SOUSUKE SAGARA: The Complete Owner's Manual

[Wild Goose]

A fic inspired by Hikari Hraih-rah, and lazy-authress. no permission given. what the heck, here goes: it ought to be good for a few laughs. ^_^

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Congratulations! You are now the proud owner of a fully-automated SOUSUKE SAGARA unit! To insure you get the full use and benefits of your brand-new military otaku, please pay close attention to the following instructions:

Basic Information:

Name: Sousuke Sagara (also known as Sosukay Segar, Souklay Sagalu, Urzu-7, Kashim)

Date of Manufacture: 1985

Place of Manufacture: Somewhere in Japan, exact location unknown.

Height: 174cm

Weight: 66kg

Length: Not Applicable.

Your SOUSUKE SAGARA comes with the following accessories:

One set of olive drab fatigues

One set of Mithril Class A Dress Uniform

One set of Jindai High School Winter uniform

One set of Jindai High School Summer uniform

One pair brown shoes

One pair black combat boots

One set of AS pilotsuit

One Glock 26 9mm pistol

One box (100 rounds) of 9mm rubber bullets

Six boxes (600 rounds) of 9mm hollowpoint ammo

One ton of various assorted grenades (equally shared between concussion, fragmentation, white phosphorus, smoke, and stun grenades)

When opening the box for the first time, your SOUSUKE SAGARA may suddenly tackle you to the floor and draw his Glock. This is normal, he's only trying to protect you. Reassuring him of the location's OPSEC should put him at ease temporarily... at least, until he beefs up your current security. Having deep fried Trident snacks or protein bars on hand will calm him down.

Programming:

The SOUSUKE SAGARA is an all-purpose soldier with many different talents. While at first he may perform all these talents without the need for much compensation, after a while he will start attempting to assert greater independance in choosing which of these talents to exercise. (He may even undertake pro bono work).

Specialist: The Primary function of your SOUSUKE SAGARA. He is a Specialist in many forms of warfare: urban combat, CQC, guerilla warfare, artic warfare, demolitions, sniping, setting traps, surveillance, and Arm Slave piloting. Hire out your Sousuke Sagara to any mercenary organization, and let the cash roll in. (We recommend honorable institutions such as Mithril). Alternatively, he can act as a consultant for various security firms.

Bodyguard: Under threat of kidnapping? Need someone to defend your virtue? The SOUSUKE SAGARA is a highly conscientious bodyguard, and will engage any persons he deems to be threats to you, including overzealous would-be suitors. His methods may be somewhat questionable, but he gets the job done!

Medic: As a Specialist, the SOUSUKE SAGARA is trained in the healing arts, able to quickly and efficiently care for any wounded on the scene. His penchant for carrying weapons means that this is one Paramedic who won't be jumped by gangs. (Note: A better choice for a medical specialist would be our DOCTOR GOLDMERRY unit, sold separately).

Benefactor: your SOUSUKE SAGARA unit is good at earning money for mercenary jobs well done. As he has very simple needs, you can almost always borrow cash from him.

Weapons designer: Because of his links to arms dealers, the SOUSUKE SAGARA can invent various high-tech weapons, such as the Bonta-kun mini-AS/powered suit. Unfortunately, you're not going to see much demand for these items, because of how ridiculous they look.

Your SOUSUKE SAGARA comes with 7 modes:

Serious (Default setting)

Relaxed

Protective

Tense

Suicidal

Depressed

Enraged

Please note that the Serious, Relaxed, Tense and Suicidal modes are interchangable in the space of seconds: in addition, the Suicidal mode corresponds closely with the Serious, Depressed and Enraged modes.

Serious is the default mode: in this mode, the SOUSUKE SAGARA is constantly on the lookout for targets and approaches daily life as a mission to be accomplished. He will also introduce himself as a Sergeant, before correcting himself.

Relaxed mode takes effect when your SOUSUKE SAGARA has completed his current missions, is well-fed and rested, and in the presence of a KANAME CHIDORI unit or both a KURZ WEBER and a MELISSA MAO unit. In this state, the SOUSUKE SAGARA is still alert for threats, but will not be waving his Glock around at random strangers.

Protective mode occurs when the SOUSUKE SAGARA has formed a bond with a KANAME CHIDORI unit or with you: in this instance, he will do everything in his power to ensure the safety of his subject, including giving presents of flashbang earrings and transmitter bracelets.

Tense mode occurs when the SOUSUKE SAGARA has incurred the wrath of the KANAME CHIDORI unit or is in the presence of superior officers, or in a highly serious life-or-death situation.

Suicidal mode can occur with the Serious, Enraged and Depressed modes simultaneously: this is caused by the SOUSUKE SAGARA unit feeling it has been pointed into a corner, or has lost his guiding light, or the near-death of a teammate.

Depressed is when the SOUSUKE SAGARA feels useless: in this state, not only will he rebuff any advances, but he will also mope around.

Enraged is manifested by shouting, anger, and slamming fists against the floor, wall, or any nearby flat surface. Normally triggered by an encounter with a GAURON unit, part of the Villians collection. It is not wise to provoke a SOUSUKE SAGARA in this state.

The SOUSUKE SAGARA does not have a Slash/yaoi setting, and if propositioned, will take steps to castrate the offender and begin a jihad to rid the world of such persons.

Relations with other units:

Your SOUSUKE SAGARA is rather serious, but can get along with a fair number of compatible units. However, relations with the following units MUST be closely monitored and supervised.

GAURON: A deadly mercenary, believed to be from Cambodia, and an Amalgram agent, the GAURON unit will constantly adress your SOUSUKE SAGARA as "Kashim", and will attempt to kill your SOUSUKE SAGARA and those dear to him, as well as harbor sick perverted fantasies about your SOUSUKE SAGARA unit. Your SOUSUKE SAGARA unit has a "Kill on sight" policy shared with our ANDREY KALININ unit.

LEONARD TESTAROSSA: The current leader of Amalgram, and a skilled AS pilot in his own right, the LEONARD TESSTAROSSA unit is a rephrensible terrorist. As the SOUSUKE SAGARA abhors terrorists, he will engage the LEONARD TESSTAROSSA unit at his own discretion.

ISSEI TSUBAKI: A cook and Karate exponent, who will challenge your SOUSUKE SAGARA unit for the affections of any nearby KANAME CHIDORI units. Your SOUSUKE SAGARA unit will incur his wrath by innocently destroying challenge letters, and not showing up for challenges, as well as using assorted weapons against the ISSEI TSUBAKI's henchmen.

Other unit relations:

KURZ WEBER: The KURZ WEBER is German, a flirt, a perverted bastard, and a beer drinker. He is also a godly shot with a sniper rifle, and occasionnaly sprouts words of relational wisdom to your SOUSUKE SAGARA - interspoed with teasing, that is. The KURZ WEBER unit also works very well with your SOUSUKE SAGARA in setting ambushes and completing missions, and will not leave your SOUSUKE SAGARA to die.

MELISSA MAO: A hard drinking, trash talking NCO, the MELISSA MAO is the superior officer to your SOUSUKE SAGARA. He will obey all orders from her without too much questioning, despite her teasing of him. Warning: if a MELISSA MAO unit is severly wounded, your SOUSUKE SAGARA may enter Depressed mode. (Note: if you wish to have a near-invincible squad of mercenaries, purchase the MELISSA MAO unit to lead a KURZ WEBER unit and your SOUSUKE SAGARA unit).

KANAME CHIDORI: a Jindai High School student, and Class Rep. If the SOUSUKE SAGARA is getting too overboard, the KANAME CHIDORI unit will take it upon herself to 'nurture' the SOUSUKE SAGARA in civilised behaviour, often with a harisen. This is the fated pair to the SOUSUKE SAGARA unit, and he will protect her at any cost to himself. Prolonged exposure to a KANAME CHIDORI unit will cause the SOUSUKE SAGARA unit to behave more normally, and at a certain point, your unit will announce his feelings for the KANAME CHIDORI unit. Unfortunately, he will tell you, not her, and so she will be clueless.

SHINJI KAZAMA: A student in Class 2-B, the SHINJI KAZAMA unit and your SOUSUKE SAGARA unit will become good friends due to their interest in Arm Slaves, and will happily talk the night away discussing various Arm Slave settings and parts.

ANDREY KALININ: Your SOUSUKE SAGARA unit will look up to the ANDREY KALININ unit as a mentor/father-figure, and will normally enter a Relaxed-Serious mode in the presence of this unit. The ANDREY KALININ will attempt to spur the emotional development of your SOUSUKE SAGARA... not that he knows what his superior officer is doing. Your SOUSUKE SAGARA also has total faith in the ANDREY KALININ unit - he will believe the ANDREY KALININ unit to be invincible.

RICHARD MARDUKAS: A middle-aged worrywart of an officer, with high standards of conduct. Your SOUSUKE SAGARA automatically enters Tense mode in the presence of this unit - prolonged exposure is not recommended.

TELETHA TESTAROSSA: A Whispered genius, like the KANAME CHIDORI unit, and also harbors affections towards the SOUSUKE SAGARA unit. At first, the SOUSUKE SAGARA will be Tense in her presence, but prologed exposure to the TELETHA TESTAROSSA will lead to a Relaxed state in her presence.

Cleaning: Your SOUSUKE SAGARA understands the importance of hygiene and will clean himself and his clothes appropriately. Should you wish to give him a proper haircut, have a KANAME CHIDORI do so. It is reccommended that you give your SOUSUKE SAGARA a thourough cleansing once a week, however - if only to get rid of the smell of gunpowder. Do not attempt to wash your SOUSUKE SAGARA unit yourself. Do not tumble dry unit. Hang out on line to dry.

ENERGY:

Your SOUSUKE SAGARA is a Specialist, and needs to eat. He will eat a normal 3 square meals a day, though he can often make do with much less and still remain combat capable. Do not worry, he can find MREs for himself or hunt his own food. If he isn't acting to otaku, a nearby KANAME CHIDORI unit may prepare food for him - your SOUSUKE SAGARA will graciously accept any food from her.

Frequently Asked Questions:

Q: all of a sudden, my SOUSUKE SAGARA has become depressed and is suicidal. What gives?

A: He must have been overexposed to a GAURON unit, who taunted him with the supposed death of a KANAME CHIDORI unit. To solve this matter, have the nearest KANAME CHIDORI unit knock some sense into him with a harisen. That'll clear things up.

Q: My SOUSUKE SAGARA is acting really tense and nervous around my KANAME CHIDORI unit, and he's sweating bullets. Is this normal?

A: Yes, it's normal. He must have done something bad... either way, he knows that he's in trouble. Your best bet is to leave the two of them alone and hope for the best. If the KANAME CHIDORI and SOUSUKE SAGARA units have expressed their mutual feelings for each other, they'll be fine… Once they have a cold shower, that is.

Q: I have a KANAME CHIDORI unit and I’ve been trying to set her up with my SOUSUKE SAGARA unit. How long does it take for them to get together?

A: On average, it usually takes anything from 3 months to the better part of a year before a KANAME CHIDORI will view a SOUSUKE SAGARA as a friend. Romantically speaking… it’ll take an average of about 1.5 years to about 2 years or so. If you wish for your KANAME CHIDORI unit and SOUSUKE SAGARA unit to become an item faster, have either a GAURON or a LEONARD TESTAROSSA unit kidnap her, allowing your SOUSUKE SAGARA unit to rescue her and play hero.

Troubleshooting:

Problem: Your SOUSUKE SAGARA is shouting that "Kashim" is dead and calling unseen people "shithead".

Solution: let him be for a while, as he's just killed for the 3rd time an annoyingly persistent GAURON unit. Recovery is faster in the presence of a KANAME CHIDORI unit, KURZ WEBER unit, a MELISSA MAO unit, an ANDREY KALININ unit, or a TELETHA TESTAROSSA unit.

Problem: You SOUSUKE SAGARA wants to quit whatever he is doing and stay close to a KANAME CHIDORI unit.

Solution: yep, he's finally fallen for her, as is his in-built programming. Don't worry, after a while, he'll work out a part-time job deal that will enable him to earn money and protect KANAME CHIDORI.

With proper care and training, your SOUSUKE SAGARA will lead a semi-peaceful and normal life... just make sure you have good insurance. (It is recommended that you also purchase a KANAME CHIDORI unit if you wish to keep property damage to a minimum).

[Teletha Testarosa]

har har har

[HELLFIRE]

XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD

WHOOOOOO!!! BRILLIANT Wild Goose!! SIMPLY BRILLIANT!!!
Think you'll try manuals for the other FMP!(F) characters?













Regards

[Chief Petty Officer Klerk]

LOL

Is there gonna be a manual for Kyouko? (please)

[Wild Goose]

*grins*

TT: Thank you very much - actually, this is the first draft, and for a 1st draft, it's not bad, eh? ^_^

HELLFIRE: Yep, I'm gonna do manuals for other FMP charecters. Currently, my next project is Kaname, and then...hmmm, who to do next....

CPOK: Kyoko? *thinks* Why not? Sure, next up wil be Kyoko.

So, next manuals will be for the KANAME CHIDORI unit and then the KYOKO TOKIWA unit. Stay tuned, folks!

[Chief Petty Officer Klerk]

CPOK: Kyoko? *thinks* Why not? Sure, next up wil be Kyoko.

Thanks Wild Goose-sama

[Wild Goose]

Just a note, I've fine-tuned the manual and added another listing to the FAQ section. Check it out. ^_^

[Weltall Elite]

If the KANAME CHIDORI and SOUSUKE SAGARA units have expressed their mutual feelings for each other, they'll be fine… Once they have a cold shower, that is.

Or for fun, cut off the water to the house and let the good times roll.

[rica_vanessa]

very funny

[Geshron Tyler]

Not bad, muchly amusing. I would point out though, that Leonard does not
seem to be the leader of Amalgam (not Amalgram), at least not "officially". It would appear that "Mr. Silver" answers to "Mr. Gold", who I believe to be the current (as of the end of DVMC) leader of Amalgam.

[reinselft]

The SOUSUKE SAGARA does not have a Slash/yaoi setting, and if propositioned, will take steps to castrate the offender and begin a jihad to rid the world of such persons.

*thumbs up*

[Pyrite]

Don't forget the Fumoffu submachine gun... among others. Hope to see more. (I don't know if permission still needs to be asked, though.)

[dd]

great stuff

[Wild Goose]

So, I got a review on FF.net for the user guide. Here it is (along with my reply to him):

Yo! Gambit 22!

I'm Wild Goose, and I'd like to thank you for your review of my FMP fic, even if it was kinda harsh - but that's okay, I'm a Malaysian. We got thick skins.

In your review, you wrote:

"This just didn't many creative jokes to even make me smile. You had a lot of Sousuke and Kaname realtionship jokes, but there are so overused, that there just not funny anymore, like here. "

Okay, now that that's out of the way. Creative jokes... well, it's supposed to be a parody of an instruction manual, so I'm not too sure how to fit jokes into those. (This is also my only my second humor piece - cut me some slack!) As for Sousuke/Kaname relationship jokes.. well, I was just telling it the way I see it. *shrugs*

"At the very least I want to say your idea is original, but you told us that you got the idea from someone else. "

I was not aware that fanfiction had to be 100% original. Almost all fanfics borrow from SOMETHING. Heck, look at Gundam SEED and how much stuff comes from UC Gundam and the other Gundams before it. *shrugs* Anyhow, there's nothing wrong with borrwing a concept, is there?

"Also, the list at the very top of what comes with him is long and borring to read. You could have either added something to make it more interesting or just cut it out all together."

I'm sorry, but I don't get it. First you tell me that the list is long and boring. Then, you tell me that I could have "added something to make it more interesting". What gives? And what exactly do you mean when you say that I could have "added something to make it more interesting"? The only way I can improve on this is if you specifically tell me what was wrong with it.

Anyways, here's the profile of Hikari Hrair-Rah, whom I got the concept from: http://www.fanfiction.net/u/288520/

And a number of Hikari's fics, which inspired my Sousuke User guide:

Kenshin: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/1746285/1/

Hiko Seijuro: Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/1977431/1/

From the way that you described yourself, I'm wondering: are you indending to be the new incarnation of the (now-defunct) Fanfic Yakuza? I ask this because I note that your style is similar to that of the Yakuza stalwarts, back in the day... one of your fave author's is Blue Taboo, of the Darkscribes - how'd you know her? Intersting - Blue and I are members of the Darkscribes Forums. Link to that in my profile. Drop by, you'll prolly fit in right well.

Anyways, thanks again for your review, and for the points you've mentioned.

I hope to hear from you soon.

Wild Goose.

Makes me wonder about people there. In his profile, he says that he's part of the Cold Hearted Bastard review group...........Shades of the Fanfic Yakuza, it sounds like. The guy hasn't even written a fic of his own, and his profile is one large chunk, no grammar or line breaks... and his favorite author is Blue Taboo.

Weltall & Pyrite know her, I leave it at that. Suffice to say that Ms. Blue and I don't get a long very well - if he likes her work and her, he's suspect in my book.

Of course, it could only be exam stress getting to me... argh. Bastard. the first person who's given a bad review for my stuff. I wonder if he bothered to read my Gatekeepers fics...

[Weltall Elite]

It's a review, Goose. A review to a gag joke no less. Not like you were writing your opus and he slandered your vision. I doubt you were aiming to put out a best-selling novel with it in the first place. I'm not really sure why you posted it on FFN in the first place but forget about the guy. Don't let things like that get to you.

As an author, part of progressing is refining your own style of writing. The other part is knowing what feedback will help you and what won't. I didn't think this was supposed to be a serious literary effort on your part, but I'll let you decide what to pick from your reviews to help you.

As for BT, she's a relatively competent writer. You have to set what you think of her personality when judging someone who likes her work. I'm not sure why she'd be anyone's favorite author since she never seemed to stand out to me, but maybe she's gotten better since she started Zelda fics, or maybe there's just a low level of competition. >_<

In any case, try not to let things like this get to you.