[FIC] Explanations, part 3 {Chapter 7}

[dd]

The loud engine noise of the airborne Globemaster made Sousuke glad he had remembered to pack earplugs. Snug within the passenger webbing of the transport plane, he glanced briefly at the equipment pallet, and seeing nothing that offered a hint of the upcoming mission, swiftly changed his view to the group of soldiers situated closer to the front of the aircraft. Kurz was there, obviously laughing, arms waving in great circles or slashing akimbo, as he told some great tale. Sousuke envied him his ability to entertain a crowd, as a fish might envy a bird for its ability to fly. But he knew enough to understand Kurz had his kingdom, and he had his own.

Kurz occasionally glanced towards Sousuke as he talked, and the latter hoped that the tales being told had nothing to do with a young sergeant, an equally young captain, and their civilian acquaintance. He quickly put the thought from his mind, as he wriggled into the most comfortable position possible, closed his eyes, and attempted to find what rest he could. Even at his young age, Sousuke had long since learned to take opportunities when they presented themselves, and the long flight was a golden opportunity to catch up on some sleep. He was physically tired from the journey so far, and he was mentally tired from his attempts at self examination.

The young soldier fell asleep almost instantly, but it was not a deep sleep at first, and not a comfortable sleep. Sousuke generally treasured sleep as a time when there was no demand on his senses, no expectations of success, and no need for heightened awareness or utmost vigilance. Sousuke treasured sleep for its emptiness...and for its calm and numbing embrace.

This was not one of the rare times when Sousuke actually dreamed...it was more a time when his sleep was too shallow to drown his swimming thoughts. His mind drifted back to his apartment...to the night that seemed likely to turn his world upside down...or return it from whence it came...depending on the perspective of the moment:


"Sousuke...what was SHE doing here?!!!" Kaname asked, cooking spoon in hand, and a dangerous frown furrowing her brows.

"Captain Testarossa had been in town on duty, and wanted to check up on me. She also wanted to offer explanation for recent actions that had proven purposely unclear to me. In addition, she sought insight into my mission priorities."

Her frown softening, Kaname asked "Sousuke...was it about the fax?"

While Sousuke did not move in body, the look in his eyes told Kaname that he was caught off guard. "Kaname. How did you know about the fax? If you had been told of the Captain's intentions, why were you surprised to see her? I do not understand...."

Aware of the spoon in her hand, Kaname decided to change the arena. "Let's cook the food Sousuke, before it gets too late. We can continue our conversation at the table. I understand that you have an important question, and I have some questions of my own. I would like to ask you a favor, Sousuke."

"A favor?"

"Yes, a big favor. I beg for permission to ask any question I want, with a promise that you will answer, and answer truthfully. In return, I offer you the same privilege. Will you do that for me?"

"Kaname...."

"Sousuke...please..." Kaname's plea was calm and steady, and Sousuke knew that he walked barefoot on the edge of a razor. This obviously meant a lot to Kaname...but he would have to open himself up. He would be vulnerable. And if he refused her, he would hurt her, and perhaps close some doors he wished to remain open.

"Yes, Kaname...I will give you my promise." Kaname's expression brightened, but remained serious, not playful. "And I trust this is no game...as I do not intend to approach it as such. I have great trust in you, Kaname."

"Thank you Souske. Thank you. I realize what I am asking. And I have great faith in you too. I know I don't always show it, Sousuke, but I am growing to trust you with more than just my life. I just want that trust to be justified, " she said. She quietly added "and I don't want the opportunity to end."

After they were done with preparation, Kaname served Sousuke a dish of seafood and noodles, a bowl of spiced fruit, and a cup of hot tea. She served herself the same. They both started to eat in silence, neither certain who should be the first to speak.

"Sergeant Major Mao would want to be here now," Sousuke offered, for the moment uncomfortable with the silence. "Yes, even though there is no beer."

"Meslissa? Sousuke...?"

"She is quite fond of crab" Sousuke explained.

"Ahhh...I hope you are talking about the food, Sousuke!" Kaname laughed, attempting to force a more cheerful mood, inwardly cringing at the sound of her joke.

"Yes, certainly. What else would I be referring too? Oh, yes, I see. Kaname, I was not talking about you." Somehow sensing her need, he thought a moment, assessed the possibilities, and made his own effort. "This time," he added.

"Sousuke Sagara!!! Did you ever...Sousuke, did you just make a joke?!!"

"I am sorry Miss Chidori, that is classified information," he said somewhat sternly. Sousuke slowly and deliberately stared at Kaname, and crossed his arms across his chest. "Most...definitely...classified." Sousuke like to be in control.

"I see. Does the word of a professional soldier mean so little then?" Kaname asked, a wicked gleam in her eyes. "Sousuke, I am disappointed in you!" She turned her back on him, and he could not see her smile.

"My word? Kaname..."

"Yes, you make me a solemn promise, eat my generous gift of food, and promptly forget that promise!"

"Promise...?" Sousuke asked, firmly stuck in her web. She too liked to be in command. And this was well within her realm of experience.

"You see...you see...You forgot already!!!" She stood, still facing away from him, her face now in her hands.

"Please, Kaname! I do not understand. I have no intention mean to hurt you. Just explain my mistake, and I will correct it." He was concerned, but not frantic...nowhere near a total loss of control.

"Y-You PROMISED me Sousuke that you would answer any question...but the first thing I ask, you hide behind Classified Information." Her face was still hidden from view.

"Ah...but I did not mean...I swear to you Kaname, I will not use Classified status as an excuse not to answer." Sousuke was obviously honest in his intent.

Kaname turned around, a large grin on her face. "Thank you Sergeant Sagara...GOTCHA!!!" She laughed, and Sousuke was dumbfounded at first, but soon thereafter felt somewhat sheepish.

He thought a moment, and then a few moments more, and Kaname wisely gave him all the time he needed to come up with a response. Sousuke coughed, and feigned laryngitis, but Kaname said "I am not buying it, Sergeant! Nice try. Didn't know you had it in you." Kaname truly was surprised, and not just a little pleased. Was there a side to Sousuke she hadn't seen before, or was he merely trying to follow her lead like a seasoned combatant? Sousuke, for his part, was uncertain if his actions were effective, or seemed sincere.

"No...No...I just had something in my throat..." Sousuke started, unconsciously trying to erase his prior actions, but Kaname quickly interjected "SOUSUKE, don't even go there, not after what happened ealier!!!" Kaname laughed, and Souske even grinned , but so quickly that Kaname could not be certain it wasn't a mirage.

Kaname did not want the light-hearted banter to stop, but she could tell that her mention of things that had happened before Tessa's arrival had brought Sousuke's mood back to earth. And it was just as well, if she was going to get answers to her questions. "More Tea?" She asked. "No, Thank you" Sousuke replied.

"You asked about the fax Souske...I should explain. And then, I will be ready for your questions." She took a sip of tea, then continued "I found the fax in with your Algebra homework."

"You read a mission document directed to me?" Sousuke was still a soldier, and he needed to know how discrete Kaname could be expected to be.

"Not intentionally. No, I mean I did not think it was a fax. I thought it might be a note. A note to me, since I am the one who checks your homework every morning." She blushed slightly, and lowerered her eyes.

"Kaname, why would I send you a note? If there was something we could discuss in public, I would not hesitate to speak with you. And if it were privileged information, I would not put it on paper."

"I know Sousuke, believe me I know. I had just...hoped...it might be something else. I was caught off guard, and thought with my heart not my head." She looked up, her face sporting an expression Sousuke was uncertain how to decipher.

"Kaname?"

"I thought it might be a personal note, Sousuke. A note from you to me, expressing your feelings for me." She looked down again, and clasped her hands together in her lap.

"I see," Souske replied, and to his credit, he had some idea of what she meant. His subsequent thoughts were in part personal, and in part professional.

There was a period of quiet, after which Sousuke continued "Kaname. I am sorry."

"I understand, Sousuke. I did not me to trouble you. I know your duty is difficult enough...I never wanted to be a burden."

"You are no burden, Kaname. I have told you that before. And I have told you that when I was with you, I felt I could do anything. What I did not say, was that I do not feel that way with anyone else...and I have never felt that way before I came here."

He saw the glistening of moisture at the corner of Kaname's eyes, and saw her lift her chin ever so slightly. "I am sorry that I do not know how to behave. I am sorry that I do not know what I feel. If I was so uncertain of what to do in a military conflict, there would be no place for me in the field of battle, or even behind the lines. At the school, I look at others my age, and I...I..." His voice got slowly quieter until it was inaudible.

"I understand, Sousuke. I understand what it is like to be different...when I returned to this country, I felt like an outcast, and at times I would not have cared if my life had ended. And I understand what it is like to be a star in one show, but an understudy in another...when I was on that submarine, I felt alone and useless at first. Everything was so different, so new. And you, you seemed born of that place. You did things I could not imagine myself doing...you fought and returned, and you did so when older soldiers could not do the same. I couldn't imagine, then, that there was anything you couldn't do in that world."

"Kaname..."

"No, Sousuke, let me finish. When the time came, I was able to make a difference there. I know the school and everything else in city life is my base of operation, and my show...and I am certain you can make a difference here if you want to."

Sousuke sat, thinking quietly.

"Sousuke, may I ask a question now?"

"Yes."

"Sousuke...when we were at the school, and I asked you about regrets, were you being honest?" When Souske replied "Yes, Kaname," she flinched. "But I thought you were taking about my homework, which you had started off calling a mission."

"And...can I ask another question Sousuke?"

"Certainly, please continue." Sousuke did not find the answering of questions to be unpleasant.

"Sousuke...when Tessa was here...was she here for personal reasons? Did she say if she would be ending your mission here? Do you know why she was so angry?"

"Kaname, that was three questions..." Sousuke replied calmly.

"S o u s u k e!"

"My apologies. I am not entirely certain why she was angry. Her anger came after she saw you, and after she had...after she had remarked upon the condom in my hand...although at first, I did not get the impression that she was unhappy about THAT. Nonetheless, it was my mistake..."

"SOUSUKE!!!"

"Kaname, I did not carry it on purpose. When the doorbell rang, I did not think of it at all. May I continue? Thank you. She mentioned, as you heard, that she had hoped she did not ruin the mood. She said only to me, that you were attractive, I was reckless, and that she was disappointed, not surprised. She said she was concerned that I had gone too deep into cover, and she would have to consider whether to pull me out for your sake, my sake, and the mission's sake. She said she would discuss matters with Lt. Commander Kalidin."

Kaname's heart sank at first, followed by righteous anger, itself followed by the further capsizing of her heart. "I see. And Sousuke...how had she acted before she saw me?"

"She was smiling when she arrived, and she was dressed in very nice clothes, though I am not certain if they would have been what she wore during her site study. She also wore a rather pleasant perfume...I did not realize that I liked perfume," he missed the brief glare in Kaname's eyes, followed by calculation. "I am not entirely certain perfume is appropriate on a Captain, but she had made it a point to say she was not here as my commanding officer, but rather that she was here on a friendly visit, with the emphasis on the word friend. She apologized for the fax, saying it was a joke, and that she in part wanted to see what my reaction to her visit would be, and also wanted to give me opportunity to assess my thoughts and feelings about my mission here. She then..."

"Sousuke..." Kaname started to ask another question, but held off "No, please continue."

"She told me that I was an important member of Mithril, with many things that I could do well, and with many places I could be of use. She said that she and others had a difficult task deciding where I might best serve, and said that my feelings could play a decisive role, if there was a lack of consensus on their part."

"I see," Kaname said, in a somewjat solemn tone of voice. "I can understand her point. Sousuke, do you think they will let you continue this mission?"

"I do not know. I am not privileged to know all that they do, and I am not certain what will come of the Captain's report."

"Sousuke," Kaname asked in a quiet voice "Do you want to remain here?"

"Yes, Kaname." He did not elaborate.

She pushed herself away from the table. "Let me clean these things up while you relax. I really don't mind." Sousuke watched as she walked away. Did she want him to remain?

Sousuke was not certain the moment he realized that things had been quiet for too long. He looked to see where Kaname was, and what she was doing. Seeing her standing quietly in the corner of the kitchen space, he rose from his desk chair and walked over to her. She was trembling slightly. And when she turned to face him, he could see that she had been crying. "Sousuke" was the only word she spoke before wrapping her arms around him, and placing her head against his shoulder.

Sousuke stood unmoving for a moment, and then wrapped his arms around her, intent on comforting her. He let her be the first to speak, and waited sometime before she was ready.

"Sousuke...Sousuke, I'm scared."

"Kaname?"

"Sousuke, I'm sorry!"

"Sorry, Kaname. Why..."

"I...I haven't always treated you the way I should have, especially seeing what we had been through overseas. I haven't always shown you the kindness or patience you deserve, and I haven't given you the thanks you have earned. Can you forgive me?"

"Kaname, there is nothing to forgive. I..."

"But there is, Sousuke. I have been so very rough on you lately, and my mood swings would have confused anyone, and would have been a trial even for a Saint!"

"But Kaname, I..."

"No, Sousuke. LISTEN! It's my fault, not your fault. I have had a lot of trouble sorting out my feelings lately, and that is something new to me. I'm talking about my feelings for you, my faithful shadow. And I have been worried about the future, even before these last few days. When my mother died, I felt many things. I felt sorrow. I felt loss. But I also felt abandoned, silly as that might seem. It hurt me, Sousuke. And it scared me. I grieved, and I moved on, with the help of my family and friends. But I never loss the fear of abandonment. When I returned to this country, the people I once thought were friends...they turned on me Sousuke. They didn't just ignore me, they were mean, and spiteful, and I felt so alone. And when it was decided that I would stay here alone...I knew the reasons Sousuke, and I agreed with them. I even pushed for things to turn out that way, because I understood all too well the things that were good for each of us. But deep inside, part of me still felt abandoned."

She buried her head in his shoulder once more.

After another period of silence, and silent tears from Kaname, Sosusuke chose to restart the converstaion. "Kaname?"

"Yes?"

"Kaname, what is it you are frightened of? Abandonment? By whom? Me?"

"Yes, Sousuke...and yes, again. But not only you."

"Kaname?"

"Sousuke, what do you know about the Whispered?"

"I do not know anything more than you yourself told me, after you spoke with Captain Testarossa" Sousuke replied earnestly. "I would tell you all I knew, if there was more."

"Thank you," Kaname smile slightly, wiping away the last remaining tears. "Do you know what Mithril does with the Whispered? Why do they spend money, and send out valuable operatives, if they expect nothing in return? And what happens if the Whispered prove to be of no value. What happens after they DO prove to be valuable?"

"I am not certain, as my questions have not been fully answered, just as I was told I was not to know all there was to know about the lambda driver. It was made clear that it was not my place to ask the questions, and not my place to know the answers. I have guarded you. I have rescued others. The Captain is a Whispered. The designer of my AS was a Whispered. Takuma must have been a Whispered. And I know nothing more than that. I am sorry."

"Don't be, Sousuke, you are as much in the dark as I am. I am in danger because of what I am. You are in danger because you protect those like me. The only difference is that you can walk away from your duty if you choose, but I can never change what I am. I have to accept that Sousuke, as unfair as it might seem."

She paused, taking a moment to sigh, shuddering while she exhaled. " You are someone who was forced to grow up too fast, and missed so much along the way. I am someone who knows too much, too soon, and I am afraid that there will be many things that I will miss in the days to come. We're a pretty good pair, you and I. And I don't know if I should laugh, cry, or run away."

"I will do what I can for you Kaname, as long as it is permitted. I would give my life for you. You know that. But please do not run anywhere I cannot follow. That would only make my job more difficult...."

"Thank you. I mean that, Sousuke. Thank you so very much."

"It is not a problem."

The conversation continued a short while after that, but Sousuke did not replay those words as he finally reached the safety and comfort of sleep.

[PookaKitten]

This is shaping up to be an interesting story. You are giving plenty of glimpses into Sousuke's mind. Are we going to get inside anyone else's?

Thank heavens Kaname calmed down. I wouldn't have minded seeing her harisen Tessa, though. *laughs* I created a new word--"to harisen," meaning to whack a person with one's full strength with a paper fan.

In the prior chapter, it was fun seeing Kurtz play Sousuke like a violin to get to the root of what happened. I have a feeling he is the biggest gossip gatherer on the TDD-1, though he would not spread what he knows in this case.

Samantha

[dd]

This is mainly a Souske story, as he is the character I see as most pivotal for the growth of the story as a whole. If Sousuke never shows any change or growth, the story will stagnate...and he has perhaps the greatest room and need for growth. The same is true for Kaname, but to a lesser degree in my eye. Tessa...deserves attention as well, but this might not be the place.

Kaname has been given a sizeable role, as she is pivotal for Sousuke specifically.

I have considered taking a look at Kurz' perspective, as well as Melissa's and Tessa's. But they are not the lightning rod for Sousuke that she is.
Also, while I have a general framework set in mind, the story is evolving as I write it, and as I 'learn' about the characters.

[Taurec]

.. ACK .. no thats not done !!!! sousuke making a joke !!! <g>

[dd]

Under most circumstances, you are correct...

...however, when he is with Kaname, he feels he can do anything, no matter how difficult, right?

[darkbane]

even in season 1 of the anime, souske makes some jokes, tho rather wry, so it's forgivable

despite cheesy dialogue i like this part the best so far. and kaname and sousuke get some private time to sort out their emotions and it isn't involving a halisen, great