[FIC] Dazed and Confused - Chapter 3

[Ariane]

Chapter 3


“Sousuke, I’m so excited that you’re staying over tonight!” Shinji was bouncing up and down the aisles of the video store, arms laden with potential choices. I had been caught off guard when he suggested the get-together, but as Kaname was staying over Kyouko’s house and there was no way I would be infiltrating that secret meeting, I had agreed.

“Yes,” I mumbled, my eyes scanning the ‘new releases.’ “It certainly is a titillating prospect.”

“Titillating?” I looked over to see Shinji screwing up his face in apparent confusion.

“Did I misuse that?” I furrowed my brow, thoroughly doubting that I had mistaken the word’s meaning.

Shinji sighed, straightening the DVDs in his arms. “Have you been reading the dictionary again? Why do you do that?”

“It is a very valuable resource,” I said, nodding resolutely. “It seems an extensive vocabulary is very powerful in today’s civilian living situation.”

“Whatever you say,” Shinji sighed, looking over at the movies I had been perusing. “What were you looking at?” His face turned a slight pinkish shade, and he cradled the DVDs in one arm while scratching the back of his head bashfully. “Uh, the movie store won’t let me rent those… unless you have a fake ID, of course.”

I raised an eyebrow, glancing back at the movie. Stacey’s Wild American Adventure seemed like an innocent enough title, and the girl on the front was smiling, wearing a pink dress and holding a lollypop. Why would you need advanced credentials to view such a film? I didn’t even want to rent it anyway; I had actually been looking at a military documentary next to it, but now my curiosity was piqued.

I picked up the case, flipping it over to read the back. I cleared my throat after a moment, hastily placing it back on the shelf. “I… see,” I grumbled, walking briskly into the next aisle. Pornography was something I still did not understand. There were plenty of women everywhere: walking down the street, in restaurants, at school, working, playing, talking, laughing. I often questioned my position as the only male I knew seemingly uninterested in the manufactured sexual goings-on of people that weren’t even real. It just seemed to me that if you really wanted that sort of… stimulation, you might as well go out and talk to real women, right?

I almost groaned at that, resisting the urge to slam myself into one of the DVD wracks. The very thought of speaking to Kaname for the purpose of physical enticement made me highly uncomfortable for the obvious hormonal reasons as well as the mere sense that I didn’t feel Kaname should be exploited in such a way. Truthfully, I didn’t feel any woman, any person, should be. I was especially confused by the grimy nature of most of the men I knew in the military. It just didn’t line up to me… throwing your life on the line to protect women, and then treating them like…

“How about we get the complete Evangelion? We could have a marathon!” Shinji was waving various ideas about. “Or Top Gun, or the latest video reports from JANE, or-“

“You pick,” I said absently, crossing my arms over my chest. Really, it didn’t make any sense at all. You’d think that you would value anything you’d put so much effort into protecting; at least respect it… at least behave with some semblance of honor and restraint.

I followed Shinji to the counter, reaching into my pocket to chip in to the rental. Once we were out of the store and out on the sidewalk, I frowned in thought, enjoying the cool night air against my face.

“What do you think separates humans from animals?” I asked abruptly, suddenly aware that such a question might seem ‘random,’ but really, it fit in with my thought process perfectly.

“Huh?” said Shinji, blinking at me.

“What do you think is the distinguishing factor that makes humans humans, and animals animals?” I said clearly. “Aside from physical differentiations, of course.”

“Well,” Shinji said, weighing his words slowly. “I guess the ability to use tools! I mean, you don’t see zebras walking around with Arm Slaves, do you?”

I nodded in agreement, but that wasn’t really the answer I was looking for. I decided to drop the subject, not wanting to get caught up in the topic at the moment. It would be so easy for me to forget what I’d been thinking about and spend the rest of the night raving about the latest models, but the particular puzzle on my mind was one I wanted to consider more.

I let my mind wander to my earlier musings, pulling up the collar of my jacket to block out some of the wind. The most decorated and honored soldiers were those that seemed to set their own needs aside in order to defend and uphold the general good. Strength, perseverance, and intelligence of the highest order were necessary to become such a soldier. It truly perplexed me that a world in which raw masculinity was admired and the ultimate soldier being the goal of all men, that such deviation from the ideal would be so rampant among citizens.

Isn’t the manly thing to do also the most honorable thing? And isn’t honor achieved through respect? And isn’t respect only gained by giving it first? This seemed common sense to me, and I was at a complete loss as to why so many men, including so many of my fellow soldiers, insisted on such a degrading, ridiculous mode of behavior. Humans insist far too often that they are the superior race of the Earth, but really, you don’t see llamas or whales stealing their female’s underwear in the night, or paying money to see them pose in demeaning fashions, or find pride in the abuse of their mates. At least, not normally.

“In the wild,” I said slowly, “it is standard practice for males to impress females through skills in battle, abilities to build shelter or provide food, and strong physical characteristics. It seems reasonable to expect the same and better from humans, doesn’t it?”

Shinji stopped walking, raising an eyebrow at me. “Uh… what?”

“If the objective of a male life is truly to secure a female comrade and participate in physical reproductive activities, as it seems to be for most of our classmates, doesn’t it stand to reason that the same factors used in the wild could be employed by our own persons, if a little polished and updated?”

Shinji stared at me blankly. Maybe he didn’t get my point.

“Shouldn’t men be working harder on enhancing those characteristics that would attract and sustain females, rather then expending their resources on various momentarily satisfying forms of vice? What if lions spent all their time watching porn? Or hollering at lionesses, or going to lion strip clubs, where would that get them in the long run?”

Shinji’s confusion seemed incurable. “Are you trying to make yourself feel better, since we couldn’t get the porn? Look, I know where my dad’s secret stash is, if you really want-“

I shook my head. “I only feel that if we are truly superior to animals, we should honor that sentiment by behaving as if we were, particularly in the manner with which we treat the other half of the species.”

Shinji rolled his eyes, rounding the street corner as I followed. “Sousuke, you’ve been spending way too much time with Kaname.”


***

“Sousuke, what are you doing here?” Kaname looked blandly up at me, setting down her agenda and her pencil gently down next to it.

“I agree with your cause,” I said firmly, snapping my hands against my sides, almost saluting.

I heard a round of giggling behind me. I’d finally decided to attend one of the Monday afternoon meetings Kaname regularly held, though I expected her to be more pleased with my showing up.

“Sousuke…” Kaname’s voice held the forced calm I was all too familiar with. “’This is a Take Back the Night’ meeting.”

“I know!” I nodded. I just like being around you, okay? I could either come to the meeting, or wait around outside for you to glare at me, say I’m stalking you, and force me to walk twenty feet behind you all the way home. “I think the first step to strengthening our society as a whole is to recognize and empower all people.”

Kaname raised an eye suspiciously. “That’s great, really. But this is a women’s organization. We don’t have any male members.”

Oh-ho-ho, so who’s being exclusive now, hmm? “Forgive my protest,” I said, “but I must admit I find that slightly foolish. An atmosphere of unity can only be spread with overtures of inclusion and-“

“I haven’t been turning legions of boys away.” Kaname frowned, rubbing her temples tiredly. “No guys have ever asked to join. I never even thought about what I’d do if they did.”

“ I think I will be a great asset to the organization,” I said, “I can help instruct basic self-defense techniques, and provide an example for other males to follow, perhaps.”

“Sousuke, I’m not sure you really understand…”

“I insist, Miss Chidori.” I kept my expression firm, even as the giggling grew behind me. “If you resist, might I bring your attention to article 157 of the student hand book. No student may be denied entrance to an extracurricular organization on the basis of race, creed, gender, sexual orient-“

“Just have a seat,” she said flatly, waving at the rows of desks in front of her.

“Thank you,” I said with a smile and turned to survey the seating options.

Kazuki, the girl who had written those strange notes on her paper a few days earlier, was waving at me frantically and tapping the empty desk beside her. I swallowed uncomfortably. I didn’t come to the meeting to be ‘psssted’ at for the next hour, so I pretended I didn’t see her and sat down next to Kyouko, instead.

“Okay,” Kaname said, standing from her chair after giving me one more questioning look. “Our first priority now is to prepare for the march at the end of the month. I want to have the largest attendance possible. We’re meeting up with other high school chapters as well as the adult divisions of the organization, and I want to make sure we are well represented. We’ve got to get the word out and we’ve got to drum up more interest. Remember ladies… er, people,” Kaname corrected herself with yet another suspicious glance at me. “This is really important. If we want to see progress for women in Tokyo, we need to take a stand. Simpering and playing into the vulnerable role that’s seemed to have been laid out for us will only buy us more of the same. If we want change, we have to let everyone know.”

I smiled fondly, leaning my chin on one elbow, my military posture completely forgotten. Kaname really was a gifted speaker. The ability to be so convincing and drum up so much enthusiasm was a really useful and admirable skill. I was listening avidly, hanging on every word, when I heard the dreaded “pssst,” and looked over to see Kazuki had moved into the empty chair on my opposite side.

“What?” I said to her in a low whisper, more sharply than I intended.

She didn’t seem fazed by my tone; she merely ducked hear head and said “Are you going to the march at the end of the month?”

“I don’t know, I assume so, I said quickly, about to turn back when Kaname coldly called out my name.

“Sousuke, if you’re not here to listen, then I really don’t know why you’re here at all,” she said, the fatigue and annoyance clear in her voice. I opened my mouth to protest but she held up one hand, using the other to straighten her papers into a folder. “Sorry guys, I have a guidance appointment; could you finish off the meeting, Kana? I want everyone to brainstorm lines to put on posters advertising the march.”

The girl who must be Kana nodded with a smile and took Kaname’s place at the front of the room when Kaname left. Kazuki was leaning over to me again, but I quickly picked up my messenger bag and followed Kaname as I slung it over one shoulder. “Miss Chidori!” I called to her departing figure.

She paused, turning to face me impatiently. “Yes?”

I jogged to catch up with her, and we continued to walk in the direction of the guidance office. “I was listening,” I said earnestly. “Kazuki needed to ask me a question, but I didn’t want her to; I was trying to listen.” I didn’t like using other people as excuses. I believe in taking responsibility for the situation, but this was the truth, and I couldn’t think of another way to convince Kaname I was honestly interested in what she was saying. Besides, it really bothered me when she was unhappy with me: a weakness that was a large hindrance

“Hey,” Kaname said shortly, her steps quick and purposeful. “If you want to socialize with Kazuki, that’s fine with me. I just wish you wouldn’t do it at my meetings. It’s serious business we’re discussing, you know.”

“I know,” I said, keeping pace with her easily. “I know it is, and I want to be involved in it. Kazuki keeps making these noises at me, and honestly, I can’t understand why. Sometimes she doesn’t even have anything to say. And then the other day she had very peculiar writing on her paper, it is all very confusing.”

Kaname stopped, looking at my dryly. “Let me guess. ‘SS plus KN equals TL?’”

“Yes!” I smiled in relief, shifting my bag higher on my shoulder. “So you know what it means! I was hoping you would. Have you seen it before?”

Kaname did not appear amused. She pulled open the door to the girls’ lavatory we were standing next to, motioning to writing scrawled in large black letters on the inside of the door. “S-S,” she said loudly, clearly, annunciating each letter and word. “plus-K-N-equals-T-L.”

I couldn’t contain my astonishment. Why was the message on the inside of the girls’ bathroom? Was this some secret female code?

“It’s all over the place,” Kaname grumbled and rolled her eyes, crossing her arm over her chest.

“But what does it mean?” I pleaded, my eyes tracing over the letters for what seemed like the hundredth time, but to no avail. I could not make heads or tails of it.

“Oh man, Sousuke, don’t you recognize your own initials?”

I frowned, scratching my head. “I hadn’t thought of it,” I said, “but now that you mention it, it is kind of an interesting coincidence, isn’t it?”

Kaname groaned, clapping a hand to her forehead. I must be saying something very stupid to be getting this kind of reaction from her. “It’s not a coincidence. I can’t believe you’ve never seen these stupid things before.” She sighed, pointing to the pieces of the message as she spoke. “’S.S.,’ that’s you, Sagara Sousuke, plus K.N., that’s Kazuki Naoko, equals ‘T.L.’”

Don’t stop there! “T.L.?” I stuttered, wracking my brain. I plus Kazuki equal what? Transmission Lost? Transfer Line? Teenage loiterers? Terrible liars?”

“True love!” Kaname said, clearly exasperated. “True love.”

I laughed at that, startled by Kaname’s still agitated but not humorous expression. “Well, that can’t be right,” I reasoned. “That’s not true at all.”
Kaname let out a breath, continuing her walking, and I jumped to keep up. “Maybe it’s not true,” she said. “But Kazuki apparently wants it to be true, and it’s the wanting that motivates the use of magic marker on school property.”

“Are you sure she wants that?” My mind was spinning, and part of me thought Kaname must be playing some trick on me. I knew the dictionary definition of love, and it was no laughing matter. If Kazuki wanted that… she was either disillusioned… or completely insane.

“Uh, yeah.”

“Really?”

“Oh please,” Kaname said, peering at me from the corner of her eye. Her disposition lightened considerably when she saw that I was earnestly in ignorance and confusion. “Naoko has a huge crush on you. It’s so obvious, or are you the only one too dense to see it?”

Well, this was certainly an unexpected development. Naoko was interested in me in that kind of way? Naoko wanted us to… ‘equal true love’? I felt my stomach turn and my head start to ache. Love was terrifying enough already, and that was with Kaname, someone I was fairly comfortable with and more than a little fond of. I didn’t even know Kazuki, and to be honest, what I did know was not entirely favorable. Where were these outrageous desires of hers coming from? Was she clear out of her mind?

“Well,” I croaked, stumbling for words. “I don’t know what has triggered her rash intentions, but I can assure you that the suggestion is not mutual. I have no thoughts to make such overtures to Kazuki.”

Kaname laughed heartily at that, but it seemed forced to me. “Oh Sousuke, I don’t care who you ‘equal true love with,’” she said, bending her fingers in quotations. “You can do whatever you want.” She was trying to seem casual, but I could tell she was relieved. Though what about, I had no idea.

We reached the guidance office, and she stepped half way through the door, a look of resigned forgiveness dominating her features. “Hey, there’s a history test tomorrow, and I know you’ve been having problems. Why don’t you come over my house around seven? We can get pizza and go over our notes.”

Kaname only made such kind invitations when she was in a really good mood or when she felt bad about something she might have said to me. This confused me even more, but I smiled gratefully, nodding. “I will do that, Miss Chidori. I thank you for your help.”

“Yeah, whatever,” Kaname waved casually, adding as an afterthought. “And hey, thanks for coming to the meeting. I’m not sure I believe why you’re there, but that’s really good of you.”

She disappeared into the office, and I stood perplexed for a few more moments. However, not wanting to be interrogated by a secretary again, I hastily left the area, intending to go to my locker and return in time to trail Kagome home. It was truly a mystery to me: the occurrence of love in everyday life. It seemed Kazuki thought she loved me, and yet I had no idea… not the slightest clue. Did this mean that my own feelings were as well hidden? Were my thoughts about Kaname as public as I felt they were, or were they just as secret to her as Kazuki’s feelings were to me?

I have a huge crush on you, Kaname. I laughed at my own thoughts, entertained by the way Kaname’s own words seemed to fit her. It’s so obvious. Or are you the only one too dense to see it?

[Weltall Elite]

Psssst! Pssssssssst!

Shinji’s confusion seemed incurable. “Are you trying to make yourself feel better, since we couldn’t get the porn? Look, I know where my dad’s secret stash is, if you really want-“

This is one of my favorite lines in the story. I cracked up reading it. I'm not sure if I mentioned it on FFN, but poor Sousuke was trying to be so deep and insightful and this is all that Shinji could get from it.

It just seemed to me that if you really wanted that sort of… stimulation, you might as well go out and talk to real women, right?

You'd think his experience with the flirting contest would have taught him that it's not quite that simple.

The poor guy's rationale is so naive and simple that it's cute. And yet, I can see Sousuke thinking along these lines. It's a good thing that he's lucky enough to = TL with the first girl who catches his eye. Otherwise he would have been in for a rude awakening like all the rest of us. :p

Sorry. Meant to kiss your butt on this story sooner (:p), but I've been without power. Anyway, loved this chapter. Can't really think of anything particularly wrong with it off the top of my head. I don't necessarily agree with Sousuke's perspective on things, but given his character, I think it works for him and I find it pretty charming. ^^

So what's the word on chapter 8?

[Ariane]

I actually think I'm going to talk about that a little in the future... what are the chances that he'd fall in love with the first civilian girl he meets? If it weren't Kaname, would he have fallen for whoever he'd been guarding? I always kind of wondered. If it were another girl she'd probably do more fawning and less abusing, too.

This is actually my least favorite chapter in the fic, because there's way too much of myself in it, and it's way too clear what my frame of mind was when I wrote it. I'm glad you found it entertaining, though!

[Weltall Elite]

This is actually my least favorite chapter in the fic, because there's way too much of myself in it, and it's way too clear what my frame of mind was when I wrote it. I'm glad you found it entertaining, though!

Well, I suspected that, but didn't want to say anything. Still, I think from the right perspective, it can work for Sousuke.

I actually think I'm going to talk about that a little in the future... what are the chances that he'd fall in love with the first civilian girl he meets? If it weren't Kaname, would he have fallen for whoever he'd been guarding? I always kind of wondered. If it were another girl she'd probably do more fawning and less abusing, too.

It's hard to say. I doubt Sousuke or Kaname would fall for anyone easily. So I don't think it could have been just ANY girl. And I doubt a more "normal" girl would have been able to understand him. There's something special about Kaname that you just don't see anywhere else. Whatever it was was enough to completely turn Sousuke's life around, from his goals to the value he put on his own life.

PS: Are you going to be entering the drabble contest?

[Ariane]

I have half the mind to rewrite this chapter, but I think my time should be going towards writing new chapters at this point. Maybe when I'm done with the entire thing... I have no idea how long it is going to be, I'll go back and fix it all.

Yeah, even thought I'm an SK fan all the way, I really can't rationally justify why Sousuke would choose Kaname over Tessa. I mean, I really dislike Tessa, but I can't see why Sousuke wouldn't like her. Oh well, I'm just glad he doesn't, lol.

[Weltall Elite]

Who needs a reason why? When was love ever justified? She just doesn't float his sails.

But maybe he's drawn to that fire Kaname has. Maybe she's more exciting. Maybe he's put off by the fact that Tessa is his commanding officer. Or... maybe he just likes Kaname's more womanly figure.

I'm sure there's plenty of reasons. Kaname and Tessa are very different people. Obviously Sousuke's more attracted to Kaname's type for whatever reason.

[Ariane]

Hahaha, "float his sails," that cheered me up.

[Weltall Elite]

Picked up on that, eh?