 am

The cast have woken up to a lovely surprise- everybody has found a gift placed neatly by their bedside tables. Upon opening, the gifts appear to be little tokens such as a hair clip (Kagome), a razor (Miroku) and a pack of fake nails (Sesshoumaru). However, these gifts put everyone in high spirits and they walk out to the dining table.



10.13 am

Having fallen asleep on the couch, Inuyasha is surprised to find that he has rolled all the way to the confession cam room in his sleep. Here he finds the third present of day, a small bottle of "Stop it Nail Garnish! Effective liquid nail biting treatment that stops even the most hard core of nail biters!" Inuyasha reads as much of the small print as he can, decides that nail biting treatment would be good for him, screws off the cap and downs the contents.



10.14 am

"HAAAACKGKGKAHAAGAKGAKGACKTCKAAHCAKACHAKCHAKGKGAKCK! AHAHCKHACK! GAAAAAAH!"



(Note: "Stop it nail garnish" is a special product designed by the BB medical team. The idea is that one paints this vile tasting liquid onto ones nails, so that whenever the fingers are placed in the mouth the rotten taste will prevent one from biting. However, just how well Inuyasha can read is a constant question that troubles the BB product placement team. Thus, any incoming products now must have visual instructions as well as text.)



10.20 am

The rest of the cast have persuaded Naraku to put some clothes on.

"But I want to be just like the Naked Cheeeeef!" He wails.

"But the naked chef wears clothes," Miroku says. He is shielding Sango's eyes with one hand, believing he is protecting her from a 'despicable sight that would surely scar anyone for life'. Kagome launches a scathing tirade towards Big Buttocks, stating that he should have known that the impressionable Naraku would have taken the gift to heart. Shippou calls Big Buttocks incompetent and Big Buttocks bursts into tears. Naraku bursts into tears as well, and runs back into the kitchen where he finds the fourth present: "Cooking Adventures by the Two Fat Ladies".



10.30 am

Naraku is back in high spirits once more, and having taken inspiration from the Two Fat Ladies, is now sporting a set of beautifully garnished red nails. He serves breakfast, and the cast sit down to eat, serenaded with Christmas Carols by a short-haired flute player wearing a bandanna.

"This is lovely," Kagome comments, and Sango is about to nod her head in agreement when Inuyasha enters the room, looking as though he has just discovered his father is indeed Elton John and that he in turn was descended of a gherkin.

"Inuyasha! Are you ok?" Kagome exclaims. "Never been better," Inuyasha mumbles as he collapses onto the floor, clutching an empty bottle of "Stop it!" nail garnish.



10.40 am

A makeshift bed has been set up on the couch, and a sickly Inuyasha lies down with a wet towel over his forehead, re-soaked and applied every few minutes by Kagome. Interestingly, Naraku shows a distinct reluctance to assist, even to supply warm lemon and honey drinks for the sake of Inuyasha's health. He claims the 'nasty germies' will get him, and sits on the far side of the room with Sesshoumaru. Inuyasha's makeshift bed has been set up on the couch so that he can participate in the most important Christmas day activity- gift giving. Naraku suggests that everyone sits in a circle and that they go around clockwise, giving gifts. The cast roughly assemble themselves in a hexagon next to Inuyasha's 'bed' and the gift giving commences. Kikyou is first and she reaches under the tree to produce a huge parcel. Everyone looks expectantly towards Inuyasha, wondering how he will accept the gift, but Kikyou pushes the parcel towards Kagome. The cast gasp in awe, and Inuyasha looks genuinely shocked. Kikyou then reaches under the tree and removes a small parcel, which she passes to Inuyasha. Kagome and Inuyasha look at each other in a confused manner and they both begin to unwrap their presents. Inuyasha unwraps his first, but no one else gets a glimpse as he shoves the object in his pocket before anyone else can see what it is. Kagome finally removes the wrapping on her present, and gives a short gasp at the box below.

"Kikyou…you shouldn't have!" she gasps. "A Play Station 2!!! Where did you get it?"

Kikyou gives a little smile. "Somewhere."

"A PS2!!!" Shippo cries. "Oh! Lemme see!!!" Shippo runs across the hexagon and seizes the box, eagerly extracting the PS2. Suddenly the box explodes and Shippo goes flying, landing in Sesshomaru’s 'Christmas Illuminated Boa With All Little Bells And Dingles' (CIBWALBAD for short). Shippo bursts into tears as Sesshomaru attempts to extract the little kitsune. Kikyou's smile fades and she gives Kagome an impressive greasy. BB launches into a lecture about Christmas Spirit, execution and eternal punishment. Sesshomaru finally extracts Shippo, who immediately seeks refuge behind Miroku.

"Shall we continue?" Naraku beams. "Christmas is sooo much fun!"
Naraku and Sesshoumaru are next, and start giggling at each other. They then hand each other almost identical notes inscribed with 'I've hidden your present in a special place!' Both of them shriek with excitement, and run towards the bathroom cosmetics cupboard.



10.45 am

Shrieks of laughter and squeals of exhilaration emanate from the bathroom. Evidently Sesshoumaru and Naraku have given each other identical presents of various cosmetic items. Naraku looks at the price tag on a Loreal Luscious Lips lipstick.

"10,000 dollars!" He squeals. "How did you afford it!" Miroku suggests they open the rest of the presents. He saunters over to Sango and offers her a present whipped out from behind his back. Sango looks embarrassed, and opens it quickly to reveal a framed photo of the two of them with George. Sango bursts into tears.

"How did you kno-o-w?" She wails.

"Well," Miroku replies, "I bought the frame before we came into the house. I couldn't decide on a photo of me, but I thought this one was particularly dashing. Look, you can see my teeth. I've got cute dimples."

Sango decides to let that one slip, and is so engrossed in the photo that she doesn't notice Kagome and Inuyasha sitting to one side.



10.55 am

"Here." Inuyasha thrusts a crudely wrapped present in Kagome's general direction. "It's not much, so you can chuck it if you don't want it."

Kagome chooses to ignore this last sentence and thanks Inuyasha extensively. She diligently unwraps the present to reveal a handcrafted elephant made of Naraku's elephants foot jelly (which has now gone rock hard, rather smooth and free of all mould traces). Inuyasha feels rather hot, and Kagome stares at it for a long time before smiling and saying

"It's so much better than the original."

"R…really? That mould was a real bugger to get off…" Kagome again chooses to ignore this last remark, and offers Inuyasha her present of a red cushion, "Because it must get really uncomfortable up in that tree at night". Inuyasha stares at his present for a long time before saying,

"Kagome, I…I… that bastard Kouga! What does he think he's doing?!"



11.00 am

Rather drunk on Christmas brandy, Kouga has attempted to climb to the top of the Christmas tree, bellowing "I'm an angel! Therefore I should be on the top of the tree! I'm an aaaangel!" Shippou hops around the bottom of the tree in agitation, while Kikyou muses over the exploded PS2, trying to work out what went wrong.

"Who gave him brandy?" Big Buttocks bellows. "Own up!"

"What's he talking about?" Sesshoumaru states, entering the room with a gushing Naraku at his side, covered in blush, mascara and avocado-quince face moisturizer.

"Yes," Naraku giggles, (who, for some unexplained reason, is clutching a toilet brush) "My Fluffy is the most angelic one around here!" Sesshoumaru and Naraku proceed to yank Kouga off the tree by his ponytail, and levitate to sit at the top of the tree, side by side.



12.00 pm It takes little under an hour to complete the present giving, the most notable presents being from Kagome to Miroku ("How to pick up girls" by Kozo Fuyutsuki) and from Sesshoumaru to Inuyasha (Sesshoumaru's favorite toenail clipping to 'keep a little family spirit alive').



12.03 am

Naraku begins to cook Christmas lunch. "Does anyone know where Shippou is?" Kagome asks. Nobody has seen him. Kouga decides that it would be a good idea to try and run backwards on the treadmill.



12.06 am

"Hey!" Sango cries. "Since when was there a mistletoe here?"

Immediately Miroku is at her side. "Where? Where?"

"I've taken it down already. We should put it somewhere more…appropriate." Sango smiles a funny little smile. Miroku takes a while to catch on, but when he does, he accompanies Sango to the bedroom door where they hang the mistletoe. The two then run away sniggering, waiting for the evening when everybody will have to pass underneath it…



1.00 pm

"I forgot!" Big Buttocks announces. "I have to announce the evictee from last night!" Suddenly the tension levels leap like dogs do when they sit on blooming cacti.

"Who is it?" Kagome asks.

"The evictee…for this week…is…Shippou!"

The cast look around for a while, and realize Shippou is nowhere to be seen.

"Come to think of it," Kagome says, "I haven't seen him for quite a while…"

"Feh!" Inuyasha grunts, "I wouldn't be surprised if he was already outta here."

Kouga bursts into tears. "Our little bubbus is gone!"

"I didn't know you cared," Kikyou remarks.

"He's drunk," Miroku says. "Can't you tell? Haven't you ever been drunk?"

"Well…yeeees…" Kikyou says, and Inuyasha turns bright red.

"I don't want to know," Kagome says. The story is not pursued, however, as Naraku comes in with Christmas lunch, and a team of security guards troop into the lounge room to seek out Shippou and force him to evict the Big Buttocks house.



2.30 pm

The security guards tramp around the house, banging open cupboards and sliding open draws in the hunt for Shippou. The rest of the cast eat Christmas lunch, except for Kikyou. Naraku demands to know why she isn't here.

"She's in the bedroom, I think," Sango says. Naraku jumps up from his chair and stomps to the bedroom, and bumps into Kikyou in the doorway.

"Mistletoe!" Sango and Miroku shriek excitedly, and the two start a slow clap as Naraku and Kikyou realize their fate.

"I'm sorry, my dearesth! This is only in Christmas spirit!" Naraku cries to Sesshoumaru, and leans forward with his lips pursed. Kikyou leans forward too, to kick Naraku in the shins. "OwoowooooOOOow!" He cries, "What was that for?!"

Kikyou looks bemused. "I thought you kicked people when you were caught under the mistletoe."

"No, you idiot, you KISS people when you're under the mistletoe! Didn't you learn anything at school?" Miroku cries.

"No, considering I went to an all-girls convent in the middle of Kyushu," Kikyou states.

"That explains everything," Sesshoumaru mutters and Kagome is secretly glad her classes are co-ed.

"So what was Inuyasha doing at an all-girls convent?" Sango asks.

"We didn't meet there," Inuyasha grumbles.

"Where did you meet?" Miroku asks.

"At a party." Kikyou says.

"There were a lot of people, a lot of sake…it made sense at the time…" Inuyasha mutters, and looks as though he has a headache.

"Whose party was it?" Sango asks.

"My friend's," Says Kikyou.

"Kikyou has friends?" Sesshoumaru mutters, amazed.

"So why was Inuyasha invited?" Naraku asks incredulously.

"He wasn't. He gatecrashed it." "

Trust," Sesshoumaru mutters, and Inuyasha kicks him in the shins.

"I was looking for a toilet, alright?" He yells.

"How romantic," says Sango.



6.00 pm

Four hours have passed and Shippou is still not to be found. The security guards sit on the floor, mopping their brows and cursing the fact that even their specially designed youkai detector couldn't even detect Shippou. Naraku has spent the four hours panicking, and pleading with Big Buttocks to give him some more food. It would seem that he has used all the food to cook Christmas lunch and dinner with and there is none left. Big Buttocks refuses, and Naraku genuinely contemplates cooking one of the cast. Naraku doesn't have any friends for the next hour.



7.00 pm

Big Buttocks calls all members outside, where it is dark and the night sky is remarkably clear. All cast members are made to hold candles and to sing carols. They are told there is a reward to be given if they sing well, and the cast make a good effort, believing dinner will be on the way shortly. Aside from the fact that Naraku and Sesshoumaru choose to sing the "Jingle bells, Batman smells" version of the old classic, the carol singing goes well. Even Inuyasha joins in for a song, his voice making a surprisingly good baritone. On completion, the cast are told to sit back and relax. The cast giggle and chatter in anticipation; rather, Sesshoumaru and Naraku begin a rather engrossing conversation on the lifestyle, habits and reproductive systems of hair lice.



8.30 pm

The cast have been sitting back and relaxing for an hour and a half now. Big Buttocks has told them in a nervous voice that technical difficulties are occurring, and everybody has given up any hope of dinner.

"Why did you have to cook all the food? Why? Why?" Kikyou hisses. "I'm hungry and premenstrual and I want chocolate, you fractious pile of radioactive maggot guts!"

Naraku bites on his lip.

"Hey, nobody said he had to cook our dinner," Kouga says. Realization dawns.

"Hey, he's right for once!" Miroku says. "As soon as Kaede was evicted, he took over the kitchen!"

"Nobody stopped me!" Naraku says in a shrill voice.

"What if I wanted to cook?" Sango states.

"You don't understand the effort I make for you ungrateful people!" Naraku cries. "I wake up at five every morning to feed you! And what do I get for it? Just what?!"

"Sshh," Sesshoumaru croons, "Don't let them get to you. They're more scared of you than you are of them."

Naraku starts to sulk, and Big Buttocks interrupts. "Problem solved! Presenting…Merry Christmas Fireworks!"



9.00 pm

For the past hour, the cast have been watching Big Buttocks' special Christmas gift- a fireworks display co-ordinated to songs by the likes of Robbie Williams, Kylie Minogue and Hampton the Hamster. Sango has shuffled to sit near Miroku for warmth, and Miroku looks as happy as a door-to-door Britannica salesman. The fireworks end with a great climax that actually causes one of the garden gnomes to explode. A still-drunk Kouga spends his night outside with the shattered remains, sobbing over the fact that "Another bubbus has left us!"



10.00 pm

Everybody decides to go to bed early- everybody feels rather ill after going without dinner (or was it the rooster at lunch?). Everybody is also supplied with extra blankets- Big Buttocks has set the temperature controls to simulate 'winter' to enhance the Christmas feel. Everybody is tucked in and settled, except for three notable members of the house.



10.05 pm

Kagome can't get to sleep, partially because of the cold, and partially because two members of the house aren't tucked up in their beds- Inuyasha and Shippou. She pulls on her slippers and goes out to look for them- and bumps into Inuyasha in the bedroom doorway, underneath the mistletoe…



10.07 pm

"Oh!"

"Um…"

"Sorry! I...er..."

"No, I…aa…"

"Crikey…" Kagome is about leave the tense situation by walking around Inuyasha to the lounge room, when a strange noise emanates from somewhere above them- "WeeiiiiiiiiiIIIIiiiiieee!" Kagome grabs instinctively to the front of Inuyasha's kimono, whispering- "What was that! Is it a bee?"

Her heart beats fast, and after a time she becomes conscious that his is too. She suddenly realizes how close her face is to Inuyasha's, and the two of them are instinctively leaning in together when the mistletoe above them sneezes.



10.10 pm

Shippou sits on the couch, clutching a hanky with tears streaming down his face. Kagome comforts him, and Inuyasha looks peeved.

"You should have come straight to me when you were worried!" Kagome says anxiously.

"You could have turned into something else…like a tree, or a meatball or something, just not a mistletoe," Inuyasha growls.

"Yes, that was rather sneaky," Kagome says, "But Shippou, don't worry about it."

"Nobody lo-o-oves me…" Shippou wails.

"We do!" Kagome says.

"We all do! And Kaede does too, and she'll look after you till we're evicted,"

"Think of it as a blessing," Inuyasha says. "You won't have to look at Naraku,"

"As soon as I'm out I'll come and visit you," Kagome says. Shippou lifts a tear stained face. "Promise?"

"I promise," Kagome smiles, and kisses his head. "Now off you go."

Shippou pulls himself together, and heads towards the door. He pauses for a second, then comes back to whisper something in Inuyasha's ear. Inuyasha's face twists into a picture of rage, and he chases the kitsune out of the door, bellowing "NEVER! I'd never do that! Little runt!" He comes back into the lounge room, takes one look at Kagome, turns as red as a crab-apple and goes to bed, muttering "never!"
11.02 pm
Kouga has arranged all the remaining intact gnomes in a little circle, to mourn the death of their comrade. Kouga gives the last rites, and spends the rest of the night chanting to various gods and Elton John.

[RussianFox]

Thursday
9.10 am

Naraku wakes early to cook breakfast, with Sesshoumaru at his side.

“I’m making pancakes today,” Naraku smiles as he whips up some sort of green batter. “Would you get me some parsley from the garden, poppet?”

Sesshoumaru leaves the room graciously.





9.12 am

Sesshoumaru lets out a dignified howl as he sees what has happened to the garden.

About thirty pools of murky water have materialized in the garden overnight, each with a little sign.

“What are they?” Naraku exclaims breathlessly.

“Heeh heh heh!” Big Buttocks interrupts, “That’s your task for today! Look over there!”



Suspended over an especially large pool of water is Kikyou. A rope ties her hands and feet so that she can’t move. The grumpy dead priestess is shooting deadly looks around the garden- plants shrivel and die as her gaze passes over them. The pool of water below her is marked with a sign.



Sesshoumaru and Naraku walk outside with trepidation. “What are all these?” Naraku whispers, clutching on to Sesshoumaru’s single arm.

“I don’t know,” Sesshoumaru replies, and bends down to read a sign next to a small pool.

It reads, “here lies spring of drowned cucumber”.

“Why don’t you jump into one?” Kikyou yells at Naraku from across the garden. “They’re great for your complexion!”

Naraku prepares to dive, but Sesshoumaru stops him- picking up a frog from nowhere he throws it into the spring. The frog gurgles and drowns- a few seconds later a cucumber bobs up to the surface of the water.

“Heh heh heh,” Big Buttocks laughs. “Ever heard of a place in China named Jusenkyo? Big place, full of cursed springs. We imported some of them! If you fall into one, you’ll turn into whatever it says on the sign!!”

Naraku gasps. “Is there any way to turn back?”

“Only when you touch hot water,” Big Buttocks says. “You revert to normal form. But if you touch cold water…”

Naraku screams and runs into the kitchen. Sesshoumaru stands and thinks, contemplating the results of throwing Naraku into the spring of drowned free-Maybelline-for-a-year-voucher.



9.15 am

The rest of the cast have woken up; they stand in a group and stare at the garden in disbelief.

Inuyasha sees Kikyou suspended over a spring, and starts to become rather agitated.

“Kikyou!” He yells, “Are you alright?”

Not one to miss an opportunity, Kikyou responds breathlessly, “Save me, Inuyasha, I’m dyiiiing!”

“Again,” Sango mutters.

“Shit,” Inuyasha curses, wide awake, “Hang on Kikyou, I’m coming!”

“Wait!” Kagome shouts, “If you slip, you’ll land in a spring!”

“Ah well,” Miroku says, “We’ll just have to leave Kikyou hanging. That’s ok.”

“No it’s not!” Kikyou yells. “If you leave me here, I’ll look at you!”

To emphasize her point, Kikyou stares particularly hard at a nearby cactus, which bursts into violent flames.

“Okay, okay! We’re coming!” Miroku shouts back. “How the hell are we going to do this?”

Around the springs are wooden boards, which are designed for the cast to walk on. However, some of the boards are lined with grease, and there is only one safe (greaseless) path to get to Kikyou.

“That’s your task!” Big Buttocks booms. “Save Kikyou, or you get no dinner.”

“I needed to lose weight anyway,” Kouga remarks.

Kouga suddenly finds his hair on fire.



9.30 am



Inuyasha seems to be the only one who actually wants to save Kikyou. Kagome won’t let him go out on his own, however, and begs Sesshoumaru to accompany him. Sesshoumaru declines, stating that hell would freeze over before he would sacrifice his youkai-hood for the sake of a dead human filly and a brat. Kikyou comments that the common idea of hell being a place of sizzling flames is a misconception- it can actually be quite breezy in spring. Sesshoumaru still declines. Naraku bursts into tears, and pleads his white-maned friend to go or they’ll have no dinner. Sesshoumaru pointedly comments that it wouldn’t matter to him- Naraku never cooks any youkai food anyway, but concedes defeat and prepares to step out onto the boards surrounding the springs with his brother.



10.00 am

Everything is going well thus far; Sesshoumaru and Inuyasha have crossed halfway though the treacherous path. They have managed to avoid many springs, passing by the likes of “Cursed spring of drowned llama”, “Cursed spring of drowned evil fangirl” and “Cursed spring of drowned late night nude art school model”.



10.03 am

For a joke, Sesshoumaru nudges Inuyasha towards the spring of drowned cat. “Maybe you’d grow whiskers!” He sniggers. Due to years of suffering inbuilt violent reflexes, Inuyasha shoves Sesshoumaru as hard as possible away from him. Sesshoumaru loses footing, and falls backwards into a spring. Naraku screams.



10.04 am

Inuyasha looks aghast. Bubbles rise to the surface of the spring, but Sesshoumaru has not appeared.

“Where is he?” Naraku screams from the porch.

“Never mind that,” Miroku shouts with glee, “Which spring did he fall into?”

“I…I…I don’t know,” Inuyasha says, declining to share the fact that reading is not his specialty.



10.07 am

Bubbles still rise to the surface of the spring.

Sango supports an unconscious Naraku, holding a wad of chloroformed tissues to his nose, unable to tolerate the hysterical hanyou.

Finally, something bobs to the surface- a Dunlop tyre.

“He’s turned into a tyre!” Inuyasha yells.

“Hooray!” Miroku yells back.

“I’m dying!” Kikyou yells, and Sango tells her to shut up.

“I…I’m coming back,” Inuyasha says, “I don’t wanna be a tyre…”

“You’d better bring him with you,” Kagome shouts.



10.10 am

Inuyasha is now back at the porch with the rest of the cast, including one beautiful tyre. Naraku holds the tyre in his arms, sobbing.

“What have they done to you?” He cries.

“Looks like you’ve failed,” Big Buttocks booms.

“What does that mean?”

“It means we drop Kikyou into the spring!” Big Buttocks laughs with glee.

“What spring?” Asks Kagome.



10.15 am

With a shriek and a splash, Kikyou has been dropped into the cursed spring of drowned alive person, effectively bringing the dead priestess back to life. Kikyou fails to realise this for a while, but when she does, she makes an amazing discovery-

“I can feel things!!!!!”

“You mean, you can’t feel things when you’re dead?” Miroku asks.

“I can feeeel!” Kikyou yells, and trips flat on her face as she tries to float. “I can’t float! I’m not transparent anymore!!! I can touch! I can feeeeel! Hang on Inuyasha, I’m coming over!”

Kikyou totters across the garden as fast as her legs can carry her. She appears to be unused to walking, having floated her way around the place for so long. When she reaches the porch, she runs straight over to a certain canine hanyou and drapes herself around him.

“You don’t know how long I’ve waited for this…” She sighs in a state of bliss, “To touch things…namely your manly chest…”

“Er…”



Naraku sits alone clutching the tyre…“Sesshoumaru’s deflating!”



10.17 am

“We can’t have this!” Kagome states angrily.

Kikyou sits on Inuyasha’s lap fiddling with his ears. While not looking particularly happy, Inuyasha makes no moves to stop her.

“We can’t have this!” Kagome says again, “We have to revert them to their original forms! Is there any way we can remove the curse?”

“Curse?” Kikyou asks, “What curse? I’m having the time of my live life here…”

“Well,” Says Big Buttocks, “I do happen to know of a few guys who once had similar curses…and they fixed ‘em by using cursed water of drowned man. That way they stay men when they touch cold water.”

“But I’m a woman,” Kikyou says.

“It’ll fix Sesshoumaru though,” Big Buttocks says. “I’ll invite them in.”

“I’ll make you some egg nog,” Kikyou says, picking bits of fluff out of Inuyasha’s hair.

“Er…”

Kikyou skips off to the kitchen, where Naraku sits on the ground, polishing the tyre/Sesshoumaru with a dishcloth and a bottle of methylated spirits.



10.20 am

“Is this a teapot?”



10.23 am

>>BOOM!!!!<<



10.25 am

The ground is still shaking from an explosion, with the epicentre in the kitchen.

Thick smoke is billowing from out of the door, which parts as a dishevelled black figure stumbles through it.

“Kikyou! Are you all right?” Inuyasha yells.

“I’m dead again!” Kikyou wails. “I died in the explosion!”

Naraku stumbles out of the kitchen too, coughing and spluttering, and sprouting an extra arm from his forehead.

“I nearly died!” he cries, “I had to mutate to save myself! And Sesshoumaru…Sesshoumaru…”

Naraku’s voice breaks as he holds out a ragged tyre, fully deflated and covered in ash.

“Who cares about the rotten tyre?!” Kikyou bellows. “I’m dead again! Why must I suffer!?!”

“Now she can’t feel your manly chest,” Miroku says to Inuyasha quietly.

“What were you trying to do?” Kagome asks.

“She..she was trying to make him (Naraku points dramatically to Inuyasha) some egg nog! I told her that eggs don’t cook well in microwaves!”

“You didn’t tell me they exploded!” Kikyou wails.

“Hey…it’s ok…” Inuyasha says tentatively.

Kikyou’s eyes fill with tears and she runs to embrace Inuyasha only to pass right through him.





10.30 am

Naraku holds up the tyre and a kettle of boiling water. In the background shot of camera 15C workers can be seen repairing the kitchen, looking around furtively as they tinker with the appliances.

“Big Buttocks said that hot water would put Sesshoumaru back to his normal form!” Naraku cries. “As long as he doesn’t touch cold water everything will be ok!”

“But he won’t be able to go swimming in the pool, not without turning into a tyre” Sango says.

Naraku ignores this, and pours hot water onto the tyre, which quivers and mutates into the tall, elegant figure of Sesshoumaru. The tyre wasn’t wearing any clothes, however, and neither is Sesshoumaru.



10.45 am

Microphone 17B is no longer functioning. It’s hard to tell who screamed the loudest; Sesshoumaru or Kikyou. After a mad dash into the closet, however, Sesshoumaru is now fully dressed.

In the control room, Big Buttocks has come under fire from the producers- it would appear that none of the cameras managed to capture a glimpse of anything worth…seeing. Cameras 14A, 16F and 18A2 aren’t functioning, and all that the TV audience manage to see of Sesshoumaru is a thigh and a buttock.

Sesshoumaru is not speaking to Naraku.

“He could have put me in the cupboard and then done it!”

Sesshoumaru is also staying in the cupboard, too ashamed to come out and face the others.

“Don’t worry!” Naraku sobs through the door. “Some people are coming to fix you up soon!”

“They had better bloody well be!”



11.20 am

The doorbell rings. Kouga and Kagome run to get it.

Two good-looking teenagers stand in the doorway, one boy with black hair tied in a short plait, and another with hair tied with a bandanna who bears a more than striking resemblance to Kouga.

“Hey!” Says the plait-boy, “I’m Ranma Saotome. This here’s Ryoga. You wanted water from spring of drowned man?”

“Oh, thank you!” Kagome exclaims, and leads Ranma into the bedroom, where Sesshoumaru has shut himself in the closet.



11.30 am



Kouga is staring intently at Ryoga.

Ryoga’s normally surly expression has twisted into one of disbelief, and the two men stare at eachother for a good long while.

“He…he… he looks like me!” Kouga and Ryoga say at exactly the same time.

Kouga lifts up his right arm as Ryoga lifts up his left. Kouga’s jaw drops to reveal fangs- as does Ryoga’s.

“Stop copying me!” They say simultaneously, and begin to sweat equal amounts of sweat.



11.39 am

“We’ve got it!” Naraku shrieks, ripping a bottle of water out of Ranma’s hands. “Hold still my poppet, we’ll turn you back to normal!”

Naraku thrusts the bottle into the closet, and pours the contents over Sesshoumaru.



Kagome and Ranma stand to one side. “That guy freaks me out,” Ranma says quietly.

“You try living with him,” Kagome says.



Sesshoumaru leaps out of the closet. “Am I fixed?” He bellows.

Everybody gasps.



11.40 am

Sesshoumaru looks exactly the same except for one thing- his beautiful mane of silky silver hair has been replaced with an even glossier mane of black.

He catches his reflection in the mirror and gapes at it for a full ten minutes.

“He’s in shock,” Kagome says.

“What’s wrong?” Ranma asks, “I thought he was meant to look like that?”

“Nooo!” Naraku howls. “Now he’s human! How did that happen?”

“Well, you used water of drowned human man instead of drowned youkai man, I suppose…” Kagome muses.

“I’ve never seen spring of drowned youkai,” Ranma ponders, “Drowned Akane but never drowned youkai…”

“What can we doooo?” Naraku wails.

“I suppose you could make your own spring,” Ranma suggests. “All you have to do is put a youkai in a blank spring and your friend here will be back to normal.”

“He’s not my friend,” Kagome says, as Big Buttocks states that there is in fact an empty spring waiting to be made in the back garden.

“It was going to be for something else,” He says. “We were going to put both you and Kikyou in there to see what happened.”

”Inuyasha never would have allowed that,” Kagome says haughtily and the crew leave the room in search of the only full youkai remaining in the house- Kouga.



11.50 am

“There’s some sort of weird mirror here,” Kouga and Ryoga say concurrently as Kagome approaches. “I don’t know how it works, but it’s freaking me out. Can I go?”



12.00 pm

Ranma has physically picked Kouga up and dumped him into a ‘blank’ spring. “There, spring of drowned youkai,” He says. “All ready!”

Sesshoumaru is persuaded to leave the mirror and come out into the open. He is still in shock, experiencing what human life is like and from the expression on his face he is not enjoying it one bit. His black hair floats in the wind, and his eyes are no longer yellow but a piercing blue.

“Jump in there!” Naraku says.

“No…” Sesshoumaru barely whispers.

“Ah, stuff this,” Ranma curses and shoves Sesshoumaru in the back.



12.10 pm

The spring bubbles and churns. Sesshoumaru has still not surfaced. Big Buttocks is getting nervous when Sesshoumaru resurfaces once more. Except this time, he looks exactly like Kouga.

Ryoga screams. “No! Not another one!”

Kouga looks dismayed. “I appear to be reproducing…”

Sesshoumaru/Kouga surveys the shocked faces of those around him. “It hasn’t worked, has it.”

“Instead of spring of drowned youkai you made spring of drowned Kouga!” Kagome cries.

“Don’t worry,” Naraku says, fumbling with a dishcloth, “Um, we’ll fix you up…”

Inuyasha has spent all this time in the kitchen. He opens the window leading onto the garden and yells, “Oi, fang boy! Can you c’mere and help for a second?”

Kouga, Ryoga and Kouga the second all turn to him and yell, “Can’t you see we’re busy, furball?”

Naraku trips and falls in the spring.

“A third!” Ryoga shrieks and appears to be bordering on the edge of nervous collapse.

Kouga mutters, “Something’s wrong with my reproductive system…”



12.45 pm

Everyone is seated in the loungeroom, munching on lunch Inuyasha has made- a vegetarian meal of tinned corn- “Aren’t you proud of me? I opened it myself!”

The four ‘-ouga’s’ sit on a couch together, munching in silence, glancing at each other surreptitiously.

“I didn’t mean to fall in,” Naraku/Kouga mutters to Sesshoumaru/Kouga.

“Yeah, yeah. Always have to copy me, don’t you,” Sesshoumaru/Kouga replies, all traces of his former ‘lovely boyfriend’ self absent.

Kagome converses with Ranma over what to do.

“As far as I can see it, you’re stuffed,” Ranma says.



1.00 pm

Kikyou is sulking in Inuyasha’s tree. Inuyasha comes to give her some tinned corn and she eyes him suspiciously.

“What’s going on in there?” She asks, “That weirdo with the fangs is multiplying like rabbits,”

“Er…they fell in a spring and now they’re all Kouga. Nobody can fix it…” Inuyasha stops mid sentence with horror and realizes that now there are four potential Kouga’s running round after Kagome.

“Oh, that’s too bad. If only they had asked me,” Kikyou says.

“W…what do you mean?” Inuyasha asks.

“I’m not dead for nothing, you know,” She says. “You get certain powers when you go to hell,”

“You mean…” Inuyasha says, and Kikyou nods.

“By the way,” He says, “How come you’re still here?” Upon receiving a greasy, Inuyasha continues, “I mean, this time you died properly, right?”

Kikyou hops out of the tree and walks away, throwing a comment over her shoulder-

“They have a sixty day waiting period. I couldn’t get in to hell any sooner.”

1.10 pm
Kouga, Ryoga, Kouga 2 and Kouga 3 are sitting on the couch.
“God, your body is revolting, Kouga!” Sesshoumaru exclaims. “How can you live in something like this?”
“Hey!” Ryoga and Kouga exclaim at the same time.
“I just don’t get to wash very often,” Kouga says as Ryoga protests with “It’s a medical condition, ok?”
Kikyou makes a grand entrance. “I thought you were sulking,” Naraku remarks snidely.
“I have a deal,” Kikyou says, and all the ‘ouga’s’ sit up straight.
“As an eeeevil temptress, emerging from the daaaarknesses of hell itself…with magic power enough to ruuuuin your petty lives…”
“Get to the point,” Inuyasha mutters, red-faced.
“I’ll put you all back to normal again…IF…”
Expecting Kikyou to demand a kiss from him, or worse, a trip to hell, Inuyasha is somewhat surprised when she says quietly, with a blush and a coy smile- “If you all listen to my death poetry.”
6.00 pm
Five hours of
“Hell! Oh hell! Of the hells! Well! Well well well! Three holes in the ground…Heeeelll!”
And
“As the congealed blood drips off the murderous, deadly bow…”
and
“I float down a stream, elegant like a cod or a bream…”
and
“I love Frankenstein ‘cos he’s dead like me…”
has nearly sent the house to the brink of madness.
7.00 pm
Kikyou has finished. Kagome is bored. Inuyasha is asleep and Ryoga is not breathing.
Keeping her side of the bargain, Kikyou clicks her fingers and with an unceremonious plop Sesshoumaru and Naraku return to normal.
7.04 pm
Ranma and Ryoga leave the house. Ranma thanks Kagome for her hospitality and says with genuine meaning that he hopes he won’t have to come back.
Ryoga thinks he may need counseling.
Kagome watches them go somewhat sadly- then retreats to the diary room where she launches a raging tirade against Big Buttocks, claiming his actions are irresponsible and that he has breached his duty of care.
“But it was funny,” He says.
“You have no compassion,” Kagome says in disbelief. “You’re a tyrant!”
“It’s my job,” BB says, and switches off after making an announcement-
“Big Buttocks calls everyone to the living room! Now! As you know, I can’t always be with you in the evenings…Big Buttocks can’t always be watching. I have certain…other engagements.”
Miroku starts to make tellytubby noises.
“Shut up. Anyway, We’ve organised for someone to watch over you in the late evenings- her name is Big Sister and she’ll be watching you late at night till early in the morning. Ok? She’ll make contact with you soon,”
With that, Big Buttocks hangs up.
8.00 pm
A sultry, seductive, womanly voice breaks the silence.
“Hello,” She says smoothly, “I’m Big Sister. I’ll be watching over you guys, and to celebrate, I’ve had some hot chocolate brought in for you!”
Kagome looks happy- finally, a competent watcher at the helm!
Inuyasha looks happy too- in fact he looks enlightened.
“What’s wrong?” Sango asks him.
Inuyasha ignores her, and looks up into the air with a shy, almost cheeky look on his normally sour face.
“Hey…B..Big Sister, I’m …Inuyasha,” He says.
“Hello Inuyasha, pleased to meet you,” Big Sister replies, her voice as warm and comforting as apple pie.
“Eeehh…” Inuyasha’s voice trails off into the sunset and his red face has a dreamy look to it.
“What’s with him?” Sango asks, and Miroku chuckles.
“I think he likes her voice…”
9.00 pm
Inuyasha has been making conversation with Big Sister for the past hour.
Everyone is rather shocked- the longest conversation they’ve ever had with him has lasted less than ten minutes. Kikyou is cheesed off, and Kagome sits near Sango and Miroku, playing snap but not having very much fun.
Finally, Big Sister sends them all off to bed early with a warm milk, and forces Kouga to brush his teeth. He doesn’t like this very much, firstly because he hates mint and secondly because he is forced to look in the bathroom mirror and begins to think he is going mad.
9.15 pm
The cast lie in their beds in silence. If they talk, Big Sister will tell them to shush- a goodnight’s sleep makes for cheery sweeties in the morning!
“I hate her,” Sango mumbles into her pillow, and from the next bed Miroku grunts a grunt of affirmation.
“Psst, Inuyasha,” He whispers, “What’s up with you and Big Sissy?”
“What are you talking about?” Inuyasha says from his rarely used bed, usually opting to sleep outside.
Big Sister tells everyone that they need their sleep or there’ll be grumpy wumpy people in the morning.
“You were sucking up to her!” Miroku hisses.
“Was I?” Inuyasha says with genuine bafflement. “I didn’t notice,”
“This…change …came over you,” Sango says.
“Did it? She just seemed perfectly ordinary to me..."
"Shush everybody! We don't want grumpy faces in the morning!" Big Sister sings, and bliss takes hold of Inuyasha once again.
"Hypocrite," Sango mutters.
Inspired by her first reading, Kikyou continues with her death poetry.
"Does anyone know what rhymes with internally combustible?"

[HELLFIRE]

RF, I'd like to see you in the office about damages to my scrollwheel mouse, please

ADD'N: IY TV seems to have a new OP & song ep 154+
And I'd just gotten used to One Day, One Dream










Regards

[RussianFox]

*appears in HF's office* Sir, there's apsolutely nothing wrong with my post, Sir. just feeding the hunger of certain fans... still, replacement's comming outta your monthly paycheck -H

[Esyla]

thank ou for feeding my need for IY.
that was an interesting one.

[RussianFox]

@HF: alright-alright!
*handles him several 100$ bills*
Friday

11.00 am

Big Buttocks wakes the cast with a gastric emission that causes a few yetis on the southern side of Antarctica to keel over and weep.

“This is Big Buttocks! Good morning, and happy Easter!”

“But it was Christmas a few days ago!” Kagome protests.

“No it wasn’t,” Big Buttocks says.

“Yes it was!”

“No it wasn’t. You’re hallucinating. You’ve been in here so long that time has lost all importance,” Big Buttocks says, and Kagome is silent, feeling thoroughly confused and woozy.

“So who’s happy Weester?” Miroku asks.

“It’s a religious festival that celebrates the rebirth of Jesus Christ, and the coming of spring. Traditionally it’s associated with fluffy bunnies, baby chickens and the hunting of chocolate eggs,” Kagome says.

“What, are the eggs alive or summthin?” Kouga says.

“No, we go outside to find them,” Kagome says. “They’re chocolate. But it’s a kids thing really, adults just sit back and watch.”

“Sorry,” Big Buttocks says, “We won’t be having an Easter egg hunt. Naraku picked them all up before you woke and melted them to make chocolate crème caramel,” Big Buttocks says, and Naraku looks shifty. “I wazznt to know!!”

“So instead, we have a new ongoing task for you! Considering your recent…success… with plastic babies, we’ve decided to elevate you to the new level! Not real babies of course…(a shining light goes out of Miroku’s eyes) but in the spirit of Easter, you have to take care of baby chickens! You’ll find them outside in a cage.”

“Hooray!” Sango, Kagome and Sesshoumaru yell, maternal instincts kicking in, and they race outside to find a cage full of…feathers.



11.15 am

“Where are they?” Sesshoumaru shrieks. “There are no weeny fluffy little chicky-bums anywhere!”

“What is this, a sick joke? There aren’t any chickens here!” Sango says.

“That’s funny, I swore they were there this morning,” Big Buttocks muses.

“Aren’t you meant to be watching all the time? Where’s Big Sister?” Inuyasha growls.

“Well…we don’t watch all the time…”

Disappointed, the cast make their way back into the house, filing through the door one by one. Naraku is the last to enter, and with a nervous glance towards the cage, he makes a mental note not to serve his stew of chicken wings and drumsticks for lunch.



12.00 pm

The cast sit around the table eating a breakfast of mere cornflakes (apparently pate and roast chicken were removed from the menu in great haste) and grumbling.

“You never know what’s going to happen in this house!” Miroku raves, waving his fork around, nearly stabbing Kouga in the thigh.

“It’s mad! I would feel perfectly fine if it wasn’t for the fact that there are cameras in the showers, and we’re being watched by a completely incompetent buffoon!”

“I do feel a little anxious sometimes…” Sango says, mindlessly pushing cornflakes around the bowl. “You never know who’s going to be watching us…so I feel like I have to keep my behavior…acceptable…” She finishes with a sideways glance at the houshi.



12.20 pm

“HA! You all thought I was incompetent, didn’t you?!” Big Buttocks yells. “I’ve got something for you to do!”

“Oh great, hardy haa har har,” Inuyasha mumbles in a display of unusual extreme sarcasm. “Why don’t you leave us alone for a while? Leave us to our own devices?”

Inuyasha’s behavior towards Big Buttocks in the last few days has been extremely arrogant and negative. This could be attributed to the fact that Big Buttocks has contacted National Health and Safety to take a look at Inuyasha’s favorite tree- apparently there is an infestation of termites inhabiting it, meaning it could collapse at any moment.

“Because that’s boring,” Big Buttocks replies. “Audiences want something to watch.”

“We could make it interesting,” Miroku smirks and slides a hand in the direction of a certain bottom.



12.28 pm

The cast are sitting in the lounge room in a circle. Sesshoumaru and Naraku sit together pressing flowers.

“You’re hiding something from me, aren’t you, Narry?” Sesshoumaru says. Naraku turns blue.

“No…no, chickens…I mean, no!! No, of course not!” Naraku’s words tumble out in a flurry and Sesshoumaru raises a perfectly pencilled’n’plucked eyebrow.

“Here’s what you have to do,” Big Buttocks says. “Over the past few days loyal viewers have written in questions to you. You have to answer them.”

“That’s it?” Kouga exclaims. “I was expecting to do some plumbing…or something…”

“Nope! Look, here’s how it goes. I read you a question and you answer. For instance, bunny_tas has a question for you, Kikyou…it says “Are you going to get evicted soon? You should leave Inuyasha to Kagome!”

Kikyou starts to hiss like a punctured balloon. “What sort of stupid, moronic question is that? Of course I don’t know when I’m going to be evicted, that’s up to these morons. And tell me, why should I leave Inuyasha to a wannabe? He’d be much better off with me, the original. I can’t stand fakes…”

Kikyou finishes her sentence sounding exactly like a posh hotel receptionist, and anger flashes in Kagome’s eyes.

“I’m not a wannabe! I’m me, Kagome! I’m my own person and it’s my soul inside me, not yours! I’d never want to be such a pre-menstrual psycho-bitch anyway…”

Big Buttocks starts chuckling. “Heh heh…now this will get ratings! These questions are gooood…”

Inuyasha makes a feeble attempt to quell the tension. “Hey…hey…Kagome’s Kagome and Kikyou’s Kikyou…you’re both different people and… yeah.”

“That was pathetic,” Kouga says, and yells at Kagome. “Hey Woh-man! You don’t have to put up with this bitch or that dog turd! You’re one thing that that psycho-miko will never be!”

“Oh, and what’s that?” Kagome asks, annoyed.

“You’re my Woh-man!” Kouga says, smiling broadly, and Kikyou grimaces.

“Since when?” Inuyasha growls in a particularly forceful voice, and Sesshoumaru and Naraku squeal “oooOOoOooo!”

Perceiving a nasty situation, Big Buttocks advances to the next question.



1.00 pm

“Okay! Someone called Thryraci asks Kouga: What was it like having three copies of you running around? Also, why do you chew on things?”

Kouga shrugs. “Sure, it was weird at first but then it was just like being back home. I have forty brothers you know- there’s me, Kouga, then there’s Krouga, Yoga, Wouga, Souga, Pouga, ummmm…Nouga…”



2.00 pm

“…Gouga, Mouga, Vouga and Alfred. It was really hard whenever there was a birthday- we’d all pretend to be each other and rip off each other’s presents. Why do I chew on things?” Kouga suddenly realizes he is chewing on a stick. “Heh heh! Would you look at that? I’m chewing on a stick! Ahaha! I didn’t even realize! I think it’s some weird reaction… some days I don’t even realize I’m eating something. Who knows, maybe one day I’ll eat one of the cast! Ahahaha!”

Sango edges away from Kouga slowly as does Kagome, who receives a rather nasty poke in the back from Sesshoumaru; she is blocking his view of Inuyasha.



2.30 pm

Sesshoumaru and Naraku are playing a made up game. Using a special second voice box, the two are making youkai noises. These noises are on a special frequency, which means only youkai and hanyou can hear them. Taking turns, they direct the noises at Inuyasha, which irritates him completely. However, he has never experienced much in form of youkai language, and can’t make out whether the voices suddenly appearing in his head are his own, or from another in the room.

Sesshoumaru and Naraku love playing this game just to see Inuyasha’s face twitch, and to watch him jerk suddenly as he peers into their faces to determine where the voices are coming from.



2.40 pm

“Okay!” Big Buttocks says. “This next question is from someone calling themselves “obsessed fangirl” and they ask this of Sesshoumaru and Naraku:

Sorry to say this boys but you're acting, uhmmm.... how can I couch this diplomatically? Girlish,I think works....

I mean c'mon Sesshou- you’re an evil yet lovably glompy bishounen with an obsession with a sword, which incidentally, you can't touch lest you burn yourself. But right now you're acting like a teenage high school girl, in other words a cheerleader. It makes you less *attractive*, shall we say. I mean you used to be really hot, and although the make-up looks wonderful on you, spending seven hours blocking the bathroom really isn't cool.

And Naraku, you are supposedly obsessed with Kikyou (or at least Onigumo is, supposedly) and would like nothing better than to torture just about everyone in the BB house. But in the house, you're cooking and have a perpetual happiness about you, and then there's that whole 'I'm in love with a dog-demon lord' thing, do you have any idea how creepy that is? And what happened to that baboon pelt? I looked really good on you. You were never one of my *favorite characters* (only Sesshy has that spot) but you were one of the coolest ones. I admit though, that I would like to try your waffles just to see if they're as good as everyone says.

I guess what I'm trying to say to you two is, "What happened? What caused this big change?" And don't try to feed me the line that you two always kinda felt like this, any one who'll go through a troupe of bandits the way Sesshoumaru does or the way Naraku weaves schemes does *not* sound or look at all like the way you boys are acting now.”



3.00 pm

Sesshoumaru and Naraku’s faces crumple, and the two of them tremble for a while before bursting in to emotional tears.

“Less attractive? Less attractive? Not cool? Schoolgirl Cheerleader?!” Sesshoumaru shrieks hysterically, as Naraku pulls fur out of his baboon pelt and sobs quietly, muttering “The secret’s out…”

Sesshoumaru suddenly draws himself up and says in a cold monotone, “I never said I loved you.”

Naraku stares at him out of wide, tear-stained eyes. “W…what?”

“I never said those three words,” Sesshoumaru says evilly, and Naraku’s lip trembles like a belly-dancer’s frilly skirt. “B…but all those times we spent together…don’t they mean anything to you?” Naraku pleads.

“No,” Says Sesshoumaru, but a hesitancy has gone in to his voice and his eyes fill with (probably fake) tears. “No…n…b…of course they did! I’m sorry Naraku, how could I have hurt you so…”

“It’s alright,” Naraku cries and the two burst into tears again. “Hey Big Buttocks, tell that fangirl that we need to spend time in front of a mirror to maintain our images! It’s hard being beautiful you know, it’s 80% natural beauty and 20% work! She obviously doesn’t understand how hard it is being in this house…who said that evil people didn’t need love?”

Kouga makes gagging noises and even the self-titled ‘master of romance’ Miroku looks revolted.





3.20 pm

“Next question!” Big Buttocks cries, “From someone called Lis! She asks all of the male cast members:

Boxers or Briefs?”

“Boxers,” All the male cast members answer simultaneously, bar Inuyasha who replies “neither”.

“What do you wear?” Miroku asks him.

“Who said I had to wear anythin’?” Inuyasha answers defiantly.

“So that’s why he never takes off his pants,” Kouga says and Kikyou looks smug.

“So I like being free!” Inuyasha answers back, and Sesshoumaru says “I think you’d be really comfortable in a kilt, little brother, y’know, give you room to swing…”



3.25 pm

After settling Inuyasha down from his confused state, Big Buttocks launches into another question.

“Ok. This ones directed at the two brothers. It’s from someone called Aurora. She says - I've got three questions for the cast. One, where is Rin? Did she get voted off or what? Second, Sesshomaru, how many times do you brush your hair daily? Third, Inu-Yasha, do you only own red clothes, or is this a current trend?”

The cast watch as Sesshomaru’s face visibly crumples at the sound of Rins name. Finally, he says shortly-

“Being looked after.” He looks around the expectant cast.

“Not Jaken. I wouldn’t even think about letting him be mummy. He… he smokes! Do you know how bad that is for your teeth? I want Rin to model for Versace one day, and they don’t accept people with grubby teeth. If Jakens grub was to come off on her, I don’t know what I’d do.”

Sesshomaru folds his arms with a self-satisfied head toss.

“And as for my hair, well I think that it’s very rude of you to pry into such private facts. Don’t you people know that facts like that are shared only between people who trust each other completely and utterly?”

Naraku’s face falls. Obviously, even he doesn’t know that one.

“And as for my brothers question,” Sesshomaru continues. “Dogs are colorblind.”

“I thought I wore green,” Inuyasha mumbles. “My point exactly,” says Sess.



3.30 pm

“Okay,” Says Big Buttocks. “A few more questions and we’re done. This one is from clefairy2u and says, “Hey BB cast, what’s up?”

“The ceiling!” Kikyou cackles.

Big Buttocks continues, “Anyway, here's the question. It's for Miroku-sama. Alright, Miroku, do you seriously think you can have a relationship with someone by just walking up and asking them to bear your child? I mean, to get someone to do THAT you'd need to both be in love. Real love, not just "This-girl-is-hot-I-love-her" kind of love. If you took the time to get to know the girl(s), maybe you'd learn there are important things about a relationship you need to know before having children. One more comment and I'll shut up. Stop feeling girls when you like them. San- er, certain women will appreciate it and begin to like you more if you don't. OK, I'm done. Ja ne!”



Miroku blinks. “I don’t get it. You don’t need to be in love to have a child. Plus, I always ask women beforehand…” Miroku is victim to harsh stares from all members of the cast.

“Oh, bugger,” He says and stands up, proceeding to walk to the diary room. “I knew I’d have to do this one day.”

He sits down in the padded chair and closes the door so nobody can hear him. Then he leans in close to the camera and begins to whisper.

“Look, none of you seem to understand! I haven’t asked anyone to bear my child as of recent because I’m crazy about that girl out there! Gestures towards the living room. But I don’t get what you mean by real love, not ‘this girl is hot’ love. I mean, I think I’m experiencing real love but she’s also really hot. Aren’t they the same thing? I also thought girls liked being felt. Aren’t I showing how I really feel by teasing her? I thought that was how love worked in the sengoku jidai. It goes like this- man feels woman, man gets slapped. Man feels woman, man gets slapped again. Man keeps feeling woman till he is slapped to within an inch of his life, then woman admits feelings and couple have baby. At least that’s what my oyanji told me. So yeah, please rephrase the question.”

With that, Miroku leaves the diary room having exposed his most private feelings, unaware that millions of copies of a Big Buttocks video with that specific confession on it would be sold later.



4.00 pm

Miroku reseats himself, looking a tad uncomfortable, and Big Buttocks decides to move on.

“This question is from someone called Akari. She wrote to all of you…except Kagome and Miroku.”

Kagome looks a little downcast at that, but Miroku looks purely relieved.

“Right. The question. Dear I-Y people,

Hi! I'm Akari, and i gots a few questions,

Kikyo, why don't you just kill kagome and get it over with?? Inu-Yasha, you are one stupid moron. Naraku, Where did you learn to cook? Sesshoumaru, Can I have some beauty tips? Sango, Stop stalling and bear miroku's ****ing child already! Kouga, I love you! (okay, that was random, but true...i want kouga-cola..) okee, that's all..really tho, kouga call me ^_~”

There is a burst of voices from the living room. It would appear that all the cast tried to answer at once, and the room is filled with cries of “My Secrets!!!! My beauty tips are MY secrets” and guffaws from Kikyou.

Big Buttocks gives them an order to answer – Kikyou, Inu, Naraku, Sess, Sango and then Kouga.

Kikyou looks straight into camera 67b and smiles evilly.

“I would love to pick the little wench off, but I still have faith that I can win Inuyasha over with my pure looks and ingenious writing skills. As soon as Inu-baby and I are married safely with twin girls, then and only then will I feel safe to get rid of her. But you never know. She may just hit a nerve one day and KABOOM!!!! Won’t that be nice?”

Kikyou reseats herself smugly, and Inuyasha is heard to mutter distinctly “Twin girls??? Whose?”

Kagome looks straight though camera 69a, and clears her throat.

“Inuyasha is NOT a moron!” she states loudly. “He is actually a very intelligent, considerate perso- hanyou. He is just confused and muddled, but in reality he is quite intellectu…”

Kagome looks at Inuyasha, then at Kikyou.

“Forget that” she sighs sadly and sits down again.

There is an uncomfortable silence in the room. Inuyasha looks shocked, while Kikyou looks smug.

“Um…Naraku” Big Buttocks urges.

“Oh!” Naraku smiles cutely. “I’ve always known how to cook! I’ve had kids, I’ve experienced it all before. I’ve done the ballet lessons chauffeuring, the fussy broccoli predicament and cooking has just been another step along the way.”

“Kagura did ballet?” Sess whispers to Naraku. “Which school? I enrolled Rin to the best stage school around!”

“No not Kagura – Kagura did gym. Kanna did ballet at some local school.”

Sesshomaru has apparently been keeping track, and realizing his turn has come stands up and clears his throat.

“I hearby make a statement that none of my personal beauty secrets shall ever be revealed to the public, no matter what the circumstances.”

He sits down again, but soon after he touches the ground, he jumps to his feet again.

“But NEVER EVER EVER mix peach blossom lipstick with Mable Cowtrot eyeshadow.”

As Sesshomaru touches down, Naraku whispers –

“I thought you weren’t going to disclose anything!”

“Yeth, but that was basic knowledge, right plumpiepoo?”

Big Buttocks interrupts them, explaining that Sango should answer her question now.

“Well,” Sango says blushing furiously. “Why should I succumb to such pressuring questions, with such bad language too! If I ever, ever bear his child, which is highly unlikely as George was the only…anyway, it will be MY choice, not forced upon me by strange outsiders. So there”

Sango proceeds to immaturely stick her tongue out at camera 67b.

Finally it is Kouga’s turn. All eyes turn expectantly to him, as they wait to see his response to the question.

“Kagome’s mah Woh-man! I’m sorry, I’m not interested in any other Woh-man”.

With a final ‘so there, no udda woh-man” Kouga flashes his best smile at Kagome, revealing his shiny fangs. Kagome edges backwards, smiling nervously back.

“Are you sure, Kouga” Inuyasha suddenly presses. “What if this Akari is really…nice?”

All the cast take a surprised look at Inuyasha.

“Well…if she’s really nice… she can be mah second woh-man!” Kouga answers smugly, resulting in many eyebrows being raised.

“But you just said the opposite, didn’t you,’ Inuyasha states, with the same air as a lawyer cornering his victim.

“Yeah…but she’d be mah SECOND woh-man!” Kouga says, with a ‘so-there’ look on his face. “It’s an entirely different matter.”

“I thought you could only have one woman at a time,” Miroku says.

“Yeah, that IS only one woman at a time, Kagome’s my first woh-man at a time, and Akari is my SECOND only woh-man at a time!”

“That’s really weird,” Miroku says, as Kagome inwardly remarks that Kouga’s adoption of a woman named Akari is too much of a coincidence…*

From nowhere, Naraku pulls out his chocolate crème caramel and passes it round the cast, who tuck in to afternoon tea.



5.00 pm

“Rightyo,” Says Big Buttocks quickly, “That’s enough questions for today. You’ll get to answer more after this weekend!”

“Thank god it’s Friday,” Sango mutters.

Inuyasha and Kagome are sitting to one side.

“D…did you really mean that about me not being smart?” Inuyasha asks her.

“Yep,” Kagome says without hesitation. Inuyasha’s hackles rise.

“Bitch! That’s so mean! I am smart,” He says angrily.

“Suuuure. How many quarters in a whole then?” She asks.

“I…how am I meant to know that? I meant smart as in I know what’s going on around me!”

Kagome can’t help but giggle as she notices that Inuyasha’s mouth is covered in chocolate crème caramel.

“What! What are you laughing at? I know what you all think of me. You all think I’m incompetent!” Inuyasha starts to yell, yellow eyes flashing and chocolate-covered mouth in a pout. He seems to be incredibly grumpy after the intense questioning session. “Well I’m not! I’m just as good as the rest of you! And I’ll tell you what? I’m sick of this house! I’m leaving!”

With that, Inuyasha storms outside. The others watch him go with serious faces, and then burst into laughter.



5.05 pm

Inuyasha’s obvious intent was to sit and sulk in his tree. His tree appears to be gone, however; it has been removed during the day. “WHERE’S MY TREE?!”

“Sorry,” Says Big Buttocks. “There was hardly any tree left. It was a termite tree. They would have eaten you too, chocolate-boy.”

“RAAAARGH!” Inuyasha’s frustration seems to be beyond the mere expression of words, and the hanyou punches a fist into the ground. When he pulls it out, however, it is covered in termites and he has to run quickly into the bathroom to wash them off. Here he sees himself in the mirror and after a while of staring at himself, he reaches the conclusion that he looks sorta raunchy with a brown (chocolate) beard.



6.00 pm

Naraku serves chicken for dinner.

“This is delicious, Naraku!” Kagome exclaims.

“Yeah,” Sango says. “I thought we were all out of meat though. Where did you get the chicken from?”



11.00 pm

The cast are all tucked up in bed, feeling rather ill and woozy with sick bowls at the ready.

Naraku has been banned from the bedroom for the night, and also from touching any animals Big Buttocks decides to import in the future.
* For those non-Ranma ½ people, the second love interest of Ryoga (see Thursday) was a girl named Akari. Perhaps Ryoga and Kouga really ARE the same person…

Due to the humungous amount of letters sent in, not all of them could be included in today’s episode. However, the rest of them will be answered by the cast on a later date so stay tuned!

[mika]

have alot to catch up

[RussianFox]

"have alot to catch up"

[mika]

have you exhausted your two weeks' worth of supply yet?