The unfinished story

[Esyla]

okay so here is the deal.
i have figured out that spending all my time writing an fmp fic will not make any head way into the publishing world. so i have started to focous my time on a new story. i know that it has nothing to do with fmp. but i figure it being a fantasy that most of you would enjoy it. or at least give me some pointers. i also need some one to be asking for more so um.... any suggestions you can make would be great.
i am only going to post most of what i have so far.
i am really behind on this one.

Esyla
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The moon hung high in the sky that night. The hero’s had found a refuge in a small hut in the village. But they would not be safe for long. The enemy knew where they were and they would tear the village and its inhabitants to shreds before letting them get away. Adrian looked at his now broken sword. It was broken. All was lost there was no way that…..


“Wait a second.” Connor stopped reading mid sentence and gave Amber a dirty look. “You can’t do that to the main character. With out his sword they wont be able to defeat the evil war lord, who might I add you have not revealed the identity of yet.” Connor hated when Amber left him hanging. That wasn’t true this wasn’t a cliffhanger but it was just as evil. Connor had been reading Amber’s stories since she had moved to his town and was now accustomed to having plot points being changed on him, but this was a new low.

“Who says?” Amber teased flicking her dark auburn hair around so that it was to one side. “Have you forgotten about the Moon Priestess? Conner Williams, I am appalled! I thought that you, my most respected critic would not forget such an important figure in the story.” Her eyes flickered with the familiar sings that she was fully enjoying this. Amber in truth had amber colored eyes, which were the reason for her name. And the rest of her seemed to glow with a similar color. Her hair and skin shone with a golden tone that was unmistakable. But never did she shine as brightly as when she was explaining her stories to Connor.

“I knew that…maybe.” Connor turned his head in shame. This was a truly embarrassing moment. What made it worse was Connors lack of lead-role-ism. Connor had read countless amounts of Amber’s short and long stories. During which one thing had become clear. He lacked all that made a lead role, meaning that his life would always be that of a B character. Amber had explained this to him many times. She had said that is one of the reasons he was a good reference. Because B class character catch on to stuff a lot faster than the lead, still it hurt Connor to know that he was no hero.

“Well then, I will leave you to finish this and talk to you later tonight. I have to go meet Derek at the back parking lot, by now he is probably really mad at me. Tah!” With that Amber ran off in the direction of the schools athletic parking lot. Connor sat on the bench in the main commons of his school staring at the paper in front of him. He had been reading this story for almost a year now and it should be coming to a close. But from what Amber was writing it seemed that no end was insight. The only thing that upset him more than the heroes not winning was Derek. There was not one thing in particular that annoyed Connor about Derek. It was something that he couldn’t explain which only made the situation worse. He had tried to stop Amber from hanging out with Derek but his expiation as to why had only caused Amber to laugh hysterically.

The school felt different now that every one was gone. The only people remaining were the athletes who all had already headed to the gym area. Connor sat in the cold empty space feeling alone as ever. The commons was not a welcoming place when it was empty. The uninviting benches seemed to look menacing in there surroundings of title and brick.

“Hey Corner! Are you coming or not?” yelled a rather of developed boy from down the athletics hallway. The boy looked as though he might pop at any minute with his muscles that were clearly not un-enhanced. Connor sighed, his new partner still was unable to say his name correctly.

“I’m coming I was just reading something.” Connor pulled his body from the rigid bench feeling his muscles sting from discomfort. But Connor new the discomfort was the tip of the iceberg. He would feel a thousand times worse in about thirty minutes.

“Oh, one of those stories that the girl you always talk about writes. What was her name again, Maple something.” The big guy might have been strong but his brain was far slower than his 40-yard dash time.

“Close, Has, real close. But that’s not the important thing, what we need to talk about is what the work out will be today.” Connor didn’t really want to know what he as going to be put through but it was better to know than be surprised. Has’s face lit up like the tan lap he sat under more than he needed to.

“I talked to the coach and you will be with me and the rest of the football team in pre-season work out. It’s going to be grueling today, we have our first game in less than a month so the work out will nearly kill half of the new guys.” Has spouted. Connor would have much rather not participated in such a work out, he would rather be home creating another one his computer programs. It was too late now to quit so Connor had to go along with it.

“Sounds like I will barely live to see tomorrow.” Connor mumbled under his breath.

“But I thought that you wanted to get in shape and be in really good shape. That’s what coach said.” Has was trying to walk and talk, not one of his better talents and the words fumbled in his mouth.

“Your right, I do want to be able to do this stuff.” And with that Connor turned down the next hallway. The commons was now completely empty; or was it? A woman cloaked in shadow appeared from behind one of the pillars in the commons. Her face was masked by the shadow from her cloak but it was easy to see a wide and seemingly cunning smile on her face. And then she was gone just as mysterious as she had come.



Amber had raced as fast as her legs carried to the back parking lot. She had tried her best not to break a sweat but that had been a failure. Amber wiped the little perspiration on her forehead before stepping outside. The parking lot was a gain space of land. It was only slightly smaller than the parking lot at the local mall. The wind was stronger now that only the small twigs of trees prevented it. A lone car was still parked halfway down the main lane. It was a black SUV that had a threatening look sitting alone, like a lone panther in a deserted field. The boy the leaned against it was much less threatening. His blond mane hung gently in his eyes. Eyes so bright they outshined the sun. His fair complexion made him appear to shine with a white brilliance. Derek did not live up to the sound of his name. Rather than a dark hair, dark eyes, dark skin complexion like Connor, Derek had the complete opposite.

The wind kicked up spraying Amber’s hair to the air. As she brushed it aside she could see that Derek was staring off into the distance. Derek had dreams of doing something great, although he had never told Amber what they were. When Derek saw her coming out of the corner of his eye a brilliant smile lit up his face. Acting as gentleman-like as possible Derek opened the passenger door for Amber.

“What took you so long?” Derek inquired as Amber slid into the seat.

“I had to talk to Connor, sorry I took so long.” Amber swooned.

“Tell me again why you talk to that loser?” Derek pealed out of the parking lot going way above the speed limit.

“Because he is my best friend, that’s why.” Amber didn’t like that Derek hated Connor and that Connor hated Derek. Neither would explain why the other was worth hating. “So, what is this surprise you were talking about?” Amber chimed hopping that the change of subject would keep Derek in good spirits.

“It’s a surprise, that means I cant tell you.” Derek had a rather gleeful smile on his face as he slammed on the accelerator through a yellow light. Amber daydreamed until she saw what part of town they were in. she looked over a Derek but he just smiled. Amber was unsure why they would be in the “rip off” section of town. The only thing that was around there was tattoo shops, fortunetellers and naughty shops. Amber breathed a sigh of relief when they pulled up to a fortuneteller shop. It was one of the older buildings in town, which was a big statement seeing as they were on the east coast. The windows of the shop were dusty and all sorts of odd items hung in the window. Some kids had painted faces and sayings on the crumbling brick. Amber looked over a Derek feeling very uncomfortable.

“Not what I would normally do for a surprise.” Amber trembled feeling much more out of place than normal. She had a sense that she did not belong that she could never shake off. But now standing in front of such a shop in a part of town that she only drove through it necessary Amber felt a sense of foreboding.

“That surprises me, I thought that you were totally into all that sixth sense and supernatural hype.” Derek joked holding the door open for Amber. There was a glint in his eye that scared Amber more than she was willing to say.

“That’s true, but I prefer to do it in the safety of my own home.” Amber coughed breathing in the stale air of the shop. The bell that had rung when Derek had opened the door echoed through the store, a woman emerged from the back room to stand behind the counter. She had flowing silver hair that shone like the moon and gray eyes that seemed to peer into your soul with a single gaze. She wore a brightly colored shawl over her rather plain dress. But out of all of this it was her necklace that caught Amber’s eye. It was a medallion that had a dazzling inscription of the moon. Amber nearly gasped at the sight of it.

“So you have finally arrived my dear.” The woman sang, her voice like that of a thousand bells but with a strong undertone of a bull ready to charge.

“YOU!” Derek screamed. “What are you doing here and where is the sun priestess? What have you done with her you witch?” Derek was not himself. This was not the boy she had met month ago at her job in an ice cream place. The boy standing next to her was the son of a warlord and a menace to an entire people. Ambers eyes grew wide, she felt like the floor had dropped out from under her. The villain of her story was standing in front of her, and so was the goddess of the hero’s. She ran for the door wanting this episode to end. But Amber did not get very far a giant hand garbed her wrist only before she reached the door. “Now we wouldn’t want you to leave before the real fun started now would we.” Derek said in a voice so evil that half a country fears it alone. His eyes were ablaze with hatred. Amber gulped hard, this was not good.

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coments an suggests are really needed. please!

[IDOLO]

It's pretty Good.
The plot is abit confusing though...

But I like your descriptive of the characters.V indepth.

But Normally the draw of writting in a fan fiction forum is that the characters and the settings of the story are already written down.

You write good but the plot isn't enough to draw attention to us otaku fanboys.All we want is more FMP(most of the time).

Anyway it still is a keeper, better than the junk i have.

Keep on going!!!

BTW would you like to take a look at my 1st and sole production Uruz 7 is Down!!! I would like some advice.You seem better than me at writng:)

[Esyla]

yeah i relised that nobody would really like it.
but if any one knows of a site for story posting i would love that.

sure i can take a look at it.
there is no plot yet because i am setting it up
as soon as i figure out how i am going to explain one of the major ideas then the plot will form.

i think i remeber looking at your story.
is it the one where Sousoke leaves or some thing or other?

[tiptoe39]

Try fictionpress.net. It's run by the guys who do fanfiction.net

Have your work copy edited first. There's an error in the first sentence and that makes me want to stop reading already - you don't want that sort of reaction from people.

(Can you find the error?)

tippy

[Esyla]

error?
i dont see any!
i mean for it to be that way.

[Kelek]

Methinks Tiptoe was referring to the error in the second sentence.

[Esyla]

okay
if you just tell me
then i would be able to find it
we are talk about a dislexic person here. i do not do well with these mind games.
just tell me!

[tiptoe39]

I'd be happy to enlighten.

Never use an apostrophe to indicate plural, only possession.

The heroes, not the hero's (shudder).

To be fair, the rest of it looks pretty decent so far. But if you pick up the new book about punctuation, "Eats, Shoots & Leaves," the first thing she does is complain about apostrophes being used to indicate plural, as in "CD's and Book's For Sale." That sort of thing makes a copy editor like myself shudder and run for cover. :-)

tippy

[Esyla]

but there is no '
i looked
there isnt

[Belisarius]

Damn good, Esyla. May need some explaining about the characters, but that's me.

But I do like it.

[Esyla]

okay i will explain.
Amber writes stories. she has been working on this one for about a year and is at a bit of a writer block.
Conner is her best friend who has a crush on her but has never said anything although she knows.
Derek is acctualy the son of the warlord in Ambers book. he has come to reality to try and help his fathers cause in the war against the moon people.
general idea of her story. the sun people are this giant kingdom that has taken over pertty much everything.
the moon people are the wizards, wolf people, vampires, and preistess that worship the moon. they have a greater magical advantage to the sun people, but the sun people have greater numbers.
does that help any?

[Kashim]

Hello, Esyla. I noticed your story in the fanfiction section, and i assume you still want reviews. It has a very unique storyline, but it seems rushed. i would reccomend that you put in more description of surroundings and the settings. also, it can be confusing at times. time and patience can resolve these problems. Please keep in mind that this is constructive criticism and i intended no harm or anguish. I was intrigued by your story, and would like to see more if possible.

[Esyla]

yeah i know that its a little um... vaugh and rushed.
when i write i write the plot and basic ideas out first.
then i go bit through bit and add all the (this is what my mom calls it) fluff.
dont worry
no hard feelings
i have worse critics. (my brother)

[Kashim]

thanks for understanding. i hope i can see more of this, amber seems to be a good character.