[Fic] Simply Whisper ~ Ch 1

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Miz~Chidori
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[Fic] Simply Whisper ~ Ch 1

Post by Miz~Chidori »

Table of Contents::Chapter Guide

Disclaimer: Full Metal Panic does not belong to me...yet. :lol: Right now it belongs to ADV Films, Gonzo Digimation and Shougi Gatou.
Warning: You might not want to read if you have not yet seen the full series - just don't say I didn't warn ya ;) I quote the series but do not own by any means.
This is my first fanfic... ever. Yeah, that's a warning.

~If I didn't have you, I would have been dead by now. I am here now, because you were there for me. So, please don't tell me you're all right on your own.~ FullMetal Panic* Episode 22

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She brushed an almost undetectable strand of hair, matching the color of the ocean she viewed, out of her face. After enduring the strand tickling her eyelid with its presence for several minutes, she finally surrendered, adjusting and repositioning her white hat. Once again free to concentrate on the sun as it dipped languidly into the ocean, enjoying the warm sand between her toes.

He had brought her here just days ago. His favorite fishing spot... she smiled. He is a strange one, she thought, but felt a small twinge of pride at being the only one who had knowledge of this spot.

But she could take care of herself... besides, he led a different life. One she never would be a part of. He would never have to know. She gave a nervous smile. The sunlight invariably fell down on her, assuring her of her conclusion as the waves ebbed, keeping the rhythm of the universe.

The universe. Her thoughts led her more and more frequently back to the mysterious power she had. What was it to be a Whispered? She didn't feel any differently than before. She didn't feel she deserved any recognition for something she couldn't even control, hadn't known she even possessed until months ago. Something she’d had since she was born, unaware all the years of her life. Except for the little hints she had noticed - the amnesia, the violence that seemed to come so easily... the nightmares. Sighing in her confusion she cast a glance down at her sandals. Why am I here?

'Before school resumes, I request your official presence at Melida Island, since our most recent mission altered the original plans. Cordially yours, Teletha Testarossa'

She had read and reread the petite writing before she crushed the paper in her hand, a fretful reaction. Tessa had insisted on Chidori making an official visit to the base she never got to see.
Chidori rubbed her arm nervously at the memory. She really didn't deserve it, felt so out of place. She didn't know any of them... she was not a part of that life, his life. She should not have been there when-

A storm of foreign words flashed before her vision, descending upon her at a frightening pace. Her eyes slammed shut involuntarily as she pressed her eyelids with the palm of her hands.

It occurred more and more frequently anymore, ever since the kidnapping. The faintly sterile smell, the taste of the nutrients... the visions. She recalled the invasions: while she was at school and alone, the words would be accompanied by a voice that seemed to whisper and tease. She would race to the bathroom, slamming her back against the cool wall out of breath, fighting for control. Again in the privacy of her apartment, the few hours she had to herself, she occasionally saw the edge of her vision blur and blacken; a haunting reminder.

This time... this time it was coming back to her more swiftly. Visiting her again, uninvited. At first, slowly invading her senses - the shore disappeared, swallowed by a blinding light. She instinctively hugged her arms around her cold body, could see the waves pulling away from her. Replaced by that white flash of light, the geometric whirlwind calling her. Drawing her toward its center.

I thought I'd find you here.

That voice.
She felt a shiver go down her arm as the faint sound reached her ear. It sounded so familiar. So taunting. She looked past her whipping hair desperate to find the source.

"Tell me!" She cried desparately against the wind deafening her. "Tell me who you are!"

No answer.

Chidori's sense of leadership took over, her resolve fortified. "I no longer fear you. I demand to know who you are! Why do you keep calling me!?"

Come to me. Touch my hand. And you will know.

The sourceless voice pulsated through her mind. The same request. The same simple request every time she felt she was losing her sanity. The same inviting request.
The orb of light drew her closer as her body and soul rebelled. Her grip was lessening, the pain shot through her body.

End your suffering. Simply touch my hand and we will become one. Forever.

Forever. Eternity. She didn't want to! The magnetic draw of the orb coaxing her closer, forever against her will.

"I will not."

But you will.

The voice was taunting her again, returning the answer so swiftly - as if it had known what she was going to say. The invisible rays slowly invaded her clouding vision as the energy permeated the air. Her clothing disappeared, the shapes began to blur, her universe spun. She could no longer cease her thoughts to form a coherent sentence, to shout into the eternal sphere of light.

She was going to lose. After the thousands of times she had vowed not to. Her mind distracted by her tresses whipped her exposed skin, bruising and searing, with the help from the force of the vacuum.

If only she understood this power.
What it was to be a Whispered.

Her grip was forced away suddenly and she shielded her eyes as she forced herself to look up. She felt her strength stripping away, her cry for help caught tight in her throat, her voice lost.

I want to be strong! she screamed inwardly.

You will be strong - with me.

It knew.
The voice and the light that owned it knew her every thought, her every emotion, her very soul. She clutched desparately to hold to something.

"Leave me alone!"

But I cannot my dear. Venom behind the word. I have always been a part of you. You only need to recognize it. Acknowledge it. And touch me. The gentle invitation...

She saw a hand outstretched, the milky rays kissing it gently. Occasionally she felt she could make out the form of a body, wavering in and out of sight, as if embodying waves of heat, cloaked by the light.
She felt so weak, longed to end these turbulent visions, the hand her anchor. The only certain thing. So harmless.

She had no reason to continue. She had failed and she felt the heavy burden on her shoulders. She could not keep up the fight. She was tired.

Convinced in her thoughts, her own shaky hand went out to meet it. Weary she felt her strength crumble. She would give in this time... she was too tired. The voice continued its taunt... approaching a low, inaudible laugh.

She watched her hand glide out amidst her wild strands of hair. The light held promise, an end.

-wait-

A small voice, faint, came through the laughter. She strained to hear it. She recoiled from the hand and held her face in her own.

"If I didn't have you, I would have been dead by now."

A simple glimpse, faded by the white light radiating behind it, but she swore she saw it. She strained to hear the proverbial words as she looked up. His face flashed before her and everything froze.

"I am here now, because you were there for me. So, please don't tell me you're all right on your own."

"Come home."



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Last edited by Miz~Chidori on Mon Oct 22, 2007 3:22 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Geshron Tyler
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Post by Geshron Tyler »

An interesting beginning, but I would like to see more in order to understand
where you are taking this story. *thumbs up* :D
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Post by HELLFIRE »

Ahh, a new inductee to our hallowed hall of FMP! writers :-D Interesting beginning indeed MizChidori...
any insights you want to spoil as to where you plan to take this?














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Post by Miz~Chidori »

Hehe, the first three chapters are actually written and beta-ed.. still working out the next chapters. So you'll hopefully be seeing more soon GT :D

Thanks for the welcome HELLFIRE and both reviews are encouraging :-D Hms, spoilers.. welp, MJP is my beta and I'm sure the poor guy is confused as sin concerning where this fic is heading..

The general jist, combining the powers of the Whispered as potrayed in the series & novel, since there appear to be two seperate approaches Chidori takes.. as the title suggests, this is mostly Chidori's story - we've already seen Sousuke's battle in Wind Rises in the Homeland, so this is a look at Chidori's battle - lots of things going on.. she is at the Mithril base afterall ;) .. what it's like to be a Whispered.. the quotes insure I don't go too OOC..

Hms, it might be easier to just post the next chapter for ya ;)
.. plus, spoilers ruin all the fun, ne?

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Post by Wild Goose »

Whoo. not bad.

This is actually getting me all fired up to try write this FMP idea I had...
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Post by Miz~Chidori »

Go for it Wild Goose! :-D

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Post by Anysia »

...wow. MJP was right--you ARE an extremely promising new addition to the fandom.

Your characterization of Kaname is absolutely dead-on; honestly, I can't remember the last time I said that to a FMP author, since most of them tend to overexaggerate Kaname's violent tendencies and/or turn her into a clearly-lobotomized squeeing fangirl who falls all over herself in order to get Sousuke's attention. Ick. But here, you've perfectly written her self-doubt and internal misgivings. Excellent job on that front.

In a more general stylistic sense, you're also doing very well. The general mood of this chapter is mysterious and suspenseful with an underlying theme of menace, suggesting that something dangerous will occur in later chapters (unless my foreshadowing sense is as rusty as I sometimes think it is...). The chapter end is more of a tease than a cliffhanger, serving to intrigue the reader about where you're taking this. Again, the mystery/suspense combo is very powerful and well-executed.

I'd also like to fangirl you for flawlessly executing the Normal Kaname vs. Whispered Kaname internal struggle. I love that! Too few authors really examine the Whispered angle in-depth, and those that do tend to, well, suck.

And, according to your profile, you're German? Damn, my first-semester German professor was right; you guys do speak flawless English. There were a few very, very minor mechanical errors, but with MJP as your beta, I'm sure those will soon be nonexistent. He's very, very good.

*heads over to Chapter Two* :)
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Post by Tsushima Masaki »

I liked this introduction. Like one of those recurring ominous dreams. This has a lot of possibilities and the directions are promising.

I'm afraid I can't offer much technical advice or opinions. Are you planning on taking this on the tragic or mystery route, because that's the idea I got from this.

But this was a nice way to start the show and it was lucid.

I'll read chapter 2 either now or... when I wake up!
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Post by Miz~Chidori »

Anysia wrote:And, according to your profile, you're German? Damn, my first-semester German professor was right; you guys do speak flawless English. There were a few very, very minor mechanical errors, but with MJP as your beta, I'm sure those will soon be nonexistent. He's very, very good.
As much as I'd like to blame nationality for my poor excuse for grammer, I am not actually German. I am a military brat whose father is stationed here & I am visiting for the duration of the summer. My grammer is outrageous.

I am new to the whole beta process, but MJP has been a tremendous help. I can't thank him enough. And I can't thank you enough for the kind words. I'm afraid that you'll find more and more grammer mistakes as the chapters continue, and it's not MJP's fault at all. I don't think even he can catch all of the grammer flaws.

I certainly hope that you and MJP aren't ganging up on me. ;) :-P

The characterization of Chidori is mostly taken from what I read in the manga and a lot of my own personality. However, the danger with taking from life experiences is going OOC. To ensure that I don't, I try to take a quote from the series and include it in the situation in the chapter. I haven't read other fics on Full Metal Panic with the exception of one becuase I would like this to be an original story. I'm really glad to see that you see a difference in this story than others you have read. I can't tell you how nervous I was about this being my first fic and posting it. Thank you Anysia.

~

Thank you for taking the time to read my fic TM. Especially when it is very centric on the character that it is.

Hmm, without giving too much away, let's just say this will be a journey of self growth. With a sci-fi/rom rating, I hope that there will be mystery concerning the power she has.. but as far as tragic.. let's just say it won't be like GSD. :P

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Post by Anysia »

Miz~Chidori wrote:As much as I'd like to blame nationality for my poor excuse for grammer, I am not actually German. I am a military brat whose father is stationed here & I am visiting for the duration of the summer.
My apologies for the confusion... ^^;
Miz~Chidori wrote:I'm afraid that you'll find more and more grammer mistakes as the chapters continue, and it's not MJP's fault at all. I don't think even he can catch all of the grammer flaws.
Well, even he needs beta-readers (I'm actually one of them, at least when I actually bother to do anything fic related, be it writing, beta-reading, reading in general...), so I can say that he does occasionally slip up himself. :-P
Miz~Chidori wrote:I certainly hope that you and MJP aren't ganging up on me. ;) :-P
On the contrary; in fact, when we discuss good FMP authors versus...well, bad FMP authors over at my LJ, MJP's always quick to mention your name, and IIRC, he sent me an e-mail once recommending this fic. Damn, I wish I still had it.

But there is this LJ discussion which, though horribly off-topic within about ten seconds, does include mentions of your writing potential. :)
Miz~Chidori wrote:The characterization of Chidori is mostly taken from what I read in the manga and a lot of my own personality.
Personality? You too, huh? ;)
Miz~Chidori wrote:I'm really glad to see that you see a difference in this story than others you have read.
Yes--it's very well-written and perfectly characterized. I know of...hmm...maybe four or five authors total writing for the fandom that can do that.
Miz~Chidori wrote:I can't tell you how nervous I was about this being my first fic and posting it. Your words really mean a lot to me Anysia.
You're welcome. I remember how terrified I was when I posted my first fic two years ago, and the first review was so nice that it really helped to give me the drive to continue, as utterly corny as that sounds. I doubt you're anywhere near as hard on your fics as I am, but playing the waiting game with that first fic is always hell on earth. If I can do anything to encourage you to continue this fic, hey, I'm completely open. :)
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Post by Miz~Chidori »

Anysia wrote:My apologies for the confusion... ^^;
Absolutely not a problem Anysia, my life is a very confusing one ^_~ as soon as I figure it out, I'll let you know.
Anysia wrote:On the contrary; in fact, when we discuss good FMP authors versus...well, bad FMP authors over at my LJ, MJP's always quick to mention your name, and IIRC, he sent me an e-mail once recommending this fic. Damn, I wish I still had it.

But there is this LJ discussion which, though horribly off-topic within about ten seconds, does include mentions of your writing potential.
Poor MJP! I just recently got back to him on betaing his work... and here he is complementing :blush: Eh, I so owe him -big- time for all of his work and the rediculously long emails he entertains :-D

Funny discussion! I have a LJ too - not terribly interesting and sorely neglected. But if you are interested, feel free to PM.
Anysia wrote:Personality? You too, huh? ;)
Yessem :D ... to a degree. More so eternal... that's why this fic is looking at the Whispered slant.
Anysia wrote:Yes--it's very well-written and perfectly characterized. I know of...hmm...maybe four or five authors total writing for the fandom that can do that.
:blush: Well, that's definitely a hard standard to live up to.
Things have come up lately that are blocking the continuation of this story. Besides my own self-criticism, life has gotten in the way atm. I know where I ultimately want to go with this fic... it's just getting there that's so darn hard.
Anysia wrote:as utterly corny as that sounds.
Hehe, that doesn't sound corny at all. I'm concerned about what people might think of my work (just ask MJP) and was never going to post it outside of my own little world. It was a discussion with a friend that resulted in it's posting at FFN... thanks, that reminds me, I never did fulfill my promise to hurt her.
I doubt you're anywhere near as hard on your fics as I am, but playing the waiting game with that first fic is always hell on earth. If I can do anything to encourage you to continue this fic, hey, I'm completely open. :D
My personality requires being quite hard on myself about everything. This being my first fic... can't tell you how many times it's been reread, revamped and possibly discarded.

:D I very well might have to take you up on that offer.

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Post by marauder_09 »

That chapter u just wrote, it is very good and I'm really impress of the way u described kaname's encounter with the Whispery voice. It'd b cool if u helped with FMP movies.

To be honest, I didn't watch volume six or seven yet so I don't mind reading something that will spoil me. Again, ur writing skills r superb. I would say 2 thumbs up for this chapter. :-D
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